Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Fears of Fraudulance

I'm torn about what to write about. Do I share what's weighing on my heart or do some housekeeping?

Well since this is a personal blog and not the end of the year books for the tax guy I think I'll go with what's been on my heart...

I've shared many a times about my desire to be a mother, the long waiting period it is seeming to take to get there, our 'we didn't try but we didn't not try stage, our desire to adopt and my inward struggle to be totally fine with every possibility and how long it takes to get where ever.

While Wally and I detoured our lives towards school in hopes of making them better for any future people living in our home I found it really easy to be satisfied with not being a mom, not sharing the most exciting news anyone wants to here, and not even considering much when such news should be shared. Now that it has been a year since school has finished, we are both working, just bought a house and now the 'hmmmm when's a good time to get this kid thing on the go?' question is popping up.

Of course right now we are also in the middle of planning our trip to Thailand to work with Compasio (really probably just be more in the way of Compasio), and raising the $10 000 I committed a few months ago to raise, we do have one distraction.

However my time of naturally accepting 'whatever life gives us' in the realm of a family is, I'm noticing, seeming to be coming to an end. How do I know?

Exhibit #1: A co-worker and I were working together to advocate for someone we both support to go on a trip and she begins using phrases such as 'If I'm pregnant then I'll just volunteer to go on the trip with her', and 'Um yeah, don't tell anyone but I am pregnant!', following by the official announcement (which is of course made on facebook).

During that time I receive only twinges of 'Oh wow, you're pregnant. Hmmmm, we're the same age. You already have one kid. You JUST got married. I don't have any and I've been married for almost 10 years. But that's great for you, congratulations.' (I am secretly lying a little but trying to believe I'm above lying). At one point she also said 'if I can't go on the trip next Dec (because of the new baby) will you go?' Because of course I won't have any...)

Exhibit #2: A girl that I mentored a bit years ago, whom always seemed waaaaay younger than I has a baby and is sharing the facebook love about the baby often. The baby is beautiful and perfect.

I have began to consider 'hiding' this person ONLY because of my own selfish 'I want a little person to love and for my life to seem perfect!' notions. And it seems a tad torturous to here about hers. Even though I SHOULD be overjoyed for her as she is an incredibly lovely girl and no doubt great wife and mommy.

Exhibit #3: My cousin (who again is younger than I and married for less years - yeah I don't know why this part matters but apparently in my head there are invisible rules), and his wife are expecting a baby any day. Finally, after seven years and 'Eva and Wally being married for 10 childless years', another great grand baby is on it's way. My cousin is a very excited and proud first time daddy (if I wasn't holding a stick up my butt I'd likely think this was rather endearing, seeing as the stick is clearly lodged where it shouldn't be I am ridiculously annoyed by all of it).

His wife experienced a lot of sickness in the first few months and openly complained about wanting the pregnancy to be over. I openly reminded her how lucky she was to be able to feeling EVERYTHING that it meant to be pregnant (Can't say it was hard for me to say seeing as I was not the one puking my guts out).

I could go further on about the jealously I sadly hold over these two as they've been married the perfect amount of time to have a child (5 yrs), they have a lovely home that is paid for (thanks to my aunt's passing and my uncle's incredible generosity), they've gone on probably 10 cruises in their relatively short marriage (showing they realize the sacrifice children will bring - ok so that's what I tell my self), and they both have their dream jobs that incidentally bring in substantial bread to eat (like raisin, pizza, whole grain, etc.). Perfect.

Needless to say this has been my biggest challenge to get over within myself. I swear every time I think of them and their life I turn into this horrible jealous monster. I'm really glad there aren't mirrors for the spiritual world - I'd be so ugly.

In conclusion, my evidence clearly shows that I am officially faking being satisfied with not fulfilling my longtime 'calling' of being a mom. I am starting to feel as though I would fit right in on an infertility blog (something which I don't like - no offense to infertility blog writers or readers but SOME of those blogs become pity parties rather than 'ok so let's make a plan of attack and take more joy out of it than I could have ever out of what I thought I wanted'). No doubt I'm running from the thing I dislike within myself the most. Shockingly I'm very far from perfection (I know, I hope you didn't fall off of your chair).

Sooooooooo, now what?

Well I'll be honest. Wally and I are both a little nervous to become pregnant before traveling abroad to a place so foreign and so not Canada. Who knows maybe the very first shot out of the gun would be a perfect target. So we've decided to begin the long arduous steps of the adoption process.

It's funny I don't feel old enough, responsible enough, rich enough, good enough or ready enough to make that phone call. I will admit that I fear the Social Worker will talk us out of it, or into more than we can handle. I fear we will get closer and realize everyone's belief's are true and the children from the system are 'too damaged' for us to handle. I fear the additional negative comments that we will get regarding adoption that doesn't include an infant. I fear making the announcement that we are parents only to see the disappointment that the child isn't genetically 'ours'.

I think though what I fear most is that I will get pregnant in the middle of the adoption path and realize I've been faking my desire to adopt the whole time in efforts to cope and that I am indeed a complete fraud.

However, despite my fears, despite my unreadiness in many ways, I know it's time to at least begin to take steps in some kind of direction and see where we go.

I think I may be blogging more this year ...