Tuesday, November 16, 2010

In a nutshell

My day in a nutshell ...

Woke up.
Discovered 7 bites on the top half of my body that were really itchy and red. Wondered what creature did this.
Made yummy 'clean' pancakes with blueberry sauce.
Got into a disagreement with Wally.
Regretted not kissing him good bye before he even left.
Got ready for the gym.
Got distracted by the dishes.
Got distracted by facebook.
Wrote a short blog.
Decided not to go to the gym.
Felt bad for avoiding a weight training session.
Got showered and ready for the day.
Felt sad for no apparent reason.
Sulked in my bed while watching 'Til Debt Do Us Part' episodes for 2 hours until I had no choice but to finally do the dishes.
Took the dogs out and make my lunch to go.
Left for work.
Almost accidentally put diesel in my car.
Was relieved I didn't.
Arrived at my shift.
Killed a bunch of errands with the person I was supporting.
For the first time in a while really enjoyed my time with her as she had no weird 'drama' in her head.
Left that shift way too late to go to my next shift at the mental hospital.
Hated the mental hospital.
Enjoyed that Dolly was in a good mood overall.
Removed a ginger ale can from the toilet before helping her use it (without gloves). Noticed that there was no soap in the dispenser in the bathroom there.
Wanted a shower with my clothes on.
Left my shift.
Got talked to my a woman who seemed like she should be admitted who asked me several times for change to use the phone.
Lied several times about not having change.
Hated the mental hospital for making me lie.
Hated driving in the rain. Arrived home at 6:15pm.
Checked e-mail.
Ate a reheated sort of gross stir fry made with freezer leftovers.
Was thankful for it anyways.
Left for a meeting at 6:40pm.
Had a pretty good meeting.
Arrived home at 8:55pm.
Scratched the bites I couldn't scratch all day because it would have been too inappropriate.
Considered putting in a scratching post.
Enjoyed pj's that I made myself that are indeed 4 sizes to big.
Telling you who likely doesn't care but bored enough to read, all about it.
Sleep well (at least that's the plan).

Slowing Down

I got the following e-mail from a friend I have recently met who has embraced my fund raising like no one else. She was telling a friend of hers who was visiting her last week about coming over to help me and a couple of my friends brain storm about fund raising ideas and he requested to have a jar (that was a very long sentence).

He's Jewish and knows it's for a Christian organization but since the jars only had the website and what I was fund raising for he said it would be 'safe' to help us out...

"George took the jar to shul on Saturday during Shabbat and just left it ... he said that people have asked about it and already there is about $20 in change in the jar ... he said that one man said, sure that sounds like a very good idea to buy a motor bike to take the nurses into give needles, I will give you all of my change ... all he had was a nickel ... he told George he would put more in next time ...

so, it may be at a nickel at a time, or a loonie, or toonie, doesn't matter as long as they fill the jar. One guy put a handful of change in and there were several toonies involved. :)"

At first I didn't really think much about it as I'd just gotten home from work and was tired. But then I started to realize that this little idea has gotten into another province that speaks another language and has even touched another Faith culture. That's incredible.

The process.

I need to embrace this seemingly slow moving process.

You have a chance to see so much more when you are moving slow as opposed to moving fast. I'm going to try and look around a bit today.

To enjoy the view.

To notice the 'little things' that are actually 'the big things'.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


I'm very excited. My jar just doubled in the last hour!

Ok so it now has roughly $17 in it but that's not bad for a couple of weeks and only three people giving.

Tonight I have three people coming over that have committed to helping me fund raise towards my goal. This also makes me very excited. They barely know much about Compasio (except for what I've shared, which isn't a lot) and they are taking time and energy out of their lives to help me do this, without them I know I couldn't.

Maybe I should clean up a little. Well, at least put yesterdays' underwear in the laundry hamper instead of leaving it in front of the bathroom door. I'm sort of a slob right now, with the move and all.

We hope to start planning a large benefit tonight, the fundraiser that I hope will bring in at least half of what I have committed to raise. Yikes.

I have had mixed emotions since my commitment to do this, right now though nothing other than excitement and humility. I do have moments when I'm angry at myself for being so naive and other moments that I already want to give up. Right now I'm going to hang on to the excitement I'm feeling and ride it for as long as I can. Until the end of June if possible :)

That's really all I wanted to share today. It's not much but it's what I've got.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Living Giving

I worked a long day today.

I started with a couple of young ladies, moved on to the loudest woman on the planet. Had a wee break then went to another young lady who thrives on emotional ups and downs yet doesn't ever realize what's up or what's down ending with someone who snored through karaoke. I started at 7am and got home before 9pm. Shockingly though I had a mini epiphany.

While I was riding home with a few people I support from karaoke we chatted about the Christmas lights, I had commented about them being up already. We talked about the lighting of the lights in the park and when it happened. Then my mind wandered.

I remembered reading an e-mail that Wally sent from work about a new clothing and toy drive at his work. I had contemplated after reading it what we would buy and where it would come from in our new 'we just bought a house' budget.

I wasn't worried about whether or not we'd had money, I knew we had more than enough whether it would fit into our budget or not. But I considered the fact that in our new budget there's the budgeted items: groceries, heat, hydro, gas, insurance, etc. and how when we give, it's generally out of the 'giving' portion. There's a certain amount we set aside to give each month, so when we give that's where the money comes from.

It wasn't until I thought of Christmas as I watched the lights sparkle that at certain times we are called to give out of only what we have not our extra.

You see Wally and I have extra. If you are reading this it is likely you do too.

In order to be careful with our money we plan how we spend it. That is of course excluding when we decide to buy dessert out once in a while, and when we decide to treat ourselves to a meal out, or if there's a new cd one of us wants on itunes or a movie we just have to see. Sometimes those things just pop up, yet it still seems like no big deal to 'squeeze' them into our funds.

How often do we get extra opportunities to spend money on giving. Whether it's buying our friend lunch who's had a bad day (God forbid we don't get a tax receipt when we give!), or picking up a few extra groceries at the store while we're there.

I don't know about you but I too often get caught up in giving out of what I have rather than what I don't.

No, I'm not saying you should be giving on credit in a way that puts you into debt - that would be silly (although of all the kinds of debt to get into that one might be the most forgivable kind). But rather challenging you (and myself) to give out of what we don't have scheduled in to give.

There's a story in the Bible about a widow I believe that gave the last of what she had. could you imagine? When do we ever do that? Generally in this culture we are lucky if we even give out of our extra let alone out of what we're counting on to get us to our next meal. That takes faith.

Not only that somehow your needs will be met, but that your last possession will be appreciated to the capacity that it would be by yourself. I've often not given because I didn't feel someone worthy of my treasure because I didn't know if my 'investment' would pay off.

Why does it really matter though? Are we called to give always in order to reap a reward in whatever way? OR do you think sometimes we are called to give, period? No expectations, just growth.

I know this seems like a kindergarten lesson from Sunday School but it really struck me tonight so I wanted to share.

I find this lesson a little scary but one I hope to put into practice. I think I'm going to try and give out of my budget as well. So if I had $50 give some of it.
It's small but it would be a sacrifice for me. I would feel it. I would notice. It would mean something more than a percentage or just a predetermined number.

Well I'm half asleep on my way to becoming whole asleep.

I hope you got something out of this.

Pretty basic: give. From where you feel it. Then you know your alive and your giving is too.

I know this great place you could send your money too ;)

(Ok, you didn't expect me not to try right?)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Attention: Harvesting results requires planting first!!

'We're getting married', 'We're buying a house', 'Going to Cuba on vacation', 'We're gonna put on a Christmas play', 'I'm raising $10 000 for non profit', I'm going to college', 'I'm going to lose 20 pounds'. And the list can go on and on and on...

All are goals. All are focused on an end result. Just making these statements seems to make you feel like you are one step closer to getting something you want. However none tell you how to do it, what the process is going to be like, or what you may learn along the way. In the moment none of these things matter because all you care about is the end result.

I think I've mentioned before that I am the worst for wanting results yesterday. This is something my trainer was kind enough to point out to me months ago and frustrated both him and Wally to no end (it still frustrates poor Wally). I get so focused on what I want in the end that I forget that there's a learning curve, a process, a growth that needs to happen on my way. Sometimes I just blatantly refuse to do what I'm supposed to do and I still get frustrated that I'm not where I want to be. Then I have to wake up and see that I didn't follow the 'directions' to get to where I planned on going and that obviously I shouldn't expect to be anywhere but where I am in that moment. And where ever that is could be great but I'm so focused on the end destination I don't notice the beautiful waterfalls, incredible views or anything else that is around.

I am trying to learn to accept the process (geez, you'd think I'd just get it and move on to a new lesson already!!). Not only that but to ENJOY the process.

As I am in the throws of fund raising I check my donation link every couple of days and see it stand still I panic a little and wonder what I should do. What I am missing is that I am doing lots right now to prep my little fund raising garden and that generally when you are weeding, tilling soil, and planting seeds you aren't noticing any flowers growing around you. Duh.

This of course applies to pretty much any sort of lofty goal one has in life.

The other day as I was deep in thought over how to acquire $10 000 before the end of June 2011 I, out of no where, realized that in this journey to get to that goal was a process. A process that exceeds any result. A process that could, if I allowed it to, change who I am. It could open my eyes, open my heart, plant a seed and grow something beautiful I couldn't possibly see in a mere $10 000 cheque.

I have already begun to see glimpses of my own selfishness and self-centredness that don't leave me feeling so great. I can only imagine what this could potentially teach me as I pursue to enjoy the process of this opportunity.

So I am now going to refocus a bit and try to accept and embrace what comes of this mini adventure to raise $10 000. I'm sure I will be humbled.

Each day I go to my garden of 'promise' I hope to enjoy the fact that the soil is there, that the seeds are alive, that no garden grows or looks beautiful with lots of weeds, nor is it appreciated as much as it should be without the efforts to get rid of those weeds. I want to embrace the slow and steadiness of it's growth and appreciate each little bud and leaf. I will hopefully trust other gardeners to come it and help me care for it and know that they may often know better what to do than I.

Maybe I'll grow to love gardening. Miracles happen.

What a perfect garden to fall in love with. Than one that harvests promise.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I can't.

I want to believe this statement. So bad. I want to make it my mantra and say it all of the time, over, and over and believe it in every fiber of my being.

But ... I can't.

Yesterday I was at the gym doing a long awaited strength training session on my own. I had been avoiding one for a good week and a half. I had still gone in to do cardio because I don't mind it as much. I have had a few weeks of straying too far from 'clean eating' (not all of the time at all, just enough to make me feel a difference) so I saw no point in doing a kick ass training session as 80% is indeed what you feed yourself. If you are not doing that right you aren't really changing much.

Anyhow I'd finally decided that enough was enough and I tweaked those unclean eating habits a bit and was feeling back on track, which meant it was now time to tackle this training thing.


I decided in my head that I just had to get in there and do something. Anything. So as I warmed up on the treadmill I scanned through my old workouts with Dee and found one I thought I could mentally get through. It really is all in the mind.

I settled on one and pushed away the guilty feeling of knowing I could do a more challenging one and went about my 'back to the gym for the first time in a week and a half' one.

As I went through the first set of the first group of exercises I thought 'I can do this'. I reminded myself that I just needed to do one set at a time and then could take a rest and regroup. More in my head than with my body.

By the time I finished my second set of the first group I sat on the bench nearly in tears trying my hardest not to cry.

The phrase going through my head: 'I can't do this! I can't do this! I can't do this!'

As those foreign words bustled through my mind I immediately recognized them as intruders. They were obvious lies to me in ways I'd never experienced before. It was like someone was standing there telling me the sky was purple. I was like ' No, not true.'

I'm not sure when it happened but sometime over the last 9months my mind/spirit/emotions have begun to recognize the truth behind the statement 'I can't'. I'm not sure when because when I worked out with Dee I said it all of the time without thought or conviction. Now I honestly can't say 'I can't' and believe it.

I can't.

It's a weird feeling when you realize you are trying very hard to lie to yourself. You honestly feel as though your personality is splitting in two and you are having a conversation with a crazy person (of course probably by now you are crazy but who isn't to some degree right?).

Yesterday as I fought back the tears, red nose and desire to quit I wanted so bad to be allowed to accept that statement. I wanted so bad to believe I couldn't do it. That I couldn't achieve what I wanted. That I couldn't get through that difficult situation.

Instead the truth of 'I can' was staring me square in the face not letting me give up. If it wasn't for that truth I would've walked straight out of that gym 2/3rds the way through that first set. I seriously considered doing that too.

But I didn't. I couldn't. Because if I had I would've been calling what I know is real truth a lie, in turn making me a liar. I don't want to be a liar.

Sometimes the truth sucks even when it holds the potential for every good thing, because it's asking us to believe in it enough to act on it. And acting on it is taking responsibility for what you know.


Who knew knowing 'I can' could be such a big task? Because that means I can do anything that is on my heart to do. Yikes!

We humans are much more comfortable with 'I can't' because it limits us to only what we can see or understand. Though often times I want to believe 'I can't' and my life would likely be much simpler, it would also lack the excitement, the growth, the relationships and the change that 'I can' brings.

Before you think I'm running for a spot in Obama's government (and I'm not saying that would be bad, just that I'm not getting into politics), I'm not. I'm just sharing want can be an incredible truth if you let it in.

I realize there are many things in life you don't have control over, but you do have control over how you look at it right?

I can't = limitations

I can = limitless