Tuesday, August 3, 2010

On my mind

I've had a lot on my mind lately, a lot.

I'm not sure if any of it is all that earth shattering or remotely stimulating, but it's there to carry and mull through all the same.

I've been trying to sort out a few things and in the pursuit feel like I've just gotten myself more tangled up than I was before. Sometimes I don't think it pays to think. I wish it did pay me to think because I'd be rich.

Ok I am rich in all the necessaries I'm just being selfish.

What's on my mind you may ask? (Or you may not and I'm assuming).

Too many things...

* the 'kid thing' - both adoption and the 'do it yourself' version

* work schedules

* money

* hobbies

* friendships (or lack there of)

* family (and the distance I am feeling from mine)

* the vacation Wally and I are avoiding planning this fall

* churchy stuff

* internet stuff (facebook and blog)

* being bored out of my skull .... kind of shocking I'd be bored with all that stuff on the brain.

I had (or should I say guarded) this past weekend off, which included 4 whole days off in a row. Which considering my July is like a vacation (for real!). I'm now excited that I don't have any more long stretches of 'Yikes I don't think I can do this anymore!' times. (At least not in my work life and I don't have kids so otherwise life's a vacation).

Anyways, Wally and I had the weekend commitment free, which over the past several months has become the way. I just recently came to realize that my work has taken over our lives over the past year since I started working 'in the field'.

As we chatted about the fact that we no longer seem to have friends to hang out with, we have no connection to a church type family (something that used to take up much of our time), or any hobbies that we share we came to the conclusion that we (or at least the I part of we) are/is bored.

At first I wondered why things seemed so empty all of a sudden, then I tried to look at what's changed and when I first noticed it. It was definitely my job(s) that took over my life. I let it of course. What else do you do when you are in school and you are trying to work full time in a field that new hires basically have to earn their way up to working weekday day ours? This generally takes years (if you ever get it).

To be honest at first I didn't care at all, I was just so excited to get work and be challenged to do something totally new. To be honest if I was single I probably wouldn't even care. But I'm not. I'm married to someone who works during the day, during the week.

I'm not trying to complain about my line of work and how bad I have it - I don't. I love it, I am fortunate to have found a place (though not perfect) that is the best fit for me right now - or maybe ever, in my chosen field. I'm just explaining how I clearly cashed in the rest of my life for a job. And now I'm learning that my life was worth more than I sold it for.

I guess I feel a little foolish.

I mean before I went back to school I had 2 businesses that I enjoyed. I worked my hours the way I wanted them (although I have always had challenges saying 'no' which made it difficult for me to fully take advantage of enjoying this). I did enjoy what I did but I needed new mental stimulation.

Well, I got it for a while. Then school ended. I love school.

I'm not sure what I thought would change in my life after school but I feel sort of like where I started. Only now without a life.

I'm not all that excited about how this post is going.

I guess I just feel like something's missing.

It's kind of odd, lately I've really been missing my youth worker days. I've been thinking about when I worked with kids and teens and (I can't believe I'm saying this, because they also stressed me out) how much I loved it.

Of course I say this after having had several years off. I experienced burn out doing that work as well. I'm not sure if it's my nature or if it was my immaturity, or my passion. Who knows but I find myself missing organizing, creating and interacting the way I used to.

Of course I could just be pining for the next natural step in life ... having a family. Something that would include all of these skills.

This weekend Wally and I had some good chats about 'the kid thing'. Although Monday's chat left me wondering if he was really there for Sunday's chat or if we were really speaking two different languages.

I want to adopt so bad. So bad.

I began getting so excited when chatting with Wally about it on the weekend. We even talked about possibly being open to adopting siblings (something we were never open to doing at our young age - always more later on, after we'd raised a couple of kids already).

I began to think about the challenges that would come with older children, the complexities of dealing with what they would have witnessed already in life. Blending a family, figuring out the parenting thing. All that stuff.

I know it wouldn't be easy but I think it'd be worth it.

However there's just a few things in the way....

Wally would still love to give the old fashioned way a whirl as well. In his wisdom he feels doing so before adoption would be the best plan. (Whatever a plan is). When I really stop and think about it I think he's absolutely right (for us).

Initially, I wanted to adopt first because I wanted our kids to know they weren't 'Plan B', but rather wanted first from the start. Clearly I wasn't giving a whole lot of care to whatever possible child we'd bring into the world through biological means later on - I guess I just assumed they'd feel wanted since, you know, I would be tortured through labour for them.

Really, I don't think there's a best way to do things, like anything else you do what's right for you.

Admittedly I do have fears that I will chicken out of adoption once if we do things the 'old fashioned way'. Then again, I don't know how, it's soooooooo in me.

There's also the baby issues I have.

I don't dig them really. I know, I know, I'll love my own blah, blah, blah. I believe you. I guess a big part of it is the fact that Wally and I have been married for 9 1/2 years and I know that it would be a big deal for us to have a baby both in regards to our families and friends.

I feel like there would be a whole audience of people in the front row watching for how we'll screw it up, or at least to say 'we told you that you'd do things differently when you had them for yourself!'

I was told the other day that I would learn how to apologize properly when I had kids. Also that perhaps Wally and I over think things (perhaps true). And that when you don't have kids you tend to be more into yourself (duh).

Because of all of these things I've heard I want more than anything to something unconventional and adopt first. Because at least when everyone's giving me their two cents I won't have to give it much thought as the majority of those who sprinkle our lives with their opinion don't have experience with adoption.

I also get super annoyed with the push I get from so many to have to bear a child myself. One lady at work said 'Oh Eva, don't you want your own?'


No child could be more my own than the one I welcome into my life. Honestly I don't understand why people don't understand how I'm feeling, except for the fact that I don't understand how their feeling.

I've had relations try their non existent persuasions, for reasons unknown to me, to get me to want to have a baby biologically. Why? Why does this matter so much? Why can't adopting be just as exciting?

(By the way, I had a reader comment on a post in the past couple of months about if we'd be up for adopting children rather than infants. Wally and I have actually never planned on adopting an infant as we don't feel it necessary FOR US to have a child from infancy. I guess I assume you all just read my mind ;)

Anyways, I realize I'm just babbling through my thoughts and none of them are really all that intelligent at the moment but I do feel like it helps me figure things out better.

I am learning that I can't 'go against the grain' with something as serious as expanding my family just to prove a point. Wally and I have to do what's right for us, whatever the heck that is.

I suppose I just need to accept that there's something about a newborn life that people get excited about (as they should, they truly are miraculous). And maybe Wally and I will just have to do our best, if and when the time comes, to welcome in new members of our family and to love them the best we know how. Ultimately it's our job as parents to love unconditionally, and teach our kids what family is all about.

So what do I do while I wait a bit longer?

Hmmmmm ... something that will prepare me probably.

No. I'm not working in a daycare. Unless of course you want me to renege on the whole thing.

In the famous words of Lady (a woman I support): 'We'll figure it out'.