Sunday, May 23, 2010

What was supposed to be the 'egg' post

I'm going to warn you that this post is going to be way more than just the description of the egg eating.

After the party I got word that one of my invites (an old high school friend) did not get a personalized note card. If you don't remember those were our party favours. I wrote a personal note to each person there telling them what their role in our lives has meant to us. When I was doing this I never made a list, I never double checked, I did not cover my ass. Silly me.

As a result I forgot to write this friend a note. She was the only one of 120 I forgot. Lucky for me it was her as she looked at it as a reason for us to get together and chat over brunch (I'm so glad it was her and not Aunt Harriet!).

This friend Saz was one of my close school friends growing up. She was in my wedding as well. We've had rough patches like any good friendship and have in recent years let life settle in and grow us apart. Saz was a bit closer to me than Sasha as I've know Saz since first grade. We liked to gossip together, laugh together and ... gossip together.

In my opinion in the last few years of our friendship it was the gossiping together and such that probably helped with the separation growth. Neither of us really came out and said ever why we'd rather suddenly felt an unspoken rift but I think we both knew (I'd say rift is a tad strong of a word but it's all I got). The bottom line was that we were changing. At the time I think I was changing rapidly and by no means do I necessarily mean in a good way, just changing. During that period I dissolved a couple of friendships, some naturally and others more purposefully, it was just time.

Anyways, in the end Saz and I found ourselves in different places with a bit of awkwardness in that she held a former mutual friendship that I had let go. If anyone's ever been at this place in life it leaves things in a bit of an uncomfortable state.

As I said, because of natural changes and the unspoken whatever, we spent far less time together and didn't really stay in close touch. I missed Saz but I think the separation was very healthy and good for me during that time in my life. I was sorting a lot of stuff out.

The years went by and of course we ran into eachother and would briefly chat but never really got a glimpse of who eachother was in the present. I'm quite positive we both assumed we were the 'old' versions of ourselves and not entirely interested in reconnecting (maybe that was just me). I won't lie, I had no assumptions at all that Saz had changed. I pridefully thought I was the only person up for any challenge in life and the only one capable of being molded into something different (yes, I warned you before that I had judgment issues).

Of course I worried that Saz wouldn't be able to take the 'new' me either as I was what I would've judged before as 'gone astray'. Obviously she couldn't possibly rise above my judgments and see through this, well that's what I thought.

Ok so this brings me to yesterday. We made a date and met for brunch. She drove all the way to Homecity for me (an hour and a half) to catch up. We sat down and quickly jumped into recent happenings with her dad who's been ill. Then hopped all over our lives ... stuff. We never specifically brought up anything that may have thrown us apart, I think we both knew it was us growing up and we had and this was a good thing. We chatted surface, we chatted deep, we covered all necessary bases.

I was a little ticked off actually.

Saz had changed too. She'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd gotten ... wise! How dare she?! Clearly I'm the only one that can do that. I'm the writer, I'm the blogtress, I'm Eva. (Yeah, I don't have pride issues at all).

We had a fantastic visit that definitely touched home every once in a while when one of us would say something about ourselves then begin to follow it up with an explanation of our personality and the other would be giving a look or a comment of 'yeah, I've known you since you were six, I know'. You don't get that with everyone. Sometimes I hate that, sometimes I love it.

I actually had a couple of revelations while brunching with Saz: I am so incredibly judgmental (I realize this isn't brand new and I hate this with a passion), I need to relax (she seemed so laid back, which is a place I had gotten to at one point in the past few years but have lost when I became a job addict), and I really think I need counseling (I don't know, I feel so messed up but I know deep down I'm a logical human being with potential not to be a basket case).

Sometimes reality slaps you in the face. Sometimes it knocks you down. And other times it just needs to look at you and you're done. Yesterday, it looked at me.

I came home and chatted with Wally about these realizations. I admitted to him that I was actually beginning to think that maybe recovery from the past year (or few) might take a lot longer than I was first thinking.

He gave me a 'yeah, I'm glad you finally realize this' look. We chatted more about my current state (in every area of my human-hood) and I really began to see how bad things have gotten.

Wally pointed out that I needed to learn how NOT to accomplish something. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he said 'you can't even go for a walk in the park without putting on workout pants and running shoes and seeing it as a chance to get exercise'. Wow! I'd never thought about it like this, but he was so right!

Wally also brought up a conversation he'd had with Dee about my horrible self image. (There are definite bad points to sharing a trainer with your husband). I was like 'What do you mean? I love myself.'

He's like 'Just the other night you saw your reflection in the mirror at a store and said that you have such a long way to go. You have come so far and you don't have a long way to go at all but you think you do. You need to see what's really there, not what you think you see.'

*Sigh* He was dead on, but I don't know how to fix my head.

Then of course there's my guilt complex. Which I realized (with like angels coming out of the sky and singing) during brunch with Saz is a direct result of my judgmental attitude. This was such a HUGE (sorry for the Oprahism) A-HA moment.

I look at women who stay at home and have their kids, or they work part time and have a life, as either lazy or lucky. I don't do this consciously, but I do indeed do this. I am too afraid to let go of my work obsession because I'm afraid others will see me as weak, lazy or lucky to have a man providing for me. I don't really like any of those descriptions. I want to be looked up to as strong, fierce, capable, intelligent, and independent. Clearly I believe that if I let go of my full time job status, I will be looked down upon. ESPECIALLY if I don't have kids.

I feel this way because I do it to others.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! What a horrible thing to do!!!!

Clearly I have a big fat mittful of belief changes to make here. I think I may need to make my next blog project interviewing stay at home moms or women who don't work full time by choice and get a fresh perspective. I seriously think that would help my currently severely impaired thought process. I've fallen into society's trap of work equally value. Gross.

Well, FYI I'm getting out alive and well. I'm telling you that right now.

This was supposed to be the 'egg' post. Hmmmm, sometimes this happens. That's ok, I'll tell you about the egg later.


Tessa said...

I love that you can be so honest and acknowledge the good, the bad the ugly in yourself.
I just want to comment on the work thing after having dinner with good friends last night. The woman in this relationship has survived breast cancer. She confided that after being off work for a year dealing with cancer she is now medically ok to go back to work. However, she doesn't really want to as she has realized there is so much more to life than working. I couldn't agree more! Yes it is a means to an end but I do think we all place too much pressure on ourselves to work for a living rather than just living. We talked about the good old days when the woman stayed home and the man provided and frankly neither one of us has issue with that system after our recent experiences and would love to give it a try, no shame in being a housewife.

Stacy said...

Neat that when you met up with your friend they had changed too! It's nice to see that we all grow up in our own time.

Zoe said...

I love that you say what you're truly thinking, even when you know who's reading. =)

Feel free to interview anytime! =)

love you!

And, wow! You blog a LOT, I can't keep up!