Real life: We're not 17 anymore

That reality has smacked me in the face a few times as of late.

Sometimes it has taken my breath away momentarily. Other times it has left it's ugly sting for several days or even weeks to remind me how fragile life and relationships really are.

Last night I had dinner with a good friend who after much alluding and only with the realization that I could be understanding, did she share that her husband has a porn addiction. Which he's been hiding for their entire relationship that spans a couple years shy of a decade.

In fact he didn't even know it was an addiction until she pointed out that if you can't stop while you're at work you have a problem.

It was difficult to hear her finally pour out the anger, hurt, devastation and betrayal she'd been hiding since she found out six months ago. It is clearly still raw for her and the anger and hurt on the surface.

I sat there letting her vent and trying to only listen and give a few words of my own.

The kicker for me was that at this point her greatest hardship was dealing with her bitterness with her church. Over the fact that one would daren't share their problem. That people better not find out (not so much her caring but more the people that were there that couldn't handle their perceptions being thwarted).

This evenings open conversation of truth comes 6-9 months after another of my friends revealed to another mutual friend and myself that she was having an affair on her husband.

She told us everything. Her faults, her lies, her truth, at least what we knew of.

I remember leaving the coffee shop that night and immediately texting Wally saying 'We need to talk as soon as I get home'. The talk wasn't regarding my friend, it was about us.

A similar conversation took place this evening when I got home.

It was the 'honestly I won't get mad', 'I just want you to tell me', 'if there's a problem can we talk about it' talk.

This hasn't actually been the first time we shared this particular conversation. Another good friend of mine found this out about her husband several years ago and was enraged so really last night was a 'has anything changed from last time' talk.

Some women that may have been deceived already in their lives about their partners actions may think it naive to believe my husband when we tells me his truth. But I'll be honest, his truth isn't always what I want to hear.

When I came home last night Wally was not in much of a mood to chat openly about is deepest thoughts and feelings on such things. Instead I could tell something was wrong, that I couldn't know and that he was upset and frustrated with my questions.

Can I just say that's not exactly what I girl whats to be faced with after a 2 hour conversation with a good friend on the secrets of her mate.

I quickly recognized his behaviour as last fall I had seen the exact same thing and had the exact same pit in my stomach grower deeper every moment of his avoidance.

It was the night after our car accident and we had been on our way home from picking out a new car. We'd put an offer in on a house and were nervously thinking about home ownership again. We were chatting about the finances and how the 'emergency' fund we wanted to have in place this time before buying a house wasn't quite up to snuff. We'd been down the road of owning and fixing up a home and knew the importance of having some savings.

Wally started out by saying: 'There's something I need to talk to you about.'

Eva has butterflies develop from unknown caterpillars. Some thing's wrong with his tone. He's been keeping a secret ... for a while.

Wally: 'I didn't' want to mention anything. Since we're thinking about buying this house I think I have to tell you.'

Eva getting hyper and panicked (what's new?!) 'What's wrong?! Are you losing your job?! Are you sick?!'

*Pause*

'Is there another woman?'

Wally tortures me with explanation (as he always does before getting to the answer): 'A few months ago I got approached to do a contract that would bring in a couple thousand dollars. I took it. During your work weekends and weeknight working I've been working on the contract.'

He continued ... 'I wanted to buy the anniversary band that you've wanted since we got married. I wanted to finally surprise you and have it wrapped up in the Christmas tree on Christmas moring.'

*Pause*

Wally: 'I just think that maybe the money should go in our emergency fund instead if we're buying the house sooner than we planned. I thought you should know about the money.'

Eva: stunned.

Wally: 'I even went to a jewelry store and picked one out. I thought it would be a great surprise .... and there'd be a little extra for me too.' *smiled all coy like*

Eva: 'Wow. That would have been amazing. That is amazing. I can't believe you'd do that for me. Thank you.' (still in shock).

In the end the money went into the emergency fund and there's still no ring but the better gift was hearing the story of how hard Wally had worked to try and give me something rather frivolous that I'd wanted since we picked out our $59 wedding bands.

I'll never forget it.

Last night as I gave give a quick mini interrogation while on hyper sensitive 'my friend just got stabbed in the heart by her husband you better be on the clear pal' alert. I knew we needed to just take the opportunity to chat as we always do when devastating and not so devastating news hits one or both of us.

I had a feeling and a hope that my fears would be averted. So in my first 3 questions I asked:

'Is it your job? Is it your family? Is it a surprise for me that isn't working out?'

He just looked me in the eye and said 'It's fine, don't worry about it.'

Of course after I share with him my evening and time went by he spilled the beans...

He had bought an ipod touch for me on line that got delivered and didn't work. He was going to have to return it. He used his own money to pay for half of it (we give ourselves an allowance each month and he does wheeling and dealing with his gaming stuff and contract work).

I actually hadn't asked for one. In fact when he said he thought I would get a lot out of having one I sort of brushed the idea off. He continued to point out all of the reasons I would love it: our budgeting, my running, my weight training and of course beginning an addiction he had with Bitizens.

Since I was so luke warm on it (because I'm no good with technology at the best of times) he made the decision himself and ordered one to surprise me.

Another one of his tries at a surprise foiled again.

The heart behind the matter wasn't lost on me though.

While I was out prepping myself for a lengthy, honest discussion that could sting a little with truth. Wondering all the while if our marriage was indeed ok, growing and even good, my husband was at home conspiring to finally pull off his first huge surprise of our 10 year marriage.

I told him this morning it didn't matter. Nothing about the ring last year or the ipod thingy yesterday mattered.

When he left for work I was sitting in my writing chair where he usually kneels down to kiss me good bye. This time I stood and met him at the door, skipped the kiss and gave him a two armed tightly squeezed hug and whispered 'Let's be married to each other forever. Promise we'll always talk and we'll always try'.

He whispered back 'I love hearing those words. Absolutely'.

We hugged. He left.

I said 'Thank you'.

This is real life.

Sinking Heart

I just got news yesterday from a friend of mine that made my heart sink all the way down to my feet.

Do you ever get news like that? You know, that just feels like it knocks the wind out of ya.

First of all my friend is not one of those people I'd really ever phone up on the phone, she's someone I go out for lunch with usually around 3 times a year, with her mom. We've known each other pretty much all of our lives but didn't really become 'lunch buddies' until a few years ago when our mutual 'adopted' neighbourly grandmother got ill and passed away. Ever since then we've remained in contact, sort of in her memory.

We do e-mail now and then just to see how the other is doing. Her husband started a career in real estate a few years ago and he sold our house for us. I played the piano at her wedding and I will go to her baby shower. And of course they were/are invited to our party.

I had e-mailed her this past week as it was March Break and that's the regular time that we meet up (as she's a school teacher and my schedule really did go around the school year with my teaching as well). It was last minute so I figured we wouldn't be able to make a date but thought I'd try anyway. The response I received back from her astounded me...

She apologized for not being able to fit in a last minute lunch date as she had already committed to several things on her week off. I completely understood. She then went on to say that she had 4 weeks left of her pregnancy and that things weren't great at their house.

I went on to read that she had just found out that week that her husband had been having an affair with another woman for the past few months.

This is the point in which my heart plummeted to my toes.

An immediate ache came to my chest and I gasped. Muttered a few words of disbelief and just stared at the words on the screen.

I have not e-mailed her back as I could tell by how she typed her e-mail she was in shock. It was very 'matter of fact' and obviously very fresh. Besides what are the perfect words for someone who is 8 months pregnant and just found out her husband had an affair?

Oh yes and there's one more fact I forgot to add: My friend and her husband had a miscarriage three years ago soon after trying to start a family. This was her first pregnancy so as you can imagine it ignited many fears within her about being able to have more children. It then took another 2 1/2 years before she was able to get pregnant again with the baby she is now carrying.

Though every time I hear about a situation like this I tell myself 'wow! you never know!' that feeling soon fades and is replaced by feelings of security and immunity to the dreaded 'we're separated' plague that seems to rear it's ugly head.

I have to admit that this hit me even harder yesterday as Wally and I have been having a particularly challenging time with one another lately. I'd be lying if I denied that I have dreamed now and then about what it would be like to be able to pursue life single.

It's so easy to get carried away in whatever you are doing or chasing. For me a new job, planning a party, and trying to stay on top of life at home. For Wally getting used to a new job as well, doing a website every spare second to pay for this party, and adapting to his ever changing wife you wants to experience every little thing that pops up in life and who rarely wants to wait for him to catch up.

Last night as we laid in bed and briefly discussed my friend's heartbreaking dilemma (to put it lightly). I asked Wally if he ever worried that we would break up. Now I have to be honest again. We discuss this every now and then at a very honest level. We are not the types to deny our humanity in the name of our faith and say things like 'this will never happen to us'. We believe the moment you put yourself in a place (at least in your mind) of being better than everyone else, or immune to human problems you are most susceptible.

I was assuming he would say 'Yes I worry about it sometimes ...' and I thought he may bring up my ever on going need to run around to and fro. Then he would finish with 'But I know we keep working on things and talk to eachother and as long as we do that we'll be fine.'

Instead his response was 'Yes. All of the time.' He may have even had an 'everyday' in there because the way he said it would've knocked me down had I not already been laying in bed.

I was shocked and of course grilled him a bit but I could not change his answer nor did he care to defend himself. This was followed by silence that told me he did not want to talk further about it - flags of the red persuasion were flying high.

This whole thing reminds me of how incredibly fragile marriage is and how something that once seemed strong and invincible can grow frail quickly when you are not paying attention.

It seems like just when life seems to be going ok something pops up to remind you that great things don't happen on their own. When you see a couple that's been married for 50 years they weren't immune to life's challenges, they grew through them. It does not mean they did not face infidelity, separation perhaps at some point, misunderstanding, broken hearts, grief, broken dreams, financial hardship or illness. It means they worked through them one by one not denying they existed but rather looking at them and being real about what they were feeling.

I find the hardest thing about life and about marriage is that no matter what you've gone through, unless you are dead, the lessons you've learned will be tested again and sometimes again. You are never done.

That's so frustrating especially if you only 'barely passed' the last test on it.

Right now Wally and I have some work to do. Some understanding that needs to happen. Because though we may change from the people we once were and even in some aspects what we believe. I know beyond a doubt that whether I stay with him or leave I will not find a better mate for me at this time in my life. Not because he's the perfect 'one' for me, I'm not sure I believe in that. But because I believe he's the best person in the world right now that can carve me into the best me right now. I know that if I chose to leave him for someone or something else I'd never be able to be the best me there was.

Every one is different and I respect that. If I were in my friend's position I have no idea what I would do. I pray that I'm never in that place but realize that no one is immune from their humanity or that of those around them.

Pray for my friend.

Pray for me.

Pray for my Wally.

You don't need to be on the brink of divorce or tragedy to ask for a little help.

He stole my book!!

So I'm reading this book. I'm almost done. It only took me a couple of days to read most of it and now that I'm near the end I don't want to finish it. Not because it's a bad book. Not because I'm bored with it. But because it's so relatable (apparently that's not a word) to me I don't want it to be over.

It was funny, I was out with Smoky Mama and Pumpkin (my in laws) on our annual Christmas craft show and dinner date, when we were in a Christian book store.

Anyhoo, we were in the store and I notice a new book by a best selling author whom I've bought books by before. Some people love him, others probably wouldn't join his marketing team. I bought his 3 in 1 book and only got 2/3rds of the way through one of the books. The best seller.

I'm not sure what exactly made me think this book would be any different. I think it was the fact that initially I thought the book was written by a different author with a similar thought pattern and I got them mixed up. I pull the book off of the shelf take it over to Smoky Mama and say 'I wouldn't mind this for Christmas. It's on sale!'

We always let eachother be completely thoughtful when gift giving. Never make lists or demand anything. Always handmade. I was trying to be subtle, you know?

I went to put the book back where I got it from and Smoky Mama yells 'Well bring it over! This will help me get started'. I took it to her in mild disbelief and felt a tad guilty for bringing it up. We briefly argued about her getting the book right then. We didn't use our fists though. She bought the book. I pretended to forget and was very excited when I opened it Christmas Eve.

Did I mention I had no real idea what the book was about? Yeah, I just knew it was more of a self reflective book about the author 'editing' his life or something. It sounded like his life got better in the end and I thought to myself: 'He's a best selling author and needed his life to get better. I'm ... well ... me. I suppose there's always room for improvement. Heck, maybe I'll finish it.'

I soon got reading the book and realized that this author had beautifully articulated so many of my thoughts on life. It was so cool to read something that in essence I feel like I could've written myself.

Then I got wondering if he had secret powers to get into my head and steal my thoughts. Then I realized that I wasn't a best selling author, didn't try and write a movie, and well could never have written this book. Relief ... I wouldn't have to sue.

The book was about writing your own story in life. That the power to write it is within your control (how you are going to deal with life and stuff). He doesn't say that you can avoid cancer by thinking certain thoughts, but that you can choose how you are going to make your cancer story go. How you are going to live it.

I completely related to what Don was saying (we're on a first name, abbreviated basis. Don't be jealous you can read the book too), when he spoke of creating a meaningful story in your life. I feel like this has been the exact lesson I've been learning during the past 7 years. I've been discovering that it's not your personality that determines what kind of live you have, it's what you chose to do with the life you have been given.

I used to day dream (and still do) about the kind of person I've always wanted to be. When I was young my birthday wishes, as far back as I can remember, were to be beautiful. When I was an overweight 10 year old that meant physical beauty. As I grew up that dream didn't change. My thoughts of being 16 years old were that of a beautiful girl. I wanted that. I believe I became that - though I'd never say that at the time. I had a pure heart for God. A sincere desire to do whatever He wanted. Love for my family and friends. I was a decently attractive young lady. Not a model, not a size 6, but I took care of myself.

As I have grown older I have had more day dreams. This time more about my life and who I really am. I have grown and changed , not all for the good. When I realized after my aunt died that you truly only have one life to live and God does not always intervene to save it (at least not in the physical sense), I realized that I was the one who would have to do something about it. A huge turning point for me was when Wally was unemployed and we hadn't gotten pregnant- at that point were a bit relieved about this. But I was looking at my life and I saw that no one was going to magically walk in and grant all of my wishes. I wasn't just going to go to bed one day and wake up the next as a stay at home mom. My husband wasn't going to magically be all that I needed him to be. I needed to put some work into it.

That's when I feel that I became an author. Re-writing my story. Wally did too. The thing that makes it easiest for me to 'write' my story is reminding myself what kind of person, or as Don would say 'character', I would like to be. I think that I unintentionally did this and held on for dear life with it. I kept running into people in my life here and there that showed me glimpses of what it looked like to truly LIVE a real life. There weren't very many at first. But as I kept writing and living and trying to be open to plot changes our story began to take some fun twists and turns.

I was out with a friend of mine the other day for coffee. I was telling him how looking back recently over the past 2 years I'd been in school how much I could see a difference in mine and Wally's relationship. How I was starting to see how Wally is becoming the man that I have always wanted him to be. That sounds selfish but it's true. Of course when we married Wally and I were best friends (sorry for the cliche but it's the best way I can describe it). We had eachother's backs, loved the same things, cheered eachother on - life had an ease. Then when life happened we changed quickly and found it more difficult to continue to put the other first, it's wearing after a while.

I have been able to witness God changing our hearts slowly but beautifully. There was a point in time I didn't want to be married to Wally any more, he was not the person that I wanted to raise a family with. I waited a long time to tell him this. I was ashamed and didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was still my friend. I told him though. I told him how I felt. I told him I wouldn't leave him physically because I made a promise. But I did tell him that I didn't want to have children any longer with him and that really we'd just live in the same house if something didn't change. I loved him but not like that.

Some men would take off after hearing this, or say mean things back. Wally didn't. Wally cried and apologized. I cried and hoped things would get better. Within a couple of months Wally got a job. He worked on a pig farm without hesitation. His focus was me. His heart was me. He did anything for me. After that I knew he was real. I knew he was a keeper.

Wally worked at 2 pig farms for almost 3 years without ever complaining about doing it. Then it was my turn. To do anything for him. I told him I was ready for him to go to school. He protested, worried that I wasn't ready for it. I thought about it a bit longer. Then I told him I was ready. I was. A great character would do that in a good story. A great character would love her husband that much.

Well I did and soon after when I went to Wally and told him I'd love to go back to school he didn't even hesitate. We bought a backpack and off I went. Wally was a great character in my story. I am really liking how things are being written.

Anyways, you know how things have ended up since. Struggles remain but in the end I see myself in the middle of an epic novel. Writing your story is very cool. Way better than succumbing to someone else’s.

My hope is that I never stop writing, that I never give up trying to become an admirable character. I want my character to be strong, funny, deep, wise, full of love, real and … know karate.

Time to settle down?

So the other day I walked into the gym and when I opened the door I was met by my least favourite gym worker. She’s a spunky, short, blonde haired (with some help) lady who initially was my favourite. What happened you ask? I talked to her.

I actually hadn’t seen her for quite a while as I was going in at a different time than usual (or not at all, who am I kidding?) She immediately asked how I was doing, and how my family out east was (I don’t have any family out east), then we got chatting.

She randomly asked me how long I’d been married. I replied ‘8 years.’ She gave me a ‘You’re too young to be married 8 years’ look. And I replied with ‘I was 21 and indeed too young to have gotten married.’

Well the look of shock that then struck her face was priceless. It was as if she was waiting for me to announce my divorce (or that my husband and I kept things together through a neighbourhood swingers club – and I don’t mean the dancing kind).

Before I could let her answer my retort I explained that I had a great guy that helped make it work. All was good. She asked ‘You really think you were too young?’ I nodded and then said I wasn’t a proponent of people getting married young. She replied with ‘But if you want to have children, blah, blah, blah’. Then she went on to tell me that her 26 year old daughter STILL wasn’t married or in a long term relationship. Still? I said ‘26 eh? She’s still a baby! She’s got lots of time. And if she’s happy then what does it matter.’ This lady wouldn’t give up. ‘She’s not happy though; she’s dated lots of guys and just can’t seem to find the right one. She wants to have children someday and let’s face it, every woman has a clock.’ Something gave me the impression that this mama was the unhappy one here.

I hate a conversation that gets to this point, when you realize that you are obviously not actually a part of it. You know, when you are talking but no one is listening, you are really just there to here the other person’s woes. Don’t get me wrong, some woes need to be heard. The ones that make you go: ‘Ok so my life’s not bad after all’, or ‘Wow, I could learn something from this person’. To be honest if I were feeling overly kind and thoughtful I could probably squeeze out some sort of lesson, but really I just wanted to share mine.

It seems to me that when I share my views on the young people marrying, many who push it immediately get offended. Offended for themselves (as many of the ones who here me say this have married young), offended for Wally (how dare his wife have the gall to say she regrets getting married to such a peach of a guy), and offended that I would basically say that we should all wait until our eggs and swimmers are nearly expired before we commit to someone.

Ok so first off I want people to realize that it is the most honest part of me that is revealing this – I really should be more guarded with my thoughts and feelings. But why? I’m sure there are others out there that wish they’d waited but don’t say it for the reasons I mentioned above. They worry about people doubting their love for their spouse and the life they have. When I say I wish I’d waited it really has little to do with the person I chose to spend my life with and a lot to do with the fact that marriage is a super serious commitment that involves a lot of thinking about the other person. For example, I have always wanted to travel and do mission work, Wally does not share that same desire (at least not the travelling kind). I have to choose how much I care for one over the other. It doesn’t necessarily mean I give up one and chase down the other, it means carefully and prayerfully considering how to balance the two together.

You see when Wally and I got married we thought we had everything figured out. We thought we knew who we were and how we’d live and everything. Then, as I mentioned in my last post, my world got flipped upside down and I felt challenged and even convicted to LIVE the life I was given (Wally too). The old dreams I had suddenly came alive again. I wanted to go back to school, my desire to travel became more apparent and so much more. These things I’d ‘put away’ when we married. I thought they were for single life, not for people that are ‘settled’. In some ways doing those things aren’t for ‘settled’ people at all and that’s exactly why I want to do them. Why is it that when you get married all of a sudden you are expected stop seeking out perspective on the world?

Proof of this expectation to ‘settle’ has just recently become more apparent to Wally and I as many people we have run into from where we used to live have asked when school was going to be done for us. When we tell them that in 6 months we’ll both be done they are so excited for us. They exclaim: ‘The time will go by fast!’ (Um, who said I wanted it to?), ‘You’ll be so glad to have it done and over with!’ (Really? I kind of like school), and my favourite: ‘Soon you can settle down and get on with life!’ (EEK!! Really? Oh no! I was really hoping this was all the beginning of something new!).

For the record … I know beyond a doubt that God has a plan for Wally and I, that it was Him that drew us together and Him that has kept us together (along with our commitment to our marriage). I do not regret marrying Wally, however if I knew then what I know now I may have tried to experience a few more things BEFORE walking down the aisle, just because it would have been easier to do practically. HOWEVER with that being said, I completely understand that it is possible that there may be reasons why we got married when we did and that my life could be totally different if I hadn’t followed what I felt God was really leading me towards.

I guess I feel so passionate about this whole thing because I know that so many young couples don’t have the benefit of having two sets of committed parents (as Wally and I do), they see marriage as a romantic endeavor (fortunately Wally and I never really did and I think that helped A LOT), and they fail to realize that life can alter every part of who you are without you wanting it to (this we were NOT aware of and we sometimes are surprised we stuck it out this far).

So back to what I had originally started this off with… I think a key for people in our situation, who want to live daily a life of openness to God’s leading and revealing of the very cool and very challenging is not ‘setting down’ and saying ‘Ok I’ve done what I was asked to do (whether it’s getting married, having kids, selling your house and going back to school, or whatever it may be) I can sit back, relax and get on with my own plans now’. Instead it’s continuing to use and stretch that muscle of experience - keep trying new things, keep meeting new people, keep seeing through new perspectives. It is saying and living: ‘What do you want to do next God? Should I go or should I stay? Do I build a home here or do you want me to travel with a tent? What is your call for me TODAY?’

It's never time to settle down.