'The heartbeat is strong!'

Said my pregnant peer.

She was very excited about her recent positive visit to the doctor.

I can only imagine that hearing those words would bring great comfort, great relief and great joy. They would to me if I were in that situation.

This was the same person who shared with me the day she heard her baby's heartbeat for the first time (not sure how we seem to run into each other on 'heartbeat' days but we seem to).

I remember, and you may too, that day I shared every bit of her excitement as my own after hearing from our own social worker for the first time.

Her joy was palpable. As was mine.

On this particular day, 'heartbeat update day' I was a little less joyous.

It was last week after we had gone to our first PRIDE class and had heard our first few sad stories of the potential realities we could be faced with through our process of adoption (although I have to throw in EVERY parent faces risks of heartbreak so really we aren't much different).

When I heard those words 'The heartbeat is strong!' rather than identify with the statement as I did the first time I felt a pang of panic.

My baby's heartbeat had weakened slightly.

Realize that as I say this that just as a woman who is holding and growing a baby in her womb also holds the the very workings of that tiny little heartbeat.

Wally and I also do the same for our little one(s).

After the night of our first class our hope had dimmed slightly and we (or at least I) actually felt the 'heartbeat' slow down.

As any mother would, I got concerned, I panicked, I worried.

My own heartbeat picked up.

I thought 'What do we need to do? How can we fix this? I want to take care of this child (ren) the best that I can, but what if .... ?'

Thankfully Wally is much more stable and less hormonal than myself and he held me in my fears and gently reminded me that it was ok to slow down, relax, and breathe. All things that would do our child(ren) well.

He was exactly right. Through out the past week I have taken time to think, release my worries,and take a break from solving problems that don't yet exist.

And sure enough ...

The heartbeat is strong again.

A-Men.

Balancing Act

I've spent the past few days around several first time mom-to-be's and moms of newborns who also have other children.

It's been quite the experience.

As I have been trying my best to develop and maintain a balanced and healthy view of becoming a parent, as well as dealing with the process of adoption (especially with the 'fostering with a view' part) I've noticed how differently my experience is than those of my counterparts in the 'waiting' position.

Yesterday I spent lunch with two co workers that had in the past few months each had babies. Both have other children. Both pointed out all the negatives of pregnancy and giving birth.

The old me would've latched onto hurt, sadness and depression at the fact that I (that I know of at this point) will not likely experience these things. I would've felt inward pain and a clear separation between myself and them as a woman that will not be giving birth to her children.

Instead at the moment of decision I clung to all of their negatives as they saw them, negatives.

I decided 'Yay, no heartburn for me! Yay, no getting large and uncomfortable! Yay, I can drink!' (Even though I don't really drink much at all). I actually began to feel thankful that I get to be able to experience motherhood without those not always fun side effects.

Point one for me.

I noticed the new moms-to-be were MUCH different with their demeanour. They definitely had their complaints: 'The baby's kicking so much! I can't sleep! I have to pee all of the time!'

For some reason I had a harder time with their complaints. All I kept saying (our loud once and to myself several times) was 'Be thankful'.

I'm not sure what the big difference was. The new moms-to-be seemed to be radiating with a glow. Seriously I think they had spot lights on them. Much more so than the veteran moms.

Maybe it's because the veteran moms know what those little creatures can do.

Either way when the conversation came around to our adoption process and I was asked how it was going or what was entailed I found it to put sort of a damper on things. (Keep in mind, that's just my interpretation).

Talking about long boring classes, intense interviews and potentially losing your kids in the end isn't as fun as seeing ultra sound photos, finding out if it's a boy or a girl, or hearing a heartbeat for the first time.

I do realize that we're also at a very unfun part of the process (of course at this point I don't see the 'fun' appearing for a while).

I've truly realized how incredibly different our situation is from the norm (whatever that is). Though I know that we are by far nothing special and people adopt and go through 'the system' all of the time (50 adoptions last year in our city of 350 000 people). Many of the feelings and experiencing we will go through getting to parenthood will vary a lot from our pregnant peers.

I suppose in the last few days my eyes have been opened to how important I feel it is to sort of get the word out to have people be able to understand what 'the process' is like. To hopefully 'get' that there's many forms of adoption, many pathways to it, and it's not like going through a drive thru at McDonald's.

It's also NOT just about papers, laws and second class citizens.

I think adoption can seem rather sterile, yet contaminated with the child's history, rather than celebrated for the fact that they are so wanted.

The fact is that our child(ren) will always have more than one mommy and one daddy.

Always.

Nothing will ever change that. They will always have eight grandparents and perhaps many, many siblings.

Though they may not have contact with their bio family (or perhaps they will for years to come), they exist and our children have every right to know those facts when they are capable of understanding them and it is safe.

This is our reality.

Right now as I face people in 'typical' growing family scenarios I must keep balanced in my emotions and feelings surrounding them. I must keep in mind that I cannot expect others to understand my situation if they've never been shown it (or been in it). I must remember that my husband and I are CHOOSING to expand our family this way and we whole heartedly want to do this. Because we truly do.

I am very happy that with each passing day I feel stronger in our choice to do this and even more so that Wally feels the same way.

I am thankful God is growing us both through this experience and giving us the necessary wisdom to deal with one thing at a time and not panic and run away.

Wally keeps reminding me 'Anything worth having is worth fighting for'. And though I don't want that to sound negative in that we're fighting the 'system', we are fighting off others' expectations, our own expectations and what feels easiest to do at times.

I won't be perfect, because I'm not perfect. But I'll do my best to balance my way through this crazy road to parenthood.

Thinkin' Instead of Drinkin'

Well, as long as you don't counted anything with the words 'salted caramel' in the title.

I have found that the gentle kick in the pants Wally gave me a couple days ago regarding my leaving all of my belongings all over the house (I mean where they aren't supposed to live) has helped me get into some sort of gear.

I have spent the weekend catching up on all of the laundry (I still hadn't done any vacation laundry which leaves the underwear situation to be desired - I wore clean ones but there weren't much to the ones I had left). I've also tidied up, unpacked, done a little sorting, half cleaned out the jungle that keeps regrowing in our yard, and finally painted the garage door and trim on the garage (that's been waiting since spring to be done). I've also got a bit more Christmas shopping done (YAY!)

This has definitely helped me to be able to enjoy the down time I've had without guilt or stress seeing and thinking of all the things I need to do.

While doing all of these things I've been able to take the time to really chew on the information we got last Wednesday at our first PRIDE class.

I've gone back and forth since our night of information overload about how exactly to approach sifting through the facts, our emotions, the future and how things may or may not actually turn out.

I've thought over and over about the idea of having our child(ren) for 3 years only to lose them. I thought about what life in legal limbo would be like, what bio parental visits might be like. What the adjustment period would be like compared to that of a strictly adoption parent.

I realized how much different 'fostering with a view' (to adopt) is than straight up adoption. Its' very different.

There's little to no finality for months to years.

There's the potential dealing with the family for a while.

There's the fact that technically no baby/kid showers should really be happening (I guess, I don't know the protocol for stuff like this).

There's the fear of bonding with the nagging worry that it's all for nothing.

I could go on .... and on.

Now before I sound like I'm trying my best to muster up support for one seriously happening pity party I'll stop and let you in on the products of all my thinking.

(I may need to think a minute on it as now I have seemed to have forgotten...)

Oh yes, I've got it.

Whether you get pregnant naturally, through invetro, a surrogate, or a planned adoption there are risks.

There are risks that your child could get sick, get into an accident, be hurt, be harmed, have physical, mental or emotional issues, or, God forbid, die.

No matter how someone becomes a parent any of those things could happen, any of them.

Sure maybe they don't have to worry about CAS reclaiming them but the outcome and effects on us (their new family) is the same.

It's loss, grief, disappointment, hurt, sadness, anger, feeling of life being unfair, feelings of no one understanding, and I could once again, go on and on.

As I've taken time to think on our situation and our thoughts on how to proceed (either continuing with fostering to adopt or straight adoption) I realize that no matter how you become a parent or for however long, you are at risk of all of these things. People think I will be at a higher risk but they are probably the ones who have perfectly healthy children that return love as planned and have yet to experience one of these losses (I'm not sure how it's possible for this to happen as surely at some point every parent feels at least one of these emotions).

The gentleman of the couple I had mentioned before that really encouraged us to just go ahead and do what we felt to do with the adoption and not give people's opinions much thought, encouraged me when I shared my overwhelming feelings this week.

He said 'It's just like when the doctor gives you a new prescription, he is legally obligated to give you the facts first to allow you to make the decision'.

Then I realized, MOST of the time when you are given the ugly facts they are the minority and initially they scare you out of your wits because who really wants hair to grow on their tongue or their toe nails to turn green? But it's better than having a worm growing in your guts right? (ok so I don't actually know the side effects for tape worm drugs ...)

As each day passes I'm trying my best to relax and take one tid bit of information at a time (even though they are feeding you feasts of it every Wednesday night).

I'm going to let go of what my dream family is because no one's family ends up the way they think and most times they wouldn't change a thing (well except during family holidays when people get opinionated and have to share a conversation with you know who and the alcohol needs to come out).

I'm going to try to focus on the idea of being a good parent rather than the baby showers (or whatever adopted kids get when they're not babies).

I always get annoyed when people get wrapped up in planning a fairytale wedding and forget that when they wake up the next day neither one of them look like the characters they played.

I think that perhaps I need to apply that perspective to this.

The magical moment new parents often share a few minutes after their babies safe arrival may not happen for us until months or even years later.

But I'm telling you, when it finally does, I'm going to savour every second of our newly born family.

Adventure Day 18 – A conversation on ‘The kid thing’ …

Yesterday I was privileged to meet with a new friend I have gotten to know through this blog – we had lunch a week or so ago with a mutual friend and through that decided to do ‘coffee’ together this week. We met at Tim’s around noon and didn’t leave for nearly three hours! Needless to say we found a lot to talk about and were able to share many similar experiences we’ve had in one subject in particular. What’s that you ask? What I affectionately refer to as ‘The kid thing’.

In my second or third post I did describe in a little bit of detail mine and Wally’s experiences regarding ‘The kid thing’. If I knew how to link I would do that, but since I still have to learn I’ll put you on a scavenger hunt and hint that it’s one of the two I mentioned.

‘The kid thing’… from talking with my new friend yesterday (as well as the couple from the other night) I’ve learned that childless couples have a few things in common:
1) People pester, pester, pester you about ‘the kid thing’ even if you have already hinted HEAVILY that you are doing your part
2) If you haven’t hinted heavily expect the pestering to be 10 times worse
3) You can come out and say clearly that you do indeed want to have children but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and you are ‘ok’ and they think you are being selfish for choosing to enjoy the time you have together rather than pine endlessly for what others have
4) The only people that really seem to get compassion (and I’m not saying pity, because I don’t want pity, but compassion would be nice), are the ones that have gone through every test under heaven, chosen to do so and are absolutely visibly, emotionally, mentally distraught over it, and are drawn to others who are these things.
5) People expect that if you can’t have kids, and do love them, that you should automatically go out and start the fertility OR adoption process to resolve the ‘situation’
6) People often think that if you work through your pain over the issue at hand you obviously didn’t want children that bad and aren’t that heart broken so you don’t need their understanding or encouragement about it. (For the record – it’s always nice to be understood and encouraged)

Now I know there are a few other things I’ve noticed too, but those are the main few that I’ve noticed recently (as well as from others Wally and I have talked to).

I am by no means here to bash couples that have chosen to do fertility treatments, go through adoption (which is where my heart has always been very deeply pulled towards), or that have shared their grief that in turn has truly helped people in this situation. What I want to do though, is try and give those of us in the childlessness position (who did or do want children) permission to feel free to finish grieving over this issue and move on to other great possibilities that life has to offer.

As my new friend and I spoke yesterday about this very present issue in both of our lives she said one thing that struck me. She said ‘You are the first person whom I’ve ever talked to about this issue that is ok’ (with not having kids). (Now, I know she’s reading so though this is quoted it is my very liberal gist of what she was saying – hopefully she’ll correct me if I’m wrong). Knowing some of the blogs she has read, some of the people she’s identified with who have dealt with this, I knew what she meant but I was still shocked!! I have not encountered anyone else (until recently) either who has ever become ‘ok’ with out being able to have their children after building their lives around them. (When I told Wally last night of my new friend’s reaction he reminded me that it took me a few years to work through that disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen over night).

It’s easy for others to look at our lives now and think that we just didn’t want children enough. I’ll tell you how much I wanted them: enough to buy a house that would be perfect for our 4 children, at the perfect time to prepare for them, to pick out a dining room table (that was a wedding gift) that would fit 4 children around it, enough to keep 3 single beds and an extra double bed for when they ‘came along’, enough for us to buy the right amount of life insurance at the right time to provide for them, enough to stick with a job long enough just to get maternity leave (that would happen ‘any day now’), enough to stop dreaming of other possibilities because soon we would have our dream family - soon.

8 ½ years later I am no longer waiting, instead I have discovered the greatest secret known to man. If you are not content within yourself with your life right now, you never will be. No husband (for the singles out there pursuing with just as great of intensity for a mate), no amount of children, no house, no job, no anything will give you the contentment you are yearning for if you are not able to find that peace and joy where you are, with who you are. That’s a big secret that no one seems to know about. Does that mean we cannot find a sort of fulfillment by finding these things? I’m not saying that at all – all of these things add a new dimension to our lives in different ways, but what I am saying is that you cannot think that by not having these things you will be any less happy and joyful than someone who does. This principle applies to everything – in my opinion.

Many people will argue that I shouldn’t compare children to houses – and in some ways I shouldn’t, but here’s the parallel: if you are pining so very deeply over a something you do not have and this goes on for a significant amount of time and your life is solely based around this possibility, that may never be, you are losing life, you are losing time, you are wasting a gift you have been given to live. We all do it to an extent, so by no means am I any different or more perfect in my reaction – this simply isn’t true. I just want to share my experience of a realization of the fact that we aren’t here on this earth to pursue the things we desire – even if those things are godly, wonderful, amazing miracles. We are here to grow, learn, LOVE, and live a life glorifying to God, to enjoy the moments we are given.

I’m not sure how exactly we are to do this. For me I had to go through a grieving process. More for the life I thought would be than a child that wasn’t. I have no idea right now whether Wally and I will ever be parents in whatever capacity and to be honest in this moment I’m not too worried about it. I do say to him sometimes that ‘I wish we just knew what to do next and when’ (in regards to adoption and such). It would be so much easier if we did have that ‘sneak peak’ but then again how fun would that be? Instead, for now we are going to focus on enjoying every minute of where we are at, the friends that we have, the people that we’ve been able to ‘connect’ with through this experience and most of all … enjoy our sleep!

I don’t believe there is any other experience like being a parent. I do believe it is something God intended everyone to go through … originally. However we live in a fallen world of imperfections and disappointments, where the ideal is less than prevalent, where our hearts get broken and then seemingly trampled on at times. But one thing I’ve learned through difficult times in my life is that God is for real and truly will take the dreams you had and (IF you let Him) will reveal to you dreams you didn’t know you had and give you greater joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible.

So, if you are one of those women (or couples) that are not sure how to respond to your childlessness – with grief or with joy. I say grieve the loss of that dream, let God heal your heart, ignore stupid people (they are everywhere), allow yourself to skip that Mother’s Day service if it pains too much but if you think you can stand it and you are ready to heal I dare you to go and feel a secret joy of knowing that God has something very different and very special just for you!

You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel joy – that’s what God’s wants and when you feel a pang of sadness once in a while, which will happen when you see that perfect little life someone else is holding in their arms – remember that God feels your heart aches and is holding you always.

In the mean time …

Bask in your glorious uninterrupted sleep patterns!

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ... college?

So I have to tell you that when I got married at the tender age of barely 21 to another young 21 year old I pretty much thought I had my life figured out.

Get married young (21 yrs old – done).Then buy a house, start within a year or two to have babies, give birth to 4 perfect children by the time I was 30 years of age, stay home and raise them, perhaps adopt a couple more, support my husband through whatever came his way and live happily ever after … the end. How hard could it possibly be to just exist as a normal little family.

Hmmmmm. Apparently harder than I thought.

By our second anniversary we had accomplished the first 2 items on our list and thought we were well on our way to getting number 3 started… what happened? Well, not number 3. Wally and I didn’t ever ‘try’ to make the baby thing happen, we just wanted to see what would happen if we didn’t try to not make things happen. Make sense? I mean I had always desperately wanted to be a mother – it was my only real goal in life. I didn’t go to school because of it. I always thought ‘Why go into debt for an education I’ll never use? I’m going to stay home and be a mommy, that’s all I want’. However with that being said we never wanted to force things to happen either. We had watched different couples focus on getting pregnant so much that it seemed they forgot why they were together in the first place. A close relative of mine had ended up with triplets (at age 27) after starting the fertility process shortly after pursuing pregnancy, five years later they had another child all on their own. I’d also witnessed an aunt and uncle try to get pregnant for 10 years and in the end adopted a beautiful little girl from China. Ten years of heartache and abuse on her poor body, and no doubt strain in their marriage. Not to mention the fact that he was older than her by several years with 2 grown children, time wasn’t exactly on their side - it was good that they adopted when they did.

Wally and I just never wanted to lose sight of what was best for us as a couple or each other as individuals. So after a couple of years of waiting ‘to see what would happen’, we realized that we may never get pregnant. We then made a decision. No, we didn’t go through tests or go to doctors to find out who was ‘broken’. Nor did we make a decision to let everyone know what was going on so they could stop pestering us about having children or feel dreadfully sorry for us, or give us unwanted advice. Instead we re-evaluated things…

Wally was at this time working at a pig barn. You see Wally is not the kind of guy, (if you know him) that you would expect to be able to work in a pig barn. But for me he did, to save his marriage he did. (There is sooooo much more that goes with this story that will have to be shared in another post or two). I knew he wasn’t happy and I was finally ready to help him make a change. I begged him to go back to school. I knew that if we were going to adopt someday in order to have the family we always wanted that he would need an education that could provide a job that he could do with all of his heart and abilities. (I want to say clearly I don’ think that there is anything at all with working in a pig barn but this was not Wally’s dream or where his gifts were, he wasn’t really happy, just coping – I can’t settle for coping).

This was sort of a big step for me - to push Wally back to school. This would mean that for the next 3 years I would have to continue to work fulltime and put aside my hopes of a family for a bit longer. I’ll admit though it took a while for me to get to this point. I tried to just focus on him and his happiness (and of course mine too in the end). I knew that if he wasn’t doing a job that he got some sort of satisfaction out of he wouldn’t be as good of a dad or husband as he could be at a job that he felt more fitted to.

So after a few months of pondering and pushing Wally agreed to go back to school. For him, for me, and for our future.