Thursday, July 8, 2010

I-I-I-I-I'm c-c-c-c-c-cold!!

It's a ridiculous hour to be up and writing but that seems to be how I roll, especially while readjusting to schedules.

I have so many thoughts right now on work and the realm of it I don't even know where to start.

Today (or I suppose yesterday at this point). I got home from only my second full day of work since arriving home from my vacation, which was followed by my cottage excursion (and to set the record straight does NOT equal a vacation - though fun times were had).

By my 23rd hour this week I was done like dinner.

When I say done, I don't mean perfectly done. I mean overdone, beyond toasted, and more like burnt. I like to refer to this as my 'fried egg' state.

I left my nursing home shift with Dolly ready to yell at the staff there, cry in my car and/or tell someone off.

None of these things are terribly unusual desires while supporting someone in the nursing home but yesterday they were magnified by my already jittery state.

I had prearranged a get together with a co-worker/new friend to 'vent' in hopes of, as she put it, 'finding positivity in eachother'. Really I just wanted to vent.

To be honest I was feeling better by Tuesday and had thoughts of sayin' 'no need to vent, I'm all better' once my feet were wet again, but I didn't and I'm glad because as much as I didn't want to have venting emotions they were definitely there.

Right off the hop I let go of some of my feelings which were met with an 'I totally get what you're sayin' look. Chatting occurred and I definitely saw how new I was at this.

I shared with her how over the past few days another case of the 'Sads' had made their way in and I was really struggling with my inner voice telling me once again what a failure I was, how useless I was and how ridiculous it was for me to think that I should even have a right to feel stress considering my position at work. I was beginning to think of myself as stupid, dumb, incompetent, and a myriad of other horrible things.

Unfortunately I am not in a place to argue with myself but rather take each observation rather seriously.

It was mentioned how once in this place it is very difficult to get out of. How true.

During my last case of the Sads it took a huge 'letting go' of worrying about feeling justified not working full time. I finally got to that point and it was amazing how great and peaceful I felt about saying, what no manager wants to hear, 'no'. (By the way I haven't been living my 30 hrs a week plan which doesn't help).

I had finally accepted needing a vacation and taken on the job it can often be to take the time off. I met a bit of attitude from myself and a person or two that work at the agency but overcame and felt strongly justified and even great about the choice I had made.

Now two days back into it I feel as though i have failed miserably at continuing the lesson past the vacation. I literally feel like I've allowed myself to be sucked back into the vacuum of life. Work without heart life.

I went into the office on Tuesday to chat with a manager type about an issue quickly before starting my day and I felt like a juicy piece of meat walking through the office. I seriously had wished I had wore a paper bag over my head.

Reason: it's summer time and everyone's on holidays, people are taking last minute time off and they are scrambling for people to cover shifts. I (and anyone who walks in) is fair game to fill what's needed (of course if we comply). From what I've noticed most young ladies that work there are very willing and very compliant to whatever the office needs, whether it's good for them or not. I was like this too for the first 5 months until I realized I also have needs that need attention and I am the only one responsible for this (or the only one that can take responsibility for this).

Luckily the shifts a baffled manager approached me about required larger chunks of hours that I could not give do to my already full schedule, but it definitely left me wondering what I would do in the future.

I really need to exercise my 'no' muscles more.

It's kind of funny because initially I always thought that if you did a favour for a someone that you'd get a favour in return at some point. Whether that meant understanding when you took a holiday, help for coverage if you were sick, or perhaps a good word to say you were great. Now I realize though you may get these things you may not at all. There are no returns guaranteed at all.

Knowing this makes me a bit sad as I'm not sure how far I'll get career wise in life when I choose to live out my needs (for the good of all) first rather than the good of everyone else every time. By no means do I plan on being selfish all of the time, there are definitely times you have to pull a little extra weight to help out your team, but I don't believe it should ever be to the point of no return of taking care of yourself first.

However with the previous paragraph being said, deep down I know that when you live out of peace and awareness of your decisions being the best for all I know that things work out the way they should.

I sometimes worry that my honesty will get me in trouble but then I remind myself that most times it's coming out of a completely real place with pure intentions so I can't help if someone takes it the wrong way or is insecure with what I say. It is though my responsibility to use this wisely and be very aware of those I am sharing it with and how they may or may not be good receivers of it. Some of it I can help and some of it is out of my control (you can't control someone's perceptions).

As I chatted with my co-worker friend I came to the realization (again) that if you are not living out of joy you aren't really living. You really are in control of how much you do that.

The trick is finding the confidence to live it out and to do your best to be honest with yourself and others about what that joy is. If it's not working 40 hours than for goodness sake don't work 40 hours. If you truly don't feel comfortable or right with something, don't do it!!

Being stretched for growth is different than putting on something that just doesn't fit and won't ever fit. (Wow, I'm totally having an 'aha' moment!)

In the midst of saying all of this I have to admit I still have the jitters from getting back into what feels like an ice cold lake. I still hear my inner voice mocking me to no end and am not able to muster up an answer to defend myself. My hope though is that as I wrestle with this, as I seem to with everything lately, I will work it out and yet again find the answer I'm looking for.

Isn't it crazy that you can return again and again to what appears to be the same issue but learn that it is yet another angle of the one you were working on before?

This is sort of driving me crazy, but hopefully we'll end up at a different location as I keep getting in the car.


I seriously wonder if I'm the only person that ever gets discouraged with these things. Over the past week I've really struggled with thoughts of failure at my job and wondering if I'm really cut out for it. I may or may not be right for it in the long term, but for now I stand on the belief that this is right for me now whether I'm feeling it or not, just because I know somewhere in my heart that this in true. Also I have to remember that if I'm not living out of a place of peace NO JOB is going to seem right. None!

(I am sooooo thankful for this perspective because when I was newly married I looked toward having a family as my 'way out' of a lifeless job when things got tough rather than working on my attitude or changing something in what I was doing. Now I look at myself and say 'If this is how I feel doing this job now, it's not going to be much better doing another job until I figure out why I am unsatisfied and do my part in fixing it. It may be the job, or may be my approach to it').

Knowing that gives me comfort and endurance to work this stuff out.

I do love my job and feel privileged to be where I'm at. It's just all of this life learning that goes with it that gets a bit overwhelming at times.

I'm choosing to believe right now that I haven't taken two steps forward and one back, but rather taking a step or two in a direction I haven't gone before.

By the end of our visit I was reminded that I have the power to change things and that I alone can determine how I react to things.

This once again, gives me hope.

Though I still desperately need someone to bring me a towel to warm up in from my icy little swim over the past two days, I know that it will come.

Did you know that people naturally jitter (chatter their teeth) for a reason? It is the body's way of naturally warming itself up.

See the jitters were there for a reason!

(However, I'm more than ready to get rid of them!!!)