Thursday, April 28, 2011

I wish, I wish

It's 4 am and I should be heading back to bed after being up for an hour and a half already but I want to write ... apparently about nothing.

I think sometimes I'm kept up because I just think as time in the night is sacred, uninterrupted, unguilty time that I ca use however I want to.

I mean I can't really do laundry as Wally's trying to sleep. I should do dishes but again it would be too noisy. What else is there but to surf the net, write inappropriate comments on people's facebook pictures and try and solve all fo my problems.

It beats a stuffy bedroom.

I actually want a solution.

To a .... somewhat unexciting life.

I made a comment the other day on FB about not wanting a 'standard old life' and then I was asked what that was. I'm guessing I probably had people thinking I meant that life can't be exciting living the 'norm'. You know being married with kids and a regular job.

That's not what I meant at all.

If anyone has met my closest friend they'd know that she is the epitome of exciting (in my opinion) and she is essentially a stay at home air force wife.

She is not afraid to take her kids anywhere anytime to try almost anything. She doesn't allow life to hold her back from living.

Currently her husband is on a 7 month deploy to Afghanistan. They have a 4 yr old son, 2 1/2 (almost) yr old daughter and she found out just after he left that they are expecting baby number three 6 weeks after his return.

Not to mention they live in Florida, her family lives in Canada, his family live in Ohio and other parts of Florida that are still 8 hrs away.

There is never a dull moment in her life. Never.

Now my hope is not to come across all 'My life is so boring and hers is perfect and blah, blah, blah ... the grass is greener over there.' Because that's not the point.

The point is she's a bloomer. Where ever she's puts she's beautiful. She adapts to her surroundings even when there seems nary a drop of water in sight. I admire that.

I feel like I need a manual on how to dig in roots, look for water, stay clear of weeds and look my best. Flowers are supposed to know what to do already aren't they?

I'm sort of hoping much of the sort of emptiness Wally and I are feeling is the lack of our own little family. Both of us are really beginning to sense that gaping hole in our world. Not in a 'We need a baby to complete us' way, but more in a 'We want to nurture and give to someone else's life meaningfully' way.

Thank goodness we don't need biological or our own children to fill that void (at least not most of it).

Wouldn't life be easier if it all just happened?

Sometimes I struggle with how much power we have over it and how we choose to respond to it. I wish somethings we couldn't decide, but then again ... I better be careful for what I wish for.

Sometimes I think that I handle 'outside of my control circumstances' better because I know I had no part in making them happen. When I don't create the problem I feel much less obliged to have to know how to fix it and more at ease to just trust for what I need to 'handle' it. Probably much of the reason I've hesitated at the idea of 'deciding' when it was right for us to have kids. How often do we really know what's best for us?!

I think that's why I was able to become at peace so quickly with originally losing so many hours at work, because at least half of it was not my decision. Of course since then I have gained back more time and am now in the dilemma of having to decide myself what's best for me. Do I cut back somewhere else? Do I accept things as they are? How do I know what's meant to be and what I should intervene with?

Generally I'm a faith filled person that would say 'just do what your heart says' but as I get older it's a wee bit more difficult to obey the heart over the mind.

I will still try though.

I wish I prayed more. I wish I felt less distracted and more connected. I wish I could quiet myself better. I wish I didn't always feel so restless.

I wish, I wish.

Well, it's been 2 hours and I haven't solved all of the world's problems yet. Maybe one solution is to go back to bed. I think I'm gonna do that.

Nighty night.