Monday, July 6, 2009

"You're doing what?!"

When we made the announcement to our parents and families that Wally would be returning to school they were full of support and excitement over our decision. No one felt the barn was a good fit for him and his talents and they knew that now was the time for us to go ahead in our lives to do this.

SIDE BAR: I just want to explain to anyone reading this who's thinking 'Big deal you wanted to go back to school, people do it all of the time'. We were raised to grow up get married settle down and have a family. Do the job you first get when you are young and don’t quit until you retire. The fact that we were putting a lot of this on hold was looked at as different, especially in the place we grew up. A place where you were born, raised, educated and worked your whole life only to continue the cycle on and on.

The first year Wally would be going to school for 12 months straight – the plan was that I would work him through. It would be a hard year for us but we would do it and then after that he would have a co-op term after each semester of school until it was done. The co-op terms are paid job experiences so that would ease the financial strain and definitely help get us through without having to give up our home that we had been working so diligently to update and repair in the most cost efficient ways we knew of. That was ‘the plan’ …

Until the day I went to Wally and shared my desire to get an education too. You see I had actually been the one that had wanted to go back to school from the start, but it didn’t make sense to us to do that. I wanted to stay home with our kids someday, so why would I be the one to go to school? Well I had been doing a lot of thinking and was challenged to consider the idea of BOTH of us getting an education. Initially when I brought this up with Wally we decided that when he was done school I would then go back. That way we could keep our home and not mess up ‘the plan’.

By July of that first year the longing to go back to school was so great that I almost couldn’t handle it anymore. I really felt we were being called to take a risk, make a move. When I shared this with Wally he was supportive (shockingly so – he later admitted that deep down he was thinking ‘Oh my goodness! You can’t do that!!!’). He thought about it for a while and soon agreed that I too would join him at school exactly a year after he went back.

This time when we sat down with our families it was a different story though. First we told my parents. I was so nervous. I figured my pop would be good (he is a great promoter of education and himself went to night school for 10 years to get a diploma), but I knew my mama would be a different story. When we broke the news about our plans for me to go back to school, rather than the elated voices and excitement that was shown to Wally, I got a silent reading of my acceptance letter – with furrowed brow. The first question mama asked was “Do you really need to go to school to do this job?” followed by “You are still going to work full time though, right?” Needless to say I was crushed at the lack of acceptance from my own mother but tried to let it go. Why did it seem that it was totally ok for me to support my husband to follow his dreams but it was completely selfish of me to follow mine – even after the 12 months of school I would be putting him through? (Not to mention unemployment in years gone by, once again another post for another time).

Smoky mama and Smoky pops (Wally’s parents) were far more accepting of our decision, which did make things easier for me to allow myself to get excited. The only catch was ‘the plan’ was now void. We had some thinking to do…

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ... college?

So I have to tell you that when I got married at the tender age of barely 21 to another young 21 year old I pretty much thought I had my life figured out.

Get married young (21 yrs old – done).Then buy a house, start within a year or two to have babies, give birth to 4 perfect children by the time I was 30 years of age, stay home and raise them, perhaps adopt a couple more, support my husband through whatever came his way and live happily ever after … the end. How hard could it possibly be to just exist as a normal little family.

Hmmmmm. Apparently harder than I thought.

By our second anniversary we had accomplished the first 2 items on our list and thought we were well on our way to getting number 3 started… what happened? Well, not number 3. Wally and I didn’t ever ‘try’ to make the baby thing happen, we just wanted to see what would happen if we didn’t try to not make things happen. Make sense? I mean I had always desperately wanted to be a mother – it was my only real goal in life. I didn’t go to school because of it. I always thought ‘Why go into debt for an education I’ll never use? I’m going to stay home and be a mommy, that’s all I want’. However with that being said we never wanted to force things to happen either. We had watched different couples focus on getting pregnant so much that it seemed they forgot why they were together in the first place. A close relative of mine had ended up with triplets (at age 27) after starting the fertility process shortly after pursuing pregnancy, five years later they had another child all on their own. I’d also witnessed an aunt and uncle try to get pregnant for 10 years and in the end adopted a beautiful little girl from China. Ten years of heartache and abuse on her poor body, and no doubt strain in their marriage. Not to mention the fact that he was older than her by several years with 2 grown children, time wasn’t exactly on their side - it was good that they adopted when they did.

Wally and I just never wanted to lose sight of what was best for us as a couple or each other as individuals. So after a couple of years of waiting ‘to see what would happen’, we realized that we may never get pregnant. We then made a decision. No, we didn’t go through tests or go to doctors to find out who was ‘broken’. Nor did we make a decision to let everyone know what was going on so they could stop pestering us about having children or feel dreadfully sorry for us, or give us unwanted advice. Instead we re-evaluated things…

Wally was at this time working at a pig barn. You see Wally is not the kind of guy, (if you know him) that you would expect to be able to work in a pig barn. But for me he did, to save his marriage he did. (There is sooooo much more that goes with this story that will have to be shared in another post or two). I knew he wasn’t happy and I was finally ready to help him make a change. I begged him to go back to school. I knew that if we were going to adopt someday in order to have the family we always wanted that he would need an education that could provide a job that he could do with all of his heart and abilities. (I want to say clearly I don’ think that there is anything at all with working in a pig barn but this was not Wally’s dream or where his gifts were, he wasn’t really happy, just coping – I can’t settle for coping).

This was sort of a big step for me - to push Wally back to school. This would mean that for the next 3 years I would have to continue to work fulltime and put aside my hopes of a family for a bit longer. I’ll admit though it took a while for me to get to this point. I tried to just focus on him and his happiness (and of course mine too in the end). I knew that if he wasn’t doing a job that he got some sort of satisfaction out of he wouldn’t be as good of a dad or husband as he could be at a job that he felt more fitted to.

So after a few months of pondering and pushing Wally agreed to go back to school. For him, for me, and for our future.

How Eva and Wally came to be

I’ve been thinking and thinking trying to figure out what I should do my first post on. I didn’t want it to be contrived or premeditated. Wally suggested I write one that gives a little background to who I am and a bit of my recent history, so I am going to take up his suggestion and just type hoping that it’ll give you a window into where I am coming from (at least to start with)…

Wally and I met in high school during our final year. He was a year older than I but we were both graduating (we had an option at our school to go an extra year to prep us for university). I snagged him in English class for help on a project (since I didn’t know anyone else much). We started spending some time together on the project and as a result built a close friendship rather quickly. After several weeks we knew that we had to choice: a relationship or bust. We had a pretty close friendship, not the best kind to have while you are having a relationship with someone else. Wally went away for a training camp for 2 weeks and it was then we felt God speak to his heart and say ‘that’s the girl for you’. While Wally was away I had pretty much come to the conclusion that a relationship with each other wouldn’t work since we were from two very different Christian backgrounds that often conflicted with one another. We both realized this probably wasn’t the best way to carry on in a relationship so we’d initially assumed ‘Hey why not share everything with each other since we’ll never be romantically involved!’ (This is what probably bonded us so fast). Boy we were wrong… Wally came back and revealed to me that we felt sure that God had spoken to his heart that I was ‘THE one’ for him. After he told me that I was shocked. I had pretty much prepared myself to let him go so he could find the perfect girl for him (even though I’d really miss his friendship). I had heard those words from another person before whom I felt nothing for (and remember at this point we were very good friends but there really wasn’t a romantic attraction, we were relying on Someone else to help us figure this out). Anyways, I told Wally that if it was true that I would be shown the same thing and at that point I hadn’t been – AT ALL! Wally said that was fine, he’d wait (also words I’d heard before). Anyway not too many days later I ‘came to’ and knew that Wally indeed was right – we were meant to be together.

A little less than 3 years later Wally and I tied the knot. I think we only ever went out on one date-type outing (and that was before we were a ‘couple’). We went for ice cream just for fun and he insisted on paying – WEIRD!!! Friends don’t pay for friends! I was incredibly uncomfortable the whole time and somehow I got out of ever having to go through that awkwardness again. From the start have been great friends. (I have to mention that when we started out he was love sick over another girl we went to school with). He thought I was flaky and I thought he was a total geek … needless to say that changed and our relationship developed out of a common love for God and a deep respect for each other.

It all sounds so romantic when I write this now … but you will soon find out romance has never really been our niche.