Friday, April 9, 2010

Sorting Thoughts - Part 1

I sit here now on night 7 of barely sleeping. I will admit freely that I'm at the end of my rope completely and in desperate need of rest, which could be the reason for my recent emotional and mental break down or only part of the problem.

I'm leaning toward the latter.

I'm blogging in hopes of therapizing (my own word) myself enough to summon rest.

*big breath*

So I have no idea even where to start in sharing what has been going on in my life lately to bring me to the brink of insanity. Some might say I didn't have far to go but I oppose that thought ... for the most part.

I guess I'll begin with the easiest to explain. Last Thursday while working out I was finishing my final set (of three) whatevers on the leg press (I think that's what it's called). It was brutal because I was at the end of my limit and I was under the impression I could let go and so I released. My trainer said, 'Don't let go, push all the way through one last time'. Only catch was I had already really let go, perhaps mostly in my head, but enough to have already lost the strength to hold. He pushed me to finish which is what he's supposed to do (as I don't think he realized I'd let go). While obeying the command I did something to my neck, which is weird as obviously my legs and neck are two landscapes that live far from one another.

Anyways, At first it was just a gentle pull I felt, just uncomfortable. After a day or two it became a searing sharp pain, something felt wrong and maybe out of place. I planned on talking to Dee about it but never got to as our appointments got unusually misplaced all week - I see him tomorrow. My best guess is he'll shoot me for not dealing with it sooner. The searing pain left a day or two ago when I slept on it funny during a nap-let and something went back into place. Now the other side of my neck and the bottom of my head hurt. The discomfort was so bad the other day that I saw spots, luckily that has passed but the sleeplessness hasn't.

The following day I had taken my before bed protein drink (minus milk which is absolutely wrong on every level) and felt so sick after. I spent the night awake and found myself researching protein overload. I don't know if that's what it was, let's just say I threw out the small amount of that brand that was left. I didn't feel right for a couple of days regarding that little issue.

Hmmmmm ... the final body part tragedy of my week happened Monday when I was taking someone I was supporting out and I was making a left on a not so busy street (thank goodness!!) and I decided that I needed to reset my kilometer reading. While I was turning. With my arm through the steering wheel. Just an FYI for everyone reading: that's not a bright idea. In fact, that's probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. Overall didn't leave a pleasant feeling or colour on my arm.

There's a brief overview of my physical strife (which I understand in the grand scheme of things compared to others isn't all that bad, but combined with the rest of my state, not a great addition).

On to other struggles...

I hesitate to write about these as I know some of you may not take what I am saying personally or to heart in a way I don't mean it. So please know that I am not directing subliminal messages to anyone out there. I am just speaking honestly about my emotions and thoughts as of late.


The party.

Wow. I can't tell you how many incredibly mixed emotions I've had lately about this 'celebration of life'. So many that I think I've wanted to skip celebrating life and take off on a cruise in the Caribbean. We definitely could have afforded it with the money we are using on the party.

Why mixed emotions? Well, I did not prepare myself at all for the reactions and responses we would get. Here are just a few ...

'We are so excited to come to your party! We'll be there with bells on!'
'Just letting you know that we'll be coming, but only for a couple of hours.' *This one was VERY popular*
'What does 'New chapter in your life' mean in the invitation? Are you pregnant? That's so exciting!!'
'As far as we know we'll be there, right now we don't have anything else going on. Even though an open or closed bar, pay or no pay doesn't matter to us, nor do we dance, I guess that leaves seeing people!!'
'Are Wally and Eva ok? They aren't sick or anything are they?'
'Bill took the night off work. We'll be there!'
'We'll be honest, we don't really dance but we are so excited to come!'
'Sorry, we have my husband's birthday party that night' (even though they don't ever celebrate any birthdays in the history of their lives)
'My date's working, I won't be there.'
'Thank you for planning this! Can't wait to see you!'

And then of course there's the ever popular group of people that negate the RSVP completely. Grrrrrr!

Well those are the various reactions we received. Some people might advise me not to take things personally and some of the comments mentioned above I don't but some I do.

For example, I completely get that it's uncomfortable to come out to something where you will not know a single soul. My thoughts 'Take a chance on meeting new friends'. But it doesn't offend me when people choose not to.

Those that create opportunities to miss my celebration actually ease my mind. A few less people to worry about understanding me, obviously they don't really get it if they are going to make believe parties over my fun one.

The responses that are difficult to swallow are ones that make complete sense in my head but not in my heart.

Like those people that I thought would 'get it', the urgency I mean, of why I'm doing this, but seem to disregard it as just another event.

Or just people's current life situation that make it difficult and even impossible to physically come out - that's just life, but not the part of it I enjoy (nor do they).

The final one I am reluctant to say but is probably the most challenging.

Realizing you are not on the main ingredient list anymore.

One of my dearest friends lives far away and let's be honest, going out of your way to go to a party is anything but practical. I've had the privilege of having this friend go completely out of her way planning to surprise me at my party. Overcoming distance, financing and timing to come celebrate life with me and no doubt show how much she really cares about my life and who I am to her.

However, in the end the 'real life' factor dashed our fairytale hopes.

Another for real, life changing, very important gathering came up at the same time as my celebration, forcing my friend to choose. I'm not being sarcastic either, I have no doubt in my mind that the event that came up is an essential one for her to be at. It includes several integral people in her life that have been a family to her for the past few years when she hasn't had family close by. They are leaving and this is her only real chance to say goodbye. How could I ever expect her to miss that? I couldn't and wouldn't want her to.

Knowing you are loved, understood and honestly cared about but having to accept the reality that you are no longer a primary ingredient in a person's practical life is tough. You're 'optional' instead of an essential. In no way am I saying I've been made to feel 'optional', I'll be the first to say that 'optional' ingredients are the best. They add great flavour and accent the main dish.

It's more of a wake up call thing. It's being faced the the reality that you aren't there in a practical everyday sense in that person's life and if we are honest those are the people we cling to life with. Those are the ones we exchange everyday needs with. Those are the ones who essentially give us the air we need to breath to get through sometimes.

I know it might be tempting for my friend to think that I feel 'not as important as her other friends' and perhaps I've had moments when my heart tries to convince my head of that (or the other way around, I'm not sure of the geography of these things).

But, this is not so. Instead I choose to be thankful that I get to be chosen for a fairytale thought. I mean she can't fly across the country to surprise her friends next door. And come on, flying sounds more romantic than walking :)

I love my friend and will continue to be thankful that I can compliment her life in a small way.

Everyone needs a little hot fudge in their lives. You know, to make the vanilla taste better!