Today I got some sad news. A friend of mind e-mailed me to let me know that her aunt had decided to terminate her pregnancy. Here’s the situation: her aunt is a 42 year old married woman, with a healthy 2 year old son. She met her husband late in life and they hoped to raise a family together like most couples do. Several weeks ago they found out that this baby she was carrying had Down Syndrome and most likely a few other birth defects. She was 18 weeks along. The baby was well formed, with the ability to hear and be startled by noises and was in the process of having it’s skin form (ok there’s a real name for that but I can’t tell you want it is – starts with a v).
Depending on who you are you will have an initial response: either for the mother or for the baby. Mine was for the mother, but not necessarily how you’d think I would respond. Of course I felt compassion for her, as she felt as though she had to make such a decision: to keep her child or to let it go. The fact that she felt as though she had to judge herself and her strengths within her as to whether she could indeed handle a child with special needs or not is incomprehensible. I could not fathom ever having to make that choice about myself. Am I able to care for this child? Am I the best this child could have? Will I be inflicting pain on this young life by giving it life itself? What horrible questions to have to ask yourself!
I have to believe the mother of this young life made this choice out of love (as I write this I am surprising myself with this reaction). Our automatic response is to believe that NOT choosing life is the coward’s way out. By choosing to give up the life we think that mom is deeming the child inside unlovable, invaluable and not truly sacred. But could it be that the mother was the one who felt unlovable, invaluable and unsacred? Could it be that she just did not feel capable of being the best mom this child could have?
By asking these questions I am in no way saying I agree with her decision, in fact my strongest reaction of all is sincere sadness for this family because of the loss they will experience without even knowing it. I don’t mean the loss of life – they will certainly still go through the grieving process of both the life that moved inside of mom and the dreams they shared for their family. But I mean the absence of a new kind of beauty they would have been able to experience from a brand new perspective. Trust me, if you haven’t had the chance to meet and really know people with ‘challenges’ you have been left out of an entirely different realm of this world. In my opinion the most honest and real realm there is (and I have VERY limited experience).
Here’s how I know no matter what your child is born with or how greatly ‘challenged’ or challenging your child is, with God you can be given what you need and then some. (It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it is possible)…
About 6 weeks ago I took one of the guys I support to church. What happens there is his father meets us in the parking lot we strap the gentleman into the wheel chair (he can walk but is very aggressive and hits out a lot, in the chair he is easier to manage in public). He wheels himself into the church with dad (who’d be around 55-60 yrs old), his dad sets him up (with the staff right behind) and the young guy sits for about 3 songs during worship. All the while dad is giving him constant treats to keep him from hitting (not bribes, as he is at a very low intellectual level, but reinforcement and a distraction really). This guy is pretty tough on his dad and mom (physically). He’s pretty tough on most (and has a heavy arm – I know!). Here’s the thing. The day I sat behind this father sitting with his son, I had NEVER in my life seen someone love so much. That father LOVES his son. I don’t mean that he loves him therefore he ‘puts up with’ him, I mean he LOVES him - period. It pours out of his pores. If I was a softy I would’ve cried but I didn’t (which worked out considering my job at that point), but I was AMAZED and felt my heart move. This dad regularly takes his son for visits and keeps up the church routine (after the songs dad takes son out of the chair in the foyer and walks with him around the near empty parts of the church to ‘bond’). THAT ladies and gentlemen is love – beyond what any human could give to another on their own.
Now back to my friend’s aunt. Please pray for her. My heart absolutely aches for her and is so saddened by the loss of the beautiful person that was once inside of her. She hasn’t any faith and at this point God is the only One who could heal this wound. She’s a child too, just as important as the one that lived inside of her.
It’s weird. Since working in this field I have come to understand both sides of the debate. My hope will always be for life to be given. Not because it’s the right thing to do but because we need to be reminded that whether our child is physically and developmentally perfect, we should never be trying to ‘do it all’ alone.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
The similarities and differences between Eva and Wally
Ok so there have been times in the past 8 years of marriage when both Wally and I have wondered how we could be so wonderfully matched together – only by God’s design.
And then there have been just as many times through the years we have wondered who’s hair-brained idea it was for us to get together?! In so many ways we are alike, for example: our faith, morals, introvertedness, desire to do our best in life, being content with the small things in life.
Yet there are so many other ways we are completely different. Here are just a few:
• I NEVER close Tupperware containers properly – this drives Wally crazy!
• I love to take any possible chance to hang out with pretty much anyone - Wally thinks long and hard before committing to any social gathering and his preference would be home (most of the time).
• When we diet Wally loses 13 pounds the first week - I gain 2.
• I have a HUGE desire to travel and would love to backpack across Europe - Wally’s preference would be a Sheraton
• I won’t hesitate to wear clothes off of my laundry pile with a boat load of wrinkles (I’d just throw a hoodie over top) – Wally will not wear a shirt that looks like it got left behind from the wrinkle patrol
• I think you should wear your jeans at least 3 or 4 times before washing them (I’m a bit frugal) – Wally wears a pair twice and to the wash they go
• Wally thinks going to the movies is a social activity – I think it’s one of the most anti-social activities you could do
• Wally hates country music – until recently it was really the only music I listened to
• I’ll eat food past the expiration date if it looks ok – Wally is much more particular
• If Wally does the dishes you can be sure they are clean – if I do them you can be sure you’ll get leftovers from the last meal
• Wally thinks before he talks – I’m not nearly as skilled at this
• I think next year we should move to a foreign country and try a new culture – Wally is looking for a job here
O.k. so these are just a few examples of how we are different. A few of Wally’s school friends have commented on our differences but have said at the same time how much we are also so much alike and right for each other. That doesn’t always come naturally…
Recently I shared with Wally my longest and deepest desire to take a few weeks (ok initially I asked for a few months) to go and serve abroad, perhaps with little brown orphans in an under privileged country some where (I have a heart for orphans). This has been a loooooong time dream for me that I gave up on when we married (I figured there would be our own children to take care of soon enough). For the longest time Wally said he couldn’t let me go. He didn’t want to risk me getting hurt or killed or something else terrible happening while he wasn’t around to be there for me. I tried to convince him that I’d be ok but he wouldn’t by it. So I let it go a little and just tried to remind him that this was my heart’s desire and hope. It took a few months, but one night when we were joking around I had gotten out of him his blessing for me to go for not one day longer than 3 weeks. I was ecstatic! I am.
You see that’s what helps our marriage work: realizing the other person’s hopes and calling. It’s not always easy to give up our wants but if you want to continue to grow in that relationship sometimes you have to let go a little, right? I didn’t want to let go of my dream and Wally didn’t want to let go of his desire to hold onto me. It would be easy to bolt in the other direction and say ‘I’m going to do it anyway’ (I’ve wanted to do that a million times), but how would that bring us closer to one another? I don’t think it would.
As much work as it seems to be when you are so different I am going to count myself lucky to have someone that compliments me, challenges me and loves me the way my Wally does. (Even if we frustrate each other to no end!)
And then there have been just as many times through the years we have wondered who’s hair-brained idea it was for us to get together?! In so many ways we are alike, for example: our faith, morals, introvertedness, desire to do our best in life, being content with the small things in life.
Yet there are so many other ways we are completely different. Here are just a few:
• I NEVER close Tupperware containers properly – this drives Wally crazy!
• I love to take any possible chance to hang out with pretty much anyone - Wally thinks long and hard before committing to any social gathering and his preference would be home (most of the time).
• When we diet Wally loses 13 pounds the first week - I gain 2.
• I have a HUGE desire to travel and would love to backpack across Europe - Wally’s preference would be a Sheraton
• I won’t hesitate to wear clothes off of my laundry pile with a boat load of wrinkles (I’d just throw a hoodie over top) – Wally will not wear a shirt that looks like it got left behind from the wrinkle patrol
• I think you should wear your jeans at least 3 or 4 times before washing them (I’m a bit frugal) – Wally wears a pair twice and to the wash they go
• Wally thinks going to the movies is a social activity – I think it’s one of the most anti-social activities you could do
• Wally hates country music – until recently it was really the only music I listened to
• I’ll eat food past the expiration date if it looks ok – Wally is much more particular
• If Wally does the dishes you can be sure they are clean – if I do them you can be sure you’ll get leftovers from the last meal
• Wally thinks before he talks – I’m not nearly as skilled at this
• I think next year we should move to a foreign country and try a new culture – Wally is looking for a job here
O.k. so these are just a few examples of how we are different. A few of Wally’s school friends have commented on our differences but have said at the same time how much we are also so much alike and right for each other. That doesn’t always come naturally…
Recently I shared with Wally my longest and deepest desire to take a few weeks (ok initially I asked for a few months) to go and serve abroad, perhaps with little brown orphans in an under privileged country some where (I have a heart for orphans). This has been a loooooong time dream for me that I gave up on when we married (I figured there would be our own children to take care of soon enough). For the longest time Wally said he couldn’t let me go. He didn’t want to risk me getting hurt or killed or something else terrible happening while he wasn’t around to be there for me. I tried to convince him that I’d be ok but he wouldn’t by it. So I let it go a little and just tried to remind him that this was my heart’s desire and hope. It took a few months, but one night when we were joking around I had gotten out of him his blessing for me to go for not one day longer than 3 weeks. I was ecstatic! I am.
You see that’s what helps our marriage work: realizing the other person’s hopes and calling. It’s not always easy to give up our wants but if you want to continue to grow in that relationship sometimes you have to let go a little, right? I didn’t want to let go of my dream and Wally didn’t want to let go of his desire to hold onto me. It would be easy to bolt in the other direction and say ‘I’m going to do it anyway’ (I’ve wanted to do that a million times), but how would that bring us closer to one another? I don’t think it would.
As much work as it seems to be when you are so different I am going to count myself lucky to have someone that compliments me, challenges me and loves me the way my Wally does. (Even if we frustrate each other to no end!)
Arrest her for false advertising!!!
Have you ever been afraid to tell someone a truth about yourself because you’d be accused of false advertising?
For example, I go to a gym. It’s a part of a chain of gyms targeted at women who would never normally go to a gym. It’s designed to be simple to use, easy to access and give the feeling of acceptance to anyone, big or small, that walks through the door. It is successful at this. Very successful. Before I was introduced to this gym through a friend I wouldn’t never considered stepping up and joining a gym.
Why? Well, to be honest I’m no muscle woman (shocking, I know). I have no aspirations to be one. I just wanted to go to a place to get active, hopefully lose a few pounds and feel better in my skin. I didn’t want people to find out I went to a gym, look at me and say ‘Oh well that’s nice, good for you!’ While really looking at my thighs and thinking ‘I’d hit the Thigh master a few extra minutes today honey!’ (That happened to me this morning on the elevator).
About the false advertising ... At this gym you get a t-shirt each time you’ve reached the hundred visit mark. So there are 100, 200, 300, all the way up to 1000. One day when I was at the gym I turn to my left and see a 400 pound woman sporting a 600 visit shirt. I’m kinda saying to myself at the time ‘Um, lady are you sure you got the right shirt? You can’t possibly have made 600 visits and still have that much weight to lose? And isn’t that bad advertising for the gym – they obviously didn’t think this t-shirt thing through at all.’
I know it sounds horrible but that’s what I thought the first time I saw it. Then this morning I was walking to the gym and I was contemplating a few things and I realized that I am indeed doing the same thing, only in a different way. Here’s how: I’m a Christian. (Oh my goodness I can’t believe I said that!). And for the most part I am not the type people would guess to be ashamed of it and really I think if it wasn’t for myself (and a few others that I know) I probably wouldn’t mind sharing my secret. Another reason I hesitate to share this about myself because I feel like I come across too many people that think because we share the same faith we'll like each other, OR that because we have differing core beliefs we won't. I don't ever want that to be the assumption, I miss out on too many great people that way.
Here’s the thing, I’m not ‘there’ yet. I still yell at people when I’m driving, look at others as less than myself, don’t take the time to smile and engage people in conversations when the opportunity arises. I’m just not there yet. I AM the 400 pound woman that has had the 600 visits to the gym without any tangible evidence to prove it.
So the question is: do I wait then to become everything a good advertisement is before I start sharing with others about the coolest discovery of my life? Perhaps the lady at the gym has improved her health in a million ways I can’t see (and since I don’t have before and after shots of her innards I’ll have to guess that they ARE better now than they were before). Maybe she has developed a confidence that has changed her life in others ways. It could be that she came into the gym weighing 600 pounds and I should just shut my big fat yap already!
Who knows? My best guess is that I need to stop waiting for perfection to come and just get out there and be the best I can be the best way I know how. Be a real person. If the 400 pound woman at the gym came up to me and shared her story, her challenges and triumphs, don’t you think I would listen? Probably. Because by sharing her story with me I get an ‘in’ to the road she’s traveled and I would see her with my heart rather than my eyes and maybe in some way, big or small, that would help me continue the journey - whether I look like a 600 visit patron or not.
For example, I go to a gym. It’s a part of a chain of gyms targeted at women who would never normally go to a gym. It’s designed to be simple to use, easy to access and give the feeling of acceptance to anyone, big or small, that walks through the door. It is successful at this. Very successful. Before I was introduced to this gym through a friend I wouldn’t never considered stepping up and joining a gym.
Why? Well, to be honest I’m no muscle woman (shocking, I know). I have no aspirations to be one. I just wanted to go to a place to get active, hopefully lose a few pounds and feel better in my skin. I didn’t want people to find out I went to a gym, look at me and say ‘Oh well that’s nice, good for you!’ While really looking at my thighs and thinking ‘I’d hit the Thigh master a few extra minutes today honey!’ (That happened to me this morning on the elevator).
About the false advertising ... At this gym you get a t-shirt each time you’ve reached the hundred visit mark. So there are 100, 200, 300, all the way up to 1000. One day when I was at the gym I turn to my left and see a 400 pound woman sporting a 600 visit shirt. I’m kinda saying to myself at the time ‘Um, lady are you sure you got the right shirt? You can’t possibly have made 600 visits and still have that much weight to lose? And isn’t that bad advertising for the gym – they obviously didn’t think this t-shirt thing through at all.’
I know it sounds horrible but that’s what I thought the first time I saw it. Then this morning I was walking to the gym and I was contemplating a few things and I realized that I am indeed doing the same thing, only in a different way. Here’s how: I’m a Christian. (Oh my goodness I can’t believe I said that!). And for the most part I am not the type people would guess to be ashamed of it and really I think if it wasn’t for myself (and a few others that I know) I probably wouldn’t mind sharing my secret. Another reason I hesitate to share this about myself because I feel like I come across too many people that think because we share the same faith we'll like each other, OR that because we have differing core beliefs we won't. I don't ever want that to be the assumption, I miss out on too many great people that way.
Here’s the thing, I’m not ‘there’ yet. I still yell at people when I’m driving, look at others as less than myself, don’t take the time to smile and engage people in conversations when the opportunity arises. I’m just not there yet. I AM the 400 pound woman that has had the 600 visits to the gym without any tangible evidence to prove it.
So the question is: do I wait then to become everything a good advertisement is before I start sharing with others about the coolest discovery of my life? Perhaps the lady at the gym has improved her health in a million ways I can’t see (and since I don’t have before and after shots of her innards I’ll have to guess that they ARE better now than they were before). Maybe she has developed a confidence that has changed her life in others ways. It could be that she came into the gym weighing 600 pounds and I should just shut my big fat yap already!
Who knows? My best guess is that I need to stop waiting for perfection to come and just get out there and be the best I can be the best way I know how. Be a real person. If the 400 pound woman at the gym came up to me and shared her story, her challenges and triumphs, don’t you think I would listen? Probably. Because by sharing her story with me I get an ‘in’ to the road she’s traveled and I would see her with my heart rather than my eyes and maybe in some way, big or small, that would help me continue the journey - whether I look like a 600 visit patron or not.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)