Thursday, July 28, 2011

To risk or not to risk ... that is the question.

I want to take a risk.

I'm thinking about it.

Really, really thinking about it.

I need more guts .... with less gas.

But definitely more guts.

We'll see.

I just know that there's a better me out there to be had.

Waiting for me to be had.

Just need to take a risk.

More thinkin'

I only have a few minutes but I thought I'd shoot out a post. Nothing special.

I really wanted to workout today and was even looking forward to doing the workout my new trainer friends created for me but it's one of those days that I would love to stay in bed for. In a good way and in a bad way.

It's raining.

I LOVE rainy days (now that we've had some sunny ones to help with my sads).

I love the feeling of being at home all cozy and just hanging out.

I also am tired from my super long but not bad day yesterday and my frustrating end to my Tuesday.

I got into the shower this morning and barely got myself out. I'm sure I was in there for 30 minutes or longer. (Sorry about the water bill Wally).

Though I was disappointed not to get to try my workout on my own I loved the extra time I took just to wallow in glumness and let the day ease into me.

I really thought a lot in the shower (as I generally seem to) about my job.

Why do I not feel satisfied? Why do I feel the need to stick up for co workers or find justice for those I support? (At least that's what I think I'm doing). Why can't I just be happy with my decent schedule of decent people?

But I'm not.

I have this nagging desire to explore my interests. My true interests.

I always thought once I achieved a goal and lived a dream I'd feel fulfilled enough to just coast I guess. I'm learning that's not the way it goes.

Instead, more dreams bud and flourish, stronger desires develop to try new things. It doesn't stop.


Currently I'm excited about fitness and nutrition. Not in an 'I'm perfect, look at my hot body, I've got it all right' sort of way. But in an 'I'm NOT perfect, I am working on my super amazing body, but more importantly my super amazing mind and what it is thinking' sort of way.

I have a real and strong desire to help others battle their self beliefs. I want to meet people where they are at and help walk them through to permanent freedom from their mind/body struggles relating to who they are, what they can do and who they want to be.

Sounds like a bit more than fitness and nutrition.

I get excited at the thought of sharing healthy and more importantly yummy treats and food with people that want to learn. My heart flutters at the idea of training people how to exercise and take care of their bodies in order to respect what they've been given.

I also really want to do all this in a REAL and relative manner without any false hope that it happens overnight or without a lot of self exploration (especially for people like me who have struggled for so long in ways unseen).

I feel the way about this dream the same as I did when I dreamt of going back to school.

I think I need to keep growing the dream so that when it's ready it can be made real (wow I kinda sound like a new ager - forgive me!).

What do you dream of doing? What are some things you just would love to let out and try, maybe overcome?

Think about it.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

It's all good.

Though my knees are aching and my head is pounding and my body is completely fatigued ... it is: all good.

As I type we're having a down pour. Such a welcomed down pour.

After days without a real rain, combined with record breaking heat temperatures I have nearly given up on my already poorly soiled garden. Maybe there is hope for it after all.

Wally and I have spent the weekend tearing apart our soon to be rec room in hopes of omitting the paneling and making it a comfortable place to have a family room where kids can play and in the mean time (more importantly) movies and video games can be enjoyed.

Of course just like with any home improvement project this one quickly grew. We went from taking down loosely placed panelling and painting to repairing corners, filling a billion tiny holes and the unexpected disaster that was our once new (though very much despised by Wally) oak par cay flooring.

Apparently the issues Sweet had with my workout bench (that he got out by marking the workout bench) had seeped through the padding I had down for a workout area and sat on the wood, producing rotting flooring and even some mould.

Indeed our work (mostly Wally's work) multiplied.

Impressively though Wally was able to rip out the old, remove the mould and relay new tiles (that were left by the old owners) all himself. And though we had hoped to have had the room painted by now it should be ready to start tomorrow and with a little hard work should be done in a couple of days.

As for me, I've been busy experimenting a bit more with vegan baking recipes. Actually I just realized they were vegan a couple of weeks ago even though I've been trying many of them for a while.

As I've shared my struggles with you regarding food and my recent decision to enlist some help of good friends and very small attainable goals, I've also been hunting down some more variety in my clean eating pursuits. They've been going VERY well too!

In the past few weeks I've found amazing: Brownie cookies, peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip peanut butter cookies and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Just to name a few.

I've also found some great frozen cookies that are clean and easy to make and of course my favourite clean blizzard (soft serve made from a frozen banana!!!). Not to mention the clean granola I just made and cant' stop nibbling! Mmmmmmmmm.

I'm learning great tools and techniques to help me with my self control and how NOT to get down on myself for my vast imperfections. I feel really good. REALLY good about things.

In fact here are a few things I DON'T feel:

* Like I have to hold my breath until I loose a certain amount of weight and can eat the foods I really want.

Instead I am finding great (and I mean GREAT) clean versions of recipes I love and I feel no guilt about it and for some reason I am so much more able to keep my one clean treat a day rule no problem (of course, right now my idea of 1 clean treat is 2 or 3 cookies, they're small!!).

* Like I can't do it.

As I mentioned before I have chosen very attainable goals and from the reading I've done in food counselling the best way to achieve your ultimate goal is to break it down into much smaller goals that seem like no problem. Once I've aced those I can make change them a bit to get myself further to where I want my lifestyle to be.

* Fat, bloated or like a loser.

Nope. Instead I feel healthy, in control and successful (no, 'in control' isn't really related to 'bloated' ha ha!!)

In other news.... today was my 'long run' day and I completed once again my longest run yet = 4.5 miles.

I did well mentally through it and was able to actually just run and sort of enjoy my smutty music rather than feel like a Sesame Street Character rhyming off numbers every 30 seconds.

Overall my body co operated except for the last mile I felt as though I could literally lay down and fall asleep. No, I didn't feel like dying, just sleepy. AS Wally pointed out a product of not enough carbs - something every girl wants to hear!! (Btw, I had cottage cheese pancakes with fruit sauce mmmmmmmmm).

I was even more impressed that I finished as the air conditioning in the women's only section didn't seem to be working and it was much more humid in there than the rest of the gym.

I am beginning to realize that reaching a further distance will take the gusto out of you for the rest of the day. I need to be prepared for that in the next couple weeks as I get to my 6 mile goal (2 weeks!!! Although I just realized today that 10 K is actually 6.25 miles - boo!!)

Oh yeah and I can't forget to mention that I actually SIGNED UP for my 10 K race today!!!!! As did my new running buddy for that day! I'm so excited, scared and excited and scared :)

Tomorrow I am also starting to train with a friend of mine once a week. She's going through college to be a personal trainer (she was also my first piano student - weird!!!!) and I got thinking about how she might want some practice and I could use a new perspective while I train to be a trainer. Of course it's MUCH more affordable than signing up at the gym and we both get to learn as we go. I'm looking forward to being pushed again and doing some new things.

Well, Wally's watching a movie downstairs I might just go read a book or fold some laundry (so exciting!!). I love down time.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Real life: We're not 17 anymore

That reality has smacked me in the face a few times as of late.

Sometimes it has taken my breath away momentarily. Other times it has left it's ugly sting for several days or even weeks to remind me how fragile life and relationships really are.

Last night I had dinner with a good friend who after much alluding and only with the realization that I could be understanding, did she share that her husband has a porn addiction. Which he's been hiding for their entire relationship that spans a couple years shy of a decade.

In fact he didn't even know it was an addiction until she pointed out that if you can't stop while you're at work you have a problem.

It was difficult to hear her finally pour out the anger, hurt, devastation and betrayal she'd been hiding since she found out six months ago. It is clearly still raw for her and the anger and hurt on the surface.

I sat there letting her vent and trying to only listen and give a few words of my own.

The kicker for me was that at this point her greatest hardship was dealing with her bitterness with her church. Over the fact that one would daren't share their problem. That people better not find out (not so much her caring but more the people that were there that couldn't handle their perceptions being thwarted).

This evenings open conversation of truth comes 6-9 months after another of my friends revealed to another mutual friend and myself that she was having an affair on her husband.

She told us everything. Her faults, her lies, her truth, at least what we knew of.

I remember leaving the coffee shop that night and immediately texting Wally saying 'We need to talk as soon as I get home'. The talk wasn't regarding my friend, it was about us.

A similar conversation took place this evening when I got home.

It was the 'honestly I won't get mad', 'I just want you to tell me', 'if there's a problem can we talk about it' talk.

This hasn't actually been the first time we shared this particular conversation. Another good friend of mine found this out about her husband several years ago and was enraged so really last night was a 'has anything changed from last time' talk.

Some women that may have been deceived already in their lives about their partners actions may think it naive to believe my husband when we tells me his truth. But I'll be honest, his truth isn't always what I want to hear.

When I came home last night Wally was not in much of a mood to chat openly about is deepest thoughts and feelings on such things. Instead I could tell something was wrong, that I couldn't know and that he was upset and frustrated with my questions.

Can I just say that's not exactly what I girl whats to be faced with after a 2 hour conversation with a good friend on the secrets of her mate.

I quickly recognized his behaviour as last fall I had seen the exact same thing and had the exact same pit in my stomach grower deeper every moment of his avoidance.

It was the night after our car accident and we had been on our way home from picking out a new car. We'd put an offer in on a house and were nervously thinking about home ownership again. We were chatting about the finances and how the 'emergency' fund we wanted to have in place this time before buying a house wasn't quite up to snuff. We'd been down the road of owning and fixing up a home and knew the importance of having some savings.

Wally started out by saying: 'There's something I need to talk to you about.'

Eva has butterflies develop from unknown caterpillars. Some thing's wrong with his tone. He's been keeping a secret ... for a while.

Wally: 'I didn't' want to mention anything. Since we're thinking about buying this house I think I have to tell you.'

Eva getting hyper and panicked (what's new?!) 'What's wrong?! Are you losing your job?! Are you sick?!'


'Is there another woman?'

Wally tortures me with explanation (as he always does before getting to the answer): 'A few months ago I got approached to do a contract that would bring in a couple thousand dollars. I took it. During your work weekends and weeknight working I've been working on the contract.'

He continued ... 'I wanted to buy the anniversary band that you've wanted since we got married. I wanted to finally surprise you and have it wrapped up in the Christmas tree on Christmas moring.'


Wally: 'I just think that maybe the money should go in our emergency fund instead if we're buying the house sooner than we planned. I thought you should know about the money.'

Eva: stunned.

Wally: 'I even went to a jewelry store and picked one out. I thought it would be a great surprise .... and there'd be a little extra for me too.' *smiled all coy like*

Eva: 'Wow. That would have been amazing. That is amazing. I can't believe you'd do that for me. Thank you.' (still in shock).

In the end the money went into the emergency fund and there's still no ring but the better gift was hearing the story of how hard Wally had worked to try and give me something rather frivolous that I'd wanted since we picked out our $59 wedding bands.

I'll never forget it.

Last night as I gave give a quick mini interrogation while on hyper sensitive 'my friend just got stabbed in the heart by her husband you better be on the clear pal' alert. I knew we needed to just take the opportunity to chat as we always do when devastating and not so devastating news hits one or both of us.

I had a feeling and a hope that my fears would be averted. So in my first 3 questions I asked:

'Is it your job? Is it your family? Is it a surprise for me that isn't working out?'

He just looked me in the eye and said 'It's fine, don't worry about it.'

Of course after I share with him my evening and time went by he spilled the beans...

He had bought an ipod touch for me on line that got delivered and didn't work. He was going to have to return it. He used his own money to pay for half of it (we give ourselves an allowance each month and he does wheeling and dealing with his gaming stuff and contract work).

I actually hadn't asked for one. In fact when he said he thought I would get a lot out of having one I sort of brushed the idea off. He continued to point out all of the reasons I would love it: our budgeting, my running, my weight training and of course beginning an addiction he had with Bitizens.

Since I was so luke warm on it (because I'm no good with technology at the best of times) he made the decision himself and ordered one to surprise me.

Another one of his tries at a surprise foiled again.

The heart behind the matter wasn't lost on me though.

While I was out prepping myself for a lengthy, honest discussion that could sting a little with truth. Wondering all the while if our marriage was indeed ok, growing and even good, my husband was at home conspiring to finally pull off his first huge surprise of our 10 year marriage.

I told him this morning it didn't matter. Nothing about the ring last year or the ipod thingy yesterday mattered.

When he left for work I was sitting in my writing chair where he usually kneels down to kiss me good bye. This time I stood and met him at the door, skipped the kiss and gave him a two armed tightly squeezed hug and whispered 'Let's be married to each other forever. Promise we'll always talk and we'll always try'.

He whispered back 'I love hearing those words. Absolutely'.

We hugged. He left.

I said 'Thank you'.

This is real life.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Come run with me

I have shared with you what my training was like through one of my runs on my way to getting to 5 K. I shared what was on my mind and how my body was feeling. I was thinking about having reached 4 miles (approx. 6.5 K)and how my thoughts doing so on the treadmill were a bit different.

Join me as I step onto the treadmill ...

First things first we need to press start. Then 3 and 'ok' as to not feel like a snail. I then take a moment to gear up and start my precious ipod I barely know how to work. My play list is strategically organized to get me through approximately 42 minutes of running, for only the second time.

As I'm doing this I am remembering that I have to put the incline up to 1% as to imitate running on an outside surface. It's not the same but it is more challenging than 0 that's for sure.

I start my play list (which Wally has entitled 'Hyper Workout Action' on my little mystery machine). I get into a good pace to warm up with. I bump the speed up to 3.5 and I walk.

My new play list starts with 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars. One of those songs everyone loves to hate because it makes no sense what-so-ever...

'I'd catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on a blade for you, I'd jump in front of a train for you, you know I'd do anything for you ....'

He goes on to name a long list of things he'd do for this 'mad woman' who apparently doesn't love him back but that he'd still take a 'bullet to the brain' for. One of my favourite parts is when he says 'Tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you're from'. The day I actually figured out what he menat I commented to Wally what a smart thing to say that was, need less to say Wally shook his head and wondered why I hadn't caught that line forever ago.

It really makes no sense BUT it has a good beat and build which gets the blood pumping which is exactly what I need. By the time the song is over I'm generally ready to punch in the numbers 5.7 (I've been adding .1 a week the past couple of weeks to get me up to a 10 minute mile mark as that's considered a ok average of speed).

I take note that I've walked a quarter of a mile already so I will need to make sure the treadmill says 4.25 when I'm done.

Then I start running. It feels good and the song does too. I'm now listening to 'Price Tag' by Jessie J. After asking Glo what her play list was like one day she mentioned this song was on it, I'd considered buying it before but wasn't sure if it would be right for my run. That day I knew it would be perfect for my running when Glo left as now it immediately remind me of her.

I don't know who Moon heads, Coconut man and P (is that even right?) are but that's how she starts the song. It's a great song and has a decent message about 'making the world dance' and how life's not about the money. (You'll soon realize why I point out the good message in this song).

I run easily through the song. I feel good.

Next comes one of my guilty pleasure singers - Katy Perry. I want to not like her because I saw one of music videos for 'California girls' and I almost died laughing. I suppose it would be fun to have a bra that squirted whipping cream but I'm not sure how that makes a good music video or any intelligent sense. And Snoop Dog was in it to boot. Honestly I just think he's an odd looking guy. I can't help wondering every time I see him how he's rich and famous when he looks so scraggly and puny. Oh well, who knows?

I listen to her latest single and feel like I'm 12 years old listening to something rated R (for my time it would've been). I hear lyrics about 'Last Friday Night' and what apparently teenagers do (my parents would have killed me). I hear the lyrics about a menage a toi and blush hoping no one else in the gym can hear what I'm listening to.

I continue to run without issue. Near the end of the song comes my least favourite part where the group who's having a great Friday night start chanting 'T.G.I.F.' over and over and I detest it to no end. Don't know why really, I just hate it. I jog through it and focus on the fact a new song will come.

It does and I am embarrassed to admit I LOVE 'Don't turn out the Lights' by NKOTBSB. It took courage for me to download that one (and admit it to any readers!) because I was never a boy band girl. I thought they were silly and inappropriate. Clearly now any standard I ever had for music has flown out the window in the name of running further.

Anyhow I LOVE this song just cause it makes me feel cute.


By now I'm feeling good still but consciously breathing.

It's time to get serious...

This is when I start counting. We're on song 4 of 12. I start telling myself '1/4 of the way there! Good job!' (over and over).

Katy's back with her last single 'E.T.' It's just weird and I didn't like it at first but it's single status hearkened my ordinary 'I like what everyone else likes' side of me. It's beat is strong and stable to get me through to a place where I begin saying '1/3 of the way there. 1/3 done!'

As I write I'm noticing a trend.

My next song is 'S & M' by Rihanna. Yes this should be enough to keep me out of heaven for sure.

I was completely offended when I heard the one lyric about certain activities done in the air and how it smells (I'm so sorry for my honesty here!). Seriously, who writes this stuff?! However I am starting to wonder if this offensive crap is out there for us easily offended to get us ensnared. I have a love/hate relationship with this song. Unfortunately mostly love though as it gets me to run through song 5.

Now I'm entering the possibility of the half way point. For this I added an old song I used to love power walking to. It's by Joss Stone, 'Put Your Hands on Me'

Sounds dirty. Trend indeed.

Anyways, I LOVE it, gets me going (running!!).

I run listening to those lyrics pretending hands are being put .... on me baby (ha ha ha!!!). I love it! She's just awesome. How many people can put you from nearly done to ready to run another 2 miles (while feeling damn sexy at the same time - which is alot considering not often do I feel sexy at the gym!).

I hear a lyric regarding a screw and pretend it's regarding putting up a picture so I can avoid confession later (yeah, I'm not even Catholic but this play list makes me consider going).

Next song comes on and reminds me of why I'm doing all this crazy running. 'I'm a Survivor'. I thought the half way point was a good place to be reminded of this. I'm not really into Destiny's Child but hey these lyrics help remind me of how far I've come, in so many areas of my life. I'm proud of this.

I get to the next song, number 8 and I begin talking again 'Almost 2/3rds, almost 2/3rds.' Keep running. 'Song 8, Song 8, Song 8'.

Which is 'If I Never see Your Face Again' by Marroon 5 and Rihanna. No explanation, just like it.

By Song 9 I need to hear that I'm getting close so Lady Gaga makes her appearance at Eva's personal concert with 'The Edge of Glory'. I get mad at myself for knowing this is an over 5 minute song. Not cool considering I have 2 more songs after this, but I keep repeating 'Song 9, song 9, song 9' and 'song 3 of 3, song 3 of 3'. Over and over I say these things until the edge seems closer (which incidentally seems to take forever). The saxophone part chimes in I hate it for some reason and wish it didn't remind me of '80s music. Oh well.

Oooooo next comes one of my favourite guys. 'Felt good on my Lips' by TIm McGraw. This used to be number one on my play list for running but I thought it might trigger something in me to give me energy for the last part of my run. I listened to him on my official 5 K and he just does it. This is just a great song even though it's a random country song in the middle of some serious trash (but trash that gets me to my running goals).

I continue my self talk 'Song 10, song, 10, song 10' and 'song 1 of 3, song 1 of 3'.

Nearing the end I return to Katy Perry with 'Teenage dream'. Indeed to make me feel like one while inside I am quite confident I'm dying. Saying 'Song 11, song 11, song 11' and 'last fast one before the finale!!'

This one seems long too but I remind myself of my favourite last song to run to.

And it comes ....

'Perfect' by Pink one of my favourite singers for sure. Like I actually respect her (yeah, yeah, even though I don't know her).

The lyrics could be my anthem, sort of. 'Pretty pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel less than perfect.' Every 11 year old girl needs to memorize the lyrics to the entire song and believe them (well they should wait for the beer til they're of age). I just think they're .... perfect.

It's at this point I check my miles and see where I'm at and slow back down to 3 miles/hr and walk it out to Lady Antebellum's 'Just a Kiss'.

I then feel out of this world proud of myself (although Saturday I began feeling nauseous around song 9 and wanted to quit I hung in so by the end I really felt ill, but still so happy).

I carefully wobble off of the treadmill, clean it off and do my stretches.

I then take out my ear buds and believe I am the strong woman I was always meant to be but never believed.

I'm starting to.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I don't have any one thing on my mind today, I suppose that's pretty normal though.

A few things that ARE buzzing around it ...

* I accomplished my second 4 mile run Saturday which I am so pleased about considering I took last week off of training. I'm looking forward to completing 4.5 miles at the end of my week (or early next).

* I finally took sweet to the vets and we got some miracle pills that prove he has allergies of sorts. They worked immediately and we are soooooo thankful. Sleep has come back!

* I started my PT course and finished studying the first unit this morning. I have two more units until I take my first quiz (hopefully this week) and then to complete the next 30 units! I have learned that this is more work than I thought but am also noticing that the first couple of units are the most challenging. I am really looking forward to applying what I learn. I LOVE learning!!!

* I have decided to enlist the help of a couple of friends and my journal (which I've never really done) in my efforts to abandon binging on sugar and work through the emotional parts of it. There's much more I'd be willing to share on this but I don't want to sound like a broken record or overly focus on something that others may not care much about or understand.

I will say I have chosen to make very small changes and to do so over time. It's about a lifestyle and balance more than anything else. I have such a tendency to rely on food for happiness, comfort, excitement and so many other things that it's amazing to see these things once you try and get it under control. Needless to say I'm learning a lot in this area.

* I've been a reading machine lately. I just started reading 'The Kite Runner' and ALREADY highly recommend it for anyone (no it's not a chick book). Within the first two chapters the author's style had me completely hooked.

* I would love to start a site between people I know who are readers where we could use each other as libraries. You sign up, we keep a log and borrow each others books. I know, I know, it's called 'The Public Library'. It's just not the same.

* Wally and I have decided that we are going to pursue to be more social. We've realized that with school done and my weekends officially (most of the time) free of work it's time to prioritize hanging out together with other couples or people. Otherwise we're bored out of our minds (even though we have a thousand and one home improvements to work on ... life's about people more than things).

* Yesterday I said another good bye to a couple that hosted the home church that I went to several months after moving here. They are an awesome couple that Wally liked as well. They came out to our big party last year and had a blast! I enjoyed coffee with the wife several times and enjoyed her perspective. They have a 3 year old son with flaming red hair and 5 month old twin girls. By the way, they (the parents) are both doctors and now are on their way to begin new careers. I will miss them greatly!

* Speaking of home church, Wally and I have decided to go back together in the fall. I may have mentioned this already. I'm so excited to get back and to be doing so with my husband. I love the teaching and pray that we can build a community of family around us especially as we enter this new phase of our lives.

* Another this I don't remember if I mentioned or not: apparently my dad has been telling everyone and anyone that will listen that we are adopting. Yay!!

I should go weight train.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Slaying dragons


Yes, when that word came to my mind this morning I realized that's exactly how I feel when I think about what has happened in the past few months.

I've had a relapse.

I know generally that word is saved for instances that involve drugs or drinking and their addict. Or perhaps an illness that endangers a life.

Though I know most wouldn't agree that's the case for me (and maybe it's not to that extent) I would say it is definitely what I've experienced and it's time I admit it to myself and to others.

If you've read this blog over the past couple of years you already know the 'issues' I have had with both food and my body image from the time I was 5 years old until this very day.

I have been having little flashbacks recently of the first time a kids called me fat. Possibly the first time I ever even KNEW that I was fat.

I was standing outside of my kindergarten room putting my shoes on to go home for the day, waiting for that bell to ring. When this first grader (who failed going through it the first time might I add), came up to me wearing the ugliest face in the world and said with the ugliest tone in the world 'You are so fat! You know that?!'

I'm pretty sure her face contorted all weird too when she said it. Like there was nothing worse than looking at me. Like my existence offended the world.

Little did I know that was only the beginning of would be the defining struggle of my life (at least thus far, and there have been plenty of seemingly worse things to have struggled with along the way - seriously, I struggled less with being molested!)

To people who grew up physically average, or just not picked on about being fat (I realize kids are cruel and they easily find other things to pick apart and I'm not the only one who was ever bullied in history), dealing with body issues is a much different challenge.

I've had friends who've gained weight later on in life that have said it was harder for them than for someone like me who grew up with it (being fat). In this moment I can't even figure out what their reasoning's were. I can't even try. It may have been the idea that they didn't know how to deal with gaining weight (because when you're fat from childhood you're a pro). They say it's more difficult because they don't realize what they've become in gaining the weight. Perhaps they don't believe they've actually gained it.

I think a friend told me once that it was hard to look back and see themselves skinny. I thought 'Wow, it must be nice to be able to see that in yourself. I could never say that'.

Even as I write these things the truth is right in front of my face but there's a clear disconnect between the truth and my brain.

All of the struggles that my formerly thin friends have I do too, only in the opposite form. They have a hard time accepting their new fat body the same as I have a hard time accepting my new fit body.

I know that they have looked at me different times through out my life when I've lost weight and said 'You have no idea what it feels like to be trapped in this body. You USED to be fat. I AM fat.'

My response is 'You have no idea what it feels like to be trapped in this mind. No matter how much progress I make towards a healthy life I can't seem to convince myself it's real. That it's me.'

Everyone thinks their struggle is the bigger one. I'm no different.

I didn't really want to write this post. To admit failure (in my brain I know it's just part of the journey, part of how I am getting to true success, that I really am getting closer to a healthier me - my mind is what keeps telling me I'm failing).

It's so incredibly humiliating to say 'I've messed up', 'I'm not there yet', 'I am seriously struggling so don't look at me as an example anymore!'

There was a time in the past year I honestly felt free, or pretty damn close to free. I felt good about my choices, definitely about my lifestyle and the healthy well rounded non restrictive way I was going about being balanced and healthy.

Although I will say that I never felt 'there'. I remember texting Dee on the anniversary of when I started with him and said 'I'm getting there!' and he responded with 'You already ARE there!!' I couldn't grasp that thought.

But after many changes through out the past year: going at completing the slaying of the dragon alone (once I was done with Dee), moving away from where my armour was kept, falling back into the thinking that a healthy life was a pant size rather than an ongoing positive lifestyle (and getting away with it for a while), all of these things have brought me back to a whole new dragon to slay.

In a way realizing that it's at least a different dragon is really very comforting. It means I've gone somewhere. When you journey somewhere new there are always new challenges but it means you've also learned a few more things along the way that will help you fight better.

You can never use the exact same techniques on one dragon as you did on the other. The principals are the same but there are always new things to learn to help you do better.

Though parts of me (ok most all of me) wants desperately to dig a hole and hide in my humiliation and embarrassment, there is a tiny piece of me that knows the Truth and will not let Eva roll over in defeat.

There's a dragon to slay damn it!

And a princess to be saved!

Excuse me while I suit up.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Things that make me feel amazing...

* Raindrops on roses

* Whiskers on kittens

(ok just kidding)

* Finishing a bottle of any cleaning supply, from laundry detergent to hand soap, from shampoo to body wash. It all feels amazing to finish. I don't know why it just does.

* A random e-mail of 'hello', 'congrats', 'you're so great', 'wanna get together'. Usually I'm the connector and the one that loves to get in touch with people but when they beat me to it, it's like Christmas!

* Finishing the longest run I've ever done (this one changes every time I pass my best). I feel like I can conquer the world (even though conquering the world take more than running 4 miles).

* The first bite of peanut butter chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory

* Getting a hug from someone who knows how

* Getting a minute to hold a new baby and marvel at it's miraculousness.

* Giving someone a pep talk and having them say 'Thank you so much, I feel better' and knowing they mean it.

* Watching real food grow in my garden (I can't say how excited I was when I saw my first zucchini!!!)

* Taking a few minutes to stand in the rain and smile with someone.

* Having someone 'get' me (especially my sense of humour).

* Catching up the laundry.

* Using up food in the freezer or fridge.

* Looking at pictures where I know people are so happy.

* Remembering our party. (I'm finally feeling the nostalgia out of it - more on that later maybe).

* A warm breeze while I'm sitting in a comfortable chair with my feet up and no where to go.

* Soft socks

* Hearing 'You are good at your job' from someone who means it.

* Having some one's face light up when I enter a room

* Hearing genuinely happy children play freely

* Having a clean kitchen

* Seeing 'No misspelled words' on the spellcheck.

* Time to think.

* A great sleep.

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget.

I don't mean just where my keys are (usually in the door), or my running jacket (somewhere running jackets usually don't live), or how to get to a friend's place somewhere in this city I live in (even after I've been there several times).

I mean sometimes I forget who I am. How far I've come. Who I've forgiven. How beautiful God made me (and others).

I forget that I am not who everyone told me I was when I was young. I'm not ugly. I'm not fat. I don't lack confidence and shy away from challenges.

I forget that I am able. I am fit. I make good choices and I love deeply.

I forget that I've overcome things that always seemed unbelievable to myself growing up or even just a year ago.

I forget that I'm a fighter, yet soft hearted inside.

I sometimes forget that I have intentionally created my life in most ways the way I want it to be. And ... that I love it (for the most part).

I forget that I have people that believe in me, that I'm not stupid or a failure.

I forget that I have the power to change my life like I've done many times before.

I forget that I can .... do anything I set my mind to.

I'm trying to remember.

I am beautiful. I am strong. I am more than able. I am a success. I am God's little girl.

One thing I love about being God's kid is that He is the perfect parent. He never punishes me inappropriately. He never tells me to stop crying because I'm fine. He never tells me 'sticks and stones ... blah, blah, blah'. He always listens, always hears, always loves and .... always remembers.

I'm working on remembering too.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I finally did it!

Well after a year of thinking about it I finally did it!

With Wally's support and encouragement, despite my mental struggles as of late surrounding fluctuating numbers I have enrolled to become a Certified Personal Trainer!!

There are many factors surrounding why I've waited so long to do this ...

* Would I look like a fraud trying to motivate others while continuing to struggle with food and body issues myself?

I decided for one thing I am just on a journey and there will be times I will go through smoothly and there will be times I will struggle and learn. Just because I'm struggling doesn't mean I am not supposed to continue on and follow the urge in my heart to do something.

I know that through learning more on a topic that interests me not only for my own health and fitness but very much for other women that may need a motivator that understands exactly where they are coming from and can hopefully encourage and be an example of how a real woman can overcome and build confidence to go after her dreams.

* Is this just a phase?

To be honest there have been times when I've doubted the idea of being a fitness trainer because it does seem rather vain on many levels and very much a cultural fad.

When I came back from Thailand especially I thought 'Seriously, what value would I be to the world teaching people about doing things that should already be naturally a part of their lives but aren't because of this crazy, lazy culture we live in.'

After a few months of contemplation I've come to the conclusion that for now Wally and I will be living in this North American culture where the reality is people don't know how to take care of themselves well, due to the industrialization of the food industry and the culture of getting everywhere five minutes ago (meaning driving cars instead of walking or biking). This is really just the way our culture works right now and rather than abandon an idea because in an ideal world it shouldn't be necessary I feel excitement at trying to work with it (along with my own story) to make things better in some way. Kind of like meeting people where they are at.

* Is it financially worth it?

As Wally and I begin to look more closely at our stewardship as of late and the idea of doing our best to live on one income I had to really think about whether doing this coursewould make any financial sense.

It's not a super expensive course, though more than a night course at a college and it is something that I will have to keep up every two years by doing additional courses of the same cost (but can be on different health related topics which REALLY excites me - Noutrition is next on my list!!).

However in saying this the certification is recognized around the world and highly esteemed. I asked my trainer for a referral for a noutrition course and this is what he recommended (I wasn't about to say I was thinking about becoming a trainer!)

In the end I will absolutely be able to train others in my home and likely even in theirs. This could be the extra income we want coming from me doing something I am passionate about. This also excited me greatly!

All in all I feel great about this decision (it really helps that Wally pushed me over the edge to do it with his support and mutual excitement) and look forward to continuing my journey of fitness.

Dee always said it was all about acceptance. Something I've struggled SO much doing.

Accepting myself, my failures and especially my successes. Also though, accepting a possible 'calling' to be healed through helping others.

This could be the greatest gift of all.

My hope is that by 2012 or sooner I will be a Certifies Personal Trainer.

I may not be the made up, perfect hair, cellulite free, ideal proportioned one that you have a difficult time relating to.

But hopefully that works in my favour.


PRN - 5 minutes to sit down and shut up

I'm pretty sure I've written on this topic before but it's in my head reteaching me something again so I'll let the thoughts come out ...

Thursday night was not great. We went to bed and I tried to settle into some much desired sleep. Unfortunately Sweet's little Itchfest (2011) had just decided to start up. Included in the performances were: 'Thump, thump, thump, thump' played on the hardwood floor, 'Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch' behind the ears at his sides and under his chin, not to be outdone by the serenade of the notorious high pitched cry of the 'Howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwl' that liked play on repeat.

By midnight Wally and I had gotten after him (which seemed entirely unfair but we'd had enough, didn't he know that he's an animal and he should be able to control himself?).

I got up and was in a state of Mad Ladyness. I raised my voice (ok so I yelled) at him asked if he realized I just needed to sleep. Also wondering, in my distraught state, if he could just stop scratching? I got out of bed and picked him up hoping to mildly shake the scratchies out (no I didn't hurt him or anything, we were just having a heart to heart).

Wally and I put the light on to discuss the matter.

Though we were both perturbed about the inconvenient Itchfest occurring in our room at ungodly hours (for us), we still both felt bad for Sweet's own pain.

I decided to take Sweet to the basement tv room and try and have us get some sleep (or at least muffle his thumping on the carpet down there).

I set up my makeshift bed on the couch and put the tv on and watched 'Cupcake Wars'. Obviously that's what you do when you are exhausted and need sleep.


Sweet continued to scratch off and on but seemed to settle a bit. I finally shut the tv off between 3 and 4 am. I tried to settle as well.

Then the thumping returned.

And continued.

I lost it.

I lept off of the couch and crawled to Sweet (who had moved over to the door to satisfy an itch) to plead for him to stop and once again give all the reasons why sleep was so detrimental to my sanity.

He needed no convincing.

It was there in the middle of our tv room I stayed just out of reach from my little Sweet. It was there on the floor I gave up the idea of a comfy re cooperating sleep that night while Sweet revealed a new rendition of 'Thump, thump, thump, thump' played now on the door that wasn't closed tightly.

Wally walked in and found me in this precarious position at 6:30am sleeping. He tried to rustle me awake but I refused. He came back 40 minutes later to say goodbye and remind me of my workday that was awaiting me. I told him if I could have I totally would have called in sick because madness caused by sleep deprivation had settled in. I could barely handle the thought of dealing with what I knew would be magnified annoyances.

I managed to get myself up to the kitchen when I remembered we were having company for supper after work and I needed to do some clean up before I left for work, yet I wasn't exactly displaying my speediness yet that morning. As I went to throw something in the garbage in my efforts to clean up I slipped and barely caught my balance in my sleepy stupor while noticing the pool of dog pee that caused a near fatal accident (fatal for someone).

As I grabbed tea towel after tea towel to through on the gigantic mass of liquid I notice I knocked over a cup full of dog food that has sprayed all over the kitchen floor as well.

I think at that point I may have had another meltdown and perhaps voiced my madness to the universe, perhaps in an inappropriately loud voice.

Then I went and had my shower and got ready.

By the time I returned tot he kitchen I gave up every ambition I had for the day and decided my main priority was to live through as quietly as possible.

I moved slowly and somewhat hazily through the next several minutes.

I made a shake, I gave up hopes of taking my usual healthy lunch and snacks and gave myself permission to eat whatever crap that landed in my mouth that day (and it did land very well).

Then I finally took sweet and Sour out for what seemed to be pointless morning constitutional just in the yard as I had taken too much time up already.

Then I decided that the next 5 minutes might be best used sitting in the lawn chair on our less than impressive patio in the quiet of the morning. So I did.

I listened to the birds, I closed my eyes, and I surrendered my madness to the day.

I may have threw up a few prayers as well but as I was pretty out of it at that point I don't remember.

It was there while sitting completely still and realizing and accepting those 5 minutes of nothingness as my pill of salvation for the day that I recharged.

Well, sort of.

I didn't hop out of the chair with any more energy than I displayed before but I did get up with a little more faith that I would make it to the other side of the clock that day.

I felt a peace about the imperfections that may continue to occur and that seemed like enough.

And ... it was.

When I arrived at my first shift at 9am perfectly on time (after 1/2 hr of driving through the city) I noticed that the door to the house I was going was shut and locked tight. I knocked. No answer. Yet their car was there.

I knew no one was awake and any further knocking was pointless. I vaguely remember possibly promising to call about something else before that day's visit. I never called so likely they never expected me. My bad.

I prayed they indeed didn't expect me and I went on to do some important paperwork that I'd taken on for that person so as not to waste any time.

As I left I thought about how I could've been sick and it wouldn't have mattered but what could I do now.

Instead I spent 1 1/2 hours alone in Walmart creating a sheet of estimations for some one's new apartment writing down items, UPC codes and price tags. I then was thankful for my mistake as it was a calm and quiet time that I would've had to do with the person I was with (who would've complained and sighed for the entire time). At least I was accomplishing something.

My day continued on to get better even though I was exhausted (and thought 'Oh my goodness how do young moms survive????!!!').

By the end of our day we had enjoyed a nice meal with a great couple despite my honest madness.

I'm pretty sure what got me through though were those 5 minutes that didn't seem all that affordable at the beginning of the day.

5 minutes that I would sit down and shut up.

Moral of the story: when you are having one of those days where nothing's going right, time is evaporating, and you find yourself in a near fatal accident caused by dog pee and over tiredness ... take 5 minutes to sit down and shut up.

To be taken as needed, with eyes closed, outside if possible.

Sometimes they can save your life, or at least your day.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Patio Time

Patio time.

It's good to get some patio time.

I have a good friend I met at work that invited me over for some as she's currently on a week of holidays. And though she's a couple of years younger than I she's got a wisdom about our job that I envy. She's been at it for 10 years (yes, and she's only 28!!!).

During our patio we talked about our pending adoption and her awaiting for the school year to come. You see she's going back to college to do something that she LOVES in horticulture. She is so excited and I am too for her.

I said so. Then I added 'I'm so jealous.'

To which she replied: 'Oh my goodness what are you talking about?! You have great things happening too!!'

I added 'Well, yeah'.

Of course I by no means meant that my life wasn't engaging in it's own great things but I was seeing her follow a dream and going after it with guts and gusto. I could see how happy she would be to learn and live out her dreams.

Though I am completely ecstatic about becoming a mommy at the same time I wonder how we will provide without me having to work (at this point we are looking for ways for me to just alter my schedule a bit rather than cut it out completely like we'd both prefer).

I feel like I'm inviting stress as well as the hopes and dreams I've had forever.

For the past couple of years I've just become at peace (or more just to terms) with the fact that I will have to work so I better get used to it and learn how to do it.

Yet as I sat on the patio and thought about it I realized that I wasn't really allowing myself to consider the possibility of not working. I'd given up on the idea of being a full time at home mom. And the possibility that I could ever find a job that I sincerely loved and felt fulfilled by. So much that I could actually enjoy working a bit AND enjoy being a mommy too.

Now when I think of my job while trying to raise my kids (no matter how much I have to do it) I think of it as purely a means of income, not enjoyment, fulfillment or a calling. It's like the whole idea of just doing what I love and as a result being provided for is possible.

I think I honestly need to allow myself the opportunity to believe in the dream of both. Will it be easy? No will it be without sacrifice? Absolutely not. Will it come to me on a silver platter? I doubt it but I'm still going to ask for a nice shiny one anyways.

If we don't allow ourselves the ability to believe something is possible than I doubt that it really is.

I'm not saying I need excessive amounts of money or a life without strife, just a chance to explore what brings me and my family the most joy.

I've always been one to believe in and encourage others to not settle for what makes sense or looks right to those around me (or them). However I haven't always been the best example of it.

Perhaps the best challenge for myself this summer is not something like 'Eat at 5 new restaurants' or 'have a Hawaiian themed dinner party' but maybe it's more like 'try to live on one income for a couple of months', or 'make a list of things you love to do and creatively look at how you could make a business out of them'.

Maybe the answer to my stressors (at least in my mind) right now about the future are the challenge I need to take up. It could be a lot of fun. It certainly would be an interesting challenge to explore.

If you have any thoughts or ideas on this please share!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Things I ponder ....

* Is it just me or is passing gas while wearing a thong weird?

* Why does Wally get so annoyed when I keep saying 'We need to get a compost?' (He corrects me constantly that it is a COMPOST ER - ie 'Just like a lawnmower is NOT a lawnmow and a hairdryer is NOT a hairdry ...'

* Is it possible for me to come up with enough material to actually write a book and have it be good? (I'm considering putting more efforts into my writing again. Yeah, it comes and goes).

* Why do I keep leaving my keys in the front door? It drives Wally nuts!!

* I keep losing stuff. My itunes gift card, my keys (that's when I find them in the dorr), my running jacket, my shoes, my book, my money, my mind. Why can't EVERYTHING come with one of those beeper things on them that helps you find them?

* What is the mysterious thing that has Sweet awake scratching his ass off in the middle of the night?

* Why does Sour think he has the right to have a snarling fight over the occupancy of Sweet's bed in the middle of the night, giving Wally and I both heart attacks causing us to nearly jump out of our skin?

* Why do I keep coupons for places that offer deals on combos I'd never buy in the first place?

* Why do I feel like I could barf up my bananas right now?

* Am I getting arthritis in my joints? And do you think it will stop me from running my 10 K?

* Why can't your hair get cut the same twice in a row?

* Why can't the spell check in blogger fix ot into to, if it can recognize fo as of? (It's crap, that's why).

A few other whys in a word:

Mullets, rat tails, Velveeta, tube tops, white pants over bright panties, woman who wear their boobs mostly on the outside of their bras, men who wear sweat pants, diet coke sold at fast food restaurants, expensive lingerie, hairless chihuahuas, cats, rats, fleas, people who drive crazy in parking lots (my biggest pet peeve), bloating after eating something healthy, the lack of promotion in human services, nursing homes ... to name a few.

I don't know the answers but I can ponder.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My name is Eva and I am NO longer a facebook-aholic.

Through a blip in my work evening I am back earlier than anticipated.

What's on my mind?

A lot but I'll narrow it down for you.

My new facebookless world!

A few weeks ago I decided that I would go off of facebook until I had completed my 10K run.

Admittedly The first week of my training I did check my facebook usually once or twice a day. A huge improvement from the countless times I went on before in a day.

I knew people weren't expecting me on there so I had to stay quiet (which is my main challenge with facebook .... and a lot of things). After a couple of weeks I decided enough was enough and it was time to hit the deactivation button.

I did so hastily one afternoon and have yet to wish it back.

I won't lie. I miss being 'in the know' and I miss people knowing all about my absolutely exciting life (cough, cough). I do wish I could've made the 'We're going to be parents!!' status update. I still may IF I go back on in the fall. All in all though I thought it would be much harder than it really was.

I miss exercising my sense of humour, the fun banter with people I rarely see in an everyday context (if at all). I did love seeing pictures of people's babies and hearing about people's adventurous trips.

But let me also tell you about what I LOVE about not being on facebook!

I love getting real e-mail (though it's still not often enough).
I love knowing there are a select few that go out of their way to keep in touch.
I love how less cloudy my mind feels. (I seriously feel so much less junk is up there).
I love not being in the middle of drama and using my status to make known my position.
I love not reading between the lines about different things people say
I love not getting annoyed by annoying people who complain about EVERYTHING.
I love knowing I am (at least on facebook) not annoying people myself.
I love not seeing people's drunken, slutty pictures.
I love that being off of it sort of feels like a semi vacation.
I love that my co workers don't know EVERYTHING about my life now. (Unless they are of the select few).
I love that life seems a whole lot simpler.

Pretty big list considering facebook is supposed to be a little virtual world of connection.

I do miss feeling the facebook love and knowing that people sort of 'get' me better when they know the facebook Eva, but is it worth it crowding my mind up with worry and wonder over what so and so said or did or whom I may have offended?

Nope. At least not for now.

For now I will enjoy my little made up contract to be facebookless until I run my 10K (possibly at the end of September).

For humour's sake though allow me to give you my would be current status:

Eva Robot is going to be a mommy through the miracle of adoption!!!! We're going to be parents!!!

I know, I know. It's nothing new if you've been reading but I want the pretend facebook thrill.

Feel free to humour me and 'Like' or Comment on it, (even though many of you have spoiled me already with wonderful wishes - We've been waiting 10 years to say these words, I'm going to milk it till it's dry!)

A couple hours after that status update I would post this one:

Eva Robot needs to cut back on the hummus. For many reasons.

Always hungry


It's not quite 1:30 in the afternoon and I have just sat down (rather unlady like for a woman wearing a dress, but I'm home alone) from accomplishing a ridiculous amount of work and will choose to relax for the next hour before going to work for the afternoon/evening.

I just watched a little boy who I'm guessing is around 8 or 9 years old wheel by on his bike. He looked flushed from the heat, his blond hair was sweaty and he wore pop bottle glasses, and by the way was not using his hands.

The first thing I think is 'I wonder if he bathes everyday?' Do kids bathe everyday? I would hope if they're all sweaty. Hmmmm, I'll have to figure this out.

I have time.

I hate that when I finally have time to sit and write all of the topics that have rushed through my head in the past week have indeed gone through my head leaving only tumbleweeds behind...

Yesterday was the day I said my dreaded goodbyes to Glo. Shockingly enough I kept it together. We had lunch at an AMAZING burger place called Relsih. There aren't words and since I'm not a food blogger I won't go on, but I could, I really, really could.

We also picked up gourmet cupcakes (since I'd never had one officially) to celebrate her birthday which she'll be gone for in August.

We exchanged gifts of goodbye and hugged trying to pretend that we'd see each other next week at the gym. the pretending worked. Unlike the previous week of blubbering I had done in Wal-mart, Chapters, the grocery store and at home, I did not shed a tear. I think I've finally come to the place where I realize we will remain friends no matter how it may be lived out in the future. I needn't grieve without hope.

We decided to initiate our good bye date at the gym with my longest run yet, at least that was my hope.

It prevailed and I ran a comfortable 4 miles. I realized I could've either gone farther or quicker as I wasn't dying by the end, but I was happy with how I did anyway. Beyond happy. I'm 2/3rds of the way to 10 K.

I was just looking online for an actual 10 K race to do this fall, as that is my goal. I found one in a little town near my home town. I'm hoping by the end of the week to commit to it. That is a huge step for me.

I've also been browsing running clubs in my city. I still have a difficult time referring to myself as a runner. I'm not lean (I've gained 15 pounds since December of last year, but that's another blog post), I'm not fast, unless you conclude that 10:45min/mile is fast, and I'm not all that knowledgeable (or at all).

But I need to get my socializing out some how and I'm afraid with Glo gone I'll run away from the gym and my goals. Although today I went to the gym near our house alone for the first time, that's impressive for me. I did almost give up halfway through though seeing as I think all of the women in the women's only section were where I was.

I'm trying to figure out what new thing to explore this summer, what new experience I should have.

2 years ago I started this blog and went on my notorious '40 Day adventure' where I tried 40 mew things in 40 days (well I only got to 37 but 40 was the goal). It honestly changed my life.

Last summer I took a week off by myself which included 2 days and 2 nights at a B & B alone. If you were reading back then you'll know that's when I realized I was indeed called to be a mother. Almost exactly a year later Wally and I handed in our first round of paperwork for adoption. Crazy.

And still, I'm bored. Yes, there are always things to do, chores to accomplish and priorities to make but you don't always learn from those things or get excited by them.

I just want to do something different, meet more new people, once again experience something brand new. I'm guessing next year at this time I'll be very close if not already experiencing something new by hopefully becoming a mother ... we'll see.

What can I do now? What can I try?

I swear. I'm never satisfied.