Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Because I love lists

Seriously why do I have issues turning my mind off?

Tomorrow (or at least the next day) I am committing myself to going to the natural health place and getting this miracle spray I keep hearing about that helps turn your mind off. Then I'm going to buy shares in it and then figure out the magic ingredient and sell it myself.

Who am I kidding? It'll probably be worth enough to just have it for myself.

Anyways, on to other things...

This is going to be simple but right now it seems necessary, as I'm up and always feel drawn during these times to write. Whether it's worth reading or not is another story.

This is a list. Because I like lists. About what? I'm not so sure. But that's what it is.

* In this moment I am feeling overwhelmed by the love I have in my life (which I have to mention is in shear contrast to how I felt a couple of days ago - clearly spreading the love is a good alternative to hate).

* Yesterday, though I felt almost run off of my feet and was definitely exhaustified by the end of my day, I was energized by having responsibilities at work. I felt like I was accomplishing something, being good at something, and actually contributing to something. It felt good.

* It's 3:55am and my tummy is nearly growling

* I looked at my planner yesterday and felt joy at how 'in control' everything looked. I realized that my lack of a regular schedule is a main ingredient contributing to my anxiety with my job. If I can get that under control I may start feeling the joy at work more regularly.

* Lastnight I took a young lady I was supporting out for a swim in our pool. I felt discouraged at how much work I've done to get in shape and how I'm not yet 'there' (where ever that is). I am ever struggling to celebrate my victories in this area as I have completely changed my life and in many ways overcome my mental anguish with food. I am determined to continue the fight to not only celebrate but to succeed!

* The other day I was told that a big problem someone had with me was the fact that I 'need to get over myself'. I thought long and hard about this. I told the sharer of this news I would never stop being excited about who I am because most of the time there's no one else to do it. Too often in life we get feeling alone and uncared about by others and the only way I know how to keep myself from feeling unloved is to celebrate myself - even though it appears, and maybe is, very self absorbed. If it keeps me from hateful, self defeating, no good thoughts about myself and others I will do it. My other option is to be depressed, hateful and suicidal - all things I've tried before and they don't generally aid in healing.

* By learning how to celebrate myself I feel like I am more and more able to celebrate others as well, or at least I am trying. Forgive me if it takes some study - getting an A in real life is a hell of a lot more difficult than getting one in school.

* As much as I think my immediate family (the one I was born to) is a little quirky (certainly myself very much included), I really really love them. My mom is overlooks my shortcomings ever so naturally, my dad is always the encourager and positive one (and well ... tremendously odd - I really do take after him), and my brother is a defender of his sister who would fight for her to the death. How much better does it get?

* At some point in my life I want to succeed at living well. I plan to break through the mysterious barrier and have the world say 'wow'. Ok or just at least give my heart a peaceful smile :)

* I have a great view from where I am of very admirable people. Some of them I've told, some of them I haven't - maybe I should get on the haven'ts.

* It's now 4:17am and I feel electric joy just by focusing on the good. Which is generally all great but at 4:17am a wee bit annoying.

* I just re read my post and had a 'light bulb moment' with my fifth bullet. I am already there. My body just hasn't caught up with me. WOW!!

* It's 4:25am. I'm going to eat something then hurl my bod back into bed because hello. It's 4:25 am.

Good morning :)