Friday, February 5, 2010


That's what I feel like I'm trying to do.

In so many ways. In the realm of work - starting a new career (or field of work). In life, figuring out what to do next in this 'stage' of things. In my marriage, getting used to a new 'normal' with our new jobs, new potential church (after not being a part for one years). In my continuing pursuit for health as I ... mature :)

I honestly had no idea that coming out of school would be such an adjustment. Really, who knew?

Today I woke up and realized I actually would get most of the day time to myself before heading off to work at 4pm. I was excited. That soon fizzled out after I had gotten caught up going through papers and files trying to 'organize' myself but then quickly realizing (as I was running the water for my shower) that they were shutting off the hot water at 9am. It was 9:30am. Rats!

Of course this happened after I also realized that the stew I had eaten for super last night was indeed the culprit for Wally's violently ill spell earlier in the week. (The one in which he called me at 5am at work while I was doing a 10 hour night awake shift, telling me I had to come home that instant to take him to the hospital. Clearly I could not just leave 3 men who could not be left unsupervised to do this at the drop of a hat. I called tele-health instead, waited on hold for 15 minutes and learned no more than I knew before).

I wasn't ill like Wally because as I always say "I have guts of steel". (Although he lost like 7 1/2 pounds, sometimes I wish I weren't so steely).

I then had to 'rinse' my head in cold water in the kitchen sink, not fun however as I write this a wee bit of perspective makes it's way into my mind and reminds me that I'm lucky that hot water is my norm).

There was something else but I can't remember so I'll move on...

I sat down and watched the Osbornes (Ozzy, Sharon and the kids) on tv and remembered how much I loved them. Yes it's true ... and odd.

Wally and I started watching their show years ago when it was on and initially I was completely offended. Necessity being the mother of invention though (we had no cable and were at a point in our lives where Christian stuff was smothering us while our loved ones kept dying off). Leaving us to make company with an unlikely match.

Anyways seeing them today reminded me of hope for change and how particularly attractive people are when they are completely honest about themselves, especially if they can laugh too.

After Ellen was over I treated myself to a trip to Chapters to peruse the Religion section in hopes of finding a book recommended to me by my potential priest friend. He is someone that I banter with back and forth every so often on facebook and rather enjoy interesting conversation with. He puts up with my many questions about his conversion to the Catholic faith (from Protestantism), while still participating in a Protestant church.

Anyhoo, I looked to no avail and came to the conclusion I should have ordered it in the first place online. While I was there though I met several potential friends.

I got to know many very briefly but to be honest the cost of taking them all home was much too high. I ended up leaving with nothing in my hand but the thought that they would be there again and that the library holds many potential companions for no cost at all.

The topic of conversation with my friend as of late have been questions I've had about the expected 'quiet' or 'devotional' time we Christians are to have. This I admittedly used to be completely relationally religious about. I was a 'star' pupil and could teach anyone the benefits and necessities of completing a daily routine of worship, prayer and study.

I was so engrossed in my routine that when I met Wally and got married I could not seem to figure out how to incorporate my personal 'quiet time' with that of another in a married context. It overwhelmed me and guilted me for years. Until the time came when all practices 'Christian' seemed empty and meaningless, because the majority of those around us seemed that way.

By no means did we abandon our faith, in fact quite the opposite. But we struggled to find what our changing views were supposed to look like in a very stationary circle of Christ followers. Thus leaving us to abandon our rituals and routines completely.

Now that I am beginning once again to search out what my daily time with my Creator (I'm not trying to sound New Agey, just get sick of using 'God' all of the time)looks like. I thought I would ask my devote friend, who is experienced in different (obviously quite different) practices than my own.

Through the past few years of change I have truly begun to appreciate the diversity of others' thoughts and views on things. I have learned to be able to take time to hear them and get something out of their perspectives, something I never knew how to do before. I used to hear the word New Age and shut someone out. I heard Catholic and would have the urge to pray for their salvation. Now I don't. I don't feel the need to. I instead feel the need to listen and learn. They have different experiences in life than I. Things I can learn from.

So now as I go back to the roots of my faith and decide to open myself up to finding out more about a different angle to it I feel the need to explore.

I would like to rediscover what it is like to love God again. (Not that I haven't' been loving Him now, but perhaps being more aware of new ways I can love Him). I want to remember what it's like to feel connected to Him.

I believe it will be interesting and hopefully eye opening. Christianity is not supposed to be a one time thing. It's not supposed to be an event where it happens and your in - at least not in my opinion.

I'm not saying you 'earn' your way to heaven or anything, but I think it is an ongoing journey of growth and refinement as we open ourselves up to be shaped by God.

My hope is to be refreshed and reintroduced to the beautiful faith that has grounded me and provided for me through out this crazy life. I am so thankful for the loving God I serve.

He is ... my Papa.