Sunday, August 29, 2010

Hiccups and other progress

Hello again!

As I've mentioned before my writing hunger has subsided as of late however I felt the need to come clean with you all about something.

First of all, I know I started a 'body blog' but I seemed to abandon it weeks ago as I clearly am unable to juggle two at once. Oh well, the apocalypse didn't occur so I think I'm safe.

The past 2 weeks of my clean eating pursuits have been less than stellar. In fact they have been a genuine struggle for me. Which is rather odd since I have educated myself so greatly to the effects and consequences of 'unclean' eating. I guess it goes to show you that ultimately it all comes down to our own choices in the end.

It's been the social times that have been my downfall and have slowly but surely steered me away from my usual clean choices while out. On a good note it has seemed to have hit me in a trickle of situations that I have made choices to consciously and seemingly rationally go against my commitment in such a way that didn't seem to be breaking my own rules at all (ok so I'm not sure if that's really a good note).

Now, if I felt ready to begin my allowances for 'cheating' (you know, the so loved cheat meal) I would not be bothered so much, but since I have seen how one choice leads to another and so on and so forth I now know why I have made the decision to be so strict with myself and why.

Though I will confess I am to some degree disappointed with myself, in another way I am very proud because my weakest point in my past with food has been the emotional binge that occurs alone and with baked goodies. And that my friends, I have not succumbed to. THAT am I so proud of and must sit and celebrate because this means I am still awake and aware of what I am doing and have just trusted myself a little too much with liberties I am not yet ready for.

I was going through the grocery store yesterday to pick up a brownie mix to make for some of Wally's school friends (yeah, I don't clean bake for anyone but Wally, me I'm way too cheap). I had thought about my less than stellar choices lately and almost picked myself up some chocolate covered almonds, I mean almonds are good right? and what does it matter anyway I knew I'd be enjoying some oil filled, artery clogged brownies later anyway as I'd gone astray...

I even walked myself out of the way right to the bulk candy section to purposefully indulge in one of my favourite treats, having a mental competition with myself as I made the journey.

I shocked myself completely when I floated right past them without even stopping. Somewhere along the road I had a conversation in my head and quickly won the battle. I'm not even sure how. I believe a brief flash of reality whipped through my mind and I admitted to myself that the one thing I had yet to fail myself with during my past two months of clean eating (or my version of such) was the fact that I had yet to personally, on my own, by myself, purchase anything like this and I knew that meant a great deal. (Any 'cheating' was done in a social context which still isn't ideal but is somehow redeeming for me).

I won that very important battle and it made me happy. Very happy.

After enjoying pizza at our social occasion (and brownies and oatmeal cookies that would've definitely all been banned at a Tosca Reno convention, I mean they wouldn't have even been allowed to be burned at the alter).

I decided it was time to shape up as I had certainly learned and was reminded why I had made the decision to go clean for 6 months in the first place.

I made the decision to learn the flavours and tastes of pure whole foods without them being tainted by manufactured .... crap (sorry no other adjectives seem appropriate).

I wanted my taste buds and body to become accustomed to natural healthy foods so that when occasions occurred including my former addictions I'd be prepared with a highly trained palette and body to react in such a way that I either wouldn't want to eat those things again OR that it would only be capable of enjoying a taste before turning on me.

I have come a long way in training these things however I am still in the process not to be let go of. I have learned in the past two weeks that when you reacquaint yourself with the old ways on more than one occasion in a short period of time it is not hard to get used to them. This is a great lesson to learn and one I am thankful for. (Though I am not looking forward to going through the craving stage again, I'll get through though - I'm determined).

The old me would've taken this opportunity of what seems to be failure, to quit. The new me sees it as a chance to learn and be reminded of what I really want for my life. This doesn't make doing it any easier. However by sharing my struggle with you I feel as though it may help you know that perfection in the journey does not exist. You will fall, you will disappoint yourself, and you will make mistakes.

But, as we often hear: It's what you choose to do afterwords that makes the difference.

I'm so glad with every lesson that comes along we don't seem to get the first time, we almost always get a chance to try again.

It's so strange. This is the first time in my life that I have been able to hold on to what I believe, in regards to my healthy life, through the struggle of getting there (yes, even though I'm not there yet). Usually I give up and tell myself that my goal or dream is for 'other people'. Not anymore, now I know it's for me too if I truly want it. And I do.

As I've journeyed my dreams have expanded very little by very little. I never started out day one to become a bikini model or an advocate of eating perfection. Neither one of those things are my current goals. However the further I maintain focus and allow myself to fixate on the things I do want, the more I believe the others things are also possible. It's quite amazing.

I am continuing to learn that this and probably everything else is about the process, making me less anxious about my 'lessons' along the way that seemingly trip me up but in reality probably skip me steps forward because they are permanent lessons learned. What an amazing thing!!!!!

I mean the reason that I used to give up diets and new eating plans or exercise tries so often was because they were 'all or nothings'. I either had to start Monday and get it right all week or I would give up at my first failure. Now I realize that failure isn't failure, it's learning what not to do, what attitude to release, or what behaviour needs to be tweaked. All of these years I've been fighting the process and now I'm submitting to it. (Slowly but surely).

If you are walking through this little journey (whether it's about your body or anything else) with me don't give up when things don't go perfectly, hang on tight and keep your eyes on the prize. You will get there. IF you don't let go. Just make sure it's something you believe in.

When I started I would never have believed in my current goals, so I had goals that I could believe in. Then as I got closer they changed and I set new goals and I'm still doing so (again, not just with my body but many other things!!). You will amaze yourself!

My intent isn't to sound all new agey and stuff. Just to share with the lessons I'm being taught. Trust me when I say that I'm quite sure I get far more out of writing these things out than you do!


(P.S. I have also come to realize that we can be taught the same lesson a hundred times over, not because we've failed - I think they are just reminders).