Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Green Goblin saves the day!

I wanna be a recluse.

I know one. That person gets to stay home all day long every day, go out once in a while with a friend or two and sometimes drag themselves to family occasions. Otherwise they stay safe in the cocoon of their home. I want that sometimes.

I know that honestly I'd probably only last 2 or three days before going insane but the idea of never having to leave does seem appealing right now.

I've mentioned before that our unusually cold and very wet spring may be playing a part in my feelings but sometimes I wonder.

Last Friday I could barely stand the thought of facing my day. When I got home for some reason I envisioned Ed McMahon coming by with balloons and a cheque for a bazillion dollars and my response being 'That's great (with little to no enthusiasm), can you be sure to close the door on your way out.' Then I'd go drop into bed. That's how much energy and life I had left in me.

I had figured I was tired from my week of work, Maybe even from my very full month. But as I sit here on a Tuesday afternoon after work and look ahead to 3 more days of work I feel totally at the mercy of the world. I am drained already, stressed for no apparent reason, and am honestly giving thought to purchasing a ticket to Thailand and just heading out the door tomorrow with little to no care for anyone else around me.

I won't do that .... at least not tomorrow.

One of my co workers told me to take some time off to rest. I reminded her that I just got back from my 'vacation'. Right now I feel a bit trapped. By what I'm not so sure.

Someone asked me 'Is it work? Is it home? Are people at work treating you unfairly?'

I could honestly say 'No' to the last question and 'I don't know' to the other two.

Wally often reminds me that it's possible I loved Thailand because I wasn't working there. I remember reminding myself while I was there that my feeling of comfort and peace was real. I remember walking down the road and thinking to myself 'This is home.'

I realize Wally may be right. Maybe Thailand isn't my home, but maybe not working is.

Not working is a simply crazy thought for anyone here in North America. Why ever would you NOT work? I mean you've got to eat!

Our mental health isn't even allowed to enter the equation either. If you are physically fine you need to be out making money. Gone are the days where a woman could be respected for making a home and caring for her family. (Not to be gender bias but I'm talking traditionally).

I don't want to be lazy ... but I do want to be well. Right now I don't feel well inside. And because I've had this issue before and attended to it with time off (a week here, a week there) I don't feel justified in doing this again. People already think my need for a reduced (but still the same number of hours as my husband's 'full time') work week is odd and a little snooty.

This afternoon after feeling the stress of listening to a woman I support talk about her 3 cats from days gone by over and over and over (and over and over and over), then hearing all about the ruckus the young lady I support has been causing with supposed false allegations, I was absolute toast by noon.

I went over and accomplished a long list of things (including filing this young lady's passport paperwork - she's going on a cruise!!!!) with the ruckus maker and then went for a short walk to get a drink together.

We sat. We drank. We chatted. She smiled a lot. I smiled at her. She asked if I was tired and I said yes. Then I remembered her wonderful impression of the Green Goblin from the Spiderman movies so I asked her to do it.

At first she refused. With a smile, while looking away bashfully and waving her hand 'no'. I pressed, she continued to deny me. Then out of nowhere she put her empty plastic apple juice container up to her mouth and did the Green Goblin spooky laugh.

I laughed. I smiled. I was reminded that this one person meant so much to me. I value her. I care for her. Even though she's stubborn as hell, makes a liar out of me often, and tells very creative little stories that make me wish I was a detective, she still is one of the ones I completely adore, respect and want so badly to get something great out of life.

Who new the Green Goblin could save the day.

I guess it's all in the delivery.

I will hang in there. At least one more day.