Friday, April 30, 2010

Random NOT party stuff.

Things I've noticed lately...

* I want to go out for beer with my trainer because I think we could be great friends. However I think it'd have to be protein shakes as he doesn't really drink much, and well he definitely wouldn't let me have beer.

* I have become reliant on my cell phone in a way that I always found annoying in other people

* The 'post-party blues' are beginning to pass as time does

* I realized the other day I have no idea what it's like to have weekends like normal people. I definitely took them for granted before.

* So many aspects of my job make me smile big on the outside and even bigger on the inside - I love it!

* My job isn't really a job ... it's so much more (not being conceited ... you get it)

* I don't remember the last time I ordered french fries in a restaurant and I'm ok with that.

* I have an all time favourite photo from my party and so badly want to post it here but can't :(

* I've actually considered lately no longer being anonymous in my blog world (but then again for the most part it isn't anyway)

* I got to hear Wally be inside out excited to hear that we'll be hanging out together tonight - that was cool.

* We've been out of Peanut Butter Cup protein shakes for over a month and Dee gave me one at the gym for free today and I totally had a protein shake-gasm. mmmmmmmm

* I canoodled with a cat this morning. And liked it. The only time I considered getting a cat was when I thought it might be a fun toy for our dogs.

* My three favourite sayings are: 'I'm so hungry', 'I'm so tired', 'I'm so full'. If I am any of these three things you will hear about it several hundred times.

* I was reminded today that some friends are really given to us only for seasons. It made me a little sad.

* I think sitting in perfectly tempered sunshine is like a hug from God.

* Dee and I may actually be working on turning my body into a bikini clad creation. He's quite positive, I'm not so sure yet. (We renewed our sessions and are glad about it).

* Having money now is weird. But we aren't going to argue with it. We share.

* Even though I come off as unhuggable, some days I just want a big fat bear hug from someone who loves me.

* I really want to get 'disconnected' from technology but am afraid I will become 'disconnected' from people. I want to find a balance.

* I actually booked off 1 1/2 weeks from work (MIRACULOUS FOR ME!!!). I'm thinking about a retreat for myself.

* I realized I LOVE connecting with people any way I can. I love talking with them for real, I love 'for real' e-mails, I love making new unexpected friends. I wish I didn't feel so guilty being forward with strangers.

* I miss being loved by kids. There's really nothing like it.

* I'm tired.

* I'm hungry.

I better go ...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Actual Party

Now onto the actual event...

Needless to say I got no sleep the night before the party. Probably for two reasons: I was so excited that Zoe was here for my party and I had a double chocolate chip frappuccino while at Starbucks.

When Wally and I got up I was exhausted. However the show went on. I got ready and went on my way to pick up Pumpkin (who had kindly agreed to do creative things with the fruits, veggies and made incredible cookies!!) to get groceries for the party. We went and were very successful in picking up what we needed at not horrific prices.

I dropped everything off (including Pumpkin - my sister in law) at the hall and I went to get my hair and make up done. After a quiet time at the hair dressers I got transformed into a movie star (well a slightly chubby movie star). Then I went to my parents to grab food and wait. It was weird to just wait but I did until I couldn't wait any longer and off I went back to the neighbouring town the party was in and picked up a necklace (cheap) to wear and got a boutonniere for Wally (because he was too cheap to get a new shirt). I got the key from Pumpkin and arrived at the hall to try and do something.

At that point all the little oldies were leaving from their card match and I started bout five different jobs without completing any of them. Wally and a friend of his in tow soon arrived.

In no time my miracle friend and Zoe came and did their magic along with my amazing decorator friend a whirl wind of creativity happened. Within 2 hours our hall was transformed into the perfect party setting, details and all. I was in awe. Complete awe.

We all got dressed (you know, cause we were nude) and waited for our guests to arrive. Not long before 7pm they started coming through the doors. I think after the first few came in the rest was a blur. An hour into it there were more people than I could possibly keep up with. In total we had over 112 people there.

As they took seats there was a buzz in the air. Conversations happening, people reconnecting, flashes of pictures being taken. I tried my best to connect with each person there but it was merely impossible. I'd have people come up to me and begin conversations only to be interrupted by another person who'd walked in the door. I found that some people would start into every day conversations with me about a broken down car, or some other event, or so and so in the hospital. Not exactly what I was expecting.

I'm not sure what I was expecting. Perhaps meaningful conversation right off the hop like 'I love you so much.' 'You mean something to me too.' 'Life really is a gift'. I don't know, something touching I guess. Don't get me wrong I did have a few say thank you for having the party (but let's be honest, they're getting a free buffet and night out, why wouldn't they say that). This just goes to show you how self centred we are (ok maybe just I am) when giving to others sometimes. I guess I just wanted affirmation on things, maybe even confirmation.

Anyhoo. A little after 8pm I made the big announcement everyone was waiting impatiently for. (Can I just say I've never been asked so many times if I was pregnant before in one stretch of time). I said my speech. The speech. I finally told everyone why they were here. Why we were all here. I expressed our gratitude for the people that were sitting in front of us. How much we loved them and how deeply they had changed our lives even if they were present for a short season in our lives. I almost cracked and broke down but I held it together and got through. I don't remember all I said just that Wally approved and sincerely felt I did well and covered all the bases (that's a huge compliment as he is the hardest on me and my speaking skills).

So after the seriousness we had a few fun games (including the newlywed game with our parents - it was pretty fun!) then we left people to mingle, eat and enjoy some dancin'.

I got out there and gave my legs a good workout during the dance. Was thankful for Wally's younger cousin who came (I'd guess she's maybe 12) who knew all the words to every song with accompanying moves. The music wasn't all that great but we coped. I enjoyed dancin' with my family, friends and especially my home church people that I haven't seen for a while.

I continued to see new faces that I'd forgotten would be there, get pictures taken and give a hug or two. But I have to be completely honest. Overall my party was one of the loneliest experiences I've had. There were so many people and only one me. I couldn't really connect with anyone the way I love connecting.

Now, just because I am saying that I was or felt lonely doesn't mean I didn't have a good time. I did. It also doesn't mean I regret having the party, I don't for a second. I guess I just learned how much I really get out of just simple connections.

My biggest hope out of all this I think will be realized more as time goes on. Memories do seem to get better with time - they already have in this case. I received a beautiful e-mail from my uncle's wife (he was married to my aunt that passed) and she said everything that I really wanted to hear. She seemed to 'get it'. That is what I wanted out of all of this. Someone to 'get' that life is short. to get that life is special. To understand how important it is to share your love for those around you while you have them.

That sort of brings me back to how I started my last post. I was talking with Smoky Mama on the phone earlier and she mentioned that Pumpkin couldn't figure out why I hadn't invited someone whom held a very influential role in my life early on. She apparently was a bit ticked off about it (as this person did definitely play a significant role at one point).

After thinking about it and being irritated that someone could possibly feel as if they could judge me on who I feel I wanted to be a part of my 'Celebrate Life' Party. I pondered. Was I a bitter human being? (More in regards to this person) No, not really. We parted, it was awkward. We did our best to make it the best parting it could be and considering the circumstances I think we both did as well as we could. Was I trying to hurt this person? No, I never see them really, it honestly never occurred to me that they would know anything about it (although that seems naive since we all come from Smallville).

Honestly I didn't feel it necessary to invite someone who doesn't celebrate me now. Though Wally and I aren't close to every person that was at our party they were connected to us and in a way we still feel connected to them, whether we drifted apart or life just took over. My significant former friend (whom I honestly wish well) and I did not drift at all we severed our friendship, with good intentions I think. Knowing that it was better for all involved (or at least Wally and I knew this) that we not pursue a close friendship any longer.

We wanted our party to be a celebration - period. Not obligatory invites and awkward moments. That's what our wedding was for.

So as I re-ponder who we included and who we didn't I feel no regret over those offered to come. We had the perfect people in attendance. People that love and accept us and were there for us when others turned their backs and didn't understand. Not every significant person in your life does that. Some unexpected seemingly insignificant people do.

When I think about it I guess that's what we really wanted to do ... throw a party for no significant reason at all, yet for every significant reason there could possibly be.

Well intended or not we did it. We're glad and we are truly grateful for all sorts of people who have come and gone through our lives whether they were at our celebration or not.

Do me favour: next time you see a party balloon, celebrate someone you know you deserves to be celebrated. You are the only one that can.


The Pre - Party...

The party. The party. The party.

Where do I even start?

Well I could start with the conversation I just had with my mother in law about someone's opinion on who I did not invite to the party.


Or I could skip that garbage and just tell you what I'm feeling. I'll do that.

I sit in my living room now surrounded by remnants of a party bomb that went off upon our arrival home Sunday afternoon. My sparkly perfect party shoes are sitting on the coffee table - not sure why. Along with an opened bag of rice cakes, a dirty dish and my cell phone. Close by on the floor lies two check books, my contacts, contact juice, deodorant and scissors. An even larger heap of stray items lies a few feet away. A bag of apples, my party dress, necklace from that night, a serving platter, gym pants, dirty clothes and groceries I was too lazy to put away yesterday (more rice cakes, raw veggies and protein powder).

Essentially I am amidst a mess of my life which is what I feel like I have to work through before getting my thoughts out - however I will do my best.

The party...

The weeks leading up to it were chaotic and busy. Every spare minute filled with details, details, details. Phone calls, e-mails, confirmations and lots of bank transactions.

About two weeks before I had a serious melt down wondering if I was doing the right thing, wondering if my excitement for life had gotten completely out of control and insane. Well to be honest, it probably had but luckily I was surrounded by great friends who banded together to help me get everything done. One friend in particular made the difference.

I received an e-mail form someone I actually met on this blog. She sent the perfect e-mail offering all of her help, it didn't take me long to take her up on it. She was amazing and did more than I could have even imagined. She made all of the little details (like putting special quotes up on the walls, doing scrapbook pages and mounting photos on the wall) happen. I was astounded. She was making my dream party come true. Thank you to her (you know who you are!!!)

The cool part was she wasn't my closest friend, not someone that was there from the beginning of the planning, she was someone who was just really watching. Through our evenings together prepping I really found a true friend and that's been one of the best gifts I've been given during this event. I know she has no idea how much this had meant to me.

So ... anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that one of my closest friends was not able to make it due to a prior engagement that was very important as well. I blogged about my feelings and definitely was in a placement of understanding (though to be honest was disappointed a bit in the circumstances).

Early last week Wally asked me not to plan anything for the Friday evening before the party. At first I told him there would be stuff to do then as my miracle friend came along I no longer had to worry about it. I came home from work Friday and fell asleep on the couch waiting for him to come home. Once he was there he was very vague about what was going on. I asked him about food and what to do and he wouldn't give me a definite answer. I was hungry too (it was after 6pm). I asked him if I'd need to change and he said no (would never believe that next time). He told me I had time to have a nap. I told him I did not have time for a nap as I was hungry. He insisted and I laid down (for a second) then told him I was going to change).

Anyways after about an hour there was a phone call and Wally left and said he had to get something in the lobby. I asked no questions and secretly wondered if I was getting a surprise birthday party (30 is a respectable number!). I decided to begin ironing my pants. You know, cause that's what you do when you have time to kill.

The next thing I know I here the apartment door open and quiet footsteps. I look at the bedroom door behind me and see my close far away friend standing in the doorway. At this point I was standing with a hot iron in my hand screaming. I was in complete shock.

I immediately thought of my friend's prior commitment and left bad that she gave it up for me. I honestly did not feel deserving of such a sacrifice. I stood speechless in shock for a few minutes and still didn't really understand what was happening. Wally and Zoe stood together with smiles as I wanted to cry. They informed me that Zoe and I were going out - just the two of us!!! I didn't get it. You see Zoe and I have been friends since high school. She was the Maid of Honour in my wedding, I played for hers but we had never gone out on a girls night before as adults. She got married and moved far away and had babies making outings impossible. I spend a morning with her when I visited once (just the two of us) for brunch and parasialing but that was it. To be honest I had know idea if we'd have fun just the two of us (ok I knew we would but we'd never done it).

The rest of the night was pretty much a blur, I was in shock the entire time. Zoe was chatting and carrying on with conversations we'd had on the phone filling me in on her life, I in on mine but the whole time I was almost out of my body. We had a yummy dinner out (with girly drinks) and then starbucks drinks (I'm sure I drank a days' worth of calories just in that evening!). We talked and talked until we knew she had to go (as she had her 1 yr old daughter with her being looking after by her brother and sister in law).

You may be thinking 'Oh yeah, what's the big deal? She ditched her event for yours. Friends do that sometimes.' But for me it was so much more. You see Wally always gets after me about putting more into relationships than I get out. He will say 'You care too much for that person. They don't care about you the same way.' I often get disappointed when people don't respond or make me a priority (wow do I ever sound narcissistic?). This friend was someone Wally asked me to let go of in a sense. Not get rid of but to not rely on to have a close, relationship with expectations in the air. Do you know what I mean?

It wasn't that he didn't like her at all. It was that I was overly attached and disappointed when I wasn't being overly attached to. I did some soul searching and realized I had unhealthy and unrealistic expectations with Zoe. It was easy for me to visit since I had no kids, a flexible job and no other commitments. She has 2 small children, a husband who is a doctor, and many people who count on her. Still all I ever wanted was to be important enough to her to make the trip just for me. What an incredibly selfish thing. As I posted before in my head I completely understood. Completely. In heart a different story played on.

I am still processing the fact that one of my dearest friends made some serious sacrifices for me. She reciprocated her love for me. She loves me. This concept couldn't be any more huge for me to comprehend. I am so humbled. So incredibly humbled.

The best part is she had a great time. She said it was the best weekend she's ever had (even though she was only here for 46 hours!!!). I can't say the same about it being the best weekend of my life. But I can say her coming to see me is probably one of the best gifts I've ever been given and I even still as I write have not comprehended fully what she has done for me. I needed to know that right now. And to be honest I can't imagine not having her there now when I look back. You'll understand why in my next post.

To Zoe and my miracle friend - thank you for everything. But most of all for making me feel and know that I'm loved.

No greater gift than that.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I'm fried ... like an egg.

So I've noticed from my sitemeter that people are clearly curious about the inner thoughts I have on the outcome of THE par-te. Well the title of this post is the sum up I think.

I hope to write tomorrow as I have a block of time unspoken for in the afternoon - a rarity.

Tonight however, I think I'm going to write about my current mental and physical state. May not sound as exciting as a party but it's definitely as significant at this point.

As I type I am sitting on my favourite bed in the house. It's so perfect. Perfectly soft. Perfectly firm. Perfectly ... perfect.

I have my favourite dog nestled beside me and my second favourite at my feet. I think they are glad I am on the bed with them.

Of course a few other things accompany us...

A large heap of un-ironed laundry from several weeks passed. Thank you notes from the party that were left over. I am also noticing doggie poop bags at my feet (unused) and Lord only knows what else is under the pile of crinkled clothing.

It's 8:45pm and I just woke up form an hours nap upon Wally's arrival home from a platonic date with a former female coworker (she's still female, but formerly his coworker).

I am completely exhaustified (that's my own word - I love this word and use it often).

I have come to the realization that I need to slow down my work life. Yes, I know, what's new? I've been talking about this for months but the realization came tome yesterday at 10am while at work.

I was with a lady with Autism who's in her late thirties I think. It was my first shift with her on my own. She's someone who's known to keep staff on their toes. She has favourites and I would say definitely needs to build a rapport with you before anyone feels comfortable (both her or you).

Anyways, I was so focused that morning on keep the rapport good and being on top of things that I totally made a med error. I gave her both morning and evening meds. Not a usual mistake for me at all. Not one anyone should easily make. The odd part was I realized it myself about a half hour after I did it and was practically struck by reality's lightning and just knew I made a mistake. I phoned my manager, then the pharmacist (who stated she would be fine and gave me instructions. I thought 'I'm glad she's not going to have a heart attack, but I might!').

I knew soon after that my mistake was due to fatigue and that I needed to change a few things. I need a break.

Today as I was heading into what I thought would be an easy day with a couple of predictable shifts reality once again put me into place.

It's one o clock in the afternoon and I am leisurely approaching the door to the apartment I was headed to and I see a staff outside on the phone looking frantic and the lady I was with yesterday near by. The staff was not someone who worked with this lady so the lady supported would not let the staff in, besides that the staff was on the way to another person's place. Apparently this lady's noon staff did not show up and everyone was emotionally disheveled.

Lady says to me 'Hi Eva'. I say hello and make some chit chat with her, get the low down from the staff. Lady would not let the staff in to help but instantly asked for me to come in and be with her. In fact she put out her hand to take mine and ushered me in as I allowed. I told the staff I would help Lady with lunch if they could call around and figure stuff out and let my other person know what was up.

I went in, helped with lunch and Lady settled immediately and seemed to make plans for us. Not long after the other staff said I was instructed to finish up with lunch, settle Lady into the afternoon then hop over to my original person to be seen. (Lady is still not allowing this staff in). As I prep lady on the fact that I would be going she sternly says 'Eva stays here. No go.' She clearly began to get agitated and I somehow let my neighbour staff know that I wasn't sure how I was going to leave. Every time I mentioned other staff coming in and that I had to go she got upset.

At one point I said I had to visit the neighbour and she followed me and waited out the door and as I opened the door to talk she could tell that something was wrong, escalated and went down the steps because she wanted to go. I quickly reminded her of her coat and took the chance to get her back into her place. I felt at that point that she would be better if I stayed with her so I did and asked for other staff to call a manager ASAP. I stayed and bought time with an invitation for a sit with some water and then a phone call while we waited. Lady was fixated on leaving with me. THen she noticed another neighbour with cake outside (there was a party downstairs. She's fixated on food - not good. She began to repetatively talk about the cake and wanting it. That's when I began to panic slightly. I needed to be relieved if I couldn't take her out.

This lasted a total of an hour and when finally someone showed they just popped in and told her that her original staff was coming and held the door open for me to leave (barely enough). Lady stood close to me and made a weird moaning sort of 'no' sound and I squeezed out reminding her of the next staff on their way. I quickly entered the apartment I was originally going to.

PHEW!!!! A huge sigh of relief (though still concerned for Lady). I was then reminded of a doctor's apt. I had to take my next person to - ugh. I was already tired from what I felt was the equivalent to a hostage undertaking. I went on with my afternoon and eventually spoke to the staff that Lady had (who Lady LOVES) and told her about what happened.

She said 'That's great!! She REALLY likes you!!' 'She NEVER does that with people!'

At that point I didn't know whether to be happy or scared. It felt good to be liked but challenged to be so new with this person that I didn't have all of the answers and perfect responses.

All in all it was fine. I completed my scattered shift that followed and stayed an extra half hour to complete notes regarding the doc apt. Then found out I couldn't go to my next person due to an outbreak on the floor of the nursing home this young lady was on. What a relief I was already sooooooo done.

Leaving me time to snooze and time to write. I sooo miss blogging, reflecting, thinking and sharing. I really do love it.

Now I sit here working hard to keep my eyes open and feeling like I've spend a day int he hot sun sapped of energy - you know those days?

I spoke to my manager on the way out today and told her I thought my mistake was due to being tapped out. She agreed and encouraged me in the fact that I recognized it. I mentioned to her about taking time off and she was glad about it. I also had a great conversation earlier today with an awesome co worker that informed me of my 'fried' state and insisted I take a week off.

So. I'm going to. I don't know the date or sure. I think in June immediately after my 6 month probation period is up. Right before I support 2 guys at the cottage for 4 days (that sounds relaxing but I'll need a holiday afterwards too!!)

I think this is the perfect time to do this realizing. AFter my party I mean. It's been a time of great reflection for me anyways, this is even better.

I have so much to share on my feelings of the 'Big Event'. So many things I am shocked to learn about how I would feel. It'll be good for me to share.

Really good.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

3 More Sleeps!!!

Ok so I haven't been able to sit still enough to blog as the party (THE PARTY!!!) is only 3 days away. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!

Things are going I think as well as they can. I have an amazing couple of gallies helping me out and I feel pretty darn good about the whole thing (hopefully I feel the same way after tonight when we try to finish up the biggest chore we have).

Wally and I decided to add a couple of last minute details (they were free to do, hence Wally agreeing to them!). These are details that just add a bit more depth behind the meaning, humour behind the seriousness and fun behind the ... well out in the open fun! I plan on posting these tid bits after the par-te.

In unusual fashion I also plan on posting some pics of the party too!

I've had seriously mixed emotions the past few weeks about the whole thing but have in recent days, due to tremendous support from a select few, have settled on embracing every oddity that this party entails. It's ok to do things different. It's ok to celebrate for the heck of it. It's ok because it is. So we will.

I wish I could go deeper and add so many of the other emotions I am feeling but I am tired out (even though I just woke up - 5 am). I have dogs to deal with, an appointment with the devil (my trainer) and then I'm off to get my hair fixed up (did you see pigs fly by chance?). Today I am off of work and completing all of the details (I hope).

Can't wait to blog about the party!!

Later gators!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Observations at the gym....

It's been a while since I've done this. I thought now would be a great time.

* Excuse me for being rude but I notice lots of ass while I'm there. (Kind of like when I go to the park). Although unlike the park there's more tight round ones there.

* Speaking of tight. Every item of clothing is almost always way too tight. Which strikes me as odd considering probably half of everyone there really shouldn't be wearing anything tight ... yet. Myself included.

* Short, bulky Italian men with uncharacteristically high pitched annoying voices who never know when to shut up. They have an incredible gift of making me want to kill them.

* The fore mentioned people who just happen to pretend they know what they are doing.

* People that know completely what they are doing. And do it. The nerve.

* Socks. Not worn on the feet but rather stuffed places. This can be with both males or females. (Off course they generally stuff in different places).

* When I go in the mornings I get the pleasure of a lot of 'eye candy'. Of the older persuasion. (That really is not 'eye candy' at all, I'm such a lucky girl).

* Actual 'eye candy'. To be honest, I haven't really noticed much of this at all. I'm actually being serious.

* The ladies that like to show off their large frontal assets by wearing tiny, strappy tank tops. While doing cardio. Which, if you are unaware, consists of far too much jostling and not enough containment for my eyes. Yes, I notice. It's a train wreck, who wouldn't?!

* Little old men who workout ten times harder than I do. Beside me. And aren't dead, yet.

* Trainers who don't really look like trainers. Pencil legs and all. (No, I'm not judging, just observing).

* Trainers that look bored out of their skull. Pretty much everyone of them does. They'd all be great on Sesame Street - it's the counting.

* Artificially tanned people. If you were wondering, I'm not one of them. I try and go for more of a natural ghostly look.

* Woman that are completely made up to look perfect with hair, makeup and outfit included ... at 9 am!!!

* Women that looked like they just rolled out of bed and into a scene from 'Scream'. (I'll let you take a stab at which one I am).

* Lots of middle aged women who talk none stop to their trainers to get out of doing their workouts. (I'm not middle aged yet).

* Then there's the 12 year old managers that are so sweet and quiet you really wonder how they got their job. You pray that no one else like yourself comes in and tramples over their little spirit.

I think those are it. For now.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Things are looking up....

Yes they are.

Thank you for the encouraging comments and e-mails that were sent out. I am beginning to feel better.

I did finally take a sleep aid to help with that the other night and I slept 9 1/2 hours!! A miracle for this non-sleeper. Unfortunately I followed that evening with 0 hours of sleep lastnight during my overnight shift at work (and everyone was quiet as mice for 7 hours!!). I plan on getting a good night's sleep tonight and through the week, and am hoping my other 2 overnights at work this week are a bit better (they should be they are at 2 other places that are more relaxed).

As far as my neck ... I went and did a very low key workout Friday with Dee and for some reason my neck felt better - not perfect but better after. Wally and I worked out on our own for the first time (like a workout Dee would have given us!) today and my neck is feeling great. This is very good news! I hope to get a massage or two in after the party (thanks for the e-mail recommendations!!).

About the party ... I am feeling much more at peace about things as a wonderful reader and friend has offered their incredible services to help me not go completely insane - it should be fun to not only stay ahead of things but do it with someone else (especially who's going to be at the party!!).

I have received a handful of last minute RSVPs of people that ARE indeed coming. Several of whom I doubted would. One is my old best friend from high school - that one shocked me, I am very excited to see her again and be able to have the fun we haven't shared in over a decade together.

I also have to mention another e-mail I got from another old friend saying they won't be able to make it but do want to get together. This is such a blessing!!! We haven't really hung out one on one since high school either. Even then it was mostly in a group setting. I am so looking forward to seeing where the reconnecting will take us - what an incredible gift the idea of this party has already been.

I hate using the word blessed because I think it carries much more meaning than we give it when we throw it around here and there. But I cannot think of a more appropriate word for how I am feeling right now. I have incredible friends. The problem is the past 8 months of my life I have spent all of my time immersed in scholastic and work goals. It's time to ease off and re-prioritize things. Get back to living the way I believe I should. With people.

My hope is that this party will not only be a night to remember but a night of re-kindling relationships from days gone by and nurturing potential friendships as well. The point is to be able to give just a hint of life and love back to those who have meant so much in our lives.

Actually today I already starting thinking of what it will be like when it's over and I started getting sad. But then I remembered the friend I will be getting to see afterwards and perhaps some of the friendships that will be renewed because of it. That is when the real fun will begin.

For those of you who sent encouraging messages THANK YOU!!! I needed them more than you know.

I still have more to share in the 'Sorting Thoughts' area but that will have to come later. It was funny I was telling Dee the other day that I wrote a blog and that I was able to connect with people through it. I mentioned at one point how odd it can be for virtual strangers (at times) to know my inner thoughts, struggles and experiences. I mean you don't go around every day telling people that you were molested by your uncle, or you have thoughts of leaving your husband to be single again. Dee mentioned that I didn't have to share all that stuff, but I said 'That's what my blog's all about, being honest, being real'. Hopefully by doing that making sure others know they are not alone in this world buy feeling these things or going through such events. I know I feel better knowing I'm not totally evil to have feelings that another human has shared.

I hope in the coming weeks I will be able to carve out more time to regularly blog. I love the connection it gives me - I'm very selfish that way. I feel like getting out all of these ponderings I am better able to figure things out, to grow and maybe, hopefully help others grow a tiny bit too.

Well, I better get myself off to bed. I have some catching up to do.

Blessings friends and thank you. For everything.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Sorting Thoughts - Part 1

I sit here now on night 7 of barely sleeping. I will admit freely that I'm at the end of my rope completely and in desperate need of rest, which could be the reason for my recent emotional and mental break down or only part of the problem.

I'm leaning toward the latter.

I'm blogging in hopes of therapizing (my own word) myself enough to summon rest.

*big breath*

So I have no idea even where to start in sharing what has been going on in my life lately to bring me to the brink of insanity. Some might say I didn't have far to go but I oppose that thought ... for the most part.

I guess I'll begin with the easiest to explain. Last Thursday while working out I was finishing my final set (of three) whatevers on the leg press (I think that's what it's called). It was brutal because I was at the end of my limit and I was under the impression I could let go and so I released. My trainer said, 'Don't let go, push all the way through one last time'. Only catch was I had already really let go, perhaps mostly in my head, but enough to have already lost the strength to hold. He pushed me to finish which is what he's supposed to do (as I don't think he realized I'd let go). While obeying the command I did something to my neck, which is weird as obviously my legs and neck are two landscapes that live far from one another.

Anyways, At first it was just a gentle pull I felt, just uncomfortable. After a day or two it became a searing sharp pain, something felt wrong and maybe out of place. I planned on talking to Dee about it but never got to as our appointments got unusually misplaced all week - I see him tomorrow. My best guess is he'll shoot me for not dealing with it sooner. The searing pain left a day or two ago when I slept on it funny during a nap-let and something went back into place. Now the other side of my neck and the bottom of my head hurt. The discomfort was so bad the other day that I saw spots, luckily that has passed but the sleeplessness hasn't.

The following day I had taken my before bed protein drink (minus milk which is absolutely wrong on every level) and felt so sick after. I spent the night awake and found myself researching protein overload. I don't know if that's what it was, let's just say I threw out the small amount of that brand that was left. I didn't feel right for a couple of days regarding that little issue.

Hmmmmm ... the final body part tragedy of my week happened Monday when I was taking someone I was supporting out and I was making a left on a not so busy street (thank goodness!!) and I decided that I needed to reset my kilometer reading. While I was turning. With my arm through the steering wheel. Just an FYI for everyone reading: that's not a bright idea. In fact, that's probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. Overall didn't leave a pleasant feeling or colour on my arm.

There's a brief overview of my physical strife (which I understand in the grand scheme of things compared to others isn't all that bad, but combined with the rest of my state, not a great addition).

On to other struggles...

I hesitate to write about these as I know some of you may not take what I am saying personally or to heart in a way I don't mean it. So please know that I am not directing subliminal messages to anyone out there. I am just speaking honestly about my emotions and thoughts as of late.


The party.

Wow. I can't tell you how many incredibly mixed emotions I've had lately about this 'celebration of life'. So many that I think I've wanted to skip celebrating life and take off on a cruise in the Caribbean. We definitely could have afforded it with the money we are using on the party.

Why mixed emotions? Well, I did not prepare myself at all for the reactions and responses we would get. Here are just a few ...

'We are so excited to come to your party! We'll be there with bells on!'
'Just letting you know that we'll be coming, but only for a couple of hours.' *This one was VERY popular*
'What does 'New chapter in your life' mean in the invitation? Are you pregnant? That's so exciting!!'
'As far as we know we'll be there, right now we don't have anything else going on. Even though an open or closed bar, pay or no pay doesn't matter to us, nor do we dance, I guess that leaves seeing people!!'
'Are Wally and Eva ok? They aren't sick or anything are they?'
'Bill took the night off work. We'll be there!'
'We'll be honest, we don't really dance but we are so excited to come!'
'Sorry, we have my husband's birthday party that night' (even though they don't ever celebrate any birthdays in the history of their lives)
'My date's working, I won't be there.'
'Thank you for planning this! Can't wait to see you!'

And then of course there's the ever popular group of people that negate the RSVP completely. Grrrrrr!

Well those are the various reactions we received. Some people might advise me not to take things personally and some of the comments mentioned above I don't but some I do.

For example, I completely get that it's uncomfortable to come out to something where you will not know a single soul. My thoughts 'Take a chance on meeting new friends'. But it doesn't offend me when people choose not to.

Those that create opportunities to miss my celebration actually ease my mind. A few less people to worry about understanding me, obviously they don't really get it if they are going to make believe parties over my fun one.

The responses that are difficult to swallow are ones that make complete sense in my head but not in my heart.

Like those people that I thought would 'get it', the urgency I mean, of why I'm doing this, but seem to disregard it as just another event.

Or just people's current life situation that make it difficult and even impossible to physically come out - that's just life, but not the part of it I enjoy (nor do they).

The final one I am reluctant to say but is probably the most challenging.

Realizing you are not on the main ingredient list anymore.

One of my dearest friends lives far away and let's be honest, going out of your way to go to a party is anything but practical. I've had the privilege of having this friend go completely out of her way planning to surprise me at my party. Overcoming distance, financing and timing to come celebrate life with me and no doubt show how much she really cares about my life and who I am to her.

However, in the end the 'real life' factor dashed our fairytale hopes.

Another for real, life changing, very important gathering came up at the same time as my celebration, forcing my friend to choose. I'm not being sarcastic either, I have no doubt in my mind that the event that came up is an essential one for her to be at. It includes several integral people in her life that have been a family to her for the past few years when she hasn't had family close by. They are leaving and this is her only real chance to say goodbye. How could I ever expect her to miss that? I couldn't and wouldn't want her to.

Knowing you are loved, understood and honestly cared about but having to accept the reality that you are no longer a primary ingredient in a person's practical life is tough. You're 'optional' instead of an essential. In no way am I saying I've been made to feel 'optional', I'll be the first to say that 'optional' ingredients are the best. They add great flavour and accent the main dish.

It's more of a wake up call thing. It's being faced the the reality that you aren't there in a practical everyday sense in that person's life and if we are honest those are the people we cling to life with. Those are the ones we exchange everyday needs with. Those are the ones who essentially give us the air we need to breath to get through sometimes.

I know it might be tempting for my friend to think that I feel 'not as important as her other friends' and perhaps I've had moments when my heart tries to convince my head of that (or the other way around, I'm not sure of the geography of these things).

But, this is not so. Instead I choose to be thankful that I get to be chosen for a fairytale thought. I mean she can't fly across the country to surprise her friends next door. And come on, flying sounds more romantic than walking :)

I love my friend and will continue to be thankful that I can compliment her life in a small way.

Everyone needs a little hot fudge in their lives. You know, to make the vanilla taste better!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Walkin' and Talkin'

So today I was out walking with my favouite fiesty lady. I suppored her while I was on my placement for school and only a couple of times since as a relief worker. I love her. You may remember Vivvie.

While we were out on our walk (or in her case - wheelchair) I asked Vivvie if there were things she wished she could do, you know, if she could walk.

I was really waiting for her to give me this great list of things like: dance, do a marathon, become an olympian. Physical stuff that would require great dedication.

Her answer suprised me.

Vivvie doesn't speak. She can make noise and stuff but has no real control over her tongue really, so mostly she will make sounds and do lots of hand gestures. It can be VERY challenging to understand her but once you get it, it's worth it.

Vivvie began by saying one of the things she would do is go shopping for new clothes all by herself. She also mentioned just being able to call up her friends and family on the phone herself and chat with them. She stopped her chair and then pointed to a house. She also said she would buy her own home.

I was amazed at her answers. So simple, so practical, so normal.

During my on going quest for living life as full as I possibly can, and doing my best to not take for granted all of the gifts I've been given, I took in Vivvie's answers hoping that in some way I could fulfill the things she mentioned. However, I realized after she gave me her answers I can not live out her dreams, because they are her's and her's alone. She has simple hopes and desires.

After our conversation I learned that you are not responsible for living out anyone else's dreams, only your own. Everyone's dreams and goals are diffeent and that is ok. In fact that is the way it is supposed to be.

If Vivvie had not been hit by a car she would likely have fulfilled many of her 'now' dreams but never realized it because these simple gifts we are given to walk and talk are almost always taken for granted. Vivvie would likely possess other aspirations and hopes.

After I left Vivvie I really thought about her 'everyday' wishes and was saddened. She also mentioned travelling she'd like to do, maybe Vegas. I could totally see her gambling in Vegas. I hope someday she does.

I hope you fulfill your dreams. I hope you take time to find our what they are. Most people don't even get that far.

I hope you realize the dreams that you've already realized.

I'm in the middle of continuing to learn about mine. I find them ever changing and on going. Life seems to be such a great evolution of growth. It can be very frustrating at times and very amazing at others.

I just neve seem to be satisfied, and I think I'm glad.