Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Good byes VS See you laters

I hate when people I love move away.

I just plain hate it.

I am certainly learning (and should have by now) that life is really mostly made up of, what seems to be, a few hellos and a lot of good byes.

It probably seems that way because when you meet someone they aren't really someone to you yet. They are often just another face along your day. Sometimes you barely notice them, sometimes you barely like them and sometimes you think 'hmmmmm we could be friends' (or when I was sixteen if the person I met was a nice fella within a decade of myself older I thought 'Hmmmmmm I wonder if you're THE one?')/

As time has trudged on (without necessarily getting my permission) I have come to realize that good byes (or see you laters) are never easy.

I've seen that growing apart from another person, slowly and unoticably(at first) seems to be the most merciful to your soul, it still holds it's own sting.

And though there are relationships you know you'll hold forever it's never easy to hug not knowing when you'll meet again.

I've also learned that often when you part you'll grow stronger than you ever could have if you were closer together (hmmmmm, kind of like when you plant a garden).

My closest far away friend moved a couple of years after Wally and I were married. At the time when she told me that she'd met this guy I knew what her next words would be. I cried. 'The guy' was from Michigan. How dare he. Steal my friend.

Well I got another year with her before she left. I don't think I was smart enough to make the most of it by any means but perhaps for a reason. When she moved she lived across the border a couple of hours away and we stayed in touch.

A few years later during a visit she shared that she was pregnant AND they were moving .... to a land far far away called Florida. I cried again.

But it seemed that the further she moved the closer we actually got. We had our ups and downs (and by that I don't mean fights, mostly just times of feeling more close than others). I will admit on my end I wondered if our friendship would last. It's not always easy watching someone else live the life you want or being able to identify with that life when yours is so very different.

We kept on it though and still shared an open, honest and in my opinion wonderful friendship. I hate that I cant' be there for her physically for when she needs help and that we have to schedule so carefully around our lives to chat ... but as they say... that's life.

That friendship though is a prime example of how some friendships can thrive with distance (if cared for). Both of us agree that it wouldn't be the relationship it is if she hadn't moved away.

Yesterday I said good bye to my best college friend. She's someone I 'get' and who is my kind of honest. She's flighty but caring, young but smart. She's been through more in her 21 years than I could have ever imagined at that age. I love her very much.

She's not moving far but far enough for me to wonder if we'll connect ever again. It may sound like I'm doubting the strength of our friendship, but I'm not. I just don't know if it was created with the purpose of a forever kind.

It's when I realize that that I feel that lump grow in my throat. Not because I'll necessarily miss her in my life on a day to day basis but more as the realization that possibly her purpose in my life has been fulfilled. And, it could be true that we never connect the same again. But that's ok. We have other people to touch and help grow.

It's still sometimes sad to say good bye to that part of your life.

My aunt's passing was the greatest lesson I've ever experienced in the realm of good byes. Knowing that I would never see her face again (on earth), never hear her laugh, never have one of though 'heart to heart' chats a girl can only have with a woman 20 years older than herself.

It was then I had to face the kind of good bye that is more like a 'see you later' only with a very, very (what seems to be) long wait til the later part. I am thankful for my faith and just as much for hers. I have no doubts we will meet again (I do recommend 'Heaven is for Real' for anyone sort of on the fence ... and the Bible works too - I'm not the best thumper).

Along with the good bye I had to say to her I also had to come to terms with the fact that living good byes (the ones when you part expecting to see and connect with one another again but may not realize for years that you won't ever) are sometimes the hardest ones there are.

When I said 'See you later' to my aunt I knew that was it. When you say good bye to a close friend without knowing where life is taking either one of you that is hard. Really, really hard.

This brings me to Glo. I've talked a lot about Glo and our unexpected friendship. It's one that seemed to birth out of a deep mutual respect and enjoyment of one another. I was always just as honoured and excited as she was to spend our time together. We both admitted that we were always so happy when the other actual wanted to spend time with us (hopefully you get that).

This week Glo out of town and our schedules didn't line up for our regular 3 or 4 usual visits during the week of hang out time at the gym, cooking in the kitchen or doing something new. It's funny because I sensed that I was beginning to take our time for granted as of late, it was confirmed when I learned Glo would be away for the week (or part of it). I realized it would be empty. As I thought of it last night I cried on my way home from work.

Glo leaves for Holland in 6 weeks. I'm pretty sure the sunshine is going to go with her.

I know, I sound like a wreck. I'll probably be one by mid July and into August, September, October, November, December and until she comes home.

You know what though. My greatest fear isn't her leaving, it's whatever life has in store from us that will grow us and change us. Sometimes we aren't meant to have the same friends forever. Sometimes we cant' grow properly if we do.

I think both Glo and I would argue for hours that we are meant beyond a doubt to be friends for always and I truly pray that is true. But there's always a little bit o me that has developed since my aunts passing that knows only time will dictate how we are able to care for and hold onto what we have.

Will be be given the strength and understanding to keep things strong? Are we meant to be friends for years to come? Will we be stronger the further away we are from one another? Or was friendship only meant for us for only a season, to feed each other's spirits, to encourage and inspire one another during a time we really needed it?

That's the hardest part about a good bye. Not knowing if it's good bye or see you later.

Thank goodness Glo's still here. Hopefully knowing I'm not intending this to be the obituary of our friendship but rather me getting out my greatest fear so that I can make room for a wonderful dream of hope.

What do I hope for in this friendship?

Fun cards, endless e-mails, excited phone calls, deep conversations, honest emotions, 'We're having a baby!', 'So am I!', 'We're coming to visit!', 'I'm moving to a wonderful town not too far away!'.

That's what I want.

That's what I hope for.

Yes I'm sniffling like a baby.

Or ... a little girl who's losing one of her closest friends right now. Even though she will surely be saying 'See you later!'

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Dream a little dream with me

Right now is the perfect moment.

It's raining hard. There's rumbling of thunder. My favourite dogs is on my lap (incidentally he almost took out my laptop to run from the outside weather, even though we're inside).

I've had a good day. Maybe even a great day. Laundry almost done. Mulching of the front gardens done. Clean kabobs d.one on the bbq (that turned out pretty good), a couple clean treats made and enjoyed. I went through most of my kitchen cupboards to rearrange and get rid of a few things in order to try and make room on the counter in order to make prepping food easier. Wally actually came in at one point and asked if we were moving out (since I had hidden many of the usual contraptions in the cupboards and it looked so clear).

We also had our first visit with my newest little second cousin. She's a doll. She laughed a lot at our doggies. Apparently her parents said that she hadn't laughed that much ever. It was cute.

It's been a good day.

Yesterday Wally and I met my fried A-bag for lunch and coffee. He finally finished up some travelling first in Thailand, then Israel and finally in Holland. He was the one person we knew while visiting Thailand. It was great to reconnect again before he leaves for whatever adventure awaits him next.

A-bag is one of those people I would have no problem asking questions of. I don't really have to worry if I'll offend or sound stupid, I can just ask anyway.

Yesterday A-bag was the one asking the questions. The one that caught my attention most? 'So, do you have any plans or dreams for the future?' (I'm paraphrasing but the part that grabbed me was the dream reference).

It got me thinking ...

Of course I have dreams. I mean I complain about them to whoever reads quite often. But I think A-bag was asking something bigger than that, or at least I was feeling something tug at me bigger than that.

Last fall I had what is called a PATH done. I shared with you all some of my dreams in those regards: buying a house, fundraising $10 000, going to Thailand, becoming a personal trainer, living a healthy lifestyle, writing, speaking to encourage others (like to the masses *giggle*), and of course adopting and/or having children.

In many ways I've treated the process like a check list.

House - check, trip - check, fundraising - half check, writing - three quarters of a check, living a healthy lifestyle - some days check/some days ex, speaking to encourage others - forgot about that one, becoming a personal trainer - too embarrassed to admit this one, adopting/having children - doing my part in some ways/preparing to do my part in others.

I guess what I'm saying is I've turned many of my dreams into a 'To do' list and have lost some of the magic along the way.

It's like when you want to have the perfect Christmas family day only you are uptight about the turkey being too dry, the gravy tasting bland, the gift wrap getting picked up, the kids being well behaved so much so that you didn't take time to enjoy and share all of these great things.

When A-bag originally asked what was new and how life was I felt so incredibly dead. 'Nothing's new really. Life is fine.'

That's so not my style. Or at least not how I want my style to be.

It's got me thinking that maybe it's ok to always keep dreaming, to keep discovering new things and new people.

I've felt a real sense of nothingness (I know that's not a word) since after our trip. I don't remember feeling so empty really.

I feel quite challenged lately surrounding God stuff, and 'community' (not the show, even though I do thinks it's AWESOME). At the same time I (we) have wondered how is best to find a sense of community.

We have looked into a church since meeting with A-bag yesterday we are seeing how we can get reconnected with that area of our lives. As I spoke with someone tonight I shared how people don't seem to have time to do 'community', to just spend time together anymore. I vented slightly regarding my frustration over the fact that everyone is too busy for each other (I cannot disclude myself completely and no I don't think disclude is a word but it should be).

Anyways, I guess what I'm getting at is that Wally and I are working on somehow finding a place to call home and people to call family (in a not biological sense). I believe beyond needing it we are called to have it. To be recipients of it and givers to it.

I have missed this for too long and I would love to have it back.

Back to the dreaming thing .... I also think I may give myself some homework this week. To spend an hour or so making my dream world. Just for fun. When do we ever do that anyways?

I want my kids to be dreamers. Best way to do that is learn how to be one myself.

I'll share what I come up with ;)

Friday, May 20, 2011

The week overviewed

Observations from this week, in a nutshell ...

* there is no such thing as 'clear' depoderant. It's quite obvious that the commercials are just a scam.

* the mice in the attic are having a scratching good time up there. I wonder if they have their own tv show.

* I thinnk it's werid when my stomach sounds like creaky floor boards

* I miraculously finished knitting my first sock this week (with 4 needles!!). Not I'm addicted.

* I learned that for every day I leave my gardens (it's not 3 weeks overdue) it have the potential to overtake the world. The good news is by leaving it to grow I've been able to see plants I would have confused with weeds early on to come to flower, causing me NOT to dig them up.

* Eating clean is actually a lot easier to stick to when you learn how to cook and are willing to try new things. It's all a matter of learning.

* Sometimes I want to punch overly positive people who forget thatsometimes people are just going through a hard time in the face. Not to be mean, just to help me cope. Hopefully I remember what this feels like when I get annoyingly positive on people, so that I don't turn into the punchee.

* Looking in the mirror is a real struggle for me. Learning to accept myself as I am so I can concentrate on taking care of what I've been given isn't easy. I'm determined to learn.

* I'm not sure where 'home' is. But I want to go there.

* I think of Bee often.

* In a strange way my faith has been sparked through a book I'm reading called 'Heaven is for real'. More on this to come....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Breakfast and beyond

Burnt toast. Fried egg. Oatmeal that's been dropped on the floor.

Ok so I'm not really talking about breakfast....

These are the adjectives I would use to describe how I'm feeling right now.

I know, I know. Squeaky, annoying wheel.

You don't HAVE to read.

Tonight Glo was over and we were doing our own 'Collective Kitchen' with clean eating. What's Collective Kitchen? It's something we do at work for people we support so that they have good home cooked meals that are from scratch (mostly) and already made to put in the freezer and eat through out the month.

Usually they take home several days worth of soup, several good dinners, several servings of a casserole, some burritos, and muffins.

Tonight was our second try at it after a very successful first go. I soon learned that it's probably not a great idea to attempt a long list of cooking (some stuff for the first time), after a long flurried day of work, while being a self proclaimed stress bag, in a small rather disorganized kitchen.

Half way through I almost had a meltdown, inwardly at least. After both of us seriously questioning our virgin attempt at pinto beans and rice, we gave up on the idea of pressing on to our fourth creation of the evening (a yummy butternut squash flax seed soup). I'm afraid the squash nearly ended up on the ceiling due to a very near rage that my insides were contemplating.

I was able to talk a bit about my already discovered feelings on work, the politics there, stress I've been feeling surrounding the politics and worrying way too much about what others think. Glo gave me the suggestion of taking a leave of absence.

Ahhhhhhh *smile* I then retreated briefly to a peaceful place of wonder.

The smell of our burning pinto mixture brought me back to reality quickly.

Why can't I live out what I believe sometimes? Why is it so difficult to do what you know is best for the only one responsible for your own life? Why doesn't it seem to matter to me what people think?

I had a co worker tell me yesterday 'Don't ever let your guard down Eva. Once they know you're weak they play on it'.

Not exactly something a 'what you see is what you get' kinda girl hopes to hear.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing any of this, it's not helpful to anyone really. Well ... except for me.

I'm going to consider talking to someone about this. Like a professional. Someone who might give me a little support and direction. Maybe even permission ... to be ok.

Can I share something on a completely different note? (doesn't wait for answer)

I was talking to an incredibly amazing and lovely retired (depending on how you look at it) couple today who had asked if I had kids and heard my 'no yet ... we're hoping' response. To which the husband (whom I LOVE) replied 'hoping doesn't get you anywhere'. To which I giggled and replied 'Ok, so we're TRYING our best' *wink, wink* (Which I have to say was a lie. We're really trying to try).

This lead us to have a wonderful discussion regarding to our hope to adopt a child from the 'system' but how discouraging others we've told have been. They immediately both rolled their eyes and gave me wise advise:

'Don't tell people what you're gonna do. Just do it.'

I began to share my convictions on adopting locally to which I was welcomed with open arms.

This couple whom have been together for 20 years but just recently got engaged (with a diamond) married a few weeks ago (in their home). Whom have worked closely with the CAS (Children's Aid Society or what you may know as Child Protective Services in other places) for many years leading them to foster many kids and currently have two adult men (brothers) with developmental disabilities who have been with them over a decade that they originally fostered. They got involved in our agency in part because the men had reached adult hood and would likely go back into a 'system' but this couple didn't want to see that happen, they wanted to continue to care for them.

You may be a bit baffled by the idea but these two young men are in their early twenties but appear to be in their yearly teens at best. They are great guys but no less than 2 handfuls of an experience.

It was refreshing to hear people with a gift for what they do, who do it with ease and love that comes so naturally. They're human but can be confused as beyond that. They are people I aspire to be like.

I was thankful for our chat and for my new connection to what could possibly be our future family. I have no doubt they will be a great encouragement and resource in the future. I left them feeling more hopeful about that specific area of my life.

Sometimes you just need a little taste of something good.

Sometimes you just need a little memory of that little taste to remind you that your day wasn't all bad.

Wow, I feel better.

I'm going to keep those two in my mind for a while.

I have definitely felt like I've been sinking lately. It doesn't feel good. That conversation gave me hope (my favourite thing in the world).

How does the saying go?

Hope floats.

Today I learned that it's true. And if you hold on to it, it may be the best life preserver you could ever have.

I'm holding on, with all I have.

Thank you for the hope today Roy and Joan. It means more than you'll ever know :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I bet you didn't know I'm a magazine writer now ...

Today's a new day.

I love this fact.

It's a 10 hr day for me, nothing unusual for a DSW where I work.

It's a good 10 hr days because it's pretty low key and it doesn't start til noon which I also like. I use the morning to pretend I'm on vacation.

I committed early in the week to working out 5 days this week (2 with weights) and since it's Wednesday and I've only run once, i figured I better keep my promise to myself.

I hate weight training. I can't lie. I hate it. Nearly every second. The seconds I get enjoyment out of it are generally located at the end when I know that I've kept my promise.

I was chatted last week with my hair dresser about working out and she said that she hated cardio and loved weights. I thought to myself 'You're obviously not doing it right then'. She went on to say that she's never used free weights and then I understood. I only use free weights or body weight exercises. It's more work for the body overall and burns more fuel.

I realized today that the only way I'm going to be successful at continuing to weight train was to take it at my own pace. In order to talk myself in continuing after each set.

I usually do 9 different exercises grouped in 3. So 3 sets of 3. 3 is clearly a popular number. Except when you're on number 1.

When I used to work out with Dee I barely had to think about IF I would continue. I had no choice. If I didn't he'd make things worse for me so I tried to do what he asked the first time. Hmmmm ... kind of sounds like torture. It was but it got the job done.

I continually have to remind myself why I do this, the health benefits both physically and mentally. It was hard training when I started a year ago because I did it for results in my body's appearance. Now I do it for my health because my appearance is largely affected by what I eat and that's an entirely different struggle.

On Monday when I ran I learned how just even a little bit of weight training can improve your running a lot. This gives me another reason to work out.

It's kind of funny because if you read anything I've written in regards to how I feel about running (which is similar to weight training) you'd likely wonder why I don't give up everything. But now that I've found something I hate MORE than running, running doesn't feel so bad. In fact I've been having the urge to run a lot lately, likely because of my dismal emotional state.

Once again I'm not entirely sure of what my point is. But maybe I can encourage myself and you to take what ever things you are challenged with right now and help see some perspective (I really need this).

Sometimes you do what you do because it's good for you. Sometimes you do it because you have to. Sometimes you do it because it will ultimately help something you struggle with to be less of a struggle. So ... you keep hanging on and doing that thing you hate, because it's good for you.

Here are some of the tricks I use to get me through this dreadful activity (maybe we can transfer them to other detestable activities that are good for us):

* Take it at my own pace.

Often we are all by ourselves and expect that we should be able to do things exactly the same as when we have a partner or a group of cheerleaders when that is near impossible. BUT if we slow down a bit (rather than whipping that damned towel across the room 5 minutes in) and take things as best we can in our own time then I think we are much more likely to complete the task at hand. Not everything is a race.

* Focus on one task at a time

Don't worry about the next 8 items on the list until you need to. Do number 1 first then worry about number 2 and so on and so forth. It's easy to get caught up in how you are going to complete the others but if you spend all of your time worrying about that you've just lost precious energy and time on getting number 1 done. That's generally when we decide we can't do any of it and we give up. One worry at a time!

* Give yourself a pep talk

Remind yourself you CAN do it and many times have already done it. Don't blame the world for being inadequate cheerleaders when you haven't learned how to be one yourself. You are your greatest asset and enemy when you're on your own.

* DON'T give up

Slow down, one thing at a time, remind yourself that you can and keep going!!! Even if it takes twice as long as it should, even if you need to adapt your plan of attack, don't let go! Giving up will only feed the devil on your shoulder that feeds you lies like 'I can't do this!'. As cliche and annoying this saying is sometimes I believe it 'We're not given anything more than we can handle', we just need to learn HOW to handle it. We're not going ot learn that if we keep quitting the lesson half way through.

* Forgive yourself

For the times that you've given up, talked yourself down, tore up your list, and sped through things without accepting the challenge .... forgive yourself. You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, no one is perfect. Let go of what you've convinced yourself is a failure and move on. Dwelling on past mistakes only keeps you tied to them. Free yourself, learn and go on.

Wow. I think I just wrote an article for Chatelaine or something. I apologize. This was more for me than anyone else. Wally teases me when I write all sermony.

Peace be with you :)


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Green Goblin saves the day!

I wanna be a recluse.

I know one. That person gets to stay home all day long every day, go out once in a while with a friend or two and sometimes drag themselves to family occasions. Otherwise they stay safe in the cocoon of their home. I want that sometimes.

I know that honestly I'd probably only last 2 or three days before going insane but the idea of never having to leave does seem appealing right now.

I've mentioned before that our unusually cold and very wet spring may be playing a part in my feelings but sometimes I wonder.

Last Friday I could barely stand the thought of facing my day. When I got home for some reason I envisioned Ed McMahon coming by with balloons and a cheque for a bazillion dollars and my response being 'That's great (with little to no enthusiasm), can you be sure to close the door on your way out.' Then I'd go drop into bed. That's how much energy and life I had left in me.

I had figured I was tired from my week of work, Maybe even from my very full month. But as I sit here on a Tuesday afternoon after work and look ahead to 3 more days of work I feel totally at the mercy of the world. I am drained already, stressed for no apparent reason, and am honestly giving thought to purchasing a ticket to Thailand and just heading out the door tomorrow with little to no care for anyone else around me.

I won't do that .... at least not tomorrow.

One of my co workers told me to take some time off to rest. I reminded her that I just got back from my 'vacation'. Right now I feel a bit trapped. By what I'm not so sure.

Someone asked me 'Is it work? Is it home? Are people at work treating you unfairly?'

I could honestly say 'No' to the last question and 'I don't know' to the other two.

Wally often reminds me that it's possible I loved Thailand because I wasn't working there. I remember reminding myself while I was there that my feeling of comfort and peace was real. I remember walking down the road and thinking to myself 'This is home.'

I realize Wally may be right. Maybe Thailand isn't my home, but maybe not working is.

Not working is a simply crazy thought for anyone here in North America. Why ever would you NOT work? I mean you've got to eat!

Our mental health isn't even allowed to enter the equation either. If you are physically fine you need to be out making money. Gone are the days where a woman could be respected for making a home and caring for her family. (Not to be gender bias but I'm talking traditionally).

I don't want to be lazy ... but I do want to be well. Right now I don't feel well inside. And because I've had this issue before and attended to it with time off (a week here, a week there) I don't feel justified in doing this again. People already think my need for a reduced (but still the same number of hours as my husband's 'full time') work week is odd and a little snooty.

This afternoon after feeling the stress of listening to a woman I support talk about her 3 cats from days gone by over and over and over (and over and over and over), then hearing all about the ruckus the young lady I support has been causing with supposed false allegations, I was absolute toast by noon.

I went over and accomplished a long list of things (including filing this young lady's passport paperwork - she's going on a cruise!!!!) with the ruckus maker and then went for a short walk to get a drink together.

We sat. We drank. We chatted. She smiled a lot. I smiled at her. She asked if I was tired and I said yes. Then I remembered her wonderful impression of the Green Goblin from the Spiderman movies so I asked her to do it.

At first she refused. With a smile, while looking away bashfully and waving her hand 'no'. I pressed, she continued to deny me. Then out of nowhere she put her empty plastic apple juice container up to her mouth and did the Green Goblin spooky laugh.

I laughed. I smiled. I was reminded that this one person meant so much to me. I value her. I care for her. Even though she's stubborn as hell, makes a liar out of me often, and tells very creative little stories that make me wish I was a detective, she still is one of the ones I completely adore, respect and want so badly to get something great out of life.

Who new the Green Goblin could save the day.

I guess it's all in the delivery.

I will hang in there. At least one more day.

Monday, May 16, 2011

A little clearer

Well, I have to say I feel much better than I did when I wrote my last post 10 hrs ago.

What's changed? Nothing much really.

I've had the day completely to myself to clean the house, create some healthy snacks in the kitchen and finish patiently waiting laundry. Oh and I must mention the 5 K run I had at the gym this morning without any trouble (my first run in over 2 weeks since the fund raiser!!).

As the day went by I looked up some houses on MLS (I know, we're not thinking of moving yet for another year but I like to jump the gun). I decided I LOVE our little bungalow with hideous paneling in the basement, and I love what few things we've done to the place since moving here.

I'm no so much in love with the fact that after my shower this afternoon I heard mousecapades going on over the ceiling in the bathroom. Oh well, as long as they stay up there until I con someone else into going up and killing the little buggers I'm not too worried.

I love being home. I love breathing and noticing that I'm alive. I love the pace of my two little friends (don't love their timing when walking across a freshly washed kitchen floor that's not yet dry).

I love ... creating home.

So, in light of this little discovery I am going ot spend the next year researching, learning, asking questions and figuring out how Wally and I can make our dreams come true having me be at home as much as possible.

I'll have to learn more about budgeting, ok I'll rephrase that because honestly I'm a great budgeter, I'm going to learn how to create and APPLY a good budget. I'm going to challenge myself to be even more frugal than I always have been. Maybe I'll even start a networking system for others to be able to access to make dollars go farther.

I'm going to start daring to believe I will be a mom and a wife that I've always wanted to be.

Last week I went to an advanced workshop on 'Core Gifts' that I got trained in last year (I told you a bit about it at the time). It's an interview process that's very personalized that helps the interviewee learn what their Core Gift is and how they best use it.

I did mine again with someone new. My Core Gift was the same but how I do it was much more defined and clear. Bang on in my opinion. Here it is:

My core gift is: helping people connect with one another.

I do this by: being real, meeting people where they are at, gaining strength by learning new things and making something great out of nothing.

By knowing my 'Core Gift' and how I specifically use it I can use it more and be more fulfilled.

I'm sure to some it sounds like hocus pocus psychology. If I was capable and patient enough to explain it I may be able to win you over. I find it fascinating and after learning more behind it I think it's very real.

Anyways, today has let me breathe and given me time to let some things settle in.

Due to things changing at work I still have a schedule around 30-32 hrs a week plus meetings and special training stuff. I'm going to go with it for a couple of weeks and see how it goes but I still wonder if it'd be best if I let a shift or two go still. We'll see.

For now I'll enjoy the air.


What to do? What to do?


I feel like that's what the last month has been like.

Between working 40 hrs a week, fitting in what seems to be a tonne of coffee dates with old friends from out of town, a couple of bridal showers out of town, Easter and Mother's day gatherings, and getting back to the gym (or at least trying to with my new free membership), life has just seemed over the top.

It's been exactly what I didn't want after we got back from Thailand.

The visits with old friends have been great but always seem sandwiched between a bunch of obligations that have left me sapped for energy.

The weather has also been more rainy than not and never at the right time. Our front and backyards look terrible and no doubt our neighbours are ready for us to put a 'For Sale' sign out.

Speaking of which this idea too has popped up.

Wally and I have been talking a lot about moving somewhere a bit more conducive to his job. As it turns out not long after we bought our house he began traveling a lot more. Once a week he goes down the busiest highway in the country a good hour, and often he travels a couple hours down that same highway in the same direction to another city for work as well. Right now he gets paid mileage from our house to these places, which is costing us nothing ultimately for his travels in general (the days he doesn't go further he still drives over a half hour away to work). But, gas prices have sky rocketed and it would not be smart for us to continue this in the long run. Especially if I'm going to only work part time when (if it ever happens!) we have kids.


Moving also costs money though and requires much thought.

Do we move to the city he'll work in mostly? Will he have that job long enough to make it worth while? Do we want to raise our children there? I would have to give up the only agency I'd ever work in related to my field. There are tonnes of jobs everywhere in my field but I honestly don't think I could work in a group home again or under a different philosophy either, I just couldn't do it.

A strong possibility of a town we are considering is back closer to where we grew up. Both of our siblings live there which I think would be nice. But then our parents would all be closer to which has it's good points and not as enticing points. We've enjoyed the idea of less frequent visits yet often more meaningful (usually) from them but like the idea of the familiarity and convenience of being closer to everyone. We were told straight out from some family we'd never see them if we moved to certain places as they wouldn't travel in the 'chaos' of an unknown 'confusing' city. Feels great to be so loved (sarcasm strongly intended).

We'd love to go down to one vehicle (in principle anyways), it would likely save half my income (I guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was when it comes to thinking practically considering my reaction to the daycare stuff).

I started looking at houses, even though we are not thinking about moving for another year still, and I was sad. I love our little house and the small changes we've already made to make it ours. The thought of starting over AGAIN is overwhelming and exciting. It's such a difficult decision, one I wish someone could make for us. I love where we live now both the city and the area we are in close to a park, a swimming pool and two schools. It's quiet, just no longer practical.

Another drawback to moving to the very convenient place we're thinking of is that it feels weird. Ask anyone that has moved out of the area they grew up and are thinking or have thought about moving back after a period of time away and they will likely agree that it's an odd thought.

I compare it to putting a pair of your old favourite jeans back on. Even though you loved them at the time and couldn't imagine anything better, when you put them on again they don't feel the same, fit the same or look the same, something about them just isn't right.

Luckily we have a whole year to think on the possibilities. And pray for divine intervention.

In the mean time trying to let go of having control over the kid thing has also been an issue. It's not all about 'oh I'm not pregnant my life is over', it's more about 'do we really have to try? can't this just happen so we know what to do next?' I hate not being able to prepare for stuff.

I've also been attacked by different thoughts of 'Maybe we're not meant to have any kids and should just be at peace with it' maybe it's too late, we're too old to change our no kid life, our ten years of just us ways of life'. I don't know!!

Every once in a while I think about what it would be like to quit working altogether and just test the waters of what my life and philosophies on life would be like as a non working woman who falls into a traditional roll in a non traditional culture. What great things may come out of that?

I said to Wally last night that I notice the more I work the less on top of our money I am, the more that is spent without thought and the less money we actually seem to have. I hate this irresponsible attitude but it comes with the North American busy life way I think.

I don't like it.

I have felt rather misplaced lately. I don't' like that either.

What does a 31 year old working but unsatisfied woman, married ten years and wanting more out of life do? Where does she go?

I wish I had these answers, I really do.

If anyone has wisdom or advice I'm open, just be a little sensitive please. I'm not a complete stone.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

C U tomorrow

I might blog tomorrow ... we'll see.

Trying to figure out life's mysteries with little success.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Accomplishments and Realizations

Well it's been a while.

I've found that writing seems to come in waves and once the wave has passed I am knocked out and ready to just float for a while.

However, I have some exciting stuff to share (well exciting to me!).

As you may remember last Saturday was my 5K fundraiser for Compasio AND my first official 5K run.

In total we had 9 adults, 2 kids, 2 dogs and one baby (still in the womb).

Of those there we had 3 runners, 5 walkers, 1 biker, 2 stollers (well, 2 in one) and 2 panters (on leash), and 1 just riding the wave.

Altogether we raised $705!!! Which takes us to at least $4220 or higher (still unsure of cheques sent in) of my $10 000 goal! I'm pretty happy with that as we now just have a garage sale to go before I take a little break for a while and I'm hoping that will get us to the half way point.

I have to say on the day of the run I was super nervous. I had just completed my first 5K run on my own the previous Tuesday, but I knew this would be a bit different as there were a couple of serious hills in the route and I had never even run a hill before let alone in the longest run I'd done.

I also had only gotten 6 hrs of sleep the night before and not slept much the night before that. In addition my body had decided it would remind me of my femaleness which could not have been worse timing. (I had always avoided running during these lovely little reminders as I often feel as though my death is impending).

But, God gave me an incredible running partner who knew exactly how to encourage me and cheer me on.

As Glo and I topped our first hill very soon into the run I looked at her as if I might as well give up right then .... but she just gave me the ever 'You can do it!' expression she's always carrying.

I'm pretty sure there wasn't a second during the 5K that I didn't question myself. Not one step of it felt comfortable, enjoyable or .... good. I told myself over and over 'You can do this. YOu can do this. YOu can do this.' I even reminded myself of the facebook status that I would post when I was done, just to give me incentive.

When the 5K were finally done and we reached the invisable finish line by ourselves we hugged (as I eyed up the closest bench to sit on) and verbalized our success (well mine, Glo's a pro).

I noticed that it was only just over the 30 minute mark, far better than the last time by several minutes (Glo later told me we had done it in 31 minutes and 30 secs!!). I was very impressed considering how much work it felt like.

You know what the funny thing is about a challenge like this? I've learned that it's not completing the challenge that gives you the rush really ... it's going for the challenge, daring to believe you can do it (I know I sound like a cheese bag).

Seriously. I think I got more of a high out of deciding to do teh 5 K in the first place, out of telling people what my goal was, out of working on it over time.

Of course accomplishing it was amazing and it felt great to say I completed a goal but most of the excitement was really in the decision to go for the challenge.

Pretty cool actually. The process WAS the real show!

I've now of course decided that I want to try to run a 10 K. What would be really cool would be to do one with Glo at the end of June when she does one with her dad on a huge bridge near where she grew up (its a sort of famous bridge). We'll see.

I googled a training program for a 10 K and though it says anyone that does a 5K can do a 10 K with little issue or training I like the idea of preparing. My training program includes weight training. So of course I decided to start yesterday. I did the weight training and 'streching' (which was a yoga class at the gym with Glo) and can now barely walk, sit down or stand up without a lot of grumbling. In fact the young lady I was supporting heard my moans and groans today several times when getting in and out of the car and she asked if I was ok. Finally she said 'YOu need to go to doctor'.

I forgot how mentallyl tough training was and how physically painful the first couple weeks are. Yikes. Needless to say my pain has casued me to skip the 2 mile run that I was scheduled for today. Maybe I'll get ot my cross training tomorrow .... maybe. My focus is to get back to the weights over the next week or two.

Work has been crazy lately. Conferences last week and this, next week too. Shuffling of scheduling, training new staff and being trained and doing what I love most I think: advocating and trying to see how best to be a voice for those I support.

I find that my favourite shifts are definitely with those I feel that I getan opportunity to be a voice for. It may be in a small way like 'Is it the person I support who wants to spend their money that way or is it their staff?' or in a bigger way: making the call when I seriously wonder if some form of abuse could be happening. Ultimately I'm learning that my gut instict really needs to be heard and often acted upon.

I'm learning that when you really love an aspect of your job you don't pay a whole lot of attention to how long you work, when or the legistics, when you are passionate and care you do what needs to be done. I have felt that lately (at my job!!) It's very reassuring to me that I may not have completely struck out when choosing to work in this field and that maybe, just maybe I do have something to offer the people I support. This excites me.

A few things I wish right now ...

* that I could soak in a nice hot bath and relax my muscles (I can't for 2 reasons: We don't have a plug for our tub right now, and honestly I have no idea how I would ever get out of the tub once in - I'm in that much pain!)

* that my passion and possibly giftings didn't require me to be the bee in people's bonnets (oh well)

* I knew the answers to a few 'gut' feelings I've been having in my personal life lately

* that my parents hadn't seen the prenatal vitamins on our dining room table and now likely assume we'll be sharing news any day when that may never be a reality.

* that I made an appointment to get a hair cut a few weeks ago

* that Glo wasn't moving far away in a couple of months

* or that my closest friend wasn't going back to her land far away tomorrow

Anyhoo, I gotta roll into bed. I mean that very literally as actually movin my limbs may kill me.

Good night.