Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A New Year's a Comin'

Well I guess it's that time when I like to reflect upon the past year and look ahead at the year to come.

Here is the end of my 2009 summary:

If I were to sum up 2009 into one word I would have to say it is: RELATIONSHIPS. That is what I feel like the year has been all about. Establishing, growing, weeding out and the evolving of relationships with new and old friends alike. It has been incredibly cool to start this blog and feel connected to people near and far. To help actually make friends through strangers - what a gift.

My hope is that 2010 holds adventure, excitement, love, growth, healing and even more building of relationship in new and different ways.

Every year I look ahead and wonder what the year to come will look like. Will it be full of change? Will I be living where I am now? Will those closest to me still be alive and well? Will I still have my health? Will I have children in the coming year? Where will I travel to, if at all? Who will I laugh with and build fun memories with? What will those memories hold? How can I make this year even better than the last? That is a question I really wonder about. I honestly feel so blessed (sorry for the cliche) at the fact that I truly feel like I am living my life that I can't possibly have a better year than I just had. But I will because I am determined to live connected and open to seeing whatever God is up to.

I find it interesting that I thought 2009 was full of RELATIONSHIPS because if I were describe 2010 it would be the same thing. I feel as though I was, for lack of a better word, blessed with so many new friendships, most of which came by surprise. Though Wally and I struggle very much to establish 'couple friends' (this is something we'd really like to change but are unsure as to how exactly, I'm sure it seems like a no brainer but it's hard when we're so different from eachother), I have been lucky to connect with several people that have encouraged me in my journey. I am so grateful.

Without further a due (sp?) here's what happened in 2010 ....

* In January both Wally and I began new full time jobs in our fields of study. There aren't words to express how exciting it was to get employment right out of school in what we wanted to do!

* January through April I worked diligently on the party of the decade with various different friends that made it so possible. From the hand made invitations, to the quotes that were cut out and sticky tacked to the walls of the auditorium, no detail was left behind. The prep for the party was easily equal to that of a wedding reception.

* In March we celebrated 9 years of marriage together by escaping to a little bed and breakfast (some of our favourite places to go) for the weekend. Time flies!

* In April we finally had our big fat party to celebrate life and those who have come and gone through ours. I made my speech of a lifetime and did my best to let people know how much their presence in our lives meant to us, whether it was long or short. I then danced the night away (even though the DJ was less than stellar).

* Also during the weekend of the party one of my closest friends surprised me by flying in from the other side of HER country just for the weekend to show me how much I meant to her. There aren't words to say how much I loved that she did this and to be honest I think I had more fun the night before the party when her and I went out for the night, I think for the first time since we were out of high school. It was an amazing gift!

* In June Wally and I celebrated a week of graduations with each of us walking across that stage to get our college diplomas, something that meant alot to us as we had really sacrificed our comfort, familiarity, our house and all we knew to do so. It was a very special time.

* Also in June I took a week off to just break from the business of my new job, and went on a three day two night retreat which really challenged and renewed my thoughts on motherhood. A good time of relaxing, thinking and renewing.

* June was a busy month as I also decided that it was never too late to celebrate a birthday and I threw my own 30th birthday party consisting of 2 dear friends that embraced my fun! The night was dedicated to #28 (the thong challenge) on my last 40 day adventure.

* Sometime I believe in July Wally was in a fender bender that resulted in his car being written off and us having to buy another. Fortunately we used our wisdom and were able to purchase one out right.

* By the end of August Wally and I have completed 6 months of personal training with Dee (our amazing trainer). We had both increased our muscle mass and lowered our body fat by .... a lot. Resulting in both of us losing between 35-40 pounds. We changed our eating quite a bit and now feel free from the fear of obesity and a life of ill health resulting from a negative lifestyle. A HUGE accomplishment for us. (Though it can be a battle).

* It was early September when I committed to raising $10 000 for Compasio, the organization Wally and I are visiting next year. With much help from friends I believe we will do it!

* October held much excitement as we decided to start house shopping (which was supposed to be for fun) and in turn we ended up car shopping as we were hit by another car while actually out looking at houses with our agent. This time it was my car (that we'd just bought in March) but we made it through and got another one that was exactly the same only a yr older.

* The same weekend we bought my replacement car we purchased our house! An expensive 24 hrs for sure!!!

* In December we moved into our house and out of the retirement village just in time for Christmas (exactly 2 weeks before!).

All in all it has been an eventful year for sure. Not all events were welcomed but all were teachers. This would likely be a great time to talk about what I'd love to see in 2011 but I think there's enough for a whole other post on that so I'll share that separately.

If you think your life is boring try writing it out like this, it'll show you really what's been going on, things you can be proud of or maybe things you should work on. I hope you found 2010 to be a good teacher to help you know how better to deal with the ever changing life we share!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Fears of Fraudulance

I'm torn about what to write about. Do I share what's weighing on my heart or do some housekeeping?

Well since this is a personal blog and not the end of the year books for the tax guy I think I'll go with what's been on my heart...

I've shared many a times about my desire to be a mother, the long waiting period it is seeming to take to get there, our 'we didn't try but we didn't not try stage, our desire to adopt and my inward struggle to be totally fine with every possibility and how long it takes to get where ever.

While Wally and I detoured our lives towards school in hopes of making them better for any future people living in our home I found it really easy to be satisfied with not being a mom, not sharing the most exciting news anyone wants to here, and not even considering much when such news should be shared. Now that it has been a year since school has finished, we are both working, just bought a house and now the 'hmmmm when's a good time to get this kid thing on the go?' question is popping up.

Of course right now we are also in the middle of planning our trip to Thailand to work with Compasio (really probably just be more in the way of Compasio), and raising the $10 000 I committed a few months ago to raise, we do have one distraction.

However my time of naturally accepting 'whatever life gives us' in the realm of a family is, I'm noticing, seeming to be coming to an end. How do I know?

Exhibit #1: A co-worker and I were working together to advocate for someone we both support to go on a trip and she begins using phrases such as 'If I'm pregnant then I'll just volunteer to go on the trip with her', and 'Um yeah, don't tell anyone but I am pregnant!', following by the official announcement (which is of course made on facebook).

During that time I receive only twinges of 'Oh wow, you're pregnant. Hmmmm, we're the same age. You already have one kid. You JUST got married. I don't have any and I've been married for almost 10 years. But that's great for you, congratulations.' (I am secretly lying a little but trying to believe I'm above lying). At one point she also said 'if I can't go on the trip next Dec (because of the new baby) will you go?' Because of course I won't have any...)

Exhibit #2: A girl that I mentored a bit years ago, whom always seemed waaaaay younger than I has a baby and is sharing the facebook love about the baby often. The baby is beautiful and perfect.

I have began to consider 'hiding' this person ONLY because of my own selfish 'I want a little person to love and for my life to seem perfect!' notions. And it seems a tad torturous to here about hers. Even though I SHOULD be overjoyed for her as she is an incredibly lovely girl and no doubt great wife and mommy.

Exhibit #3: My cousin (who again is younger than I and married for less years - yeah I don't know why this part matters but apparently in my head there are invisible rules), and his wife are expecting a baby any day. Finally, after seven years and 'Eva and Wally being married for 10 childless years', another great grand baby is on it's way. My cousin is a very excited and proud first time daddy (if I wasn't holding a stick up my butt I'd likely think this was rather endearing, seeing as the stick is clearly lodged where it shouldn't be I am ridiculously annoyed by all of it).

His wife experienced a lot of sickness in the first few months and openly complained about wanting the pregnancy to be over. I openly reminded her how lucky she was to be able to feeling EVERYTHING that it meant to be pregnant (Can't say it was hard for me to say seeing as I was not the one puking my guts out).

I could go further on about the jealously I sadly hold over these two as they've been married the perfect amount of time to have a child (5 yrs), they have a lovely home that is paid for (thanks to my aunt's passing and my uncle's incredible generosity), they've gone on probably 10 cruises in their relatively short marriage (showing they realize the sacrifice children will bring - ok so that's what I tell my self), and they both have their dream jobs that incidentally bring in substantial bread to eat (like raisin, pizza, whole grain, etc.). Perfect.

Needless to say this has been my biggest challenge to get over within myself. I swear every time I think of them and their life I turn into this horrible jealous monster. I'm really glad there aren't mirrors for the spiritual world - I'd be so ugly.

In conclusion, my evidence clearly shows that I am officially faking being satisfied with not fulfilling my longtime 'calling' of being a mom. I am starting to feel as though I would fit right in on an infertility blog (something which I don't like - no offense to infertility blog writers or readers but SOME of those blogs become pity parties rather than 'ok so let's make a plan of attack and take more joy out of it than I could have ever out of what I thought I wanted'). No doubt I'm running from the thing I dislike within myself the most. Shockingly I'm very far from perfection (I know, I hope you didn't fall off of your chair).

Sooooooooo, now what?

Well I'll be honest. Wally and I are both a little nervous to become pregnant before traveling abroad to a place so foreign and so not Canada. Who knows maybe the very first shot out of the gun would be a perfect target. So we've decided to begin the long arduous steps of the adoption process.

It's funny I don't feel old enough, responsible enough, rich enough, good enough or ready enough to make that phone call. I will admit that I fear the Social Worker will talk us out of it, or into more than we can handle. I fear we will get closer and realize everyone's belief's are true and the children from the system are 'too damaged' for us to handle. I fear the additional negative comments that we will get regarding adoption that doesn't include an infant. I fear making the announcement that we are parents only to see the disappointment that the child isn't genetically 'ours'.

I think though what I fear most is that I will get pregnant in the middle of the adoption path and realize I've been faking my desire to adopt the whole time in efforts to cope and that I am indeed a complete fraud.

However, despite my fears, despite my unreadiness in many ways, I know it's time to at least begin to take steps in some kind of direction and see where we go.

I think I may be blogging more this year ...

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Well I haven't had an 'up in the night' night since we moved but it IS Christmas. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. For a couple of reasons: hello, it's Christmas, who can sleep on Christmas? And I have a sugar hangover from lastnight's sweet fest.

I'm not sure why this year I can't sleep as Wally and I agreed not to purchase any gifts for eachother since we just bought the house (and enough paint to monetarily equal an eighth of our down payment).

Generally we are very creative gift givers. We've always given ourselves a very strict budget to work with since most Christmases we've had together we have not been financially .... um .... well ... let's just say extraordinary (although saying this I know we've always always had what we've needed which is far better than most in this world).

It's only been in the past couple of years we've really felt the fun of shopping for eachother (that being said our budget went from between $25 and $50 to $100 super extravagant for us!!). We have maintained no matter what we have had to shop with that thoughtfulness be the priority and we're both pretty good at that (especially Wally).

I've learned that clearly the anticipation of gifts isn't everything to me but the cherished time we spend together in the early morning of Christmas day with only the tree lights, the doggies, and two well made mugs of hot chocolate in our hands means so much more.

In years past we've written eachother letters (love letters I suppose), a couple of which have been framed and hang in our computer area. Words encouraging one another in the year to come and the endeavors that were anticipated and the faith we shared in eachother's abilities.

This year I told Wally that I thought it'd be fun to share the top ten moments we had together in 2010 as our gift, hopefully something we'll chat about.

I have to mention the richness I feel right now. I'm sitting in our 'upstairs' living room with our new electric fireplace blazing (I'm going to sound spoiled but I have come to almost need a fireplace - I think it's sort of like therapy for me). We have two bedrooms waiting to be filled (and painted) with little ones. We have an empty room in the basement that's finished and perfect for our hopefully soon to be home gym, where someday I hope to be able to train people myself (wow that's sharing a dream!).

We have a dining room ready for entertaining which will hopefully lead to many a good conversations and memories. A little kitchen (soon to be painted) that will hug me every time I cook. Attached to our home (an addition) is a little garage that challenges me every time I back out with not losing my mirrors. And I can't forget the fourth bedroom downstairs that we've made a tv room that's admittedly awkward for tv furniture but will do just fine (we hope to tear down a wall and open it up to the only unfinished room in the basement - that is if we live here long enough).

Aside from the fireplace do you know what I seem to appreciate the most about our new (to us) home? The ancient, but free, dryer I got with the purchase of a 3 year old $100 washing machine on Kijiji.

Yesterday I was doing laundry for the first time since getting the dryer hooked up and I felt as though I was in heaven. I'm not sure if it's because for the 2 1/2 years we lived in the apartment I was too cheap to use the driers (as you may recall from my first 40 day adventure) and I could now use one for free. OR if it was because it cut so much time out of hanging our clothes (I hang A LOT of our clothes anyways), and the dry time. It could be the fact that I no longer have to wear crunchy socks or use stiff wash clothes on my face. There are tonnes of reasons that could be why I love my new (yet archaic) dryer.

I'm not exactly sure why I went on that long bunny trail about a dryer. I guess it ties in with simple, free and unexpected things becoming a pleasure.

Of all the reasons to love having a house again I will admit that I never thought that rickety old thing (that was free!!!!) would be at the top of my list - but it is. I guess it is just a reminder this Christmas that the best things in life are the little things. We never know what might be meaningless to one person could completely change another one's life.

Wally and I, in the past, have named our important appliances. I remember when a couple that were sort of our mentors gave us their old portable dishwasher at the old house. We sent them a thank you card with me hugging our new helpmate we aptly named 'Gloria' because I said 'She's glorious!'.

I'm looking forward this Christmas day to Wally getting up and turning on the kettle, the tree lights and the fire (I know, lighting the fire sounds far more sentimental but sometimes you gotta work with what you have) and sitting together cherishing our memories from this year. That's one thing I love about us, no matter what state we've been in during the holidays, whether good times or bad, we make an effort to really and truly enjoy our time together and make it special (even in the middle of painting a house the week before we're moving in and we SOUND as though we may kill eachother), we value our together.

Not sure where this post was off to but there is it.

Have a very Merry Christmas Day and take time to truly enjoy those you have in your life!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Eve!!

It's noon thirty this Christmas Eve and I have so many thoughts I'd love to share about the season and the past couple weeks Wally and I have had in our new home. However time is ticking away and I have to ice the cookies I had declared I wasn't making this year, before celebrating with my in laws this evening.

The first thing I must mention is a recent donation made to my Compasio campaign. I was standing in Walmart yesterday with a young lady I was supporting checking texts I wasn't supposed to be checking when Wally had asked me in a text what the campaign was at. I replied '$320; He was ecstatic to be the one to share with me that there had been a $1000 donation!!! Of course since I was supposed to be working and not checking texts I had to forget what I heard but inside I was amazed.

I had recently shared with a fried my feelings of disappoint about a work fundraiser that popped up that would target many of those I was hoping to attract (my co workers) in the same month I was planning to do our big event.

I felt discouraged, overwhelmed and mad at myself for setting a ridiculous goal. Why would I do this? why do I always have to be so 'out there'? Oh I get so flustered with myself sometimes.

Anyways hearing the sudden swell in donations did more than boost my energy is goal. It gave me hope and increased my faith that we could indeed raise the $10 000. A wonderful Christmas gift.

I plan to write again before the new year as I'd love to reflect upon the past one and look ahead at the one to come. For now though I say thank you for allowing me into your heart, and though I don't know who is reading, thank you for encouraging mine. I hope that for what ever reason you read you are given something good in return.

May you enjoy the holidays and feel hope for the future in knowing so much of it lies in your heart and how you approach it. I am continuing to learn this every day.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

Eva :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Alive and bloggin!

Hey I'm still around!

Wally and I just moved into our new (to us) home last Saturday and have not had the internet until tonight. Before that we spent the week painting and moving over boxes and boxes. Now we are in the middle of Christmas stuff and unpacking. I hope to be able to settle soon and be able to share some thoughts (for whatever they're worth).

Will be writing soon :)