Friday, October 29, 2010

Up and Down

That's me. But if you read my blog very often you know that already.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm mentally ill or something (not that there's anything wrong with that) but I do think it's a case of over zealousness.

The other day I had a little panic attack at the thought of my goals. I was thinking 'Oh my goodness!!! What did I do? Who commits to raising $10 000 for a place in only a few months?' I then thought of my trainer goal and pondered 'Why did I say I wanted this? It's not really me, people would only laugh at the thought. I'm not committed enough or good enough to do this!' I kept thinking .... 'Bikini goal - why would I ever be that superficial? I don't even really believe women should wear bikinis in public, why would I ever say that?'

Upon my first thought of panic grew many more. With each one they got more negative and disbelieving.

Shame on me.

After getting excited yesterday morning at the my current '$100 Jar' Fundraiser that I'm starting over the weekend, I had shared with a couple of people at work my plan and they looked at me like I was nuts. I came home deflated and in doubt. I declared to Wally: 'I can't do it. I can't raise $10 000!!'.

However the second those words came out of my mouth I knew it was a lie. So the second that followed the first I renounced it with 'That's I lie. I know I can'. At which time I proceeded to slump over on the couch with depression.

Ok so I'll admit it, I thought fund raising was going to start out a wee bit easier. I knew the money would exactly fly in but I thought it was at least take a gondola or something.

Last night I planned to have the first fund raising meeting to begin looking at different ideas and ways we could look at reaching the goal. Initially there was a group of us, then by the time the night came we were down to two. At first I was going to cancel, but then I realized the power of two. The importance of the other very willing person who wanted to be a part of this project with me. That's when I decided that though I hope next time we meet there will be more people to bounce ideas off of (and delegate jobs to!), whether there is or not I've committed myself and if we're it, we're it! I am so thankful for the excitement of Glo (her name says it all!!) and how she has encouraged me in this endeavor.

I have learned fast that when YOU commit to do something YOU are committing to it, not everyone around you. You cannot blame them for not seeing your vision or carrying your burden. They have their own visions and their own burdens. If they join yours that's great, if not, that's more than ok too.

In light of this reality I have begun my first fund raising project within my grand $10 000 goal.

As I mentioned it has to do with jars. What I've done is collected 20 jars and will be labeling them with information about Compasio, their website and where the money from the jars will be going (the 2-3 motorcycles for them to go out and do first aid, feed the hungry, find orphaned babies in the dump - I'm not kidding!!). People have from when they get their jar until January 1st to collect as much money as they can, the minimum goal being $100. The person who has collected the most money over $100 will win a gift certificate of $100 to a place of their choosing!

I have just posted a note on facebook so I guess I'll see. I need to step back and NOT look at the response as I am admittedly fearful it will get completely ignored. As I said though, no one said this would be easy and for me to learn the most out of this experience I know it shouldn't be easy. I am decidedly looking forward to the challenge.

I MUST mention the amazing encouragement I've already received while pursuing this goal. I posted the link to my 'Seeds of Promise Campaign' and 3 people had donated $130!! Last night I checked again and see that another person has donated $50!!

The frustrating part is I don't have access to know who has given - however in the same light I am sort of glad. It ultimately doesn't matter who gave what - it's that they heard a message and were willing to help.

Not everyone can necessarily give money. I can't really give Compasio $10 000. Well, I could but I might need to find a new place to live. I CAN help spread the word about the work that they do and the children's lives they literally save everyday.

Maybe you can't give $100 but maybe you could get a jar and let me know so I can send you a label and we together can changes some lives. Better yet, let's save them!

P.S. I realize I myself can't raise $10 000. But I know the One who has placed this in my heart can give me what I need to make it happen. He's pretty cool that way.

If you gave: Thank you
If you are grabbing a jar: Thank you
If you are cheering me on quietly: Thank you
If you are a part of something other than this to give back: Thank you
If you are reading: Thank you

A million times: Thank you

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Stressful Passion

Those two words don't seem to match very well but I'd say they are pretty accurate descriptions of what my husband is complaining I am lately.

He actually said to me the other day 'You're zest for life is stressing me out!'. I think he began to recognize it more when I proposed me working probably stresses him out. After he thought on it for a while he found the stress coming from somewhere else... oops.

Is it still passion if it's stressful or should it really have another description? Who knows? I have just really learned that my pursuit of balance got sorely lost somewhere on my trail blaze and my true believe system along with it.

A few months ago I sat ready to give up the monetary benefits of working full full-time and rest in the knowledge of the bigger, deeper benefits of living from peace and genuine choice about each action I make and how it will benefit those around me as well as myself.

I now feel just as caught up in life as I did before and as a result missing out on a feeling of satisfaction and presence that I long to have. It's easy for me to defend my current state and say 'Working 30 hrs a week doesn't really make a difference in my life - I'm the same as when I work 35 or 40'. But in reality I think I know the truth.

A truth that mocks and teases my ability to do a great job working full time at one job. The job I sold my house to go back to school to do. That fact is what keeps staring me in the face and making me question any thoughts of wisdom over doing what's expecting of me.

It's the comments from others, the self scrutiny, and all that trails behind that prevents me from feeling justified in doing what I know in my heart would benefit all and bring growth and truth.

I care too much about what others think.

I care too much about what I think.

Yet by doing so I am clearly NOT caring about what can make a huge difference. I am caring about the superficial, not what is real.

Hmmmm .... when I put it that way I am very embarrassed.

My whole pursuit in life is to be a real, honest person and to help others be the same way. Why is cutting a few hours of something that is clearly unhealthy for me so difficult?!

Today I don't have an answer but if you have one please share.

Passion for life is awesome and I'm glad I have a little spark but I fear that if I keep pairing it with the description of 'stress' it will be snuffed out while I'm not looking. That would simply be sad.

What would you do?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sand Specks

I had brilliant thoughts this morning as I was walking the dogs. When I came in I thought 'Go blog now so you can get them out!' Why would I ever listen to myself?

Instead I proceeded to get dressed and ready, gather change for parking, print out an e-mail for work, check and respond to more e-mail from work, facebook, order something on Amazon (but not really because I don't have our info, so it's still waiting), and now I'm here and can't completely remember my brilliance.


Give me a sec.

One thought keeps coming back to nag be through out my little journey a la body. The reminder that real, true change happens in little tiny molecules of adjustment (I'm using molecules as a metaphor though if you want to take it literally go ahead).

I keep hearing over and over from so many different people, in regards to weight loss and fitness, that they've 'tried everything', they are 'doing everything right', that 'nothing works'. To which I say 'I totally get what you are saying!!'

Because I've worked out with a trainer for 6 months, that by itself means I should be cellulite free right? I've eaten nearly clean for 3 months, hello with the sacrifices I've made I feel as though I should have modeling agencies knocking down my door to have me in a bikini front and centre of the next issue. I've tried to dedicate every choice to making the right one over the past 8 months or so.

The thing is I have been balanced for only a brief period of time with all of these things. I have struggled to make good choices, fought to keep up the work outs and rarely been squeaky clean with my intake. Because I haven't made all of these decisions perfectly all of the time should I give up? Because I don't have the outcome yet that I want should I forget it all and call it wrong? Because I'm not 'there yet' should I stop?

When I began my journey with everything months ago I made the decision to try the trainer and see where it lead. I had small goals and little desire to be anything more than improved. As I've gone along I have made one small choice after another. With each bad choice I've considered making it my first of an eternity of negative choices because I knew I wasn't being perfect so why try even to be 'good'? For some reason having the piece of cake seems to lead us down an 'I'm making a bad choice this gives me permission to make another 10 bad choices' road.

Recognizing this thought and a myriad of others I think is what has changed my inner dialogue so much. Now I will say it has by no means stopped me from making a string a bad choices once the first one was made but instead of 10 bad ones maybe one day it's only 7 and another only 5. Some days if I'm really doing well I by pass them altogether. However still even after all these months I am continuing to struggle my way through the mental game of what's ok and what's a ridiculous expectation to hold.

I don't really know why exactly I haven't given up yet. Maybe it's because I am not interested in a legalistic point of view and I know that it's not necessary with others things so why this? I got rid of this in my faith a few years ago and I have no interest adopting it back into my healthful lifestyle. My hope is to be real and honest to myself and others as to what real change consists of.

I know that if I'd achieved my goal in 6 months it would have been temporary and superficial. This is not at all something I ever want to be.

At the same time I have been challenged by so many people's thoughts, opinions and beliefs to 'settle' where I'm at in my fitness journey. I have been tempted over and over to take people up on their comfortable offers. However I can't. I just can't. And it has nothing to do with being a number (may I remind you I don't measure or weigh myself often at all right now and that's the way it should be.

I feel as though people give themselves an 'out' with so many things in life. Mine would be my fitness journey. People would tell me 'You look great! You can stop! You don't have to give up that!' Blah, Blah, Blah.

However they are missing the point for me. This is my challenge. My challenge to believe in the impossible. This is the impossible for me. To change how I see my self, how others see me (I am meaning those who have known me since the years of over weight and out of shapeness). To be what I would never ever in a trillion years believe I could be. That is what my journey is really about.

When I had my core gift done (I mentioned this months ago) I was shocked to find out that it related directly back to my most distraught moment as an overweight little girl, the moment I felt most alone and unaccepted. Your core gift is what life has broken out of you. I was sure it would have been something else because I was sure I was way past my years of teasing and believing I was less because of my image. I had no idea how real and deep that wound was.

We all have wounds. We all have 'the impossible' in our lives. My bet is that they are related but maybe they aren't always, I don't know.

I do know that I have been given a spark for figuring out this inner dialogue so many people struggle with when it comes to their bodies, but more over actually when it comes to doing anything in their lives. I have a drive to finish what I've started so I can help others do the same. 'Finish' in this case is a lifetime long event.

One piece of sand on the scale may seem to mean nothing. But when you add another and then another and keep going all of those little tiny pieces become effective in moving the scale in the right direction. It may take a while to get anything to move, and there may be times when you don't add a piece for quite sometime but no doubt they are doing something.

Don't doubt the effectiveness of the seemingly little decisions you make (bad or good). When you add them up they do something.

One way or another.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Little Message

I want to write.

I want to share more stories with you. Not my complaints anymore but my learnings. I want to share and learn myself. I want to reflect.

Why does it seem so difficult to find the time?

Why is it so hard to figure out what to give up and what to attend to?

Hmmmmm. I don't know really. Just that I have a couple of stories I'd love to share, some fun, some thoughtful.

Tonight I need to go to bed so instead I'll give you a list like the old days.

Recent stuff ...

I've been asked twice int he past 2 weeks why I'm not wearing my wedding rings. I stopped wearing them weeks ago because they started falling off after I lost weight. I get offended when people ask me why I don't wear rings. I don't know if this is good or bad. But it is how I feel when they ask. (By the way, I feel not one twinge of guilt for not wearing them, I love my husband).

I got my first speeding ticket Tuesday. Rather than feeling scared or fearful when the cop pulled me over my first thought was 'This will be a great story to tell'. Maybe I'll put it to paper (even though there's not a lot to it).

I learned today that the very slow walking person I support (who has no physical reason why she must walk at a turtle's pace), still walks as if her feet are glued to the ground even when it's pouring rain.

A family member and I have recently resolved a long standing offense. I have found the forgiveness shared has healed many a wounds and given me deeper joy and peace than I knew I could feel in that relationship. It's never too late.

I wondered at the stars this morning

I'm continuing to learn a lot. A LOT during my journey of getting fit and such. I am daily amazed at how never ending the trip is. I hope to share.

I used the treadmill at the gym for the first time the other day. Yes I've been at the gym for 9 months I have been terrified to go on in fear that my body would become imprinted in the wall at the back of the gym. I acquainted myself very well with the emergency stop button before I went to fast.

I have realized that my $10 000 goal is incredibly huge. Though I'm am admittedly a bit fearful I am also thankful that I made the goal bigger than myself. That way when I reach it I will be humbled and amazed at ... well several things.

I must go now and sleep.

Live. Please live. Full and strong. Real and bright. Love and laugh and feel joy.


Eva :)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

10 000 Seeds of Promise

This is my Campaign for Compasio Thailand!!!

It's finally underway and I am very excited!!!In the next week or two I plan on starting to meet with whomever I can find that is interested in helping me with fund raising for this amazing cause.

Here's a note that explains a bit more about what it's all about:

Since I was a teenager I’ve wanted to travel abroad and serve along side an organization that helps those in dire need, but as I grew older and attempted to ‘settle down’ I saw this dream as impossible. A couple of years go a friend of mine was sharing his recent experiences with Compasio Thailand working with at risk children. As I viewed the pictures from his trip my dreams were reignited and my heart strings were tugged. I saw the beautiful faces and hearts of the people he met and I was immediately reminded of what I had long since wanted to do.

This year I decided it was time to quit procrastinating and start investigating what it would take to visit Compasio Thailand and be a part of something beyond myself. My husband and I plan to take our first trip over land and sea to Thailand (actually to anywhere) in the spring of 2011. We are thrilled, nervous and curious to see what we will learn and how we will be changed by this experience.

Wally and I are paying for our trip to Thailand ourselves but as I was sharing our plans with people we were asked in what ways they could help. I decided that it would be a great challenge to fund raise the cost of our trip to go and designate it to a couple of projects Compasio had. After more deliberation and excitement the goal turned into something bigger …. I am now hoping to raise $10 000 for a few different projects for Compasio.

After learning about their most urgent needs my hope is to raise money for: 3 motorcycles - that will be used to go out and give health care and supply other needs to those on the streets, a band full of all sorts of instruments for both the staff and children being reached by Compasio to be uplifted and refreshed through music, and enough money to have one big fat party for the children and staff (complete with gifts) while we are visiting (I’m all about celebrating life!!). The rest of the money will go directly towards the greatest needs the organization has.

Please consider how you may want to be a part of this incredible organization and possibly even this project. Check out and see how you may be changed by what they are doing. If you are interested in being apart of my 10 000 Seeds of Promise Campaign (remember every seed counts!!!) go to the link on the left of this post and donate with a gift of your choosing and you will receive a tax receipt and help me keep track of how far we’ve come.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Fresh Starts

I'm back again after another mini hiatus.

I'm currently at the end of my week off that really turned out to be one of the least relaxing weeks I've had in a while but am glad to have at least had a break from work.

Much has been happening in the past week. Last Friday, after a rather interesting visit with a car salesman then further torture to a finance guy, Wally and I purchased a replacement car for Chuck (my old car who was smashed to death). We picked Winston up last night (he's my new to me car). I've decided to love Winston as if we were meant to be together forever. It's working out well so far.

Last Saturday, exactly 24 hrs after purchasing our car we then decided to purchase a house. (You know, we were bored). We had gone out 2 week prior looking at houses supposedly for 'fun' and ended up somehow putting ourselves in the position of moving during the most stressful time of the year - December!

Last night I finalized some stuff for the fund raising project I'm starting for Thailand with the head director fellow. I'm not sure yet if I've shared that I've changed my goal from $4000 to $10 000. I was telling a friend this morning I changed it because 10 000 seemed like a rounder number. She reminded me that 5000 is also a nice round number. I hadn't thought of that.

Essentially my holiday has been made up of talking and meeting with: 1 real estate agent, 1 mortgage 'specialist', 1 house inspector, 1 car salesman, 1 car finance person, 1 house/car insurance lady, 1 warranty person, 1 disability insurance lady, 1 car rental guy - oh wait there were two, and to spice things up a couple of old friends and one newer one. Needless to say I don't feel particularly rested but I am STARTING to feel more relaxed.

I have continued to struggle this month with sleeplessness (even on my 'holiday') and (I believe) in turn have struggled greatly, for the first time in my four months, eating clean.

I don't really want to share this failure with you. For a few reason: I'm not so sure it's failure but rather part of dealing with life without a trainer and with the realization this is a lifestyle and not going to be easy all of the time. I don't want to let anyone down, especially myself. In some ways I feel as though there's an imaginary switch somewhere that when it's turned on you are given all you need emotionally and mentally to do what you are supposed to do and at some point, perhaps during a few sleepless nights, gets turned off depleting you of the ability to follow through with your convictions about such things.

Whatever it is I know that it is not an excuse to hurl myself under a bus and give up my newly acquired lifestyle.

It woudl be easy to do in some ways because of all of the comments Wally and I have received regarding our new lifestyle. Over Thanksgiving we heard people ask about our 'diet' and stuff. It drives me crazy to hear that word because honestly I know it's not a diet. Diets don't work and though a person could approach clean eating like it's a diet (if so they will surely 'fall off' and quit eventually) that's not what the essence of it is. But then again a lot of different types of eating are like that.

I just get annoyed when we are treated like aliens and stuff when people hear that we've changed oru eating. We aren't so strict that we won't share in something considered 'unclean' (I'm chuckling to myself at the sounds of that). We just try to make the best choices we can when we're given them to make ourselves.

Anyways I sort of wonder if these attitudes have challenged my old habits into convincing me clean eating isn't a 'me' thing to do.

When I mentioned during a visit with some of my family that I was considering taking a fitness and nutrition course there were odd looks and questions. They could figure it out, especially for me to do.

As if I didn't have enough doubts about it on my own.

I remember being very scared to mention getting certified as a Personal Trainer and having a bikini goal someday during my PATH process. But all of my friends there were looking at me crazy like 'Why wouldn't you be a trainer? Why wouldn't you wear a bikini?' I was dumbfounded.

It's funny, I guess so much of who we are, what we do and who we allow ourselves to become CAN depend on who/what others believe we are. This can't be my excuse or reason to struggle but I believe it may at times contribute a wee bit.

Maybe now would be a good time to share a few of my PATH dreams with you...

* to buy a house (where I can have a vegetable garden, a yard for the dogs to play in, and a room for a home gym)

* to raise $10 000 for Compasio Thailand

* to eventually become a certified personal trainer so that I can possibly teach others what I`ve learned.

* to take a nutrition course

* to achieve a bikini body (not a slutty one, a fit one), and no I likely won`t go out in public with it on either

* to adopt childrens

I`m not sure of anything else, there could be more but those were the big ones. All things that hopefully will come to pass within the next 12 months.

I told Wally yesterday I thought that perhaps my goal for next year should be NOT to have any goals.

Sometimes I`m overzealous.

Well that`s it for now. Coming soon will be my link to my donation page for my Compasio project - YAY!!!!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Mind Cold

It's all a battle of the mind.

When it all comes down to it I believe this statement is true.

If your mind is healthy you have the potential to be healthy. If your mind is ill you have the potential to be ill, or you already are ill.

Over the past couple of weeks I feel like I have been battling a severe mind cold. You know, like a head cold only in my mind/spirit.

I find it amazing how if you keep your attitude right, your thoughts positive and your mind clear how much more you can do in life. In your everyday.

Lately I've allowed far too many things to clutter my heart, my mind and overwhelm me. This has seemed to have weaken my immune system (spiritually speaking) and has left me prone the the mind cold that travels all seasons of the year to anyone willing to let it in.

What makes you more susceptible? Not taking care of yourself. Not feeding yourself what you need to survive. Not recognizing when others who stand to close to you have a cold (and very willing to share). Not taking the proper precautions to stay clear of the invader that will make you sick. The worst of all: thinking you are above getting sick.

When did I feel it coming on? I would definitely say after my PATH was done. I am a goal oriented person who gets overly focused on things. I put the pressure on myself to preform at my highest potential, and often higher than my potential. I can be my worst enemy in this area. It prevents me from accepting when I do well because if the well that I do is not the well that I set myself up to do then I only focus on where I have failed. Not such an entirely healthy approach - this is yet another thing I am working on and my fitness journey is helping me with.

In my PATH are several dreams, things that I would like to do this year coming up. They are not things I HAVE to do but things I want to do. They are not things I even have to do this year, but as you know, I know the value of a deadline and I like deadlines because you never know when your own is up.

Anyhoo, I began the following day and week to tackle a few things on my new 'List' and some went ok, some were more challenging but I had begun to make some headway.

In the meantime I stopped sleeping much and got wound up and overly excited. I get excited about my dreams. I'm weird like that. The adrenaline pumps at the most annoying times. Thus turning me into what I consider a crazy woman.

Crazy Woman is not too concerned with diet, exercise, moderately attaining goals, being rational or anything else that is even keel and healthy. Life seemed to snowball and the other night while Wally and I were house hunting with our real estate agent we got rear-ended pretty bad, putting chuck (my car) in the garage, hopefully to get resuscitated and not laid to rest. We were both sore but ok.

In fact ten minutes after it happened after I'd stayed in the driver's seat quietly in shock (Wally also didn't want me out looking at my injured Chuck) I popped my head out the window and asked our agent if we could still look at more houses (as we had only seen 2 of the 7 that night). He said 'We can do anything you want to my dear.' (See what I mean about being overly focused?)

I didn't stop the following couple of days as I worked. Then Sunday evening when I got home I got an e-mail from a friend which seemed to shake me to the core. Even though I completely understood the circumstances around what she had to say and why, it still shook my core and didn't mix well with the rather fragile Crazy Woman that existed at the time.

I grieved and tried to release the sadness of the previous couple of weeks. It's funny how feelings of grief and despair can visit when life does not seem to warrant these feelings. For some reason though, these are what surrounded me and I had to figure out what to do with these unwelcome visitors.

When you are in their company it's so easy to make the choice to get to know them better. It's easy to think that you should be a good host and let them get comfortable on your couch. I've always been taught to be a good host to those who walk through my door. To offer up what they need, to ask what I can do for them, to feed them cake and relax along side of them.

In some ways I think I almost had to do this for a few moments, in hopes of recognizing who was on my doorstep so I knew whether or not they had anything good for me that I needed. I worried that if I asked them to leave I would end up alone, which seemed far worse at the time than keeping company with Grief and Despair. I thought briefly that maybe I could make them into what I needed. Surely they could change right?

I have quickly learned that Grief and Despair are what they say they are: Grief and Despair. And that they are not compatible with Hope and Joy, those were the friends I really wanted to have over to stay, but I thought for some reason they didn't want to be around me anymore because I was too much for them. Too head strong.

I have learned that I have a choice about the company I keep. This choice is made with my mind and the healthier my mind is kept the healthier choices I will make.

Initially when the snowball of ill events began I put myself in the middle of the snowball and let it roll me down the hill and get worse and worse. This got me sick. (hello, anyone would in the middle of a snowball).

This made me think that with all of the people and events around me I couldn't go after my dreams, I couldn't complete my goals. I have realized that events and people don't determine my success (whether they are good influences or negative, supportive or unsupportive). I am the one who makes the choice and I can't allow Life to carry me away, to make me sick or choose my company. I can do that all on my own.

With that being said, I am feeling much better today. And I am so thankful for it.

I am also especially thankful for each of my 'PATH' supporters whom I know will keep me accountable and be excited to see my dreams come true as if they were their very own.

Thank you :)