Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sand Specks

I had brilliant thoughts this morning as I was walking the dogs. When I came in I thought 'Go blog now so you can get them out!' Why would I ever listen to myself?

Instead I proceeded to get dressed and ready, gather change for parking, print out an e-mail for work, check and respond to more e-mail from work, facebook, order something on Amazon (but not really because I don't have our info, so it's still waiting), and now I'm here and can't completely remember my brilliance.


Give me a sec.

One thought keeps coming back to nag be through out my little journey a la body. The reminder that real, true change happens in little tiny molecules of adjustment (I'm using molecules as a metaphor though if you want to take it literally go ahead).

I keep hearing over and over from so many different people, in regards to weight loss and fitness, that they've 'tried everything', they are 'doing everything right', that 'nothing works'. To which I say 'I totally get what you are saying!!'

Because I've worked out with a trainer for 6 months, that by itself means I should be cellulite free right? I've eaten nearly clean for 3 months, hello with the sacrifices I've made I feel as though I should have modeling agencies knocking down my door to have me in a bikini front and centre of the next issue. I've tried to dedicate every choice to making the right one over the past 8 months or so.

The thing is I have been balanced for only a brief period of time with all of these things. I have struggled to make good choices, fought to keep up the work outs and rarely been squeaky clean with my intake. Because I haven't made all of these decisions perfectly all of the time should I give up? Because I don't have the outcome yet that I want should I forget it all and call it wrong? Because I'm not 'there yet' should I stop?

When I began my journey with everything months ago I made the decision to try the trainer and see where it lead. I had small goals and little desire to be anything more than improved. As I've gone along I have made one small choice after another. With each bad choice I've considered making it my first of an eternity of negative choices because I knew I wasn't being perfect so why try even to be 'good'? For some reason having the piece of cake seems to lead us down an 'I'm making a bad choice this gives me permission to make another 10 bad choices' road.

Recognizing this thought and a myriad of others I think is what has changed my inner dialogue so much. Now I will say it has by no means stopped me from making a string a bad choices once the first one was made but instead of 10 bad ones maybe one day it's only 7 and another only 5. Some days if I'm really doing well I by pass them altogether. However still even after all these months I am continuing to struggle my way through the mental game of what's ok and what's a ridiculous expectation to hold.

I don't really know why exactly I haven't given up yet. Maybe it's because I am not interested in a legalistic point of view and I know that it's not necessary with others things so why this? I got rid of this in my faith a few years ago and I have no interest adopting it back into my healthful lifestyle. My hope is to be real and honest to myself and others as to what real change consists of.

I know that if I'd achieved my goal in 6 months it would have been temporary and superficial. This is not at all something I ever want to be.

At the same time I have been challenged by so many people's thoughts, opinions and beliefs to 'settle' where I'm at in my fitness journey. I have been tempted over and over to take people up on their comfortable offers. However I can't. I just can't. And it has nothing to do with being a number (may I remind you I don't measure or weigh myself often at all right now and that's the way it should be.

I feel as though people give themselves an 'out' with so many things in life. Mine would be my fitness journey. People would tell me 'You look great! You can stop! You don't have to give up that!' Blah, Blah, Blah.

However they are missing the point for me. This is my challenge. My challenge to believe in the impossible. This is the impossible for me. To change how I see my self, how others see me (I am meaning those who have known me since the years of over weight and out of shapeness). To be what I would never ever in a trillion years believe I could be. That is what my journey is really about.

When I had my core gift done (I mentioned this months ago) I was shocked to find out that it related directly back to my most distraught moment as an overweight little girl, the moment I felt most alone and unaccepted. Your core gift is what life has broken out of you. I was sure it would have been something else because I was sure I was way past my years of teasing and believing I was less because of my image. I had no idea how real and deep that wound was.

We all have wounds. We all have 'the impossible' in our lives. My bet is that they are related but maybe they aren't always, I don't know.

I do know that I have been given a spark for figuring out this inner dialogue so many people struggle with when it comes to their bodies, but more over actually when it comes to doing anything in their lives. I have a drive to finish what I've started so I can help others do the same. 'Finish' in this case is a lifetime long event.

One piece of sand on the scale may seem to mean nothing. But when you add another and then another and keep going all of those little tiny pieces become effective in moving the scale in the right direction. It may take a while to get anything to move, and there may be times when you don't add a piece for quite sometime but no doubt they are doing something.

Don't doubt the effectiveness of the seemingly little decisions you make (bad or good). When you add them up they do something.

One way or another.