Sunday, June 20, 2010

Vacation - ing and more change

So clearly I haven't decided to give the blog up ... at least not right now. As I first suspected, I do believe that I over reacted. I am now working on a couple of apologies. Not for my feelings experienced in my reaction (I don't know that anyone should ever have to apologize for their feelings about anything), but rather the free way in which I spewed them out in a couple of e-mails after the hurt I felt (that by the way I know wasn't an intended hurt by anyone).

I know that I should've waited to respond to a couple of harmless questions but you know, I didn't, and well I knew as I typed that I'd likely calm down eventually and be able to rationally answer. Unfortunately I decided to rationally yet very passionately respond with exactly how I felt in that moment. I could've waited and responded without emotion. I probably should have waited and responded without emotion but I didn't and now I have to set things right.

I seem to get lots of practice apologizing as I generally speak first and think later. I don't generally apologize for what I say but more how it comes out. Life is a great teacher.

I don't know about you but I'm ready to move on...

Soooooo .... it's my vacation!!!!

The first thing I decided to do was get 'unplugged'. I knew this would be a huge challenge but decided that I wanted the most out of my time off as I could get. Clearly I am cheating a wee bit as I am blogging throughout my holiday but that's about it. I am completely off of facebook (however today's my bro's b-day and I may just need to send him a birthday wish as he asked not to be called - he's a truck driver on the road). I am going no where near my work e-mail (WOO FRIGGIN' HOO!!!!). Wally checks my e-mail account simply to let me know if any friends have contacted me about any outings. It's amazing how just hearing from him and NOT going on myself lowers the stress - it's great!!! Oh and I also turned my answering machine off - best thing ever.

So this blog is the only thing connecting me to the outside world (well, or if I look up a recipe online or something).

I actually told Wally that I was thinking about giving up going on facebook regularly but it's kinda hard as it is such a connection with friends like making plans and stuff. I find too that I'm not sure I could be on and just check mail, it get's so addicting and time consuming it's kind of ridiculous. And of course if anyone knows me on facebook, they would know I LOVE updating my status'.

I can definitely say after a weekend without internet or phone messages, I feel on vacation. My stresses are diminished, I don't have to worry about getting back to anyone or anyone 'finding' me, I love it! If only I could get rid of all of it on a regular basis, however I believe I would then be called a recluse.

In other developments ...

Last Monday I was working out with Dee and having some discussion with him about eating and I was asking more questions. I then I was complaining that my menu choices weren't enough. After spending the last 3 1/2 months eating egg whites, chicken breasts, spinach and raw veggies (and more recently choking down turkey pepperettes, which I can barely stand, and melba toast, which is a highlight compared to the turkey thingies), I didn't really believe I could make this a lifestyle for, well, life.

I asked 'Do you really think I'm going to feed my kids chicken and spinach for lunch everyday?' 'What am I going to do Dee?'

Of course he asked 'Why not?' and told me about how his daughter was raised with all of these healthy foods and she now chose to eat triscuits over chips and a wrap over pizza, while I sat there giving him a 'yeah right' look of disbelief. Although deep down I knew it was true and he was right.

He immediately took my workout book and wrote a title of a recipe book down and handed it back to me. He said 'Go get this book and try it out'.

I read the title and withheld an embarrassing chuckle.

I looked at him and said 'I think I own that book actually'. Though I've never once tried cooking anything out of it.

He sighed and later during my workout finally replied: 'It's just like you to have the answer sitting right in front of you the whole time'. He shook his head as if he didn't want to believe we were still having these conversations.

As you can guess I went home and read through the recommended recipe book all about eating clean. I got it from an aunt whom I am very close with, for my 30th birthday BECAUSE I was making this new lifestyle change ... yeah I never said I was perfect.

Well I decided that if I were to use this material I had a lot of learning to do. Learning how to cook all new foods and learning how to find at least 65% of the ingredients, which I had never heard of before, listed in the recipes. Really I had a decision to make ... did I want to really try and basically relearn how to cook when I feel like I can barely keep up the simple staples of healthy eating while I'm on the run, or will I just limp through the next several weeks of my training to get some half-assed (ha ha) results and then give it all up when the timer tells me I'm allowed to go back to what I know?

You've gotta know that the old me wants to run like heck towards what I know, which will inevitably land me back to where I started probably within a year; addicted to my cookies and living for my next opportunity to 'cheat'.

I tired of 'cheating'. I'm tired of knowing I could do better and not doing better. I am sick of being bloated after a binge and being envious of those who truly know how to eat clean and do it. I want to be on the 'inside' not on the outside always wishing.

Ironically since Dee recommended this book last Monday I have 'cheated' and struggled more than since before I began this adventure. I sort of loosened up my rules and enjoyed a few extra treats. Too many extra treats. I am pretty sure I know why this is ...

Wally and I talked about it and I have been doing more research into this 'clean eating' thing and decided, just as getting a personal trainer was a sort of last ditch effort to gain fitness, embracing this clean eating thing would be a chance for us to over turn yet another stone in our search for a healthier life. We agreed together to give this new way of life a serious try. Seeing as 80% of results are earned through what you eat Wally was convinced that this was a smart move. How could it hurt?

When I wondered out loud to Wally tonight why I ate so bad during the past 4 days (which incidentally would not even have been considered bad at all compared to how we ate in the past), he stated 'Well since Dee mentioned that book and you started considering changing our cooking permanently you probably started thinking about getting in some 'last time' treats'. I think he's right on.

We made the decision firmly today yet began yesterday our quest to try to find some necessary ingredients to help us eat 'clean'. (By the way, I have been eating VERY well the past three months but it's been more of a strict basic menu plan for weight lose and I haven't made the effort to learn how to live this way permanently).

We spent ... a lot of money ... in the past two days on grocery items we never heard of before this, let alone knew what they were. I thought wheat berries were actual fruit, and coconut butter actual butter. I didn't know there could be so many types of 'flakes' or 'flours'. Or that Kefir was not a grain but a refrigerated product.

I am learning a lot.

I have decided to set yet another goal in my fitness journey. This one less to do with numbers and more to do with actions (that will inevitably help with the numbers).

I plan to do my best (as obviously the world around me still turns the way it always does and I will just have to do my best to move with it) to eat 'clean' until my 31st birthday which is February 18th 2011. At which time I have no doubt I will continue on, and in actuality I have no plans on quitting my clean eating. The reason I want to place the date, and specifically that date, is because I feel that that is a measurable amount of time to see how clean eating could really affect and improve our bodies. And that date is the end of celebrating being 30 years old. What a great way to spend my 30th birthday year (yes I know I'm technically in my 31st year but you know what I mean!). The first half learning how to move and physically push my body and the last half learning how to feed my body.

Getting a trainer was a big step for me. Getting physically fit in the way that I have and am, has also been a big step for me. BUT, changing what I know about what goes into my body (I'm really trying to educate myself about the whys and hows and clean eating), would be .... incredible really.

I love exercising, I always have (I won't lie, dying with Dee is a little different) so that hasn't been that much of a challenge to do, however changing my eating has. I've risen to the first challenge of a fairly strict menu for the current term, but now I'm ready for the next step that will hopefully take me into the rest of my life.

The cool part is that I get to do it with everyone watching.

The uncool part is that I get to do it with everyone watching.

I'm sure I'll have an interesting post or two while doing this. You know, seeing as I was ready to put wheat berries in my yogurt.

We'll just have to see.

P.S. Posts on 'The List' are on their way!