Tuesday, January 26, 2010


A brief note to say...

It kills me (perhaps this is a tad bit of an exaggeration) or maybe just drives me crazy.

Up the wall and around the corner.

Keeps me up at night (ok not really).

Talks to me in my sleep (well ... maybe not really with words).

The fact that I have a sitemeter seems to be an issue. Not because it tells me who's reading but more that it doesn't. Overall I think that's a very good thing. I mean if I knew I probably wouldn't be nearly as honest as I am. But it is strange knowing that people I see could actually know what's rattling around in my head. You know, people I wouldn't necessarily rattle on to.

Like I wonder how people that read this blog found it. Who they or you are. What they think (or maybe I don't want to know).

I've asked on a couple of occasions to share with me who you might be (practically begging for virtual friendship - ok I never denied desperation). I'm yet to have a complete stranger share. However I have met new people because of this blog and that is cool. I've also been reacquainted with people because of it as well.

I'm just curious.

Oh wait. That's not good. WE all remember what curiosity does ... it kills the cat Eva! Oh I miss Guy. Soooooo much.


Don't let me die.

Day 20 of Successfulness

It'd be really easy just to list off everything I ate and stuff everyday. To count of my calories and say 'you do the math', but that's not what I'm going to do. Who wants to read a blog like that?

Who wants to write a blog like that.

Not me.

Today was going ok until I got off work. I fantasized about a craving I was having (after having chatted with someone else at work about their thwarted efforts on weight loss). I find it incredible how a little tiny seed of thought can be planted (or in this case attracted) in your mind and develop so quickly and out of control.

I had no intentions today of any grocery run. No thoughts initially of needing ... well I won't say. But somehow the little bugger got in my head and wouldn't get out. (The thought that is). The funny thing is I wasn't even stressed really. Nope, not really. I was on the verge of hungry but not famished. For some reason hearing someone else talk about it and be able to identify with me so freely and easily seemed to implant the parasite safely into my brain. Grrrrr...

Anyways, here I sit having already counted up the calories of the day, because apparently that's what good dieter's do (never really done it before). I decided that I didn't need to have supper and wouldn't care to since I'm leaving again any minute. I've only been home for an hour.

I wonder how thoughts stick? I mean how do some thoughts stay with you while others run far, far away? For instance: why don't I get hounded by thoughts of fruits and vegetables? Why not be implanted with thoughts of lean meats and great spices?

I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't.

I met up with one of my team members today. She lost 10 pounds the first two weeks. I'd guess she was about my size (or was). She's the one I like (or liked ... just kidding). She was smiling and happy. I was mostly happy for her and partly just jealous.

Anyhoo, this willn't turn into a 'poor me' post or blog for that matter.

On a different front...

When Wally and I were out for our night walk last evening he proposed a thought he had to me. He said 'I wonder if you are someone that will never be happy with where they are in life. Always wishing for something else. Never satisfied.' (Something to this affect).

Of course I gasped, got immediately angry and almost killed him on the spot. I defended myself asked how he could ever say such a thing about a person who has always made it her anthem to love what you do, where you are at and find contentment in those places no matter where they are.

I'm not perfect but I will say I am someone who believes that change won't necessarily bring about happiness. I do believe that you need to be content where you are at before you will ever be able to enjoy anything else.

Oh my goodness ... I'm having a 'kick in the pants' moment.

*Long Pause*

I say all of this. I believe all of this and in so many areas in my life I live all of this. But there is one place I don't. One place I don't feel like I can. One place that I plead to God that I don't have to be content with.

Geez man.


I don't know how. How do I be content with my body the way it is when I am not content with how I treat my body. Or maybe it's how I treat food.


I kind of think it must be easy to confuse body image (what you see)and your mind's image (what you think). My mind really is the culprit here. It's what seems to get me into all of these problems. With it's wandering thoughts and silly ideas. I guess it is a lot less about controlling my body and a lot more about controlling my mind. Right?

There's this saying that is posted in many apartments of those I support who need help going through troubling situations. It goes like this: Stop, Think and Go. I think that's what it is. I'll have to check.

It makes sense. When I'm in a 'zone' of obsessive thoughts there's no getting out - it seems anyway. It's during those times I could use some 'stop'. Then some 'think' (like think about something else!!!) and 'go' (not the direction of the grocery store).

Oh dear. This seems really to be a problem of the mind and heart. I think I need a shrink. Wally actually suggested that too. Did I mention that already?

Anyways I gotta run. More work to do and another long, long day tomorrow.

I hope I can figure at least a little piece of the mystery out.

Contentment ...