Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My Guy

No not Wally ... someone else.

Tune in tomorrow for the REST of the story...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


A brief note to say...

It kills me (perhaps this is a tad bit of an exaggeration) or maybe just drives me crazy.

Up the wall and around the corner.

Keeps me up at night (ok not really).

Talks to me in my sleep (well ... maybe not really with words).

The fact that I have a sitemeter seems to be an issue. Not because it tells me who's reading but more that it doesn't. Overall I think that's a very good thing. I mean if I knew I probably wouldn't be nearly as honest as I am. But it is strange knowing that people I see could actually know what's rattling around in my head. You know, people I wouldn't necessarily rattle on to.

Like I wonder how people that read this blog found it. Who they or you are. What they think (or maybe I don't want to know).

I've asked on a couple of occasions to share with me who you might be (practically begging for virtual friendship - ok I never denied desperation). I'm yet to have a complete stranger share. However I have met new people because of this blog and that is cool. I've also been reacquainted with people because of it as well.

I'm just curious.

Oh wait. That's not good. WE all remember what curiosity does ... it kills the cat Eva! Oh I miss Guy. Soooooo much.

Don't let me die.

Day 20 of Successfulness

It'd be really easy just to list off everything I ate and stuff everyday. To count of my calories and say 'you do the math', but that's not what I'm going to do. Who wants to read a blog like that?

Who wants to write a blog like that.

Not me.

Today was going ok until I got off work. I fantasized about a craving I was having (after having chatted with someone else at work about their thwarted efforts on weight loss). I find it incredible how a little tiny seed of thought can be planted (or in this case attracted) in your mind and develop so quickly and out of control.

I had no intentions today of any grocery run. No thoughts initially of needing ... well I won't say. But somehow the little bugger got in my head and wouldn't get out. (The thought that is). The funny thing is I wasn't even stressed really. Nope, not really. I was on the verge of hungry but not famished. For some reason hearing someone else talk about it and be able to identify with me so freely and easily seemed to implant the parasite safely into my brain. Grrrrr...

Anyways, here I sit having already counted up the calories of the day, because apparently that's what good dieter's do (never really done it before). I decided that I didn't need to have supper and wouldn't care to since I'm leaving again any minute. I've only been home for an hour.

I wonder how thoughts stick? I mean how do some thoughts stay with you while others run far, far away? For instance: why don't I get hounded by thoughts of fruits and vegetables? Why not be implanted with thoughts of lean meats and great spices?

I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't.

I met up with one of my team members today. She lost 10 pounds the first two weeks. I'd guess she was about my size (or was). She's the one I like (or liked ... just kidding). She was smiling and happy. I was mostly happy for her and partly just jealous.

Anyhoo, this willn't turn into a 'poor me' post or blog for that matter.

On a different front...

When Wally and I were out for our night walk last evening he proposed a thought he had to me. He said 'I wonder if you are someone that will never be happy with where they are in life. Always wishing for something else. Never satisfied.' (Something to this affect).

Of course I gasped, got immediately angry and almost killed him on the spot. I defended myself asked how he could ever say such a thing about a person who has always made it her anthem to love what you do, where you are at and find contentment in those places no matter where they are.

I'm not perfect but I will say I am someone who believes that change won't necessarily bring about happiness. I do believe that you need to be content where you are at before you will ever be able to enjoy anything else.

Oh my goodness ... I'm having a 'kick in the pants' moment.

*Long Pause*

I say all of this. I believe all of this and in so many areas in my life I live all of this. But there is one place I don't. One place I don't feel like I can. One place that I plead to God that I don't have to be content with.

Geez man.


I don't know how. How do I be content with my body the way it is when I am not content with how I treat my body. Or maybe it's how I treat food.


I kind of think it must be easy to confuse body image (what you see)and your mind's image (what you think). My mind really is the culprit here. It's what seems to get me into all of these problems. With it's wandering thoughts and silly ideas. I guess it is a lot less about controlling my body and a lot more about controlling my mind. Right?

There's this saying that is posted in many apartments of those I support who need help going through troubling situations. It goes like this: Stop, Think and Go. I think that's what it is. I'll have to check.

It makes sense. When I'm in a 'zone' of obsessive thoughts there's no getting out - it seems anyway. It's during those times I could use some 'stop'. Then some 'think' (like think about something else!!!) and 'go' (not the direction of the grocery store).

Oh dear. This seems really to be a problem of the mind and heart. I think I need a shrink. Wally actually suggested that too. Did I mention that already?

Anyways I gotta run. More work to do and another long, long day tomorrow.

I hope I can figure at least a little piece of the mystery out.

Contentment ...

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 19 of Successfulness

Yes I am back to the number thing. Well, at least for the moment. We'll see.

Last week I worked lots. For some reason a 42 hour week seems far longer when it starts and stops a hundred times through out. You see I have a lot of days that consist of me starting the day at 7:30 or 8 am, working until noon, then back in (somewhere else) at 4pm and working until 10pm. It's not torture or anything but if I were to choose my hours in a day they may not be exactly as scheduled. But it's all part of training. And this field.

Anyways, last week was primarily spent working my 42 hours amongst 6 days here and there - many of my shifts being my first 'on my own' ones. Overall they went very well. YAY!

In other news the past couple of weeks have found themselves far (oh so far) from the wagon. I found myself a little down last week. I think I was perhaps a tad overwhelmed with all the new work, the party planning (and trying to be understood by everyone who's helping), and the fact that I am currently leaving our apartment looking like that of a college student every time I exit it. And I guess now that I'm not one I can't do that anymore. (Come to think of it I never did that then ... really).

Wally commented how I seem to use something and when I'm done with it just leave it where ever I last was. Apparently this isn't normal. Or at least not acceptable.

By the time Sunday came (my only day off) the place looked like a tornado hit it. (I do, incidentally, know what that looks like first hand). I honestly haven't felt like I had any energy or concern for the fact that there was more silverware in the living room than in the kitchen (or food for that matter). Or that every pair of underwear I had was in the wash patiently waiting for their turn in the machine, while I had to torture a pair today that really should have waited until successfulness had reaped some results. Oh yes and let's not forget the fact that I was beginning to be kind to the environment by writing my notes to Wally in the accumulated dust on our furniture.

All this to say I seemed wiped out and completely overrun with stuff to 'catch up' on and not any ambition to do so in sight. I think all of this contributed to the fact that I have not even cared one shred about any stupid diet or competition.

I realized today that I was really just choosing to live in denial (of some magnitude). I have been avoiding the truth of my 'issues' or at least avoiding the solution to them. I avoided the scale, (which so eloquently told me today that the weight was not going to jump off of my body because I had good intentions - weird eh?). I realized that by not reminding myself of the truth I was just running from it.

So this morning before I ate my fabulous Fibre One and cottage cheese with cinnamon for breakfast, I grabbed the electronic scale and faced the facts. I quickly stripped down to my undies (because you needed to know), but didn't go too crazy (I kept my watch and rings on). I stepped on that scale with confidence and strength. After seeing the number that stared back at me, wondered if perhaps confidence and strength added weight to my number.

Either way I got the truth and I accepted it. I didn't get off of the scale sad or angry. I didn't feel ugly or defeated. Instead I felt challenged. Challenged to, once again, be the person I know that I am. Who knew a scale could go that deep eh?

Well anyways I've had a good day in the realm of successfulness and decided to bring back the title. I decided that successfulness shouldn't be completely based on the outside result but also the scenery along the way. It took 19 days to get here and each have taught me something. Ok so I'll be honest I'm not exactly sure what but I'm sure they have right?

P.S. After breakfast during the 2 hours I had before work I finally dusted, swept, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, put some Christmas stuff away, did 2 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, made my successful lunch and had time to finish some paperwork for work. It's amazing what accepting the truth will do!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Still Alive

Once again I am posting something short. I just want to say that I am indeed alive and for some reason drained of thought. Perhaps it's because it is all going into party planning (as mentioned earlier).

I know I really don't need to post little blurbs like this between large posts but I like keeping connected, even in little ways.

Well, I hope to write again sooner than later. I wouldn't mind reading comments though. Or random thoughts. Something entertaining or thoughtful.

But then not many people seem to like to leave those comments, at least not often.

Oh well if you are in the mood and want to share with me something, anything. Would love to hear your voice.

Eva :)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Another short and bland information post (I think I'll be ready for some writing again in the next couple of days).

I have begun to make some head way on the party front!!! I just booked the DJ for our dance and they sound great. Also am planning to meet with our invitation lady tomorrow as well as my friend who is helping with the decorations.

The past few days I have felt very down about it and a little overwhelmed but after finally booked a DJ I am rejuvenated. I friend reminded me that good things are worth the work. I am believing and trusting that this party will be full of great things!

It's funny most of the time I feel full of life and not caring what people think about my (in this instance crazy party) ideas. But when things become challenging it's easy to doubt yourself and wonder if it'll be fun, meaningful and worth all of the money in the end. I mean if no one came we'd feel pretty silly. I just hope that people catch the 'vision' of creating memories and truly 'celebrating life'. From my little experience planning this party I have quickly learned that people aren't used to celebrating for no apparent reason.

What a shame.

It's silly but I what so much more than a party out fo this party. I want people to 'wake up' and see what a gift they've been given with those around them and with life itself. So much of our time is spent focusing on what we don't have, or who we aren't. Rather than what we do have, the possibilities that lie within and the people we can be.


I can only do my best to project a great attitude of true excitement and fervor for the life I had by living it fully and trying my best to spread the joy I have. Even when I feel like I lose it once in a while.

Well better catch some reads before sleep comes. I haven't been finding resteasily lately. I trust that tonight will be different.

Live baby live.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Does it really matter what day of 'successfulness' it is?

Ok so there has been a slight hiatus from success as of late. I'm sure you all were living in complete suspense. I'm been truly struggling with the wagon idea.

Wally and I have had a couple of serious conversations about my 'issues' with food. He thinks I should seriously consider talking to someone (like, you know, a professional - or I would just call them a skinny person 'know it all'). Anyways, I've thought about it and considering my actions (which at this point shall remain private, it gets old after a while) it may be something I should follow through with. Along with the list of a hundred other items on my to do list.

Wall has also brought to my attention how much I talk about this issue and that by focusing on it I am making it more of an issue. I think he's probably right. He also kindly pointed out that I seem rather self absorbed when I fixate on it - imagine that.

I have yet to meet anyone else that talks about food stuff, I mean talks about it. I know lots of us struggle with it but I feel as though I'm the only one that is truly screwed up by it.

I'm getting bored talking about this subject - it's not that fun.

Do me a favour: google Compasio Thailand. This is the thing I want to do within the next year. I watched some of the videos posted at 3:30am this morning when I couldn't sleep. I was reminded about the dreams I've had since I was a teenager to go abroad and serve. To love. To care. I was thinking maybe I could work on something while I wait. Something to help them. That might be cool.

We'll see. My ideas always seem to get me into trouble. For instance I have this party I'm planning. I can't seem to find a DJ. I will find a DJ, but it'll like work. I need to be around people that understand my party and are excited to be at my party. Maybe that's what I need to do to cheer up - be with my party people.

Anyway, I hope to write about some other stuff soon. Thanks for hangin' with me,

Forever hoping,

Eva :)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day 9 of Successfulness

The wagon stopped for a break today. I'm currently sitting under a shade tree. Cause where I'm traveling it's warm.

Maybe I'll have more thoughts tomorrow...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Day 8 of Successfulness

Overall not a horrible wagon ride. I almost jumped completely off but then I seemed easily swayed to just dangle my feet - doesn't hurt to live a little.

I only got 1 hour of sleep last night and was wide awake the rest of the evening. Got a lot of e-mailing done in regards to the par-te. Realized that 15 people actually had RSVP-ed (interestingly only 2 of the 5 people that I knew about was on this list) and I hadn't even known it. Clearly I'm no technological wizard.

So with 7 hours of time to myself I spent some time researching party ideas on the net. Decided that google was useless for parties of my persuasion and finally decided that I'll just have to be creative on my own. Eek.

It has been interesting getting e-mails from potential guests I don't normally correspond with who are asking for more info on the par-te. Every one seems to want to know more. 'What's this all about Eva?', 'Tell me more', 'You've got me curious'. There were a handful of people I decided I better actually give a few tid bits of info to so they understood why they were invited and what for.

I mean I'd be a little weirded out if I got an invite from someone I never see or perhaps haven't' seen in forever with little info on what the event's about. It's kind of neat though to peak people's curiosity. I'm a bit surprised how willing certain people are to come. I'm planning to trying and enjoy and make the most of every opportunity I have during this process to make people really think about their lives and living them.

We'll see how it goes.

Here's hoping I get to go to sleep tonight and have something incredibly witty to say tomorrow. For now I just can't seem to think normal, well normal for me, I'm just too spent.


Hey before you go, wanna send me just a line and tell me who you are in a sentence. I may not even know you but it'd be cool to learn. If I already do tell me something new. I don't know tell me something you LOVE to do or dream of doing. Be fun! Sometimes it kills me not knowing who is reading. I mean I don't care that you are a stranger but I feel like I'm missin' out on a good story, sometimes I feel that way with people I do know. Tell me.

Smile for me today, I'm a little too drowsy. Still so thankful for my life.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day 7 of Successfulness

Against my better judgment I got weighed in today. Then as I was on the scale I remembered it didn't matter as long as I didn't look again.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Apparently I lost a pound. Apparently a guy in the competition lost 12. Whatever. He doesn't carry the weight of procreating on his shoulders (or hips). Of course he can lose the weight.

I was impressed with losing a pound considering I was just buckled in 2 1/2 days ago.

Changing the subject.

I need a challenge. I'm feeling a little bored. Not really with work yet as I am training a bazillion hours a day. But in life.

I feel like now that school is over I don't have an admirable goal. You know, something to brag about.

I will admit I find it very difficult planning anything around my work right now. It'll probably be like this for the next few months. Wally and I found out a few days ago that we are going to need to purchase a second vehicle, as he is commuting 50 minutes to and from work every day. We really had hoped not to have to and thought we had something worked out with my parents (getting rid of their old car) but that fell through. We are so enjoying being debt free right now, we didn't want to lose that, however C'est la vie right? We've been spoiled since we sold our home.

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes, bored. So I want to do something. Learn something. Engage in something. Look forward to something, yet enjoy the process of getting it.

Since we moved here I've wanted to try some sort of dance class. I really don't care what just something to get me movin' and havin' fun at the same time.

I've thought about putting my cake decorating set to good use and taking a class - meeting new people. Now it doesn't sound that fun. Also thought about I could take a course at the college or something but I can get free day workshops through work.

Maybe I should just make it a priority to do something different. Why haven't I already learned this lesson? I should know this by now.

I am considering a trip to Thailand next spring for 2 weeks. It's that 'mission' trip I've always wanted to take. A friend of mine offered to travel with me and go. I asked Wally if there's a chance he may consider it. His considering may take some time. I definitely look forward to that but it is a ways off.

I like to be in the state f enjoyment - you know like in my 40 Days thing. I felt very alive doing that. Constantly learning something new about myself and those around me. Though originally it wasn't really relationally based, it turned out to be a very relational activity. It was outside of my box and fun too. Hmmmm. I've got to keep thinking.

I miss relationships, I think I want to do something that will nurture that part of me.

Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Day 6 of Stupidness to be renamed Successfullness

Yeah I'm trying to stay positive.

The ride on the wagon today was pleasurable. Comfortable and easy. Put my hand outside of the confines of the body of the wagon and felt the wind blow through my fingers. It felt freeing.

In other news ...

Apparently I could be the first person to die of the common cold and I'm the only one who knows this.

I learned today that I am not a fan of Enriche Iglesias. At all. Fingernails on a freakin' chalk board.

I'm convinced my nose ran away with the spoon and may never return.

I found out that there is good reason for warnings regarding drowsiness on cold and sinus medication. It was like my eyelids were in a weight lifting competition.

Sometimes I find the people I shadow with at work far more draining than the people I support .... sigh

I love having a 'connection' with someone - I got that today with someone new I am supporting, should be interesting.

I sent out several 'save the date' facebook notices (like 75) and have heard from only 5 people. Apparently I'm not the hippest act in town.

The 5 people that I have heard from are clearly the most important ones that will be there.

I guess I can't be honest about EVERYTHING on here because I just erased my last point.

I'm considering starting to carry a pen and notepad with me to remember my clever observations during the day. That's not too weird, is it? Maybe don't answer that one.

I love getting real e-mail. Seriously the sight of a number beside my 'inbox' gets me all excited. (In a completely ok way).

Did I mentioned that I finished my book the other night when I was up late? I already miss it. I feel like I need to write it a love letter.

I need to get reading another book (shhhhh ... don't tell the other one).

Tonight I plan to sleep throughout the night in it's entirety. I worked another 13 hour day and have a 10 hour day tomorrow, I am determined.

Thoughts in the Night

I am once again up in the night. This time because I just got run over by a truck. It doesn't feel good to get run over by a truck. To top it off I had a Charlie horse a couple of hours into my sleep. Not cool.

I'm glad that when ever I get them I am deeply sleeping (at least initially). Seriously I inevitably end up grabbing whatever part of Wally is closest to me and squeezing it with all of my might. Then immediately begin to sound like I am going into labour.

I'm glad he grabs my hand back and helps me breathe because if it were me I'm probably slug him and tell him to get over it and go back to sleep. Wally's nicer than me a lot of the time. Maybe I should work on that.

On to other things...

I think I know why I haven't' tried to tell you about my work more. It seems like a huge mountain to try to climb in trying to explain stuff. I mean I went to school for 2 years and I feel like it's my job to educate everyone else on the truth about people with disabilities but have no idea where to start. I need to relax and just tell stories. Jesus did a lot of that. I think he was probably on the right track.

Hmmmm... what to tell...

The other day on my facebook one of my 'friends' posted something in their status that read like this: "'I love someone with Down Syndrome' If you know someone with Down Syndrome post this in your status for awareness."

Ok so that wasn't the exact quote but it was along that line. Now, before I went to school I may have done it - you know, to show support, or awareness or something.

But the first thing I thought of when I read it the other day was: 'How does loving a person with a certain disability show awareness for anything? And why the heck is it that big a deal?' I was instantly irritated then quickly reminded myself that the only reason I was bothered, was because I had been educated a tiny bit on people with disabilities. That doesn't mean I know 'all things disability related' but I have definitely had my mind opened up completely by just doing the work that I do.

Did you know that people with disabilities all have feelings/emotions? Whether they know how to communicate with you or not. They also have preferences. Seriously. They know how to pick what movie they want to watch, what pants they would like to wear and what food they'd like to eat. On the odd instance that someone shows no preference it's usually because they cannot communicate it successfully to you, not because they don't have one.

Here are a few examples: BB loves all things Disney, loves them. Owns every Disney movie and also loves Julie Andrews. Why? I really don't know but why do you love what you love? Theo loves Elvis. I mean LOVES Elvis. When I first went into Theo's apartment I was overwhelmed at how much paraphernalia there was about the King of Rock and Roll. I'm sure Theo could have his own museum. Then there's Trudy who likes to be called Bobbie. She has to get her King Kong fix everyday. And not the new King Kong, the old King Kong. I watched it with her yesterday and decided movies had changed a bit since way back when. Everyday.

I remember this being one of the first things I learned. 'They' are regular people with different abilities than me. 'They' are not Down Syndrome or Prader Willi, they are not Fragile X, Obsessive Compulsive, Bipolar, Autistic or any other of the thousands of diagnosis' there are now a days. 'They' are simply people first.

At the beginning of my career, not too long ago, I remember wondering how I would talk to 'them', or what I would do with 'them', how would I react to 'them'. I soon had to lose the 'them' and 'me' mentality. I'm still working on this one.

One of the best things I've ever been able to witness was on my very first day of placement. It was a Wednesday morning at 10 am, but you could have fooled me. Within 15 minutes the little gym in the building I was doing my placement at was filled to the brim with people from different agencies all through out the city - coming with only one thing in mind ... KARAOKE baby!!!

In a matter of a few brief minutes the gym was turned into a night club and I had to seriously wonder if there hadn't been a time warp and it wasn't Friday night at 11pm. Music was up, the dancin' was on, people were ready for their weekly fix. They were ready to grove.

The memory of that day and the many Wednesdays that followed will never leave my mind. It was one of the most valiant displays of life I had ever seen. No mater what the personality seemed to be of the person supported they were lovin' the music. I saw one lady who I later noticed barely said 2 words throughout the day and generally sits in the same spot quiet as a mouse, get up and seriously show some moves. I don't mean just a little arm wave and body sway. I mean this woman was the music.

This experience became a turning point in how I looked at those with different abilities. It was a time I looked forward to every week because I selfishly enjoyed watching others lose all inhibitions and be themselves in joy. I secretly was jealous that they knew how to do this. I had to remind myself that for many of the people there it's the one thing in their lives they are allowed to enjoy without being told how to do so.

At my new place of employment we have our own Karaoke night every other week. It's not big and loud like the one I first enjoyed. It's actually kinda small, with an acoustic feel, but boy can the people that come out have a good time. I always look forward to Joanne's dance moves and Lynn's rendition of 'Blue Suede Shoes'.

It's just regular people having a whole lot of fun. When was the last time you had the time of your life with no inhibitions?

We could stand to learn a thing or two.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 5 of Stupidness

Barely got any sleep at all lastnight. Woke up with a nasty croopy cough and a nose that was acting like it was in the 100 meter sprint in the Olympics. My eyes also felt as though they may start to leak.

Not so swell. However I was buckled tightly into my seat on the wagon. It was nice, comfortable and kinda shiny.

I had made my immaculate lunch the evening before as well as my supper for my first day on the road on the wagon.

I got to work and realized my lunch of perfection (and my supper) were still at home. I decided mentally I didn't think I'd make it through the day. Then my mind split in two and had a very intense debate that resulted in my fulfilling my commitment to work 11 hours today.

I met with my supervisor and filled up my schedule for til the end of January with 44 hours a week. Well one week was only 42 she said 'I think it's ok not to work 44 hours, just because you can.' I mentally disagreed and clearly forgot that I was dying.

I had an hour between shifts, I walked the poochies, ate my healthy lunch and watched 2 minutes of commercials on t.v. I noticed that someone knew exactly what I needed when a KFC commercial came on, followed by a Reese Peanut Butter Cup Ad, then soon after a Benalyn DM sales pitch. I was in awe. Someone read my mind. Cool.

I found it insane though that of the extra 3 1/2 hours I had to wait to eat my lunch, my stomach only growled during 5 of them. I was totally impressed. (Yeah, they don't add up. You can stop trying already).

I just arrived home and have realized that my nose sprint has went from a sprint to a marathon, I have a pile of laundry to hang and a little fat free chocolate pudding cup that is calling for me to engage it. I will because I am that committed.

Sorry my day wasn't thought provoking or entertaining.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Snicky Wicky

I am secretly doing this post and even whispering in my head. Wally and I went to bed a few minutes ago and I couldn't get to sleep right away (not normal for me) and he is currently in dreamland (not normal for him).

So I am being sneaky here. (A Scottish friend of ours always calls it being 'snicky wicky'. I think 'snicky' is like sneaky but with an accent. The first time I heard her say it I almost died laughing. Seriously, they called 911.)

I'm not real sure why I am on here, don't have any magic thoughts. In case you are worried, I am typing this while comfortably on THE wagon.

Maybe I'll give you a few of random thoughts as of late...

Today I was looking in the mirror at my naked body. I struggle with this. Not because I hate my naked body but because I don't.

While looking at my bod. I notice that I have boobs at this point in time. You see this changes with my weight fluctuations, duh. I decided perhaps I would have a funeral for them when I get down to my goal. Or maybe a small good bye party would be more appropriate.

As I begin to plan our 'Celebration of Life' party I have been talking to some friends. One of them started asking a bunch of questions like:'Do you have a budget? Have you booked a DJ? Will there be party favors?' I immediately shut her down and pretended that I wasn't going to have a party at all (in my head). What have I gotten myself into?

I have had a perpetual scratch to itch on my back for the past several weeks. Wally had Smoky Mama get me a back scratcher for Christmas only to find out that the only way to 'scratch my itch' is to do so by hand. Why is this?

Wally is tired of my back itch spot. Why is this?

I was dreading going into work Saturday because I was shadowing someone I had only met at a meeting once. She was very outgoing and kinda loud. I feared she'd be mean to me and that I'd hate her. Come to find out I may propose to her. Friendship I mean. I just love her.

The book I was telling you about is called: 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years' by Donald Miller and Eva. Ok I lied. I didn't write it. But I did read it. (Well almost all of it - still putting off saying good bye).

I am so tired and realizing I should have taken off a bit more time before returning to full time work. I didn't though and I am thankful I love my new job.

Speaking of which, I thought about it today and realized how many blog posts I write in my head everyday regarding my work. I honestly think I could come home and easily write a post a day about my job. I learn sooooo much there and have so much to share. I wish I could share everything. Maybe sometime I try to at least share a few stories. I think you'd learn a lot too. You'd love the people... you'd just love them.

The real reason I am still awake is that I just got an e-mail from an old friend of mine from high school. We were in the same circle of friends. We weren't terribly close but our little group seemed to do everything together. We had a lot of fun. My friend and I lost touch. I invited her to THE party, that's when she e-mailed me. She just shared with me how she stumbled upon this blog a while ago and has read every entry. I just learned that e-mail is far more personal than I ever thought. I feel like she just reached out and gave me a hug. I heard her laugh in the e-mail - I love her laugh. I hope she can come to THE party.

Maybe ... if she comes ... I'll be able to give her a hug back and get to hear her laugh. That would be a great 'Celebrating Life' present.

Right now I have the world at my fingertips.

Thank you.

Day 4 of Stupidness

Most of the day was spent using my binoculars to see the wagon. It apparently got way far ahead of me. It's only as I have slowed down that I have finally caught up to it.

I am doing some stretches and hope to scratch my way up into it to sleep for the night. It looks different than before.

I'll tell you how it rides tomorrow.

God Bless,
Eva :)

He stole my book!!

So I'm reading this book. I'm almost done. It only took me a couple of days to read most of it and now that I'm near the end I don't want to finish it. Not because it's a bad book. Not because I'm bored with it. But because it's so relatable (apparently that's not a word) to me I don't want it to be over.

It was funny, I was out with Smoky Mama and Pumpkin (my in laws) on our annual Christmas craft show and dinner date, when we were in a Christian book store.

Anyhoo, we were in the store and I notice a new book by a best selling author whom I've bought books by before. Some people love him, others probably wouldn't join his marketing team. I bought his 3 in 1 book and only got 2/3rds of the way through one of the books. The best seller.

I'm not sure what exactly made me think this book would be any different. I think it was the fact that initially I thought the book was written by a different author with a similar thought pattern and I got them mixed up. I pull the book off of the shelf take it over to Smoky Mama and say 'I wouldn't mind this for Christmas. It's on sale!'

We always let eachother be completely thoughtful when gift giving. Never make lists or demand anything. Always handmade. I was trying to be subtle, you know?

I went to put the book back where I got it from and Smoky Mama yells 'Well bring it over! This will help me get started'. I took it to her in mild disbelief and felt a tad guilty for bringing it up. We briefly argued about her getting the book right then. We didn't use our fists though. She bought the book. I pretended to forget and was very excited when I opened it Christmas Eve.

Did I mention I had no real idea what the book was about? Yeah, I just knew it was more of a self reflective book about the author 'editing' his life or something. It sounded like his life got better in the end and I thought to myself: 'He's a best selling author and needed his life to get better. I'm ... well ... me. I suppose there's always room for improvement. Heck, maybe I'll finish it.'

I soon got reading the book and realized that this author had beautifully articulated so many of my thoughts on life. It was so cool to read something that in essence I feel like I could've written myself.

Then I got wondering if he had secret powers to get into my head and steal my thoughts. Then I realized that I wasn't a best selling author, didn't try and write a movie, and well could never have written this book. Relief ... I wouldn't have to sue.

The book was about writing your own story in life. That the power to write it is within your control (how you are going to deal with life and stuff). He doesn't say that you can avoid cancer by thinking certain thoughts, but that you can choose how you are going to make your cancer story go. How you are going to live it.

I completely related to what Don was saying (we're on a first name, abbreviated basis. Don't be jealous you can read the book too), when he spoke of creating a meaningful story in your life. I feel like this has been the exact lesson I've been learning during the past 7 years. I've been discovering that it's not your personality that determines what kind of live you have, it's what you chose to do with the life you have been given.

I used to day dream (and still do) about the kind of person I've always wanted to be. When I was young my birthday wishes, as far back as I can remember, were to be beautiful. When I was an overweight 10 year old that meant physical beauty. As I grew up that dream didn't change. My thoughts of being 16 years old were that of a beautiful girl. I wanted that. I believe I became that - though I'd never say that at the time. I had a pure heart for God. A sincere desire to do whatever He wanted. Love for my family and friends. I was a decently attractive young lady. Not a model, not a size 6, but I took care of myself.

As I have grown older I have had more day dreams. This time more about my life and who I really am. I have grown and changed , not all for the good. When I realized after my aunt died that you truly only have one life to live and God does not always intervene to save it (at least not in the physical sense), I realized that I was the one who would have to do something about it. A huge turning point for me was when Wally was unemployed and we hadn't gotten pregnant- at that point were a bit relieved about this. But I was looking at my life and I saw that no one was going to magically walk in and grant all of my wishes. I wasn't just going to go to bed one day and wake up the next as a stay at home mom. My husband wasn't going to magically be all that I needed him to be. I needed to put some work into it.

That's when I feel that I became an author. Re-writing my story. Wally did too. The thing that makes it easiest for me to 'write' my story is reminding myself what kind of person, or as Don would say 'character', I would like to be. I think that I unintentionally did this and held on for dear life with it. I kept running into people in my life here and there that showed me glimpses of what it looked like to truly LIVE a real life. There weren't very many at first. But as I kept writing and living and trying to be open to plot changes our story began to take some fun twists and turns.

I was out with a friend of mine the other day for coffee. I was telling him how looking back recently over the past 2 years I'd been in school how much I could see a difference in mine and Wally's relationship. How I was starting to see how Wally is becoming the man that I have always wanted him to be. That sounds selfish but it's true. Of course when we married Wally and I were best friends (sorry for the cliche but it's the best way I can describe it). We had eachother's backs, loved the same things, cheered eachother on - life had an ease. Then when life happened we changed quickly and found it more difficult to continue to put the other first, it's wearing after a while.

I have been able to witness God changing our hearts slowly but beautifully. There was a point in time I didn't want to be married to Wally any more, he was not the person that I wanted to raise a family with. I waited a long time to tell him this. I was ashamed and didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was still my friend. I told him though. I told him how I felt. I told him I wouldn't leave him physically because I made a promise. But I did tell him that I didn't want to have children any longer with him and that really we'd just live in the same house if something didn't change. I loved him but not like that.

Some men would take off after hearing this, or say mean things back. Wally didn't. Wally cried and apologized. I cried and hoped things would get better. Within a couple of months Wally got a job. He worked on a pig farm without hesitation. His focus was me. His heart was me. He did anything for me. After that I knew he was real. I knew he was a keeper.

Wally worked at 2 pig farms for almost 3 years without ever complaining about doing it. Then it was my turn. To do anything for him. I told him I was ready for him to go to school. He protested, worried that I wasn't ready for it. I thought about it a bit longer. Then I told him I was ready. I was. A great character would do that in a good story. A great character would love her husband that much.

Well I did and soon after when I went to Wally and told him I'd love to go back to school he didn't even hesitate. We bought a backpack and off I went. Wally was a great character in my story. I am really liking how things are being written.

Anyways, you know how things have ended up since. Struggles remain but in the end I see myself in the middle of an epic novel. Writing your story is very cool. Way better than succumbing to someone else’s.

My hope is that I never stop writing, that I never give up trying to become an admirable character. I want my character to be strong, funny, deep, wise, full of love, real and … know karate.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Day 3 of Stupidness

Was pretty much spent running full strength.

After the wagon.

I think the darn thing has an engine!!!!

Day 2 of Stupidness

Was filled with little sleep as a scratchy throat found me and aching muscles settled in preventing me from waking up looking like ... heaven. Shocking I know.

Worked all day with a headache. Got a chuckle out of my new job.

This one lady who's name is Trudy but prefers to be called Bobbie called the lady I was 'shadowing' a witch. Apparently Bobbie has a sense of humour. When the lady she called a witch put cream on Bobbie's fingernails Bobbie then asked if I could put the cream on her toes because, Bobbie said, 'I love her'. Made me chuckle. I put the cream on her severely disfigured toes while Bobbie said sternly 'Do NOT tickle my feet!'. I secretly feared for my safety and halfheartedly tried not to tickle her feet. She laughed. I was relieved.

I came home exhausted. Wally ordered Panzerotti. I ate half mine along with half a cooler, followed by too much cookies and cream Breyers. Oops. Rubbed my butt from the fall I took (you know, off the wagon). Slept on and off through a Dateline (which by the way I LOVE). While Wally huffed and puffed in the other room saying he wouldn't come out while I was watching such a show.

I watched the entire two hours and then went to bed.

I also got an e-mail from one of my loser team mates, I actually mean my 'biggest loser' team mates, who invited us to do walking together. I instantly loved her. she doesn't know anyone either.

Maybe I'll run after the wagon and get agile enough to climb back on.

We'll see on Day 3.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Day 1 of Stupidness


They participated in my day.

So did the songs: 'She's a Brick House', 'I'm a Survivor', and a handful of others.

It's night time. I am tired. My knees are aching from stupidness, an activity I partook in early today. A time at which several expletives were used that would turn your ears purple and make them fall off.

The lady in the exercise video game thingy is rude. She has way too much to say, all at the wrong time. If I wanted to hold the pose, I'd hold it. She needn't add her 2 cents. Witch.

After the exercise 'game' I did 15 minutes of boxing to fun music. Then I noticed I was boxing to the beat. Then I thought why not just dance instead. I turned it up and was the brick house - with every fiber of my being.

It felt good.

Went to work. Came home starved. Ate a bit too much lunch. Then felt to need to eat marshmallows because they don't seem entirely evil. Then I felt that Graham crackers go good with marshmallows. It didn't seem right that the chocolate was left out. I ate a few 'flavored' chocolate chips. They should be renamed edible wax.

I made it up to myself with some hot chocolate. It's just a drink right? Oh yeah, I used my chocolate covered stir spoon too. You know to stir things up a bit.

Felt overly full. Laid down to catch 40 winks, accidentally got 75 instead. When I woke up I forgot the day, time, and my purpose in life. Recovered in 5 minutes and realized I had to fulfill my purpose in 45 minutes.

I scurried, fulfilled, returned to tell the incredible story (and learned that my spelling of the word incredible is way off).

Overall a great start to my self induced torture.

Stupidness will be back. It's inevitable. It knows my name.

Good night.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The 'Button'

Here are a few things about buttons in general:

1. Wally loves hearing me say the word buttons. The reason is because when I say it I over pronounce the t's. I also do this with the words: mittens, kitten's and Tim Horton's. I only started doing this a few years ago when one of the kids I mentored when I was a youth worker did it. Now I can't seem to stop. If I try I feel like I'm doing an English accent or something. I don't get it.

2. I bought a new coat over the holidays. It was on sale because of Boxing Day - that's how I roll ... with the sales I mean. It was on even more sale because every coat in the store had button's falling off. I started browsing and noticed right away this was the case. The sales girl saw my reluctance to commit to a coat. Mostly it was because I didn't know whether I looked better with or without a belt, but I'm assuming she thought it was the missing button epidemic that took over the store. I was thinkin' this because she immediately let me know that if I wanted I could get an additional 10% off of my coat purchase because of the missing buttons

If I wanted? Are you kidding me lady? That's the dumbest offer statement I've ever heard. Like, I'm going to say 'No thanks, I want to pay full price for this article of clothing that is falling apart at the seams. Come to think of it, can I throw in a 25% tip also, just because you are that nice? Yeah, duh! The funny part was as she was showing me how I could wear the belt this way and that (really when the belt is attached to the coat there is only one way to wear it - even I know that)she was mentioning how the coat didn't really need the 25 decorative buttons that were on the coat either. You know, in case they fell off. Well geez, way to sell the coat. Unfortunately for her I'm not 6. Fortunately for her I am a bargain hunter.

I bought the coat with the missing buttons, came home determined to re sew all of the buttons back on before I wore it out. I wore it out, forgot to remove the tag on the sleeve, forgot to snip the threads int he back 'vent area', and decided that the already missing button on the front wasn't all that necessary (who needs their coat to close up int he winter anyways?)

While I was out another button fell off. It was a decorative one. She said I didn't need it...

Ok so on to the third and final button (like my sermon?)

The anticipation button. Was that what I called it? Or was it the adrenaline button? I can't remember, it was a button of some persuasion I know that. Anyways, I don't know that I found it regarding my desire to melt my bod into ... well a bod of less proportion.

I was at work today meeting with my new supervisor, blah, blah, blah. aNd they were starting this 'Biggest Loser' thing.


I did this last year at my gym and failed miserably. I began to detest the little psychology analysis I got each time I weighed in and didn't lose weight, and I thought I had better never do such a thing again if I didn't want to end up in jail for homicide. However I've been looking for my 'inciting incident'. (I'm reading a book, a good book. I'll have to expand on it later. It's a me book, I'll say that much.)

Where was I?

Yeah I have been trying to find something basically I could commit to that would MAKE me succeed at my goals. I'm not sure if this is it, I guess we'll see. I really didn't want to do this. I mean I like JUST started working there, did I really want a complete stranger weighing me in? I think I'd rather streak naked in the woods. Ok so streaking naked in the woods probably wouldn't be that bad ... my point is I wasn't too keen on the whole thing. Also, we are put into teams to 'encourage' eachother. (That's a nice way of saying eagle eying every morsel of food that goes into eachother's mouths - whatever.)

However for the sake of losing my pride and humbling my self, (and a last ditch effort to look great in a party dress in April) I joined the stupid thing.

Anyways, we'll see. I think I'm going to do it and rock it just so I have something to be cranky about for the next 3 months. I'm kinda funny when I'm cranky. Well to a point, until the knives come out and well we'll hope that doesn't happen.

So today at 12:15 pm I weighed in at... well I have to admit I have absolutely no clue. I looked away from the scale and put the weigher lady in a CPI hold and told her if she breathed my weight out loud or to anyone else I'd hunt her down and put laxatives in her coffee when she wasn't looking. she promised not to tell and asked me if I was sure I didn't want to know. She didn't need her right arm.

I immediately came home and prepared for my stint in my real life 'Biggest Loser'. I went to the grocery store and bought chips to help me finish off my spinach dip, and a dozen bakery chocolate chip cookies. I came home and ate the rest of the dip, with a handful of chips (cause really there wasn't much dip left). Slugged back a giant glass of Coke, ate half of the cookies, felt boated and wondered what I would eat for supper later.

When I got home from a short 2 hour shift I thought I'd top off my night (along with my Wally), by taking it easy and SPLITTING a slice of pizza at the old people mall beside us. Of course we tripped over the dollar store on the way home and picked up some Swedish Berries and peanut butter cups, you know, to make my commitment real.

I just checked my e-mail. Saw who was on my team. Shouldn't you have something to lose in order to be a part of 'The biggest loser'? Whatever. Skinny bitches. Stupid buttons.

Sorry I'm getting a little cranky.

Eating ... peanut ... butter ... cups.


Gramma's in love - Part duex

The other day I called my Gramma to finally tell her that Wally got a job (after my mama had asked me on the two previous phone calls if I had yet I figured it was time).

Not far into the conversation she shared that her and Boyfriend Grampa exchanged Christmas gifts. I'm not sure why they had already. I was three days or so before Christmas, they live like in side by side buildings, they see eachother every day. Maybe it's a near death thing.

She told me that Boyfriend Grampa bought her beautiful earrings. They were shaped like hearts - have gold, half silver. THere was a pause after she gave the details. I was supposed to comment ... alot. I did.

I said 'Maybe next time it'll be jewelery for your hand' (hee hee).

She didn't 'hee hee'.

Instead she got all serious like I offended her, which surprised me because her and Boyfriend Grampa were very obviously smitten with each other. I felt bad that I hit a nerve. and was all ready to apologize. She didn't give me a chance.

'No' she said with a brand new tone, 'That won't be happening.' (Slight pause). 'I'll tell you something though, that I haven't told many. We've talked about that.'

Apparently 'that' is a secret word.

She continued ... 'I looked into things and we found out that if we *cough cough* got married, I would lose a thousand dollars a month of your grandfather's pension. IT just wouldn't be worth it'.

I simply replied 'Oh' - since I was really only trying to lighten the conversation (not deplete it from all joy). We finished our conversation and I hung up the phone.

My 'living self' began to go on a tangent. It was all in a tither. 'How could anyone think money is more important than love. Especially at their age.' Keep in mind I'm not a romantic -ey thinker. I kept on.

'They are old. They found love again. They should forget about the money and just get hitched already. If that's what they want they need to go for it! How ridiculous! They must not be that serious. They can't love eachother THAT much. Silly. How silly.'

Then as I was retelling the conversation to Wally I realized something. Gramma's 75. Boyfriend Grampa's 84. (Apparently some of her friends didn't approve ... because of the 'age difference' ... I thought old was old. I guess I was wrong.) He, Boyfriend Grampa, constantly teases that he's living on borrowed time, that he will go any day now so he's going to enjoy havin' a lady. Gramma is full of life. Never been truly sick in her life (other than when everyone else was sick that she was caring for - even that wasn't for long). Gramma could live for another 20 years easy. Statistically she will likely outlive Boyfriend Grampa. If she married him she'd lose virtually 2/3's of her income. If he died, sorry I mean when he dies, she's basically screwed.

I then was very impressed at their forethought on the matter and realized how serious they were about one another. My mother later said that Boyfriend Grampa didn't want Gramma to be put in a situation that could possibly do her financial harm for the future. My heart softened.

As I mentioned before I'm not a romantic-ey person. The only thing I romanticize is life really. You know nothing big. Not like relationships and stuff.

But when I heard about my 75 year old Gramma not feeling freedom to be able to marry her love, I felt romantic. I felt like I was witnessing a real Romeo and Juliet. Except they were 60 years older. And their families approved. Ok so maybe that's a bad comparison. But you know. Love that couldn't fully Blossom, couldn't fully be realized.

It made me sad a little.

Then Gramma said something that made me less sad. She said very practically 'It's ok. He comes over around 3 in the afternoon everyday and stays for supper. We see eachother everyday.' Gramma seemed completely satisfied with the solution.

I got to thinking. Maybe the government with all of it's pension rules knows what it's doing after all.

Keeping love young. Keeping love on fire. Keeping love waiting for the next time it will be encountered.

Well sometimes it's nice to pretend.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Gamma's in love.

I have one Gramma. She's 75. Once upon a time she was married to the same man for all of her life. She had 3 girls who each got married and gave her 6 grandchildren. My Gramma was a church organist for ... lots of years and taught piano for lots of years. Since she was 15 years old. A lot of things in her life stayed the same since she was fifteen. Her job (though it expanded into a family), who she was with (my Grampa) and the area she lived.

Her life went along pretty much the same for 50 plus years. Then almost 8 years ago her middle daughter died. Her daughter was only 44. Gramma lived on, she had to, to take care of my Grampa, my broken hearted Grampa. A few months later Grampa had a stroke and lived in the hospital for 2 months until he had a heart attack and died.

While he was in the hospital Gramma's one son in law had a kidney transplant - that was scary but he made it.

Also while Gramma visited Grampa in the hospital her brother tried to commit suicide. He was unsuccessful. So he was then in the hospital too. She had to take care of her brother's business because no one else would - his wife left him.

During this time Gramma got sick from being tired and working so hard. She went to the hospital too. She got better quick, though the doctor said nothing was wrong, her family knew she was plain worn out.

Finally everyone died (except for her son in law). Gramma could rest. And cry. and live.

The first thing Gramma did was buy pants. She never wore pants before - only in the garden. She bought lots of pants. And wore then, all of the time. Even to church.

Then Gramma, on her 72nd birthday got her ears pierced. She bought lots of earings and wears them.

Gramma came out of her shell. She started hosting Bible Studies, going to every social function there was and became a little much for some of her grandchildren. But she was happy, so they were happy.

A few months ago Gramma got a boyfriend. Her first boyfriend (other than Grampa). He cuddles her, sits close to her, smiles and shares inside jokes with her. He even serenades her - or so she says.

I think he loves her. I think she loves him.

She's happy a lot again.

I'm happy too.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I was thinkin'

Today while I was visiting a friend and using their washroom for a brief minute I had a thought fly threw my head. Actually a few.

I thought: I should have a baby. Like maybe grow one in my womb or something. That's what women my age do. Women with husband's with jobs.

Maybe then I would feel like I was 'on track' with everyone else. Maybe then I would relate better to my friends with babies. Especially the ones that grow them. you know, in their wombs and stuff.

But then I was thinking... The last time I wanted to do that it didn't work out the way I thought it would. Life didn't work out the way I thought it would. It worked out differently. It worked out better.

Then I thought maybe I should just go get a baby. You know from a different country or something. That might be fun. That would be fulfilling a dream for sure. I've always wanted to adopt an adorable little brown baby with big brown eyes. I've dreamed of it since I was fifteen.

But then I thought: that's what infertile people do and I don't know if I qualify yet. That's also what rich people do when they are infertile. Not sure if I qualify for that either. Maybe I'll wait on the brown baby.

Then I reminded myself of something: I don't actually want a baby right now. I reminded myself that babies aren't as romantic as thoughts of babies. I still have some ground to cover and exploring to do before I commit to yet another human being.

So I got thinking ... there's nothing wrong with day dreamin' about my babies. Day dreams are fun. Daydreams are safe. Day dreams don't poop, puke or cry. I can day dream while I journey through the life I have right now. And maybe, just maybe, my day dreams will turn into some sort of reality when I'm not payin' attention. It's happened before.

The detour was worth it too.

Wow. My thoughts were abundant while emptying my bladder.

Who knew?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

21 Questions...

1. Who first discovered snow angels?

2. Why does 21 degrees Celsius seem too hot in the summer (in the house) and not quite warm enough (in the house) in the winter?

3. Why is it that some people seem to live to complain?

4. Why is it that I don't notice when I'm the one complaining?

5. Who made up the word 'teal' ?

6. Who made up words?

7. Why do I get so much joy out of watching my dogs leap through the deep snow and snag mouthfulls of it while they are in the middle of their walk, when neither one of those activities appeal to me?

8. Why is it we allow ourselves to miss old friends who are still alive and living in civilization? (I've heard of this great invention: the telephone)

9. Why is it that alcohol makes some people so much more tolerable and others so much more annoying?

10. How can I feel so sentimental about my family one minute and be ready to strangle the group of them the next?

11. Why don't we make our Christmas cards?

12. How is it possible for people to think it's 'ok' to mail me a Christmas card and not at least write my name at the top of the card - let alone not writing me a personal message? (The nerve!)

13. Why are there glasses for martini's and separate one's for Margarita's?

14. Why don't we reach out to other's more?

15. Why are there so many stinking calories in dip?

16. Why does it seem so crazy to people to throw a gigantic party for no reason?

17. Why doesn't everyone just 'click'?

18. Why do great ideas take so much perseverance to put into action and bad ideas seem so easy?

19. How do they make Ferraro Rochet - the chocolate(sp?)?

20. Why is gaining weight so much easier than losing it?

21. Why I am craving a hot dog with 'the works' right now when I've never had a hot dog with 'the works'?

Something unimportant to think about...


Saturday, January 2, 2010

Over the Edge

Push me.


Just a little nudge is all that it will take. Ok that may be a lie, I'm not sure. It could require a big heave ho (hmmmm spelling heave ho was weird).

So you'd think that beginning my journey to a healthier new year would have started on New Year's Day. It would've made sense but well I like to be different. I like to be valiant and noticeable ... I still had chocolate in the house.

Oh well it's not the end of the world. Something else that has made it a tad difficult to get myself going is trying to figure it all out in my head, that seems to be the thing that really makes the difference in how successful I am at my endeavors.

(Side note: I am getting sooooo frustrated with my typing. One paragraph so far and I've had to edit ti like 10 times. Perhaps some typing lessons should be on my horizon. Grrrrr, there it is again - do I not know how to use a space bar? I think on one post I will leave it unedited just to show how much help I need!)

Anyhoo, moving on.

Going back to 'getting started'. It's interesting when I look back to whenever I have actually succeeded at something seemingly big (at least big for me)- like genuinely encouraging Wally to go back to school, deciding to go back myself, selling the house we had readied for our four children (paint, beds and all) like really life changing things. Every single one of those things just started with a teenie tiny thought. Kind of like a little spark. Some took several months to ignite (well really only the ones that really depending on Wally to agree - ie him quitting his job and going back to school), and others took literally a couple of days (ie me deciding to go to school).

My 40 Day thing happened without any thought really. It was really late at night, I was bloated and binging when I realized I wanted to do something really different and fun for a while.

There's this serge of adrenaline I get just with the thought of doing something new, challenging and unexpected. It's like a rush of joy and anticipation. I got that when I thought of putting on the party. Not because parties are fun, but because parties like the one we're having are out of character for Wally and I. And to be honest in our culture you only have parties like the one we're planning, for a few reasons: you're getting married, you've been married for a long time, you're getting old and if you are REALLY cool you've thought ahead and planned the coolest wake ever with great food and lots of fun (but I've never actually been to one of these , really I was just throwing the idea out there). Wally and I actually thought of adding the line 'This is your get out of funeral free pass' at the bottom of our party invites so that people would take it seriously and come. Let's be real I don't give a rip if you come to my funeral.

Give me a sec I just got lost...

Mmmmmm, ok rush of excitement pushing me over the edge to complete my 'healthy 'goals. Right.

SO I've been trying and trying to figure out where my adrenaline button is for this goal. For some reason there is no part of me (thus far) that has given me excitement beyond reason to push me through. Of course this makes me question my motives and wonder if I truly care. Is this goal completely selfish and vain.

The practical side of me says it's a completely rational goal. I have a closet FULL of clothes that are pleading with me to get with the program.

Funny when I think back to all of the things that have gotten me excited to complete a goal or dream, not one of them had practicality in mind. Practicality I am addicted to and pride myself in, but it has essentially been the one thing I've been breaking free from while doing so many of my 'adventures'. In fact maybe practicality is some thing I should stay away from and leave for another day.

Hmmmm... so if practicality won't motivate me, and the adrenaline button seems to be vacant when it comes to this challenge, what will work?

One thing that really helped me complete (well almost everything) my list of 40 new things was indeed the accountability that this blog lent. I knew I had at least 10 people that followed my journey and were excited to see what was next. With getting healthy though ... well everyone struggles with that. I especially fall short. Do I really want to write about falling short all of the time? Who really wants to hear about the same boring struggle everyday?

I really just need to keep thinking. There is something within every challenge that can bring that adrenaline rush, don't you think. I need to keep brainstorming and see how I can get the rush.

Let me try and sum up what gets me motivated:

* Doing something that people don't expect I would ever do

* Telling people about the unexpected activity

* Giving an account of what doing the activity is like

(Can I just say at this point I am so glad I'm not into weird kinky things ...*giggling*)

* Having a deadline

* Having a defined destination

* Has to be fun and at some point make me laugh

* The more relational to more effective...

Ok Well I now have my thinking cap on and can't wait to figure out where the adrenaline button is hidden. Will listen to any thoughts anyone has.

I'm smiling right now. That's a good thing.