Friday, July 30, 2010


Yeah, I have lots of them.

But. I'm at peace with this fact.

I've had some super kind comments left on the blog lately that I am very grateful for but I feel rather undeserving of.

I won't lie, I think I'm a decent human being much of the time. The rest of the time, well, leaves much to be desired.

I feel that because I have this outlet that I perhaps give readers an unfair glimpse of who I am. I always hope to be 'real' as I value that in others (or at least I fool myself into believing I do). However, I realize that most of the time I lean towards showing you things I think, have said or have done that make me look good.

So today I will do a bit of a strip tease for you. With no photo shop involved...

Today I woke up in an ok mood, until I weighed myself and noted that I gained a pound. Quickly things turned sour and before I knew it I had snapped a Wally at least a half a dozen times within a few minutes. I knew I was being moody, I knew I was tired, I knew it wasn't the end of the world. But I let myself be mean and ugly all the same. I was rude, snippy and just plain disrespectful of a man who is ever so patient with his crazy wife. He let every single sentence roll off of his back. when I apologized in a text later his words greeted me with grace and love.

I don't deserve him, but I'm glad he's my husband.

While I was at work lastnight Wally got a phone call from my mama. She was calling to ask when we were planning to take time off in the fall, so that her and my papa didn't book the same time. Why? Because they wanted to be available to look after our dogs for us. After all of the times I am short with her and gripe about family stuff or how this should go or that, she always let's it be and goes with the flow of my ever present complaining or need to control things.

I am so lucky to have her for my mom.

A couple of months ago I received an e-mail from a relative who happens to be in my 'Top 3'. My 'Top 3' are the people in my life that I look up to because of how they live, approach, and react to life. They are people who 'get' me and I aspire to remember when I am fearful of making changes or taking risks. This person e-mailed in regards to something I said. They were super soft, caring, and respectful about how they approached me on this issue knowing that it could set me off or that I could take things the wrong way but still wanting to resolve the question they had. Instead of acting patient, respectful and caring back I reacted immediately and flew off the handle like a mad woman. I even knew as I was doing so that I was doing so. Part of me wanted them to know I was human and had deep feelings but really? I'm sure I could have done what they had done and tamed it down a tad (or A LOT). Even through my ranting and raving my person listened and responded with respect. Time went by and I sincerely apologized for my indiscretion (and then another I had committed soon after - will I ever learn?!).

My person gave me more than just forgiveness, but comfort knowing they saw my heart. They definitely deserve a spot in my 'Top 3'.

I am seeing more and more in my life how I am perceived by others as some very brave people share how they feel about me.

Dee told me today that he was really intimidated by me - at least at first. I laughed and he said he really was. He's used to all of his 'charms' as he puts it working on the ladies and he said in 3 seconds he knew it wouldn't work on me, because looks and status don't really mean beans to this girl.

There are a couple of people at my work in management positions that seem to almost get scared when I start speaking. I don't mean because I'm all worthy or anything but because I call people on stuff sometimes (don't worry, there are definitely many times I'm one who's afraid). I hate that because they are people that I am submitting to in my work and I expect to pull me up and challenge my thinking, I need that. I don't want to be under someone who needs me to like them. I mean it's cool if I do but don't be sweet to me if I need a kick in the pants. This is something I am grateful Dee wasn't afraid to do. I respect him for it.

I'm sort of meandering around with this one. I guess I just want to share that I have serious flaws (along with my good points). I'm not under any assumption that I'm perfect or even great. However I don't think I'm a piece of dirt either. This balance seems to be a fine tuning act to get right. On one hand you run the risk of becoming arrogant and prideful and then there's the chance of rolling over and letting people walk all over you.

I don't want either extreme.

I want humility, grace, acceptance, respect, wisdom, love, open eyes and listening ears. Oh, and I cant' forget a soft yet strong heart.

There should be a workout routine for these things, but then again different people require different exercises.

This post is dedicated to my wally, my mama and one of my 'Top 3'. Thanks you for showing my these incredible lessons in grace.

I am humbled.