Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I can't.

I want to believe this statement. So bad. I want to make it my mantra and say it all of the time, over, and over and believe it in every fiber of my being.

But ... I can't.

Yesterday I was at the gym doing a long awaited strength training session on my own. I had been avoiding one for a good week and a half. I had still gone in to do cardio because I don't mind it as much. I have had a few weeks of straying too far from 'clean eating' (not all of the time at all, just enough to make me feel a difference) so I saw no point in doing a kick ass training session as 80% is indeed what you feed yourself. If you are not doing that right you aren't really changing much.

Anyhow I'd finally decided that enough was enough and I tweaked those unclean eating habits a bit and was feeling back on track, which meant it was now time to tackle this training thing.


I decided in my head that I just had to get in there and do something. Anything. So as I warmed up on the treadmill I scanned through my old workouts with Dee and found one I thought I could mentally get through. It really is all in the mind.

I settled on one and pushed away the guilty feeling of knowing I could do a more challenging one and went about my 'back to the gym for the first time in a week and a half' one.

As I went through the first set of the first group of exercises I thought 'I can do this'. I reminded myself that I just needed to do one set at a time and then could take a rest and regroup. More in my head than with my body.

By the time I finished my second set of the first group I sat on the bench nearly in tears trying my hardest not to cry.

The phrase going through my head: 'I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't do this!'

As those foreign words bustled through my mind I immediately recognized them as intruders. They were obvious lies to me in ways I'd never experienced before. It was like someone was standing there telling me the sky was purple. I was like ' No, not true.'

I'm not sure when it happened but sometime over the last 9months my mind/spirit/emotions have begun to recognize the truth behind the statement 'I can't'. I'm not sure when because when I worked out with Dee I said it all of the time without thought or conviction. Now I honestly can't say 'I can't' and believe it.

I can't.

It's a weird feeling when you realize you are trying very hard to lie to yourself. You honestly feel as though your personality is splitting in two and you are having a conversation with a crazy person (of course probably by now you are crazy but who isn't to some degree right?).

Yesterday as I fought back the tears, red nose and desire to quit I wanted so bad to be allowed to accept that statement. I wanted so bad to believe I couldn't do it. That I couldn't achieve what I wanted. That I couldn't get through that difficult situation.

Instead the truth of 'I can' was staring me square in the face not letting me give up. If it wasn't for that truth I would've walked straight out of that gym 2/3rds the way through that first set. I seriously considered doing that too.

But I didn't. I couldn't. Because if I had I would've been calling what I know is real truth a lie, in turn making me a liar. I don't want to be a liar.

Sometimes the truth sucks even when it holds the potential for every good thing, because it's asking us to believe in it enough to act on it. And acting on it is taking responsibility for what you know.


Who knew knowing 'I can' could be such a big task? Because that means I can do anything that is on my heart to do. Yikes!

We humans are much more comfortable with 'I can't' because it limits us to only what we can see or understand. Though often times I want to believe 'I can't' and my life would likely be much simpler, it would also lack the excitement, the growth, the relationships and the change that 'I can' brings.

Before you think I'm running for a spot in Obama's government (and I'm not saying that would be bad, just that I'm not getting into politics), I'm not. I'm just sharing want can be an incredible truth if you let it in.

I realize there are many things in life you don't have control over, but you do have control over how you look at it right?

I can't = limitations

I can = limitless