Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Little Miss Not-So-Perfect

I'm in the midst of a very busy week that I am excited to say good bye to in some ways. It's just too busy to enjoy really.

Several weeks ago I ran into a friend (actually also a blog reader) who I hadn't seen in a while. WE chatted a bit in the grocery store and talked about getting together and she said 'I've thought about getting together but ... this is gonna sound bad ... you make me feel bad because you're doing so well with your healthy lifestyle and I'm not doing so great'. She apologized several times hoping I wouldn't feel bad and trying to ensure I wasn't offended.

I wasn't offended in the way she worried I might be.

I was ashamed and saddened that she thought I was doing better than any one else in the realm of my 'healthy lifestyle'.

I felt like a fraud.

I know I talk lots on this blog about trying healthy this and working out, and my running efforts. Even about successes in these areas. I have written honestly about my struggles. I will admit that I do try and share successes more than struggles for both my well being and the well being of those who read.

I'm not trying to lie about anything or be false when I swing towards the successes rather than the disappointments (which honestly there are more of than the successes). When I write so much of it is my heart and I often project what I hope for, what I want. I try to celebrate when I win because they are so much more rare. I also know as a reader I would rather rejoice in a win than constantly be brought down by failure and pessimism.

I also believe that I ALWAYS have hope and potential to do better. I truly believe that someday I will learn how to live free from my emotional pull towards the abuse of food.

So I want to apologize if I've ever made anyone feel as though I felt I was better than them or anything of the sort. If anything I could go on all day long about my constant failure.

For example today I had a serious meltdown that involved a prolonged session with Mrs. Field's and a prescription she handed me. Needless to say this evening I am feeling the overwhelming regret of yet another loss. Another shortcoming.

I am currently continuing to wrestle things out, emotionally, mentally and physically with what I put in my body.

The amount of thought that I expend on what goes in my body is never ending. Right now I would bet thousands of thoughts a day surround my mind regarding my nutritional intake. Some positive and free, many negative and agitated.

Last year when I decided to 'eat clean' it changed my lifestyle. Slowly but surely old habits crept in and have caused the battle to rage on.

For the amount of time I was free it felt amazing and was real. I pursue freedom again.

Just to recap: freedom doesn't equal a certain number (either on the scale or around my waist, though it will evidence itself through those means if those numbers aren't healthy for me).

Freedom does equal more energy in my mind freed up to think about things other than 'doing well with food today'.
Freedom is going into a store and not feeling immediate anxiety over if I'll 'mess up' my day or not.
Freedom is being comfortable with my choices and knowing they are good.
Freedom is safety.
Freedom is really living within the limits without noticing they are even there.

I am far from perfect. But I still pursue perfect freedom.

I will get there because I won't give up.

And to my friend who I met in the grocery store: I know you'll worry about what I thought after - don't! It's all good.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Been a while

I've really slowed down on the writing lately, but only in blog form. I've really just been trying to decide if and how I should possibly go ahead with a different blog.

Will it benefit anyone? Will it benefit me? Is it purely narcissistic? Do I have the time and energy to put into what I want to? (As I'd like it to be daily). Am I ready to be honest even more openly? (Though I know I'd remain more guarded than on this blog - I may need to keep it as a back up).

Though its just a little thing, blogging, it had shown me that it has the power to do big things, whether positive or negative.

In other news ...

I've returned to facebook which I'm also torn about.

I really enjoy the easy access to friends and connecting with people and being 'in the know', but on the other hand there's the compulsion to check it as well. I'm doing far better with it than when I left and I plan on that to continue but the issues of constant wondering of whether you ticked someone off, or if what so and so said was supposed to irritate you or you're reading into it. It's all that non sense that makes me wonder if it's all that good.

I will say that I chose to share our news (with Wally's permission) about the adoption and it was probably one of the greatest points and positive moments during this adoption (aside from telling Wally's family and some very heartfelt e-mails from some of you readers).

Hearing wonderful wishes from people and so many that were accepting of our decision was amazing and worth my cheating and going back on a month early. I'm sure some people think less of me for breaking my commitment to staying off until my 10 K but I'd rather like to see it as success to have remained quiet for the 2 1/2 months that I did. It wasn't a need at all to go back on, since I got very used to not going on and I learned that when I did go on once a week to just see who got pregnant and who had babies and see their pictures that really all in all real life is not the facebook world, it's lived outside of it. When facebook becomes a world you think is truly real and all there is, that's when problems happen.

I hope to stay on track and really take the time to think things through as I venture on with it. I'm not perfect. But neither is anyone else.

In other other news...

In 4 days I'm officially on vacation and off to the land of warmth and one of my closest friends. I'm looking forward to a break in life hear and time away to think (amidst the children!) and consider what to do and how to approach the next several months in terms of getting my PT course done, possibly writing a new blog with others involved and brainstorming a new small business venture with my friend. and of course the biggest thing ... becoming parents and what that will look like.

I heard a great quote the other day that really made me think. This isn't it to perfection but here's the gist ....

It was something to the effect of: 'Your passion is what you are doing while you are procrastinating doing what you have to do'. (This really is a rough version of it but I think it comes across).

I want to know what that is. And more importantly, I want to do it.

Monday, August 22, 2011


Just a quickie to say I have been writing a lot lately but it's remained in my head.

I think I'm preparing for my new blog and trying to save my thoughts. I do have something to write about soon though. Something exciting for us.

I'm still here and will be back soon!

Eva :)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

For the committed ones ...

A second post today. Short and sweet.

No doubt it'll blow your mind.

ok, maybe I'm being a tad sarcastic but here you go...

* there are a lot more stressors to my job (for me, maybe I'm just not tough enough) than first thought

* being more positive helped a bit

* I love coming home

* A young lady I support who I didn't see last week for long due to a trip, came straight over tonight and gave me a hug when she first saw me. This has never happened to me before and pretty much made my entire life.

* Humour may not cure the crazies but it definitely helps ... a lot.

* I actually did not know what I fed someone for supper tonight in the nursing home. Not a clue.

* I accidentally locked one of my dogs in my bedroom again for most of the day. Oops.

* I'm trying a popular sauce recipe tomorrow night with broiled tofu. We'll see if this vegan sauce lives up to it's name. (It's called Mmmmmmm Sauce).

* I'm starting to freak out about the fact we're going to be parents within a year or two. I know there's possibly still lots of time but ..... Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

* I want Glo to move back.

* For some reason my running has been crap lately and I haven't even been able to run 3 miles since I ran 5 miles a couple weeks ago. I guess one week off was a bad idea.

* I may have found a cure for my 'runner's bloat' post long run. However I did three things differently and there's no way for me to know which item did the trick or if all three are required. Oops again.

* In two and a half weeks I'm on vacation and will be spending it with Joy (my maid of honour) and her kids in a hot land far away. I'm looking forward to a change of pace.

* I'm watching my Sweet (oldest dog) lay peacefully on the shag rug he barfed up his poo on (yes, I said 'barfed up his poo' and no I did not get it wrong). He looks adorable ... and scruffy.

* In order to get love you must give it, in some way. I need to get giving.

* I argued with someone I support tonight that outside smelled like poo. She said 'no it smells like skunk!'. I said 'Ok, it smells like skunk poo!'. She continued to disagree with my theory.

* I wish we could chat. You know, get to know each other for real.

That's all.


400th Post!!!

Ok so I don't know if that means anything or is anything to celebrate as I blog for my own personal benefit but hey I'm all about celebrating .... well .... anything!

I can't believe it's been over a week since I've posted! I guess I haven't been feeling the urge to write. Or maybe it's because as of late I've had a bad attitude and I do try not to go excessive on the negativity here (note I said excessive so there is some permitted).

Also, I found that blogging/writing is sort of like exercising: If you keep on track it's easy to do but once you take some time of it's hard to get back into the swing of things.

Let's get back to my bad attitude.

You may have noticed lately my tilt towards discontentment in my job. Probably because I am. However, I was remembering in the shower today (I think a lot in the shower) that several years ago while I was a housekeeper/piano teacher/youth worker that I told myself one thing over and over and over 'It's not what you do that makes you happy it's all about your attitude'.

Taking that on as my mantra during a time when I felt at the mercy of other people and my bills was a lifesaver of sorts.

I said it often enough to myself that I began to believe it and not only that began to live it out. Overall I probably was one of the most fulfilled housekeepers around.

Now, I'm not saying you can or should will your way through a bad job or horrible circumstances whenever you face them but you can and should do your best (I mean your best!) to try to make the best of whatever situation you are in.

This is something I've gotten completely complacent with as I have adapted to my husband loving his work and us enjoying what we have. doesn't sound like it makes a lot of sense but I think that's what's happened.

There are always opportunities to complain. Always. And there will always be people that think they are worse off than you (and who may actually be). You will always be able to find someone you think has it better than you.

So, rather than play the game of self pity and 'I hate my life, everything sucks, it can't get any worse' I challenge you (and mostly myself) to play a different game.

It doesn't have to be fake or overly dramatic. You don't have to paint every room in your house a positive pastel or a bright happy colour (although you may like the neon green colour wally and I enjoyed in our last home). You do not have to say you are doing great when maybe you just aren't. BUT we can do our best to be thankful for what we do have.

One little trick that's helped me in the past and may help me now is thinking of that thing we despise or are discontented with in our life right now and imagine it without it.

No, I don't mean (in my case) imagining yourself with a different job, I mean imagining yourself WITHOUT a job at all.

How great would your life be then? Do you depend on your income? Do you need to work to eat?

Perhaps you don't need to actually be working and this is a good exercise to challenge yourself to live out something else.

Or maybe you'll realize your life without a job at all would be far more stressful and unhappy than with the one you have. In that case you need ot do your best to be thankful for the overall good what you have gives to you and then maybe a few more to keep you hanging on.

If you feel like you are not happy doing that job (this is my example) than maybe you then (as you are thankful) spend a little time each day/week/month devoted to dreaming, brainstorming and pursuing something that may bring you more fulfillment. At the same time being realistic that whatever you feel is better will come with it a heap of more challenges.

Here are a few examples....

Current job: Developmental Services Worker
Stressors: Office Politics, Co worker apathy, the 'system'
Good points: helping make people's dreams come to life, getting things done, taking on responsibility, perspective
Desired change within this field: less hours, disconnect from office system (to avoid frustrations), keep professional

Dream job #1: Mom
Stressors: emotional exhaustion, physical exhaustion, overwhelmed, financial instability, doing a good enough job as a parent, marriage
Good points: loving and providing a stable home for a child (at least that's the hope), smiles, laughs, hugs, fun mess, seeing someone discover the world, giving of yourself purely out of love, seeing your partner experience all of these things will you
Desired change within this field: always enough oxygen, enough patience, enough, love, enough time, enough perspective to enjoy all it has to offer.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but the stressors in my dream job far outweigh the potential stressors of my dream job (and I likely missed a few hundred others, I was generalizing).

The grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. I must choose to enjoy my side while I'm here.

That shall be my challenge to myself and you in post 400.

Hmmmmm ... I'm feeling the urge to be thankful (sad it's only an urge and not unending automatic doing).

Today I am thankful for ... (in no particular order except for the first one :)

*my husband
* my home
* my doggies
* our families and the peace that is in them
* that I can walk down the street safely
* that I can walk
* food and water
* beautiful things
* that I can hear the buzz of the refrigerator (quiet)
* Skype
* my far away friends that keep in touch (seriously e-mail from them is like Christmas!!)
* my close around me friends that hang out even when I'm a crab apple that doesn't listen well
* books
* podcasts
* shade
* my car working
* Wally's car working
* perspective (even though the kicks it gives really hurt and are rather annoying sometimes)
* my job for now
* my little one(s) who will teach me more than I could ever imagine for sure

Monday, August 8, 2011

Still in love ... with lists

Why is it that Weekdays always seem so much easier to be productive in?

That's probably why I want more time off work during the week now too (it doesn't seem to matter when I just don't want ot work ... just be productive).

Last night Wally and I tried to help take a couple of baking items off of my to do list for today.

Neither worked ... at all.

You see I rarely follow a recipe exactly. Usually when I bake it's much closer than when I cook but not always.

I thought I'd found this miracle recipe for 'clean' brownie cookies. Until we make them last night and they were nothing like the ones I made before.

Instead of the perfect chewy consistency they were crumbly. Oh yeah, and we forgot the brown sugar. Oops.

Then came my first try at a zucchini muffin recipe. How can they go wrong?

They did. Very wrong. I think it was less me this time and more the recipe.

Either way I was getting a bit frustrated with my baking tries becoming baking failures. And considering that was the main productivity of the day I was a bit disappointed.

I've mentioned before that I like lists. It's likely tied to my love of productivity. Which is probably closely tied to my dissatisfaction at my job (as you more often than not lack the feeling of accomplishing anything beyond giving medication, writing notes and all of the generally mundane stuff of life).

Sometimes if I'm on a productive roll and have accomplished more than I planned to I will ADD things that I've already done to my to do list just so that I can cross them off.

It feels good. Try it sometime.

It's not quite 1 pm and I've been rather productive (as is generally the case on Mondays).

I've cooked sweet potatoes and fish for dinners on the go. New oatmeal cookies (that seem to be pretty good), gave another try at the brownie cookies omitting 3 ingredients and adding the all important brown sugar. They were good but there's now something textural missing. I'll get it next week.

I just finished my upper body workout and have noodle limbs. And my incredibly bloated runners tummy (that grew after my 5 mile for the first time run yesterday) has improved somewhat.

I've emailed a couple friends, done 2 loads of laundry, 2 loads of dishes in the sink.

I've kept up with my Tiny Tower (which I'm getting close to giving up on), texted all morning with Wally.

I've yelled in frustration over slow technology, gotten annoyed with our new Scratchasouraus dog and am now sharing all of this mundane information with you.

I love the list I tell you.

Writing it, accomplishing it, scratching it off and telling you about it.

Seriously, I LOVE lists.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Side note

I just clicked on 'Next Blog' and found a blog entirely about prostates.

Who knew?!

A blog all about a gland.

There's gotta be hope for me and my new site.

Remember, if you have any thoughts or ideas send them in, anything at all!!

I'm brainstorming as we speak (or type, or read, you know what I mean!).

Things I ask myself

Why does my stomach creak like an old hardwood floor?

Why don't I pursue writing (even if it's just for myself)?

Why do I not spend more time with people I like?

Why don't I go out of my way to help people more?

Why do I feel sick to my stomach after drinking water early in the morning?

Why do I thrive off of a list of challenges?

How did I get so fortunate to find Wally?

Why has Sour been chewing his butt so much lately?

What should my next post be about?

Will I be a a good trainer?

Will I ever actually be a trainer?

How old will I be when I die?

Will I ever develop a debilitating disease?

Will I ever write a book?

Will I ever get paid to write?

Will my writing ever change a life?

Will my kids be respectful people?

Will they be ok?

Where will we live next?

When will Wally wake up this morning?

Aside from Wally who will be the next person to tell me that love me?

Who will the next person be that I will say 'I love you' to?

That was just the last 2 minutes.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A List

Once again I feel like I have a hundred things in my head I want to write about but none that I really want to come clean with.

Maybe I'll do a list post just to keep it simple...

* After 8 days I am STILL addicted to Tiny Tower (this is not good)

* Wally and I just found out that we may have to prove our infertility as we move on with our adoption (this is one giant, fiery post in itself)

* I am continuing to brainstorm about my new blog/site idea and think it could potentially be a great idea

* I finished the Kite Runner finally last night. I highly recommend it's harsh look at reality in Afghanistan (it's not light on the soul)

* I'm thinking I should make my training course my next reading choice (although it seems a little dry)

* I've decided overall I'm officially dissatisfied with my job (this has barely anything to do with those I support and almost everything to so with how management is working - both agency and 'the system')

* Having my new trainer friend show me so many new exercises has totally made me fall in love with working out (since I do it for health and not weight loss anymore (though i could still use to loose - yes, I just bracketed inside of a bracket) I'm not worried that I don't feel like I'm dying)

* Speaking of my trainer friend ... we are considering creating a small business together next spring when she's out of school and I'm done my course and ready to train.

* I've noticed by focusing on my health and lifestyle and omitting the scale I've felt so much better physically, mentally and emotionally, no more guilt or tries at a quick fix

* I know a lot of cool people with cool stories (chances are YOU are probably one of them)

* I thrive on deep relationships, I enjoy discovering and working on new ones but at the same time I still miss ones that seem to have grown out.

* I got to see two little brown babies sleeping in their car seats in the past 2 days. I melt just after having the desire to eat them (please don't report me).

* I used Skype for the first time last night. I'm in love.

* In a flash of thinking I may never get to motherhood yesterday, I realized I would be ok if no one ever called me 'mama' and I was only 'mama' in spirit. It's all the same job. The bottom line in giving of yourself.

* Though there always seem to be a hundred things going on around here I have really had a sense of boredom lately that I cant' seem to shake. Wally says I raised myself into a higher 'life bracket' (Like when you go to a nicer coffee shop one time and discover it's totally worth spending $5 on a drink that will give you a taste gasm so you can't go back to the cheap coffee place any more).

He says I've raised the bar on my own life and now I can't settle for anything normal.

I haven't' decided whether that's good or not.

I will keep pursuing the good things anyways.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Feedback appreciated!!!!

Hey bloggowers!!

Ok so I just wrote an entire blog post featuring what my ideas for my possible website are and Wally just told me I should not share them.

So in my ponderings of where I want to go with a potential website or blog I am asking for your help.

I already have ideas of topics and things I would love to include but since I have an audience (though potentially small) in front of me I would love to know topics that interest YOU.

What peaks your interests??

I want to know what deep, surfacey, funny, thoughtful ideas you may have. (Did I just cover them?)

I'm excited about this little endevour but I really would love to hear about what you think. What gets you going? Hearing a story about a pink skunk siting? Reading about how differently someone else thinks? Or, just hearing that you are always right? (Personally I like the last one the best!)

Share! Share! Share!

Be annonymous if you like but do ..... SHARE!!


Eva :)

Benefits or burdens?

I can't believe I haven't posted since last Thursday!!

Time goes by so fast!

Things that I've been preoccupied with:

* helping Wally finish up the basement rec room (looks pretty good, at least compared to the panelling before

* getting reacquainted with an old friend who I believe has been placed in my life at the perfect time

* my Tiny Tower (Wally did end up getting me a different refurbished ipod touch and now I can't go anywhere without my Tiny Tower .... it's a problem).

* dreaming - about a potential future business in the fitness/nutrition field

* how to try once more at cutting back my hours at work (have yet to be successful at it)

* brainstorming about a potential new blog/website that I'd love to start welcoming the views and experiences of other people (possibly focused on the needs of women but not sure)

* having old friends and their ultra adorable, yet sometimes loud (normal kid loud) children visit. (Incidentally I was told by their 7 year old daughter, after she kissed my hand, that I was as beautiful as a princess, I entered a euphoric state).

* baking LOTS of new 'clean' treats that are AMAZING!!!! This Christmas I will bake again!!!

* taking a little break from training (does 6 days count?)

* being challenged by the idea of living 'outside of the box'

It seems that as my mind gets a chance to dream it goes crazy with new ideas and thoughts of what I could do to enjoy life a little more.

I'm once again at a turning point I feel. I honestly think I'd quit my job today if I could to pursue something that I would love now. I;m sure I seem flaky and non committal at my job but I don't regret my decision at all to go into this field. I've learned more than any book on life could teach me. I have learned how to respect those that are different AND see how NOT different from me they are.

Sometimes I wonder if we get so caught up in the expectations of those around us that we forget to listen to our hearts on the of our own lives. It's so easy to do as sometimes all we hope to do is survive another day.

After just recently earning (after 1 1/2 yrs) benefits at my work I now have no desire what so ever to continue on. In my head I know much of my desire to get benefits was to prove that I could do it. I've never had them on my own before, I've always relied on Wally and over half of our marriage was empty of them anyway (we're healthy people so it wasn't a big deal).

Now that I know I've done it and that if I ever wanted to I could again, I have no other desire but to say 'Cut back my hours please, I don't really care about the benefits!' Let me tell you if the shock wasn't already there that I had no desire to get full time benefits while working full time, would they be surprised at the fact I could work part time and still say 'no thanks' to part time benefits (which are actually really good).

I don't want to live me life tied to a post. A post that may not even benefit me (even though everyone says it will).

I have to say too that I am VERY, VERY fortunate that I am blessed with perfect health right now and I have no reason to worry about ditching the 'post', some people aren't so lucky. They would require a great deal more faith than I to ditch their post.

Notice I did not say I believed they had to stay tied to the post?

I believe (I know, easy for me to believe), that the only difference stopping one person in a more challenging position than another to go after their passion is their faith. We all have to have some, but a few of us need what seems to be a hell of a lot more.

So .... if you see someone tied to a post. Do them a favour and teach them how to cut themselves free, encourage them to, be there for them and cheer them on.

If you're the one tied to a post dont' let anyone convince you that what you see as a burden is your benefit. Only you can decide that.