Thursday, June 10, 2010

Another Step

It's 8 am and I sit here not wanting to share any more of my 'Journey' of my health goals. I've had to remind myself several times this morning already that writing my blog is for me not to satisfy others.

Most of the time I have no problem being completely honest. For some reason when it comes to admitting my goals and struggles regarding my body I want to completely run full speed away from. I sort of wonder why.

I think there's a few things I worry about...

I worry about making people feel that I think my goals are for every one. But I know they are not. I don't think it's necessary for everyone to strive for what I want at all. I do think it's necessary that each of us goes after whatever we really want and to believe in ourselves. Whatever that may be.

I worry people are going to think that I'm crazy and need to be hospitalized for a mental illness. As we are supposed to 'accept ourselves where we're at' and be happy. I agree that we need to accept ourselves and this is a tough process for me. I think it's a tough process for a lot of people. But it is a process.

Sometimes accepting who you are is accepting who you truly want to be. This is very frustrating for me because I want to be a lot. (This doesn't make me great by the way, I do know that).

I realized the other day that in regards to my health goals I have pretty much reached the initial goals I had when I started out with Dee. I've actually reached beyond my weigh and my health goals.

I told him the other day of this awareness and said 'I could've been done now. If I hadn't set another goal.' I was feeling a little mad at myself. He replied with 'But would you have been satisfied with yourself? Is that the goal you really wanted to achieve?'

I knew once again the answer was 'No'.

Dee wasn't saying my initial goal wasn't good enough at all. He was testing my heart's goals. He knows that deep inside I want to do what I always thought was impossible but now know isn't.

Dee has no problem with Wally's goals, he encourages him and has told me how great Wally's done, he is not pushing Wally to have goals that aren't what Wally wants. He respects what Wally wants out of this, and pushed him towards those things.

And, he respects what I want out of this.

During the lecture Dee gave me the other day about Skinny Chick he reminded me that every one needs to feel comfortable in their skin. Some people at 300 lbs feel completely comfortable at 300 lbs. Then there are some people at 135 lbs that don't and just want to shape up and feel strong. I wanted to tell him to learn more about anorexia but I knew what he was getting at.

I know that I have self image issues to work on in terms of how I see my body. I think right not I'm frustrated with the fact that I have to do so much work and it shows up so much slower than I want it to.

Trusting the process is freakin' hard. And really that what I have to do if I'm going to continue to succeed.

I know that the person I am is not my body. I know that I could get into an accident later today and never be able to walk again, and I know that fact wouldn't define me as a person. Not walking wouldn't make me more or less able to achieve my dreams. I know that achieving anything is in the attitude.

You see, I know I could go back to school and get my degree, I've always been a good student (I'm not sayin' I'd be the top on the list, just that I could do it). It's not something I see as impossible.

There are not many things that I believe are impossible. For me, this goal appears impossible. I think that's why I want to go after it so bad.

To prove to myself, and others, that possibility can by found in the most unbelieving heart.

I think we all have hidden things in our hearts that we truly think are impossible. Things that we really want but are way to scared to admit it. Mine just appears rather shallow.

I bet you have goals buried deep inside that you are scared of. You are scared of the work, scared of the sacrifice, maybe even scared of actually achieving them.

I am just beginning to really realize how deeply this specific goal is rooted inside of me. And more over how much it really has NOTHING to do with my weight, muscle, or appearance.

It has to do with my belief system.

Sometimes I hate being vulnerable and honest. I feel really naked. I feel like I could get made fun of.

But, I learn best from my honesty and have to accept that.

There you have it. Another step in my journey.

Every step counts.