Monday, May 31, 2010

Add on to the previous post

I really feel as though I need to add, for the many we know who do home school, I do respect any parent that can teach their child full time. It takes incredible commitment and patience. AND I completely know and understand that each child and situation is different.

I feel the need to remind those reading that I believe we should each do what is right for us. These were just my thoughts on how things have changes for Wally and I. Not thoughts on how we feel the world as a whole should do things ...

AND I completely realize that should OUR situation and thoughts change, we may be coming to the homeschooling parents out there for help - have mercy on us!!!

There you go.

Now if you are a homeschooling parent maybe you should add in your two cents. I've given mine. I'm sure there is a view I haven't heard. Mine was posted from a 'trying not to be an overprotective Christian parent' view. You may be coming from a 'My kid deserves a fair chance in this world' view. Or a 'You didn't think of this Eva' view.

I ask for your thoughtful perspective ...

Because whether we do things the same or different, I respect it.


Sunday, May 30, 2010

Faith Stuff

I can't sleep so I'm going to see if I'm able to get out one of the posts I mentioned before...

Today I mentioned Wally and I had another great afternoon date. We drove an hour out of the way so that I could scratch a craving itch I was having for a great burger with everything on it and some onion rings. It was so worth the drive.

While we sat in the nearly empty dive of a restaurant we eased into some rather deep discussions about life, living, the meaning of it all and just where exactly we stood. Or didn't stand.

I feel the need to put out a disclaimer saying that I never ever intend on offending or turning anyone off by my thoughts or honesty. I am not ever really trying to win an argument or push my opinions onto anyone reading. My blog is where I throw out my thoughts in hopes that I myself can figure things out (often with the helps of your comments, often not). Just remember this.

Many of you may know that Wally and I both were raised in church and to some degree in Christian homes. We both went to church every week. We both made serious decisions in our faith early in our youth. We both were and are sincere about what we believe. But what do we believe?

Well, over the past several years what we believe has changed a lot in some ways and not at all in others. I have to note as well that I know had we not shared this faith we would not have found ourselves together as it was the primary reason we were drawn to one another.

I have to admit though now, our faith as we knew it is not the only thing that draws us together. We have actually grown to love each other as people without the same faith we used to share (but rather a new one) and have learned to like each others differences (well ... most of the time). Sometimes the drastic change in how we now live out our faith startles me and even at times gets me worried as it is so different from what we've always known or even believed to be right in the past.

When we married we both felt 'called' to full time ministry life. Meaning working for a pay check in a church or on the 'mission field' (yuck I hate that terminology!). We were honoured to serve God relentlessly in a way we thought would bring Him 'glory' by giving unlimited time, do whatever anyone in ministry asked us to do, staying completely and over the top involved in church stuff. Whether it gave us 'Wally and Eva' time or not.

We were prepared to have a family and to 'train them up the way they should go'. Which really to us meant possibly keeping them out of the public school system, keeping them loyal members of Sunday School, and teaching them all of the important parables and stories of Jesus. From what we were taught in church culture raising your children Christian was about teaching, teaching, teaching.

It was thinking about our possible future family that made me think about our old thoughts and wonder about our new ones.

What are our new ones?

I'll share on one condition: remember these are our thoughts right now, and they have come out of our personal experiences. We do our best not to compare our thoughts and ideas against those of others that may do things differently. We realize we don't have children and that things could and probably will change. We are both works in progress...

Here are some changes:

I used to think about home schooling because of the same reasons many people home school. Often a better education for your children, one-on-one time with them, you can use time to teach Bible stories and principals, more family time and well you know what they are learning. Also, many people who home school (Christians I mean), don't want their children to get mixed up in 'worldly' things or people. They feel if they keep them learning at home they are safer and perhaps more prepared to face the 'world' when there are adults.

Now: For me and Wally. We've been stretched after working with at risk youth to remember that the only way 'the world' is to be reached (and by that I mean loved) is for those who love to get out there and do it. We feel now, that (again for us) we would be able to do a better job teaching our kids to love others their own age by sending them to a public school (although I'd definitely be open to a Catholic school as I feel love could definitely be spread around there too - anywhere really). We could actually teach them practically how to be a 'light' the way we are naturally meant to be a 'light'. We both often felt sheltered by our Christianity and isolated from the world. Initially we thought that was good but once out in the big bad world had no idea how to relate to others that weren't Christians - we didn't realize the love is a universal language, Christianity as we knew it(with the: 'washed in the blood of the lamb', being 'saved' and all the other lingo) wasn't.

I could easily add that neither Wally nor I are people that could do a door to door sales pitch for our faith. We are relationship people - good or bad, that's what we are. We are touched my other's love through their actions towards us and their relationship to us 90% of the time. People's words matter maybe the other 10%. So that's why we'd go that route - and this would be good experience for us too. Those who are 'sold' by door to door sales people would likely be drawn to door to door sharing of faith. That is fine for them, whatever floats your boat. You probably just wouldn't be that convincing for us (yes, even if your were Christian).

On the school front: I also believe that as a parent, even if you send your kid to school, you are still your kid's primary teacher and you need to make that a priority.

I've asked Wally a few times in the past year or two about what we would do if we had kids about how to teach them stuff about faith, seeing as we no longer attend a church (though are connected to a home group) with anything for our kids to do.

We both still believe in the key elements of the Christian faith (though we question ourselves - I think it's mostly due to the fact that we live and think so differently than we used to and know that church types would be questioning us as well). However we aren't sure if we want to teach our children too much about the doctrine of the Christian faith. Until they perhaps ask when they are older and even then I think we'd prefer to encourage them to seek things out themselves.

For those Christian's reading that grew up in regimented Sunday School or Churches this will probably be a stretch. I'm going there anyway. Try to hear me out.

Wally and I have no issues believing in the Christian doctrine but both struggle with the fact that people through out the centuries have turned what is a most amazing love story of sacrifice and relationship into a formula. Into rules. Into ... something so far removed from the beauty (we feel) it was meant to be that the personhood of God has been lost somewhere.

We both have struggled in keeping (who we see as) God in a relationship. We've been taught so much about Him, heard so many stories of old, and be told who and what He would or should be to us, when we chose to believe, that it seemed to take all of the beauty out of meeting Him for ourselves.

I was saying to Wally today that I kind of wondered if it would be best not to overload our kids with Bible info but rather give them an incredible (yet obviously imperfect) example of what it means to love like God by how we live our lives. And when they ask why we do what we do, just give them little nibbles of who we've learned God to be to us and maybe things we've discovered in the Bible (as it does hold amazing information). But only really when they ask. Have faith, they will ask.

I said today that sometimes being told and taught so much about God in Sunday School and Church sort of ruins the surprise of meeting Him for yourself, and kind of taints your view one way or another before you get to really meet Him on your own. It's kind of like if I were to tell you all about my very best friend and said how great they were and all of the amazing things about them. I'd go on and on and likely paint them in an unrealistic light. You would meet them and agree or disagree, or think 'yeah she was dead on about that, but way off about this'. Also many Christians teach the perfect time of day to pray and do 'devotions' (I can't tell you how much I hate that term!!!), they tell you how often you should do whatever and on and on. Then comes all the formulas ... blah, blah, blah.

I don't know about you but I know that every relationship I have is different. If I measure my relationship with my husband to you and your relationship with your partner and start setting all of the rules to be the same when our lives and relationships and the people we are, are indeed so vastly differently - well, let's just say one size does not fit all. (In my opinion that is). We take the relating away and all of a sudden have made our relationship a structured plan.

(Don't get me wrong I know that sometimes we need an element of structure - ie. set a date to hang out, make a commitment to that person, etc. I'm getting at the fact that often structure turns into obligation without spontaneity ... sounds so fun eh?)

Back to the concept of revealing too much information. Not that I think God is disappointing, I don't think if we know God truly that we could ever be disappointed. But I think as humans we are unable to fathom so much about Him and just think how much inaccurate information gets passed on about it - as we are indeed human.

I also think we do a great job of sugar coating how great life is 'with Faith' or God. I kind of think of it like marriage. When someone commits to it I say to myself 'Geez, they definitely have no idea what they are getting themselves into'. I think that is a reasonable thought to have about someone entering marriage but it shouldn't be what I think when someone begins to live with faith and love in their lives. But I do because my experience has been challenging, more so within the Church setting.

I'm not saying life with faith should or shouldn't be challenging. Life period is challenging and in order to grow we have to be challenged. I just don't think that people should be ushered into it (just as in marriage) with romantic feelings of 'this is how it will be - la la la'. One way or the other.

I may be coming off as thinking that I totally know what I'm talking about, I really only know what my experience has been. And like I said before, I'm quite positive I'll have different thoughts not too far down the road.

I know this:

The further along I get in life the less I know for sure.

I believe for some reason God wanted us here and created the most amazing and beautiful place for us to live because He loves us.

I believe something got messed up along the way that wasn't in His original plan.

I believe He set the example of true love to fix whatever got messed up.

I believe He really just wants us to follow His great example of true love the best we know how until things get ironed out.

I believe all of the other details that get everyone tied up in knots are human's ways of avoiding loving each other they way they were meant to.

I don't know ... just what I'm thinking.

By the way, we still feel called to 'full time ministry'. It just has a brand new definition to us now:

Living everyday loving others, ourselves and each other the best we know how.

We're still not all that good at it, but we are admittedly both works in progress...

I met my match

I had to know it was going to happen. I just didn't think it would happen so fast.

I think this happens whenever anyone makes a big decision or discovery in their lives. The fates (whoever they are) or God or whoever gets their kicks off of watching us here on earth, send along someone to test our belief and commitment to our new found 'way of life'.

Seeing as I haven't even had a chance to get past my final long long week of work I can say that I certainly did not expect it occurring so quick. But I am glad it did.

A mere 24 hours after deciding to cut back on my work schedule I am in a kitchen of someone I was supporting with another staff. We found ourselves chatting about our schedules, a certain team we are both on and how crazy things can get doing what we do.

Our conversation meandered through our hours and losing our weekends when we started and then pretty much every day except one out of each week.

I mentioned to Toughy that I had just started take my every other weekends off and guarding them with my life. She looked at me with quizzical eyes and gave me a 'That must be nice' look, in fact she may have even said it. She followed it up by adding that she's been collecting too many hours and had to go in to ask for help from management to get rid of like 8-10 hours a weeks that she'd taken on over the max for the next few weeks.

Toughy talked about how insane life was with her new fiance and her son, and not being able to spend time with them really. As I listened and agreed with the challenge of this lifestyle I could tell she felt more able to share her frustrations with it, knowing she wasn't coming across as weak I think.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to share but I did anyway and mentioned that I had booked a week of unpaid time off in June (her super busy month) because I just needed to stop and take some time. Perhaps in the back of my mind I hoped that I could help her find some reason to see that she deserved a break, that she probably needed one and that by me saying I needed one she'd feel 'permission' to take one too.

Well, not so sure it worked. After I told her this she gave me an even more intense 'Must be nice' look. I flatly said: 'I need time. I need a break from this to live. I want a life.' We chatted a bit more about it but let the conversation go. I only had a slight pang of self condemnation but for the most part was very proud of myself. Not just for sharing what could be seen as my weakness with her, but sharing what I was going to do about, even if she saw it differently.

The more I practice this guarding of my time and my need for it the better I feel about my decision.

Now I am brought to yesterday.

I was chatting with another young staff at work while relaying shift info. She works full time at a day job and work nearly full time (or so she says) at my place of employment. There were some shift changes and since I put in an extra long day yesterday and was scheduled to work an 8 hour day and a full week, and she was going to unexpectedly lose 4 hours I offered her the last half of my shift today. She gladly took it.

I mentioned generally that I was trying to keep my hours to a certain number so that I could participate in my life. What a stupid thing to say to someone who works two full time jobs and isn't in a long term relationship.

She immediately pridefully announced that she works 36 1/2 hours at her day job and often 38 hours at this job. She mentioned that this job could be a challenge but 'Hey, we love our job right?' Of course. But I also like to live my life too, I mentioned that.

I so used to be that person. The person that took so much pride in working every waking hour, even though I was crabby and beat and drained at the end of the day.

Now I am really working on being proud of trying to be a good wife, a passionate Liver of life, a thinker, a writer, a hopefully decent friend, someone who can help out another person without getting a pay check, a growing human being. I think those are good aspirations.

I still struggle with feeling validating for taking the time, but I know that will iron itself out as I obey my limits and just let go and be who I am supposed to be. I know that if I don't I'll miss out on important relationships, incredible revelations and possibly even becoming a mother. I want those things, more than I want people to think I'm the hardest working person around.

Who knew this would be a challenge?

I'm up for it.

(I hope me talking about this issue isn't like beating a dead horse. It's something I struggle with so it's something I'll write about. Feel free to skip the boring ones!)

I'm ba-ack

Ahhhhhhhh... feels so good.

You know what's frustrating sometimes though? The fact that I have days that give me excellent blog material but I never get the chance to sit down and write about them. That frustrates me.

But I'm here today with about 4 posts in my head and currently have no clue as to which one might come out first.

Hmmmmm... let's see.

Maybe I'll start off with some random happiness.

I committed myself to wearing a sleeveless top (or tank top) for the past three days in a row. For those of you who don't know me well, this is a big deal. I'm a rather modest dresser. I used to think it was because I was spiritual, now it's more because of low confidence. Well, I am now at least one shade darker than my regular pasty white skin colour and a tad more confident - very impressive.

I went out and bought an expensive bra yesterday. I love it and now wonder if I'll ever be able to cheap out again. (Seriously, it makes the fact that I lost 4 inches around my chest not so depressing.)

I also purchased myself some new sandals yesterday. I spent $69.99 plus tax on them. Never in my life, EVER, have I done such a thing. They have been worth every red cent. They are flip floppy and comfortable. The first pair I've never had to 'break in'!!! (NO BLISTERS!!!!) Amazing.

Yesterday an issue arose putting me in the place where I had to decide between my hours off and the person I was supporting's well being. I chose their well being instantly and was all mama bear about it. I've never felt those instincts kick in before like that (and some may say it's unprofessional for them to come out at work), but they were there. I'm no hero and I know the answer isn't always being protective but it was needed yesterday and I'm glad I did it. My 6 hours turned into 10 1/2 and I honestly didn't mind one of them. I could be a mom someday. I could. But, if I am, I better never have access to a gun because I'm afraid that if anyone tried to hurt my kid I'd shoot them.

Wally and I shared another amazing Sunday afternoon together just eatin' and chattin'. We had a great talk and really enjoyed each other. Today I liked him a lot and loved him too.

Have I mentioned that I'm retreating soon? I think I have, right? During my 10 days off I'm taking a couple of nights and actually taking off. I don't know where yet, but I am. I don't remember the last time I was alone. I told my mama tonight that I was going away or a couple of days during my little vacay. She asked 'With who?' I said 'Me'. She was ok with that, and so was I.

I miss you Bex, we need to hang out soon.

My birthday party is Friday - YAY!! I hope the 3 people that said they were coming do, but even if they don't I'm planning lots of fun! I think we'll have a good time :)

I am really thankful for Dee and his acceptance of my sense of humour. A lot.

I need to get (I mean I want to get) a pedicure so bad, but I keep putting it off.

For the first time in the 2 years since we moved I miss having our house. I'll get over it. We've stopped looking at houses as Wally and I don't agree on what our financial state should be when we buy. He's careful and responsible, I'm carefree and irresponsible. Someday we'll even it out. Hopefully before we become the appropriate age to live in Wrinkleville.

I feel so good in this moment I feel a little guilty. Damn judgment.

Friday I was wandering through the mall and bought a bunch of cards because I like sending people cards for no reason. In fact I think that's the best reason to actually buy an over priced piece of paper - I rarely do it for birthdays or appropriate occasions, but I will gladly do it for non occasions. Sometimes I'll buy a get well card for someone who's fine or a birthday card because I like it and just erase the 'get well' or 'happy birthday'. Why do we always need to follow the rules?

Tomorrow the beginning of my next 12 week challenge (for myself) begins, I am unusually excited about this. I feel like I have learned so much about myself, my health, and my thinking in the past three months that I can't wait to see what happens in the next three. I actually believe in myself and know that I will achieve all that I want and more. I've never felt that way before, it's incredible.

Today I talked on the phone with my mama for 17 minutes and 34 seconds (I think that's like a record). We had a nice little chat, and even made a date during my down time. At the end I said: 'I love you!' and she said 'I love you too'. That's a big deal. Now I want to cry. I am so grateful. Tell someone you normally wouldn't tell that you love them (well make sure it's not like the mail man - unless of course you have that kind of a thing with your mail man. In which case I'd consider getting some counseling ...)

I really love having had the chance to get to know some of you all out in reader land lately. Whether it was through an e-mail, a coffee visit, a party, or whatever. It's been such a gift to me - Thank you again for accepting my honesty.

I know these thoughts were all over the land, but sometimes random scenery is good.

This scenery was on my heart, now I hope it's on yours.

Friday, May 28, 2010

A little a this, A little a that.

Some this:

I was at a nursing home the other day for work. An old couple who didn't fit into the dining room were in the common are with me and Dolly watching tv over dinner. Dr. Phil was on and he'd given a lady personal trainers, therapy and a face lift. The old lady commented on how Dr. Phil's wife looks like 'a million bucks', then followed it up with 'Well, she can look like that because she can afford all of those trainers and a little nip and tuck when she wants'.

I really wanted to slap her but stopped myself because I used to think the exact same thing (it's that judgmental issues). I now know that it doesn't matter what you have access to, you are the one that decides what you will do or not do. (I love that I have a trainer, but I had to sacrifice something else to get it - kinda like my body).

I learned today it's normal for a woman to gain 2-3 pounds of muscle during 12 weeks of training - 8 is abnormal. In this case I like being abnormal.

I am beginning to see that I CAN do this.

I bought myself a bunch of tank tops yesterday. Skimpy ones, less skimpy ones, ones you need a strapless bra for, ones that are only missing sleeves. This sweaty girl may be in love.

I no longer care about wearing low cut tops (meaning showing what's supposed to be cleavage). After my assessment I've learned that I lost 4 inches around my chest (only 3 around my hips). If you knew my body type you would understand why I can wear low cut tops now. (Hint: there's nothing to see but padding, if padding makes you happy - go right ahead).

During my workouts I am certain my death is coming soon. When they are over I never feel as though I've done enough.

I listen to music while I'm working out that completely offends me, but it has a beat to it that helps me get the job done. I'll repent ... someday.

Some that:

I'm taking baby steps in regards to my schedule (I realize I can't be fixed over night). I'm not working over 40 hrs a week in June but I am working between 35-40. It's a start, I'll get there. I will.

I feel like I'm starting to love Wally more. Some people expect that this should just be, since we're married and all. I never take having good feelings for someone for granted, especially him.

I realized this morning that I was home for over an hour and had not petted Sweet once (Sour doesn't give a rat's behind if I look at him). I saw him looking up at me with sad eyes and gave him a head rub. If it's that easy to forget about the cute beings in your life that need your love, how easy must it be to forget the ... not so cute beings that need your love.

In the past week I have realized that time for me is truly like air. I need it to live. Don't fool yourself, so do you.

When I got wrapped up into work for months I wondered to myself if I'd blogged out all of my thoughts and was all 'dried up'. In the past couple of weeks I have come to understand that without my 'time' I don't produce deeper thoughts. I just 'coast' through. Think about how many great thinkers and livers (not the organ) there are out there that don't give themselves a change to think, grow or live because they are too busy with 'life'. How incredibly sad. Make sure I get out alive!!!

I've decided that I would really like to make the invitation list for my funeral. There's absolutely no reason why there should ever be 500 people at my funeral when I can only get 3 people to come to my birthday party. (And no I'm not trying to guilt anyone, these are my thoughts and they are said with a joyful smile).

Happy Birthday to me!


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Gym Guy and the Revealing of The Challenge

Well, today was my post 12 weeks of personal training appointment with Gym Guy (someone I'd never had the pleasure of meeting before). I was so excited. (At this point you probably don't realize I'm being sarcastic, but I am).

I had every intention in the world in skipping this lovely meeting of two separate worlds (the fitness consultant and the consulted) but Dee was rather insistent on me going to find out my results thus far (half way through my torture sessions). You see there are 12 week contests that you are signed up for and there are prizes for those who lose the most whatevers. For some silly reason Dee got it in his head that I could possibly win him something, or myself. There are all sorts of prizes.

Knowing that I hadn't put in my entire all (just perhaps say 75% of it) I knew I wouldn't get anything but I figured it may be good to see my progress. If nothing else my percentage of body fat (as that's what everyone keeps sayin' is important).

Anyhoo, I made my appointment with the Gym Guy (I got the Gym Gal for my initial fitness consultation and loved her, Wally had Gym Guy and hated him), I knew this could be fun - for one of us.

I arrived 5 minutes early to see Dee deep in concentration at the bar writing something out. I made a few jokes about it and learned he was doing up a menu for Skinny Chick. Skinny Chick was the 'Manager' who introduced us to the gym when we first inquired and gave us a tour. She weighs 135 pounds and is somewhere around my height or a tad shorter. She's sweet as pie and has a super high pleasant voice. I'm quite sure she'd allow bees to sting her, just to be nice to them.

I of course nearly fell off of my stool when he said Skinny wanted an 'eating plan', because apparently she wants a bikini body. I'm thinking 'Are you kidding me? All that will be left of her are a couple of bones and if she's lucky her liver.' Dee insisted she was not crazy, I maintained that both he and her were and I waited.

While I waited I complained about doing the consultation, about the fact he never made me a menu plan, and a bit more about having to be man handled by Gym Guy. Until Dee's gal Cherry Blaster took him away and Gym Guy appeared to whisk me off to The Room.

Dee quickly informed Gym Guy that I was too hard on myself and that I had gotten great results. When Gym Guy asked how my day was going I said it woudl be better when I left and that I was only here because Dee insisted. Gym Guy asked (rather seriously) if I was depressed. I never said ... 'ahhhhh ...'

We entered The Room, you know, where all of the magic happens. Dreams are realized, goals are achieved, people cry, thank God for the academy award ... oh wait wrong event. Anyways, we settled in and Gym Guy immediately asked me a bunch of questions like: 'What gets you excited in life? What are your goals? Has working out with your husband improved your marriage?'

I'm thinking: 'Settle down cowboy, we just met. I don't get naked on the first date.'

Instead I stood there and resisted telling him my new found passion for writing, or that I loved 'connecting with people', or that my relationship with Wally had deepened in an interesting way that I couldn't spit out in four words or less.

I thought to myself 'This guy could really use a lesson in communication foreplay if you ask me'. But no one asked so I kept that thought to myself.

While we ... sort of chatted, I stepped on the scale, off the scale, put my arms up, arms down, bent this, bent that, pulled up, yanked down and then got pinched a bunch of times in various places. It was all so fun (sarcasm fully intended).

At one point Gym Guy asked what I did for a living. I told him I worked with people with disabilities. He said: 'Do you find them really frustrating?'. I thought: 'Not nearly as frustrating as you pal.'

Another time he asked me if I knew what a certain muscle was and why it was important blah, blah, blah and I said no. He said 'It's called the thingamajigeritisofusagus muscle and it's used for scratching your head' (Ok I'm not quoting directly).

I respond with 'Oh yeah I knew that I just forgot'. I waited a good 3 seconds before saying the often unnecessary 'Just kidding'. and he said: 'Oh I thought you were being serious. (He really did). I took a deep breath in and realized what I was dealing with. Wally's assessment of him was dead on.

I continued my dry humour giving him no bone to chew the entire time. I asked a question about my blood pressure to which he replied 'Yeah it could have been up because you are anxious, or went down the stairs or you saw a hot guy or something (insert his smirk and my eye rolling)'.

He went over my results with me in full. I learned that I lost 21 pounds of fat, gained 8 pounds of muscle, lost 10% of my overall body fat. My body age before was 37 and now it's 32, another 5 years is good. I lost 22 inches over half of my body (I'm not sure what happened to the other half - they didn't measure it I guess).

So I guess that's good. Not really sure. I know I didn't do my very best, but I did it while doing life at a normal pace and don't feel like I had to live unrealistically to get this accomplished. I am very glad that we have another 12 weeks to keep seeing improvement.

He went over what a healthy weight goal would be for me right now, which helped me feel better about what I should be aiming for.

The whole process took a max of 20 minutes. Felt like longer, but I survived.

I'm wondering if now's a good time to share my new challenge with you....

Probably it is.

I am a little scared to share this. For a couple of reasons. I feel as though it will come across vain and I'm afraid I'm not ready to go for the challenge.

I don't have a time limit on my challenge really because I'm not sure how you measure mental state.

Ok so my physical challenge is: to achieve a weight of 145 pounds and/or approximately a body fat percentage of 19%.

My mental challenge is: to accept this healthy living thing. Accept myself the way that I am. Accept that I'm good enough here, just like I'll be good enough there. Accept that I can do this.

I CAN do this.

Though I know I have a lot of work to do in the gym ... and the kitchen. I know I have ten times more work to do in my head in this area of me.

Dee told me the other day that the fact that I'm intelligent makes this harder for me. He said that I am constantly looking for and trying to figure out an easier way to get results, rather than giving in and accepting the truth of what you have to do to get what you want. He said I needed to just accept the process, accept my results (be excited for them), accept this new life.

Therefore, I am going to focus on that this round about. I am not going to think that if I don't achieve everything in 12 weeks that I'm a failure - every step in the right direction is a worth while step. Instead I'm going to really focus on my thoughts and changing my attitude towards myself during this time.

Of course that doesn't negate the fact I'm going to have to haul some serious ass in the gym. Ugh.

There you go. That's my challenge.


(I love that I can't get distracted by trying to measure this myself every week, because I can't. It's do the work, stay focused on what I need to do, and change my inner thoughts. I do it or I don't, no way of cheating here).

More importantly.

100% acceptance of the little girl inside who struggled with suicide when she was only 8 years old over being bullied about her weight.

That will be the real challenge.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


I am working a 12 hour day tomorrow so I know that I will not get to blogging but I really wanted to share some good thoughts and maybe some random ones with you before Tuesday...

My little (or big) 'A-HA' moment yesterday has opened my eyes incredibly to the vast changes I need to make, along with the comments posted AND the ones sent to me via e-mail. I'm going to be working on one serious overhaul in my life.

This overhaul will include and definitely help my with my 'new challenge' that is yet to be revealed. I'm not sure that it will make the whole thing easier but perhaps more possible. That's good.

Ever since my 'revelation' I have felt as if the world is brighter and I can breathe again (well as long as I don't think about the financial loss for too long). I know it'll be worth it.

Today, even though our place was once again hit by 'Hurricane Eva' (as Wally puts it) I went back to bed around 10 am just to catch a nap. I don't remember the last time I napped (I am very good at this when given the opportunity).

When I finally got up and took a shower, I came out to Wally having done the dishes, and he was folding and putting away the laundry. (Not that he never helps out or anything but doing so without being asked on a day I needed it is nothing short of amazing - I may have caught the glimpse of a pig in the air).

Wally and I spontaneously went on a date this afternoon which though it was simple I will count as our list item and talk about it later. I will say that it was good.

Due to the holiday this weekend our poor dogs are scared senseless. Sweet literally had the poop scared out of him while on our walk!

Wally and I decided to begin looking at houses to buy, just for fun. We quickly learned why we shouldn't have done this as we found one we're in love with, but know we aren't where we want to be financially if I'm not going to be working full time. We're trying really hard to fight off the urge to be irresponsible.

I found out today that I think I may be lactose disgruntled. I ate frozen yogurt after breakfast (yeah, it was the end of the container. Well it was after I scooped it out ...). I've felt ill the rest of the day. I haven't had much dairy at all for the past 3 months. I'm not planning on having much in the next 3 after feeling nauseous all day.

Today I felt happy and hopeful for the first time in a long while. I plan on this week being my last 40 plus hour week for a long time. What's wrong with 30?

Nothing. I love every part of thirty. I think it's my 'lucky' number this year. Or at least it's my favourite one.

At least until I'm thirty one ... I'll try not to let that affect my work though.


What was supposed to be the 'egg' post

I'm going to warn you that this post is going to be way more than just the description of the egg eating.

After the party I got word that one of my invites (an old high school friend) did not get a personalized note card. If you don't remember those were our party favours. I wrote a personal note to each person there telling them what their role in our lives has meant to us. When I was doing this I never made a list, I never double checked, I did not cover my ass. Silly me.

As a result I forgot to write this friend a note. She was the only one of 120 I forgot. Lucky for me it was her as she looked at it as a reason for us to get together and chat over brunch (I'm so glad it was her and not Aunt Harriet!).

This friend Saz was one of my close school friends growing up. She was in my wedding as well. We've had rough patches like any good friendship and have in recent years let life settle in and grow us apart. Saz was a bit closer to me than Sasha as I've know Saz since first grade. We liked to gossip together, laugh together and ... gossip together.

In my opinion in the last few years of our friendship it was the gossiping together and such that probably helped with the separation growth. Neither of us really came out and said ever why we'd rather suddenly felt an unspoken rift but I think we both knew (I'd say rift is a tad strong of a word but it's all I got). The bottom line was that we were changing. At the time I think I was changing rapidly and by no means do I necessarily mean in a good way, just changing. During that period I dissolved a couple of friendships, some naturally and others more purposefully, it was just time.

Anyways, in the end Saz and I found ourselves in different places with a bit of awkwardness in that she held a former mutual friendship that I had let go. If anyone's ever been at this place in life it leaves things in a bit of an uncomfortable state.

As I said, because of natural changes and the unspoken whatever, we spent far less time together and didn't really stay in close touch. I missed Saz but I think the separation was very healthy and good for me during that time in my life. I was sorting a lot of stuff out.

The years went by and of course we ran into eachother and would briefly chat but never really got a glimpse of who eachother was in the present. I'm quite positive we both assumed we were the 'old' versions of ourselves and not entirely interested in reconnecting (maybe that was just me). I won't lie, I had no assumptions at all that Saz had changed. I pridefully thought I was the only person up for any challenge in life and the only one capable of being molded into something different (yes, I warned you before that I had judgment issues).

Of course I worried that Saz wouldn't be able to take the 'new' me either as I was what I would've judged before as 'gone astray'. Obviously she couldn't possibly rise above my judgments and see through this, well that's what I thought.

Ok so this brings me to yesterday. We made a date and met for brunch. She drove all the way to Homecity for me (an hour and a half) to catch up. We sat down and quickly jumped into recent happenings with her dad who's been ill. Then hopped all over our lives ... stuff. We never specifically brought up anything that may have thrown us apart, I think we both knew it was us growing up and we had and this was a good thing. We chatted surface, we chatted deep, we covered all necessary bases.

I was a little ticked off actually.

Saz had changed too. She'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd gotten ... wise! How dare she?! Clearly I'm the only one that can do that. I'm the writer, I'm the blogtress, I'm Eva. (Yeah, I don't have pride issues at all).

We had a fantastic visit that definitely touched home every once in a while when one of us would say something about ourselves then begin to follow it up with an explanation of our personality and the other would be giving a look or a comment of 'yeah, I've known you since you were six, I know'. You don't get that with everyone. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I love it.

I actually had a couple of revelations while brunching with Saz: I am so incredibly judgmental (I realize this isn't brand new and I hate this with a passion), I need to relax (she seemed so laid back, which is a place I had gotten to at one point in the past few years but have lost when I became a job addict), and I really think I need counseling (I don't know, I feel so messed up but I know deep down I'm a logical human being with potential not to be a basket case).

Sometimes reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes it knocks you down. And other times it just needs to look at you and you're done. Yesterday, it looked at me.

I came home and chatted with Wally about these realizations. I admitted to him that I was actually beginning to think that maybe recovery from the past year (or few) might take a lot longer than I was first thinking.

He gave me a 'yeah, I'm glad you finally realize this' look. We chatted more about my current state (in every area of my human-hood) and I really began to see how bad things have gotten.

Wally pointed out that I needed to learn how NOT to accomplish something. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said 'you can't even go for a walk in the park without putting on workout pants and running shoes and seeing it as a chance to get exercise'. Wow! I'd never thought about it like this, but he was so right!

Wally also brought up a conversation he'd had with Dee about my horrible self image. (There are definite bad points to sharing a trainer with your husband). I was like 'What do you mean? I love myself.'

He's like 'Just the other night you saw your reflection in the mirror at a store and said that you have such a long way to go. You have come so far and you don't have a long way to go at all but you think you do. You need to see what's really there, not what you think you see.'

*Sigh* He was dead on, but I don't know how to fix my head.

Then of course there's my guilt complex. Which I realized (with like angels coming out of the sky and singing) during brunch with Saz is a direct result of my judgmental attitude. This was such a HUGE (sorry for the Oprahism) A-HA moment.

I look at women who stay at home and have their kids, or they work part time and have a life, as either lazy or lucky. I don't do this consciously, but I do indeed do this. I am too afraid to let go of my work obsession because I'm afraid others will see me as weak, lazy or lucky to have a man providing for me. I don't really like any of those descriptions. I want to be looked up to as strong, fierce, capable, intelligent, and independent. Clearly I believe that if I let go of my full time job status, I will be looked down upon. ESPECIALLY if I don't have kids.

I feel this way because I do it to others.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! What a horrible thing to do!!!!

Clearly I have a big fat mittful of belief changes to make here. I think I may need to make my next blog project interviewing stay at home moms or women who don't work full time by choice and get a fresh perspective. I seriously think that would help my currently severely impaired thought process. I've fallen into society's trap of work equally value. Gross.

Well, FYI I'm getting out alive and well. I'm telling you that right now.

This was supposed to be the 'egg' post. Hmmmm, sometimes this happens. That's ok, I'll tell you about the egg later.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

#31 -. Share my new 'challenge' with you.

Oh boy.

I really have been avoiding this one. Mostly because I feel that if I skip telling you than maybe I can get away with not really doing it.

You see with my new challenge my biggest battle is believing it's possible. In my head I know that it is possible but my heart is not yet convinced.

To many people this challenge would seem rather vain and perhaps unnecessary, for me it's about believing in myself enough to overcome the seemingly impossible. If I actually did this I do feel that my faith in myself and many other things we control in life would sky rocket.

A lesson I have really begun to learn in the past few years that I was never aware of before is that you really do hold the key to your future. You/we have so much more control over our lives than we think.

Whether it's through our thoughts, the choices we make (big or small), or in our attitudes. We, I believe, have so much to do with where we end up.

Before I get reminded about tragedy or out of control events that happen that plummet people in despair and possibly paralyze their ability to have a 'great life', I want to say respond. Obviously there are things that happen in life that can throw us completely off course. Things that mess up all of our 'plans' for happiness or fulfillment. You may say: 'Eva, don't even try and tell me I meant to bring that into my life'. I would respond with: 'Of course not!'

My point is that so many times we give up on our dreams, goals or aspirations because life has tossed us a curve ball. Maybe it's an illness, a financial burden, more responsibility that we feel that we can handle, well I could go on forever.

I truly believe we are given the desire to go after certain things for a reason. Perhaps it's to heal a wound that we have deep within, or possibly to prepare us to overcome even bigger obstacles in the future, or maybe it's just to prove to ourselves (or those around us) that when you put your mind to it you can do ANYTHING.

I believe God has created the human spirit to be able to take on so much more than we know or understand. I'm not sure if it's the culture we live in now or what but I really think that we rarely see the potential that lies within.

Don't worry. I realize as I write this I still sit at the cusp of emotional, physical and spiritual fatigue (and the plague of one serious guilt complex). I am obviously not a perfect example perhaps of this belief. I fail so very often, everyday. I'm a work in progress remember? But I think as Wally and I have begun in the past 4 years to embrace the idea of the impossible becoming possible, I've started to really see first hand how we can open ourselves up to a world of opportunity if we only believe.

Ok so my intention for this post really wasn't to become the female Tony Robbins (he's an inspirational speaker). I just wanted to remind you and probably even more so, myself, not to let go of something that may be buried deep deep inside of you (or even something that has housed itself comfortably on the tip of your thoughts for ... ever).

I have an incredible desire within me to inspire. Not necessarily to be looked up to (but I won't kid you, that feels great too), or idolized (again that doesn't feel so bad either), but rather to give hope to someone who feels hopeless. I think we all want this. The cool thing is that we each have a different gift to inspire or touch different people. Not everyone is going to hear my story and be like 'Wow! I could never have gone back to school at 28!'. Let's get real, people do it all of the time, it's not that big of a deal. But out there somewhere is someone that has been told they had to live their life a certain way, with a certain order to it. They were taught to live inside the lines and to fear change. That person may hear my story and be inspired to enter a world of possibility.

There are so many other stories out there, yours is one of them, that if shared could literally change a life, or many. However the question is have you believed in yourself or your dream enough to let it take hold of you, stretch you, to mold and shape you into what you really could be? Maybe you don't even know what a dream you have is. Explore and ask yourself what you've always wanted to do or who do you really want to become. Then ... do it.

I suppose at this point I'm expected to blurt out my #31. Timing's not quite there. I'll let you think on this post for a while. Then I'll share.

Friday, May 21, 2010

#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me

This is your chance.

As I mentioned before, I will only answer questions that will not invade another person's privacy. Feel free to ask whatever you want and I'll use my discernment.

Don't be shy. I'm a pretty open book.

Revealing #36-40

Yeah so I haven't told you what I've planned for each of my last 5 items on my list. Probably because I don't know what they should be.

I'm going to start naming them off and see if I get inspired as I list ...

#36 - Have my first poached egg (I am doing this tomorrow!!)

#37 - Workout on my own at the gym doing weight training (I go all the time doing cardio but am super intimidated to do it by myself)

#38 - Decide what I am planning regarding my blog on doing after this list is complete

#39 - Answer any 5 questions you have of me ... no matter what they are (providing they don't invade anyone else's privacy).

#40 - I will leave to a vote ...

A) Go camping

B) Cook an authentic Chinese meal

C) Let my hair dresser do whatever she wants to my hair

Also mentioned in one of the comments left was to try growing an herb garden. I think I may be up for this next time, it would definitely be interesting for this non-green thumbed gal.

I wanted to admit something while I'm here.

Do to my recent .... hmmmmm ... how do i put this? Burn out, mental breakdown (that seems a tad strong), or whatever you want to call it. I am quite sure I won't be completing my 40 things within the 40 days.

I am a bit disappointed in myself for not staying on top of this however I know that you can't, nor should you try to, duplicate a past experience. So, I won't. The purpose overall is to step out of my 'box' and try new things, understand new people and hopefully gain more perspective, not necessarily run a race.

The reason I like deadlines for this stuff is because they make things easier to measure in a sense. They keep you accountable and a bit more focused. I already see the difference in how I approached my last adventure as opposed to this one.

No fears though. I am determined to try everything mentioned and still learn a whole bunch along the way. I do hope to check my schedule and become more diligent about completing my tasks at hand, while enjoying them all the same :)

I have lots to get to I hope you stay with me!


Eva :)

P.S. Don't for get to vote!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

#28 - A full day of the thong

Ok so I totally almost forgot to write about this one. How could I?!

I think the only reason I've remembered is because it's 3:30am and and the part of my body that used to be housed in my more preferred underwear is currently in so much pain I cannot sleep.

In short: my mind is completely on my ass right now. 100%. Like it hurts so bad there aren't words.

Of course you know I'll scrounge some up anyway, but that's not the point. The point is .... OUCH!!

Oh, and I'm starving. This is rather inconvenient as there aren't notes in any book to tell me what to do when I wake up in the night hungry. There are a hundred other rules to tell me when what to eat but right now I'm so hungry I'm ready to hurl and have worked so hard I'm not sure what to do. (No need to leave me blog comments to tell me to go eat, I know).

BWhy the heck am I talking about being hungry when the point of this post is to tell you about wearing a thong? I guess the two are tied (ha ha ... string) together by my dual ass pain.

Ok, let me focus.

*squinting eyes*

*shaking head*

*grieving my sleep*


Last Saturday, completely on a whim, I decided to throw on the dreaded thong. Actually I think it was Dreaded Thong's sibling as I believe I stretched Dreaded Thong to a point of no return (in so many ways).

I'm not sure what did it exactly. I think it was the fact that I figured trying to entertain this little contraption may be easier while pairing it with something of sustenance, like my jeans.

My hope was that this duo would erase all of the issues I had when I tried Dreaded Thong before.

In jeans: the triangle in the back couldn't possibly be seen through the fabric. (However if I placed it right and bent over properly I'm sure I could make it be seen in great trailer trash fashion, but that wasn'' the look I was going for either - if that was the case I'd be purchasing a black thong and be finding my most sparkling white jeans).

In jeans: my most lumpy and bumpy revelations would not (or good lord should not) be visible. As jeans are a nice and ... firm fabric. Gotta love that.

My other concern, regarding the 'food baby' issue, would also be put to rest as these particular jeans are (now that I've lost 16 pounds) a much easier fit and don't require me to be wearing restrictive garments underneath to enable the zipper to fly north.

So, on a complete and utter whim I confidently put my feet between what seemed to be an obstacle course of string and hiked them up (ok so there was definitely no hiking involved as that could have produced other grotesque injuries, but you know what I mean).

I continued the sequence with my jeans, button done up, zipper in place. Then to the mirror I went.

This time I did the back and forth, back and forth thing again, but without horror. I did my best to stick my tummy out, then in, then out. Just in case I felt the possibility of betrayal later when I had lunch. I did not.

I felt confident that I could wear my new ... hidden adornment, for at least a couple of hours.

Once I was dressed and out of the bedroom (giving Wally a clear indication that I may possibly be ready for the day). I think I bounced into the living room. Actually I'm quite confident there was a lot of bouncing on many fronts ... and backs.

Shockingly, this time I was also wearing a smile. I proudly proclaimed: 'I'm wearing a thong!'

'I'm wearing it! I'm doing it! Me ... a thong. I can't believe it!'

From what I remember I don't think Wally had words for me in response. I think it was more of a look that said: 'Oh my goodness are you seriously proud of this? You're wearing a thong, it's not like you've achieved piece in the middle east.' (To which I would reply 'No, but definitely in the south').

Wally continued on with what he was doing and I continued on with my exclamation. The entire day.

While we were in Wal-mart, in the car on the way home from Wal-Mart, during lunch, throughout the afternoon, after supper, and into the evening. When I was getting ready for bed I felt like I had completed a marathon and announced I would even wear this ... thing to bed.

You really would've thought I had solved world hunger or something. Nope. Just wore a thong for a day.

In the end, I was able to complete #28 in all it's fullness (or, well ... you know what I mean).

I am a wee bit shocked at the amount of pride I felt in doing so. I think that goes to show you how 'out of the box' this little number (do the puns over stop?!) was for me.

A few years ago, this whole thing would've been the most humiliating task in the world and I would've never thought myself worthy of using string for underwear (or perhaps felt myself too worthy of it). But now-a-days, with my incessant need to understand others and why they do what they do, coupled with some newly found confidence, (ok and the fact that these experiences seem to give me decent writing material), I was able to enter a new perspective.

I'll never be the same.

I'm sure my assets in progress will agree.

In honour of #28 I am throwing myself a long awaited 30th Birthday Party requesting a thong (or skanky outfit) from each party goer. This will double as my ice cream cake adventure. (I have to entice the guests with something other than visuals of me in their gifts).

I invited ... well way more people than I know would ever come. Lots of strays that are completely unfamiliar with what I'm doing. I'm not sure why I did this. I guess I'm just curious to see what their response is. I'm quite positive they think I'm crazy. I am so ok with that :)

I am very much looking forward to my itty bitty birthday party and sharing a few unadulterated laughs with people that will certainly appreciate my zest for life.


I love living.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

# 2 - Book 10 consecutive days off of work

Can I just tell you something completely random? (clearly I won`t hear a response and I will anyway).

Our keyboard is completely messed up and when I try and type a question mark some French letter é or É comes out. What`s with that? How did I get the question mark, you may ask? I pressed shift and went through all of the numbers on the keyboard and found that shifted 6 is indeed a ? (question mark).

Anyhoo, on to /2. Oh wait it`s happening with the number sign too. Just a sec ... #2. There. Another random thing. I`ll have to ask Wally about it.

#2 was a challenge for me. Not only because at my job you have your own shifts that are yours permanently which you are entirely responsible for finding `coverage`for when you are away, but also because, as I`ve mentioned before, I have a seriously enormous guilt complex.

I have no fears in my job that the world won`t go on without me. I know it will. I`m new and don`t really have an unreasonable amount of responsibility, aside for the regular job stuff. I really probably could go away for a month and wouldn`t be too terribly missed. I have yet to establish strong ties to anyone person supported that are reciprocated, if that makes sense. I just haven`t been there long enough. The people we support are so used to others coming in and out of their lives that they seem quite used to seeing faces come and go.

I`m not sure if the following is my guilt complex honing in or what, but I also feel that since I am a soon-to-be 6 month employee I have no right to already take a vacation. However, after talking to a couple of other employees who have heard my feelings and where I`m at in my head a little, I was encouraged to take the time and breath again. They understood where I was coming from.

I will admit, I find it completely embarrassing that I am already in need of a break considering the length of time I`ve been at this job. I mean I see all of the other female students in school, working tons of hours and they just keep asking for more. I don`t know how they do it!! I`m nearly nutty!

I do try and remind myself of a couple of things: I was working 70 hours a week between school, placement and work right before I started and went into this job without a break. Not to mention the extremely traumatic situation (at least it was for me) that I was a part of last fall at my other job, that I never really got much time to get over - that is if you can `get over`something like that with your heart in tact.

So once I weigh out these facts and finally settle on giving myself earned time off, that creepy little voice that lives somewhere in the back of my mind (however recently I believe has moved to a place up front) pipes up it`s squeaky annoying little voice and says `Oh but if you take time off how are you going to pay for anything to do?`, `You`re not gonna be able to do all those things you wanted to`, `What about your facial or that hot air balloon ride you want to do? You think money grows on trees?`

Rational little bastard. I hate it.

I find it kind of funny how rational we can be when we are in an irrational state. How silly.

That`s when I talk to Wally and he says `I`d rather have a sane wife than an extra paycheck`. And I think `Geez man, why didn`t you tell me that years ago!`. It`s kinda funny because at this point in the conversation that he has almost gotten me to that point where I`m ready to accept a break but I`m wavering a little and he wants me desperately to `seal the deal`. He`s calm and holding my hands gently trying to reassure me that all is fine. But as I go back and forth his grip gets tighter, his blood pressure rises and by the end he`s the one in need of a bypass because he just wants his wife back (and perhaps wouldn`t mind the maid and the cook too). By the time I make the decision to take a break he`s on the floor exhausted.

Poor guy.

Last week when I was working out with Dee and beginning to realize that my mind felt like spaghetti and I really was having difficulty thinking through the most menial things, I knew something had to give.

When I started my job I said to myself (and Wally) that I would just give 6 months of all out work and then I would take it easy. I would take every shift offered, do overnights anywhere, get trained all over and work every evening and every weekend. I was told the more flexible I would be the faster my permanent hours MAY come. Unfortunately I thought the MAY was really a WILL. My bad.

It`s almost five months later and I actually have less permanent shifts than when I started (well we`re balancing around there) and I am strung out. There`s always another new staff ready to take your place as most `flexible`.

I applied for summer hours, this would put me at full time (which I have actually been anyway, it just has a more set schedule and a guarantee of the hours) for a couple of months without worry of scrounging up hours.

I think it was really good that I sent in my request late, because I didn`t get a contract. And though it is a bit of a blow to my ego, I know for sure that this is for the best. I know I`ll get the work I need but more so I know that I can prioritize my time the way I want to now. I could not do that with a commitment of a contract.

I chose to only work 25 hours this week, which has really felt like a holiday, however still not nearly enough to sort out my head (I`m confident heads don`t get fixed in microwave time). I`ve been able to blog a bit, try and think more on want I might want to do this summer with some extra time, focus on goals that I actually want to see come to fruition and others that really aren't worth the fight.

It`s been good.

I feel like I do have more to offer than a 44 hour work week in exchange for a paycheck. I have ideas to share, I have thoughts to express. I want more than a paycheck out of life. I want fulfillment.

Now the hard part ... how to sift through all of the things everyone else wants out of me and find out what I am meant to do.


To have fun doing it.

We`ll see :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

#5 - Meet up with an old high school friend I haven't chatted with in years

As I mentioned before this was sort of already planned but I thought it might be something fun to write about and reflect upon.

I'm not sure how many of you all stay in contact with those you went to primary or high school with. I know since the development of facebook people have definitely gotten more connected. I'll admit I reconnected with this friend originally on facebook but only on a very surface level.

We met in grade 9 and quickly found ourselves in the same group of friends. We hung out in our group at lunch, for after school stuff, you know the way teenagers do. I was never really close with Sasha, we were more friends by association, however we did like eachother very much (at least I liked her).

Since I stayed in our home town for years after high school I was still connected with her family somewhat. Wally mentored her little brother a bit and I ran into her parents and sometimes even her every now and then. We'd chat a bit. Catch up on weddings, babies and jobs. That was about it.

Until she found my blog.

From what I remember from her e-mail she was kinda just browsing through a mutual friend's blog list and mine was there. She did a bit of reading before she realized the 'anonymous' blogger was me. Apparently she read through the entire thing and finally, after receiving a party invite, contacted me to tell me she'd been reading for a while. She didn't want to tell me in fear I'd feel obligated to invite her to the party. Lucky her she was invited anyway!

I remember reading her e-mail explaining how she felt like she knew me more now (after reading the blog) than she ever had before. She went on to say through reading my blog she understood much better why Wally and I didn't have kids (she even apologized for judging - pffst ... like she had to do that!). Sasha said she felt that through reading my thoughts she learned more about herself and was able to really think about some stuff.

That e-mail meant so much to me. So much.

Sasha was excited for the invite to the party and though circumstances did not allow for her to be there instead we made a date to catch up. See my party was about so much more than a party.

I guarded May 17th with my life and made the hour and a half drive down (or up I'm not certain) the highway to see her and meet her 2 kiddos.

I have to share that just as much of this challenge was driving to see my friend. I'm not a veteran highway driver my any means. I don't mind using it at all really, the challenges for me are all of the cut offs, ramps and basically the directions. Have I mentioned how bad I am with directions?

The drive was going well until I got to my first real 'stay left'. the problem was the GPS chick informed me of 'staying left' about 5 seconds AFTER I veered right. Bitch. It's like she was toying with my insecurities.

So I let out an expletive and followed some signs that appeared hopeful to take me where I needed to return to. They were clearly playing with my lack of directive abilities as well as they completely lied.

I listened to the ... lady for a while until I saw a sign that I thought I could trust and I soon found myself back where I was supposed to be. Phew!!

I arrived about a 1/2 hour later than planned, which for me now a days was right on time.

I knocked on the door and soon tip toed in the house to be greeted by Sasha and her very adorable baby Jakey. Wally would've loved him.

Once organizing babyness we sat and streamed easily into a comfortable conversation. We talked about so and so from high school, what's her face, and what's his name. Caught up on who was where and doing what with whom. We talked about our families a bit and hit on the in law situation (a hot topic for almost every married woman).

We even got to go a little deeper with things. Talking about challenges in marriage, having kids, not having kids. Just life.

You know what I loved? That it felt like we were close friends of old. Really we weren't that close before. It felt like no time had passed. Ten years had passed. It felt so ... comfortable.

Having gone back to school after nearly ten years of being out. Then starting a couple of new jobs after never entering a 'real' job type atmosphere. I have really gotten used to uncomfortable conversation. You know that rigid, surfacey, distant conversation that you do because that's what you do.

Obviously you can't expect to jump into personal stuff with strangers but once in a while you get lucky and you can be yourself and understood from step one. That is awesome.

I'm gonna guess that the fact that Sasha read my blog already and pretty much had a giant window into my thoughts and heart helped our time be more relaxed and easy. However it was more than that. It was that Sasha not only peaked through he window to my soul, but accepted it and decided to engage.

She didn't have to. She could easily have decided to mark me as a useless, misunderstood non kid person who knows nothing about anything. (I'll be honest if I had kids that's what I would think, because come on, really, how can someone lacking that huge responsibility know about ... well ... anything. I'm not kidding that's what I would think).

Sasha and I visited for almost three and half hours before I needed to head home. I got to meet her older kiddo too, who reminded me of a precious moments figurine - so cute.

I have so much more to share about my observations on motherhood after my visit with Sasha but I'll save them for a collectively thoughtful post.

My visit with my old high school friend was awesome. It was worth the 3 hours in the car, 2 traffic jams, 1 serious bout with construction and my interesting detour.

What did I learn?

If you open yourself up to it life can bring you many unexpected friends. Often we look at someone who was a friend in a certain way and never see them any other way but sometimes when time passes, people grow and change and you just never know who might be brought back into your life. It's really very cool.

In the past year (well probably way longer) I have been pursuing an honest life, to be my most honest self. Through that I have opened myself up to rejection, misunderstanding, judgment and people just not liking me. I haven't always been tactful, kind or thoughtful in how I present my 'true self' and let's be honest I'm not sure if it's possible or healthy to be your truest self to everyone.

I have questioned myself several times when I've allowed people inside my deepest thoughts and musings, wondering if it is wise. But if I'm going to be honest about who I am it's just got to happen.

By letting people in, like Sasha (and many of you), I have reaped the rewards of unexpected 'connections'. I am fascinated by this, by you. I am fascinated that one person could experience something that so many others can identify with even though they have not gone through it exactly. And I find it amazing that we can often feel so disconnected in this world full of billions of people.

That's why I think it's so important to be brutally honest. We think we are alone, but we're not. When we aren't connected to others we easily begin to feel sorry for ourselves, we lose perspective and we fall into despair. But if we can only be honest about things we could maybe, just maybe hold on to a little something, a little someone that might be able to help up back to reality (what ever the hell that is).

I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you, I'm really just rambling.

Bottom line = sometimes being honest about who you are and sharing it with others hurts, but sometimes it's the best gift you could receive.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Updates on #3 & #6

3. Eat with only chopsticks for one month (like the month of May)

Ok so I have been using chopsticks now for 17 days. I will say that I've forgotten to take them out with me (do to a lack of dish washing) maybe 3 times. Of course there are some meals you would not need chopsticks for. Example: a sandwich or sub, soup, and I have opted out of using them for yogurt (as I do have to work and live and stuff). I have decided to use them for my cottage cheese and have had no issues with this.

Overall I have actually loved this challenge. I still have meals when I just don't seem to have the knack and I get frustrated and want to spear them through the food or skip eating all together (or the obvious option - break them into bitty pieces). But for the most part I love them. I definitely slow down while eating (especially in the case of eating peas or brown rice), but there's something about using them that makes the food taste better. I don't know what it is but I like it.

I do still need to attack the noodles though, as they aren't really in our diet right now. I saw a lady eating some Thai noodle dish at the mall the other day and I was embarrassed for her in regards to her chopstick noodle eating skills. She looked like a barbarian. No judgment though.

I will press on and continue to perfect the art of eating with these long thin objects. I told Wally tonight that I thought that I would continue to use them even after my month is up. I guess we'll see. I think at the end of my forty days I should go out for Thai and get something with noodles just for fun.

Well ... maybe I'll order in.

6. 40 days (which I hope to turn into a lifetime) of super clean eating.

Yeah, so I haven't been perfect at the super clean eating thing but overall have done well. I've joked that flavoured rice cakes and chocolate protein shakes have become my binge foods. Never thought that would happen.

I have actually only really 'fallen off the wagon' once. It was last week during my serious case of the 'sads' and I actually went and bought a dozen bakery cookies at the grocery store and brought them home with me to melt my sorrows.

It was the first time in probably two and a half months, as Wally and I have been eating really well since we started training. That in itself is AMAZING for me. I used to binge (and I do mean binge, not merely enjoy) every single day on something sweet.

Anyways, I brought my cookies home and nestled into the couch before having to go back to work. I looked at them. Smelled them. Touched them. Then finally ate them. 1. 2. 3. 4. Then I decided that I was making a mistake - a huge mistake. I quickly crumbled the other 8 cookies into the garbage to be touched by all the grossities that lived there. (Yes, I had to do this because if I'd left them in the package I would have gone back and fished them off later and enjoyed every one. I am that sick).

For once rather than feeling guilty I felt proud of myself. Because a few months ago I would've told the little voice in my head to shut up (or other things) and I would've forged on with the gorging. It would not have been a big deal for me to have eaten 8 or 10, heck maybe even all twelve in one sitting - or at least during the evening.

Of course when I confessed to Dee the next day he was not so excited about my 'overcoming' of anything. He was mad. We started our time together with 100 jump squats on a very low lying bench, with weights. Which indeed took forever.

He followed it up by saying 'Now we'll start your workout' (rather sternly might I add).

That hour was the quietest I've ever been in a very long time, as obviously the silent treatment was in order for Dee. I refused to speak to him or let him 'analyze' me as he asked why I ate the cookies and if they helped me feel better. He continued to go on about him caring about my progress and blah, blah, blah. However I was a mess inside (as I was plagued with the 'sads'). I refused to talk to him and be at risk of letting the dam break. I knew that if I started to talk I'd burst into weeping tears and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction (however I so wanted to cry and just let it out).

I have since texted him and all is fine, however I know a serious talk is in order for us come Wednesday when I see him. I know he does care and it's only fair that I do my part to do my best. Sometimes I hate that.

So, though perfection is yet to find me I will keep trying to do my best. I continue to examine and re-examine what my long term goals are in this area of my life. But I'll have more on that later.

I still have lots more to update on but I think I will have to call it a night.

Hopefully more tomorrow!

Where to start ... ?

Wow. I don't even know where to start.

Seriously. Where?

I have completed a few more numbers on my list and look forward to writing about them this week. I also want to give an update on a couple of the ongoing numbers, and I will but I feel like I have a whole other conversation to have first.

Only thing is ... I don't know where to start.

Maybe I'll pick up where I was last week with my case of the 'sads'. First of all I want to say thank you for the encouraging comments left. They really did help me think and scrap my way through. Actually I need to be honest here. I'm not really through with the 'sads' but I'm at least squirming my way .... well somewhere. Hopefully somewhere else.

I am just beginning to realize and recognize my need for time. Time for me. Time to think. Time to breathe. Time to do what makes me feel 'alive'.

One of my bloggowers had a fantastic quote in their stati the other day that was a great reminder: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive" - Howard Thurman.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings regarding me and time.

First of all there's my guilt complex. Guilt is my biggest enemy and it is so very good at it's job. Guilt makes me think I need to work the maximum hours allowed at work. Guilt makes me believe I have to make as much money as possible. Guilt makes me think that taking time to think and recover is selfish and a waste of time.

I hate Guilt.

Wally hates Guilt.

I'm glad we both feel the same way about my Guilt.

I never really recognized my incredible battle before now. I mean, when we got married I worked and we had a pretty equal income. Then Wally became unemployed for a while, had jobs that didn't pay that well and then was off to school. All of these things left me feeling the need to provide and make sure we had everything we needed.

The thing is that the plan was for me to do that for a while, until Wally had a decent job, so that I could then raise our family, because that's what I always dreamed of.

Well, Wally has a decent job with definite potential for a comfortable income (all things being relative to our old life). He loves what he is doing, which is the sole reason I pushed him so hard to go to school. I wanted him happy. Mostly 'cause I'm selfish and I wanted me happy.

There's been a snag.

While waiting 9 excruciatingly long years to start a family, I learned how to be happy where ever I was.

That's a blessing really. A huge incredible lesson. A gift.

BUT. Now that it's time for the 'family thing' I'm eager to do other things. To explore more education. To fulfill life long fitness goals. To be creative at my job and bring something new to the table.

I've also begun to dream about writing. I don't even know why, it's not like I have anything to write about. But I like it. I feel connected to others through it. I learn from other people's perspectives. I get to meet new and interesting people. I LOVE that.

I still think of being a mom. Mostly because I think there would be great writing material with it. But then again, mom's don't have time to write.

Wally is finally thinking of having a family. I'm about ready to kill him. As I have reminded him that I hounded for a near decade about it and now that I'm on to other things he's ready. (Seriously, he melts at the sight of a newborn and then starts to campaign with baby noises).

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know...

I was at a baby shower yesterday for my friend whom I wrote about a couple of months ago. I've decided that baby showers are going on my list of most unenjoyable events there are. At least the traditional ones.

You sit in a circle, as if at a seance (sp?), watching the mommy open up baby gifts ('Surprise!!! It's a sleeper!! Oh wow!!' - Actually I got a singing potty for her. It was on the registry. I need to do a whole other post on registries). During this time there is the passing of the baby, who is clearly on a mission to make every childless woman feel one of three things: deep longing to have her own - 'Awwww, I want one!', sincere embarrassment over the fact she has no idea what to do - 'Crap! Where does the head go?', or complete guilt over the fact she doesn't care two hoots about the kid 'Yeah, you're sleeping now, but I know what you do at 3am'.

Then you play ridiculous games and eat iffy food. (I actually won the 'draw a baby on a paper plate while it's on your head and you can't see it' game, oh yeah best baby drawing out of the 30 that were there - Booyah!).

I told Wally yesterday that if or when we ever have a living creature of the child-type persuasion join our home there will be no traditional showers filled with women sharing stories of leaky body parts. There'll be a 'nough said.

Anyhoo, where to end?

I'm sorting through some stuff in my head. Trying desperately to prioritize my life, my goals and myself. Feeling guilt over the fact that I'm burnt out after only a year in a new field. Even more guilt that I could even say I'm burnt out and have no children yet (I guess I figure children are a pretty good excuse for burn out). And perhaps a tad more guilt for not being brave enough to go after the reason I think one should feel justified for being burnt out.

Yeah. Clearly I've only started sorting the 'laundry' in my head. Oh well, at least I've started.

By the way, I'm actually considering going to 'talk to someone' about my laundry.

Well ... only the clean stuff.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

To my amazing bloggowers

I am going to write again this week.

I am very excited.

Can I just say how much I appreciate your comments. Thank you for the encouragement and fun. I enjoy it very much!

Thank you :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

#10 - Go out for coffee with my laughs-alot-aunt

Well, I did it. Another number bites the dust.

Amazing how when you much something on a 'list' to do, it can actually get done (oh and the being accountable to several people at the same time helps too).

I called my laughs-a-lot-aunt out of the blue last week and left a message to see if she'd want to catch up. Sure enough she was in, laughs and all. She mentioned on the phone (well, kind of asked) if I'd mind if kissy-kissy-uncle came too. I said 'Sure if he wants to'.

I like kissy-kissy-uncle but admittedly was a little disappointed. For some reason I want every encounter I have to be deep, honest and real. Well, unless I'm not in the mood that day, then I don't. My ever changing emotions make things hard to plan for.

We left it so that he might come or he might not. I was a little surprised today when they walked in together, laughs and kisses to boot.

It seemed kinda weird in one way that it was the three of us. Not because it was at all awkward (how could it be with laughs and kisses?)

We kissed, and laughed and of course chatted. Just about this and that. Some more of this and that. We ate our chicken, shared some memories of funny things that had happened, and talked about relatives that none of us liked, then made fun of other ones (cause that's what you do when you get together with family).

It was actually nice. I really don't have a lot to add to this one. Nothing came out like when I had breakfast with my brother last summer. No huge secrets revealed. Really it was just catching up and laughing (oh and some kissing too).

I put this item on my list because I have (or had) three aunts. All of which I have been privileged to be fairly close with. Yet all in different ways. But for some reason in life it's so easy to let time pass and you forget those relationships and if you don't make an effort you waste a perfectly good connection.

Laughs-a-lot-aunt is my dad's only sister, the youngest of 6 (yes that means she had 5 older brothers!). She's experienced an incredible amount of pain in her life, incredible. I think (actually I know) she laughs a lot instead of crying a lot. I think in that way I am a lot like her.

My mama cries at the drop of a hat. Marshmallow (my brother) does too. I only do in secret (or at least I try real hard to keep it that way). I made jokes during awkward silences just like my dad. This gets us into trouble sometimes.

I was kinda glad today was a fluffy visit. Sometimes you need fluffy. Sometimes fluffy is essential. I appreciated fluffy this time.

Fluffy is good when you are a little bit fragile and need a little bit of care.

I think I needed fluffy today.

I really want to go home and cover myself in my duvet. But I can't.

I'm writing this at my Mama and Pops' place. They aren't here. And I'll be honest: they have 45 remotes for the tv and I can't figure out how to turn the friggin' thing on. So I'm writing instead.

...and they have cable too :(


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Bad case of the 'Sads'

I'm tired. Exhaustified.

I feel like I have no reason to be but I am. Wally would laugh at that and say I was being ridiculous and that I have every right to say that I am but I'm not sure. I see everyone at work and they seem so fine. I feel like I'm lagging around like a puppy dog missing two legs.

I want to write about my adventure but ... I'm too tired.

I can and will tell you that I have had a serious case of the 'sads'. Meaning I've been very sad the past couple of days.

Today I wondered if I should just quit everything. Quit my health goal (which I have yet to share). Quit working (um ... yeah .... cause I'd do so great as a depressed bum). Quit thinking about getting my degree (more on that later). Quit trying to live differently (it's seems like such a challenge and sometimes I wonder if it's pointless). I've also thought of quitting my 40 day adventure #2 (*sigh*).

Wally has asked me to slow down at times as I always seem to have some 'great idea' on the horizon that I need to try. To be honest this whole way of living is absolutely exhausting to me (yes I know I've said that too many times already, but it's true).

I've had another good friend that I respect tell me I just need some time to slow down and think. To take time to be alone, meditate, pray, be with God. I think he's right, but I don't know how anymore. Slowing down isn't taught in school. I don't think it would matter if it was because keeping up seems to be the general theme of life, at least in North America.

Then I look ahead to the next month in a job where I pretty much live on the faith of others needing my help whenever, and I wonder if I'll get enough work. I know I don't need to worry about this. I learned this forever ago in life. But I think about it. I'm human.

Oh I'm rambling. Sorry. My thoughts are all jumbled up right now.

Do any of you get a case of the 'sads'? Do you ever want to give up?

I know deep down I can't. I won't. I just need to refocus. But sometimes the 'sads' are like a bad cold - very difficult to get rid of.

I have been thinking about finally throwing myself a 30th birthday party. I thought I'd call it my 'Thirty and still Flirty' Party. Admission would be a fun thong in my size (or hey a skanky outfit would do) and in return I would feed party goers some expensive Marble Slab ice cream cake (remember that's on my list).

Still thinking about this. I'm usually not the type to care if 1 person out of the 30 invited came. But after my post big party blues I don't know if I'm up for any more post party let downs.

We'll see. I anticipate fighting off the 'sads' within the next 24 hours. I find my mind the hardest thing in the world to fight against. But. I will. And I am determined to win.

Even if I lose a few fights in the process.

Monday, May 10, 2010

No Go

Yesterday was so traumatizing I can't possibly write today.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

#28 - Part 2 The Wearing of the thong

So today was the day. Thong day. yip .... ee.

I feel as though I need to provide some background to my relationship with this particular piece of underwear for you all to understand where I'm comin' from.

If any of you have read very far you would know that I have grown up the 'fat kid' my entire life. With that comes the perception that you always are so. I still look in the mirror and see the same thing as I always have: someone who needs to lose weight or get in shape. I'm hoping that as I continue to get healthy my outlook on myself will as well.

I don't need comments left on the blog to tell me that I'm not fat. I know that I'm not fat. I don't need people to tell me how perfectly beautiful I am, I know every creature is in their own way. I am completely aware that it's more a matter of changing what is imprinted in my mind. It's no easy task for someone who has been identified one way their whole entire life.

It's funny, I remember talking with a very close cousin of mine a couple of years ago about it and she said she never remembered ever seeing me that way (overweight). She was 7 years younger so she didn't really know me as the 'fat little kid' and since she had only looked up to me, she didn't see the 'chubby teenager' either. I found it interesting to hear the shock in her voice when I told her of my past and my struggles.

Anyhoo, it's that baggage that has tied me to stick to such traditional or conservative ways in my life. I would have died first of embarrassment before even thinking myself worthy of putting on something so .... skimpy before in my life. Underwear like that was for thin people, not people like me.

As I have come drastically out of my shell in the past 10 years, discovering more and more of myself, and realizing I'm not actually a shy little girl with zero confidence but a rather feisty, fun loving, confident woman who now needs to learn a few things she missed out on during her earlier years. (Though I realize I am still very much in my 'earlier years').

I remember learning of a few of my friends who were wearing thongs (it sounds like I'm saying they were prostitutes - I'm not), I was shocked. I don't know if I thought it was wrong or what but clearly I was delusional about it. I have never, ever had an inkling to want to wear them as they look rather painful and honestly I didn't see a point. Why not just go commando? How much could two little triangles and a few inches of string accomplish anyway?

I'm not sure why I feel it necessary to try and where one, perhaps it's because I feel that I have preconceived notions about those that do and I want to identify or understand this floss wearing phenomenon, who knows. But it made my list and I am (or was) determined to give it a shot. For the sake of understanding.

Here is the story of try #1:

Day/Time: Sunday Morning approximately 10:30am.
Location: My bedroom
Witnesses: Husband, two dogs and myself.

I come from the bathroom where I have just dried off after a shower. I have already put on my bra and am now in a flurry to get this 'experience' over with. Or should I say started.

Wally is near the bed getting dressed as well. Eager to see how this is all going to unfold. He clearly does not mind being in attendance.

I pick up my *clears throat* ... th ... Yes .... thhhhh...oooong. Thong. (There got it out). *breaths deep*

I give it a quick inspection during some stressful banter with Wally and I try quickly to climb into it. I say climb because that's how it felt as the string got caught in between my toes and I nearly went flying while trying to hold my balance.

My cat like reflexes saved my ass (literally) and I maintained my dignity. *laughes to self*

I pull up the sides and carefully make sure all is in the proper place. Yes I believe I had both large and small triangles where they were supposed to be. As for the strings involved. I do believe they were right too.

I stood there looking in the mirror pivoting myself back and forth, back and forth. Eyebrows crinkled and gazing at my reflection with concern, deep concern.

'Why did I do this?' I ask continuing to look.

'WHY would I do this?! This is so stupid! I hate this!'

I stomp into the bedroom closet looking for some item of clothing to cover my very exposed ... derriere.

Wally is standing beside the bed watching me begin to steam. Wearing a smile and stifling a giggle he asks: 'Don't you feel sexy and empowered?'

After a brief pause I shout back.

'No I feel violated!!!!!!!!' I then start to throw single articles of clothing to and fro to try on over my irritant.

It's at this point Wally loses it and falls over onto our bed into a heap of unbridled laughter. He continues this fit until he can barely breathe. Finally he comes up for air. (Not that I was all that concerned in the moment).

I threw on a skirt that I love. It fits no matter what size I am (not that it mattered as I am the lowest weight I've been for a while) and I usually feel great in it.

I slide it over my hips and turn around to see what evidence may be escaping my backside view of any new understring I may be wearing. There it was. A small little triangle distinctly displayed as if to say 'I'm here!! Yes I am, for all to notice. If you see me you know what she's wearing. All it would take is a nice strong wind and you could have a peak at EVERYTHING else she has too. Hee hee hee!'

I'm tellin' you that damn thong had a voice.

I decided to try a different skirt that held more promise (or at least one I thought would hold a few of mine better than the last skirt did).

I put it on but it was not comfortable. I looked at my stomach in it and decided I better not risk it as we were planning on a bigger meal for lunch and I knew this new found 'friend' of mine wouldn't be faithful in disguising the potential food baby that may pop up post meal.

I thought that perhaps pants would help the situation. I tried some on. I think the triangle was hidden, but the rest of my rump wasn't. Again I felt a little too vulnerable to venture out in public with this new piece of useless equipment.

I huffed and puffed a bit more. Adjusted and readjusted the rudder of this little ship only to no avail. I couldn't do it. Not yet anyways. I still am not at a place where I feel comfortable enough in my clothes (or skin) to go unguarded.

I peeled myself out of my newly acquired thong and put on some old faithfuls.

Ahhhhhh myself again.

(I'm positive I heard my panties say 'That's what I'm talking about'.)

I put on some pants that made me feel good and I concluded to revisit this dire situation in a few weeks. Of course by then I may need a new size as I am shrinking little by little, but no worries, I WILL complete this task ... I WILL.

However, for now I will be ever thankful for my panty lines and welcome everyone of them.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

#28 - Part 1 The Purchasing of the thongs

Yeah, so I took the first step towards the ridiculousness of #28. I bought some thongs. (This sounds hilarious to read over in my head).

Wally and I were out doing our weekly grocery/things that we could live without shopping and we found ourselves using a scanner in the ladies' underwear department I'm really unsure as to how this happened as Wally generally acts as if he'll get the plague if he even looks in the direction of the women's anything, but we were there.

As we were trying to weave our way out I thought 'Oh I could get the thong purchasing over with now'. So I quickly honed in on the ladies panties and soon learned I was in over my head.

There were so many styles. How did I not ever notice this before?! There were boy shorts, bikini, high cut, low cut, string bikini, regular briefs, thongs, thongs with elastic. Holy cats way too many!! Good thing I already knew what I was looking for!

I scanned and scanned for an economical option as I had no plans on spending my millions on something that may not survive past one wear (I don't know how these work).

Unfortunately there was another lady looking in the exact same area as I was. I am quite certain she was expecting and hoping I'd get my business over with quick so she could really look around. Too bad for her I was on a specific mission that I was not giving up on.

In the mean time poor Wally was at the end of the aisle pleading silently with me to hurry the heck up. I told him to just go into the next aisle and I'd meet him but I heard him say 'It's the kids' department, I'm not going over there!', like he was going to get struck by the fertility gods and we'd end up leaving with like six kids. I was shocked he didn't move, but rather waited for his crazy wife to make up her mind on blue or burgundy.

Finally I found what I wanted (well as far as the challenge was going) and I tossed my new ... underwear? in the cart and then quickly hid it under a shirt he was buying. No, I'm not 12 or anything.

This afternoon as we were emptying the bags I'd forgotten my new fun ... underwear? And I pulled them out of the packaging. I carefully explored the ... underwear?

So many thoughts ran through my mind.






*deep breath*

There's a lot of string here.

A lot of string.

Then finally ... Tomorrow is my lucky day. I can't wait. (If you didn't catch on, sarcasm strongly intended.

Then I flung them into my underwear drawer not to be looked at until the morning.

I can currently hear all three pairs (they were fraternal triplets) mocking me and laughing.

They'll get there's tomorrow.