Monday, February 28, 2011


Can I tell you a secret?

I've been blogging on my other blog for the past couple of weeks. If you don't remember, it's the one surrounding my body.

I didn't want to say anything because I didn't' want my writing to become dishonest or staged. I feel in a rhythm so I'm no longer afraid of this. (If you're interested, you'll find it under my profile).

I have so much to share right much.

But today has been focused on many, many things. Things I will soon share. Great things.

For now though I will take a minute to answer a reader's question from my last post asking if I would do the dress and the aisle again, if I had a choice looking back.

I love that question. I love the honesty in it.

It's a difficult one to answer in a way, but I will try.

Up until a few weeks ago I would have probably said this: yes I'd get married but maybe I'd wait. Maybe I'd try to live on my own first, travel a lot more, go to school and date around here and there. Hmmm ... even thinking about that makes me smile a little. The dreamyness of it all, the freedom, the memories I imagine having that are water coloured and smudged around the edges.

Somehow in my memories I have a different body shape. One that looks fabulous in faded jeans with a chunky brown leather belt. One that already has the flexability and strength I am striving for right now (both physically and in my personality).

In those memories I've had the perfect loft apartment with hardwood floors a cushy couch and light white curtains over tall bright windows. I feel confident in all of the decisions I have made and ready for when the right man comes along.

It's now I give myself a shake and realize I'm living in a fantasy world. That though waiting to get married could have offered me a different life, it would not necessarily have been a better life than I have now. Who really knows?

I'm not sure if the reader was asking if I would do over the wedding or the marriage, but I can answer both.

As for the marriage. It's only been in the past few weeks, maybe even days that I can say with complete honesty that I am glad and thankful for my marriage, even in it's early arrival into my life. This is the first time I can say that I dont' regret marrying young, or not living on my own, or dating other people, or going to school.

It's taken all of the nearly ten years of marriage for me to come to this place. Probably because it's taken that long for Wally and I to become what I always hoped to be. That being said we still have a long, long way to go. And I know that's not guaranteed.

I may write more about this topic later.

As for the wedding....

I would definitely have a wedding. I believe in what it stands for, in what the meaning is. It has religious ties that I also am grounded in.

I'm not sure if I care much for the lawful end of marriage. Meaning, to me marriage is committing to one person for the rest of your life, under the grounds that you are both pursuing to respect and encourage growth in one another.

In our culture though, people are hardly capable of standing by their word and thus probably at some point needed a lawful binding thus turning many marriages into mere contracts. I don't know many people that could stick out a relationship, committed to another person until death without a piece of paper.

I will fully admit, I'm one of those people. The legal contract has saved me from running on more than one occasion. Yet ultimately I am here now of my own choosing and am thankful for anything that has kept me here to enjoy the benefits of the hard times.

I strayed, I was talking about the wedding...

The wedding Wally and I had nearly ten years ago was perfect for us for that time. It was full of meaning and love. It was us.

However now, knowing what I know, I would do somethings differently.

I would have only a few people. A fraction of the 165 that attended the one we had.

I would wear a dress I felt 100% beautiful in.

I would think harder about what I wanted for pictures. (Our pictures were good but I hardly thought about the simple moments that would be nice to capture).

I would have the food we had at our big party last year. Buns and meat with cold appetizers that are yummy and fun! (Which means party mix is a must!)

I would have both of my parents walk me down the aisle and still have my brother up there crying his eyes out as he did at my original wedding.

I'd dance, dance, dance.

The weather would be perfect.

I'd have a big flower in my hair. My hair would be short because that's how it best suits me. I'd be ok with that.

I would've already experienced the worst with Wally and would look forward only to the best. (Ok so I'm off in fairy land here but, it's my dream).

Wally and I have talked about renewing our vows. This would have been our year (tehnically) to do it. On March 24th it will be our diamond anniversary. We will be in Thailand. This means everything to me.

I would love to renew our vows. New ones that fit us now and what we know.

How cool would that be? To renew our vows in Thailand? (Minus the fancy and plus the love).

Maybe that's something to think about.

Well, enough dreamin' I've gotta run!

By the way,

Wally ...

I love you.

Today I have been faithful to you.

Eva :)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Love & Marriage

....goes together like a horse and carriage.

Well that's what the song says anyways. I'm not so sure all of the time.

Putting on a white fancy dress and walking down an aisle surrounded by a couple hundred people doesn't make love any stronger or more real than it did before the dress and the aisle. That is, of course, in my opinion.

The dress and the aisle just 'seal the deal' in this culture.

When I think about it, I kinda wonder why the dress, the aisle and the party don't happen AFTER a couple has been monogamous for a life time.

It could be because no one knows how long that will be, seeing as time of death is so uncertain, it could be because no one would ever commit to being with one person forever without the enticing party and gifts paired with the young love they are feeling. Or it could be because maybe the whole idea is to commit now and grow as you go.

Geez, I don't know.

I do know that the dress and the aisle are, in my opinion, the easiest part of marriage.

Several months ago I remember hearing a couple that had been married for 40 plus years arguing over something. The 'something' seemed to have been a challenge over the years, a tedious argument really. The wife turned to me and said something like 'After 41 years of marriage he still doesn't pick up after himself'.

There were a few things that went through my mind at that point...

First: 'Wow, forty years of clutter! How are you still married?!'
Second: 'Wow, how frustrating that he didn't choose to change for you. Doesn't he know how much that would mean to you?'
Third: 'Wow, you'd think by now you would've realized to let go of the issue, he's not gonna change.'
Finally: 'Uh, oh. What does that mean for Wally and I?'

I leave a trail of clothes where ever I go. Coats, mitts, pjs, socks, underwear, anything that I wear can be found any where in our house. (No chance of hiding from anyone).

He piles his clothes. On my dresser. Until there's a mountain that a small child could climb as it's life's ambition.

I NEVER close tupperware lids properly.

He doesn't generally notice when the kitchen garbage lid is raised and ready to overflow, that it's time to change it.

We'll see if these little things continue to drive eachother crazy for the rest of our lives I guess.

Then there are the big things....

Like: communication, fidelity, understanding, care, life's ambitions.


These are the things that, in my experience, come up less often yet when they do they are BIG and the events surrounding are BIG. How we handle these things, (which incidentally may show through greatly through how we end up handling the small things) defines where are marriage takes us.

The other day we had a large 'discussion'. There was much lead up to this 'discussion', much unacknowledged anticipation (no doubt on both sides) that it would eventually have to come but I'm pretty sure both of us were hoping the other would miraculously see the other's point of view and wave a white flag.

No white flag was anywhere to be seen.

Sure enough I felt so frustrated and cornered that decided silence was that best option. That way I wouldn't say anything regrettable, I would give myself time to think about my next plan of action, and at the same time I would portray that I was completely under control and somewhat calm. (Though that was the furthest thing from the truth).

My intention for silence actually was never to torture Wally. It really was for he above reasons. Little did I know that after only a few minutes he would crack and plead for me to fight with him as he knew the issue was so incredibly important to me.

Have you ever sensed that point in the argument where you've realized no one's going to win? When what you thought was, wasn't and you knew that you had to accept it, cry about it, be mad about it, then cry about it some more?

Well, that's where I was at this point in our 'discussion'. I knew that we'd both lost. That I, for sure, would have to accept that the hopefulness for what I wanted would need to be let go of and it was time to concede to less than my ideal of situations.

Basically, I wasn't going to get what I wanted.

When I put it that way my actions of weeping, lying in the fetal position in bed, and the frustration that is still hold onto in my soul, all seem a little dramatic. However, those are actions I needed to take in order not to yell, throw things, and decide to book a one way ticket to Thailand.

Marriage is so hard sometimes.

As I look back on my post 'discussion' time I actually feel in my spirit, even now, how my rough edges were and are being worked off. How somehow this experience will shape me in my marriage and prepare me to (hopefully) do better in our next 'discussion'. (Which I really hope isn't in an airport because I may get taken to a padded room if I drop into the fetal position in front of a crowd).

One hopes and prays never to run into a 'discussion' that leads to a necessary parting of ways, or the throwing of a well aimed frying pan or knife.

Though this 'discussion' forced me to have to give up on my ideal for a certain situation, it didn't cause me to give up on my marriage. I'd rather grieve my ideal than my marriage. (Although while in the moment it's often very hard to see the grander picture being more important than the one your currently looking straight at).

For the record, just in case I unintentionally portrayed things to make me look better than Wally, we are equally being worked on and neither were any more at fault than the other.

I won't lie, things are still very fresh and the rubbings of the rough edges still sting, it's REALLY hard to let go of what I think is right compared to what is actually right for BOTH of us.

It's been nearly 10 years, and though the 'discussions' have evolved and changed in many ways, the fact that they are there has not. There will always be something to 'pick up'. Might as well accept that now...

The dress and the aisle .... *shakes head*

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Be where you are

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my fake fireplace is burning.

Life is good.

The first thing that comes to mind after saying these things is Bee and her family, then other people I know who are sick, then money scares, then relational issues, and on and on it goes until guilt creeps in and totally steals my non existent bird singing moment (it's winter in Canada, you had to know I made that up).

Hmmmmm .... I'm deciding to just enjoy the feeling I'm having right now with just the birds, the sun and the fireplace. Life hits me the rest of the day so I will deal with it when it comes.

This actually kind of reminds me of something.

One of my very closest friends, the one who surprised me at our party last April, who lives in a land far far away, her husband just got deployed to Afghanistan.

He's a doctor with the Air force (in a land far, far away, now even further away).

Anyhow, they have a 4 yr old and a 2 year old. For 7 months my friend's husband will be gone leaving her to parent and live on her own, far from family yet surrounded by friends.

It's especially at times like this that I so wish we lived close by. (Although I do plan on visiting this summer upon her request and my excitement).

Anyways, if you were to peer at her facebook page the day of and the day after he left you would've thought her husband was seriously injured or even dead. The kicker is it wasn't her who was making the huge deal out of it - it was everyone else!

Of course I think it's great that everyone was thinking of her and expressing well wishes, I did so myself. However, it was getting to the point where many of the messages were of the condolence persuasion. So much so Her husbands step brother actually had to ask if everything was ok.

After talking with my friend on the phone the past couple of nights I am so glad to hear they are doing well. I mentioned to her my annoyance and am fortunate she understood my point. She had shared with me that she had yet to feel or have the dramatic fall on the floor in tears, her life is over, spell.

I reminded her that maybe she should save that moment for when it is necessary. If, that is, she could even control it.

Though I'm so glad my friend has had so many well wishes during the departure of her husband I do hope people remember her a month from now when her 4 year old and 2 year old are fighting like arch enemies over what movie they want to watch or game they want to play with and it hits her 'I have to do this on my own for 6 more months. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!' That's when she's going to need comfort.

Obviously I realize that I'm being super picky over when and how people share their encouragement, it's really non of my business. I know that over encouragement is better than none and people have well meaning hearts and that is really what I should focus on.

I guess I was just worried in a way that people would induce grief that wasn't ripe, that wasn't needed at this time. Right now my friend needs to focus on her children, herself and keeping her marriage going while miles and oceans apart. She doesn't need 'hang in there' she's only begun! 'Hang in there' is more appropriate for near the end I think.

When I trained with Dee I had loads of energy at the beginning of my workout. If someone said something that implied I only needed to get by when I knew I could do more than that I would be irritated. I may even doubt how good I felt and then lose confidence. It's when my energy was totally sapped that I would require a 'hold on'.

I don't know. I feel as though I'm venting about someone else's problem. Probably cause I am. Oh well.

Somewhere in there my point was to be where you're at. Don't worry too early or you may bring on early labour pains. We need to enjoy the good, guilt free. because soon enough we'll be challenged and maybe if we've basked in the good long enough and absorbed it properly we'll be able to carry on even better through whatever experience that finds us.

Life is good. I'm gonna let it stay that way. At least for a little while.


Friday, February 18, 2011

Thirty One and FUN!!!

Clearly I am a 31 year old without kids as I was up at 5:15am with excitement. I'm not exactly sure why I still get like this, maybe it's because I'm a kid at heart. Maybe it's because I'm not tired enough. For whatever reason, I am up and truly appreciating that I am still alive to celebrate another great day!

I am the perpetual birthday celebrator. As you may remember last year I turned thirty but didn't have any party at the time to enjoy. Probably because my priorities were out of whack and I had instead decided to work 22 of the 24 hrs on my birthday.

I then decided to have a little party in June. Only 2 other people thought this was a great idea. We had so much fun anyways. I'll never forget that night getting kicked out of a lingerie store (apparently you're not supposed to take pictures inside them), having girly drinks and appetizers watching the rain pour down like crazy, then eating the best ice cream cake ever. It was grand with even grander people to share it with.

I often get flack from all over about how incredibly self absorbed I am in these regards. I have no problem what-so-ever agreeing with this observation.

It's true I am completely self absorbed. Who isn't that throws their own party to celebrate themselves? Duh.

However, I'm ok with this because I know that by being excited about myself I can be excited about other people (not that I do this perfectly but I try to be aware). I like to consider myself someone that gets excited and displays it fairly openly, so when other people have exciting news I can be someone that has the 'party' with them. Even though it may not literally be a party, hopefully they can feel even more joy from whatever it is they are happy about because someone else is happy too.

I'm not above screaming or shouting with joy. Hitting them on the back (or anywhere else), grabbing their shirt and saying 'Holy crap that's GREAT!!'. Essentially I guess I assault them with excitement. I try anyways. This is something I want to do more of, well, for those who can take it.

I also remember many a birthdays coming and going and I felt so sad when my 'big day' was over. It felt like something didn't live up to the hoopla that was supposed to be. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself because 'nobody remembered'. (I have to say though, facebook really helps with this now).

I decided one day I was tired of relying on the mood of others to give me what I so much wanted - love, joy, and excitement that I was around. When I realized that no matter how much I wanted to will them to be as excited as I was about me being around I couldn't. I had to let go of that expectation and just be excited for myself.

Now, at 31 years of age, I am the person that is over the top excited to get a year older. (Who am I kidding? I am excited to get a day older!) I am someone who will never be afraid to throw their own party (although obviously it's way better if someone else does it for you, I don't want to die disappointed that no one cared enough to do so). I will enjoy myself, myself. There's not time to be wasted on pity.

As I say all of these very conceited and selfish things that will no doubt give fuel to the fire for those who aren't my fans already. I must acknowledge that I would like this year to work on doing better celebrating others.

I think I've been working up to this. Surely it must be true that to honestly be excited about someone else and their life you must first be able to appreciate your own. OR. Maybe that's just what I tell myself to feel better.

Either way I hope to have some great times of enjoying those I love and honouring them in someway or another throughout the year. I already know of one person in particular I'd like to celebrate. I'm looking forward to their party (which isn't a birthday party per se). Actually I can think of two gatherings already.

Hmmmmmm .... I guess I am saying this will be the year of celebrating others! How exciting, this should be fun! (And it totally falls in line with my new number: 31 and FUN!!)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Realizations ...

I'm been figuring a few things out lately. Well, sort of.

* Several times in the past few months when I've realized that I've misplaced something the first thought that I have is: 'Where's the beeper button so that I can find it?' (You know like the buttons on the base of a portable phone that make the phone beep so you can find it - I think EVERYTHING should have a system like that!)

* When I got home from work I used the washroom and noted the pjs and underwear of mine lying on the bathroom floor and I thought 'I'd better pick those up before my 'Clean Eating Students' get here. Then I walked downstairs and put something away in the bathroom down there and found another pair of underwear on the floor there. I was later in my room to put something away and saw another stray pair. I thought to myself 'Wow if a stranger saw this they'd either think I had a very fun ... intimate life or an incontinence problem'.

* More and more as new people at work seem to be diagnosed with terminal illnesses I am reminded over and over the lesson of not waiting to live out your joy. I am really frustrated that it's taking me so long to trust enough to live this out with faith. I hope I don't run out of time.

* Wally is obsessed with leaving lights on throughout the house during the night. I'm obsessed with staying in the shower until there's no more hot water. I think it's funny that our parents used to go on and on about someday when we have to pay for hydro and hot water we'll be more aware, but it doesn't phase us.

* While at work today a 2 1/2 year old little girl saw the little green squishy thingamajig in my purse and dove to get it out and play with it. I nearly tackled her to the ground before she could get to it because it is MY little green squishy thingamajig! I was successful, she was mad. I am clearly already deeply attached to the little guy. (Perhaps because I know it drives Wally nuts when I bounce it continually off of my hand a hundred times a minute).

* I am tired.

* I am selfish

* I don't care too much.

* I want so badly to sit for a day at home and be cozy and comfortable and really think about what I want out of life and how I want to give back and then figure out how to achieve some of my personal goals. Whenever I have time I feel overwhelmed at the task of organizing and understanding my thoughts so I avoid it. Hmmmmm, how could I make this fun?

* No matter what a person has they always want more (at least this is true for me!)

* Laughing makes everything better - that's why I'm excited tomorrow to be: Thirty one and FUN!!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A trip to heaven (A.K.A. the dollar store)

I was at the dollar store yesterday with someone I was supporting. She's only allowed to 'window shop' with all but one of her staff. We had some time to kill so we 'window shopped for quite sometime ... in the dollar store.

The dollar store is an amazing place. It has EVERYTHING that you could ever want.

Seeing as we had more time than we really needed (I wish I felt that I had that problem), we went down every single aisle. It was wonderful.

I tried to spy every little trinket and item there was. I picked up something every once in a while. Sometimes to figure out what exactly it was and other times just to get the feeling that I was going to buy something (sometimes I pick something up and walk around with it as if I'm going to buy it and then just put it back at the end - just cause I like the feeling of having something).

HAlf way through our time there I spotted a mini tupperware container with a mini ice cream swirly cone, vanilla dipped and strawberry dipped donuts and a mini slice of vanilla, chocolate cake with 2 strawberries on top. They were all so cute! I held it in my hand for a moment then reprimanded myself for even thinking about using my debit card for a $1 purchase of mini treat erasers and then I put it down.

I continued on my trip around the store and saw school teacher encouragement stickers (I mean, for the students). They were like 'Way to go!' 'A+' 'Great Effort' (who ever wants that one?) and 'Excellent'. They looked like they were sketched by a kid, very cute as well.

I thought about how Glo told me once that she uses a chart with reinforcement stickers on it to help her eat well and exercise. She uses hearts for when she exercises and little farm animals for when she eats right (yes she's cute too).

I thought to myself 'Maybe I need a reinforcement calender to help me do better in those areas. Maybe I need these stickers.' So I picked them up and held them while I walked on.

Next I came to one of my new favourite inventions: dry erase markers.

I LOVE these!!!!

A few weeks ago I asked Wally for one and decided they'd be great fun to keep in our not yet decorated main bathroom to draw on the mirror with. I've since decided it's the best idea I'd had in years.

Yes I realize probably someone else has thought of this a dozen times over but it's a first thought for me. We've since added a couple of extra markers and have enjoyed getting notes from our guests that visit the loo.

Beside the markers was an actual white board. Hmmmmm .... I thought. Maybe I should buy one of those - it is only a dollar (actually 2 - inflation sucks).

I picked up the white board feeling for some reason that this 8 1/2 by 11 piece of material would somehow change my life significantly and off I went to now feel justified in buying the mini eraser set that was too cute to leave behind. (I also grabbed a weird squishy bright green spiky thingamajig that I've wanted to get for years but would never justify, just because he's silly and fun).

I'm sitting beside my empty white board and new markers with handy erasers on the ends. I have my stickers all ready for me to do something worth the words 'Great Job!'.

I have the tools.

Now I just need to do something with them.

Isn't that often the challenge. You think 'If only I had ___________, I'd be able to do great things, or accomplish my goal' If only.

I think more often than not we have everything we need we just aren't sure how to get started.

I feel that way right now.

Ya know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna play with the silly green thingamajig and write something barely profound on my white board in hopes that inspiration strikes.

Or at least something funny. I do like a laugh.

Moral of the story: go to the dollar store and buy 5 things for no reason that make you happy. Maybe it's farting putting, or green goo. Maybe it's the cigarette smoke sucker that you've wondered if it really worked (even though you don't smoke). Perhaps you just want a place mat with the human skeleton on it to learn all the fancy names of bones.

Whatever it is... splurg. It's only a dollar (or two depending on how badly that dollar store has been hit by the economy).

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Our version of 'Tuesday's with Morrie'

Yesterday something cool happened.

It was one of those things that you always want to happen but never seems to make it's way in this crazy busy often stuff is more important than people type world.

I was trying to take some time to relax a bit between shifts (as I had not slept all that well the night before). I was checking some e-mail, watching some home improvement shows, having near naps interrupted by telemarketers when something struck me from seemingly out of nowhere.

Let me give you some background....

I have a friend I've written about before, Glo. I admire her, look up to her, enjoy her presence and her outlook on life. She, without even trying to, challenges me to live out my life better than I would on my own. I very much appreciate who she is and that I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Glo, as I've mentioned, is leaving in July to go to Holland for a year to do nannying. She has always wanted to travel through Europe and figured this was a great way to do it thriftily.

Yesterday I was thinking about how much I would miss having her around. She has gone to yoga with me for the first time (actually 2 first times), let me torture her with a strength training session, done an hour of cardio while chatting non stop. She came over to keep me company one night when I needed to do some painting but knew unless I had great incentive I would put it off.

She's the kind of friend that while come for coffee when I just need to share a 'bright idea' with someone or when I need help or encouragement with a ridiculous goal (like 'I should raise $10 000 for an organization no one knows about around here') she's there to give.

As I pondered her future absence I got thinking about the fact that she would be gone for a year and knowing what I know about how life works when you 'go to try something out' it could turn into more.

I began to get sad when the idea that Glo may not come back to settle here again (who know she might but I'm trying to entertain any possibility), not only that but even if she did my life may not ever lend itself again to such openess and availability to just hang out any time again. A year from now could look very different for me too.

Though I'd like to think that no matter what, this friendship will be what it is right now. However the truth is: life changes, circumstances change and it is pretty much a guarantee that a year from now it won't be the same (whether for the good or otherwise).

I know this is starting to sound like I prepping to say 'good bye', 'farewell', 'it was nice to know you!' I'm not. Actually quite the opposite.

As I got pondering on the couch about what to do with the next 5 months of 'now' we have I thought 'Why not make a long standing date with Glo? See if she'd like to prioritize making time together while we can and really grow what we have'. Of course there was always a chance that perhaps she didn't want to commit to 'Thursdays with Eva' but then again maybe she would.

Onto facebook I went and wrote an e-mail explaining what I was thinking and feeling about the situation and without over thinking it off I sent it. I made sure there was the all important 'out' included just so that she wouldn't feel bad to say 'uh .... yeah I don't think so' if she felt it necessary. It's always a bit scary to put yourself out there but sometimes you just gotta.

Sure enough within a couple of hours I got my answer ....

Not only did Glo think it was a great idea but she had also been thinking about asking for the same commitment over the next few months! She also added in that she'd kept a note I'd given her after one of our first times hanging out and read it when she was sad. The funny part is I do the same with one she gave me.

It's funny, I realize this sounds like a mini love story with hearts and arrows popping up here and there, only of course this is in the realm of friendship. I'm ok with it though.

Sometimes in life you are given the right person at the right time in your life. I am beyond spoiled as I feel as though I have the right PEOPLE in my life at the right time. There are a few I am lucky enough to feel admiration over.

What I am even more excited about is that both Glo and I have realized the time sensitivity and rarity of what we are currently sharing in friendship and are willing to make the time to keep it growing. THAT is also such a huge gift!

Though I am sad that things will change and Glo won't be able to physically be the same kind of friend, I am anticipating building a great foundation for perhaps the next phase of our relationship that has potential to be deeper and more profound than the one we share right now. I know this is possible as I've experienced (at least in one relationship) a depth of friendship that I know would be impossible without that friend moving across both of our countries.

I look forward to learning a lot and enjoying the company of another wonderful person in my life.

I am blessed.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Heart Day


Be loved.

Show it.

See it.

Feel it.

We never have enough days on earth to adequately learn how to do this properly (in my opinion).

So ....

Let's just keep trying.

I'm always into learning, do you know of a person, story or a book by/of someone that displays this well? (Other than the Bible). Share it with me.

Happy Heart Day!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Clear the air ....

To answer a great question for a blog reader who may be newer to reading about our Thai Thai adventures.
The question was asked 'Will you still go if you don't reach your $10 000 goal?'

To which I have to answer: YES!!

My $10 000 goal is not actually related to our trip directly.

I decided early on that since Wally and I would be paying for the trip out of our pockets that when people asked about our trip we could share info about Compasio and offer an outlet for them to give if they wanted (and there have been many who have asked).

I figured since many people raise money to go on mission trips like this we could sort of do the same idea only all of the money raised would go directly towards Compasio's needs rather than our trip.

I also had wanted to develop a relationship with Compasio and a deeper connection with them before coming for a rather short (in the grand scheme of things)trip. I want this trip to be a stop in the road of hopefully a long relationship with a great organization. One that maybe someday we can share with our children too.

I also knew beyond a doubt last fall when I set the $10 000 goal that it wouldn't be met before going on our trip and that has never really been a factor. My goal was to have it raised by the end of June however it may be extended to the fall as our biggest fundraiser will be then.

We have several things coming up this spring and it should be great! In the mean time I am getting really excited for this step in our journey with Compasio and actually getting to meet the workers, volunteers and children there. No doubt it will give me a 'shot in the arm'(or heart) for my personal fund raising efforts on their behalf.

I hope this explains things a bit better. We've had many questions and no doubt it can get confusing.


My Thai

So it was 4:45am and I was so in need of going back to sleep but my lover was calling me.

The lover: my writing.

Yeah I know, my writing's not THAT special but it fills me in a strange way that nothing else will.

On my mind as of late: My Thai.

I don't think I mentioned that Wally and I are potentially going next month. This just came about over this week really and I'm not sure exactly how I coerced him into being ok with it. But I did and now we just wait upon the arrival of his passport before booking our flights.

We may even be celebrating our 10th anniversary while over there. Two wonderful dreams come true to enjoy at once for me. Words can't tell you what that feels like.

Along with the reality of this long awaited trip finally coming to fruition are the nerves, the arguments birthed from our very different personalities over traveling, and the truth of experiencing a lifelong dream.

Lastnight upon thinking about the very, very long trip Wally had a mini panic attack. He began shooting a million questions at me about getting there, even dragging me downstairs to the computer to see the distance of where our plane will land compared to how far away it will be from where we will eventually need to be.

'That's a long way Eva!' 'How are we gonna get there?!' 'We've never traveling anywhere?!' 'We're gonna die!' 'We don't know how to take a bus there!' 'We don't speak Thai!'

He google mapped out the driving directions from the airport to where we're going (from Bangkok to Mai Sot) and was overwhelmed by the 7 hour drive. I don't blame him, it's essentially and completely out of our element. Not a great cocktail for our travel virginity nor what will be two very tired and irritable people by that time.

All I could say was 'It'll be an adventure!' 'We'll figure it out as we go' 'I'm scared too but there's nothing we can do about it now' 'Ok yes I promise to talk to A-bag about the how's right away'. At which point I think I sat down and wrote an immediate please for help from my well traveled friend who happens to be in Thai Thai as we speak.

Wally has every right to be worried. It's probably good that he is a bit, seeing as I often wait til the last minute to worry and then it's a bad scene.

Admittedly I am worried about our trip too. But my worries are very different...

I am worried I will get there and not feel anything.

I'm worried I'll see the children and not feel justified in loving them.

I worry that the stench of the dump will cause me to vomit and want to go home.

I am worried that the heat that I can't stand will make me smell and they'll make me live down the street.

I worry my heart is so out of touch with spiritual things that I will be annoyed by others that are obviously in love with their God enough to be living examples of Him in every way.

My worries are a bit different.

What if I'm not enough? What if I hate it? What if I don't get anything out of it? Worse yet, what if they don't get anything out of me? (Although the intention is for me to help I know beyond a doubt my intentions are more selfish and I want them to change me).

I just wonder ... what will this trip be like?

With the business of life I feel like it could be happening so much faster than we thought and maybe we'll miss something.

Excuse me while I send up a prayer ...


It's with ah humble heart I ask, even beg, you to prepare Wally and I for this experience. Soften our hearts and ready us for what we will encounter (as much as we should be or can be). Change us in some way for the betterment of all. Bring us closer together. If there's a way for you to connect us deeper with these people as so many people are, do. Make us to be fresh air to those we will be working beside and perhaps a blessing in some way. Create something wonderful out of our very flawed selves. Equip us to do wonderful things with what we learn when we come home.

One more thing .... help me not to steal any babies. I've heard prison is no fun.

Thanks. I'm super flawed (as you know) but ever thankful for the grace that is given to experience anything good in this world.

And, even though I don't say it much, I think you are great.

Talk to you later gator *smiles*

Your kiddo,


P.S. Sorry about swearing, having a short temper and throwing things when I'm impatient. Thanks for helping me not do this at work ;)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Adventure Awaits

I was chatting with a new soon to be friend today and was sharing with her about my little retreat last summer. I began to reminisce...

I was thinking of what it was like to go away and be completely alone at a bed and breakfast with myself for two days and two nights.

*closes eyes*

*takes a breath*

It was amazing.

For the first time doing something new was not scary. I was not bored without television or the internet, in fact it was fabulous.

I loved being secluded in my room apart from pretty much everything. Swimming in a sea of bed coverings, enjoying the beautiful red roses I took with me from my graduation the day before (yes I put 12 individual water thingies on the ends and took them too!).

I read. I watched movies. I walked. I admired nature. I listened to music. And God. I found out that I was already a mother within.

It was magical really.

I have to say that I was sorta wishin' I could go back to what seemed like an incredible place.

Wow. Memories are amazing.

You know what is frustrating? We live for these experiences. We wait through the troubles of life all year for a couple of days of reflection and relaxation.

We trudge through the mud of the 'every day' often unhappy and discontented so that for a bundle of hours we can breathe without fears of being interrupted, of needing an inhaler, or of being knocked off of our feet by someone we come across.

It saddens me when we live like this because we really only get one life on this earth. And though this earth isn't really the climax of our on going lives it is a gift full of sensations to experience. Why so often do we settle for less?

I'm guessing it's because of the unknown, because of the fear that grips us, because of the comfort we want to feel.

I think of selling our house for us to go back to school and how scary it looked but also how exciting it felt. We were on an adventure. We honestly didn't know what was at the end of it for us. To be honest .... we still don't. I love this.

What I don't love is falling into ordinary life in a way that seems to cloud my vigor for the world I've been given to live in.

I want always to keep my senses alive to the possibilities around me. I am so blessed to have 'livers' (not the organs) all around me. People who step out of the ordinary and into the extraordinary.

I have a friend Glo, she just recently decided to not go back to school in the fall to do her Masters but rather go to Holland for a year to be a nanny. She's so excited!!!

Someone else I look up to is my friend Chi Chi. She graduated from the same program as myself over 8 years ago and after pouring her heart and soul into her work (and being the best support worker I know) have decided to return to school full time this fall to pursue horticulture - her true passion.

I also have another admirable friend who has lived in Taiwan teaching English as a second language for the past couple of years and plans to return to Canada to study law a newly discovered love.

There's also my priest friend that sort of got thrown (gently) out of the country he was serving the poor (in money) and is now spending a year going where ever the Spirit leads while his paper work is figured out. What an adventure!

Though my life doesn't burst with the appearance of excitement I do look at it as such. I will get to have a brief and undoubtedly life changing visit to a country my heart melted over the second I saw pictures of it. This is small but wonderful for me.


Perhaps I ought to consider ways I can add more excitement to my life (a smile is developing). Something that I will remember and be changed by like my original 40 Day adventure.

I am so flawed. So imperfect. So ordinary.

But, I am me and the only one there is.

I shall find adventure in whatever way I can. For I believe, it is out there waiting for us


I'm a Twit

I clearly don't have enough to do in my life.

I just started a Twitter account.

I know crazy eh?

I think I'm at the epitome of my narcissism. I'm at peace with it though.

I opened it as Eva, Queenoftowels. It makes me laugh a little.

I think it may be in efforts to get my blog out there. I'm not so sure as to why since I'd made it slightly anonymous. (Well, very slightly).

Part of me really wants to get rid of the veil and just write everything from my heart and not be ashamed or worried about the possible outcomes that may arise. But, I've been reminded by those from many different areas of my life that having my thoughts for the world to read may not be a great idea as I cannot control how they perceive what I write and can easily take things out of context.

Oh well.

I went to a little writing seminar on Saturday teaching how to write the story of your life or those of others. The entire topic is of great interest to be as that's pretty much all I blog about. My experiences and the experiences I share with others and sometimes their own experiences.

I love doing this.

I learned a few key tricks and pointers on how I should be writing and that I am doing many things 'right' already. This made me very happy to hear.

I learned that I often write personal essays (a short story with a greater amount of time dedicated to reflection on the story).

I learned that I should be funny, likable, not bitter (ha ha) and that I should break the rules of grammar when appropriate. (Funny, no mention of breaking the rules when it's not appropriate, I'm good at that!).

I would love to write a book or two someday. To take the posts that I've already written and somehow thread them together into a book. There are also people's stories I'd like to hear more about and be able to share with others who may not normally get to hear them.

Writing excites me. Being heard excites me. That's probably why I like posting facebook status' and now Twitterness.

Actually, Wally told me to tweet. He thought I should get a phone with internet access and tweet all day long. He thinks it'd be entertaining. I have no doubt.

I'm not getting a phone with internet access unless someone buys it for me and pays the monthly bill. In that case I would do it.

I was told Saturday that when I write I should write. Period. With no worries in mind about who's reading or how things may come out to offend. I'm guessing the best work is from within.

I was also told that you should put aside a certain amount of time everyday to write, because that's how books are written.

This got me thinking....

Often I write when I have something on my mind. I wait until the 'spirit' hits me.

I wonder what would come out if I determined to always write. Everyday.

I may try it. I think it could be interesting. And not. But, that's ok.

Sometimes I get frustrated because there's so much in my head waiting to be written I feel like I just might not make it to the computer in time. It's like mental diarrhea ( holy crap I spelled that right the first time!!).

Yesterday I didn't make it to a computer in time and I lost it all. I was so sad. I'm sure it was good. Ok so maybe it wasn't really any good but it would've felt great to get it off my mind ... whatever it was.

So maybe I will try and write everyday. Maybe it'd be fun. I'm not sure how much time I should carve out. The dude that was tell us to do this wrote for 2 hrs a day. Yeah, trust me, you don't want me to do that. Maybe I'll start with a half hour and then on days that I have more time an hour. We'll see.

If you're a twit find me on twitter: queenoftowels

We'll see how this goes....

Monday, February 7, 2011

Non sense

Somedays I blog.

I blog and blog.

Only problem is: it's all in my head.

I blogged a great post today, actually two.

One random one about showering and the other about the writing seminar I attended on the weekend.

They were good posts.

In fact so good someone read them and got in touch with me asking if I'd write in their newspaper. Every week!

They even promised to glue glitter around my name, on the paper.

'Wow!' I thought 'That'd be amazing! Of course I'll do it!'

(I mean between you and me who gets glitter around their name on the newspaper? Yeah, that's right, no one).

Don't worry I'm going to keep blogging even with my imaginary newspaper glitterdom. I mean I don't want to abandon my humble beginnings and all.

Hope to return soon.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Once again this is where I find myself. In the midst of several different pulls in different directions. I know where I should go. I know what I could do to make things better. Yet ... I struggle deeply to do it.

I was thinking back yesterday on my original '40 day Adventure'. I was reminded why I had decided to embark on it (if you are new to reading my blog go back to July '09 somewhere and you can read about it - sorry, I still don't know how to link things and stuff. I'm a work in progress).

I had originally set out to do my life changing little experiment because I was tired of eating being my primary method of entertainment.

If I was happy, I would eat.

If I was sad, I would eat.

If I was bored, I would eat.

If I was scared, I would eat.

If I was _________________ (insert anything), I would eat.

Therefore one night I got sick and tired of my only real hobby: eating, that left me feeling ill, bloated, lazy, lacking self confidence to try new things, depressed and without a desire to do anything else.

I had decided to hopefully stem this fixation by forcing myself to use my other senses to experience life in different ways that might bring me joy, discovery, fulfillment and growth. Then I started my list.

My list went from taking the bus downtown (something I'd never done), to showing my appreciation for Bill the door man with some muffins (something I'd always wanted to do). I forced myself to be uncomfortable by trying on and purchasing some less than modest lingerie (not once but three times - as it took me that long to find anything suitable, it was torture), along with my first bikini (that will never be worn), and a fashionable purse (now I am a potential addict). I even challenged myself to expand (what seemed to be) my most used sense of all by only ordering strange-to-me food every time I visited a restaurant.

I completed tasks I'd been avoiding, like washing the windows, making a birthday gift, and getting my passport and realized how little time it takes to get a nagging task off of your shoulders. Don't wait! Do it now!

I pushed myself to give those I wasn't too sure of a chance to win my heart by inviting them out for coffee. In the process I learned that still waters run deep and I need to be more understanding of where people are coming from.

I made a priority of reigniting an old relationships and remembered why it had developed in the first place. Along with this, I had breakfast and lunch with both my brother and sister in law, something I really never do. I learned that relationships take effort on both parts but all it often takes is a phone call.

I, after many years of avoiding it, asked someone a very important question that I was not entirely prepared to hear the answer to. I was able to process the information carefully during a 'safe' time in my life rather than caught off guard later when perhaps life could be more turbulent.

I opened my mind to another faith and went to a Catholic Mass (something I'd love to do again). I reread a popular book of the Bible (John) after having not read it in years - amazing how differently you can see something after years have altered your perspective. It was beautiful.

I separated myself from media for a time, and also enjoyed nature's beauty for free. Wally and I had over potential couple friends we barely knew and loved them (only to find out that they were moving in a couple of months). I had coffee with a co worker whom I bonded with instantly, then shared a pedicure with later, as it was also on the 'list'.

One of my favourites had to have been 'invite 5 girlfriends out for a night on the town' paired with 'try a shot of Tequila'. It was such a fun night full of laughter and bonding. The cool part was they were girlfriends from all different areas of my life but they came anyways and had a ball!

I learned a lot in my 40 days. But there's one thing I didn't do. Free myself from food. I have learned doing that to free yourself from food you simply make a decision not to allow yourself to be a slave.

I was hoping before that by engaging my other senses I would be automatically drawn to leave, what seems to be, my favourite one behind. It was not so.

Even though since my first '40 Day Adventure' my life has been expanded in wonderfully crazy ways that makes it fuller, a bit more exciting and definitely more open to 'different', it hasn't let go of my long time wrestling match with food.

I have learned the proper way to eat perfectly. And I'm even teaching it now! For a long time I did feel free from the lusts of my taste buds, but somehow in recent weeks I have been lured back into the shackles of it once again.

I didn't really want to confess this. I don't want people to know. Most of all I don't want others to think because I have fallen they will fall, or because I struggle then it's impossible. I am all about hope.

I know beyond a doubt that the fight I keep picking is of my own lack of decision. I know that there's no magic formula to winning this battle (that of eating when you don't need to - I'm not referring to weight loss, for that there is a formula).

However, will all of this being said, I would love to make another list of sorts. Maybe take another look at my second '40 Day Adventure' and see what I've left behind, revise up a new list of things I want to try and more importantly write about.

There are so many things I want to do and share.

By the way, sticking to my decision to eat clean and out of hunger rather than emotion is one of them.

I'll get there. I am getting there.

Now to enjoy the road to where 'There' is...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

My dream world

In my dream world ...

My dogs wouldn't 'mark' my treadmill. My fingers wouldn't feel the excruciating pain of a -25 degree Celsius walk with them. My husband would come out of 3 years of college knowing how to change the toilet paper roll, then actually do it. Although it wouldn't matter, because the roll would never come to an end but fighting over stupid things would.

In my dream world ...

Chocolate cake wouldn't be R rated in my diet. Diets wouldn't exist. Nor would the need to scrub my bath tub. The electric fireplace we have would feel (and cost) the same as a gas one. I would have interior decorator instincts causing my house to look perfectly me and I wouldn't care if one room 'matched' the next. Because it wouldn't matter.

In my dream world ...

I would wake up without evidence that a crow has nested itself in my hair. The grays that peak out after distinct efforts to keep it hidden wouldn't bother me. Every pair of pants I owned would be of the yoga persuasion. Yoga would be as easy as it looked. Looks wouldn't matter.

In my dream world ...

People would always be happy therefore causing extreme generosity. All of the close-to-the-store parking spots would be open. As would people's minds causing mass fits of understanding and compassion. There wouldn't be racism, sexism, homophobia, or religiosity, only room for genuine love.

In my dream world ...

Every one would be living out their purpose and be fulfilled with what they do and what they've been given. There wouldn't be 'poor' people because no one would get left behind. We wouldn't have to 'look forward' to something happening because everything that does is exactly as it should and enjoyed for what it is. No one would get sick with fear, disease, ignorance, or despair. We would be whole.

In my dream world ....

My dog Sour would let me cuddle him whenever I wanted. Cuddles would be a requirement of the day. Days would go by at perfect speed. Speed would only be a measurement of time.

In my dream world ....

Old friends live down the street. The street is made of dirt and I don't care if it gets in my house. My house would be open for all who needed it and I would be completely ok with this. I would bake the best chocolate chip cookies after school for my kids and they would appreciate each and every bite (then offer to do the dishes). The neighbour dog would wag rather than bark and not make me scared that he'll eat my dogs Sweet and Sour for his dinner.

In my dream world ...

My writing would be perfect and editing wouldn't be needed (even though I don't do it anyways). People would always understand my sense of humour and I would never say the wrong things. I wouldn't care about winning or pointing out other people's flaws. I'd only look at the good in people and have understanding for the things that are under construction.

In my dream world...

I am always on perfect time. Time doesn't really exist. Everyone can opt to work from home in their pajamas (especially on snow days) and drink the world's best hot chocolate while sitting in front of the cozy warm fire. I know how to deal with every situation that arises. I don't avoid funeral visitations because they are actually fun parties thrown to celebrate a life. Laughter is the most contagious virus and it heals instantly. There are also little elves that live in your cupboards that cook, clean, do your laundry and fix things around your house when you go to bed. They love you too.

In my dream world ....

People teach me how to be a hugger. I teach them how to write thoughtful notes to those that make a difference in their lives. I am comfortably warm all of the time and never need to worry about armpit stains. I am physically fit and able at any given moment and mentally strong enough to handle any fit of rage or discouraging word (even though I won't need to be). I will cry when it makes sense and smile when it doesn't.

Most of all in my dream world ....

I am loved beyond reason by those seen and unseen.

Wait a minute .... this one I already have.

Seems like the others are just extras to remind me what really matters to help me through this very imperfect world. And, that I am likely living someone else's dream world as we speak. Must remember this.

I still look forward to someday enjoying perfection in all of it's glory. Little elves and all.