Monday, May 16, 2011

A little clearer

Well, I have to say I feel much better than I did when I wrote my last post 10 hrs ago.

What's changed? Nothing much really.

I've had the day completely to myself to clean the house, create some healthy snacks in the kitchen and finish patiently waiting laundry. Oh and I must mention the 5 K run I had at the gym this morning without any trouble (my first run in over 2 weeks since the fund raiser!!).

As the day went by I looked up some houses on MLS (I know, we're not thinking of moving yet for another year but I like to jump the gun). I decided I LOVE our little bungalow with hideous paneling in the basement, and I love what few things we've done to the place since moving here.

I'm no so much in love with the fact that after my shower this afternoon I heard mousecapades going on over the ceiling in the bathroom. Oh well, as long as they stay up there until I con someone else into going up and killing the little buggers I'm not too worried.

I love being home. I love breathing and noticing that I'm alive. I love the pace of my two little friends (don't love their timing when walking across a freshly washed kitchen floor that's not yet dry).

I love ... creating home.

So, in light of this little discovery I am going ot spend the next year researching, learning, asking questions and figuring out how Wally and I can make our dreams come true having me be at home as much as possible.

I'll have to learn more about budgeting, ok I'll rephrase that because honestly I'm a great budgeter, I'm going to learn how to create and APPLY a good budget. I'm going to challenge myself to be even more frugal than I always have been. Maybe I'll even start a networking system for others to be able to access to make dollars go farther.

I'm going to start daring to believe I will be a mom and a wife that I've always wanted to be.

Last week I went to an advanced workshop on 'Core Gifts' that I got trained in last year (I told you a bit about it at the time). It's an interview process that's very personalized that helps the interviewee learn what their Core Gift is and how they best use it.

I did mine again with someone new. My Core Gift was the same but how I do it was much more defined and clear. Bang on in my opinion. Here it is:

My core gift is: helping people connect with one another.

I do this by: being real, meeting people where they are at, gaining strength by learning new things and making something great out of nothing.

By knowing my 'Core Gift' and how I specifically use it I can use it more and be more fulfilled.

I'm sure to some it sounds like hocus pocus psychology. If I was capable and patient enough to explain it I may be able to win you over. I find it fascinating and after learning more behind it I think it's very real.

Anyways, today has let me breathe and given me time to let some things settle in.

Due to things changing at work I still have a schedule around 30-32 hrs a week plus meetings and special training stuff. I'm going to go with it for a couple of weeks and see how it goes but I still wonder if it'd be best if I let a shift or two go still. We'll see.

For now I'll enjoy the air.


What to do? What to do?


I feel like that's what the last month has been like.

Between working 40 hrs a week, fitting in what seems to be a tonne of coffee dates with old friends from out of town, a couple of bridal showers out of town, Easter and Mother's day gatherings, and getting back to the gym (or at least trying to with my new free membership), life has just seemed over the top.

It's been exactly what I didn't want after we got back from Thailand.

The visits with old friends have been great but always seem sandwiched between a bunch of obligations that have left me sapped for energy.

The weather has also been more rainy than not and never at the right time. Our front and backyards look terrible and no doubt our neighbours are ready for us to put a 'For Sale' sign out.

Speaking of which this idea too has popped up.

Wally and I have been talking a lot about moving somewhere a bit more conducive to his job. As it turns out not long after we bought our house he began traveling a lot more. Once a week he goes down the busiest highway in the country a good hour, and often he travels a couple hours down that same highway in the same direction to another city for work as well. Right now he gets paid mileage from our house to these places, which is costing us nothing ultimately for his travels in general (the days he doesn't go further he still drives over a half hour away to work). But, gas prices have sky rocketed and it would not be smart for us to continue this in the long run. Especially if I'm going to only work part time when (if it ever happens!) we have kids.


Moving also costs money though and requires much thought.

Do we move to the city he'll work in mostly? Will he have that job long enough to make it worth while? Do we want to raise our children there? I would have to give up the only agency I'd ever work in related to my field. There are tonnes of jobs everywhere in my field but I honestly don't think I could work in a group home again or under a different philosophy either, I just couldn't do it.

A strong possibility of a town we are considering is back closer to where we grew up. Both of our siblings live there which I think would be nice. But then our parents would all be closer to which has it's good points and not as enticing points. We've enjoyed the idea of less frequent visits yet often more meaningful (usually) from them but like the idea of the familiarity and convenience of being closer to everyone. We were told straight out from some family we'd never see them if we moved to certain places as they wouldn't travel in the 'chaos' of an unknown 'confusing' city. Feels great to be so loved (sarcasm strongly intended).

We'd love to go down to one vehicle (in principle anyways), it would likely save half my income (I guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was when it comes to thinking practically considering my reaction to the daycare stuff).

I started looking at houses, even though we are not thinking about moving for another year still, and I was sad. I love our little house and the small changes we've already made to make it ours. The thought of starting over AGAIN is overwhelming and exciting. It's such a difficult decision, one I wish someone could make for us. I love where we live now both the city and the area we are in close to a park, a swimming pool and two schools. It's quiet, just no longer practical.

Another drawback to moving to the very convenient place we're thinking of is that it feels weird. Ask anyone that has moved out of the area they grew up and are thinking or have thought about moving back after a period of time away and they will likely agree that it's an odd thought.

I compare it to putting a pair of your old favourite jeans back on. Even though you loved them at the time and couldn't imagine anything better, when you put them on again they don't feel the same, fit the same or look the same, something about them just isn't right.

Luckily we have a whole year to think on the possibilities. And pray for divine intervention.

In the mean time trying to let go of having control over the kid thing has also been an issue. It's not all about 'oh I'm not pregnant my life is over', it's more about 'do we really have to try? can't this just happen so we know what to do next?' I hate not being able to prepare for stuff.

I've also been attacked by different thoughts of 'Maybe we're not meant to have any kids and should just be at peace with it' maybe it's too late, we're too old to change our no kid life, our ten years of just us ways of life'. I don't know!!

Every once in a while I think about what it would be like to quit working altogether and just test the waters of what my life and philosophies on life would be like as a non working woman who falls into a traditional roll in a non traditional culture. What great things may come out of that?

I said to Wally last night that I notice the more I work the less on top of our money I am, the more that is spent without thought and the less money we actually seem to have. I hate this irresponsible attitude but it comes with the North American busy life way I think.

I don't like it.

I have felt rather misplaced lately. I don't' like that either.

What does a 31 year old working but unsatisfied woman, married ten years and wanting more out of life do? Where does she go?

I wish I had these answers, I really do.

If anyone has wisdom or advice I'm open, just be a little sensitive please. I'm not a complete stone.