Monday, July 19, 2010

Finding the joy

Well, I'm finally back. Not that that is earth shattering news, I'm just sayin'.


I feel like there are a hundred and one things I could blog about today but to be honest there's only one thing on my mind and I am trying hard to fight off the urge to write about it but I'm not winning.

Someone hates me.

For some reason I thought I may be immune to being hated. I'm not sure why I think I'm so great that I couldn't possibly be hated but I have quickly realized I am most definitely not so great.

People generally respond with 'oh they don't hate you, don't be silly', however I am fairly certain I get the honour of being someone's hated.

When I first realized this I immediately did my best to apologize for my wrong doing (as I honestly saw my wrong doing - it did occur). It was unfortunately not exactly met with gushing 'oh I forgive you, I love you, let's dance in a field of daisies!' as I hoped. Instead the hating was only confirmed (along with a few others things).

Anyhow, I proceeded to cry my eyes out. And as I write this wonder how many times I myself have hurt someone to the point of them sobbing themselves to sleep. I am not so arrogant to think this is impossible as I am as human as the next and have my admittedly evil moments (unfortunately). It's now I send up a prayer of contrition hoping that I am forgiven for these past deeds and plead for help never to do it again. However I also know I have a lot of life to go and it may not be possible. I will do my best.

Sleep was lost, my heart confused and obviously hurt - yet not angry. I awoke to the day with a somber feeling. What to do? What to do?

I had no intention of wasting my day getting angry or feeling heart broken over something I can't really fix, other than what I do onward from my apology.

I can't fix how I am perceived. I can't fix if people don't like me (they have every right not to). And I can't fix their response.

The only thing I can fix is me, my attitude and how I move on.

As I contemplated yet again closing down my blog as it is seen as a self absorbed thing to do (obviously it is, I am writing solely about my life - how much more self absorbed can you get, other than expecting people to read it?).

I think of the fact that I pretty much purposefully stand in front of people naked, practically asking them to judge me in every way possible. Pouring out my biggest insecurities, sharing my deepest secrets, and thinking that I have a shred of thought worth absorbing.

Why do I write? Why do I ask people to see me in these ways? Why not quit?

#1 - I write because I get things out of my head, in turn I learn a great deal how to do better when I screw up (which is often), I get feed back from people that helps me realize my mistakes and am shown how to look at so many things from different perspectives. I connect with not only myself but have made much deeper relationships from unexpected people, people I never would have met this way if I didn't have a blog.

To sum it up: I'm selfish.

#2 - I have invited many to read, and I've been asked by many to read. I have given out my address carefully and thoughtfully putting a large amount of trust in those who peer in. My greatest desire is for people to see my humanity and to feel in some way connected to that. Often we feel alone in our feelings, we feel guilty about them and think we are terrible people. Instead I want to be honest about my faults (or maybe even my good points) and celebrate the fact that together we can learn and do better, and accept each other. If I died tomorrow I'd want people to know the real me, that in person takes a long time to get to. I guess this outlet is a bit of a short cut to my heart. No promises you'll love it, but the maps there if you want it.

To sum it up: I'm selfish

#3 - Now this number is a challenge I'm sure I'll wrestle with again and again. I'm going to continue to write for the above reasons and because I've been asked to keep writing by people, which makes me believe (and hope) I write for others too.

Ultimately though: I'm selfish.

Once I figured these things out I let go a little bit and went upon my day.

So, I met a new friend from work (that I connected with through my blog - kind of funny) at the gym to do some cardio.

We had never had much of a real conversation so I was excited to get to know her better. We hopped onto a couple of machines and chatted away for the whole hour. We shared a bit about our lives here and there and then she told me of her trip to Thai Thai a while back when I mentioned going next year. She was full of excitement when sharing and told me stories that sparked my joy.

By the time we were done our hour I was inspired to concentrate on the opposite I was feeling. Love.

I decided that the rest of the day would be dedicated to spreading the love. So I did (or at least I tried).

I sent off a few e-mails saying 'Hey, just wanted you to know I love you!' to people who will likely fall off of their chairs when they read it. Then I went to Wal-Mart and got some of Vivvie's pictures developed. I decided to get creative and make a photo collage for her with the highlights from the trip (it turned out great by the way!!). While I waited the hour for the photos I treated myself to a small chocolate milk, and my newly formed play list as I began to write some love notes.

I think I wrote maybe eight or nine. Some had a specific purpose, some were just to say 'You're great!'. By the end I was feeling ... joy.

Though I did not get through my 'to do' list for the day I did get something important accomplished.

I kicked out the hate and I welcomed in the love.

Does this make me perfect?
Clearly not.

Does this help me cope?

And sometimes that's all you need.

Finding the joy in today! (Hmmmmm ... sounds familiar eh?)
It really is simple.