Thursday, March 17, 2011

A roller coaster ride.

I'm going to warn you in advance that the following MAY or MAY NOT sound like a bitchfest. Feel free to quit reading now if you'd like.

Though I must keep in perspective all things that are happening in the world like tsunamis, hunger, disease, displacement, and a myriad of other horrible things that I'm not experiencing, at the same time I will selfishly go on to vent about my ultimately NOT big problems (in the grand scheme of the world) but what have accumulated to being a snowball of strife in my life this week.

The best way I can describe it in one word is: roller coaster.

Basically about 4 or 5 small to medium stressors have joined their forces to try and push me over the edge. Essentially, they have been successfull.

I struggle often with knowing what to share, with knowing how much I want people whom I know but don't necessarily know are reading, to know. At 3:30am I don't care, so here she goes...

The 'Bank Fiasco' ensued. A continued cat and mouse game of back and forth calls, getting 'You're taxes are late!!' notices (after dealing with it already once a month ago - AND being promised all would be fine). Combined with improper mortgage payments. Combined with what I will further elaborate on...

The 'Nasal Conundrum'. I woke up Tuesday morning with a steam engine coming out of my left nostril (as mentioned before), paired with a constant drip out of the same fore mentioned nostril, causing me to have to blow my nose 45 000 times a day. Now my ears are plugged, my throat has gone from sore to scratchy and I seem to be choking on everything. I don't know what that's about.

The 'Sleep Deprivation From Hell' Episodes (the 'it's not from having a newborn' variety). I think it's been 6 of the last 7 days of disturbed sleep for reasons mentioned above and ones still to come. I believe this one is the root of most evil that binds the rest of the problems together and turns me into the scariest human on earth. Or at least one with questionable sanity.

The 'The Trip's Off!!' saga. Due to vast differences in beliefs in what is safe Wally and I have had numerous disputes resulting in psychotic episodes of crazy cry-yelling (on my part) and moments of absolute despair on both of our parts, each wondering 'WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS?!'. I think 3 different issues have arisen where the trip (yes even AFTER purchasing the tickets) has almost been vetoed.

The 'Oh My Goodness We're Pregnant!!!' drama. Something that has contributed to each of the other series in some manner, making them more dramatic and intense than they normally would have been. Only to find out that we are NOT pregnant. There are many mixed emotions surrounding this. Ultimately we see how it is the best thing by far right now (especially with the trip), and it was not 'in the plan' (but really, what great things are ever 'in the plan'). Needless to say this was the bumpiest part of the ride.

The 'Just-in-case-I-won't-take-drugs-for-anything' Dilemma. I think this is self explanatory.

And finally, the 'Traveling Across the World!' situation. Foreign experience, foreign language, foreign money, foreign everything which then equals two edgy people. Although I will admit I seem far more relaxed than I probably should be. (Wally asks me at least a couple times a day: 'Aren't you scared?' to which I say 'If I stop and really think about it yes. So I don't stop and really think about it. We'll be fine.') He shouldn't be worried, he's thought of everything from registering us with the government for traveling, to money belts (thank God he gave up on the fanny pack!), to printing out and handing me a 'what to do if you get incarcerated' form. I believe the last thing was just for me.

Each of these things on their own would likely be manageable and not that big of a deal (except the sleep, it always turns things bad), but together they have been a mini nightmare.

I said to Wally last night 'I've never had to fight so hard for something before'. It seems the more you want something the harder it is to get.

I always think of couples involved in hard core fertility treatments and wonder 'Wow, I could never do that. I just don't want my own biological baby bad enough. Why put yourself through it? Just give up and adopt one.' But, the same could be said for me 'Why do you have to have to go across the world to learn from the needy? (As I say that I MUST add that I use that term in reference to how the world as a whole looks at financially poor people not necessarily how I view their value). Why not learn from the ones in your own city?

I don't know. I just feel like stepping out of the culture hits you differently. I want to be hit differently. In a way maybe I couldn't learn on my own here and now, but maybe could better on and after the trip. (Who knows, I'm just guessing).

I honestly didn't really realize how deeply the desire was for this trip until after I thought I was pregnant and realized risks that would be associated IF I acquired some disease like Malaria. I didn't care. Not one bit. I still wanted to go with faith that I'd be just fine. Not caring that I could have a baby physically less able (although this is a risk anytime, anywhere) if I went and did catch something. (Not that it would mean the end of the world but why do something that you know affects more than yourself and puts someone at risk when they don't need to be).

I didn't care. I could only see my dream. My goal. Of experiencing something that will hopefully change my life, throughout the rest of my life.

I know it's good to have faith, it's also good to have sense. I'm not sure which would have won.

Luckily, in my opinion I don't have to worry about this issue now and I can go freely and hopefully with joy.

I'm a little sad that this week has been so negative and full of ups and downs. Wally said to me last night that maybe it was so that by the time we got on the plane I'd love every minute of the very long flights because it was away from those things that stressed me out and it would finally give me a chance to be excited. 2 days traveling is a long time to have just be excited.

My prayer is that my nose engine dies and that tomorrow night and the night after I sleep like a baby and wake up rejuvenated and ready to make the trip.

It's funny, at this point I don't even know what to expect from it. I don't even really know why we're going. I'm not sure we'll be of much use. People assume we are going to serve and of course we really hope that we can at any capacity. However, to be honest, I'm going for me. Just me.

I'm going to be changed (I hope). I'm going to learn. I'm going to experience. I'm going to see. I'm going to hopefully be jolted into reality and reminded of what life is all about. I'm going to get more than give. I have no doubt the people there have far more to offer me than the other way around. I have no assumptions of the contrary.

I ask you again to pray (or whatever you do). For healing of my body and of my soul. For perspective and joy. For Wally and I to remember again why we chose each other 10 years ago next week. For renewed love for the One that gave me this dream.

I'm one work day away.

Let it be filled with wonder just as a reminder that the trip is extra not essential to my learning.

You know, so I come back.

At least for a while.