Tuesday, September 13, 2011

'Don't make me go!!!!'

Those are the words I said to Wally this morning as he was getting ready for work and I was trying to hide in the comfort of our bed.

Now I'm saying them to the dogs as I blog trying to avoid running before trying to avoid going to where i don't want to go.

I feel much like I did a few months ago when we got back from Thailand only it's intensified.

I am beginning to feel conviction set in to replace a mere desire to shake up the job situation.

It's like knowing right and wrong and blatantly choosing wrong even though you still feel the prickles in your heart to do right.

I remember when Wally and I were first married and lived very much in a faith based way. I'm not talking religion, I really do mean faith.

He'd get a call from the organization he worked for and be told: 'Next pay will be half as your fundraising has been down. It'll stay that way until you get more financial support'.

Though in the initial moment we felt stress we had no choice but to give it up and trust the God we gave our marriage to.

I remember one day when I realized losing a cleaning client or a piano student meant I was looking forward to either the rest God was granting me or the new people I would get a call from to work for them.

Never once were we failed.

Not once.

We made every mortgage payment, every car payment, every bill we had.

Only one time did we not have money up front and that was that Christmas lesson we learned from a near stranger who offered to pay our bill interest free until we had money to settle up. And in many ways I think that was a good lesson to learn, to see.

Since then our lives have changed so much. Though I believe God is the one who has provided for us in every way, He has also taught us how to provide for ourselves in many ways.

Ultimately I know He's the giver but I also know that He's very much the excited parent that is wanting to show us how to do things ourselves. This whole practice opens up the idea of us having to think on our own a bit more. Decide more for ourselves with the tools he's given.

This can be much more challenging than just saying: 'God will figure it out'.

Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that God can and often does step in and do this, but I also believe there are times He doesn't because He wants to see how we're going to manage things with what He's given us.

Right now I feel I'm at the point where I'm trying to figure out what to do with the tools He's given me.

He's given me faith, intelligence, desire, creativity, trust, abilities, wisdom, and some great lessons learned.

Now ... what to do with them?

Perhaps I just need to ask Him. Wow, what a novel idea.

Maybe I'll do that. And maybe He'll show me.

You'll never know until you ask.