Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I thought I already learned this lesson!

I really want to say something brilliant right now. I want to, you know, discover something great in the deep recesses of my mind and share it with the world and have people wake up and be like 'Wow! You are a genius!'

Unfortunately I'm going through a dry spell and it's doubtful that will happen.

Instead I'll give you what I've got.

The other day Dee, my trainer, asked me what I was going to do this week other than work.


I said 'Uh, nothing. I don't really have any hobbies.'

I came home thinking 'Girl, you need a life.'

I can't believe how much the distractions of life can take completely over if you let them and give you nothing but stress and boredom in return.

I've been going overboard with work since I took that contract in September. And unfortunately I haven't returned to my former discovering self.

If I were to list the things I've learned since the new year, they'd be few and far between. That's not to say I haven't learned anything, just that I haven't been having the fun I had found last summer in doing so.

I do find it amazing that you can be given a certain lesson in life and really start 'getting it' then end up reverting to your old ways when challenged to practice it in a new setting.

A few years ago when I had my own business and was completely self employed, I had to learn the lesson of trust. Trusting that I couldn't do it all until I let go. I wasn't in control. I had gotten myself overworked, stressed out and full of fear wondering where my next job would come from and how we were going to pay our bills.

After much learning and slowly letting go of my fears, and realizing that I just needed to allow myself not to worry but rather to trust I did. I took a lot of mental work at first, but I did it. I put my own needs before worrying about money. I decided that my need for a break was just as important (if not more so) than my need for money to pay the hydro bill.

By beginning to say no when I knew I needed a break I began exercising a great muscle. I'll call it that 'trust your instinct' muscle. This was and probably is the best muscle I could possibly learn how to use. The cool part was, the more I exercised ti the better I got at trusting and the less I had to worry about my bills because the work always came at the right time, fulfilling the right need. It was very cool.

Now that I'm re learning that same old lesson in my life, a few years later, I am going to learn how to use it again.

I'm shocked as to how quickly we can forget how to use something once we stop.

It makes me wonder if we stop needing to use that muscle or if we use it without thinking in a natural healthy way. Or did we just get distracted with other things and forget all about the lesson we learned and are back to our old unhealthy ways.

Who knows?

My best guess is the latter one. It's incredible how easy it is to fall into our old ways of thinking and living when we stop being conscious of ourselves and what we are doing.

Now the fun part begins.

The exercise. The discipline. The determination. The work.

Perhaps another 40 Day Journey is in order ...


This will never end, will it?

Friday, March 26, 2010

Pain, pain, pain

I am thankful I can feel, I am thankful I can feel, I am thankful I can feel.

I'm just trying to remind myself that this will be the result ...

Or. If I'm lucky it'll be this ...

Actually, either way I'll be happy!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sinking Heart

I just got news yesterday from a friend of mine that made my heart sink all the way down to my feet.

Do you ever get news like that? You know, that just feels like it knocks the wind out of ya.

First of all my friend is not one of those people I'd really ever phone up on the phone, she's someone I go out for lunch with usually around 3 times a year, with her mom. We've known each other pretty much all of our lives but didn't really become 'lunch buddies' until a few years ago when our mutual 'adopted' neighbourly grandmother got ill and passed away. Ever since then we've remained in contact, sort of in her memory.

We do e-mail now and then just to see how the other is doing. Her husband started a career in real estate a few years ago and he sold our house for us. I played the piano at her wedding and I will go to her baby shower. And of course they were/are invited to our party.

I had e-mailed her this past week as it was March Break and that's the regular time that we meet up (as she's a school teacher and my schedule really did go around the school year with my teaching as well). It was last minute so I figured we wouldn't be able to make a date but thought I'd try anyway. The response I received back from her astounded me...

She apologized for not being able to fit in a last minute lunch date as she had already committed to several things on her week off. I completely understood. She then went on to say that she had 4 weeks left of her pregnancy and that things weren't great at their house.

I went on to read that she had just found out that week that her husband had been having an affair with another woman for the past few months.

This is the point in which my heart plummeted to my toes.

An immediate ache came to my chest and I gasped. Muttered a few words of disbelief and just stared at the words on the screen.

I have not e-mailed her back as I could tell by how she typed her e-mail she was in shock. It was very 'matter of fact' and obviously very fresh. Besides what are the perfect words for someone who is 8 months pregnant and just found out her husband had an affair?

Oh yes and there's one more fact I forgot to add: My friend and her husband had a miscarriage three years ago soon after trying to start a family. This was her first pregnancy so as you can imagine it ignited many fears within her about being able to have more children. It then took another 2 1/2 years before she was able to get pregnant again with the baby she is now carrying.

Though every time I hear about a situation like this I tell myself 'wow! you never know!' that feeling soon fades and is replaced by feelings of security and immunity to the dreaded 'we're separated' plague that seems to rear it's ugly head.

I have to admit that this hit me even harder yesterday as Wally and I have been having a particularly challenging time with one another lately. I'd be lying if I denied that I have dreamed now and then about what it would be like to be able to pursue life single.

It's so easy to get carried away in whatever you are doing or chasing. For me a new job, planning a party, and trying to stay on top of life at home. For Wally getting used to a new job as well, doing a website every spare second to pay for this party, and adapting to his ever changing wife you wants to experience every little thing that pops up in life and who rarely wants to wait for him to catch up.

Last night as we laid in bed and briefly discussed my friend's heartbreaking dilemma (to put it lightly). I asked Wally if he ever worried that we would break up. Now I have to be honest again. We discuss this every now and then at a very honest level. We are not the types to deny our humanity in the name of our faith and say things like 'this will never happen to us'. We believe the moment you put yourself in a place (at least in your mind) of being better than everyone else, or immune to human problems you are most susceptible.

I was assuming he would say 'Yes I worry about it sometimes ...' and I thought he may bring up my ever on going need to run around to and fro. Then he would finish with 'But I know we keep working on things and talk to eachother and as long as we do that we'll be fine.'

Instead his response was 'Yes. All of the time.' He may have even had an 'everyday' in there because the way he said it would've knocked me down had I not already been laying in bed.

I was shocked and of course grilled him a bit but I could not change his answer nor did he care to defend himself. This was followed by silence that told me he did not want to talk further about it - flags of the red persuasion were flying high.

This whole thing reminds me of how incredibly fragile marriage is and how something that once seemed strong and invincible can grow frail quickly when you are not paying attention.

It seems like just when life seems to be going ok something pops up to remind you that great things don't happen on their own. When you see a couple that's been married for 50 years they weren't immune to life's challenges, they grew through them. It does not mean they did not face infidelity, separation perhaps at some point, misunderstanding, broken hearts, grief, broken dreams, financial hardship or illness. It means they worked through them one by one not denying they existed but rather looking at them and being real about what they were feeling.

I find the hardest thing about life and about marriage is that no matter what you've gone through, unless you are dead, the lessons you've learned will be tested again and sometimes again. You are never done.

That's so frustrating especially if you only 'barely passed' the last test on it.

Right now Wally and I have some work to do. Some understanding that needs to happen. Because though we may change from the people we once were and even in some aspects what we believe. I know beyond a doubt that whether I stay with him or leave I will not find a better mate for me at this time in my life. Not because he's the perfect 'one' for me, I'm not sure I believe in that. But because I believe he's the best person in the world right now that can carve me into the best me right now. I know that if I chose to leave him for someone or something else I'd never be able to be the best me there was.

Every one is different and I respect that. If I were in my friend's position I have no idea what I would do. I pray that I'm never in that place but realize that no one is immune from their humanity or that of those around them.

Pray for my friend.

Pray for me.

Pray for my Wally.

You don't need to be on the brink of divorce or tragedy to ask for a little help.

Friday, March 19, 2010


Today I had a day off. These no longer happen very often. Generally I work 6 days in a row, often three of them being 10-13 hour days and the others a bit shorter, but I have to say the shorter ones don't generally seem to give me any extra time.

I've shared my challenges with my schedule lately so I won't go into it now but to say I lazed about today without really gaining rest.

At 3:30pm I finally found myself out and about picking up groceries so Wally and I could get to the gym tomorrow before going out of town to look for a car before me going into work.

I had a good conversation with Dee yesterday about nutrition and foods we should be eating. Nothing he told me was new but for some reason I am ready to try new things like egg whites from a box, and soy milk. All the things we could never afford before really.

So I decided today when grocery shopping I'd be perfectly good and get 'clean' foods only and try and come home and prep everything the best I could. I did well at the grocery store, however I did not get inspired to 'prep' until around 9pm when I was completely exhausted.

Anyways, I had gone online earlier in the day and found a vegetarian chili recipe to try and then I organized and cleaned out our freezers. Boy did that feel good! That alone made me feel clean.

I learned I had stashed away too much bacon in the freezer. A pound of it frozen in one piece and another pound that I had frozen in sections of two portions each. Needless to say, bacon's not on the new menu, at least not as a staple item (like it used to be). Also found 3 separated pounds of ground beef. Another ting we're trying to move away from (as a staple anyway).

I think I will find ways to incorporate these things in meals when or if we ever have company over or go to a potluck sometime. Normally I wouldn't care and both Wally and I would go about eating the same old things but this time I really want to feel what it's like to eat as great as we can. And right now we can so why not.

Once I was done that I realized we really did not need 2 freezers but oh well right? I took out a few items that had been in there too long. Some I threw out, some I decided to cook up and then separate to make for easy healthy meals later, as we don't often get to eat supper together anymore.


The good kind of sighs, like that of breathing in fresh air. That's how I feel. Like I have opened a window of a new life and right now I have a choice as to whether or not I would like to bask in it, get out of the house and experience it along with the world it offers, or shut the window.

Right now I'm basking.

I'm still amazed at how little the pull towards crappy food is. Today at Walmart I barely noticed the Easter candy and when Wally mentioned going out for dinner I felt it more of a burden than a gift (as we wouldn't have been going to a four start restaurant that would serve healthy food).

This is all new to me and I hope it only gets stronger. I certainly don't plan on becoming a food snob, nor do I plan to become obsessed with it. I have just always desired to become the best I could be in this area, but so far it's only been a dream. I still can't believe I have a personal trainer - THAT'S A MAN!!!

There's so much more I could say but I am completely exhausted and truly just wanting a week long hiatus from work but life continues tomorrow....

Whoever's with me, thank you for stickin' around. I like knowing someone is listening ... or reading. Makes me feel ... not so alone :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010


This is going to be short and to the point today and I'll use a photo to explain how I am feeling on my journey day 15:

Yeah that pretty much sums it up.

This is the first day of week 3 with my trainer and I feel good because I have, by my best guess, lost between 4 and 5 pounds, but even better than that am not distracted by the idol of food. It's amazing.

No I'm not saying I don't have temptations, nor am I saying I don't indulge (my trainer wouldn't exactly approve), but I feel so much freer from the shackles of my lust over food, at least at this point. It feels amazing.

I have a long way to go but it feels good to succeed at least with little steps. The true test will be the long term. That's what Wally and I want, a lifestyle change.

We'll do our best.

We are thankful.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Update on 'New Journey'

Ok so I guess I can't commit to anything again like I did my original 40 days. I mean I did do that in the summer when I only worked like 30 hours a week..

Anyways enough excuses hear she is...

I have been doing pretty darn good with both my eating and my time at the gym.

Here's the low down:

* I have been told to eat at least every 3 hours to keep my body moving and metabolizing I guess. It's amazing how challenging this can be considering I feel (or used to feel) as though I was a food addict. In reality I think I am just a sugar addict but with a specific focus it really has not been too difficult.

* I see my trainer 2 times a week for an hour each time. I have met with him 4 times now and am completely amazed at how rapidly I am improving each time I workout with him. This proves to me once again that God is an incredible Creator. To make us in such a way that we can truly change our bodies in this way.

* I go to the gym 2 more times a week (an hour per visit) to do cardio. This has consisted usually of 20 minutes on the elliptical, 20 on the bike (a beautiful wide seated up right kind) and either another 20 on the elliptical or on another machine like it.

* This past Sunday I went to a Interval Box class which is an hour long cardio mixed with full body workout. I loved it even though I forgot my water bottle and was dried out in the first minute, thought I was going to die after 20 minutes, and was positive I'd give up after 35, but was rejoiced when we started cooling down at 45. (This counted towards my hour of cardio).

* I'm not sure exactly how much I've lost since I didn't actually weigh myself on my home scale, instead I got weighed in there. I had a hunch when they weighed me in their scale was 'nicer' than mine by 2 pounds. If it's true I've probably lost 3 pounds overall and it's been 1 1/2 weeks. I'm hoping this is true. The goal (my trainer's goal) is 2 pounds a week.

* I am really challenged trying to pack two snacks and two meals for on the road these days. Not my favourite thing to do as I don't own a cooler, oh well.

Wally's doing great too. We go at separate times for our personal sessions as we have completely different work schedules and we'd have to do it apart anyway. We do try to go together for our cardio - it's been amazing to have a hobby to do together, at least in some way. We really hope that when we are done our sessions it's something we can keep doing - like actually working out together not just machines.

Something that's kind of weird is that I haven't been sleeping so great. I've been getting the kind of sleep that makes you feel as though you are half awake all night. I'm not a fan of it at all.

I went out dress shopping today. Well actually just dress browsing, I had absolutely no real intentions of buying one today. I tried several on and was surprised that I wasn't completely in tears by the end. Part of it is because though my body isn't where I want it to be I know I am working with someone who keeps me accountable and I just started. That was wonderful. I also do wonder if my body is beginning to change already. I mean considering I've been busting it at the gym and eating like to near perfection, it's got to help in some way right?

All in all I am already seeing the benefits of this decision. Ultimately we are going to get so much more out of this than healthier bodies, which I had really hoped. To so many people that we grew up around and to many of our family we would be looked at as 'wasting' or 'throwing' away good earned cash on frivolous things, luxuries really.

In fact a girl I shadowed the other day (who by the way, goes on trips literally around the world every year for a couple of weeks at a time) told me that she wishes she had the kind of money to spend on a personal trainer - 'you're so lucky!' she said.

I nearly fell over and slapped her at the same time. I thought 'Are you seriously that stupid?' Everyone chooses their priorities. Sometimes we are granted the gift of being able to chose more in our life than basic food and shelter needs. Almost anyone in North America can do this these days. It's about what you are considering a priority. To her it was travel, For us in this moment it's the gym. Another time it may be a trip abroad, to someone else it may be the size of house or kind of car they have. None of it (in my opinion) is wrong, as long as it's for the right reasons.

The benefits for us:
* closer relationship because of a shared experience
* a new hobby to share
* huge confidence building for both of these childhood fat kids
* strength building, physical and mental
* more friends
* becoming the people we want to be for our kids in whatever ways this experience can give us.

There you have it. Our Journey in a nut shell so far.

I should tell you about the wild turkey moves I've been doing. I'll save that for next time...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Day 5 & 6 - the pain continues ...

My Day 5 - of my 'New Journey' can be summed up with this:

I had to spend another 60 minutes on it on Sunday after already doing 60 minutes of cardio the previous day (I decided to break things up a bit and use the bike in the middle).

I only got to 40 minutes but was still really impressed as my prescription had called for a total of 2 one hour sessions within 7 days and I'd done it in two (just because that's how the schedule worked out this past week). Yay me!

I also learned that despite all of the pain I was in it felt good to move, it helped with the muscle stiffness for sure.

Day 6 of my 'New Journey' was another trip back to see my trainer. This picture sums up what I enjoyed most about our time, except for the part where I didn't feel nauseous and I already noticed a huge difference in what I could do.

By the Way - this isn't us ...

Yeah, can I just say that I NEVER in a million years thought I'd EVER have a male trainer, let alone a pro wrestling personal trainer. Who I have to allow do things like ... oh I don't know .... this kind of stretch with me.

But for some reason I don't care. I don't even care when I'm in the middle of my workout and there's men around (very close by the way) probably watching my touche flex and jiggle. I was surrounded by two yesterday, not including my trainer, and my head was only in my workout. I think this is really cool.

Anyways, today I must now live with a brand new soreness, but to be honest I really am thankful for the ability to renew and change my body. God creates us beautifully and we take that for granted and abuse that too often.

Saturday, March 6, 2010


This was my evening:





No, just for the record, I did not have any of these items. I refrained while I watched everyone else in the food court partake. I instead had some mini rice cakes which had way too much salt. But I was hungry and I had a good day overall. Even got my hour of cardio done (which was prescribed by Dee).

Of course this was why, while at the mall supporting a couple of young ladies, I desperately wanted to hide in these:

Speaking of which. Goodnight.

My First Beating

Scroll down and read 'Explanations' first.

Ok so Dee didn't beat me ... per se.

I arrived at the gym with bells on my shoes ready to go for my first official workout with a real live trainer.

Here's the scoop on Dee: He's a pro wrestler. It's true. He apparently 'rose to the top' in early 2000 and in 2002/03 gave it up to be a dad. I'm not exactly sure what that means but I think it's cool. He still does wrestling on the weekends and 'shows' I guess, don't know what that entails. He's obviously fit (like muscle man with a little head, very white teeth and tan skinned fit). And he's super nice - well as nice as someone can be who's bringing you more physical pain than you've ever experienced in life can bring.

So I met Dee he told me to go do 3 minutes or so on a bike in the front area (where people can see you!) and he'd meet me after he checked out my eating for the past day or so.

Once I figured that out and he met me and said, after he looked over my previous day's eating, 'I think this is the first time I've ever told someone they were eating really well. The only this I would say is you have to eat more.'

At that point the heavens parted and the angels sang.

Then the little voice in my head said 'Yeah you didn't show him what you ate the day before that or the days before that'.

I thought the little voice to shut up and I gleamed with pride.

That's when we uprooted ourselves and went on with the workout.

I won't give you every horrid detail. I'll just say that the picture of the bucket should explain something (if you've ever seen 'The Biggest Loser' you'd understand). Dee was warning me of a point that may come in the workout when I could begin to feel nauseous, he said that it generally comes out of nowhere and if so to sit down. He began telling me that he used to train a guy that was in his 20's out of shape, and for the first 13 workouts vomited every time. He told the kid that he really couldn't be doing that every week or Dee would get in trouble (I guess for seemingly pushing him too hard). The kid pushed through determined to do his best and by the 14th session didn't puke anymore.

My first thoughts 'Pffst. Like I'm going to want to vomit. Whatever.'

Maybe 5 or 10 minutes later I was standing during a break and Dee was talking and I sure enough felt a wave coming on. Not the surfing kind either.

I sat down, told him how I felt and he got me some orange juice. He talked me through it and explained when I asked, that it was your body telling you you've gone far enough and that it was beginning to shut down basically.

At that body I felt like I could have literally fell into a bed and slept - it was so weird because usually even if your body is tired when working out you have adrenaline pumping and you may be weak but not ready for sleep. I was ready for sleep.

I sat for 5 minutes before the nausea passed with Dee talking about how it was great I made it through 40 minutes out of the hour so well, blah, blah, blah. You know when you hear those words: 'No really you did great', when you don't need convincing that you did great (or at least your best), the encouragement seems more like a mock. well I forgave Dee and decided he wouldn't have known better. Seeing as he's fit and all.

We finished by doing some interesting stretching involving Dee grabbing a couple of my arms and yanking to and fro in a way that felt strangely great. As he was wrapping up a general spiel and I was gearing up to get out of there I heard him say 'So now you just need to head over and do 20 minutes of cardio and you'll be good to go'.

In my head, and only in my head, I said 'What the @#%$@#$%!!!' (no I didn't swear)

Then slowly headed over to do my cardio even though it would make me late and tired-er.

In one word I would describe my first workout experience with a trainer as: wobble-y.

Hope you're getting the picture ... and laughing with me.

P.S. This day was the predecessor to the Monkey wincing that I posted lastnight. the monkey wincing definitely describes me the day after my first beating. To a tee.


OK so here's the story...

As anyone would know who has read this blog from the beginning (or you know, two days ago), I have issues with my body. With trying to keep it healthy, treating it with respect, ok I'll come out and say it: I'm a binge-r. I emotional eat and I more often than not feel crappy about how I let this happen.

(My solution here is not going to make sense when I say what it is. Oh well).

So all of my life I've wanted to get fit and free from these things. I actually do like exercise (or so I thought 2 days ago) but the recent gym membership wally and I signed up for left us feeling overwhelmed and stupid in all things 'gym' related. You know, exactly how they (whoever 'they' are) want you to feel.

Both Wally and I know that getting a gym membership by no means gets anywhere near solving our food 'issues' but for us we thought it was a great idea to give us something active to do together for the very first time.

It took me a couple of years to get Wally to agree to or even want to go to a gym. The insecurities over our weight and appearance at the gym (not knowing how the heck to operate a treadmill) overcame any possibility to even walk past one, let alone think of joining one. The fact that gyms are often filled with seemingly already 'fit' people who would throw money into something we saw as a luxury didn't make us feel any more comfortable.

I asked Wally the other day what had changed. Why he was willing to finally do this (yes, if you remember correctly I went to a gym before, but this was a way different ball game, one I'd only go to with another scared person in tow).

His answer surprised me.

He said 'Because how you are living now a days trying to experience life. I just thought I should.' (This is no quote, more of a gist)

I was in awe. 'That's kinda cool' I thought.

So on Valentine's Day we went in and signed up. A few days later after we'd each had our demos and realized we still knew nothing and actually wanted to make some changes in our lives and knew we needed help, we went back and inquired about personal trainers.

Can I just say that never in my life have I ever thought I would EVER be ok with having a man be my personal trainer. EVER. But we had our demonstrations with the same guy who apparently is new to that gym and there was something about him we both liked so that's who we have. (I can't wait to tell you more about him - interesting stuff!)

Obviously we both signed up, with Dee (the guy who did our demo). Not only did we sign up, but we SIGNED up. We each got 24 sessions. YIKES! We were able to split a package deal together and get a good deal (I suppose relatively speaking).

Can I say again there are other reasons why this is big? Like NEVER would we have ever spent money like this before on something like this - we really are changing our ways and prioritizing what we want according to our dreams.

So there you have it. Let me make this clear. We have no ambitions to because swimsuit models or get on the cover of any magazine. We really do just want to learn and try to get in better shape so that we can spur eachother on.

Did you want clarification about some of the pictures? I'll assume so (though it might be coming together for you now.

The first post with pictures was my 'Last supper' filled with some of my favourite crap. The cookies are a binge staple and the Burger King meal is a craving staple, even though I don't eat there more than every couple of months. Seeing as now I am (or will) be accountable to Dee for everything I put in my mouth, I thought I'd have a last horrah. No I do not plan on cutting everything 'yummy' out of my overall menu, I do hope to keep these things to a minimum while I acquire a taste for health. I love that Dee will be watching.

The staircase: obvious isn't it. This seems like a forever journey already because it's not about the next 3 months, it's about a lifetime of good choices.


So I hope this better explains my 'new' journey and I'm glad that y'all are enjoying the new addition of photos. This should be fun! (Can I just add that I uploaded these photos BY MYSELF, such an accomplishment for me!!!!)

Growing everyday,

Eva :)

Friday, March 5, 2010

New Journey Day 3

My work day today can be summed up in these two pictures:

These are much less to do with my journey and much more to do with how work went. But it describes my day well.

The photo I would use to reveal how my day 3 of my 'new' journey went is more like this...

Don't worry I do still plan and sharing a bit more with you about this whole thing.

Just not yet.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

New Journey Day 2

Yeah so this picture sums up my new experience in a nutshell.

I wanted one so bad.

I have to run to work. I'd like to post my experience in words at some point.

We'll see ...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Journey Begins Here for One of us. I said BEGINS.

I'm going to keep things simple.

The first picture is entitled 'My Last Supper'

Next we have my 'Final Fling' ...

If you haven't guessed yet my journey continues, even though I stated that it was only beginning in my title. There is a new part of it that is beginning tomorrow actually, but I'll save my commentary on that for a photo tomorrow. The above two pictures are my photo commentary for yesterday.

What can I say? I think they explain my relationship very well: quick and cheap.

Today my friends was a new day. At 7:30am this morning this is what I was thinking of my new 'journey' ...

If you cannot tell, this is a picture taken from the BOTTOM of the stair case looking at the mountain that seems to be ahead. I feel like a little mouse trying to climb a boat load of stairs.

Today was the day I started a challenge and I am continuing to try and fan the flame of possible competitiveness within myself. Something that I truly wonder if it exists.

I'm not competitive by nature. At all. I am quite happy to let everyone run by me in a race. I am totally satisfied to let other people have more money than me, be nicer than me, and just be better than me.

Today I take up the challenge to try and be better than me myself. For reals.

I hope to use pictures often in the next 84 days to tell a story. You know the old saying 'A picture is worth a thousand words', well I'm hopin' so.

See you tomorrow.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Fulfilling Dreams

A far cry from my nightmares last evening.

Tomorrow I start an adventure I never thought I would have the courage to go on. It ideally will change my life. In some way.

During the next 84 days I am going to try and use my birthday gift from Wally to tell my journey's story. I may even share it.

I'll learn lots of new things. Have lots of great stories.

Get ready. Here I come.

Oh yeah. On a sad note: I will be holding a funeral as well. For two very dear friends. More on that later.

Good night.


Lastnight I had a nightmare.

It was about my party. It was terrible.

In my nightmare time was flying by. Real fast like (hmmm... sounds normal to me). I remember the time of the party coming and we were in this little tiny old rickety church hall type place that could really only hold maybe 20 people comfortably.

For some reason there was a mis-communication with the DJ and he didn't come at all. Then I had forgotten to get the decorations done so I had a mixed array of dollar store streamers ripped and masking taped up to and fro. I also happened to run out of time to find anything decent to wear so I looked a fright.

To top it off barely anyone showed up. Which considering the sounds of the party that occurred, it was probably a good thing.

So I guess I need to do a bit more planning or something. I am starting to worry a bit about some of my ideas and stuff. EEK!!

With less than 2 months til party time I think I'd better get on things.

Monday, March 1, 2010

No Time to Think

So it's 5:30am on a Monday morning in which I will soon begin my day.

It's a different day in my work world as I am working during the day today and home this evening (miraculous!!)

I am only up because I have a pooch that is not feeling well and I am doing my best to keep him from giving me proof on the carpet. Not my favourite activity.

It's at this point I briefly contemplate calling in for work to be with him but realize that might be a tad on the crazy side since he's probably ok.

sO I sit here and think ...

It's been in the past couple of weeks I have come to a serious conclusion: I am too busy to think.

Not in an 'I'm too busy to think because I am soooo important and have way better things to do' way. More in an 'it's March already!! I haven't made time to do all of those things I meant to do this year yet!' way.

I am beginning to realize that I am totally letting my job and financial goals overcome everything else that's important in my life. (And by the way getting so busy that I am neglecting any sort of good budgeting which would make those financial goals see any light of day).

This is really hard for me. I am a very focused person. I see a goal and I go for it. If I want to 'experience life', I devote time to 'experiencing life'. If I want to travel, I travel (ok so I haven't done a lot of this at all but when I do it's takes focus for me to accomplish it, since it doesn't come natural to me). If I want to truly get healthy, I truly get healthy (again not something I've experienced but there is more to tell you regarding this later). If I want to try 40 things in 40 days I do my best to try forty things in forty days.

My main goal in life is to live. Live with passion. Live with fire. Live with gusto. After my experiment last year the biggest thing that I learned while trying loads of new things, whether it was a new food, or going to a new religious experience, I learned that relationships were the most important thing in life. At least in my unprofessional opinion.

Now as I look back on my last 6 months of life I am realizing I have slid back in time to my old, old ways of doing things. My bad habit of saying 'yes' to everyone (only regarding my work). My focus lately had been entirely work related. Why? Well when I started my new job I was told 'Permanent schedules come faster to those who accept shifts quicker'.

I took that to heart and have worked no less that 43 hours every week (you are only allowed to work 44 awake hours a week) plus 2-3 overnight shifts a week (your are only supposed to work 2 a week) the past few weeks.

Initially I was very proud of this accomplishment. I was working hard, doing my part to get a permanent schedule that I could count on (mostly because if I had a permanent schedule I wouldn't be obligated to take everyone else's stray shifts).

A couple of weeks ago I had a great conversation with another co worker I had just met. She works approximately 15 hours a week, give or take. She's been with the agency for years but she's still not much older than myself. She's a liver, like me (or like I was). I liked her immediately after a few sentences were exchanged. I knew she'd 'get' what I talked about when we chatted about our lives.

She told me not to burn myself out with work there. That they would take me for all I had. She didn't said it was a terrible agency or anything but that if I was willing to be worn out that would happen. Right now I am definitely letting that happen. all for the sake of money really. Well, that and a good reputation at work.


So now I'm in an interesting position. One I didn't think I would be put in again. I'm in the class of life called 'Saying NO 101'. You see I did pass this class at one point in my life, when I had realized that I just needed to trust God would give me all I needed and then some if I wold just sit back and let him. It didn't mean being lazy, I just meant letting go of my own ego fulfilling desires and trusting that by doing so He would fill the other voids in life.

I remember when I passed the class before I was able to say no without guilt because I knew it was what I was supposed to do. I knew that by doing so I would be taken care of in an area of my life that I needed something other than the high of saying 'yes'. It was a wonderful class that I learned so much in. I feel it grew wisdom within me. Somewhere along the line I think the wisdom took a hike, or perhaps I sent it on a vacay.

It's funny I've been thinking about this struggle of mine for the past several weeks. Too scared to admit it or bring it up because I knew it meant that I would have to deal with it if I 'talked' about it. Well I've talked about it. To to fix it.


I'm going to think some more on this and see where it takes me.

Hopefully somewhere great.