Sunday, January 9, 2011

List Lover

I love lists. Like I would marry them if I could.

Lists make me feel organized, comforted, in control and prepared.

Although at the same time they have the power to make me feel disorganized, uncomfortable, out of control and unprepared. You know, if the list remains a list all it's life.

I've noticed lately that my obsession with lists has grown. I've noticed more and more of them popping up places. In my planner, on the fridge, on my night table, in the living room. In fact a week or two ago I proposed to Wally that we make a list of lists we have to write. He looked at me like I'd actually gone insane and realized, when I returned a very 'Of course I'm serious, do you think I would joke about this' look back at him.

I'm sure if a shrink were reading right now they would be able to easily tell me whatever my deep seeded emotional issue is that seems to increasing the list phenomenon in my world.

My best guess is feeling a wee bit overwhelmed. Perhaps in a good way at all of the possibilities there are out in the world for me to explore. Maybe also the fact that I have no idea where to start is also a little problem for me.

I was reading an article the other day that was about weight loss and how 98% of people that go at trying to lose weight on their own fail because they try and do 'all or nothing'. I've written about this before and admitted that I am most successful at anything when I just accept that perfection does not occur over night but rather within a process. I wonder where exactly my lists are in 'the process'.

One thing I'm struggling with today is the fact that I signed up for this little competition at work. I normally would never do this because I'm not the least bit competitive. Not to mention it's a weight loss competition, something I don't really and truly believe in.

However, I found out it is something that can be done in partners this time (sort of) and the idea of being accountable to someone who is depending on me to do my best really appealed to me. I feel as though lately I've fallen back into an unhealthy mindset which has lead to a struggle with mind on things relating to my body. It has been very frustrating.

I realized this evening, after spending the weekend pretending I'm the Caterpillar from the Hungry Caterpillar book eating my way through every unhealthy thing there is in sight, (because that's what I'm supposed to do before a diet - oh I HATE that word - it's like blasphemy!!) that I actually feel as though my morals around how I eat have changed, yet I don't exactly know how to deal with this.

I've never been blatantly morally corrupt. You know, I haven't murdered anyone but I definitely have enjoyed my share of a few good gossip sessions (wrongfully so). Now I'm starting to feel like the hypocrite healthy eater.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm a Baptist Clean Eater!!! (JUST kidding Baptist people. JUST kidding).

I guess what's frustrating is that I believe passionately what I should do but I decide when it's right for me to do it. If the rules seem applicable I abide, if they seem blurred I decide to do what best fits me. It's really very wrong.

I am comforted by the fact that I do believe in this passionately but frustrated by my lack of decision to follow what I know to be right all of the time. Hmmmmm ... this is helping me figure some things out.

I've come a long, long way in my little emotional eating, lazy ass journey. But I have a long, long way to go.

Now I know why I like lists. They simplify things. They order things to be done at a certain time. They make things happen.

'Continue to grow on the journey' sounds kinda vague for a list.


My list love is diminishing because it doesn't seem to be a realistic way to look at life.

My new 'To Do' List:

#1 - Relax
#2 - Notice and enjoy the small things
#3 - Do what I know I should do NOW
#4 - Stop making so many damn lists, it's stressing me out!