Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Bachelorette

I'm a Bachelor for a couple of days.

Well, only for tonight and the rest of tomorrow. Wally was told on Monday that he would be sent out of province for today and tomorrow. He got up at 4am to drive a couple of hours to the airport to catch his flight, while I stayed in bed (until 15 minutes after he'd left, then i couldn't stand it anymore and I got up).

I discovered that I would be a very good typical bachelor.

I ordered in tonight. I came home to a huge pile of dishes. Half dirty, half clean. I've continues to leave clothes strewn about (at one point I had to shimmy into a corner of our rec room in the basement in order to change into my pjs I'd abandoned there this morning. I didn't really want our neighbours to watch.

I forgot to feed the dogs tonight. Neglected walking them, yet I have let them play in the yard.

I turned up the furnace to 19 degrees Celsius AND have the fireplace on full blast.

I have kept all of Wally's rules about leaving a certain number of lights on and keeping the doors locked tight.

In classic girl fashion I bought some pre made cookie dough to consume in moderation before actually baking some. It's 9:45 pm and they just got out of the oven. that's the kind of bachelor (ette) I would be.

I'm pretty sure I'm currently harvesting a tapeworm. Hope he's warm.

I never lived on my own before Wally and I got hitched so I'm choosing to look at this as fun. The only other time I've really had without Wally around was the first year we were married and he went to a 10 day leadership thingy in Illinois. I wasn't able to enjoy that to it's fullest potential at that point.

Don't get me wrong. I miss him. But sometimes, when you know the missing will result in enjoying later on, it's ok.

When no one took the bate right away on my facebook invite for dinner and a chat I ordered my food and settled in with the DVD copy of 'Eat, Pray, Love' I had asked for for Christmas.

I have to admit, the old truth of 'the book is better than the movie' is certainly true with this one as well however there is something about the movie that hits me differently everytime I see it.

I dont' particularly love the movie. There are parts of it I find ... kind of dirty (not in a sexual way) and gooey (not in a mushy way). I don't know. It's just weird.

BUT in saying all this I have to say again, there's something about it.

It could be that it takes me back to when I was reading the book. The fact that I read it during my 'retreat' back in June (you could check out what I learned if you go back to mid June posts - I'm not capable yet of putting in a link).

Though I loved the book and didn't want it to end, it didn't have any particular connection, per say to what I learned on my retreat. About my realizing I am called to be a mom. (Doesn't sound all that remarkable but discovering it was for me).

What I find a little interesting is that when I saw the movie in the theatre something at the end DID hit me surrounding what I learned on my retreat.

It was the part when Liz is with Ketut and he is telling her something to the affect of 'Losing balance is part of ...' oh shoot! I can't remember exactly and I can't find my book!

Well, it was something about loosing the balance she was wanting to cling to, being love and life. (I really messed that up but I think that was sort of the gist).

It struck me right then in the theatre about my fears of becoming a mother and how so many of them were rooted in the fact that I wouldn't be able to be me, to pursue new things, to go places, meet people and just be creative.

In saying that now I realize that's exactly what motherhood is but I don't want to settle for 'average'. I want the best 'us' we can be.

Anyhoo, I realized that I was trying to hold onto a 'balance' or something without realizing that by letting go I would gain so much more in life and love. It was my little ... wake up moment.

Tonight however, things were a bit different.

I watched the movie and resonated with something else. Something much earlier in the movie.

After the movie came out I remember hearing many people (who hadn't read the book) say how selfish they perceived the author to be. It's hard for me to be objective as I read the book and had a different point of view.

Seeing as I really identified with Elizabeth Gilbert in her heartache over her marriage, her desire to explore, her hope to find perfect balance, I was completely offended.

She was me. I was her. Like many women my life has felt out of control, turned out far from what I had planned and the disappointment of it had landed heavily in the middle of my heart.

I felt what she was feeling, whether selfish or not, I knew, to some degree her distress.

Back to tonight's viewing.

As I watched through most of the first half of the movie I was moved in a different way. This time I remembered the sadness and despair I felt in the past but no longer identified with it as a present emotion. This time I was looking back, rather than in a mirror.

How could that much change in a few months? I don't know. I may be making it out to sound worse than it was last summer when I saw the movie for the first time. I just remember feeling it to some degree.

This time I noticed it but felt the gratitude for the diversities in our husbands, or maybe even in ourselves. I was thankful that though I'd spent many a nights lying in bed frustrated and scared that the marriage I had was all there was and worried that I would not experience fuller love and a deeper respect than I did at that time. I was so sad at how life had changed us both.

I've mentioned this a couple of times in the last few days and dont' mean to sound like a broken record but it needs to be said: people can grow, they can change, maturity and love can come out of the least likeliest of places.

Back when I was a young girl my dream guy was someone who was self confident, capable, smart, strong, sensitive, respectful, caring, a man of integrity who longed to provide and enjoy a family.

For many years I did not have that in it's fullest state. To be honest I don't think I was mature or ready enough to receive that out of a man.

Over the past few weeks, out of what seems to be nowhere, I have noticed my dream man enter my life. I feel as though so much of it is connected to our Thailand trip to come but at this point I'm not sure how.

it's kind of funny how you often plan and intend for something to give you one thing and you end up getting something entirely different instead.

I'm a little anxious to see how this trip will change both Wally and myself. As well as Wally and Eva together.

I don't think I'm entirely prepared.

But then again, I don't think I'm supposed to be.