Monday, April 18, 2011


I'm struggling.

I have practically invited another case of the 'Sads' to come live with me.

It relieves me a bit that after waking up this morning with clear symptoms that I realize I haven't had them in a great while. But when I do feel them, my mind immediately goes to Bee.

My mind has actually been on Bee a lot lately. I thought of her several times while we were in Thailand, wondering if there were any dreams she had that got left behind. I thought of how life just goes on even when someone we care about is gone. Physically or relationally. That's the way we were made. To cope.

Today I am thinking of Bee because I feel sad. Not just sad, but like stuck in a deep hole that I am anxious about getting out of, really hoping someone notices I'm here and helps me out, sad.

I sense the heavy feeling that permeates my mind and spirit. I don't like it at all.

I know I'll be ok because there is a reason why the 'Sads' were brought on. Kinda like when you aren't surprised you get a cold after you spend hours in close proximity to someone who has a terrible cold. I wasn't shocked when I woke up this morning with these fretful symptoms.

Heavy hearted, no desire to get out of bed (red flag for me as it's generally hard to keep me in there!), no care in the world about what Wally is doing or how he's feeling, zero care for the fact that my list is waiting with easy items to check off that I know usually gets me excited to complete it. I don't care to e-mail anyone, clean anything, workout in anyway, or even eat. The eating one is another huge flag.

I just want to get warm, snuggle in my chair, turn the lights off and read a book (yes reading in the dark seems a little difficult), with Sweet on my lap (as long as it doesn't take his 20 minutes to get comfortable).

Some might say 'Just do what will make you feel comfortable' but they don't understand that the Sads can often breed off of this hopeless feeling. The Sads (if the Sads is what you have) will burrow further into your heart, like a tick does to your skin, and attach themselves if you aren't careful. Before you know it your sad feeling day turns into utter hopelessness and fear of facing .... well, anything.

I take comfort in the fact that my case of the Sads didn't come out of nowhere this time. They popped up out of an unresolved 'discussion', one that may appear to be nothing but in reality is a pretty big deal affecting my/our entire future.

It's not unfixable but it is uncomfortable, vulnerable and an unwanted issue at an inconvenient time.

I wonder how Bee's Sads started? I wonder if they came very gradually or rather abruptly? I wonder if she felt these things?

I'm guessing that she did, at least to some degree. Probably to a much more serious degree.

I often think of Bee and her outcome. It shakes me to the core some times at the reality of how the Sads can turn into something that is out of anyone's control really. Like a plague of the mind, unwilling to be contained or understood.

It grieves me to no end that Bee didn't win her struggle. She was such an amazing woman, and the outcome of her circumstances doesn't change my belief of that, it just makes me more disappointed in the truth of how finite we humans are.

Bee is free now, I have to hold onto that.

I will be ok.