Friday, July 31, 2009

Adventure Day 11 - Observations at the park today

I saw a woman that was with her kids (boy and girl, probably around 10, 8), doing push ups together on a park bench - that's strange.

I saw not one but two caterpillars hanging between a tree and the ground spinning their cocoons – very cool.

I got a few minutes into my walk and thought: ‘I have to go pee. Oh it’s probably a false alarm’. I didn’t go.

I noticed peoples’ bums. There are all kinds out there. Floppy ones, jiggly ones, flat ones, bumpy ones, stiff ones, sculpted ones, oddly shaped ones, and I wondered … what is mine? And then I thought again … I probably don’t want to know.

I nearly had a head on collision with an older couple that, for some reason, were walking on the wrong side of the path and wouldn’t move – neither would I.

I got passed by a tall, blond, thin yet muscular, tanned chick on roller blades - I sent her hate vibes.

I noticed a man at the park intentionally walking backwards – why I ask? I’m not sure but it was no fluke, I saw him there doing the same thing last time I went.

I decided I hate ‘passing’ people on the trail – it seems rude, and takes a while to do. The whole time I’m wondering if they’re analyzing my butt like I was analyzing theirs.

It occurred to me that I drove 10 minutes to get exercise walking through the park – that doesn’t’ really seem to make sense.

Some one passed me who smelled great. I wondered how and was jealous, considering I was melting in sweat.

I never know when to turn around on the path and go back to my car. I always look at my watch and see that 20 minutes have gone by and think I should return, but never do because time goes by so fast. 5 minutes after I finally do turn around to go back, I wonder if I’m going to make it home.

By the time I got halfway through my walk I realized my ‘false alarm’ wasn’t false at all – dang!

I realized today that as much as I love being with people, I love being alone too.

I like the park.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Adventure Day 10 – Crossing the line

Yesterday was Day10 (and I’ve decided that depending on how I feel I may post my days the next day but when I write it will be about that specific day. Oh I’m confused, oh well).

Though the weather was not very co-operative yesterday I had something to look forward to, a lunch date with a longtime friend and a new blog friend. I have to say right away that it feels weird to write something about people that I know will read this, but I will carry on.

My long time friend from a far away land (now) was in the country for a visit with family and she was kind enough to make time for lunch with me. She was the first person that I invited to read my blog and has diligently followed it and been an encouragement to me through out. During this time she has also done me the favor of sharing the blog (with my permission and prodding) with a couple of her friends. Though this blog is anonymous I thought that was fine because who she told wouldn’t really know who was writing and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Anyway, one of the people she invited, her sis-in-law, caught on who the author was and I was discovered. This ended up becoming a good thing because she actually has enjoyed the blog. So when my long time friend came for her visit she asked if I wanted to share our lunch date also with her sis-in-law (or perhaps they were sharing their date with me, it’s doesn’t really matter).

I generally look forward to meeting new people (although I have met her, I didn’t really know her), I love connecting and all that stuff, but I have to admit, it was a little scary to cross the borders of anonymity with this. Not at all because of who this person was, just because I do try to write very honestly, sometimes deeper, some times just light and funny, but all of it is from my heart. It’s weird to realize (for real) that someone you don’t really know knows you, like the deep down honest part of you, only from reading your thoughts. It’s kind of a strange feeling. It was even kind of weird when I met my close friend at first. She even said herself: ‘This is kind of weird, I feel like you are a totally different person’. Though there was no disclaimers afterwards I am trusting it’s an ok different.

Now as these two ladies are reading this I don’t want to freak them out. I had an awesome time with them and so enjoyed getting to know my new friend (and yes, I believe we will be friends – we’re even going for coffee next week), but I thought it was interesting to interact with blog followers outside of blog world, even the ones I already knew. It makes me realize how different writing your thoughts and reactions to life can be over just experiencing them or talking about them with someone.

I think I have already mentioned that I have completed #8 – inviting 5 friends to read my blog. This of course totally destroys the idea of anonymity I try to keep. I chose carefully and I even have invited a couple of extra people to read too. This may make you wonder why I am even trying to be anonymous. Well for a few reasons. First, it’s kind of fun having made up names for myself and others - there is meaning behind almost every name I give to people, I love that. Second, by me thinking no one knows me I am left completely vulnerable and honest, this is something I feel the world needs more of, even if it means people seeing my unending list of flaws. I know that when I meet someone who lives honestly I feel an immediate connection and sense of friendship, even if I only chat for a few minutes and never again, I feel filled – what a gift. I also change names and stuff out of respect for those I mention (my family and friends), I will end up sharing more of my story as time passes and in that there are other stories. I want to be careful to tell both with some sense of dignity, I know right now that I won’t do this well all of the time but I will at least try.

There you have it! I didn’t strike anything off of my list technically but I think that crossing the borders of anonymity of this blog should count. As I invited another very new friend and co-worker last night I told her that she should only read it if she wanted to see me naked – of course I meant it metaphorically.

Hmmmm … maybe I should rename the blog to ‘A Nude Dimension’

Too cheesy?

Don’t answer that.

More fun times at work…

Guy got a new bed today and this is the conversation we shared right after we got into it for the first time to sleep:
“Oh, I love my new bed. It’s so soft and comfy. Eva touch it – it’s soft.”
I go to the farthest place from him and quickly bounce my body off of the edge of the bed and say: “ Yup, it’s a pretty soft bed.”
“Oh I love my bed, I’m so glad I got it. It’s so great; I wish you could lay down right beside me Eva.” (I’m quite positive he wasn’t being inappropriate though)
I say: “Uh, yeah … let’s pray … good night Guy.”

Guy and I are watching a movie. He notices a female on screen and says: “That girl is hot, don’t you think Eva?”
“Um, I’m not really into chicks Guy”
“That’s because you’re a girl right?”
“Right.”

We’re on a van ride, with me driving, another newer (but older) staff is in the passenger seat and Guy is sitting behind her. Guy begins to massage her neck (something we should stop him from doing), she doesn’t seem to know this. She says how much she enjoys it. Guy remarks snidely with “Eva doesn’t like touchy” then stares me down with an evil eye.

A minute or so into the massage (from above) Lil t (the staff) continues to enjoy the massage and Guy says “I knew you’d like this Lil t”
Lil t says “Oh really, how did you know that?”
Guy says “Because you are that kind of woman.”

The other day at work before the for mentioned van ride, I am sitting in the drivers’ seat waiting for the other staff to come, the music is on. Guy says “Hey Eva, do you want to learn how to ‘rock the van’?”
My mind is clearly not where his is and I am thinking ‘huh?’
He quickly cranks the Abba that’s playing, puts on the four ways and then literally gets out and rocks the van.

One day Guy and I were outside shooting hoops. A teenage girl dressed in tight fitting summer apparel walks by us. Guy’s eyes practically hit the drive way and serious drooling begins to pour out of his mouth and he starts to loudly say “Mama Cita” (I’m not sure the spelling but I think it’s Spanish) over and over and is directly looking at her. Guy has been told that this means hot or pretty lady. I had to hit a gong to knock him back to reality and remind him that is was ok to think these things in his head but it wasn’t appropriate to slather them all over the drive way – the girl could have drowned in his drool man!

I love my job!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Adventure Day 9 – Part 2

#30 – Visit someone I haven’t seen in at least 6 months to a year

When I made up this list I have to admit that a several of the items were written with me already having an idea of what I wanted to do or who I would see, etc. #30 I wasn’t really too sure about. Who haven’t I seen in 6 months to a year that I’d WANT to visit with? I’m a firm believer in that if you really want to do something or see someone you make the time. So who hadn’t I made the time for? Hmmmm. Then it struck me, I knew who I was going to get in touch with - my cousin Aims.

Aims and I grew up with very little in common. She was a part of Pop’s family (who we didn’t have a lot to do with growing up - they were into the sauce a lot and a bit dysfunctional, well more than us, or so we think). Aims is only a little over a year older than myself and a big gal, in every way. She is tall, sturdy, has a big voice, with big attitude, and a great big heart too go along. She makes me laugh (which is saying something) just being herself. I love Aims.

Aims and I come from as different backgrounds as you could possibly imagine. Her immediate family didn’t go to church – we did, her dad (in her words) was an alcoholic – mine didn’t even drink, profanities were abundantly used (not necessarily out of anger, but instead often just as adjectives, nouns or verbs) – we got our mouths washed out with soap if we even whispered a ‘bad’ word, she was loud – I was quiet, and the list could go on. Needless to say during our growing up years Aims and I didn’t have much at all to do with each other – we were from different worlds.

However that changed quickly in 2002. That was the year my aunt (on the other side of the family) passed away and then my grandmother on Pop’s side found out she was battling cancer and refused to die anywhere but at home on the farm. It was fall time when my one aunt called one day and said she was trying to set up a schedule for people to cover taking care of Granny (that’s what we called her) 24 hours a day. She wanted to know if I had any extra time to do this. I lived 20 minutes away but she didn’t’ live far from where I worked much of the time so I ‘signed’ up for three half days a week – Monday afternoon, Wednesday morning and Friday afternoon.

I briefly mentioned before on the blog that I recommended taking care of a dying loved one, if you have the chance. This is why…

Granny was ill and needed our care for a good two months. From October until the following December (13th to be specific) her family committed to making sure she was as comfortable as possible in her home during her last days. This wasn’t always easy, as she got a little moody with some people (her only daughter for sure) but was a sweetie to others (me) – however we did it. We keep a little journal to track her days, funny things that happened, notes for each other (some very silly), and visitors that stopped by. One time while I was on ‘shift’ 3 older people had come by to see her and so I had them wait in the kitchen while I checked with Granny to see if she was up to company. I had forgotten that we kept a monitor in the bedroom to listen to her in the kitchen (where the people were waiting) and when I asked if she wanted to see them, after describing who they were, she said ‘Oh no dear, I don’t want to visit with them, they never know when to leave.’ When I got back to the kitchen to tell them that she wasn’t up to it they were practically already out the door and in their car!

During these two months I not only had an opportunity to care for my grandmother, but I got the chance to get to know my pop’s side of the family. Now I will say first off - not all of them are my choice for a good time on a Saturday night, but in the midst of what was going on I was able to bond with many of them for the first time. Aims was one of them. Aims usually came in Friday evenings when I was leaving. At first we’d just say our hellos and goodbyes and that was it. After time went on I would stay a bit longer and hear about what was going on in her life and I’d share a bit about mine. We’d trade funny stories from the week and laugh together.

I want to remind you that Aims has a giant heart – she’d do anything to help, but at the same time she has a sailor’s mouth (and it was worse back then). At that time I was just ‘coming to’ about life, my faith and all that stuff and she taught me a lot. As we began to get to know one another I learned quickly that it doesn’t always matter if what comes out of someone’s mouth could make your ears turn green and fall off – if they have a heart of gold you don’t notice so much (or sometime’s at all), but you have to stick around long enough to notice.

Aims and I were only beginning to get to know each other when Granny finally passed. A few days after she was gone I was having a difficult time. Not so much with the loss of Granny per say (as she was ill and it was time), but with the loss of community I felt with my family for the first time. We were so used to seeing each other so often, and sharing such an intimate experience, that for it to be over all of a sudden was hard. My first would be ‘shift’ after Granny had passed I called up Aims (which was waaay out there, we hadn’t gotten ‘phone talking’ close). I just told her that I missed everything, blah, blah, blah and we talked for an hour. From then on a friendship developed and we grew to be great friends.

So how did she get to be my #30? Well life happens, people’s lives change. She got married (Wally and I were the only attendants in the very small and simple wedding that was held in Granny’s yard the summer after she died), had a daughter, and well unfortunately after that it’s hard to keep up, probably more because Wally and I don’t have kids and there was generally less to relate to (no matter how hard you try sometimes). I missed Aims and our conversations about our dysfunctional family, her stories about work (she took over much of my cleaning business when I went back to school) and just laughing. I love to laugh.

Last night wasn’t some fairytale moment of two friends coming together and rejoicing that their kindred spirits were reunited again. No. But it was 2 ½ hours of reconnecting (my favourite thing in the world to do), laughing (yay!!), updating and realizing that we need to see more of each other. Will that actually happen? Who knows? But I will keep her on my ‘catch up’ list to be sure and keep track of as time goes on – even if our ‘coffee times’ are sporadic. In the end, I will always be grateful for who Aims is, and most of all the experience we shared together – our grandmother always wanted us to be friends.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Adventure Day 9 – Part 1

I am going to post today in two parts. Mostly because I know that I won’t have time to post after completing #30 (which I’ll be doing tonight) and I’m hoping I’ll have stuff to say after that one. Instead I will post some now and then some tomorrow.

Today seemed as if it was going to be another day of around the house stuff, much like yesterday. I got up, felt overwhelmed at the idea of organizing our home, and decided I would do #9 (and actually # 21 – I just realized that I had it down twice, I suppose that means I will have to accomplish two tasks I’ve been avoiding). The chosen, or should I say avoided, task was to wash the windows – inside and out. I have been reasoning my way out of doing this for a year now. This seems a bit crazy considering we’ve only lived here for 1 year and 5 weeks. Oh well, today was finally the day.

I got out my bucket and filled it with warm soapy water (sunlight dish soap works great!), got an old cloth and dish towel and off I went. It took me all of 45 minutes (thank you air conditioners for making it impossible to take out all of the windows). Then I was done. The end.

It’s at this point that I wonder why the heck I’ve put off this chore for so long. It certainly wasn’t time consuming, and to be honest not all that difficult. So why have I been running from it like it was the plague? I’m not real sure and I doubt that it really matters, but hopefully now that I’ve done it, my windows can appreciate some more love than they’ve received this past year.

In other news…

Yesterday I decided to begin my 7 days without t.v., movies or youtube. I’m not sure why I picked this week considering I’m home all day during the week and I have loads of time to kill. Anyways this morning I was elated when I got called into work suddenly to take a day shift – I had to leave immediately.

Without media (other than e-mail, etc) I find it difficult to just sit. You just don’t know what to do. A few minutes ago I made myself an early supper because I’m meeting a friend for coffee later and won’t be home to have dinner with Wally, I went to sit on the couch and watch something while I ate and then I remembered that there was no t.v. for a week. I couldn’t even take my food and watch youtube or whatever online. Those are the times I miss media: when I want to relax. I find that I always need to be doing stuff. Whether it’s watching, listening, doing, there has to be something going on. I think that’s why I didn’t mind accomplishing #9 today or going to work.

When I’m home during the day I find that my ‘to do’ list is scheduled entirely around the two shows I regularly watch each morning (one of them I don’t even like that much). I’m sure there’d be more than two shows I’d watch daily if we had cable. Anyways, I’ve kind of enjoyed not have time constraints – you know ‘gotta get this done before Ellen comes on at 10am’, and there’s no moving off of the couch until after Rachel Ray is over at noon. Yesterday I went for my walk at 8:30am and took my time (over an hour – part of that is because I totally got lost at the park and had to find my way out). Afterwards I decided while I was out I’d do my grocery shopping (even though I was a stinky sweat bag with a ridiculous hairdo, and no makeup). I took my time and totally enjoyed the leisurely pace. Usually I’m a task master at chores (or almost anything), just make a list and get it done. I feel like I’m learning how to slow down, relax and take detours. I didn’t think that would happen just by not watching t.v.

Yesterday at the grocery store I even decided to pick up a few items I never normally would, because I had time to learn how to cook them, and also I think the ‘trying new things’ is catching on and spreading through out. I bought leeks, brussel sprouts, and a mango to eat - all for the first time. I know it’s not a big deal but it was fun to look at stuff that I never take the time to look at or buy, and pick it up just to try. No t.v. dinners for me!

I’m sure reorganizing the apartment wont’ be that difficult to get done this week.

Other happenings…
I also decided yesterday that I would try to do my eating program again – it’s something I got from my gym and it’s a three phase program that is supposed to boost your metabolism. I’ve done it before, but never followed it strictly. I lost 4 ½ pounds over a month last time. The first week I was supposed to lose between 3-8 pounds, I lost 1 *sigh*. I thought since I have felt it fairly easy to abide by my list that I’d try to take it a step further. I really do want to get my weight back down a bit, maybe 15-20 pounds; I just find it hard to follow a strict plan. This one is strict for the first week, then lets up a bit for the next three weeks and then is way better for the following month.

Yesterday went very well (I had to remind myself to eat), until the evening when we had our ‘Monday Night Gathering’. We get together with a group of Wally’s school friends every Monday night for supper and games, a movie, or a certain t.v. show. I really wanted to do the ‘plan’ perfectly by the book in order to see what would indeed happen. Unfortunately hotdogs aren’t in the ‘plan’ and that’s what we were having for supper (along with pop, chips, and mini sugar covered donuts – mmmm). This is where the ‘Rules’ become hard to follow. I find social events the most difficult part of following an eating routine, they never allow really for that kind of thing. I certainly didn’t go overboard (although I would’ve LOVED to take the mini donuts home and eat them all that night), but it was impossible to follow the ‘Rules’ at all. So I tried to keep things moderate. I was still disappointed though that I couldn’t be perfect.

I guess that’s just life though. Usually on an eating plan I’d give up and go for the gusto if I couldn’t be perfect. Now I am trying to learn what it’s like to live in moderation and without guilt for these things. This is going to be one of my biggest challenges in life. I hate that.

Things I’ll never understand…

Why some people wear their everyday clothes to the gym to work out in

Why I didn’t try relish and mustard on my hot dog before yesterday

Why my favourite songs on the radio always come on right as I’m coming into my driveway

Why poop is such a big part of my life now days

Why some people don’t just love me

Why people complain about grocery shopping

Why people complain about their job

Why I didn’t wash the windows a year ago (the world is so much clearer now)

Why there are starving people

Why there are non starving people

Why my internal clock never shuts itself off

Why I all of a sudden cannot fall asleep without being on my stomach

Why weather is the only thing people seem to know how to collectively talk about

Why religious people hate so much

Why I think I’m better than you

Why people say ‘why me?’

Why I never actually use all of the proper ingredients required in a recipe when I’m cooking – ever

Why people think they are so different from each other

How I can go the grocery store 3 times in two days and still be out of something

Why it’s so difficult to think of 5 friends to go out for a night on the town with

Why it matters if the 5 friends will like each other

Why going to mass seems intimidating to me

Why my earbuds play such an influential role in whether I go for a walk or not

Why this list never ends.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Adventure Day 8 – Bill the doorman

Today, after my prolonged escapade with the earbuds (which are still in hiding as I write this), I decided to go after #20 and # 26 on my list. Welcome our new neighbours with muffins and do something nice for Bill the doorman. If you haven’t guessed, I decided to kill two birds with one stone by making a batch of yummy banana muffins to split between the two deeds. Not to be lazy, instead I know that Bill would appreciate this, as he is on his own.

I’m not sure why these items are really on my list. I am the type of person who shares baked goods with my neighbours, well if I knew them I would. You see when you grow up in a village on the same street your whole life your neighbours are your family. I also made those I worked with a part of my family too. I’d take goodies to the older folks, sometimes a meal to the ones would were sick, try to do some extras if I had time and it was needed. Doing good stuff feels good. It lets people know you care. I care. I’m not trying to sound all great and wonderful, but I am the type of person who when I hear of a need I search my mind for ways to help (of course generally ones that will fit my comfort level and time schedule – I’m not that perfect). Sometimes though I have to reign it in a bit because for some reason strangers think you are a little crazy when you want to help and they barely know you – I know, I’ve offered before.

Back to # 26. Let me tell you a little bit about Bill. He’s probably in his 80’s. He lives here alone and recently his wife passed away. Before that she lived in a nursing home for years with Alzheimer’s I think – if it wasn’t Alzheimer's I know that it was something where she couldn’t get out, do much or really contribute to their time together. He visited her often. He never complained, but always carried a smile, and still does. He often sits at the front door of our building on the bench before supper time and then later after supper too. If he sees you coming he almost always gets up to open the door for you. If he doesn’t do that, you will at least get a cheerful hello, how are you, and a quip about something he’s noticed about you.

Bill ALWAYS tries to give our dogs a pet when they are coming and going. And if they seem distracted and move away he’ll say: ‘Oh, they’re ready to go for their walk (or inside), let them go!’ He also always refers to our two as ‘the team’ (and now has others doing so), and never fails to ask where they are or what they are doing. I like Bill, he makes me smile inside (and outside too).

Today was Bill’s day; it was time for me to show (in a very small way) that he meant something to us, that we cared. So, I tightly wrapped up 6 fresh out of the oven banana muffins and taped a little card with a message from ‘the team’ so that if I chickened out handing them to him myself I could safely leave them on the floor by his door (that would be way less awkward for me). As I approached the door and looked at ground I realized it wasn’t the cleanest. At first I actually did place them on the ground and thought to myself ‘Just knock on the door and run – that way they won’t sit there long. There’s no one in the laundry room, you can always hide in there’ (I checked as I walked by). But I couldn’t do it. I knew that the whole point of this exercise was to ‘connect’ and really show people that I cared and that they meant something.

I sighed to myself and knocked on the door. I heard nothing. ‘Ooh, maybe Bill’s being a doorman right now and I’ll HAVE to leave these on the floor – yay!!’ I thought. I knocked again, just in case. After another minute I heard muffled footsteps coming to the door. ‘Rats! I feel like a weirdo’ I thought. The door opened and there stood Bill the doorman with his hair all disheveled (perhaps he was having a siesta) and his old apron on. He’s usually neat as a pin while on duty. He was surprised to see me standing there and I can’t exactly remember what he said but I told him that I’d been baking and wanted to share some with him. I quickly handed him the goods and he continued to look shocked and said he didn’t get stuff like this anymore since his wife left him (she didn’t actually leave him like that) and then he told me she had passed away a few weeks ago. I tried to play dumb and slough it off, but Bill was serious and so thankful. Bill acted like I’d given him my right arm. He said over and over that it wasn’t necessary for me to do that, and ‘all that stuff’ was too much. I told him no bother and tried to inch away. He apologetically told me how his apartment has in disarray, I excused him of worry, said no problem and to enjoy the muffins. His gratitude continued as the door closed.

I hurried to the elevator thankful that the interaction was over. Then seconds later I felt emotion creeping into my heart and then my throat, then my nose and briefly to my eyes. As I’ve mentioned before I’m not an easy crier. I don’t generally need a Kleenex box to get through a sap filled movie, but today I was feeling. All I did was take an old man some muffins, but it felt like more. It was more. I stepped out of my world and into his for a few moments and saw his heart, and showed him mine. Who knew muffins could do that?

Maybe that’s why these two numbers were challenging to me. Several times in the past year I have wanted to do something nice for Bill and others. But what do you say to someone you only know from going in and out the door everyday? It just feels awkward. Doesn’t it? Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know - how do you walk up to someone’s door, knock on it and say ‘Here are some muffins, just because’? There’s just something uncomfortable about it. It’s like we need a reason to be nice.

I suppose though it’s not the act itself that is difficult, it’s what both people know is behind the act – care, love, affection. Those three things generally come with strings and a history, and with strangers you generally have neither. Today I learned that sometimes the best way to show care, love and affection is to not think so much, just do. Sometimes our thinking takes over and prevents us from doing. ‘What are they going to think?’ ‘What am I gonna say?’ ‘What if it feels weird?’ After today, my response is: So what? Feel weird. Be awkward. Don’t say. And most of all, don’t worry about what ‘they’ think.

Instead just take a few steps and go into their world for a moment. Don’t underestimate a moment; it can change your life and maybe even theirs.

Adventure Days 5, 6, and 7 Recapped!

So, I apologize for leaving you all hanging on my virtually amazing experiences - ok maybe I’m overshooting it a bit. I’ll try to sum up the past few days for you and what’s been going on…

Day 5 – I worked a full day shift, so I’ll have to admit that I didn’t complete any part of my list that day, but I did go to the gym as scheduled. This was a great success to me, since day shifts generally seem more of a challenge for me physically than night shifts for some reason, and I wasn’t sure how I’d get to the gym after a day of work – especially without my gym buddy. However I did it and it wasn’t so bad after all!

Day 6 – I completed #32 by going to the gym for the 6th day in a row.

What did I learn from this? Well, I don’t mind going to the gym. I definitely like going in the morning more than later on, but it’s fun to go with a friend.

Having time to go is truly how big of a priority it is to you. I had made a decision to go and I was there – and that was while I working over 30 hours that week (which I realize isn’t a full work week but stay with me).

I definitely believe the strength you have to work out is less about your body physically and more about how strong you feel mentally. When I first started my job this summer I didn’t have much ambition or desire to go to the gym at all and I think a lot of that was because I was exhausted (in every way) from all of the new learning I was doing.

Overall it felt good to keep my resolution and I feel it has reminded me why I started to go in the first place – it just feels good: mentally, emotionally, and physically, to get all that energy out.

Another first I discovered on Day 6 was at a wedding Wally and I attended. There was an open bar – which used to be a total turn off. You know drunken people and the like. Now I get excited at an open bar because it means I can enjoy a drink on someone else’s tab – selfless of me eh? Anyways, I had remembered that I wished I’d put ‘try my first beer’ on the list but didn’t want to overdo the alcohol quotient. But since it was free I thought what the heck! Why not give it a try?

So, Marshmallow was around and I asked him for his – he wouldn’t give it up for me and seemed strangely concerned for me to be experimenting (which is interesting considering he’s experimented, and still does, a lot). I bugged a bit more and he gave in and filled his cup to about a half an inch. I gave him a look that said ‘You’re kidding me right?’ He protested that I may not like it. I told him to fill it up more. He added another half inch of liquid. *Sigh* ‘I want more’ I said. So eventually he filled it nearly half way and I gave up. I tried a bit. Wasn’t as bad as I remembered thinking it would be.

Anyhow I drank the rest and called it history. The status of my beer days: I’d have one to feel ‘cool’ but as Wally would put it ‘I wouldn’t order it in a restaurant’. Besides at the wedding I discovered some orangey Bacardi drink that tasted waaaay to good to be alcoholic. Mmmmm. Let’s just say it was probably a good thing I had to do an overnight shift that night – it put a stop to too much trouble.

Day 7 – This lucky number lent itself to Wally and me working on #2 on my list – only trying new restaurants. Let me preface this with the fact that I worked a ten hour night shift that I was supposed to be sleeping during (at least 7 hours of them). I never sleep well at work because you never know when someone may wake up, (and there’s a ringing monitor on that doesn’t help). That night I forced myself to keep the lights off and at least try to rest. By 2am I did finally fall asleep for 45 minute intervals – that is until 4am on the nose when my little suppose-ed sleeper was wide awake and peering through the little window of my door. I’ll spare you all of the next 5 hours of details, let’s just say that I didn’t get any more sleep (nor did he).

When I arrived home I was feeling ok but knowing that that feeling wouldn’t last long. I always try to come home and catch a 2 hour cat nap for good measure – Sunday was no different. None the less I was still in a ‘be careful not to say something that could make me kill you’ mood when I woke up. Generally I’m ok, but it’s bad when Wally says virtually nothing wrong at all and I act like he should be burned at the stake for it – that’s really what I’m like. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to let you know how daring it was for us to attempt #2 while I was in this fragile state.

You see the one reason Wally and I never step out and try new things is because we are both scared of disappointment, of making mistakes, of having a fight over what we should do – that’s why we usually end up doing what we always do, going where we always go and keeping safe. It’s just plain easier that way (not to mention more peaceful). So this day, in my rather crazy disposition it was definitely a risk to go somewhere new, even if it was just a restaurant. But we did it anyway – and no one died.

We have been talking for months about wishing we could find some restaurants that weren’t chains (because really their food is way cheaper and yummier). But the only way to find out what was good would be to either hear about it from someone or just try it, and since we didn’t know many people (at least not ones that like to frequent restaurants) we just hadn’t found any yet.

So after much discussion and some wandering around a bit, we went past a family restaurant we’d noticed several times but had never been too. We drove in and nervously walked up to the door and entered. When we opened the door much to our surprise the place was packed! It was a family diner. They had an all day breakfast and then everything else under the sun on the menu and with good prices too! We were quite excited and hoped it would be good eats too.

Now since this was a fairly ordinary diner I had a difficult time deciding what ‘new’ food I would try. I settled on a hotdog with ‘the works’ (I’ve only ever had ketchup on my dog and have never ordered one while out to eat before) and some onion rings (I usually only order these when I know the place is good). Wally ordered a full breakfast and we waited…the waitress soon came back to tell me that they were out of hotdogs (of course) and gave me back a menu. Now I had some thinking to do…I settled on a Beef Dip sandwich to accompany my hopefully delightful onion rings. We got our food a while later and … we loved our meal! I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed mine – it wasn’t even poultry!! Wow! This whole trying new things thing is workin’ out … so far.

We are looking forward to trying a few more great restaurants in the future.

(I know it wasn’t all that entertaining or deep but that’s life sometimes)

Frustrated !!!!

Right now that's me. Frustrated. Like blood boiling, want to hurl everything out the window, empty everything out the filing cabinet for no reason, not add a smiley face to the end of my name , break something, scream at the top of my lungs frustrated!!!

What is the horrible problem that I'm dealing with, you ask?

I lost my earbuds.

I know, earth shattering eh?

Well for me, right now, that's how I feel (even though there's a pinch of reason in my mind that is telling me to get over it and move on - only a pinch though, in fact it may be less than a pinch).

I have spent the last 45 minutes looking all through our apartment (and even the car) for something I haven't used in weeks, but all of a sudden has become THE most important thing in the world to me. Someone tell me there's something to learn here!!

Ok since there's no instant feedback on a blog, let me try and figure it out on my own... hmmmmmmm.

One thing I've learned since losing my earbuds this morning (or should I say, since realizing they are in hiding) is that I desperately need to do an organization overhaul on our apartment. Yikes!!! I can't find anything - except what I'm NOT looking for.

I've learned that I am currently unfathomably irritated with Wally for leaving me in such a distraught state - how dare he. (And right now I'm not even being sarcastic).

I've learned that I know how to spell unfathomably on the first try (and it's a real word), yet I can't spell irritated. Oh and that earbuds is not actually a word. (Thank you spell check).

I've learned that you should turn the music down on the MP3 player before testing the ratty old headphones your husband gives you as an alternative (it was on full blast, and I'm quite positive my spirit jumped out of my body for at least 3 seconds).

I've learned that there's at least one bill in the pile that I totally forgot about and it needs to be paid.

I've learned that in these moments I am an irrational human being that should probably be drugged.

I've learned that you can check the same spot 3 times and shouldn't expect the 4th check to cause what you are looking for to magically reappear.

I've learned that blogging can take your blood from boiling to a gentle simmer in approximately 12 minutes.

There you have it folks, I learned a lesson or few.

I suppose I could use the ratty old ear phones and go for that walk after all ... well you didn't expect me to go for a walk without my music did you?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Adventure Day 4 – Wowsers, I can’t believe I did it without the Tequila!

Yes people, you heard right. Today was one to write down in the record books! July 23rd, 2009 I purchased a bikini (which for the record I will NEVER wear in public) – the point is I bought one.

The scenario: I went to Wal-mart to pick up a few things. I am just merely walking by a rack of clearance skimpies (my own word) on my way to practice looking at purses that I would never, on my own, buy. I saw the bright yellow clearance sign and the number 5 on each piece and I thought to myself ‘I am deciding it is not wrong for me to NOT try this thing on, or actually go to a real store to buy one since I will NEVER be wearing it out in public. This is as close as we’re going to get without the Tequila already in me to do this.’

So I casually looked at the very picked over remains on the rack and did my best to quickly find my sizes in both the top and bottom (which did not necessarily have to match in size *smile*). Hmmmm I wondered, should these two pieces actually co-ordinate? This would take up at least an extra five minutes to figure out – did I want to risk someone walking by and seeing me intensely involved in trying to match this absurd outfit I couldn’t believe myself that I was purchasing? I might as well if I was going through with it. So there I stood for a good 5-10 minutes trying to see what would match and what wouldn’t, praying the entire time that the fact that I was there at 8:45am would somehow help me out.

I learned something while on my search: there are lots of extra large bikini bottoms out there to buy, as there should be. I am a firm believer that ‘they’ (whoever ‘they’ are) shouldn’t make certain styles of clothing past a certain size because no one needs to see it. For example short shorts are only ok on twelve year old girls who haven’t grown past their stick legs – after that they should be off the shelves. Anyways, I seemed to manage to find some bright orange bottoms along with a wonderful stringy brightly coloured floral top. After I avoided some hyperventilating, I hid the little outfit under some of my other purchases – what the heck was I doing? And how could buying this little number actually help me ‘expand my horizons’? I had no idea at that point but I did it anyway. I have to admit that while I was going through the self check out, the whole time I was praying that I’d have no problems with the purchase – that last thing I wanted was some lady coming over and seeing what I was getting and dying of hilarious laughter at what she saw ME buying. It worked – there were no deaths.

*Phew!*

I’m not sure if I ate courage for breakfast today or what, but I was on a roll and decided if I could buy a bikini, I could go and try to buy a purse. So off to Winner’s I went. (Seeing as Wal-mart only had the kind of purses I would normally buy, I thought purchasing one there would be cheating – I’m no cheater). I walk into the store and quickly spotted the purse area. I took a deep breath in, and then slowly let it out. ‘I could do this’ I thought, ‘I’m on a roll, remember?’. I had to remind myself right away what I normally looked for: anything that was brown, black and small, with nothing fancy. Ok so I knew I had to look for the opposite of that description – those were the rules.

I was a bit overwhelmed, there were so many. Big ones, bigger ones, animal prints (hmmm….that would definitely be different), bright ones, ones that could be used as luggage, ones that had big price tags; others that had bigger price tags. After much perusing I picked up one that was certainly bigger than any purse I’d ever been given, it had long straps (I could still through it around my arm and hold on to it), it was a deep burgundy colour, and it was like a snake type skin – shiny yet soft. I took another huge inhalation and let it out. I looked at the price tag - $39.99. I took another breath in and out. I carried it around the store with me for a while to see if it ‘felt right’. It did. I was shocked. Who knew? Other than the ridiculous price, it was ok (you know … for something I’d never buy on my own).

I decided I would take it. In part because I liked it and in part because I wanted to get this over with – I had no idea how challenging it would be for me to buy a purse, completely draining. So I took my new found friend with me to the register to pay and the lady behind the counter remarked immediately: ‘Oh, time for a new one?’
I said nervously ‘Uh, yeah, I guess so, I don’t really buy stuff like this’. (Acting like I was at a porn shop for the first time).
She said ‘Will it go with your fall coat?’
I stared at her blankly thinking ‘What? Now I need to buy a fall coat? Are you kidding me lady? I’m wearing my fall coat’ (which doubles as my spring coat, which is a delightful neon green sporty jacket – I don’t think the purse matched it).
After I didn’t really reply she asked ‘Will it go with your winter coat?’
I quickly did inventory in my head, hmmmm…probably wouldn’t go with my sporty, everyday winter jacket either – think Eva, think…
I was obviously not too quick because she simply said ‘It’ll go with black’.
I concurred and thanked her for the transaction and quickly high tailed it out of there – man who knew so much thought had to go into buying a bag, man!

Apparently I hadn’t tortured myself enough to this point, because after walking out of Winner’s I decided I would go to the lingerie store and try to also strike #19 off of my list. I walk in. Oh the fun of seeing myriads of underwear everywhere. This was just too much for one day. I plunged forward.

I went straight to the back of the store where I knew all of the skanky stuff would be that I never buy. I had to pass by all of the cute, comfy pjs and housecoats on the way.

*sigh*

I begin to look through what was there. My goal was to buy something I’d never normally buy; once again I had to make a list of what I would rather buy and look for everything that was opposite to it. So I did, and I looked. I was in shock when I saw how much money some of the pieces were. I can’t figure out why someone would spend so much money on something they would only be wearing for but a few moments – none of this made sense to me, but that wasn’t the point of the exercise was it? After several minutes of looking around, having 2 ladies ask if I needed help and almost settling on a couple of things that were out of my element, I was nearly ready to make my purchase. Then a new lady comes up to me and asks if I needed help with anything, I said no and waited for her to leave. She didn’t leave. Instead she stood too close to me and had her eagle eye out and waiting. ‘Um, did I say I wanted you to stare at me for the next 10 minutes?’ I thought. She didn’t move, so I did – #19 would have to wait for another exhaustifying day.

**Side notes: I will do a special post on the experience of actually putting on the bikini (I plan on having the Tequila out that day – or something). I did try a new kind of cheese today – Blue cheese … I have a big wedge of it here if anyone is interested. I invited a few more people to read this blog, so I have completed #8 and I am nervously awaiting any response – I have to say, it is rather nerve wracking putting yourself out there. Being anonymous is way more comfortable.

Enough about you already, here’s more about me….

I don’t have the slightest clue how to wear jewelry. So generally I don’t wear much at all.

I genuinely believe that I can feel when my hair is turning grey – this happens a lot, especially lately.

I have had the honour of caring for someone that was dying – this is an odd activity to recommend, but I do.

I generally never spend more than $30 on anything I wear, no matter what it is. I have a guilt complex that kicks in if I even pay full price for something that is under $30.

The one thing I will pay more than $30 on is a pair of Sketchers – I am in LOVE with them. However, I wouldn’t buy them in my own country when I can get a deal in another one.

When I go to the library I always take out more books than I will actually read. If I take out 2, I’ll read one. If I take out 3 I’ll read half of one, a few pages in another and only the back of third one. Once I took a book out for 6 weeks (by itself) never read it, then took it out again 6 months later with another one and read it all the way through.

If you haven’t guessed by some of the things said here on the blog, it takes a loooooooong time (usually) for me to let people get to know me and my sense of humour. I often will let people get to know the ‘serious’ side of me but never the funny side – for years (and maybe still) my in laws thought I had no sense of humour at all.

I like peanut over plain.

Toffifee (sp?) are my friends.

I LOVE thunderstorms and even rainy days – they make me feel peaceful.

I can only drink white milk when it’s accompanied by cereal, chocolate, or some kind of yummy baked good.

I would be shocked if we got out of Wrinkleville without getting stuck in an elevator at least once.

I LOVE the people I work with, even though I barely know them. Actually, maybe that’s why I love them.

I’m totally ok with people missing me when I’m dead. Totally NOT ok with people looking at me when I’m dead – I’ve heard too many people talk about how bad a job the funeral guy did on Uncle Fred or Aunt Mavis. I’d rather someone photo-shop me into some awesome picture and blow it up. That way all the people that didn’t come visit me when I was alive can feel guilty and wonder about not seeing me at my best.
*chuckle, chuckle*

I wear lip gloss not lipstick

Perfect people leave me suspicious.

The high school bully nick named me ‘Grandma’ because she thought my demeanor reminded me of her grandma – ‘quiet and sweet’. Ironic part is that I later ended up housekeeping for her grandma, and she wasn’t that sweet (but she did make me laugh).

I still feel and think that I am 17 – I find it sad that I was just as boring at 17 as I am at 29, I’m workin’ on it.

I have a friend that used to be protestant but now is Catholic and considering the priesthood – I think that’s cool.

I want drinking buddies – less for the drink and more for the buddies.

When my weight gets to a certain low point (I’ve only been there once before), my boobs acquire a nick name – I don’t think I’ll share it … right now.

There you have it. I guess it always seems to come down to my boobs (or lack there of) – ha!

(No, I don’t have a boob complex I’m just jokin’ around – I’’ll quit now. Wally take a deep breath)

What kind of egg are you?

That's my question of the day for you!

There's lots to choose from: fried, sunny side up, poached, soft boiled, hard boiled, raw, rotten, running yolk, and maybe there are others I am unaware of. Pick one and explain, let me get to know you.

I am a hard boiled egg for sure. I am sometimes difficult to peel, only certain people really enjoy me on my own, and I'm great mixed in with a few other ingredients. Oh, and timing is everything with me!

Cheers!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Adventure Day 3 – I tried something new!!!

Ok so today began to play out like an ordinary day. I wasn’t sure how much adventure I would end up experiencing, but little did I know the craziness that would ensue.

Mama and Pop were up to visit today and they offered to take me out for a quick lunch. I couldn’t really go to a new restaurant as it wasn’t in the plans, but I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to try something new. Now, looking back I would’ve done things a bit differently as I was a bit rushed (we walked in right after they opened and there were literally 5 sets of eyes eagerly awaiting our order). We were at a fast food restaurant and I so badly wanted to get what I always got but knew I’d made a commitment to try new things so I did. I ordered a hamburger combo, with iced tea instead of pop. Wow!! Epic, eh?!

Sounds ordinary doesn’t it? Well if you only knew that I NEVER order hamburgers, like ever, you’d know that it was indeed a big deal. The only thing I was disappointed with was that I ordered it how I always had my hamburgers at home (just ketchup). I was immediately mad at myself and my non-living-dangerously (ok I realize that ordering a hamburger with the works isn’t exactly living dangerously but stay with me here). However, I do realize that I did this only because I hadn’t had enough time to think it through. Oh well, as Wally reminded me earlier, there will likely be another chance to try something new and I will definitely do better – but at least I took a baby step.

The consensus? I liked it and it was way cheaper than chicken – I ALWAYS order chicken. In fact I almost cheated and got a different kind of chicken because it would have been new, but I didn’t. And I learned that I like Wendy’s hamburgers. And iced tea is great if you just want something to sip and not feel like a balloon afterwards. I’m can’t wait to see what I’ll try next. Not every experience has to be deep.

Ok so I have another interesting story about Mama and Pop’s visit today. With them they brought some of Wally and mine’s favourite chocolate – a lot actually. I knew they were bringing me something, but I was not aware of the two other items for Wally. EEK!!! What was I going to do with 3 assortments of chocolate on my 40 day fast from the drug? Well, I was saved in a way, because I had a staff meeting right after our visit and I had already decided I would take mine there and so I called Wally up to check with him. I knew he would say to keep two of each kind out for him and take the rest – so I did. I also made a decision that many would say was ‘breaking the rules’ of my 40 day adventure. I took one of each chocolate (3 in total) and saved them for myself for later.

Now I mentioned before that I knew these were coming. I had decided that I couldn’t just give the whole batch away without at least a taste, and this is for reasons that may surprise you. It wasn’t because I couldn’t live without the chocolate, but because I felt guilty giving away a gift meant for me without even enjoying a bit of it. I knew doing that would make me feel guiltier than not having any at all. The cool part was that by doing this I felt free to enjoy an appropriate amount of it AND give the rest away without hesitation of either.

This brings me to something I’ve been thinking about a lot in the past week and I think I need to bring up now. It’s about living by the Spirit versus living by the Law. (I’m sorry for anyone that feels ‘out of the loop’ but I’ll try my best to explain). In Biblical terms, to live by the Law means you basically just follow the rules and that’s it, just keep behind the line. To follow the Spirit of the Law means understanding why the Law is there (for our best, as well as others’) and living it out because you want to honour God, yourself and others in how you live. When you are living the Spirit of the Law there really are no more laws to worry about, in it we are given the freedom to discern what we should do and what we shouldn’t, in whatever situations we face. This often makes things far more difficult because you are then responsible to decide what ‘too far’ is. There are no longer any lines to cross; instead you are left to rely on the Spirit to reveal truth and conviction.

This is not to say that we cannot still use laws or rules to help direct us in the grand scheme but we are now given the opportunity to perhaps experience things that were ‘absolutely nots’ before. For example: I was raised that drinking was wrong – all of it, there was no room at all for any kind of alcohol. So, as I grew up and saw people with a beer or a glass of wine I immediately thought they were drunk people. I am assuming this ‘rule’ came from a verse in the Bible that says ‘do not become drunk on wine but instead be filled with the Spirit’. Unfortunately this verse was taken to the extreme and a rule was created because someone thought that no amount of alcohol would be safe since there were some who abused it. However that was never said at all. We are told not to be DRUNK, that’s all - in other words don’t be a boozer.

If we take this scenario and apply it to living by the Spirit of the Law we are more than welcome to enjoy alcohol (in fact Jesus had his fair share and used His gifts to liven the party at least once), we just need to watch ourselves with how much we consume. However I have to say it is much easier to know you are doing the right thing if you just don’t do anything. Couldn’t you apply this to many things? Dancing, drinking, giving to the poor (heaven forbid if we give MORE than we are asked), swearing (what classifies swearing?), friendships with the opposite sex when you are married (are they allowed?), eating (what’s good and what’s bad?) and the list could go on and on and on.

The reason I bring this up is that for once I have decided that I want to complete this list of 40 things in 40 days not as an obligation, not as a to do list to be done, not just so that I can say I succeeded at what I set out to do. I began this list because I want to teach myself to expand my horizons a little bit. I want to re-learn how to make decisions, even the littlest ones. The ones that seem insignificant, but when you change how you make them you realize you may like something different than you thought. If you always do the same things you’ve always done, but can’t remember why, you’ll never know what you could be missing out on. It would be easy for me to say: ‘No chocolate for 40 days, period’, but that’s not the point. The spirit behind it is for me to have my other senses heightened, not to condemn myself to alienation from what I enjoy or what others are enjoying – that would be contrary to the point of this exercise. I hope you understand that I am still pursuing my #1 but it is with some discretion. I want to go with the flow and really allow the Spirit to convict and draw me closer to where God would have me be (ok I’m laughing a little at myself and how deep I got with the chocolate issue here).

It would be far easier for me, truly, to just go with the rule in this case, but that won’t teach me how to live …. And that’s exactly what I am trying to do here …learn how to live. No wait, I mean …… LIVE!

A few crumbs about me …

We have 2 cordless phones. After using them I seem to always put them within a foot of where the charger is, never actually back on the charger – apparently this is a bit annoying to some people.

When I am using a knife to spread something on say toast or a bagel, I never clean it off before dipping it into a second ingredient.

Unlike the people that organize the music at my gym, I do not believe that every possible kind of music (country, rock ballads, musicals) should be turned into techno to ‘pump up’ my work out. – It’s just wrong.

Lastnight at work I was told that I was really coming out of my shell, as I was joking very honestly about some stuff going on there. I hate having a shell.

I am an over zealous communicator. If you e-mail me (even when it’s long) I will e-mail you back immediately, if you call me I will return your call right away, it you write me I will write back A.S.A.P. If you are having a conversation with me there is little room for silence. This is something that has scared a few off and I really should work on – we’ll see.

I have a genuine love for Marshmallow that surpasses logic – I’m not sure why sometimes, but he is one person I would do anything for (anything I know that would help him).

I love rolling out of bed and having good hair (who doesn’t?), on these days I give myself a bird bath and call the day perfect.

I predominantly drive in the left lane, that way I don’t have to worry about maneuvering around city buses, cyclists and whoever else is slowing up the traffic.

These are all of the shoes that I own: 2 pairs of runners (indoor/outdoor), one pair of brown leather year-rounders, 2 pairs of brown sandals (nice/everyday), 1 pair of black sandals, 1 pair of black high heels (that I never wear, ever) and 2 identical pairs of small heeled strappy shoes (1 white and 1 black - $10 at Wal-mart woo hoo!), oh and 1 pair of boots (everyday, trudging through snow kind). Wally thinks I’m over-the-top with all of my shoes – I think he’s crazy. (Did you notice my colour choices are: black, brown and white? Perhaps colourful shoes should make my next list).

I'm a sweater - no not the knitted kind, the sweaty kind. It totally grosses me out (and sorry about adding to that list of 'things you didn't need to know') but it's the truth. There are few shirts I can wear without feeling completely self conscious that my sweat is making it's appearance.

I'm always cold (which seems weird considering the previous crumb), I wear sweaters in July. Among my favourite things are hoodies, soft socks, and fleecy blankets - love them. That being said I hate summer because it's too hot. It's my least favourite season - fall is my all time favourite, and except for the driving, I don't really mind winter (I sometimes even like it).

I’m not an easy crier, hugger or laugher. However, if I’m truly doing one of these things you know I mean it.

I force myself to occasionally tell those I love that I love them, even though saying it is one of the most uncomfortable things I ever have to do. It’s not that I don’t mean it – it’s just that I’d rather show it (or write it). I also never force myself to say it out of obligation – so once again, if you hear me say it, it’s because I mean it.

I’m not a normal girl. I honestly don’t get all hot and bothered by a muscle-tanned guy driving by on a bike, I don’t give a rip whether a guy has a few extra pounds around the middle, I don’t find chiseled looks all that attractive. I truly believe a person’s ‘who-they-are’ part makes them beautiful – and really I’m not being nice.

Speaking of being nice … I’m too nice sometimes, I’m trying to work on this in an appropriate manner. Being nice is good when you are actually nice, but when you are not actually nice and you are acting nice, you are just a liar – that’s not nice.

I’m really struggling to decide how honest I want to be on this blog. I mean I want to be totally honest yet I want to make sure I don’t offend any potential readers (or write a story about them and then remember they indeed read this). Hmmmm … sounds like the nice situation I mentioned above – I AM currently ironing this one out.

I love good smells - like I LOVE them. If I notice a nice smelling person walk by, it takes everything I've got not to hunt them down and ask what they wear. funny part is: I don't wear purfume - too smelly.

I truly believe that if I didn't wear a bra no one would ever know I had boobs - it's true I won't lie, it's all about the bra.

And one final crumb …

I believe cookie dough was never meant to be baked, at least not completely.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Adventure Day 2 - Is this jet lag?

Yes folks, you heard it right, I really think that I am indeed experiencing jet lag. Who knew you could get it from an imaginary journey, or at least a journey of this sort? I have been very exhausted lately and am finding it hard to stay alert all through my day. I don't know, maybe it's my weird schedule of work - whatever it is I hope I can kick it soon!

This morning I woke up bright and early feeling confident that this day would bring another accomplishment for sure! I was in good spirits and the day awaited me. I made a trip to the gym and it went very well. I got to see a few fun (and yes older) ladies I used to work out with when I went to the gym on my own back during school, in the early mornings (lately I've been going more in the late afternoons with a friend - but really I'm a morning person). Yes it was good. I came home and cleaned up ready to tackle #4 on my list - going out for breakfast with Marshmallow (my brother). I had facebooked him immediately after I made my list and we had tentatively planned to go this morning, however we had not completely confirmed things. So I awaited his response, called him on both phones (home and cell) and got no response.

So I waited around until noon, then gave in and e-mailed him hoping to reschedule. I still have not heard back. I have to say I am a bit surprised at his non-responsiveness, just because he is usually very good at getting back to me. Sometimes if he thinks it urgent he will call after seeing a note from me on facebook, rather than waiting for me to e-mail back. I am disappointed that I could not meet with him, for many reasons. I just hope that his is not avoiding me for other reasons (perhaps I'll explain that later). Anyway, I am working later this evening until nearly midnight so I thought I would describe my adventure day 2 before I head out the door.

Though I did not officially complete any items on my list today, I did bury deeper into a couple of them further for next week. I researched the church where I want to attend mass. It's actually a Basilica and a Cathedral - I didn't know the difference before today and it was very interesting (check it out somewhere!). I think that I may actually book a tour of the church for sometime next week - that is if they will do one for only one person. I figured then I could ask a few questions about mass and such for 'outsiders' to the Catholic faith and what I should expect. I don't want to disrespect their practices at all so it may be good to have a heads up first.

I also looked up places I could learn more about the homeless and less fortunate (I'm not sure if I like that term, whatever) in my city. I found one I think that I will also contact to learn more about and hopefully help out with some needs they have. Maybe I will even bring this up at my home church.

I am excited about both of these endeavors and know that if I hadn't challenged myself to do this I would never have explored these places and people on my own - YAY!!! I have also started e-mailing a few people regarding #7, #28, #18, #11. I love e-mail!

I have also been working on reading through the book of John in the Bible. I've read a few chapters now and have to say how interesting I find it that new Christians are pointed towards reading this book first. The first chapter or two are just so full of backwards talk, if I were new I'd be totally confused. Who am I foolin'? I was kinda confused and I knew what it was talking about - at least I think I did. It's not that I don' think it's a good book (as I read further, it does become an easier read), but I always try and see from a newcomer's perspective (at many things regarding the church or otherwise) and to me the very cool 'backward talk' in the beginning of the book could really give someone brain cramps man. I did come across one part last night that struck me - it was talking about how God alone is the one who draws people to Jesus(John 6:43-45)THAT'S cool. God wants me. A lot. How much better does it get than that. 'Nough said.

Well, my fair readers, I bid you good night and hope to ignite within you a desire to LIVE and be challenged in a real way. I have received a few suggestions on some things I can add to my list, please challenge me with more. I will post my final picks next week sometime that will make the cut for my 40 days of fun!

Remember: we are all works in progress ...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Adventure Day 1 - The excitement begins!

Well, I am a good part of the way through my first day of 40 on my great adventure. Now I have the feat of telling you how it all played out. The drama … the excitement … the big fat fight I witnessed in the laundry room.

I’ll have to get to that later. First I have to say I am a big fat grouch pants today, or at least I have become one. I’ll admit much of it has to do with having a final ice cap and donut which kept me up 3 ½ hours past my bedtime. Oh well, I’m glad I did it. Anyways I woke up at my normal too early time, with only 5 hours of sleep. I say that fully knowing that some people (at least one person) reading this, probably is lucky to get 5 hours sleep in a night. I’m used to 7 or 8 so I’m going to admit that I was tired when I got up, however I got up. And I was excited for my challenges.

I decided that I would try and tackle #10 on my list and work on going to the gym 6 times this week (my gym is only open 6 days in a week). I guess deep down I want to get that one over with, and I’m going to a wedding on Saturday and it wouldn’t hurt the bod. I went and worked out at the gym, posted a few random thoughts here, got clean, then enjoyed a great conversation with my auntie on the phone – man my day started out GREAT! I splurged with a chicken nugget and baked potato lunch, accompanied by far too much honey for dipping and a dollop or two too much sour cream – I’m off of sugary goodness I have to make up for it somewhere.

After lunch I decided to go tackle an ‘experience’ and visit the laundry room. It was time for me to get to know a dryer. So I took my 2 loads of laundry down to the 1st floor and began the process. I decided to be productive and leave it washing while I walked Sweet and Sour, no big deal. I then returned to take the clothes that I would hang up back to the apartment, after I put the others in the dryer. I loaded them in and filled the machine with change – 75 cents … wait it costs 25 cents for 5 minutes and unless these are miracle dryers there was no way my stuff was going to get dry in 15 minutes. I quickly added up how much more change I needed and thought to myself ‘THIS is why I don’t use the dryer when things can dry all on their own.’ I took the rest of the wet laundry upstairs and hung it, then grabbed my change.

I thought I’d quickly check my e-mail before going back. I did, then I grabbed my book and off I went. (Keep in mind I have now used the elevator 4 times in the past 20 minutes because I had also just taken the doggies out – these elevators are slower than molasses in January) and off I went again. As soon as the elevator door closed I realized I forgot to grab a laundry basket – I got my book, but that wouldn’t help me carry up my clothes (and knowing my luck I’d leave a Hansel and Gretel trail of sparkly undies for the creepiest old man to follow back to our apartment). I waited out the very long elevator ride and went back to our dwelling. I decided to go use the washroom quick before I went back. Once I’d done that, off I went again. Got into the elevator, to the laundry room, saw that the laundry needed a few more minutes and then realized I once again forgot the basket – grrrrrrrr!

So back I went, lucky to be on the elevator with the same old lady that several months back, saw me get on the elevator with my backpack and immediately asked if I was sick. I replied no and couldn’t figure out why in the world she asked me that out of no where. Then she went on and on about people travelling all over from Mexico with the swine flu and that she didn’t want to get sick – she was very annoyed. (Uh, hello, like I’d be travelling to Mexico with just my backpack – do I look like someone who would do that?). Anyway this broad held her tongue for both rides and I thanked the Lord above. I FINALLY got my laundry basket and went back down to the laundry room and that’s when I witnessed the laundry room brawl!

I went and checked my stuff, which still had 5 minutes, then went and sat with my book on a nearby bench. As I sat a little old lady, who maybe weighs a hundred pounds soak and wet, remarked to a big burly man about the 5 washing machines he was taking up (there are only maybe nine in total) . The man was a cheery sort … initially. He took it in stride at first, but then she wouldn’t let it go. He said that he had to work so he couldn’t come at all different times and asked what he was supposed to do. She kept challenging him and wouldn’t back off. I sat very quietly pretending to read my very spiritual book (come on, I wasn’t going to miss this – finally someone was calling someone else on breaking the ‘only use 2 washers at a time’ rule, which I had diligently followed – I’ve been waiting for this for months!!!).

After the rather intense confrontation (aka fight) was over I breathed a sigh of relief and went over to get my dry laundry. Only thing was that it hadn’t completely dried, harrumph! After all of the elevatoring I had done and waiting and watching, my towels and socks were still damp! Oh well. I had completed my task, I had used the dryer. Most of the stuff was dry, so I folded it up, went back to our apartment and hung what was still damp. I then decided that for all that hassle (not to mention the 2 bucks in quarters down the tubes), I would continue to hang every article of laundry I had. (Even though I have to admit, it was soooo nice not to have crunchy washcloths, socks and underwear – and yes that’s with fabric softener).

My concluding thoughts on using the dryer for the first time: Though I am too frugal to take advantage of the luxury of a dryer on a regular basis, I am indeed very glad I put this item on my list. Now I know how to use it if I want to (ok so it wasn’t that hard) and if I ever need it again I won’t contemplate for months before giving it a try.

THAT’S what this experience is about, trying new things so that I’ll try more new things … big or small. I wonder what’s on tap for tomorrow … Tequila or a bikini … I’m not sure but I think I’ll need the Tequila in order to get to the bikini.

Cheers!

Randomness…

Last night at work:
I apparently was asking Guy a lot of questions (the same guy I’ve mentioned before), such as: Where are you going? What are you doing? Why are you doing that? He responds to me with: ‘Eva, why are you so curious all of the time. You shouldn’t be – wanna know why? Because curiosity killed the cat Eva and you don’t want to die!!!’ Understand he said this with sincere urgency and in great seriousness.

Later Guy asked why I always held my head, looked down and shook it after he said stuff. I had no comment for him.

I was at the gym this morning and one lady said to another ‘It keeps slipping out, I can’t help it’ – in my head I laughed … I sometimes have a dirty mind.

Today on my walk with the poochies I passed by a Hershey’s wrapper that was lying on the ground, in that moment I hated #1 on my list.

Before I went to the gym this morning I had no e-mail, when I came home I had 4, 3 of which were from real people. First of all this is like the highlight of my day (I love real e-mails) and second of all, I learned that between 7-8 in the morning people are checking their e-mail.

Wally is a great writer and public speaker. He does whatever he does well. I have bad punctuation and say um a lot (or just too much of whatever’s roaming through my mind).

My list of 40 things to do in 40 days seems to be growing in my head (of course I’m now starting the next list). I’ve also decided to be a complete and true cheeseball and begin a ‘bucket list’. I love cheese. I really do.

Speaking of cheese – I haven’t tried enough different kinds – its number 1 on my next list – Try 5 new kinds of cheese. I don’t know if I’ll wait the 40 days for that one.

I think that when I type I’m dyslexic.

I met a woman at the gym today, who had great legs, the perfect hair, looked around 30. She has five kids, the oldest of which is 20. She strikes me as a genuinely happy person. She introduced herself to me, and said hello to several ladies by name. All around, she was just too cute for her own good. I liked her a lot and hated her a little.

I just realized the grammar check in MS Word sometimes has worse grammar than me or I, whoever.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Starting an Adventure!

As I write this it is very late (by my standards at least). My tummy is full of a Brownie Ice Cap Supreme and a sour cream glazed donut from my good friend Tim Horton’s. I felt it necessary as in a couple of hours I am beginning a very exciting journey. A journey I couldn’t truly try until now. I have been practicing quite a bit here and there since we moved into the city, but now that I have had some time to try a few things I am ready to go all the way.

I made a decision this morning that I was going to use this blog to my benefit for this experiment - as a sort of accountability partner and record keeper. A passion has grown within me in the past several years; a passion to live and take control of things (as much as I can), to experience people and places, and all sorts of things that I’ve been raised to fear. I no longer want to let those fears determine what perspective I am allowed to look through. I want to experience lots so that I can understand lots. By guarding my actions and my surroundings I have missed out on people and experiences that could ultimately change my character and my life. I want to begin tomorrow to step out of my egg shell and take on the world.

Ok so I have to admit this sounds waaaaay more dramatic than it really may be. In fact, to most people what I am doing will sound like the kindergarten class of life. But I am deciding not to be ashamed. Instead I’m going to take baby steps and challenge myself in things I have avoided and would continue to avoid in life had it not been for my undying desire to learn, grow and connect with those around me. I figure if I can take on the ‘small stuff’ now and be changed by it, then later on I can tackle the ‘big stuff’ and continue to change and grow.

Here are a few things I have had to use as ‘practicing’ in living life. These things are what I wouldn’t have done had I not chosen to get over my fears.

• Over a year ago I started a gym – would’ve never done it before, I would’ve worried about what people thought about me spending my money on that sort of thing. (I would’ve been self-conscious as well).
• I recently went to a movie all by myself for the first time (in a sketchy theatre I’d never been to no less – I was also the only person in the theatre).
• Last week I drove downtown to the central library (we have several) at night, by myself, on a whim. I had to park underground, had no real idea where I was going or what I was doing. In fact it took me ten minutes to figure out how to actually get into the library (it is inside of a mall and is 2 stories – I couldn’t seem to find any doors yet could see all of the people inside reading their books – torture!!)
• Several months ago I began attending a home church. I didn’t know a soul.

Like I said before, to many people these things are just a part of the lives they live, no big deal. But for me, growing up in a tiny town of 2000, with my rural roots (you seriously have to do a family history on the people you date because you never know if you could in fact be related), all these things were a big deal. I figure a great way for me to expand my horizons is to write down some of my goals, or hopes, of the things in life I want to experience. Some of them are small things and some are much bigger. Some will certainly seem mundane and silly; the point isn’t to worry about how applicable they are to the grand scheme necessarily, but to let the little moments get noticed too. I am so very excited for this adventure. I cannot wait to share what it is and what I am doing. But if you are curious you will have to join me tomorrow to find out what it is that I am up to.

I do hope you will come along for the ride!

Going to the chapel and we're gonna .... go into mounts of unnecessary debt ?

Weddings ...

*Sigh*

Part of me cannot wait to get out my feelings on weddings and then there’s another part of me that is fearful of how my thoughts will spill out. Oh well, here she goes…

Weddings. In they’re purest sense are one of the most sacred, beautiful, meaningful celebrations in a person’s life, if they choose to have one. They are coveted by young women and dreamed about by girls even younger.

What first comes to mind when you think of a wedding? To me, a big white gown, multitudes of flowers, extravagant décor and dress, lots of food, laughter and some tears. I think of the ‘the walk’ down the aisle, vows that are recited, promises made, perhaps a father/daughter dance, followed by some once in a life time speeches (good or bad). Oh and don’t forget the cake – a brilliantly decorated cake is essential for a good wedding.

As I mention all of these things I chuckle to myself. Don’t get me wrong, these are all beautiful additions to a nice celebration of love but how vital are they really to a celebration of a sacred covenant that is being made between two people and their God? That is the true essence of a wedding, isn’t it? The coming together of two people into one, who plan (with God’s help) on spending the rest of their earthly lives together. When I put it that way you kind of do wonder what all of the pomp and circumstance is about.

I think back to when Wally and I were preparing for our own wedding. Since my mama didn’t get to plan her wedding (when she was 19) she was quite excited about helping us with ours. And since mama and pop were paying they certainly had the final say. In all honesty I would have loved to run off and get married without the big show especially when mama stormed into my bedroom 2 weeks after we were engaged and demanded we get ‘on this’ and start making some concrete plans. She is an organizer and needed things done yesterday, I just wanted sit and enjoy knowing that soon (within 7 months) I would finally be able to live my life with Wally all the time.

Anyway Wally and I decided that the main thing we cared about was the ceremony – it was the real reason we were going ahead with the ‘big’ wedding. We wanted to set an example of deep respect and commitment for the covenant we were about to take part in. We wanted others to be there to witness our vows to one another and hopefully later keep us accountable for the words we were promising to each other.

We indeed planned the ceremony and mama made sure the décor was beautiful, as well as the reception. I tried to make sure my girls’ dresses were affordable, modest and wearable again. Wally and I pursued premarital counseling and only went a couple of times before our pastor said we were ‘good to go’. I nearly begged him to keep working with us – I had ‘issues’ with Smoky mama and knew that I wanted to work them out before the big day. The pastor however said he thought we were the most grounded couple he’d met with (to marry) and that we had ‘good heads on our shoulders’. I was praying he’d change his mind and help me work through some of my bitterness (it’s another long story). Anyway I was left to my own.

We indeed had a wonderful day and a very meaningful ceremony to both of us, and surprisingly many others. We wrote our own vows and added our own ideas. We refused to have a unity candle on the sole basis that everyone had a unity candle. We chose our Scripture and songs for our musicians to sing and play. Every single person in the ceremony was specifically chosen in regard to our relationship to them. I collected my bouquet as I went down the aisle, from several people that were special to me and whom played important roles in my life at different times. I wrote special notes to each of them, to share with them why I had chosen them and what they meant to me. I loved it and I loved them.

My brother, Marshmallow, lived up to his name that day. He bawled and bawled all day and throughout the ceremony. He hugged me (and I mean HUGGED me) 3 times throughout the day. I had written him an extra long, REAL letter, sharing my unconditional love and care for him as his sister. Apparently when he read it at home (after I’d left) he cried like a baby and just sobbed and sobbed. You see normally he puts on this ‘tough guy’ act and tries not to show emotion, I guess it wasn’t working for him that day – I’m glad.

I’ll never forget walking down the aisle and saying to Pop ‘Wow! There are so many people!’ To which he replied (in a cracked, shaky voice) ‘You’ll be fine, it’s ok, you can do this.’ Um, I think I should have been the one telling him that… his reaction was interesting to me because I’d never seen him crack before or seem nervous - EVER. He is Mr. cool-calm-and collected.

So we lived through our day and all of the pomp and circumstance. I did wear an off white dress that I had made by my closest friend’s mom. I loved that it was made by someone who respected marriage and upheld it’s sacredness. She hand stitched much of the lace because I couldn’t afford to buy the actual amount needed. The dress was beautiful. Not like other bride’s dresses. It didn’t make me look like a princess on her most perfect and only day. Instead it made me feel prepared to take vows that would bind me to another person. It was different, imperfect and special just like me, and just like the life I was walking into.

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine about my ‘most beautiful day’ ever. I was referring to a time I was in a friend’s wedding. When I was done talking my friend said ‘You mean except for your own wedding, right?’ I smiled and said ‘No.’ She looked at me awkwardly and waited. I tried to explain that I never felt that ‘fairytale’ way about our wedding day, but that it was intentional. I didn’t ever want to set myself up to feel disappointed or diluted about what my wedding day was supposed to be about. It was really about Wally and I making a covenant, period. Not about feeling like the most beautiful person on the planet. No dress, jewelry or hairdo could make me beautiful on my wedding day, that was an inside job and I had hoped that I’d done my homework and succeeded.

I don’t mean to come off as a ‘know it all’ about weddings or that I ‘have it all together’, or that I am such a godly woman, because I don’t and I’m not. I fail in so many ways: with my attitude (especially with family), I carry around bitterness of hurts from long past, I birth jealousy that clothes me in the ugliest of garments. However over the years Wally and I have been married I have had a front row seat to what marriage can bring with it: the challenges, the hurts, the frustrations. These things only get glossed over during the sermon at a wedding. How often do you here a couple talking about how they are going to deal with the day when the husband loses his job when they are signing up for their bridal registry? Hmmmm … never.

Marriage is a wonderful gift and a beautiful one, if cared for, but during the planning of a wedding the main focus seems to always be the day, to celebration and how everything is going to look in the moment. And that’s the thing, the day lasts but a moment and the marriage lasts … well that depends.

I suppose part of me just wonders, if we could strip away all of the outward stuff and started to work on all of the inward stuff, what would happen to our divorce rates? By no means am I trying to judge people that have decided upon divorce but I'm sure many of them would say themselves that they would do things differently. Perhaps they would still marry the same person but maybe consider possible circumstances they may go through as a couple and how they may react. Now I realize that there really is no possible way for a couple to know what they would really do in this situation or that. The thing is that many of them are so caught up in the fairytale they are planning (in their wedding) that they fail to recognize that life indeed takes over after wards and you don't drink from champagne glasses and feed each other cake every night for dinner. That unlike the day of your nuptials, things don't always go smoothly, you don't always respond adoringly at one another and you can even look down right ugly to each other - and the kicker is neither one of you give a rip what the other one thinks.

Once again I'm not trying poo poo the party, just trying to make the after party an event that can be enjoyed for more that a mere few minutes. I could truly go on about this for hours and hours but I will force myself to stop.

Wedding: the ceremony or celebration of a marriage

Marriage: a legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife (or now a days between two people), a close union

Seems to me you need a marriage before you can have a wedding ... at least one worth celebrating.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Time to settle down?

So the other day I walked into the gym and when I opened the door I was met by my least favourite gym worker. She’s a spunky, short, blonde haired (with some help) lady who initially was my favourite. What happened you ask? I talked to her.

I actually hadn’t seen her for quite a while as I was going in at a different time than usual (or not at all, who am I kidding?) She immediately asked how I was doing, and how my family out east was (I don’t have any family out east), then we got chatting.

She randomly asked me how long I’d been married. I replied ‘8 years.’ She gave me a ‘You’re too young to be married 8 years’ look. And I replied with ‘I was 21 and indeed too young to have gotten married.’

Well the look of shock that then struck her face was priceless. It was as if she was waiting for me to announce my divorce (or that my husband and I kept things together through a neighbourhood swingers club – and I don’t mean the dancing kind).

Before I could let her answer my retort I explained that I had a great guy that helped make it work. All was good. She asked ‘You really think you were too young?’ I nodded and then said I wasn’t a proponent of people getting married young. She replied with ‘But if you want to have children, blah, blah, blah’. Then she went on to tell me that her 26 year old daughter STILL wasn’t married or in a long term relationship. Still? I said ‘26 eh? She’s still a baby! She’s got lots of time. And if she’s happy then what does it matter.’ This lady wouldn’t give up. ‘She’s not happy though; she’s dated lots of guys and just can’t seem to find the right one. She wants to have children someday and let’s face it, every woman has a clock.’ Something gave me the impression that this mama was the unhappy one here.

I hate a conversation that gets to this point, when you realize that you are obviously not actually a part of it. You know, when you are talking but no one is listening, you are really just there to here the other person’s woes. Don’t get me wrong, some woes need to be heard. The ones that make you go: ‘Ok so my life’s not bad after all’, or ‘Wow, I could learn something from this person’. To be honest if I were feeling overly kind and thoughtful I could probably squeeze out some sort of lesson, but really I just wanted to share mine.

It seems to me that when I share my views on the young people marrying, many who push it immediately get offended. Offended for themselves (as many of the ones who here me say this have married young), offended for Wally (how dare his wife have the gall to say she regrets getting married to such a peach of a guy), and offended that I would basically say that we should all wait until our eggs and swimmers are nearly expired before we commit to someone.

Ok so first off I want people to realize that it is the most honest part of me that is revealing this – I really should be more guarded with my thoughts and feelings. But why? I’m sure there are others out there that wish they’d waited but don’t say it for the reasons I mentioned above. They worry about people doubting their love for their spouse and the life they have. When I say I wish I’d waited it really has little to do with the person I chose to spend my life with and a lot to do with the fact that marriage is a super serious commitment that involves a lot of thinking about the other person. For example, I have always wanted to travel and do mission work, Wally does not share that same desire (at least not the travelling kind). I have to choose how much I care for one over the other. It doesn’t necessarily mean I give up one and chase down the other, it means carefully and prayerfully considering how to balance the two together.

You see when Wally and I got married we thought we had everything figured out. We thought we knew who we were and how we’d live and everything. Then, as I mentioned in my last post, my world got flipped upside down and I felt challenged and even convicted to LIVE the life I was given (Wally too). The old dreams I had suddenly came alive again. I wanted to go back to school, my desire to travel became more apparent and so much more. These things I’d ‘put away’ when we married. I thought they were for single life, not for people that are ‘settled’. In some ways doing those things aren’t for ‘settled’ people at all and that’s exactly why I want to do them. Why is it that when you get married all of a sudden you are expected stop seeking out perspective on the world?

Proof of this expectation to ‘settle’ has just recently become more apparent to Wally and I as many people we have run into from where we used to live have asked when school was going to be done for us. When we tell them that in 6 months we’ll both be done they are so excited for us. They exclaim: ‘The time will go by fast!’ (Um, who said I wanted it to?), ‘You’ll be so glad to have it done and over with!’ (Really? I kind of like school), and my favourite: ‘Soon you can settle down and get on with life!’ (EEK!! Really? Oh no! I was really hoping this was all the beginning of something new!).

For the record … I know beyond a doubt that God has a plan for Wally and I, that it was Him that drew us together and Him that has kept us together (along with our commitment to our marriage). I do not regret marrying Wally, however if I knew then what I know now I may have tried to experience a few more things BEFORE walking down the aisle, just because it would have been easier to do practically. HOWEVER with that being said, I completely understand that it is possible that there may be reasons why we got married when we did and that my life could be totally different if I hadn’t followed what I felt God was really leading me towards.

I guess I feel so passionate about this whole thing because I know that so many young couples don’t have the benefit of having two sets of committed parents (as Wally and I do), they see marriage as a romantic endeavor (fortunately Wally and I never really did and I think that helped A LOT), and they fail to realize that life can alter every part of who you are without you wanting it to (this we were NOT aware of and we sometimes are surprised we stuck it out this far).

So back to what I had originally started this off with… I think a key for people in our situation, who want to live daily a life of openness to God’s leading and revealing of the very cool and very challenging is not ‘setting down’ and saying ‘Ok I’ve done what I was asked to do (whether it’s getting married, having kids, selling your house and going back to school, or whatever it may be) I can sit back, relax and get on with my own plans now’. Instead it’s continuing to use and stretch that muscle of experience - keep trying new things, keep meeting new people, keep seeing through new perspectives. It is saying and living: ‘What do you want to do next God? Should I go or should I stay? Do I build a home here or do you want me to travel with a tent? What is your call for me TODAY?’

It's never time to settle down.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Shaken … not Stirred

A few years ago (around 7 now) my life got shaken … not stirred, shaken. My 44 year old aunt at the time was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia (the week of our wedding actually). She spent 14 months of the end of her life fighting the illness before succumbing to it.

This shook my world. Not because I hadn’t experienced a loved one dying, I had. Not because I was fairly close with her, and I was. Not because I couldn’t go on with out her in my life, I could. But because I didn’t think any of this would actually happen, I mean this kind of stuff happens to ‘other people’. If someone you love gets sick, you pray for them and they get better (at least if you’re spiritual enough they will), or so I thought.

Up until the last few days of her life my family was in denial. We all heard the words that she wouldn’t make it but we couldn’t get past her ‘rally’. She was sent home to die and they expected she would within a couple of weeks – 2 max. After 2 weeks she seemingly began to get better. Her hair was growing back (duh, she was done her treatments), she was hopping and bopping, she had pep. One of my last visits with her was crazy weird. The previous ones were held in her bedroom, with her in bed and I in a chair. She was weak yet spunky, willing to be completely honest and open with her feelings and hopes for us as a family to go on and just chill about stuff. We talked about her struggles with letting go of her husband, about giving her blessing for him to remarry someday, and about how much she would miss being at her only son’s graduation and wedding. She also warned me to ‘be careful what you wish for’ - apparently she had always joked about not wanting to become a grandmother because of the connotation of getting old, now she was getting (to some degree) what she wished for.

Anyways, this visit was different than the others. She was up and dressed, wig in place, make up on. It was night time (another big deal). We hung out in the living area and SHE asked ME if there was anything I needed, then she got me a drink. This visit was filled with good conversation, laughs and essentially … life. It was an amazing gift. We got many gifts when she arrived home. A chance to be honest, I asked her a ton of questions which no one else would (I thought ‘Are you kidding? She’s dying I’m getting it all out there’). A chance to say: ‘Good bye, you’re the best, we love you, we’ll be ok’ even though we weren’t sure we would be. And we got not two, but seven weeks with her.

After it was over and life went on, I fell apart. I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. Not so much during the day – I mean I had to ‘keep it together’ and I was known for that, but at night, before falling asleep I would sob and sob. I would wonder how this could possibly happen to our family. This went on for months as I grieved. Poor Wally said that after several months he almost lost it with me because all I ever did was cry. He wondered if I would ever stop.

During the months that followed I grew bitter with some of the close friendships I had because no one understood my reaction. All my Christian friends seemed to keep saying things like ‘She’s in a better place. You had a gift of extra time with her. She’d want you to be happy.’ Here’s the thing, my reaction wasn’t ALL about losing my aunt. It was about realizing that I’m not immune to tragedy. And though I feel that tragedy is a bit of a strong word to use for this, that’s how I felt. Again this ‘tragedy’ wasn’t all about the person I lost, but that I indeed could lose something real and something important to me. It wasn’t in my hands. I was grieving over my innocence and over the belief that God would protect me from the heart break I was experiencing, and He certainly didn’t. In fact he did the furthest thing from it, He allowed me to feel the pain - physically my heart ached. Before that I thought heart break was only a saying.

Seven months after my aunt died that same family buried my grandfather and my grandmother’s brother (they died a day apart). A week before that my other grandmother passed away. These deaths were sandwiched around Christmas. Two of the three people had drawn out illnesses – and the other had attempted suicide a month before dying of a heart attack. I was also grieving the loss of a couple of very close relationships during this process – which I think died off because of this process.

During these months a transformation took place. First in a seemingly negative way (I remember at one point I said the words ‘pissed off’ to one of my friends on the phone about something else and she was stunned – I was changing). Then after a while I really started to re-examine myself, my life and my perspective. I became aware of my humanity and of how fast life passes us by, and how we do in fact get to choose how we live out this gift.

Did I want to live it out with passion or with fear and trepidation? I did not want to live life in a bubble any longer, scared of ever little challenge and fearful of all of the ‘what if’s’ out there. I began to realize how much control I had over some things and how little control I had over others. I then decided I would do my best not to let life’s heart breaks stunt my growth, if anything I’d allow them to challenge me to go forward. I decided that no matter what I was given in life I would do my darnedest to make something better out of it.

Though I am far from perfect at living this out and most often I feel as though I stumble more than I succeed (just read my last post), I can honestly say that I am doing my best to pursue a life that allows itself to get shaken … not just stirred.