Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Little Miss Not-So-Perfect

I'm in the midst of a very busy week that I am excited to say good bye to in some ways. It's just too busy to enjoy really.

Several weeks ago I ran into a friend (actually also a blog reader) who I hadn't seen in a while. WE chatted a bit in the grocery store and talked about getting together and she said 'I've thought about getting together but ... this is gonna sound bad ... you make me feel bad because you're doing so well with your healthy lifestyle and I'm not doing so great'. She apologized several times hoping I wouldn't feel bad and trying to ensure I wasn't offended.

I wasn't offended in the way she worried I might be.

I was ashamed and saddened that she thought I was doing better than any one else in the realm of my 'healthy lifestyle'.

I felt like a fraud.

I know I talk lots on this blog about trying healthy this and working out, and my running efforts. Even about successes in these areas. I have written honestly about my struggles. I will admit that I do try and share successes more than struggles for both my well being and the well being of those who read.

I'm not trying to lie about anything or be false when I swing towards the successes rather than the disappointments (which honestly there are more of than the successes). When I write so much of it is my heart and I often project what I hope for, what I want. I try to celebrate when I win because they are so much more rare. I also know as a reader I would rather rejoice in a win than constantly be brought down by failure and pessimism.

I also believe that I ALWAYS have hope and potential to do better. I truly believe that someday I will learn how to live free from my emotional pull towards the abuse of food.

So I want to apologize if I've ever made anyone feel as though I felt I was better than them or anything of the sort. If anything I could go on all day long about my constant failure.

For example today I had a serious meltdown that involved a prolonged session with Mrs. Field's and a prescription she handed me. Needless to say this evening I am feeling the overwhelming regret of yet another loss. Another shortcoming.

I am currently continuing to wrestle things out, emotionally, mentally and physically with what I put in my body.

The amount of thought that I expend on what goes in my body is never ending. Right now I would bet thousands of thoughts a day surround my mind regarding my nutritional intake. Some positive and free, many negative and agitated.

Last year when I decided to 'eat clean' it changed my lifestyle. Slowly but surely old habits crept in and have caused the battle to rage on.

For the amount of time I was free it felt amazing and was real. I pursue freedom again.

Just to recap: freedom doesn't equal a certain number (either on the scale or around my waist, though it will evidence itself through those means if those numbers aren't healthy for me).

Freedom does equal more energy in my mind freed up to think about things other than 'doing well with food today'.
Freedom is going into a store and not feeling immediate anxiety over if I'll 'mess up' my day or not.
Freedom is being comfortable with my choices and knowing they are good.
Freedom is safety.
Freedom is really living within the limits without noticing they are even there.

I am far from perfect. But I still pursue perfect freedom.

I will get there because I won't give up.

And to my friend who I met in the grocery store: I know you'll worry about what I thought after - don't! It's all good.