Friday, September 23, 2011

'The heartbeat is strong!'

Said my pregnant peer.

She was very excited about her recent positive visit to the doctor.

I can only imagine that hearing those words would bring great comfort, great relief and great joy. They would to me if I were in that situation.

This was the same person who shared with me the day she heard her baby's heartbeat for the first time (not sure how we seem to run into each other on 'heartbeat' days but we seem to).

I remember, and you may too, that day I shared every bit of her excitement as my own after hearing from our own social worker for the first time.

Her joy was palpable. As was mine.

On this particular day, 'heartbeat update day' I was a little less joyous.

It was last week after we had gone to our first PRIDE class and had heard our first few sad stories of the potential realities we could be faced with through our process of adoption (although I have to throw in EVERY parent faces risks of heartbreak so really we aren't much different).

When I heard those words 'The heartbeat is strong!' rather than identify with the statement as I did the first time I felt a pang of panic.

My baby's heartbeat had weakened slightly.

Realize that as I say this that just as a woman who is holding and growing a baby in her womb also holds the the very workings of that tiny little heartbeat.

Wally and I also do the same for our little one(s).

After the night of our first class our hope had dimmed slightly and we (or at least I) actually felt the 'heartbeat' slow down.

As any mother would, I got concerned, I panicked, I worried.

My own heartbeat picked up.

I thought 'What do we need to do? How can we fix this? I want to take care of this child (ren) the best that I can, but what if .... ?'

Thankfully Wally is much more stable and less hormonal than myself and he held me in my fears and gently reminded me that it was ok to slow down, relax, and breathe. All things that would do our child(ren) well.

He was exactly right. Through out the past week I have taken time to think, release my worries,and take a break from solving problems that don't yet exist.

And sure enough ...

The heartbeat is strong again.


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