Sunday, July 11, 2010

Needs above wants

So ... yeah ... I can't sleep.

Of course that brings me here.

I don't know where to start really. I'm not going to give any more away about what I'm up to int he next couple of days just that it'll be a story worth hearing about when it's done.

As for now I'm not sure where to start, but what's new?

I guess I should go back to my recent infection of the Sads. It's funny, it feels so familiar that I really do feel like someone who can't seem to shake a bad cold. I started taking vitamin C, getting more sleep and washing my hands more but somewhere along the line I let my guard down and all of these habits melted away about as quickly as I developed them.

Now I feel like I'm back at square one but in a different place. With my first case of the Sads it appeared that I was the only one infected. Of course I quickly learned from comments here on the blog that I wasn't and I got some great advice.

I heeded the advice and tried my best to nurse my illness and it looked as if, for a while, things had cleared up.

However here I am a mere 2 months later (only 2 weeks after the vacation I took) with what seems to be an even more severe case of the Sads. How the heck did this happen?!

I suppose I could give a hundred reasons if I looked back, but at this point none are all that clear. I'm still working on it. One thing a co worker said of someone else in the field who was an amazing working stretched to the limit that just recently had to quit was that she was addicted to stress.

Initially I thought 'Wow, that would suck. that girl must need help.' And then I got thinking about my reoccurring Sads and thought 'What are you talking about you are addicted to something about being overworked!!'

Now I can't say at this point that I know what it is that I'm addicted to but it's there, something is attracting me to give up my life for work. Eventually I'll figure it out.

Obviously I have learned what I need to do (cut back on work), I pretty much know how to do it (say no!!) but for some reason feel a high out of taking on too much of it.

When I say I get a high out of it that is EXACTLY how I feel when I say yes to a shift most of the time. I don't know why because it's not always and I know it's not entirely the 'making people happy' part. But it's something about filling my day planner with names and times that just ... gives me energy.

that is until that date arrives and I completely dread the 10-12 hour day I've booked myself into.

Anyways, I don't know the why yet but I'll keep working on it.

In the mean time while I work to shake of my latest run in with the Sads I seem to have found myself no longer alone in it but rather completely surrounded by crowds of infected people.

I was talking to a co worker tonight on the phone who was a semester behind me in school and in every word she speaks regarding work she sounds like me (only I have to say she's more of a natural in this field that I am).

She's full of fear to say 'no' so she says 'yes' to EVERYTHING. She worked at least 10 hours of overtime last week (which, to be honest, is rare from what I know where we work because they try to avoid paying time and a half at all costs). Plus she's been pulled from scheduled shifts and put other places without being asked (not to mention pulled form more relaxed places and put into high stress situations).

I was talking to her because I was trying to find coverage for the scheme I'm involved in and she, of course, was willing to work. After speaking with her for a few minutes I was enraged and gave her a loud, compassionate, yet firm lecture on work. I told her never to worry about hours because I would promise her myself she'd be fine. I reminded her she WILL burn out within a couple of months (will). I told her she should not be putting up with being told she's being pulled from one place and put into another and she has every right to say no - I have. I know full well people are taking advantage of her newness, youth, and desire to pay the bills.

By the end of our conversation I had let her know to call anytime she was worried or questioned something. (Which is hilarious because I really am still too new to pretend I know much).

It took everything in me afterwards not to send an e-mail out to the managers telling them to stop pressuring new young employees to do all the crap work and making them feel trapped, stressed and like they have no other option but to comply (I'm not sure they do this completely intentionally but they do it). It's so interesting: we learn so much about teaching those we support to have a voice yet we strip eachother of it all the time.

Anyways, all of that to say the Sads are all around.

Lastnight, after my long Saturday of nailing jello to a wall day I was exhausted. When I arrived home to check e-mail, including facebook I see that I have not one but two messages from a young lady I support (who by the way has no clue what 'stop sending me 45 texts a day' means). It sent me over the top. I was angry. One place of my own was invaded.

Later when Wally and I were sitting in the living room my one dog was licking himself very loudly and I threw water from my bottle at him. A lot of it. Obviously he was fine as it missed and it was just water but I could tell Wally wasn't impressed. I went to bed.

I laid in bed before 9pm knowing that I had a whole day of work to face tomorrow and felt completely done. Kind of like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean with no air to be found. I just laid in my bed thinking 'There's no way out. I can't quit my job. But I can't get out of working what I've committed to this summer. How am I going to survive? What am I going to do? I don't believe in living for my day or weekend off, or my next vacation. It's over. I'll just have to be depressed for the next two months.' Then I proceeded to cry. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up Wally asked if I was feeling better. I said 'The same as lastnight only with a bit of rest.' Which really meant 'Still sad'.

I went to work and during my first half hour everyone was still asleep. I decided to take the chance to read a few pages in my retreat book 'Eat Pray Love'. I LOVE this book by the way. It's a me book.

Remember back in the early part of the year when I talked about a book by Donald Miller that I said that I thought I wrote but he just stole it from me. Well, I feel the exact same way about this book. I could've written it.

Well, you know, except for the part where I haven't gotten a divorce, or traveled the world, nor am I a best selling author. So there are a few differences .... currently. (I do hope to stay married).

It's just another one of those books that I connect with in a way that goes beyond enjoying. I feel like as I'm reading I'm writing. Sounds weird I know, but it's true. I hear my own voice telling me a story in a tone that convinces me I've already experienced the words I am taking in from that page.

I'm not sure where my little epiphany came from but I suddenly realized that though I cannot change my schedule I can change other things that surround my schedule. (Wow! As I write this I'm thinking 'Duh, that seems like a no brainer').

Suddenly I felt my mind was no longer raining down tears of sorrow, instead I felt a little ray of hope peaking through the clouds.

Of course now the homework is the change that will occur (again!). I have some solid ideas on how I will attempt to handle this, but I prefer to hold on to them for a day or two before sharing. I can say they are related to how I will spend my non work time.

I generally profess to be a lover of learning. And generally I am. Right now I'm tired of learning. Right now I want to rest.

Sometimes what we want isn't what we need.

Sometimes we need to learn first and rest later.

Admit it you always rest better once you have exerted yourself.

I'm exerting so that soon I can rest.

Quick blog post with husband looking over shoulder.

I want to write so bad but I'm in the middle of helping a co worker make a difference in Vivvie's life. (You remember Vivvie right?)

Will have tons to write about in a couple of days. Hopefully I will still have a job.

That's another story. One worth living though :)

It's helping me keep the Sads at bay for another day or two.

The last 24 hrs have been a roller coaster of emotion.

Pray for us.