Well a week from now Wally and I will likely be over an ocean somewhere just about in Thailand.
We can hardly believe it.
Yesterday was the day to get things done including booking our park, SLEEP, and fly hotel room for Friday, looking into yet STILL not committed to our 3 night stay in Bangkok on our way back, picking up Wally some sandals since we thought he had thrown his old ones out last year (then we found out they were still in the closet!!). We went to Home Depot to get some house stuff for my dad to install, returned some pants that I should've never thought I could wear, getting some money exchanged into Thai currency and a stop for frozen yogurt.
We learned in our travels ...
* travel agencies are useless
* don't expect your bank to exchange money for you even if their website tell you they can
* don't trust scanners at the shoe store
* buying your favourite snacks for travel is best done within minutes before locking your luggage up
* planning is exhausting
* we are more ready than we've ever been to go on this trip even though we honestly have no idea what we are doing or what to expect
While with friends today at lunch we were speaking of the trip and I commented how I couldn't have ever imagined ten years ago when we were married that we'd be spending our diamond anniversary doing this trip.
It's a dream come true in so many ways.
It's really only been in the past few months that I can imagine us actually being able to do this. I finally feel fairly confident that we will not only survive this trip still married at the end but we may actually BOTH enjoy it and be brought closer together. I can hope anyways.
This morning I did lots of packing and planning. We initially thought that maybe we wouldn't need our two large suitcases but once we actually put our clothes into them we realized indeed they were both needed. I'm just glad I'm not as high maintainance (sp?) as many other women.
Right now I am exhausted (I've been complaining about that a lot lately) and now finally feeling allowed to be more excited than worried. I trust that the end of our trip will fall into place.
I won't likely be blogging while away as we're not taking our laptop and I like privacy when writing. Instead I'll be journaling lots and will post when we arrive home. Maybe, just maybe I'll share some pictures.
For not I have to go. Pray for us.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
YAY!!
I'm sitting here in my favourite chair after work. I'm done for the weekend.
I should be tidying up and making something for dinner. We have a money man friend coming to help us figure out some stuff tonight.
Some observances...
I'm so exhausted (an observation not a complaint).
I feel nauseous.
*interrupted by phone*
GOOD NEWS!!!!!
Wally just called to tell me our income tax is done!!!! AAAANNNNNNDDDDD ....
We will have enough to pay for our trip AND purchase a few extras for our home!!!!
Now I don't care about the other stuff!!
Ahhhhhhh.
I feel so much better. Much because I was just having faith that the money would come to pay our way but I had no guarantees and if it hadn't have worked out yet another 'discussion' would ensue.
Oh my goodness I feel so much better.
I think I need to go and enjoy this feeling while accomplishing something.
Later!
P.S. I was going to share that we found a dogsitter for the second half o four time away AND .... hmmmmm there was something else good that happened. Oh yeah! we figured out why our bank account was in the negatives. We only keep the amount we need in it and put what is extra into our savings account. So when the bank made the mistake the past couple of months of taking out only 1 mortgage payment rather than every other week it left us in not such a fabulous place. Now I need to visit the bank to straighten this out.
I shall remain excited for the good!!
I should be tidying up and making something for dinner. We have a money man friend coming to help us figure out some stuff tonight.
Some observances...
I'm so exhausted (an observation not a complaint).
I feel nauseous.
*interrupted by phone*
GOOD NEWS!!!!!
Wally just called to tell me our income tax is done!!!! AAAANNNNNNDDDDD ....
We will have enough to pay for our trip AND purchase a few extras for our home!!!!
Now I don't care about the other stuff!!
Ahhhhhhh.
I feel so much better. Much because I was just having faith that the money would come to pay our way but I had no guarantees and if it hadn't have worked out yet another 'discussion' would ensue.
Oh my goodness I feel so much better.
I think I need to go and enjoy this feeling while accomplishing something.
Later!
P.S. I was going to share that we found a dogsitter for the second half o four time away AND .... hmmmmm there was something else good that happened. Oh yeah! we figured out why our bank account was in the negatives. We only keep the amount we need in it and put what is extra into our savings account. So when the bank made the mistake the past couple of months of taking out only 1 mortgage payment rather than every other week it left us in not such a fabulous place. Now I need to visit the bank to straighten this out.
I shall remain excited for the good!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
My favourite ugly chair
Ok so my last post seemed kind of like a downer so I thought I'd throw in a more positive one to balance it out.
I have this chair.
I got it when my grandmother passed away (the one I've written about in the past that my family and myself cared for until she died).
It is a large, deep, brown tweed sitting chair that just sits.
I'm guessing it was bought in the sixties and was part of a set. (I had the couch but when we moved to the apartment we had to get rid of it). I kept the chair because it is just so comfortable.
In our new house, after first moving in, it sat near the fireplace at the far end of the room away from the window.
We have our living room painted a rather dark colour so without the light from the window some areas aren't conducive to great reading. I love the chair for reading.
Well last week the matching love seat that goes with our couch got dropped off. I was really excited because I hate it when things are left 'in the air'. I worry that the company is going to rip us off, that when it comes it'll be damaged, or that the colours won't match (wow I sound like such a priss, I probly am).
Any woo I was glad when the waiting was over and for the first time ever we would have new matching furniture to sit on.
My favourite chair (by the way, NOT it's appearance) was moved to a spot right in front of the window.
Let me tell you, I had no idea how much my perspective on the room, the chair and my life could change JUST by moving my favourite chair.
Since the big move I have enjoyed, what seems to be a new oasis just for me.
Monday, as the sun came up, I enjoyed reading with a cup of tea. I noticed the beautiful light, the fact that I felt warm (physically and emotionally) and just hugged my everything.
I have since began to use this space (with the help of Wally's old laptop) as my blogging spot, e-mail area, and information absorbing centre.
When I want to get away from the media I just flip down the laptop lid and put it out of sight. It's amazing!!
It helps that Wally and I have never been ones to like having our tv and stuff in our main living room. Even in our former little home that did not have an unfinished basement we used one of our spares as a little tv room.
We have been fortunate to have the extra spaces, though even when we didn't we had specifically bought a GIANT tv armoire to hide our media when company was over.
I could totally write an essay on perspective changing, how simple it can be, how freeing and life changing as well, in regards to moving my favourite, rather unattractive, chair around. But I'm not in the mood.
I just wanted to share my excitement over a little thing that is making a big difference.
I love my tweed, brown, ugly-to-the-eye chair.
It hugs me every time I sit in it.
For some reason I don't mind it's hugs :)
I have this chair.
I got it when my grandmother passed away (the one I've written about in the past that my family and myself cared for until she died).
It is a large, deep, brown tweed sitting chair that just sits.
I'm guessing it was bought in the sixties and was part of a set. (I had the couch but when we moved to the apartment we had to get rid of it). I kept the chair because it is just so comfortable.
In our new house, after first moving in, it sat near the fireplace at the far end of the room away from the window.
We have our living room painted a rather dark colour so without the light from the window some areas aren't conducive to great reading. I love the chair for reading.
Well last week the matching love seat that goes with our couch got dropped off. I was really excited because I hate it when things are left 'in the air'. I worry that the company is going to rip us off, that when it comes it'll be damaged, or that the colours won't match (wow I sound like such a priss, I probly am).
Any woo I was glad when the waiting was over and for the first time ever we would have new matching furniture to sit on.
My favourite chair (by the way, NOT it's appearance) was moved to a spot right in front of the window.
Let me tell you, I had no idea how much my perspective on the room, the chair and my life could change JUST by moving my favourite chair.
Since the big move I have enjoyed, what seems to be a new oasis just for me.
Monday, as the sun came up, I enjoyed reading with a cup of tea. I noticed the beautiful light, the fact that I felt warm (physically and emotionally) and just hugged my everything.
I have since began to use this space (with the help of Wally's old laptop) as my blogging spot, e-mail area, and information absorbing centre.
When I want to get away from the media I just flip down the laptop lid and put it out of sight. It's amazing!!
It helps that Wally and I have never been ones to like having our tv and stuff in our main living room. Even in our former little home that did not have an unfinished basement we used one of our spares as a little tv room.
We have been fortunate to have the extra spaces, though even when we didn't we had specifically bought a GIANT tv armoire to hide our media when company was over.
I could totally write an essay on perspective changing, how simple it can be, how freeing and life changing as well, in regards to moving my favourite, rather unattractive, chair around. But I'm not in the mood.
I just wanted to share my excitement over a little thing that is making a big difference.
I love my tweed, brown, ugly-to-the-eye chair.
It hugs me every time I sit in it.
For some reason I don't mind it's hugs :)
Overwhelmingness
Oh wow. I can't even describe in words how many balls I feel are in the air right now.
Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's all of my own doing but they are there and seem very ready to crash down on me (hopefully their nerf balls).
Unfortunately none of the pieces seem to be from the same puzzle!
Last night Wally had found some links on government statuses regarding safety traveling abroad. Where we're going has the highest level of caution and the government asks travelers not to go there unessentially. Of course this sparked one of many great debates over this trip.
We went to bed disappointed in eachother and neither of us slept all that well.
Lucky for me I had amazing contacts where we are going that both replied immediately to my questions of concern and completely eased my fears (hopefully Wally's too).
I have to be honest, being so opposite is a challenge most of the time. Thankfully as much of the time we seem to work through it (not without a few things being strewn about on my part - it helps to throw things I tell you!).
Wally just texted me about the fact that we need to buy fanny packs to keep our precious documents while we're traveling. Apparently this is now a condition on us going.
I simply replied no and when he asked where I'd put my stuff I said 'In my bra, there's tonnes of room in there'.
Of course I am glad that Wally is so detail oriented. It will probably keep me out of jail while we're there (I'm not even kidding).
Other fun (being sarcastic) aspects of our trip I've been challenged by are comments from the workplace peanut gallery. Well, only one peanut I guess.
I had someone I work with ask me yesterday how my trip had been. I told her I hadn't gone yet. She asked how long I'd be away. I said '12 days'.
She retorted 'Is that long enough to save the world?' *snort*
If it wasn't for the fact that she's several months pregnant I'd had probably tried to push her over the 2 story balcony we were on (oh, and because she could likely crush me with her big toe).
I had to let the stuff some people say go because she is also someone who said in the same conversation 'I have this friend who thinks she needs 2 days off in a row every week. Psst.' Then stared me down. Clearly she knows I'm one of those people. Clearly I didn't care because I confirmed her suspicions by saying 'I'm one of those!' She then went on to complain about her work schedule.
Other trip fun ...
I am yet to find a dog sitter for the final week we are away. By dogs aren't bad but there are two of them and outside of their natural environment (except for 'Grandma's') their behaviour is questionable. Sour gets stressed out. Which I don't really care too much about except that it alters his 'functions' if you get my drift.
After going through my summer wardrobe I realized I'm a hussy. Ok not really. I just noticed that my required modest attire would need to be acquired. My t-shirts are likely too snug and I don't seem to have many of them. I'm wondering if I gave away half my summer wardrobe in the fall. I tend to get into a rip and begin giving the needy most of what I own just because I like getting rid of stuff. (And no, it's not because I like buying new clothes, in fact I hate clothes shopping).
Something else to hash out is how we're getting to the airport. Is it cheaper to stay the night before in a hotel that gives free parking while you're away and gives you a ride to the airport? Should we take a travel van there and back? Do we just drive ourselves and pay big bucks to leave our car? We don't know of anyone that would drive us. Well, we havent' asked but to be honest don't know anyone that seems like they'd want to make that commitment.
There's also the planning of our 2 1/2 days in Bangkok. What to do? Where to stay? How much?
Wally and I are hoping that we'll figure out all of our trip stuff this weekend as we're going NEXT weekend (WOW!!).
My head is swirling and that's only the trip stuff.
Other things on my mind:
* my parents are staying for 2 nights at our place while we're gone and my dad is doing some fix ups - we need to decide on some of the materials and pick them up before we go.
* Wally just looked at our bank account and noticed we're in the negatives. (This doesn't include our little savings account but still...). I have no idea what happened and am glad we both get paid soon. We need to make a budget on paper because it's disappearing and I have no idea where (we're not overly extravagant spenders - meaning we PLAN our spending). We'll figure it out, I'm generally a genius with penny pinching (yes I'm ok with being cocky about that).
* Our computer desk looks like our filing cabinet threw up.
*It's income tax time. This is actually how we're paying for our trip. We're praying and expecting a return that should not only cover the trip but also to make some essential home purchases for the spring (lawnmower, BBQ - yes the BBQ is essential). I hate gathering the paper work and pray that our taxes are done before we go away.
* Recently I finished my 'Clean Eating Classes' that were supposed to raise fund for Compasio. 3 of the people that came EVERY WEEK have seemed not to get the paying part of the class. They are great and I explained things several times (in terms of money) but so far nothing :(
* I think my sitemeter's broken and the cheques being sent aren't being applied to the meter. This makes me sad even though it's not a huge deal or shouldn't be. It keeping be aspiring. I need to relax.
So I just spent a whole lot of time complaining. I could go on, because I'm gifted that way. I won't win awards for being positive or overly generous today, but I don't really care right now. I just want to make it through my week and take some time to breath.
Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's all of my own doing but they are there and seem very ready to crash down on me (hopefully their nerf balls).
Unfortunately none of the pieces seem to be from the same puzzle!
Last night Wally had found some links on government statuses regarding safety traveling abroad. Where we're going has the highest level of caution and the government asks travelers not to go there unessentially. Of course this sparked one of many great debates over this trip.
We went to bed disappointed in eachother and neither of us slept all that well.
Lucky for me I had amazing contacts where we are going that both replied immediately to my questions of concern and completely eased my fears (hopefully Wally's too).
I have to be honest, being so opposite is a challenge most of the time. Thankfully as much of the time we seem to work through it (not without a few things being strewn about on my part - it helps to throw things I tell you!).
Wally just texted me about the fact that we need to buy fanny packs to keep our precious documents while we're traveling. Apparently this is now a condition on us going.
I simply replied no and when he asked where I'd put my stuff I said 'In my bra, there's tonnes of room in there'.
Of course I am glad that Wally is so detail oriented. It will probably keep me out of jail while we're there (I'm not even kidding).
Other fun (being sarcastic) aspects of our trip I've been challenged by are comments from the workplace peanut gallery. Well, only one peanut I guess.
I had someone I work with ask me yesterday how my trip had been. I told her I hadn't gone yet. She asked how long I'd be away. I said '12 days'.
She retorted 'Is that long enough to save the world?' *snort*
If it wasn't for the fact that she's several months pregnant I'd had probably tried to push her over the 2 story balcony we were on (oh, and because she could likely crush me with her big toe).
I had to let the stuff some people say go because she is also someone who said in the same conversation 'I have this friend who thinks she needs 2 days off in a row every week. Psst.' Then stared me down. Clearly she knows I'm one of those people. Clearly I didn't care because I confirmed her suspicions by saying 'I'm one of those!' She then went on to complain about her work schedule.
Other trip fun ...
I am yet to find a dog sitter for the final week we are away. By dogs aren't bad but there are two of them and outside of their natural environment (except for 'Grandma's') their behaviour is questionable. Sour gets stressed out. Which I don't really care too much about except that it alters his 'functions' if you get my drift.
After going through my summer wardrobe I realized I'm a hussy. Ok not really. I just noticed that my required modest attire would need to be acquired. My t-shirts are likely too snug and I don't seem to have many of them. I'm wondering if I gave away half my summer wardrobe in the fall. I tend to get into a rip and begin giving the needy most of what I own just because I like getting rid of stuff. (And no, it's not because I like buying new clothes, in fact I hate clothes shopping).
Something else to hash out is how we're getting to the airport. Is it cheaper to stay the night before in a hotel that gives free parking while you're away and gives you a ride to the airport? Should we take a travel van there and back? Do we just drive ourselves and pay big bucks to leave our car? We don't know of anyone that would drive us. Well, we havent' asked but to be honest don't know anyone that seems like they'd want to make that commitment.
There's also the planning of our 2 1/2 days in Bangkok. What to do? Where to stay? How much?
Wally and I are hoping that we'll figure out all of our trip stuff this weekend as we're going NEXT weekend (WOW!!).
My head is swirling and that's only the trip stuff.
Other things on my mind:
* my parents are staying for 2 nights at our place while we're gone and my dad is doing some fix ups - we need to decide on some of the materials and pick them up before we go.
* Wally just looked at our bank account and noticed we're in the negatives. (This doesn't include our little savings account but still...). I have no idea what happened and am glad we both get paid soon. We need to make a budget on paper because it's disappearing and I have no idea where (we're not overly extravagant spenders - meaning we PLAN our spending). We'll figure it out, I'm generally a genius with penny pinching (yes I'm ok with being cocky about that).
* Our computer desk looks like our filing cabinet threw up.
*It's income tax time. This is actually how we're paying for our trip. We're praying and expecting a return that should not only cover the trip but also to make some essential home purchases for the spring (lawnmower, BBQ - yes the BBQ is essential). I hate gathering the paper work and pray that our taxes are done before we go away.
* Recently I finished my 'Clean Eating Classes' that were supposed to raise fund for Compasio. 3 of the people that came EVERY WEEK have seemed not to get the paying part of the class. They are great and I explained things several times (in terms of money) but so far nothing :(
* I think my sitemeter's broken and the cheques being sent aren't being applied to the meter. This makes me sad even though it's not a huge deal or shouldn't be. It keeping be aspiring. I need to relax.
So I just spent a whole lot of time complaining. I could go on, because I'm gifted that way. I won't win awards for being positive or overly generous today, but I don't really care right now. I just want to make it through my week and take some time to breath.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The Bachelorette
I'm a Bachelor for a couple of days.
Well, only for tonight and the rest of tomorrow. Wally was told on Monday that he would be sent out of province for today and tomorrow. He got up at 4am to drive a couple of hours to the airport to catch his flight, while I stayed in bed (until 15 minutes after he'd left, then i couldn't stand it anymore and I got up).
I discovered that I would be a very good typical bachelor.
I ordered in tonight. I came home to a huge pile of dishes. Half dirty, half clean. I've continues to leave clothes strewn about (at one point I had to shimmy into a corner of our rec room in the basement in order to change into my pjs I'd abandoned there this morning. I didn't really want our neighbours to watch.
I forgot to feed the dogs tonight. Neglected walking them, yet I have let them play in the yard.
I turned up the furnace to 19 degrees Celsius AND have the fireplace on full blast.
I have kept all of Wally's rules about leaving a certain number of lights on and keeping the doors locked tight.
In classic girl fashion I bought some pre made cookie dough to consume in moderation before actually baking some. It's 9:45 pm and they just got out of the oven. that's the kind of bachelor (ette) I would be.
I'm pretty sure I'm currently harvesting a tapeworm. Hope he's warm.
I never lived on my own before Wally and I got hitched so I'm choosing to look at this as fun. The only other time I've really had without Wally around was the first year we were married and he went to a 10 day leadership thingy in Illinois. I wasn't able to enjoy that to it's fullest potential at that point.
Don't get me wrong. I miss him. But sometimes, when you know the missing will result in enjoying later on, it's ok.
When no one took the bate right away on my facebook invite for dinner and a chat I ordered my food and settled in with the DVD copy of 'Eat, Pray, Love' I had asked for for Christmas.
I have to admit, the old truth of 'the book is better than the movie' is certainly true with this one as well however there is something about the movie that hits me differently everytime I see it.
I dont' particularly love the movie. There are parts of it I find ... kind of dirty (not in a sexual way) and gooey (not in a mushy way). I don't know. It's just weird.
BUT in saying all this I have to say again, there's something about it.
It could be that it takes me back to when I was reading the book. The fact that I read it during my 'retreat' back in June (you could check out what I learned if you go back to mid June posts - I'm not capable yet of putting in a link).
Though I loved the book and didn't want it to end, it didn't have any particular connection, per say to what I learned on my retreat. About my realizing I am called to be a mom. (Doesn't sound all that remarkable but discovering it was for me).
What I find a little interesting is that when I saw the movie in the theatre something at the end DID hit me surrounding what I learned on my retreat.
It was the part when Liz is with Ketut and he is telling her something to the affect of 'Losing balance is part of ...' oh shoot! I can't remember exactly and I can't find my book!
Well, it was something about loosing the balance she was wanting to cling to, being love and life. (I really messed that up but I think that was sort of the gist).
It struck me right then in the theatre about my fears of becoming a mother and how so many of them were rooted in the fact that I wouldn't be able to be me, to pursue new things, to go places, meet people and just be creative.
In saying that now I realize that's exactly what motherhood is but I don't want to settle for 'average'. I want the best 'us' we can be.
Anyhoo, I realized that I was trying to hold onto a 'balance' or something without realizing that by letting go I would gain so much more in life and love. It was my little ... wake up moment.
Tonight however, things were a bit different.
I watched the movie and resonated with something else. Something much earlier in the movie.
After the movie came out I remember hearing many people (who hadn't read the book) say how selfish they perceived the author to be. It's hard for me to be objective as I read the book and had a different point of view.
Seeing as I really identified with Elizabeth Gilbert in her heartache over her marriage, her desire to explore, her hope to find perfect balance, I was completely offended.
She was me. I was her. Like many women my life has felt out of control, turned out far from what I had planned and the disappointment of it had landed heavily in the middle of my heart.
I felt what she was feeling, whether selfish or not, I knew, to some degree her distress.
Back to tonight's viewing.
As I watched through most of the first half of the movie I was moved in a different way. This time I remembered the sadness and despair I felt in the past but no longer identified with it as a present emotion. This time I was looking back, rather than in a mirror.
How could that much change in a few months? I don't know. I may be making it out to sound worse than it was last summer when I saw the movie for the first time. I just remember feeling it to some degree.
This time I noticed it but felt the gratitude for the diversities in our husbands, or maybe even in ourselves. I was thankful that though I'd spent many a nights lying in bed frustrated and scared that the marriage I had was all there was and worried that I would not experience fuller love and a deeper respect than I did at that time. I was so sad at how life had changed us both.
I've mentioned this a couple of times in the last few days and dont' mean to sound like a broken record but it needs to be said: people can grow, they can change, maturity and love can come out of the least likeliest of places.
Back when I was a young girl my dream guy was someone who was self confident, capable, smart, strong, sensitive, respectful, caring, a man of integrity who longed to provide and enjoy a family.
For many years I did not have that in it's fullest state. To be honest I don't think I was mature or ready enough to receive that out of a man.
Over the past few weeks, out of what seems to be nowhere, I have noticed my dream man enter my life. I feel as though so much of it is connected to our Thailand trip to come but at this point I'm not sure how.
it's kind of funny how you often plan and intend for something to give you one thing and you end up getting something entirely different instead.
I'm a little anxious to see how this trip will change both Wally and myself. As well as Wally and Eva together.
I don't think I'm entirely prepared.
But then again, I don't think I'm supposed to be.
Well, only for tonight and the rest of tomorrow. Wally was told on Monday that he would be sent out of province for today and tomorrow. He got up at 4am to drive a couple of hours to the airport to catch his flight, while I stayed in bed (until 15 minutes after he'd left, then i couldn't stand it anymore and I got up).
I discovered that I would be a very good typical bachelor.
I ordered in tonight. I came home to a huge pile of dishes. Half dirty, half clean. I've continues to leave clothes strewn about (at one point I had to shimmy into a corner of our rec room in the basement in order to change into my pjs I'd abandoned there this morning. I didn't really want our neighbours to watch.
I forgot to feed the dogs tonight. Neglected walking them, yet I have let them play in the yard.
I turned up the furnace to 19 degrees Celsius AND have the fireplace on full blast.
I have kept all of Wally's rules about leaving a certain number of lights on and keeping the doors locked tight.
In classic girl fashion I bought some pre made cookie dough to consume in moderation before actually baking some. It's 9:45 pm and they just got out of the oven. that's the kind of bachelor (ette) I would be.
I'm pretty sure I'm currently harvesting a tapeworm. Hope he's warm.
I never lived on my own before Wally and I got hitched so I'm choosing to look at this as fun. The only other time I've really had without Wally around was the first year we were married and he went to a 10 day leadership thingy in Illinois. I wasn't able to enjoy that to it's fullest potential at that point.
Don't get me wrong. I miss him. But sometimes, when you know the missing will result in enjoying later on, it's ok.
When no one took the bate right away on my facebook invite for dinner and a chat I ordered my food and settled in with the DVD copy of 'Eat, Pray, Love' I had asked for for Christmas.
I have to admit, the old truth of 'the book is better than the movie' is certainly true with this one as well however there is something about the movie that hits me differently everytime I see it.
I dont' particularly love the movie. There are parts of it I find ... kind of dirty (not in a sexual way) and gooey (not in a mushy way). I don't know. It's just weird.
BUT in saying all this I have to say again, there's something about it.
It could be that it takes me back to when I was reading the book. The fact that I read it during my 'retreat' back in June (you could check out what I learned if you go back to mid June posts - I'm not capable yet of putting in a link).
Though I loved the book and didn't want it to end, it didn't have any particular connection, per say to what I learned on my retreat. About my realizing I am called to be a mom. (Doesn't sound all that remarkable but discovering it was for me).
What I find a little interesting is that when I saw the movie in the theatre something at the end DID hit me surrounding what I learned on my retreat.
It was the part when Liz is with Ketut and he is telling her something to the affect of 'Losing balance is part of ...' oh shoot! I can't remember exactly and I can't find my book!
Well, it was something about loosing the balance she was wanting to cling to, being love and life. (I really messed that up but I think that was sort of the gist).
It struck me right then in the theatre about my fears of becoming a mother and how so many of them were rooted in the fact that I wouldn't be able to be me, to pursue new things, to go places, meet people and just be creative.
In saying that now I realize that's exactly what motherhood is but I don't want to settle for 'average'. I want the best 'us' we can be.
Anyhoo, I realized that I was trying to hold onto a 'balance' or something without realizing that by letting go I would gain so much more in life and love. It was my little ... wake up moment.
Tonight however, things were a bit different.
I watched the movie and resonated with something else. Something much earlier in the movie.
After the movie came out I remember hearing many people (who hadn't read the book) say how selfish they perceived the author to be. It's hard for me to be objective as I read the book and had a different point of view.
Seeing as I really identified with Elizabeth Gilbert in her heartache over her marriage, her desire to explore, her hope to find perfect balance, I was completely offended.
She was me. I was her. Like many women my life has felt out of control, turned out far from what I had planned and the disappointment of it had landed heavily in the middle of my heart.
I felt what she was feeling, whether selfish or not, I knew, to some degree her distress.
Back to tonight's viewing.
As I watched through most of the first half of the movie I was moved in a different way. This time I remembered the sadness and despair I felt in the past but no longer identified with it as a present emotion. This time I was looking back, rather than in a mirror.
How could that much change in a few months? I don't know. I may be making it out to sound worse than it was last summer when I saw the movie for the first time. I just remember feeling it to some degree.
This time I noticed it but felt the gratitude for the diversities in our husbands, or maybe even in ourselves. I was thankful that though I'd spent many a nights lying in bed frustrated and scared that the marriage I had was all there was and worried that I would not experience fuller love and a deeper respect than I did at that time. I was so sad at how life had changed us both.
I've mentioned this a couple of times in the last few days and dont' mean to sound like a broken record but it needs to be said: people can grow, they can change, maturity and love can come out of the least likeliest of places.
Back when I was a young girl my dream guy was someone who was self confident, capable, smart, strong, sensitive, respectful, caring, a man of integrity who longed to provide and enjoy a family.
For many years I did not have that in it's fullest state. To be honest I don't think I was mature or ready enough to receive that out of a man.
Over the past few weeks, out of what seems to be nowhere, I have noticed my dream man enter my life. I feel as though so much of it is connected to our Thailand trip to come but at this point I'm not sure how.
it's kind of funny how you often plan and intend for something to give you one thing and you end up getting something entirely different instead.
I'm a little anxious to see how this trip will change both Wally and myself. As well as Wally and Eva together.
I don't think I'm entirely prepared.
But then again, I don't think I'm supposed to be.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Buying plane tickets and other adventures ...
So I alluded to this in my last post and now I will tell you for sure....
Wally and I have booked our tickets to Thailand!!!!
We are so excited - both of us.
I'm not sure how it happened or even why on that particular day (Sunday past) but after some discussion on the possibility of taking a couple of days to just roam around Bangkok before heading home we both felt at peace with the decision to go ahead and purchase our tickets.
It was actually kind of an eventful day Sunday.
We spent the early part of it painting our 'someday' child's room. Of course in great Wally and Eva fashion we ran out of paint. We always run out of paint. I guess it's our thing. Don't ever look too close in our closets.
Between coats I cut Wally's hair. When we finished I sat to do some knitting (I'm a very early beginner), when I realized there was a scandal beneath the surface of the neatly wound yarn that I was seeing. As I pulled for more, resistance met me and thus began several hours of detangling.
I honestly never thought I'd get it done but by 8:30pm I did and I was excited!
I'm not sure what solving a yarn dilemma has to do with the need to purchase plane tickets but in doing so I decided to reward myself by looking into our trip.
After a couple of e-mails exchanged with Glo on where to get the best deals I had found one and got the go ahead from her to buy.
In my excitement over finding a deal I had abandoned 2 squares of my 70% dark chocolate on the couch (Can I just emphasize how uncharacteristic this was of me - apparently resolving yarn conflict can be that life altering!).
I hadn't thought twice about leaving the chocolate or the fact that our dogs were all about because, first of all, I would never normally leave chocolate, and second of all they never ever care about eating people food really.
Well, it appeared that evening I should've thought twice.
After sharing with Wally that I'd found our tickets, who was distracted watching Anne Hathaway do a song and dance number, he asked me 'Did you eat your chocolate?'
I answered 'No, did you?'
'No' he said.
It was then we both looked down at our youngest fur child and saw him smacking his lips in shear delight.
We quickly shook out the old comforter he was standing on to see if by chance he had only licked the lonely snack left behind. No dice.
Sour had indeed ingested 20 grams of dark chocolate.
I went about my business with the tickets 'So are we ready to buy?'
While Wally dashed to the computer to google 'What to do when your dog eats chocolate' (how did we solve life's problems before google?).
Knowing that the tickets would have to wait until Wally's over reaction was done I resumed with my knitting as if nothing had happened, trying to be patient until I could click 'confirm' on our ticket order.
Wally began spouting off information left and right. Smoke began to billow out of his ears. More so when I said I wasn't going to take Sour into the emergency vet for a couple of hundred dollars when I was perfectly capable of sticking my finger down his throat to induce vomiting.
Wally kept searching. I kept knitting.
'Are you freakin' crazy? He could die!'
'Oh he'll be fine stop over reacting. If it would make you feel better I'll call the vet and ask, I'm sure it's just an old wives' tale'.
Wally threw the phone to me (actually I think it was at me but perhaps he had reason).
I called the vet and sure enough the amount of dark chocolate Sour had consumed was toxic enough to possibly induce seizures, vomiting, diarrhea and even maybe death.
'Ok so you were right, let's go' I declared with an ever so tiny white flag hidden in my voice - very tiny.
All four of us (we couldn't leave Sweet behind), piled into our car at 9:40pm and headed off to emerge with Sour still enjoying the taste of chocolate on his furry little lips.
By 10:30pm we were home none worse for the wear (well depending who you asked, or who's wallet you asked), Sour sporting an ever so blackened beard from the charcoal they put into him.
'So, can we buy the tickets?' I asked.
There was humming and hawing but there must have been some sort of 'ok' nod because before I knew it 'confirm' had be clicked and we were in the midst of deciding on insurance or not.
It was well past our 9:30 pm usual bedtime (yes we're 80 yr olds) when we finally crawled into bed.
Actually strike that, I think I Tigger hopped into bed asking 'how can anyone expect me to sleep at a time like this?! I'm so excited!'
Wally dug his head into a pillow, held my hand down and said what he usually does when I'm over excited about something before bed 'Please just try, you'll sleep.' I'm pretty sure he wished I came with a snooze button.
I actually did eventually fall asleep before being awakened by Sour's tick, tick, tick toenails at 2am. He had to run, because he was about to have the runs (I hate that term, my mother uses it all the time and I hate it).
I jolted awake and ran with him down the hall so he could get out the door. He made it!
Once I let him in he would NOT go back to bed right away. He tried to dart into our living room to do something on our newly purchased extra shaggy area rug. Can I say? There must be innate protective senses when a pet owner makes such an investment and the threat of doggie diarrhea looms in the air. In short, Sour did not get anywhere near the shag rug.
Next he insisted on going to the basement. I let him and followed. It was 40 minutes before he allowed me to corral him up the stairs to return to bed. He was fine for the rest of the night.
I cursed the 6 am alarm.
Wally and I bought our tickets!!! We're going to Thailand!!!
In less than 3 weeks .... oh my goodness.
We are both so excited.
Wally and I have booked our tickets to Thailand!!!!
We are so excited - both of us.
I'm not sure how it happened or even why on that particular day (Sunday past) but after some discussion on the possibility of taking a couple of days to just roam around Bangkok before heading home we both felt at peace with the decision to go ahead and purchase our tickets.
It was actually kind of an eventful day Sunday.
We spent the early part of it painting our 'someday' child's room. Of course in great Wally and Eva fashion we ran out of paint. We always run out of paint. I guess it's our thing. Don't ever look too close in our closets.
Between coats I cut Wally's hair. When we finished I sat to do some knitting (I'm a very early beginner), when I realized there was a scandal beneath the surface of the neatly wound yarn that I was seeing. As I pulled for more, resistance met me and thus began several hours of detangling.
I honestly never thought I'd get it done but by 8:30pm I did and I was excited!
I'm not sure what solving a yarn dilemma has to do with the need to purchase plane tickets but in doing so I decided to reward myself by looking into our trip.
After a couple of e-mails exchanged with Glo on where to get the best deals I had found one and got the go ahead from her to buy.
In my excitement over finding a deal I had abandoned 2 squares of my 70% dark chocolate on the couch (Can I just emphasize how uncharacteristic this was of me - apparently resolving yarn conflict can be that life altering!).
I hadn't thought twice about leaving the chocolate or the fact that our dogs were all about because, first of all, I would never normally leave chocolate, and second of all they never ever care about eating people food really.
Well, it appeared that evening I should've thought twice.
After sharing with Wally that I'd found our tickets, who was distracted watching Anne Hathaway do a song and dance number, he asked me 'Did you eat your chocolate?'
I answered 'No, did you?'
'No' he said.
It was then we both looked down at our youngest fur child and saw him smacking his lips in shear delight.
We quickly shook out the old comforter he was standing on to see if by chance he had only licked the lonely snack left behind. No dice.
Sour had indeed ingested 20 grams of dark chocolate.
I went about my business with the tickets 'So are we ready to buy?'
While Wally dashed to the computer to google 'What to do when your dog eats chocolate' (how did we solve life's problems before google?).
Knowing that the tickets would have to wait until Wally's over reaction was done I resumed with my knitting as if nothing had happened, trying to be patient until I could click 'confirm' on our ticket order.
Wally began spouting off information left and right. Smoke began to billow out of his ears. More so when I said I wasn't going to take Sour into the emergency vet for a couple of hundred dollars when I was perfectly capable of sticking my finger down his throat to induce vomiting.
Wally kept searching. I kept knitting.
'Are you freakin' crazy? He could die!'
'Oh he'll be fine stop over reacting. If it would make you feel better I'll call the vet and ask, I'm sure it's just an old wives' tale'.
Wally threw the phone to me (actually I think it was at me but perhaps he had reason).
I called the vet and sure enough the amount of dark chocolate Sour had consumed was toxic enough to possibly induce seizures, vomiting, diarrhea and even maybe death.
'Ok so you were right, let's go' I declared with an ever so tiny white flag hidden in my voice - very tiny.
All four of us (we couldn't leave Sweet behind), piled into our car at 9:40pm and headed off to emerge with Sour still enjoying the taste of chocolate on his furry little lips.
By 10:30pm we were home none worse for the wear (well depending who you asked, or who's wallet you asked), Sour sporting an ever so blackened beard from the charcoal they put into him.
'So, can we buy the tickets?' I asked.
There was humming and hawing but there must have been some sort of 'ok' nod because before I knew it 'confirm' had be clicked and we were in the midst of deciding on insurance or not.
It was well past our 9:30 pm usual bedtime (yes we're 80 yr olds) when we finally crawled into bed.
Actually strike that, I think I Tigger hopped into bed asking 'how can anyone expect me to sleep at a time like this?! I'm so excited!'
Wally dug his head into a pillow, held my hand down and said what he usually does when I'm over excited about something before bed 'Please just try, you'll sleep.' I'm pretty sure he wished I came with a snooze button.
I actually did eventually fall asleep before being awakened by Sour's tick, tick, tick toenails at 2am. He had to run, because he was about to have the runs (I hate that term, my mother uses it all the time and I hate it).
I jolted awake and ran with him down the hall so he could get out the door. He made it!
Once I let him in he would NOT go back to bed right away. He tried to dart into our living room to do something on our newly purchased extra shaggy area rug. Can I say? There must be innate protective senses when a pet owner makes such an investment and the threat of doggie diarrhea looms in the air. In short, Sour did not get anywhere near the shag rug.
Next he insisted on going to the basement. I let him and followed. It was 40 minutes before he allowed me to corral him up the stairs to return to bed. He was fine for the rest of the night.
I cursed the 6 am alarm.
Wally and I bought our tickets!!! We're going to Thailand!!!
In less than 3 weeks .... oh my goodness.
We are both so excited.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Dreamin'
Can I tell you a secret?
I've been blogging on my other blog for the past couple of weeks. If you don't remember, it's the one surrounding my body.
I didn't want to say anything because I didn't' want my writing to become dishonest or staged. I feel in a rhythm so I'm no longer afraid of this. (If you're interested, you'll find it under my profile).
I have so much to share right now....so much.
But today has been focused on many, many things. Things I will soon share. Great things.
For now though I will take a minute to answer a reader's question from my last post asking if I would do the dress and the aisle again, if I had a choice looking back.
I love that question. I love the honesty in it.
It's a difficult one to answer in a way, but I will try.
Up until a few weeks ago I would have probably said this: yes I'd get married but maybe I'd wait. Maybe I'd try to live on my own first, travel a lot more, go to school and date around here and there. Hmmm ... even thinking about that makes me smile a little. The dreamyness of it all, the freedom, the memories I imagine having that are water coloured and smudged around the edges.
Somehow in my memories I have a different body shape. One that looks fabulous in faded jeans with a chunky brown leather belt. One that already has the flexability and strength I am striving for right now (both physically and in my personality).
In those memories I've had the perfect loft apartment with hardwood floors a cushy couch and light white curtains over tall bright windows. I feel confident in all of the decisions I have made and ready for when the right man comes along.
It's now I give myself a shake and realize I'm living in a fantasy world. That though waiting to get married could have offered me a different life, it would not necessarily have been a better life than I have now. Who really knows?
I'm not sure if the reader was asking if I would do over the wedding or the marriage, but I can answer both.
As for the marriage. It's only been in the past few weeks, maybe even days that I can say with complete honesty that I am glad and thankful for my marriage, even in it's early arrival into my life. This is the first time I can say that I dont' regret marrying young, or not living on my own, or dating other people, or going to school.
It's taken all of the nearly ten years of marriage for me to come to this place. Probably because it's taken that long for Wally and I to become what I always hoped to be. That being said we still have a long, long way to go. And I know that's not guaranteed.
I may write more about this topic later.
As for the wedding....
I would definitely have a wedding. I believe in what it stands for, in what the meaning is. It has religious ties that I also am grounded in.
I'm not sure if I care much for the lawful end of marriage. Meaning, to me marriage is committing to one person for the rest of your life, under the grounds that you are both pursuing to respect and encourage growth in one another.
In our culture though, people are hardly capable of standing by their word and thus probably at some point needed a lawful binding thus turning many marriages into mere contracts. I don't know many people that could stick out a relationship, committed to another person until death without a piece of paper.
I will fully admit, I'm one of those people. The legal contract has saved me from running on more than one occasion. Yet ultimately I am here now of my own choosing and am thankful for anything that has kept me here to enjoy the benefits of the hard times.
I strayed, I was talking about the wedding...
The wedding Wally and I had nearly ten years ago was perfect for us for that time. It was full of meaning and love. It was us.
However now, knowing what I know, I would do somethings differently.
I would have only a few people. A fraction of the 165 that attended the one we had.
I would wear a dress I felt 100% beautiful in.
I would think harder about what I wanted for pictures. (Our pictures were good but I hardly thought about the simple moments that would be nice to capture).
I would have the food we had at our big party last year. Buns and meat with cold appetizers that are yummy and fun! (Which means party mix is a must!)
I would have both of my parents walk me down the aisle and still have my brother up there crying his eyes out as he did at my original wedding.
I'd dance, dance, dance.
The weather would be perfect.
I'd have a big flower in my hair. My hair would be short because that's how it best suits me. I'd be ok with that.
I would've already experienced the worst with Wally and would look forward only to the best. (Ok so I'm off in fairy land here but, it's my dream).
Wally and I have talked about renewing our vows. This would have been our year (tehnically) to do it. On March 24th it will be our diamond anniversary. We will be in Thailand. This means everything to me.
I would love to renew our vows. New ones that fit us now and what we know.
How cool would that be? To renew our vows in Thailand? (Minus the fancy and plus the love).
Maybe that's something to think about.
Well, enough dreamin' I've gotta run!
By the way,
Wally ...
I love you.
Today I have been faithful to you.
Eva :)
I've been blogging on my other blog for the past couple of weeks. If you don't remember, it's the one surrounding my body.
I didn't want to say anything because I didn't' want my writing to become dishonest or staged. I feel in a rhythm so I'm no longer afraid of this. (If you're interested, you'll find it under my profile).
I have so much to share right now....so much.
But today has been focused on many, many things. Things I will soon share. Great things.
For now though I will take a minute to answer a reader's question from my last post asking if I would do the dress and the aisle again, if I had a choice looking back.
I love that question. I love the honesty in it.
It's a difficult one to answer in a way, but I will try.
Up until a few weeks ago I would have probably said this: yes I'd get married but maybe I'd wait. Maybe I'd try to live on my own first, travel a lot more, go to school and date around here and there. Hmmm ... even thinking about that makes me smile a little. The dreamyness of it all, the freedom, the memories I imagine having that are water coloured and smudged around the edges.
Somehow in my memories I have a different body shape. One that looks fabulous in faded jeans with a chunky brown leather belt. One that already has the flexability and strength I am striving for right now (both physically and in my personality).
In those memories I've had the perfect loft apartment with hardwood floors a cushy couch and light white curtains over tall bright windows. I feel confident in all of the decisions I have made and ready for when the right man comes along.
It's now I give myself a shake and realize I'm living in a fantasy world. That though waiting to get married could have offered me a different life, it would not necessarily have been a better life than I have now. Who really knows?
I'm not sure if the reader was asking if I would do over the wedding or the marriage, but I can answer both.
As for the marriage. It's only been in the past few weeks, maybe even days that I can say with complete honesty that I am glad and thankful for my marriage, even in it's early arrival into my life. This is the first time I can say that I dont' regret marrying young, or not living on my own, or dating other people, or going to school.
It's taken all of the nearly ten years of marriage for me to come to this place. Probably because it's taken that long for Wally and I to become what I always hoped to be. That being said we still have a long, long way to go. And I know that's not guaranteed.
I may write more about this topic later.
As for the wedding....
I would definitely have a wedding. I believe in what it stands for, in what the meaning is. It has religious ties that I also am grounded in.
I'm not sure if I care much for the lawful end of marriage. Meaning, to me marriage is committing to one person for the rest of your life, under the grounds that you are both pursuing to respect and encourage growth in one another.
In our culture though, people are hardly capable of standing by their word and thus probably at some point needed a lawful binding thus turning many marriages into mere contracts. I don't know many people that could stick out a relationship, committed to another person until death without a piece of paper.
I will fully admit, I'm one of those people. The legal contract has saved me from running on more than one occasion. Yet ultimately I am here now of my own choosing and am thankful for anything that has kept me here to enjoy the benefits of the hard times.
I strayed, I was talking about the wedding...
The wedding Wally and I had nearly ten years ago was perfect for us for that time. It was full of meaning and love. It was us.
However now, knowing what I know, I would do somethings differently.
I would have only a few people. A fraction of the 165 that attended the one we had.
I would wear a dress I felt 100% beautiful in.
I would think harder about what I wanted for pictures. (Our pictures were good but I hardly thought about the simple moments that would be nice to capture).
I would have the food we had at our big party last year. Buns and meat with cold appetizers that are yummy and fun! (Which means party mix is a must!)
I would have both of my parents walk me down the aisle and still have my brother up there crying his eyes out as he did at my original wedding.
I'd dance, dance, dance.
The weather would be perfect.
I'd have a big flower in my hair. My hair would be short because that's how it best suits me. I'd be ok with that.
I would've already experienced the worst with Wally and would look forward only to the best. (Ok so I'm off in fairy land here but, it's my dream).
Wally and I have talked about renewing our vows. This would have been our year (tehnically) to do it. On March 24th it will be our diamond anniversary. We will be in Thailand. This means everything to me.
I would love to renew our vows. New ones that fit us now and what we know.
How cool would that be? To renew our vows in Thailand? (Minus the fancy and plus the love).
Maybe that's something to think about.
Well, enough dreamin' I've gotta run!
By the way,
Wally ...
I love you.
Today I have been faithful to you.
Eva :)
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