#28 – Have a ‘couple’ date with people we’ve never gotten to know before
That was the item I struck off of my list on Day 15. Wow, it sounds like it was an obligation, which certainly was not the case at all!
Since moving to the city Wally and I haven’t really acquired many, strike that – any, couple friends. We have lots of helter-skelter friends (like his group of peeps from school, and for me my home church people, a friend or two at school and now the people I’m getting to know at work), but not couple friends. I’m not sure what everyone else’s experiences are but for us, not having kids has definitely put us into a whole other sect of people.
You see when we were first married meeting new couples to hang out with was pretty easy because they were all getting married too, so we all had loads in common. I’d say we had at least 3 or 4 sets of couples that we could hang out and have fun with. And then it happened … The one thing that no one could seem to avoid. They all had kids. This wouldn’t have been a problem for us as we were really expecting to be in their situation soon too. However, time kept passing by and our ‘situation’ never turned into their ‘situation’.
You see we had every intention of joining the parenting ranks soon after we married, I think I’ve mentioned how that changed, the thing is our friends’ lives didn’t – they all kept reproducing (and some still are) without regard to our needs – how dare they. Didn’t they know we needed them? Didn’t they know we no longer related to their lives? Didn’t they get that we weren’t really interested in having segmented conversations, interrupted game nights and evenings that only further enlightened us on how we weren’t going to parent? No, they were oblivious. And we were selfish.
Now, let me clarify something. Wally and I still have friends that have kids, we would never actually cut people off for this reason (well … no we wouldn’t), but in the past 2 ½ years it has become glaringly obvious that we are living very different lives than our friends with kids. Initially I was NOT ok with this fact. When our friends that got married after us began their little families I really struggled watching them get to experience the miracle of life, mom’s staying home raising their children while I was out scrubbing other people toilets to make ends meet. Our friends were picking out baby names, taking kiddos to preschool and setting up education savings plans while Wally and I were applying to College. Something seemed very wrong with this picture.
It took me a couple of years to truly accept (and now completely LOVE) the place our life was going and now that I do I wouldn’t change a thing. Well maybe one thing … where do you find good friends that you mesh with, who understand where you’re at and can stand with you rather than watch you? Well, to be honest I don’t’ have the answer for this, all I can say is that you have to be open and sometimes step out and make the first move – kind of like dating.
This is where #28 comes in. As I mentioned before finding a couple to ‘date’ isn’t easy. In fact it’s twice as difficult than regular dating, as there are twice as many personalities involved, not to mention the fact that each has to tolerate the mix of 3 other people at the same time – it’s very complex. Generally it’s the ladies who get along and chat, while the gents go do something (or watch something) together. However for #28 I stepped out a bit and took a risk. The people we invited over for a ‘couple’ date I knew but Wally didn’t, and really I didn’t know the gallie very much at all. I invited Bro from work and his wife Smiles. At first I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I find crossing work and personal life weird, who wants to make work awkward with whatever info you’ve accidentally let out the night before? (And I have to admit this I do often). Also, Smiles had interviewed me for my current job and as far as I knew she would be doing it again in the future for whatever contracts that arose, isn’t it weird to be yourself with someone you wouldn’t be yourself with later? I’m just not that kind of a person. Once you get to know me there’s no going back, no faking it, no lying about how you are – I’m me, like it or leave it.
However this time I made the exception. In part because, as I mentioned in Day 12, I had felt that our work team had a ‘family feel’ with no need to fake things and I was accepted. Also because I’d heard rumors that Smiles was a genuinely smiley person, not the fake kind - I like that. Those two things made it ok for me to safely pursue this possible friendship. (It also didn’t hurt that Bro and Smiles had been married for 6 years, were kidless and in a similar situation as Wally and I – wanting kids, yet glad for how things have turned out. Oh, and Bro had a PS3 like Wally).
Once I’d made my list I couldn’t wait to make the invite (actually I think we talked about getting together sooner but it just hadn’t happened). We made a date and last night was it. They came over for dinner and some games. As always the beginning was a bit quiet and awkward (I never let that go on for long), but as we hung in there we chatted along and shared more of each of our own stories. It was going very and I was thinking ‘Yay!! kidless friends with our kind of take on life – does it get any better?!’
I soon found out that it does. How you ask? Well about halfway through our evening we were chatting and Smiles looks at me rather anxiously (probably after I’d remarked about how great it was to have new friends that ‘got it’) and said something about having to tell us something. I’m thinking ‘This is weird. This is only our first date, how could she possibly have anything to tell us that she’d be nervous to share?’ I knew it had to be something big. To be honest I was sure it was going to be ‘We’re pregnant!’ then I would have had to hate them and act all happy on the outside – I hate acting.
Smiles knew this was what I was thinking, as she and Bro had experienced the same anticipation from people as Wally and I had when sharing any exciting news with others (that never was about babies). She quickly spit it out, ‘We’re moving at the end of the month. I got an awesome job as a nanny …’ I’m not really sure of her exact words as I tuned them out after a while. I was stunned, shocked and seriously trying not to cry – my reaction actually surprised myself. ‘What?!!’ I thought. ‘You can’t, it’s our first date. We like you; you are the perfect people for us, there aren’t any others out there you know?! Do you realize how hard it is to find fun kidless people who actually like kids but don’t go to them to fill their every inner need? Seriously, the job cannot be that perfect!’
Ok so my reaction was a little on the selfish side (ok a lot on the selfish side). And it wasn’t entirely about finding our perfect couple friends. Admittedly, just as much of it (maybe more) was to do with my newly acquired family at work, my new brotherly type. Bro is the responsible, level headed, calm one who everyone likes and respects. Our house at work supports two fellows that need good male role models, our house has (had) two and now we were going to be down to one (full time anyways). How could this happen? It really does feel like a family being tugged apart.
Don’t get me wrong I am truly happy for our new friends and their adventures. The fact that they have sold their home and almost everything in it to follow dreams and whatever else God has for them inspires me completely to keep running after life, but it’s so hard to let go at the same time. I really cannot truly rationalize why I feel so at a loss when I think of my new friends leaving, but I do. It’s funny, I always pride myself on being able to let go of people without a problem because I know God’s never going to stop moving in life and we should always be prepared to say good bye – whether it’s through death or change. Why is it that this situation seems so difficult then? Why do I feel like the creepiest person on earth for getting so attached so quickly to people many would classify as strangers?
How would you feel if you were looking for a very specific thing? Let’s say the perfect little black dress (for the ladies) or that one of a kind movie you loved but have never been able to find (for the men - I’m grasping here)? Once you find it you know it immediately. You don’t have to wear it for days to see if it’s ‘right’, or rip it out of the box immediately to make sure, you just know the second you find it that it’s what you are looking for. I guess that’s how I feel about Smiles and Bro.
It’s not that we don’t have lots of friends (especially since moving and expanding our life), but it’s rare to find couple friends that you can ‘click’ with. Now I have to stop myself and say. As couple friends we only met once and really there wasn’t this miraculous clicking or anything like I may be making it sound. But there was potential and hope. And I have to admit that as I grow older in life I’m learning that it’s rare to find people that share the same kind of take on life as I do (as Wally and I do) and sometimes that’s hard. However, I’m also learning that you have always got to leave yourself open to meeting new people too because if you constantly look for ones that fit your mold, timing and surroundings you will indeed miss out on some great travel opportunities.
We plan on visiting our new friends in their new city for sure! (They aren’t getting rid of us that easily!)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Recap of Adventure Days 13 & 14
I have to say, sometimes keeping track of what day is what is a challenge! Oh well, I’ll keep trying to keep up.
Day 13 was a pretty average day, nothing too exciting going on. I went into work for my fifth day in a row (this is good stuff for a relief worker!). Nothing too out of the ordinary from that, but I did get a couple of good ‘funnies’ to share:
I was standing a couple of feet into Guy’s bedroom to say goodnight and stuff when he came (sort of charging) at me with his arms wide open – he wanted a hug. As I mentioned before there are policies and stuff on that kind of thing so we have to really watch stuff. Besides that I will remind you that I’m not a hugely affectionate person (physically). So I took several steps back. He quickly takes the hint and says: “Why don’t you want a hug?”
I say: “Remember, I’m not that into hugs.”
He asks: “How do you love your husband then?”
I say: “I cook for him.”
He looks confused and says: “That’s not loving.”
I say: “It is in my house.”
Another time through out the night when I was apparently being ‘too curious’, Guy reminds me of the ‘curiosity killed the cat’ saying and says: “You should be careful Eva, about being so curious. God’s not always going to save you!”
Day 14 – Did not hold all that much excitement in it. However I did complete one of my items on the list and pursued another one.
I finished up my 7 days of no t.v. (or other stuff like it). I sort of cheated though. Sunday morning (that day) I woke up and plunked down on the couch and turned the t.v. on, without any regard for my resolve. I didn’t give two hoots about 7 days of whatever. The funny thing was I didn’t even care about what I was watching. Since it was Sunday morning there were loads of televangelists on t.v. or speakers of sorts. I suppose in my mind I wasn’t breaking any commitments since I wasn’t actually enjoying what was on t.v.
I kind of think that mentality is funny. I seem to carry that around a lot with me on this 40 day adventure. If it’s not something I care about or feel in my heart drawn to do, then it doesn’t really matter if I do it and break my own rules. I wonder why I do that? It has actually caused me to totally ‘cheat’ on myself several times.
For example Friday night Wally and I went to a movie together (we do this maybe once every year or two) – um, hello, did we have to do this on my week off of media? To go along with that we also bought some snacks for the movie (Swedish berries and a huge Twix bar – did someone forget the other rule?). We did have a giant ‘reasoning’ discussion before and I honestly don’t feel I was doing it out of an internal need for it. It really just seemed wrong to do this ‘special event’ without doing it right – with snacks. That was all well and good until the next day when Wally and I were out for a nice hot beverage (to a place we’d been to before) and I was longing desperately for a baked good (like pleading for some rationale). I didn’t get one, but I did get a larger size drink to make up for it. There’s something wrong with the ‘spirit’ of that activity I think.
Later we decided to go out for lunch and indeed picked a new restaurant and I indeed picked something new to me. It was all good and we definitely felt the spirit of adventure (slight though it was). Then in the evening we had a craving to try something new (at a restaurant that of course I’d been to). It was an ice cream shake type thing. We went and tried and it really is only occurring to me now how ‘off base’ it was for us to convince ourselves this was within the ‘rules’ to do.
Let me address two things with all of these breaking of the rules. First, we don’t normally go out that often (we’re super frugal) but I had my first day off in a while and it was the most we’d seen each other in a week so outings like these seem to be how we roll. The second thing is that I sound wrapped up in my ‘rules’, yet totally unwrapped at the same time.
Here’s the deal: as I write about my ‘adventure’ I’m realizing that putting things to do in the ‘negative’ like: don’t watch t.v. for 7 days, and don’t eat blah, blah, blah, (and though I didn’t put it this way in the list) don’t go to any restaurants that aren’t new to you, we tend to look for ways around them or are naturally pulled to go against them. Even when they are worded positively, if we are not truly desiring something different we are going to find a way around it. Don’t get me wrong I really do want to change and try new things but some days are definitely easier to be in that frame of mind than others.
Even though perfection is far from me at this point I am learning more about myself and those around me by doing this experiment. I’m learning about resolve, motives, commitment, how difficult and even sometimes impossible it is to be ‘perfect’ all the time and always abide by whatever rules are laid down. I am understanding so much more about my faith (that sounds weird I know) but I’m talking more about the foundation of my Christian faith, about how following rules is just not how Jesus rolled. He was so much more about living by the Spirit and many times that meant breaking the rules. This is where things get tough though. On our own we can never really know when to ‘break the rules’, our natural desires are going to always justify the things we want. To really know when it’s better for us to ‘break the rules’ we need to truly seek direction – and that’s not easy, at all.
The world, and the religious system, is all about rules and following things by a line. There are laws to protect us, there are scientific rules by which the physical world lives, we hear all about what the moral way to do things is, but what about when those laws cannot be followed, understood or upheld? Sometimes we stick to them anyway, even if it hurts others or ourselves. Other times we do away with the whole system and live by our own school of thought. But every so often we actually stop and think about whatever it is we are struggling through and we look deeper, we ask questions we were always too afraid to ask and we leave ourselves open to debate. Do we always get the answers? No. Do we always need the answers? I don’t think so. Does it always matter if we go through this process only to find out we made the wrong decision - we trusted too much, we didn’t feel enough or we just made a stupid choice? No, and to be honest I don’t know that I really believe in the idea of making a mistake IF we learn something in the process and become better for it.
With all of that being said, I’m continuing my journey and perhaps at some point may try to truly follow the rules by the strictest of standard and write about it, but for now I’m going to continue to teach myself how to keep my resolve (re-reading them has been a big help) without constantly going from one extreme to another. We’ll see how that goes!
Day 13 was a pretty average day, nothing too exciting going on. I went into work for my fifth day in a row (this is good stuff for a relief worker!). Nothing too out of the ordinary from that, but I did get a couple of good ‘funnies’ to share:
I was standing a couple of feet into Guy’s bedroom to say goodnight and stuff when he came (sort of charging) at me with his arms wide open – he wanted a hug. As I mentioned before there are policies and stuff on that kind of thing so we have to really watch stuff. Besides that I will remind you that I’m not a hugely affectionate person (physically). So I took several steps back. He quickly takes the hint and says: “Why don’t you want a hug?”
I say: “Remember, I’m not that into hugs.”
He asks: “How do you love your husband then?”
I say: “I cook for him.”
He looks confused and says: “That’s not loving.”
I say: “It is in my house.”
Another time through out the night when I was apparently being ‘too curious’, Guy reminds me of the ‘curiosity killed the cat’ saying and says: “You should be careful Eva, about being so curious. God’s not always going to save you!”
Day 14 – Did not hold all that much excitement in it. However I did complete one of my items on the list and pursued another one.
I finished up my 7 days of no t.v. (or other stuff like it). I sort of cheated though. Sunday morning (that day) I woke up and plunked down on the couch and turned the t.v. on, without any regard for my resolve. I didn’t give two hoots about 7 days of whatever. The funny thing was I didn’t even care about what I was watching. Since it was Sunday morning there were loads of televangelists on t.v. or speakers of sorts. I suppose in my mind I wasn’t breaking any commitments since I wasn’t actually enjoying what was on t.v.
I kind of think that mentality is funny. I seem to carry that around a lot with me on this 40 day adventure. If it’s not something I care about or feel in my heart drawn to do, then it doesn’t really matter if I do it and break my own rules. I wonder why I do that? It has actually caused me to totally ‘cheat’ on myself several times.
For example Friday night Wally and I went to a movie together (we do this maybe once every year or two) – um, hello, did we have to do this on my week off of media? To go along with that we also bought some snacks for the movie (Swedish berries and a huge Twix bar – did someone forget the other rule?). We did have a giant ‘reasoning’ discussion before and I honestly don’t feel I was doing it out of an internal need for it. It really just seemed wrong to do this ‘special event’ without doing it right – with snacks. That was all well and good until the next day when Wally and I were out for a nice hot beverage (to a place we’d been to before) and I was longing desperately for a baked good (like pleading for some rationale). I didn’t get one, but I did get a larger size drink to make up for it. There’s something wrong with the ‘spirit’ of that activity I think.
Later we decided to go out for lunch and indeed picked a new restaurant and I indeed picked something new to me. It was all good and we definitely felt the spirit of adventure (slight though it was). Then in the evening we had a craving to try something new (at a restaurant that of course I’d been to). It was an ice cream shake type thing. We went and tried and it really is only occurring to me now how ‘off base’ it was for us to convince ourselves this was within the ‘rules’ to do.
Let me address two things with all of these breaking of the rules. First, we don’t normally go out that often (we’re super frugal) but I had my first day off in a while and it was the most we’d seen each other in a week so outings like these seem to be how we roll. The second thing is that I sound wrapped up in my ‘rules’, yet totally unwrapped at the same time.
Here’s the deal: as I write about my ‘adventure’ I’m realizing that putting things to do in the ‘negative’ like: don’t watch t.v. for 7 days, and don’t eat blah, blah, blah, (and though I didn’t put it this way in the list) don’t go to any restaurants that aren’t new to you, we tend to look for ways around them or are naturally pulled to go against them. Even when they are worded positively, if we are not truly desiring something different we are going to find a way around it. Don’t get me wrong I really do want to change and try new things but some days are definitely easier to be in that frame of mind than others.
Even though perfection is far from me at this point I am learning more about myself and those around me by doing this experiment. I’m learning about resolve, motives, commitment, how difficult and even sometimes impossible it is to be ‘perfect’ all the time and always abide by whatever rules are laid down. I am understanding so much more about my faith (that sounds weird I know) but I’m talking more about the foundation of my Christian faith, about how following rules is just not how Jesus rolled. He was so much more about living by the Spirit and many times that meant breaking the rules. This is where things get tough though. On our own we can never really know when to ‘break the rules’, our natural desires are going to always justify the things we want. To really know when it’s better for us to ‘break the rules’ we need to truly seek direction – and that’s not easy, at all.
The world, and the religious system, is all about rules and following things by a line. There are laws to protect us, there are scientific rules by which the physical world lives, we hear all about what the moral way to do things is, but what about when those laws cannot be followed, understood or upheld? Sometimes we stick to them anyway, even if it hurts others or ourselves. Other times we do away with the whole system and live by our own school of thought. But every so often we actually stop and think about whatever it is we are struggling through and we look deeper, we ask questions we were always too afraid to ask and we leave ourselves open to debate. Do we always get the answers? No. Do we always need the answers? I don’t think so. Does it always matter if we go through this process only to find out we made the wrong decision - we trusted too much, we didn’t feel enough or we just made a stupid choice? No, and to be honest I don’t know that I really believe in the idea of making a mistake IF we learn something in the process and become better for it.
With all of that being said, I’m continuing my journey and perhaps at some point may try to truly follow the rules by the strictest of standard and write about it, but for now I’m going to continue to teach myself how to keep my resolve (re-reading them has been a big help) without constantly going from one extreme to another. We’ll see how that goes!
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