Not long after my invigorating and surprising news of my new job I got a shot of energy to clean up our apartment (wasn’t that supposed to have been done yesterday?). Dishes got done, ironing was defeated, garbage cans were scrubbed clean and phone calls were made. All in time to sit and relax for a half hour before Wally got home from work. Ahhhh, it felt great!
Then the relaxation wouldn’t come. No, I was way too excited! I decided to go after #22 on ‘The list’ and write 5 encouraging notes to people I’d never sent notes to before.
To some this may seem like no big deal, and for me it really isn’t one either. The reason this made it on my list is because I am an avid note writer and card sender. (I actually peruse card stores for fun and often but funny cards that are for birthdays or getting well and send them to people that aren’t getting older or sick). I’m not obsessive like some I know, but I do it more often than most. The challenge here would be for me to find 5 people I’d never sent notes to before.
I got out my stationary, extra cards and a pen and it took no time at all for me to find 5 people to write a heartfelt note to. In fact I was able to do all of these within forty five minutes (and yes, they were all ‘from the heart’!). I love writing notes, I love getting notes – I suppose some would say that is one of my ‘love languages’ (I wouldn’t know, I’ve never read the book), I just know I love to do this. I’m not sure why exactly, I guess it’s because I find it much easier to say on paper how I feel inside. It’s seems far easier to be honest that way and I value honestly – even if I can’t pull it off nearly as well in person.
#22 definitely reminded me that it takes no time to really sit down and brighten someone’s day (I’m assuming it will) and be honest with your feelings. It’s something I already do, but by making it intentional I was able to ‘spread the wealth’ of joy I was feeling by multiples and what’s better than that? Sending two greeting cards is twice as great as sending one. By no means am I saying ‘Just mail out a bunch of cards in masses’ (you know, like we do at Christmas, without even writing the person’s name you are sending it to at the top, never mind the lack of a personal message at the bottom – my supreme pet peeve!!!). I’m just suggesting we become more aware of who we can touch by just taking a few minutes to do so. I challenge you to make a list of five people (whether have done so with them or not) and write a few notes of thanks, encouragement or love, it’s worth it, and I know you’ll feel just as great as the people you are sending them to.
#15 – Go for a walk on the beach during a sunset
This number was one that could have (and almost did) slip away on me. I didn’t really think about the fact that it would take an evening out of my newly busied social life to do. Preferably one that was sunny, clear and without precipitation. I believe it was only the day before that I mentioned to Wally that time was running out for an opportunity to accomplish #15 before the weather decided not to co-operate. We agreed that Adventure Day 26 would be the day we would try and make it happen.
As I mentioned before my day had already been full of action and this activity would be no different. Wally didn’t get home until after 6pm and I hadn’t taken the time to make dinner (I thought a celebration out was in order). Once he walked in the door and we exchanged hellos and ‘YAY! We got the job!’ Wally went and checked out the anticipated sunset time for the evening, along with the directions to the beach of our choice and estimated time of arrival. We soon realized that we didn’t have a lot of time.
Within a few minutes we found ourselves having our celebratory dinner in the mall food court with a slice of reheated ‘to go’ pizza and then off we went.
As we began our journey and argued about the GPS person and whether we would leave her voice on or off, we were soon made aware of our shortage of time. This became even more apparent when every slowbo driver known to man found themselves tucked right in front of us. This did not seem to ease our drive at all (as you can well imagine), in fact we found ourselves getting even shorter with each other and more annoyed at the situation we were in. Wally kept commenting ‘Don’t these people know we have some where to be? We don’t have all night!’ I keep praying that the sun would choose to go down a wee bit slower than usual as I kept my eyes fixed on the clock to make sure we’d make it.
I have no idea why we didn’t plan this out a bit better. I literally did the math for getting there and witnessing the beauteous site like it was a show at the theatre, rather than the experience it would prove to be – a lesson I’m sure I needed to learn. All in all we made it to our destination with around 10-15 minutes to spare. Which means we had 10-15 minutes to gaze romantically at the sun until it disappeared. Let’s just say romance doesn’t breed well on a time line.
I did walk along the beach with my oversized camera around my neck. We got several pictures and I walked along the shore. We noted the garbage that littered the beach and how many tame seagulls found it their duty to stalk us. As I let the water splash my feet I whined aloud at the sharp gravel beneath them – weren’t shores supposed to be made up of silky smooth sand? Ouch! Not this one, that’s for sure! I kept walking, determined that having my feet in the water would help with the atmosphere, instead it caused my husband to poke fun at my stubbornness and me to continue walking on the pain filled stones – I wouldn’t give up.
As we wound down from our furious fight with time to arrive we both realized what a beautiful sight a sunset was. Not only that, but just the sight of the water (even though it was neighbours with an unkept coast). Evening was the perfect time to be there too, with few people and a cool breeze it certainly was my kind of date. Wally and I walked for a while up and down the beachfront and enjoyed our ‘down time’. We had really wished we’d made it there sooner to appreciate it for longer.
#15 was a wonderful experience to say the least (especially considering the escapade that preceded it), but it was too short lived, as so many experiences in life are. It is for that reason that I feel as strongly about life that I do. I think it’s so easy to get caught up in the planning and implementing of something you anticipate that it is almost impossible to avoid disappointment if you don’t slow yourself down to really take the even in. How often do we do that though? How often do we really and truly SLOW DOWN? In this world it is rare. We don’t take time to laugh at the mustard on our shirt, or the funny thing the 3 year old said. We neglect to take the time to feel the love for the one beside us, and we often forget to clear our mind and enjoy beauty, whether it’s in our backyard, or at the beach. We usually just take for granted that we will have another turn to ‘do it later’. If there is nothing else that you take from my 40 Day adventure it’s this: Experience things now! Feel things now!! Use your senses while you have them – now!
Tomorrow is simply unreachable.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Adventure Day 26 – Part 1: Blood Suckers
Today was a pretty big day for me. I was going to get to do two things I haven’t done for a while and I was very excited. Ok so I was really only excited about one of them.
Today was the first time in three months that I was able to donate plasma. I only began donating my plasma maybe four or five months ago and just got into a great weekly routine (you can donate every 6 days) when I had to get my vaccinations updated for work. After I did that I couldn’t donate for 3 months and I was sooooo disappointed.
Someone who hates needles may think I’m a little crazy for being so sad over not being able to get jabbed with a giant one and then have my blood sapped out of me, but I have good reason. I mentioned in a post way on back how my aunt passed away from leukemia, well she required a lot of blood products and such for treatments and ever since I have wanted to donate my blood. However, as you know by now I am not the type of person to just run out and try something without a little help from a friend (although I am getting so much better at this). I was essentially a sissy and wouldn’t go to a clinic until someone else invited me or would go too. Let’s just say it’s not always easy to find someone without a million and one excuses to NOT go get the blood sucked out of them. I don’t blame them at all.
Anyways, one day a girl in my program at school was heading out after an exam to donate blood at the college, she invited me along. I thought ‘Sure, why not? I’ve been waiting for this chance for years!’ I was nervous and a little excited, not knowing what to expect. Once I had made my first donation I soon got a letter in the mail telling me that I had AB- blood and that only 0.5 % of the population had it and they wanted more of me. It wasn’t long before I got a second letter practically begging me to be a part of the plasma donation program. It was pretty simple, you signed up had a medical from one of their docs, filled out a little extra paper work and could give every week – the only catch was that it took a bit longer.
So I tried it out once and got such a warm, receptive welcome at the clinic (over my rare blood type) that I couldn’t help but go back – these people really got excited over AB- wow! I also learned that because with plasma donation you receive your platelets and red blood cells back during your donation (it all goes through a special machine to separate it) that I felt waaaaay better afterwards compared to whole blood donation. All that to say: I have been very fulfilled in doing this whenever I can. It really has helped something inside of me heal from the grief I felt over losing my aunt. It feels like I can give something back from the life that has been lost. I don’t know, it’s a very small thing but a very meaningful one to me. I am amazed at how doing something so tangible can touch a part of me that so isn’t. I love it.
While at the clinic I had brought my books to study for an interview I was having an hour later (for a contract position where I work). I thought I might as well be useful with my time (since I knew I’d be there for at least an hour and a half). My appointment was at 8:20 am, needless to say I was a bit sleepy, and in their big comfy chairs it would be so easy to fall asleep. That is unless you have a giant loud mouthed middle aged man beside you, which I did. He was totally within my reach to take my one of my books and slug him, and I so wanted to, just to shut him up for five minutes. Like couldn’t he see I was in deep thought here? Didn’t he realize I was trying to prepare for a big interview? Obviously not, because his voice seemed to get louder and more obnoxious by the second. I tried to sit there and just close my eyes and tune him out, but then I couldn’t study or go over my notes. I was getting annoyed.
Then I noticed him pinching his arm. Oooooooo he was done!! Yippee!!! I thought ‘Good I can’t take much more of you!’ It wasn’t long and Yappy was gone (of course not without a vibrant good-bye, or good riddance from me). A few minutes later another middle aged gentleman came strolling in. ‘Ah’ I thought ‘Surely this guy will now give me the peace I need to collect myself.’ Then he started. Louder and louder it got. What is with middle aged men and their stupid deer, traffic, road kill stories? I think I was attracting them today.
I obviously made it through and have lived to tell about it. My donation went well and I was off to my interview.
I am not unlike many others (at least I don’t think), in my distain for interviews. Who’s idea was it to come up with the crazy idea to put you in a small room with two other people who ask you questions upon questions for an hour and think you are going to actually give all the right answers? It doesn’t seem remotely practical but that is the way the world works and that is what I had to face. Luckily for me, Smiles was one of the interviewers and she (in no stark contrast to her name) was smiley and cheerful throughout. The other interviewer was my boss. She was alright but her expressions always left me wondering if I was totally off base, or completely on track – you’ve gotta hate that.
To give you some background I want to say that a few months ago I applied for the summer contract at my work and didn’t’ get it. I was totally counting on it and was sure I would get it – of course I didn’t have any idea how many were applying and how much more experience everyone else had - sometimes oblivion is good. I didn’t get the contract and I’m glad. I’ve learned so much since then and have loved my weird schedule and working with all different people. This time when I applied for a 30 hour contract, deemed temporary but is indefinite, I really was only doing it for the interview experience. I thought it would be awesome to get it (mostly because it would feel good to get picked), but in reality 30 hours of work on top of my 40 hours plus of school that was already happening in a week (32 of them in placement) didn’t sound all that appealing. However I applied and interviewed for it anyway, thinking that if (by a long shot) I got the job I would love the people I’d be working with (and supporting).
This interview itself seemed to whiz by and I could barely believe it when Smiles told me there was only one more question. When I was all finished the written component and left I felt amazing. I thought ‘I don’t even care if I get the job; I did the best that I could have and that feels great!’ Now during the interview I did ask when I would find out and I was told by the end of the day ‘That’s cool’, I thought ‘at least it won’t be hanging over my head’. Off I went. I was at home trying to read a book and relax two and a half hours later when I got the call. It was my boss … she sounded very peaceful and happy. ‘That’s weird, she’s had a rough week at work and I know she had tried to convince me out of applying at one point, why is she so happy?’
‘Eva? This is Big mama. I was just wondering if you’d be interested in the 30 hour contract?’ she said.
‘Uh, really? Yeah I would be.’
From there she told me that we weren’t in any rush and that the paper work could be done in the next few weeks, but that the contract was mine. Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I got the job. The 30 hour job. With the 40 hours of school. Yikes! But instead of feeling overwhelmed at the thought of it, I felt invigorated. I felt proud. I felt up for the challenge. It’s weird, when I look back even 3 months, to when I started my job. I would have NEVER believed I would apply or even get a 30 hour contract, and especially never be excited about it. I really do feel like a different person since I’ve started working there – I know that I am. As Wally and I chatted tonight on a drive it occurred to me that when I started my program I went in knowing absolutely nothing about the developmental services field and didn’t have any experience with it at all. And here I was a year and a half later getting ready to sign a nearly full time contract to work in my chosen career, in a ‘behaviour’ home no less (my last choice for work – I never thought I could do it!).
I don’t say all of these things to boast at all. I have sooooo much more to learn from so many people (some with an education and some without); I look forward to doing this. The reason I point these things out is because I took a risk, I got uncomfortable, I became vulnerable and by doing so I feel like someone took me and stretched me like play-dough, without a care for how I would feel along the way, but it all turned out for the better. I’ve noticed since Wally and I shook our lives up a couple of years ago that sometimes all it takes is one simple step out of your ‘zone’ and it will lead you to take a million more and slowly but surely you are brought to a new place, sometimes without even realizing it. How cool is that?
I wish words could express how full I feel right now. How excited I am about life. How thankful I am that God is so mysterious, yet so faithful. This truly isn’t all about getting a job, or even donating some plasma. It’s about seeing how He can grow life where there was once stagnation and death. (And how He can turn a post about two completely unrelated things into a perfectly intertwined lesson). Very cool.
I am in awe…
Today was the first time in three months that I was able to donate plasma. I only began donating my plasma maybe four or five months ago and just got into a great weekly routine (you can donate every 6 days) when I had to get my vaccinations updated for work. After I did that I couldn’t donate for 3 months and I was sooooo disappointed.
Someone who hates needles may think I’m a little crazy for being so sad over not being able to get jabbed with a giant one and then have my blood sapped out of me, but I have good reason. I mentioned in a post way on back how my aunt passed away from leukemia, well she required a lot of blood products and such for treatments and ever since I have wanted to donate my blood. However, as you know by now I am not the type of person to just run out and try something without a little help from a friend (although I am getting so much better at this). I was essentially a sissy and wouldn’t go to a clinic until someone else invited me or would go too. Let’s just say it’s not always easy to find someone without a million and one excuses to NOT go get the blood sucked out of them. I don’t blame them at all.
Anyways, one day a girl in my program at school was heading out after an exam to donate blood at the college, she invited me along. I thought ‘Sure, why not? I’ve been waiting for this chance for years!’ I was nervous and a little excited, not knowing what to expect. Once I had made my first donation I soon got a letter in the mail telling me that I had AB- blood and that only 0.5 % of the population had it and they wanted more of me. It wasn’t long before I got a second letter practically begging me to be a part of the plasma donation program. It was pretty simple, you signed up had a medical from one of their docs, filled out a little extra paper work and could give every week – the only catch was that it took a bit longer.
So I tried it out once and got such a warm, receptive welcome at the clinic (over my rare blood type) that I couldn’t help but go back – these people really got excited over AB- wow! I also learned that because with plasma donation you receive your platelets and red blood cells back during your donation (it all goes through a special machine to separate it) that I felt waaaaay better afterwards compared to whole blood donation. All that to say: I have been very fulfilled in doing this whenever I can. It really has helped something inside of me heal from the grief I felt over losing my aunt. It feels like I can give something back from the life that has been lost. I don’t know, it’s a very small thing but a very meaningful one to me. I am amazed at how doing something so tangible can touch a part of me that so isn’t. I love it.
While at the clinic I had brought my books to study for an interview I was having an hour later (for a contract position where I work). I thought I might as well be useful with my time (since I knew I’d be there for at least an hour and a half). My appointment was at 8:20 am, needless to say I was a bit sleepy, and in their big comfy chairs it would be so easy to fall asleep. That is unless you have a giant loud mouthed middle aged man beside you, which I did. He was totally within my reach to take my one of my books and slug him, and I so wanted to, just to shut him up for five minutes. Like couldn’t he see I was in deep thought here? Didn’t he realize I was trying to prepare for a big interview? Obviously not, because his voice seemed to get louder and more obnoxious by the second. I tried to sit there and just close my eyes and tune him out, but then I couldn’t study or go over my notes. I was getting annoyed.
Then I noticed him pinching his arm. Oooooooo he was done!! Yippee!!! I thought ‘Good I can’t take much more of you!’ It wasn’t long and Yappy was gone (of course not without a vibrant good-bye, or good riddance from me). A few minutes later another middle aged gentleman came strolling in. ‘Ah’ I thought ‘Surely this guy will now give me the peace I need to collect myself.’ Then he started. Louder and louder it got. What is with middle aged men and their stupid deer, traffic, road kill stories? I think I was attracting them today.
I obviously made it through and have lived to tell about it. My donation went well and I was off to my interview.
I am not unlike many others (at least I don’t think), in my distain for interviews. Who’s idea was it to come up with the crazy idea to put you in a small room with two other people who ask you questions upon questions for an hour and think you are going to actually give all the right answers? It doesn’t seem remotely practical but that is the way the world works and that is what I had to face. Luckily for me, Smiles was one of the interviewers and she (in no stark contrast to her name) was smiley and cheerful throughout. The other interviewer was my boss. She was alright but her expressions always left me wondering if I was totally off base, or completely on track – you’ve gotta hate that.
To give you some background I want to say that a few months ago I applied for the summer contract at my work and didn’t’ get it. I was totally counting on it and was sure I would get it – of course I didn’t have any idea how many were applying and how much more experience everyone else had - sometimes oblivion is good. I didn’t get the contract and I’m glad. I’ve learned so much since then and have loved my weird schedule and working with all different people. This time when I applied for a 30 hour contract, deemed temporary but is indefinite, I really was only doing it for the interview experience. I thought it would be awesome to get it (mostly because it would feel good to get picked), but in reality 30 hours of work on top of my 40 hours plus of school that was already happening in a week (32 of them in placement) didn’t sound all that appealing. However I applied and interviewed for it anyway, thinking that if (by a long shot) I got the job I would love the people I’d be working with (and supporting).
This interview itself seemed to whiz by and I could barely believe it when Smiles told me there was only one more question. When I was all finished the written component and left I felt amazing. I thought ‘I don’t even care if I get the job; I did the best that I could have and that feels great!’ Now during the interview I did ask when I would find out and I was told by the end of the day ‘That’s cool’, I thought ‘at least it won’t be hanging over my head’. Off I went. I was at home trying to read a book and relax two and a half hours later when I got the call. It was my boss … she sounded very peaceful and happy. ‘That’s weird, she’s had a rough week at work and I know she had tried to convince me out of applying at one point, why is she so happy?’
‘Eva? This is Big mama. I was just wondering if you’d be interested in the 30 hour contract?’ she said.
‘Uh, really? Yeah I would be.’
From there she told me that we weren’t in any rush and that the paper work could be done in the next few weeks, but that the contract was mine. Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I got the job. The 30 hour job. With the 40 hours of school. Yikes! But instead of feeling overwhelmed at the thought of it, I felt invigorated. I felt proud. I felt up for the challenge. It’s weird, when I look back even 3 months, to when I started my job. I would have NEVER believed I would apply or even get a 30 hour contract, and especially never be excited about it. I really do feel like a different person since I’ve started working there – I know that I am. As Wally and I chatted tonight on a drive it occurred to me that when I started my program I went in knowing absolutely nothing about the developmental services field and didn’t have any experience with it at all. And here I was a year and a half later getting ready to sign a nearly full time contract to work in my chosen career, in a ‘behaviour’ home no less (my last choice for work – I never thought I could do it!).
I don’t say all of these things to boast at all. I have sooooo much more to learn from so many people (some with an education and some without); I look forward to doing this. The reason I point these things out is because I took a risk, I got uncomfortable, I became vulnerable and by doing so I feel like someone took me and stretched me like play-dough, without a care for how I would feel along the way, but it all turned out for the better. I’ve noticed since Wally and I shook our lives up a couple of years ago that sometimes all it takes is one simple step out of your ‘zone’ and it will lead you to take a million more and slowly but surely you are brought to a new place, sometimes without even realizing it. How cool is that?
I wish words could express how full I feel right now. How excited I am about life. How thankful I am that God is so mysterious, yet so faithful. This truly isn’t all about getting a job, or even donating some plasma. It’s about seeing how He can grow life where there was once stagnation and death. (And how He can turn a post about two completely unrelated things into a perfectly intertwined lesson). Very cool.
I am in awe…
Adventure Day 25 - #20 Welcome my new neighbours with muffins
My Thursday was one of those days that I love. The kind of day you have nothing much really planned (but a little social time with a friend) and you look forward to just getting things done around the house. I love those days.
My agenda was clear: dishes, gym, clean out the fridge and of all of the grossities that were growing inside, laundry, prepping for an upcoming interview, a hunt for doggy bags and perhaps a stab at # 20 on my list.
Well by mid morning I had half of my list complete and decided that it may be a good idea to hop into the shower after my trip to the gym and before welcoming my new neighbours, it’s only polite. I did that and was very excited to learn that I was not feeling the least bit anxious about #20. It’s so weird how doing something out of the ordinary for someone you know seems so much more difficult than doing something nice for someone you don’t know. That fact made this item a lot easier to accomplish.
In no time I had muffins ready to go and myself smelling a bit more appealing. I whipped out the door and had knocked on the door beside us before I had a chance to think about what I would even say.
Quickly the door opened and an older lady (shocking!) opened the door to greet me.
I said: ‘Hello! I’m your neighbour beside you here. My name is Eva, I just wanted to come and introduce myself.’
She told me her name was Dorothy and her husband was Jack. I then handed her the muffins and she was very surprised and then invited me in.
I have noticed that older people do this. Maybe everyone does this; I’m not sure – invites strangers in. Both Bill, and now my new neighbours, invited me in when I brought a little gift, how hospitable! Now a lot of people would notice the disarray of the not yet unpacked apartment and be courteous and say ‘Oh no, you are busy, I just wanted to say hello’, but I decided ‘Why not?’ So I entered in and met Jack, did a little chit chatting and found out where they had come from, how long they had lived in their house, that they gave up their big dog to be here, and then gave a few ideas for what to hang in their kitchen (Dot wasn’t too sure what to do – I didn’t tell her that I was the last person she should ask).
After a few minutes of some ‘get to know you’ conversation I told them that if they needed anything just to call or knock and we’d do what we could. They took that and I knew that it would be a while before they’d ever actually take us up on it, but the invite was there anyway.
All in all #20 took maybe 10 minutes (plus muffin making time), but it was so very worth it. I think the saying ‘A little goes a long way’ fits perfectly here. I feel like I did a very small thing but in the long run it will go a long way (especially if our dogs ever get annoying). I also love learning that it’s easier to begin an open relationship with people than it is to try and do it later. Now I will be much more inclined to be myself earlier in a relationship and just reach out and be the person who opens up first. Though sometimes it’s a little scary, because you really don’t know how the other person will respond, more times than not you’ll meet a new friend and the more you do it the easier it gets.
By the way I also packed up some muffins for Bill the doorman and took them to him without a second thought! He wasn’t there so they ended up back in our bellies, but I met 4 different people in the elevator that were ready to jump me for them. I guess not many people make their own muffins around here!
My agenda was clear: dishes, gym, clean out the fridge and of all of the grossities that were growing inside, laundry, prepping for an upcoming interview, a hunt for doggy bags and perhaps a stab at # 20 on my list.
Well by mid morning I had half of my list complete and decided that it may be a good idea to hop into the shower after my trip to the gym and before welcoming my new neighbours, it’s only polite. I did that and was very excited to learn that I was not feeling the least bit anxious about #20. It’s so weird how doing something out of the ordinary for someone you know seems so much more difficult than doing something nice for someone you don’t know. That fact made this item a lot easier to accomplish.
In no time I had muffins ready to go and myself smelling a bit more appealing. I whipped out the door and had knocked on the door beside us before I had a chance to think about what I would even say.
Quickly the door opened and an older lady (shocking!) opened the door to greet me.
I said: ‘Hello! I’m your neighbour beside you here. My name is Eva, I just wanted to come and introduce myself.’
She told me her name was Dorothy and her husband was Jack. I then handed her the muffins and she was very surprised and then invited me in.
I have noticed that older people do this. Maybe everyone does this; I’m not sure – invites strangers in. Both Bill, and now my new neighbours, invited me in when I brought a little gift, how hospitable! Now a lot of people would notice the disarray of the not yet unpacked apartment and be courteous and say ‘Oh no, you are busy, I just wanted to say hello’, but I decided ‘Why not?’ So I entered in and met Jack, did a little chit chatting and found out where they had come from, how long they had lived in their house, that they gave up their big dog to be here, and then gave a few ideas for what to hang in their kitchen (Dot wasn’t too sure what to do – I didn’t tell her that I was the last person she should ask).
After a few minutes of some ‘get to know you’ conversation I told them that if they needed anything just to call or knock and we’d do what we could. They took that and I knew that it would be a while before they’d ever actually take us up on it, but the invite was there anyway.
All in all #20 took maybe 10 minutes (plus muffin making time), but it was so very worth it. I think the saying ‘A little goes a long way’ fits perfectly here. I feel like I did a very small thing but in the long run it will go a long way (especially if our dogs ever get annoying). I also love learning that it’s easier to begin an open relationship with people than it is to try and do it later. Now I will be much more inclined to be myself earlier in a relationship and just reach out and be the person who opens up first. Though sometimes it’s a little scary, because you really don’t know how the other person will respond, more times than not you’ll meet a new friend and the more you do it the easier it gets.
By the way I also packed up some muffins for Bill the doorman and took them to him without a second thought! He wasn’t there so they ended up back in our bellies, but I met 4 different people in the elevator that were ready to jump me for them. I guess not many people make their own muffins around here!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Adventure Day 24 – City Life…
Wednesday held mostly a sleepless hangover from the 13 hour night (turned into day) shift I was on the previous day. In the afternoon I had to take the bus (which I haven’t taken in a few months) to work for a mere 3 hours and came home with a pounding headache and a desire to sleep. Work went very well and I enjoyed it but when I went to wait for the bus I was a bit early and when it finally came (20 minutes later) the sprinkle that had started halfway through my wait had turned into a steady rain by the time my bus came – I actually wouldn’t have minded if I hadn’t had that headache, oh well, I’m hear to tell the story!
Taking the bus again quickly reminded me of how much my life has changed and how much I have learned since moving to a city. I thought I would share some of my learnings with you…
One of the first things I had to learn was how to take the bus. Did you know that there are rules? Like don’t sit in the front, unless you are old, handicapped, pregnant, have kids or an ignorant student.
Know when to put the bell thing – too early or too late you’ll get dropped off at the wrong place.
If you are waiting at the college for a bus, be aggressive and make sure you are one of the first ones on to get a seat and a ride home.
Don’t make eye contact. Apparently people aren’t there to socialize. (Yeah, this one has a hard one for me to grasp – it seems so rude that people are always wearing their ear buds).
Many people don’t care if you hear every word of their conversation on the phone (really, did I need to hear all about your illegal activities on the weekend?)
People that read their book by the exit are annoying (and to me they’re just showing off, who can possibly read standing up on a crowded bus?)
I am seriously annoyed by people that will stand rather than sit when there are several seats available – hello, get out of the way!!
It’s always handy to know where the bus you are on is going, and where you should get off.
Other things I’ve learned since moving to the city:
If there is a left hand turn light you should always turn on it, no matter what colour it is. At least 2-3 more cars will take the left turn after the light’s gone red, feel free to try.
City people like Starbucks more than Tim Horton’s
It’s harder to find good little non-chain restaurants.
Chances are usually pretty low that you will meet someone you know at the supermarket.
Cities have more than one library.
Cities have more than one park.
Going to a mall across town instead of the one you live near seems to be a big deal to city people.
Cows are a big deal. Some people have never seen them before (in real life – weird!!)
One thing I have learned from going back to school is that when you go to the bathroom you are supposed to ask everyone within a 12 foot radius of you to join. Refusing an invite could result in strange looks and strong thoughts on your anti social bathroom behaviour (who knew going to the john was a group activity?)
Taking the bus again quickly reminded me of how much my life has changed and how much I have learned since moving to a city. I thought I would share some of my learnings with you…
One of the first things I had to learn was how to take the bus. Did you know that there are rules? Like don’t sit in the front, unless you are old, handicapped, pregnant, have kids or an ignorant student.
Know when to put the bell thing – too early or too late you’ll get dropped off at the wrong place.
If you are waiting at the college for a bus, be aggressive and make sure you are one of the first ones on to get a seat and a ride home.
Don’t make eye contact. Apparently people aren’t there to socialize. (Yeah, this one has a hard one for me to grasp – it seems so rude that people are always wearing their ear buds).
Many people don’t care if you hear every word of their conversation on the phone (really, did I need to hear all about your illegal activities on the weekend?)
People that read their book by the exit are annoying (and to me they’re just showing off, who can possibly read standing up on a crowded bus?)
I am seriously annoyed by people that will stand rather than sit when there are several seats available – hello, get out of the way!!
It’s always handy to know where the bus you are on is going, and where you should get off.
Other things I’ve learned since moving to the city:
If there is a left hand turn light you should always turn on it, no matter what colour it is. At least 2-3 more cars will take the left turn after the light’s gone red, feel free to try.
City people like Starbucks more than Tim Horton’s
It’s harder to find good little non-chain restaurants.
Chances are usually pretty low that you will meet someone you know at the supermarket.
Cities have more than one library.
Cities have more than one park.
Going to a mall across town instead of the one you live near seems to be a big deal to city people.
Cows are a big deal. Some people have never seen them before (in real life – weird!!)
One thing I have learned from going back to school is that when you go to the bathroom you are supposed to ask everyone within a 12 foot radius of you to join. Refusing an invite could result in strange looks and strong thoughts on your anti social bathroom behaviour (who knew going to the john was a group activity?)
A Conclusion to Adventure Day 22
I’ve had a great question from a reader and in case you all don’t read the comments I respond to, I thought it might be a good idea to give a better conclusion to my Adventure Day 22 about my coffee time with the person I thought I wouldn’t like.
In the end I spent a good 2 hour visit with Lady. The experience was great for me. It really did help me understand better where she’s coming from and who she is. Does it mean we will be best friends? No. But it has definitely taught me that there really isn’t anything that scary about going out for coffee with someone you aren’t too sure if you will like. In fact I think if you are the judgmental type like me it’s essential at times (to over come your judgments and go ‘there’ with someone) for you to be able to get over that and learn from it.
I am the type of person that does genuinely try to figure out people. Like: why does he do that? What happened in their lives to make them be that way? Is it natural for them to live such a full life, or did they have some sort of experience? Why are they always grouchy? Is it just their personality or are they hurting over something?
Sometimes the answer to these questions opens our eyes and hearts to accepting the other person. In my case it helped a ton. It will certainly helped me relate more to Lady in the future and give her response more credit than I would have before (yes I am that ignorant, I’ll admit it). I want to mention that she is a person with a wonderful heart that sincerely wants to please others and cares about how they feel. Though she doesn’t walk around with her heart on her sleeve and speaking her mind, I can still chat and stuff with her. I get the sense that she is the type of person that doesn’t always know what to do or say with someone like me. I like to dive into things right away, I don’t keep very much secret at all. There is something to be said for people like Lady who guard their heart and think first (I know the effects of not doing so).
There are other times though when getting the answers to these questions is tough to take. When you find out that it is truly a part of someone’s personality to be selfish or grouchy. They just haven’t learned how to be any other way – which you could then ask a bunch more questions about, the cycle never ends! I guess the bottom line is we should never quit trying to understand where someone else is coming from, whether we like it or not, I think it goes a long way, if we let it.
I like Lady because she let me in and told me part of her story – that’s worth more than anything else I could want – thanks Lady!
In the end I spent a good 2 hour visit with Lady. The experience was great for me. It really did help me understand better where she’s coming from and who she is. Does it mean we will be best friends? No. But it has definitely taught me that there really isn’t anything that scary about going out for coffee with someone you aren’t too sure if you will like. In fact I think if you are the judgmental type like me it’s essential at times (to over come your judgments and go ‘there’ with someone) for you to be able to get over that and learn from it.
I am the type of person that does genuinely try to figure out people. Like: why does he do that? What happened in their lives to make them be that way? Is it natural for them to live such a full life, or did they have some sort of experience? Why are they always grouchy? Is it just their personality or are they hurting over something?
Sometimes the answer to these questions opens our eyes and hearts to accepting the other person. In my case it helped a ton. It will certainly helped me relate more to Lady in the future and give her response more credit than I would have before (yes I am that ignorant, I’ll admit it). I want to mention that she is a person with a wonderful heart that sincerely wants to please others and cares about how they feel. Though she doesn’t walk around with her heart on her sleeve and speaking her mind, I can still chat and stuff with her. I get the sense that she is the type of person that doesn’t always know what to do or say with someone like me. I like to dive into things right away, I don’t keep very much secret at all. There is something to be said for people like Lady who guard their heart and think first (I know the effects of not doing so).
There are other times though when getting the answers to these questions is tough to take. When you find out that it is truly a part of someone’s personality to be selfish or grouchy. They just haven’t learned how to be any other way – which you could then ask a bunch more questions about, the cycle never ends! I guess the bottom line is we should never quit trying to understand where someone else is coming from, whether we like it or not, I think it goes a long way, if we let it.
I like Lady because she let me in and told me part of her story – that’s worth more than anything else I could want – thanks Lady!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Adventure Day 23 – A Progress Report
As you’ve noticed I have completed 23 days of my adventure, I thought now would be a great time to give a bit of a ‘progress report’ to let you now how far I’ve come and how far I have to go.
As of today I have completed the following numbers on my list:
#2 – Only visiting new to me restaurants, yes I’ve gone to one’s I’ve visited before but whenever Wally and I go out we make sure to go to new ones. I believe 3 or 4 in total for me.
#8 – Invite 5 people to read the blog, I’ve actually invited probably around 9 or 10. The funny thing is the ones I invited for the purpose of getting this item crossed off of my list aren’t the ones following it really – interesting :)
#9 – Accomplish a task I’ve been avoiding. I can now see clearly through the windows.
#10 – Use the dryer in the laundry room. Done it and until I will the slot machine I don’t plan on doing this again (and since I don’t’ really gamble I guess I’ll be waiting a while).
#11 – Ask some one I’m not too sure I like for coffee. I’m judgmental but trying to get better.
#18 – Go out for coffee with someone I work with. Did this and beyond, loving my new friend.
#23 – Expand my family. Did this just in time to lose one of them to a move, no regrets, instead making room for more.
#26 – Do something nice for Bill the doorman. Stretching but melted my heart at the same time.
#27 – Write down 100 things I am thankful for in one day. It only takes moment to be thankful and the simplest things count – we should think about this more.
#28 – Have a couple date with people we’ve never gotten to know before. Loved it, but will soon be saying good bye. Oh well, more possibilities to travel when we visit them!
#29 – Don’t watch t.v./dvds/youtube for a week. You find a lot of other things to do that get you out and about when you aren’t obligated to catch your favourite show.
#30 – Visit someone I haven’t seen in at least 6 months to a year. Enjoyed a great visit and remembered why I love this person.
#31 – Read through the gospel of John in the Bible. At first seemed a bit ‘out there’ considering it’s recommended to newbie Christians, then it was totally awesome as I read on. Shattered all of the ideas I was raised with about Jesus growing up going to church.
#32 – Go to the gym 6 days in a row. You can do anything you determine to do. And it takes a lot not to slap the gym lady who notices you’ve ‘out of nowhere’ been showing up to work out.
#33 – Buy a fashionable purse. Much harder than it looks, but I am now LOVING my new accessory.
#34 – Buy a bikini. One of the most awkward things I’ve ever done and am avoiding writing the post about trying it on (like the plague).
#35 – Go on a girls weekend away. Though I went with a bunch of strangers, it was fun and I’ll rarely pass up an opportunity to have fun and meet new people.
Items I currently have dates for accomplishing are: #4, #7, #12, #16, #17, #24, and #25.
I have not yet revealed what my last five items were. Here they are:
#36 – Try five new kinds of cheese
#37 – Try and write down all of the compliments I get for a week (I’m hoping this one will be a challenge)
#38 – Go for a coffee date with my sister-in-law. This will be more interesting than you think.
#39 – Plan my next vacation
#40 – I feel like this one should be BIG. But I’m still pondering …
One item I know that I have failed to complete is #1 – stop eating sugary foods for 40 days. I had really hoped that I would be accountable and that by doing so it would stop me bad habit, instead it just revealed how accountability doesn’t get rid of a problem it just helps it come to light.
But that’s why my blog has it’s title … because I am a work in progress, and I’m ok with that.
As of today I have completed the following numbers on my list:
#2 – Only visiting new to me restaurants, yes I’ve gone to one’s I’ve visited before but whenever Wally and I go out we make sure to go to new ones. I believe 3 or 4 in total for me.
#8 – Invite 5 people to read the blog, I’ve actually invited probably around 9 or 10. The funny thing is the ones I invited for the purpose of getting this item crossed off of my list aren’t the ones following it really – interesting :)
#9 – Accomplish a task I’ve been avoiding. I can now see clearly through the windows.
#10 – Use the dryer in the laundry room. Done it and until I will the slot machine I don’t plan on doing this again (and since I don’t’ really gamble I guess I’ll be waiting a while).
#11 – Ask some one I’m not too sure I like for coffee. I’m judgmental but trying to get better.
#18 – Go out for coffee with someone I work with. Did this and beyond, loving my new friend.
#23 – Expand my family. Did this just in time to lose one of them to a move, no regrets, instead making room for more.
#26 – Do something nice for Bill the doorman. Stretching but melted my heart at the same time.
#27 – Write down 100 things I am thankful for in one day. It only takes moment to be thankful and the simplest things count – we should think about this more.
#28 – Have a couple date with people we’ve never gotten to know before. Loved it, but will soon be saying good bye. Oh well, more possibilities to travel when we visit them!
#29 – Don’t watch t.v./dvds/youtube for a week. You find a lot of other things to do that get you out and about when you aren’t obligated to catch your favourite show.
#30 – Visit someone I haven’t seen in at least 6 months to a year. Enjoyed a great visit and remembered why I love this person.
#31 – Read through the gospel of John in the Bible. At first seemed a bit ‘out there’ considering it’s recommended to newbie Christians, then it was totally awesome as I read on. Shattered all of the ideas I was raised with about Jesus growing up going to church.
#32 – Go to the gym 6 days in a row. You can do anything you determine to do. And it takes a lot not to slap the gym lady who notices you’ve ‘out of nowhere’ been showing up to work out.
#33 – Buy a fashionable purse. Much harder than it looks, but I am now LOVING my new accessory.
#34 – Buy a bikini. One of the most awkward things I’ve ever done and am avoiding writing the post about trying it on (like the plague).
#35 – Go on a girls weekend away. Though I went with a bunch of strangers, it was fun and I’ll rarely pass up an opportunity to have fun and meet new people.
Items I currently have dates for accomplishing are: #4, #7, #12, #16, #17, #24, and #25.
I have not yet revealed what my last five items were. Here they are:
#36 – Try five new kinds of cheese
#37 – Try and write down all of the compliments I get for a week (I’m hoping this one will be a challenge)
#38 – Go for a coffee date with my sister-in-law. This will be more interesting than you think.
#39 – Plan my next vacation
#40 – I feel like this one should be BIG. But I’m still pondering …
One item I know that I have failed to complete is #1 – stop eating sugary foods for 40 days. I had really hoped that I would be accountable and that by doing so it would stop me bad habit, instead it just revealed how accountability doesn’t get rid of a problem it just helps it come to light.
But that’s why my blog has it’s title … because I am a work in progress, and I’m ok with that.
Adventure Day 22 – #18 Ask someone out for coffee that I’m not too sure I like
A couple of weeks ago I did just that – I ASKED someone that I wasn’t too sure I’d like out for coffee. Once that e-mail went out I was relieved. Did you notice there was a great big loop hole? Yes well, I was very grateful for it once I clicked send and I didn’t here from this person for a few days. I will fully admit that I secretly hoped I wouldn’t hear anything back – just so that my suspicions would be confirmed and I could feel justified in my judgments of this person. However, that didn’t happen. In fact the reply I got was a seemingly heartfelt thank you for my ‘thoughtfulness’ for the invite and ‘when was it good for me?’ Oh dear. I was already realizing where this was going…
So, last Monday night I met my questionable ‘friend’ at a nearby coffee shop and settled in for an evening chat.
Before I get too far, here’s a little background. My chosen coffee date is one of the girls (or ladies) that leads my home church group. She’s a 26 year old single gal whom I’ve never found easy conversation with. This is usually an immediate ‘red flag’ to me, as I feel as though I am a fairly ‘down to earth person’ who is ready to dive deep into any conversation that will tell me who someone is. I’ve known her now for 7 months and though we’ve shared a little bit within our home church together there has always seemed to be a veil over her that she keeps out at all times. She’s one of those people that I initially meet and hate (being a tad sarcastic here) because she’s got the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect style, perfect smile, she seems to always have the perfect heart in a situation, and never really bearing her true self. Remember how I said perfect people leave me suspicious? Well this is my prime example.
When I first met Lady I jealous of her perfect everything, then she just began to annoy me as I waited to find out her true self. I never really felt I saw it – she just always seemed so guarded. One day I thought to myself ‘Maybe there’s a reason she’s that way?’ (Novel concept eh?) Not too long after she described her mother and how she was raised and I realized – DING! DING! DING! We have a reason. However I couldn’t help but think there was more to the story. It was then that #18 was born.
As I was leaving the apartment that evening to meet my ‘suspicious’ friend I said my good byes to Wally and he asked when I thought I’d be back. I chuckled and said in an hour. (If you don’t know me that well here’s a news flash: coffee dates with me last far beyond an hour – try between 2 -3 hours). That night though, I was certainly expecting less than my norm, so I guestimated a time and whisked out the door.
We sat down with our teas and exchanged a compliment or two over clothing and such, before we knew it were amidst some regular conversation. We began asking eachother stuff about our families and then I commented at one point about being married to the oldest and only male of a small family, and the mother-in-law conflict that once arose because of it. Immediately her eye balls rolled in a way that told me she knew what I was talking about. ‘That’s weird’ I thought ‘She’s not married and is only barely in a relationship – she couldn’t have any idea what I’m talking about…’ So I inquired about her new boyfriend and asked if his mother was like that. She replied ‘No but my ex husband’s mother was.’ I’m so glad I don’t have video of my reaction, and hopefully I was putting on a stellar performance, because I think the earth paused at it. I quickly did some math in my head and tried so hard to figure out how this information could have possibly gotten by me for so long. She quickly went on to explain that she had been married once for 2 ½ years to a guy that ended up leaving her – just leaving … like just left.
She went on to tell me that 6 months into their marriage he informed her that he was no longer a Christian and didn’t want anything to do with any of it any more. I don’t think you have to be a Christian to understand the magnitude of this on her. If you don’t, let me explain. We all have things that we look for in a potential mate, some of these things are ‘deal breakers’. For many people religion, life style choices, parenting opinions, even attire, are ‘deal breakers’. Perhaps you could be of one religion and you meet someone of another religion and it is not a deal breaker when you meet and so you marry and go about life the way it is and you all get along, respect each other’s opinions and choices (even if you don’t completely agree) and you grow together in other areas of your life. I’m going to guess though, in this case the Christianity part was a key factor in keeping together as it was a key factor in bringing this couple together (she said it was his most attractive quality to her). It’s kind of like if 2 really fat, inactive gluttons get together and one decides one day they aren’t going to live like that anymore and they can’t stand living with the other person anymore, so they leave.
At any rate he couldn’t stand her Christian part and told her so, she informed him that as was the decision before the marriage, divorce was not an option for her. They went to counseling and after two years of vacations, some good times and no doubts some struggles, he left for good. As she told her story I continually had to remind myself to process what she was saying and try (to some degree) to understand what she went through. The truth is though I can’t. I have no idea what it’s like to wake up and have my husband totally renege on his profession of who he is and the promises he’s made. In all honesty, I only know what it’s like to be on the other end – the one who does the changing.
As Lady told her story I had a wave of realization that struck me. Lately I have been struggling a bit with wondering if mine and Wally’s marriage is ‘good enough’ and this has mostly been done by comparing our marriage to other people’s marriages. I look at Smiles and Bro who have been married 6 years and don’t’ have kids, they got married young (Smiles was only 18) and they are sweet on each other. I mean truly sweet, like ‘bunnycakes’, ‘sweetie pie’ and ‘pumpkin’ kind of sweet. I know I’ve talked to Bro about this and he’s clarified that things aren’t always perfect and all that, but really, if Wally ever (and I mean EVER) called me any of those names I’d deck him. In fact he knows that if he wants to irritate me, all he has to do is call me one of those names and I’m at an irrational 8 immediately. We’re just not like that.
Therefore my mind gets going making me think ‘I don’t love Wally enough, maybe I don’t love him at all, it’s not fair to him for me to be like that, I should make myself into a sweet adorable softy wife’. You see Wally is the one who constantly tells me he loves me, that I’m the best thing in his life, and that he couldn’t ask for a better wife. And I’m the one who doesn’t’ always say ‘I love you’ back (because I do it in other ways why do I have to say it every ten minutes), who isn’t into touchy feely all the time, who gets annoyed when his good byes take ten minutes because we’ve said good bye already why must we make it a production. I mean I do love Wally, and I am truly thankful that he is in my life, but I don’t use words and touch to speak ‘I love you’ (all of the time) and in this world that generally means ‘I’m not really that into you, so I’m headed to the next person – good bye!’
I am going somewhere with this. As Lady spoke of her experience I realized: Wally and I have indeed faced a similar dilemma regarding the changing of our faith and believe system. After my aunt died and I lost other family and some friends I did A LOT of changing. My core believe system changed incredibly, the way I wanted to live it out changed insanely and even how I spoke and wanted to live my life changed drastically. When we married we planned for me to stay at home with our kids and never work, we planned never to move, we knew who we liked in life and who we didn’t, and we definitely knew how we would raise our non existent children. Over the years I have developed so differently from who I was when I made a stack full of promises to my groom. But through it all instead of growing apart and becoming different, we grew together and sometimes I cannot believe how incredible that is.
After hearing Lady’s past and how hard she tried to make things work, yet not compromise who she was, and in the end she lost the person who she’d promised so much to and who had promised so much to her. I became aware of how amazing it was that Wally and I have been able to stick it out and get better through it. I don’t know why it works out for some and not others, and I feel sad that Lady had to go through such a heart breaking experience, leaving her so slow to trust, but I am so grateful for Wally and his commitment to our life together because without it I’m not sure where we’d be right now. I think it’s a reminder too that no matter who you marry or how you think something will turn out you can never be sure but rather you need to be aware of how fleeting life is (along with the relationships in it), you never know how something can change someone – or even yourself.
Though #18 was one of the items on my list that at the time of writing it I would have loved to have avoided - I am so glad I didn’t. My eyes were opened (as I suspected they would be), but even more so my heart was opened up to another person and their experiences. I feel as though lately my life has just been one great big ball of relating and learning. I really have felt more alive in the past 23 days than I did previously (and I felt pretty lively before that). Though my list entails so much more than coffee dates with people I have found that those have really affected my the most.
And I still have 18 more days to go!
So, last Monday night I met my questionable ‘friend’ at a nearby coffee shop and settled in for an evening chat.
Before I get too far, here’s a little background. My chosen coffee date is one of the girls (or ladies) that leads my home church group. She’s a 26 year old single gal whom I’ve never found easy conversation with. This is usually an immediate ‘red flag’ to me, as I feel as though I am a fairly ‘down to earth person’ who is ready to dive deep into any conversation that will tell me who someone is. I’ve known her now for 7 months and though we’ve shared a little bit within our home church together there has always seemed to be a veil over her that she keeps out at all times. She’s one of those people that I initially meet and hate (being a tad sarcastic here) because she’s got the perfect body, perfect hair, perfect style, perfect smile, she seems to always have the perfect heart in a situation, and never really bearing her true self. Remember how I said perfect people leave me suspicious? Well this is my prime example.
When I first met Lady I jealous of her perfect everything, then she just began to annoy me as I waited to find out her true self. I never really felt I saw it – she just always seemed so guarded. One day I thought to myself ‘Maybe there’s a reason she’s that way?’ (Novel concept eh?) Not too long after she described her mother and how she was raised and I realized – DING! DING! DING! We have a reason. However I couldn’t help but think there was more to the story. It was then that #18 was born.
As I was leaving the apartment that evening to meet my ‘suspicious’ friend I said my good byes to Wally and he asked when I thought I’d be back. I chuckled and said in an hour. (If you don’t know me that well here’s a news flash: coffee dates with me last far beyond an hour – try between 2 -3 hours). That night though, I was certainly expecting less than my norm, so I guestimated a time and whisked out the door.
We sat down with our teas and exchanged a compliment or two over clothing and such, before we knew it were amidst some regular conversation. We began asking eachother stuff about our families and then I commented at one point about being married to the oldest and only male of a small family, and the mother-in-law conflict that once arose because of it. Immediately her eye balls rolled in a way that told me she knew what I was talking about. ‘That’s weird’ I thought ‘She’s not married and is only barely in a relationship – she couldn’t have any idea what I’m talking about…’ So I inquired about her new boyfriend and asked if his mother was like that. She replied ‘No but my ex husband’s mother was.’ I’m so glad I don’t have video of my reaction, and hopefully I was putting on a stellar performance, because I think the earth paused at it. I quickly did some math in my head and tried so hard to figure out how this information could have possibly gotten by me for so long. She quickly went on to explain that she had been married once for 2 ½ years to a guy that ended up leaving her – just leaving … like just left.
She went on to tell me that 6 months into their marriage he informed her that he was no longer a Christian and didn’t want anything to do with any of it any more. I don’t think you have to be a Christian to understand the magnitude of this on her. If you don’t, let me explain. We all have things that we look for in a potential mate, some of these things are ‘deal breakers’. For many people religion, life style choices, parenting opinions, even attire, are ‘deal breakers’. Perhaps you could be of one religion and you meet someone of another religion and it is not a deal breaker when you meet and so you marry and go about life the way it is and you all get along, respect each other’s opinions and choices (even if you don’t completely agree) and you grow together in other areas of your life. I’m going to guess though, in this case the Christianity part was a key factor in keeping together as it was a key factor in bringing this couple together (she said it was his most attractive quality to her). It’s kind of like if 2 really fat, inactive gluttons get together and one decides one day they aren’t going to live like that anymore and they can’t stand living with the other person anymore, so they leave.
At any rate he couldn’t stand her Christian part and told her so, she informed him that as was the decision before the marriage, divorce was not an option for her. They went to counseling and after two years of vacations, some good times and no doubts some struggles, he left for good. As she told her story I continually had to remind myself to process what she was saying and try (to some degree) to understand what she went through. The truth is though I can’t. I have no idea what it’s like to wake up and have my husband totally renege on his profession of who he is and the promises he’s made. In all honesty, I only know what it’s like to be on the other end – the one who does the changing.
As Lady told her story I had a wave of realization that struck me. Lately I have been struggling a bit with wondering if mine and Wally’s marriage is ‘good enough’ and this has mostly been done by comparing our marriage to other people’s marriages. I look at Smiles and Bro who have been married 6 years and don’t’ have kids, they got married young (Smiles was only 18) and they are sweet on each other. I mean truly sweet, like ‘bunnycakes’, ‘sweetie pie’ and ‘pumpkin’ kind of sweet. I know I’ve talked to Bro about this and he’s clarified that things aren’t always perfect and all that, but really, if Wally ever (and I mean EVER) called me any of those names I’d deck him. In fact he knows that if he wants to irritate me, all he has to do is call me one of those names and I’m at an irrational 8 immediately. We’re just not like that.
Therefore my mind gets going making me think ‘I don’t love Wally enough, maybe I don’t love him at all, it’s not fair to him for me to be like that, I should make myself into a sweet adorable softy wife’. You see Wally is the one who constantly tells me he loves me, that I’m the best thing in his life, and that he couldn’t ask for a better wife. And I’m the one who doesn’t’ always say ‘I love you’ back (because I do it in other ways why do I have to say it every ten minutes), who isn’t into touchy feely all the time, who gets annoyed when his good byes take ten minutes because we’ve said good bye already why must we make it a production. I mean I do love Wally, and I am truly thankful that he is in my life, but I don’t use words and touch to speak ‘I love you’ (all of the time) and in this world that generally means ‘I’m not really that into you, so I’m headed to the next person – good bye!’
I am going somewhere with this. As Lady spoke of her experience I realized: Wally and I have indeed faced a similar dilemma regarding the changing of our faith and believe system. After my aunt died and I lost other family and some friends I did A LOT of changing. My core believe system changed incredibly, the way I wanted to live it out changed insanely and even how I spoke and wanted to live my life changed drastically. When we married we planned for me to stay at home with our kids and never work, we planned never to move, we knew who we liked in life and who we didn’t, and we definitely knew how we would raise our non existent children. Over the years I have developed so differently from who I was when I made a stack full of promises to my groom. But through it all instead of growing apart and becoming different, we grew together and sometimes I cannot believe how incredible that is.
After hearing Lady’s past and how hard she tried to make things work, yet not compromise who she was, and in the end she lost the person who she’d promised so much to and who had promised so much to her. I became aware of how amazing it was that Wally and I have been able to stick it out and get better through it. I don’t know why it works out for some and not others, and I feel sad that Lady had to go through such a heart breaking experience, leaving her so slow to trust, but I am so grateful for Wally and his commitment to our life together because without it I’m not sure where we’d be right now. I think it’s a reminder too that no matter who you marry or how you think something will turn out you can never be sure but rather you need to be aware of how fleeting life is (along with the relationships in it), you never know how something can change someone – or even yourself.
Though #18 was one of the items on my list that at the time of writing it I would have loved to have avoided - I am so glad I didn’t. My eyes were opened (as I suspected they would be), but even more so my heart was opened up to another person and their experiences. I feel as though lately my life has just been one great big ball of relating and learning. I really have felt more alive in the past 23 days than I did previously (and I felt pretty lively before that). Though my list entails so much more than coffee dates with people I have found that those have really affected my the most.
And I still have 18 more days to go!
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