I had great plans for my Day 18. I was excited to go to a Vegan Restaurant with a friend from school, she’s decided to try going vegan for a month and really wanted to try this restaurant, unfortunately our efforts have yet to pan out – we didn’t make it this day either.
I had a sort of short notice breakfast meeting for work at a restaurant in town (that I’d never been too – yay!) so since we would get paid for going AND a free yummy breakfast I had to go – therefore thwarting hope for a vegan meal. Hopefully next week!
I went to the breakfast meeting mostly for my own gain, not actually really knowing what it was all about. I soon found out it was a meeting to discuss the ‘goings on’ of our work place and another house in the city (run by the organization I work for). Yikes! It was with our ‘higher up’ bosses and was a time for people to inform them of how we felt about our jobs and all that kind of stuff. There were a few highly emotional moments and all that fun stuff, I got enlightened to a few things, but that was pretty much the gist of it. My main concern was my beautiful Monte Christo sandwich on my plate – it was very good! AND I’ve never had one before. I really am loving trying all sorts of new things!
Ok so after I got home I had a 2 hour catch up nap (as my social times that week were really taking their toll on me – poor baby). Then I think I blogged a bit and lazed about until it was time for my ‘girls night’. Now this isn’t the actual #12 on my list, it was actually an impromptu ‘Are you guys free Friday’ kind of get together with a few girls I went to high school with.
The cool thing about this small group is that it is made up of 4 of us girls who all went to the same high school together, yet were never really friends with each other during those years. A couple of years ago when facebook became popular each of us reconnected with one specific friend and she invited us over to reconnect. I’m not sure about the other girls but I got all excited to get together with this friend but initially did not realize that she had invited 3 of us over to hang out and ‘reconnect’ together. Honestly at first I was a bit annoyed because I just wanted to see her. I knew the other two ladies but didn’t KNOW the other two ladies. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t infuriated or anything, just surprised. And it wasn’t’ because I didn’t’ like them, I just didn’t really KNOW them. And let’s face it, you remember people a certain way and wonder if they are the same or different, or just what you could possibly have in common now.
Well since that first gathering we’ve made a point to meet, on average, 3 times a year or so. We obviously found something in common. At first we spent most of our time talking about old school friends: who we knew of still, who we didn’t, who’d gotten fat and who was as screwed up as ever - that’s what old friends do, but we weren’t even old friends. After a couple more gatherings we soon started to interconnect with one another, our ‘base person’ was no longer our ‘base person’. At this point we’ve all visited each other’s homes, done favours for each other: babysitting, dog sitting, home party visiting, photography, all sorts of stuff. Now I certainly wouldn’t describe us as ‘the sisterhood of the travelling pants’ or anything but we are a group of ladies (that makes us sound old) that hang out every few months for no good reason really but to do it.
I know a lot of people that wouldn’t make the effort or time to do this, they have kids to worry about, jobs that exhaust them, and would rather know that the people they are investing their time in are fun, understanding, and relatable. In the beginning that’s how I was (sorry ladies – I’m telling the truth). I thought ‘Oh Artsy’ (the friend that got us together at first) ‘I just want to visit with you, I don’t have any interest in wasting my time with old people from school I don’t even really know – what could we possibly have in common?’ After thinking that I went to our first girls night to get it ‘over with’ and soon found myself looking forward to our next evening together.
Let me reveal who makes up our little group. There is Artsy, our founder, who has been married nearly as long as I have and has three beautiful children (2 boys and 1 girl). She’s a stay at home mom with many creative talents (cake decorating, photography, art of all kinds, hospitality). She always seems to find herself in the middle of an interesting story (at least that’s what I’ve noticed). Then there is Luvvy, who is a year older than the rest of us, she is an animal lover to the greatest degree, and spends her time doing anything to help little furry friends. She recently got married and had a sincerely wonderful simple wedding – the only kind I think should be allowed. She’s so thoughtful, kind and caring that I am sometimes ashamed of my honest and flawed self (but if she heard me say that I’d be chastised). Then there is Shell Bell, who I did know the most as a young child (and probably the longest of anyone else in the group). She is a mommy of 2, also stunning, little girls that I’ve had the privilege of spending time with. She works 4 days a week but has arranged it so that her husband and she can provide child care virtually on their own – I love it!! She’s very down to earth, has a great laugh and is someone who doesn’t make me feel as though I need to apologize after I’ve spoken my mind.
And then of course there’s me, ‘nough said.
Though we have similarities we are a fairly diverse group. I almost think it’s God ordained (I’m over spiritualizing a bit here) that we found each other. There have been nights that the mommies of the group have definitely shared great mommy stories we could all laugh about and other nights we’ve all told mother-in-law stories and then even more family dramas. The two of us without kids are ever grateful for having another kidless person in the group, but with that being said we so enjoy seeing and hearing all about the kiddos too. Instead we share our animal lovies and comment on our pet’s cute pictures more than other kid people normally would. What I love about this little group of ladies is that we get together having had no original commonalities, other than going to the same school for 4 years, and we still share, relate and laugh with one another.
I have been mentioning a lot lately about how we need to always be open to what could come our way when we aren’t expecting it, especially in regards to friendships. We had a great night together at a small town music fest and sidewalk sales, just walkin’ and talkin’, and eating ice cream (you have to eat at some point right?). Unfortunately, as what often happens, just as we ‘get into it’ (the great conversation), it feels like it’s over. A good, yet infrequent, visit reminds me a bit of sex. It doesn’t happen that often, but when it does it takes you a while to ‘get there’ and when you finally do it’s over way too soon! That was our visit Friday night – over way too soon. We’re hoping to fix this problem and get together one more time before September rolls around - I can’t wait!
But then again … does that surprise you?
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Adventure Day 18 – A conversation on ‘The kid thing’ …
Yesterday I was privileged to meet with a new friend I have gotten to know through this blog – we had lunch a week or so ago with a mutual friend and through that decided to do ‘coffee’ together this week. We met at Tim’s around noon and didn’t leave for nearly three hours! Needless to say we found a lot to talk about and were able to share many similar experiences we’ve had in one subject in particular. What’s that you ask? What I affectionately refer to as ‘The kid thing’.
In my second or third post I did describe in a little bit of detail mine and Wally’s experiences regarding ‘The kid thing’. If I knew how to link I would do that, but since I still have to learn I’ll put you on a scavenger hunt and hint that it’s one of the two I mentioned.
‘The kid thing’… from talking with my new friend yesterday (as well as the couple from the other night) I’ve learned that childless couples have a few things in common:
1) People pester, pester, pester you about ‘the kid thing’ even if you have already hinted HEAVILY that you are doing your part
2) If you haven’t hinted heavily expect the pestering to be 10 times worse
3) You can come out and say clearly that you do indeed want to have children but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and you are ‘ok’ and they think you are being selfish for choosing to enjoy the time you have together rather than pine endlessly for what others have
4) The only people that really seem to get compassion (and I’m not saying pity, because I don’t want pity, but compassion would be nice), are the ones that have gone through every test under heaven, chosen to do so and are absolutely visibly, emotionally, mentally distraught over it, and are drawn to others who are these things.
5) People expect that if you can’t have kids, and do love them, that you should automatically go out and start the fertility OR adoption process to resolve the ‘situation’
6) People often think that if you work through your pain over the issue at hand you obviously didn’t want children that bad and aren’t that heart broken so you don’t need their understanding or encouragement about it. (For the record – it’s always nice to be understood and encouraged)
Now I know there are a few other things I’ve noticed too, but those are the main few that I’ve noticed recently (as well as from others Wally and I have talked to).
I am by no means here to bash couples that have chosen to do fertility treatments, go through adoption (which is where my heart has always been very deeply pulled towards), or that have shared their grief that in turn has truly helped people in this situation. What I want to do though, is try and give those of us in the childlessness position (who did or do want children) permission to feel free to finish grieving over this issue and move on to other great possibilities that life has to offer.
As my new friend and I spoke yesterday about this very present issue in both of our lives she said one thing that struck me. She said ‘You are the first person whom I’ve ever talked to about this issue that is ok’ (with not having kids). (Now, I know she’s reading so though this is quoted it is my very liberal gist of what she was saying – hopefully she’ll correct me if I’m wrong). Knowing some of the blogs she has read, some of the people she’s identified with who have dealt with this, I knew what she meant but I was still shocked!! I have not encountered anyone else (until recently) either who has ever become ‘ok’ with out being able to have their children after building their lives around them. (When I told Wally last night of my new friend’s reaction he reminded me that it took me a few years to work through that disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen over night).
It’s easy for others to look at our lives now and think that we just didn’t want children enough. I’ll tell you how much I wanted them: enough to buy a house that would be perfect for our 4 children, at the perfect time to prepare for them, to pick out a dining room table (that was a wedding gift) that would fit 4 children around it, enough to keep 3 single beds and an extra double bed for when they ‘came along’, enough for us to buy the right amount of life insurance at the right time to provide for them, enough to stick with a job long enough just to get maternity leave (that would happen ‘any day now’), enough to stop dreaming of other possibilities because soon we would have our dream family - soon.
8 ½ years later I am no longer waiting, instead I have discovered the greatest secret known to man. If you are not content within yourself with your life right now, you never will be. No husband (for the singles out there pursuing with just as great of intensity for a mate), no amount of children, no house, no job, no anything will give you the contentment you are yearning for if you are not able to find that peace and joy where you are, with who you are. That’s a big secret that no one seems to know about. Does that mean we cannot find a sort of fulfillment by finding these things? I’m not saying that at all – all of these things add a new dimension to our lives in different ways, but what I am saying is that you cannot think that by not having these things you will be any less happy and joyful than someone who does. This principle applies to everything – in my opinion.
Many people will argue that I shouldn’t compare children to houses – and in some ways I shouldn’t, but here’s the parallel: if you are pining so very deeply over a something you do not have and this goes on for a significant amount of time and your life is solely based around this possibility, that may never be, you are losing life, you are losing time, you are wasting a gift you have been given to live. We all do it to an extent, so by no means am I any different or more perfect in my reaction – this simply isn’t true. I just want to share my experience of a realization of the fact that we aren’t here on this earth to pursue the things we desire – even if those things are godly, wonderful, amazing miracles. We are here to grow, learn, LOVE, and live a life glorifying to God, to enjoy the moments we are given.
I’m not sure how exactly we are to do this. For me I had to go through a grieving process. More for the life I thought would be than a child that wasn’t. I have no idea right now whether Wally and I will ever be parents in whatever capacity and to be honest in this moment I’m not too worried about it. I do say to him sometimes that ‘I wish we just knew what to do next and when’ (in regards to adoption and such). It would be so much easier if we did have that ‘sneak peak’ but then again how fun would that be? Instead, for now we are going to focus on enjoying every minute of where we are at, the friends that we have, the people that we’ve been able to ‘connect’ with through this experience and most of all … enjoy our sleep!
I don’t believe there is any other experience like being a parent. I do believe it is something God intended everyone to go through … originally. However we live in a fallen world of imperfections and disappointments, where the ideal is less than prevalent, where our hearts get broken and then seemingly trampled on at times. But one thing I’ve learned through difficult times in my life is that God is for real and truly will take the dreams you had and (IF you let Him) will reveal to you dreams you didn’t know you had and give you greater joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible.
So, if you are one of those women (or couples) that are not sure how to respond to your childlessness – with grief or with joy. I say grieve the loss of that dream, let God heal your heart, ignore stupid people (they are everywhere), allow yourself to skip that Mother’s Day service if it pains too much but if you think you can stand it and you are ready to heal I dare you to go and feel a secret joy of knowing that God has something very different and very special just for you!
You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel joy – that’s what God’s wants and when you feel a pang of sadness once in a while, which will happen when you see that perfect little life someone else is holding in their arms – remember that God feels your heart aches and is holding you always.
In the mean time …
Bask in your glorious uninterrupted sleep patterns!
In my second or third post I did describe in a little bit of detail mine and Wally’s experiences regarding ‘The kid thing’. If I knew how to link I would do that, but since I still have to learn I’ll put you on a scavenger hunt and hint that it’s one of the two I mentioned.
‘The kid thing’… from talking with my new friend yesterday (as well as the couple from the other night) I’ve learned that childless couples have a few things in common:
1) People pester, pester, pester you about ‘the kid thing’ even if you have already hinted HEAVILY that you are doing your part
2) If you haven’t hinted heavily expect the pestering to be 10 times worse
3) You can come out and say clearly that you do indeed want to have children but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and you are ‘ok’ and they think you are being selfish for choosing to enjoy the time you have together rather than pine endlessly for what others have
4) The only people that really seem to get compassion (and I’m not saying pity, because I don’t want pity, but compassion would be nice), are the ones that have gone through every test under heaven, chosen to do so and are absolutely visibly, emotionally, mentally distraught over it, and are drawn to others who are these things.
5) People expect that if you can’t have kids, and do love them, that you should automatically go out and start the fertility OR adoption process to resolve the ‘situation’
6) People often think that if you work through your pain over the issue at hand you obviously didn’t want children that bad and aren’t that heart broken so you don’t need their understanding or encouragement about it. (For the record – it’s always nice to be understood and encouraged)
Now I know there are a few other things I’ve noticed too, but those are the main few that I’ve noticed recently (as well as from others Wally and I have talked to).
I am by no means here to bash couples that have chosen to do fertility treatments, go through adoption (which is where my heart has always been very deeply pulled towards), or that have shared their grief that in turn has truly helped people in this situation. What I want to do though, is try and give those of us in the childlessness position (who did or do want children) permission to feel free to finish grieving over this issue and move on to other great possibilities that life has to offer.
As my new friend and I spoke yesterday about this very present issue in both of our lives she said one thing that struck me. She said ‘You are the first person whom I’ve ever talked to about this issue that is ok’ (with not having kids). (Now, I know she’s reading so though this is quoted it is my very liberal gist of what she was saying – hopefully she’ll correct me if I’m wrong). Knowing some of the blogs she has read, some of the people she’s identified with who have dealt with this, I knew what she meant but I was still shocked!! I have not encountered anyone else (until recently) either who has ever become ‘ok’ with out being able to have their children after building their lives around them. (When I told Wally last night of my new friend’s reaction he reminded me that it took me a few years to work through that disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen over night).
It’s easy for others to look at our lives now and think that we just didn’t want children enough. I’ll tell you how much I wanted them: enough to buy a house that would be perfect for our 4 children, at the perfect time to prepare for them, to pick out a dining room table (that was a wedding gift) that would fit 4 children around it, enough to keep 3 single beds and an extra double bed for when they ‘came along’, enough for us to buy the right amount of life insurance at the right time to provide for them, enough to stick with a job long enough just to get maternity leave (that would happen ‘any day now’), enough to stop dreaming of other possibilities because soon we would have our dream family - soon.
8 ½ years later I am no longer waiting, instead I have discovered the greatest secret known to man. If you are not content within yourself with your life right now, you never will be. No husband (for the singles out there pursuing with just as great of intensity for a mate), no amount of children, no house, no job, no anything will give you the contentment you are yearning for if you are not able to find that peace and joy where you are, with who you are. That’s a big secret that no one seems to know about. Does that mean we cannot find a sort of fulfillment by finding these things? I’m not saying that at all – all of these things add a new dimension to our lives in different ways, but what I am saying is that you cannot think that by not having these things you will be any less happy and joyful than someone who does. This principle applies to everything – in my opinion.
Many people will argue that I shouldn’t compare children to houses – and in some ways I shouldn’t, but here’s the parallel: if you are pining so very deeply over a something you do not have and this goes on for a significant amount of time and your life is solely based around this possibility, that may never be, you are losing life, you are losing time, you are wasting a gift you have been given to live. We all do it to an extent, so by no means am I any different or more perfect in my reaction – this simply isn’t true. I just want to share my experience of a realization of the fact that we aren’t here on this earth to pursue the things we desire – even if those things are godly, wonderful, amazing miracles. We are here to grow, learn, LOVE, and live a life glorifying to God, to enjoy the moments we are given.
I’m not sure how exactly we are to do this. For me I had to go through a grieving process. More for the life I thought would be than a child that wasn’t. I have no idea right now whether Wally and I will ever be parents in whatever capacity and to be honest in this moment I’m not too worried about it. I do say to him sometimes that ‘I wish we just knew what to do next and when’ (in regards to adoption and such). It would be so much easier if we did have that ‘sneak peak’ but then again how fun would that be? Instead, for now we are going to focus on enjoying every minute of where we are at, the friends that we have, the people that we’ve been able to ‘connect’ with through this experience and most of all … enjoy our sleep!
I don’t believe there is any other experience like being a parent. I do believe it is something God intended everyone to go through … originally. However we live in a fallen world of imperfections and disappointments, where the ideal is less than prevalent, where our hearts get broken and then seemingly trampled on at times. But one thing I’ve learned through difficult times in my life is that God is for real and truly will take the dreams you had and (IF you let Him) will reveal to you dreams you didn’t know you had and give you greater joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible.
So, if you are one of those women (or couples) that are not sure how to respond to your childlessness – with grief or with joy. I say grieve the loss of that dream, let God heal your heart, ignore stupid people (they are everywhere), allow yourself to skip that Mother’s Day service if it pains too much but if you think you can stand it and you are ready to heal I dare you to go and feel a secret joy of knowing that God has something very different and very special just for you!
You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel joy – that’s what God’s wants and when you feel a pang of sadness once in a while, which will happen when you see that perfect little life someone else is holding in their arms – remember that God feels your heart aches and is holding you always.
In the mean time …
Bask in your glorious uninterrupted sleep patterns!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Adventure Day 17 - #18 Go out for coffee with some one I work with
#18 was definitely one of those items on my list that I had (in the back of my mind) already considered done. Not actually done yet but I had an idea of who I would be going for coffee with we just hadn’t yet set a date. With these items (the ones I’ve already considered doing) on my list I sort of feel like I’m cheating, because ‘it was going to happen anyway’, yet I’m quickly learning that you cannot always predict how things are going to turn out (hmmmm… sounds a lot like life).
Since I started my job 3 months ago I have gotten to know many of the people I work with. Some through actually working with them, others through tormenting (mutually of course), and then a few just through going to training together. The person I had intended to complete #18 with I had met through the latter. She’s a great girl with one of those personalities that make you feel cared about and listed to from the minute you begin sharing with her. We immediately decided that a ‘get together’ was in order. I was very excited because she was super nice (is super nice), level headed and very caring – Yay a new friend! However she is also a mommy of a beautiful little guy who’s just over a year old. Needless to say she’s a busy (and I’ll guess tired – since she does a 30 hour sleep contract without getting much sleep) chick. All this to say: she did not turn out to be my #18 (however we are in the process of making a date that I look forward to).
Who’s my #18? Well, another girl I work with, Sista, one of my new family members. How did this date come to occur? Well Sista invited me to go on a girls weekend away this coming weekend (which I won’t say too much about now because I’m sure it is full post worthy later on), and we had plans to catch up on it after work but got disconnected on the way. Anyways, Sista gave a call to ‘touch base’ afterwards and fill me in on some details when she asked if I just wanted to do coffee – impromptu, I love it. I had been at work for 10 hours and hadn’t seen Wally much since Sunday so I figured it might be wise to pass this time, after telling him about it after I got off the phone he encouraged me to go. I was very excited, because even more than connecting time, I love impromptu connecting time, it just seems so much more natural and uncontrived – it’s real. I love real (even though sometimes I hate real too).
Off we went to a Starbucks (the ‘city people’s’ coffee place) and I guzzled my Tall (which is actually small – strange) Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccino (sp?) (it’s liquid crack), and leapt ‘off the wagon’ with my extra huge Double Chocolate Chunk Cookie (my first in a while – I need to do some more confessing later). It was good … oh yeah and we talked. It was one of those conversations that you wonder how and where it got started, you end up bunny trailing into places you have to retract from for now and remind each other you will HAVE to revisit later, and you find yourself pouring and pouring out your story. Now, Sista and I had had a couple of these conversations before during ends or overlapping shifts (we never actually work together on the same day – weird). Since working together we have found out that we know waaaaaay too many of the same people and had similar experiences with them (which has been great confirmation for me, but that’s another story), it’s been interesting to say the least. We’ve shared parts of our stories but never like really filled in the gaps.
I have to say in the past several months I feel like when I’ve met people a lot of the talk has surrounded my story, hopefully less because I’m a narcissist and more because people hear mine and Wally’s current situation and they want to know more (about why we went back to school, sold our house and moved to the city). I have to admit, it feels good to share, to know that someone could possibly be interested in ‘our story’, as simple as it is. This time it was different, I still shared parts of my life and experiences and stuff, but I got to hear someone else’s story and it was eye opening.
Sista had told me general parts of her story before, big general parts, enough for me to feel ‘in on it’ a bit. But last night I got to really hear the emotions behind her experiences and the incredibleness of God through it. I won’t share what I learned but let me just say ‘Wow!’ - that’s what I said several times during the visit. My ‘Wow!’ wasn’t ‘God’s so cool, isn’t that great, I bet you’re glad He allowed you that experience’ kind of ‘Wow!’ Rather, it was more like ‘Wow! I can’t believe you went through that, lived through that, came through on the other side, that’s so personal, life altering, heartbreaking, humiliating, I want to cry for you, but girl you lived to tell, you’re going to be ok, fought through the bitterness, truly are better and I still can’t believe you went through that’ kind of ‘Wow!’
Though I don’t wish on anyone tragic life experiences, I have to say I love hearing and relating to people that have lived to tell their own. It grounds me, humbles me, takes me with them through their pain, gives me hope, and reminds me that I’m a survivor of my own story too. Have you ever gone a long, long time before hearing a ‘big’ story? I think we begin to float into a false world of security and disconnect. I think we become less feeling and human because ‘it didn’t happen to me’. By listening to each other and digging deeper with people we learn more about our humanity, about the fact that we are not that different from one another after all and we indeed NEED to keep connected through sharing these experiences. I say that realizing though that unfortunately not everyone wants to listen so when doing this you do need to use wisdom and discretion for sure. That actually came up in our conversation – just how sometimes people don’t want to know our hurts because they don’t want to ‘go there’ with us – I’m guessing they don’t want to feel the pain too.
I hate trying to end a post like this; admittedly I don’t often know how to do it. I like perfectly tied shoelaces, but just don’t always want to perfectly tie them. Let me try though…
Completely #18 on my list has taught me a few things…
It’s great to write a list and try to complete it, but it’s even better if you just let it happen.
We need to keep listening to each other – we ALL have a story worth telling.
The only things you really need to ‘connect’ are two willing people.
Sharing is healing - God is the Healer
There are certain acts of betrayal after which I don’t know if I could ever learn how to trust again – I’m not talking infidelity
I’m human and I love meeting other humans
I don’t think I will ever get tired of hearing the heart of someone’s story
I am still in love with Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccinos, seriously …
Since I started my job 3 months ago I have gotten to know many of the people I work with. Some through actually working with them, others through tormenting (mutually of course), and then a few just through going to training together. The person I had intended to complete #18 with I had met through the latter. She’s a great girl with one of those personalities that make you feel cared about and listed to from the minute you begin sharing with her. We immediately decided that a ‘get together’ was in order. I was very excited because she was super nice (is super nice), level headed and very caring – Yay a new friend! However she is also a mommy of a beautiful little guy who’s just over a year old. Needless to say she’s a busy (and I’ll guess tired – since she does a 30 hour sleep contract without getting much sleep) chick. All this to say: she did not turn out to be my #18 (however we are in the process of making a date that I look forward to).
Who’s my #18? Well, another girl I work with, Sista, one of my new family members. How did this date come to occur? Well Sista invited me to go on a girls weekend away this coming weekend (which I won’t say too much about now because I’m sure it is full post worthy later on), and we had plans to catch up on it after work but got disconnected on the way. Anyways, Sista gave a call to ‘touch base’ afterwards and fill me in on some details when she asked if I just wanted to do coffee – impromptu, I love it. I had been at work for 10 hours and hadn’t seen Wally much since Sunday so I figured it might be wise to pass this time, after telling him about it after I got off the phone he encouraged me to go. I was very excited, because even more than connecting time, I love impromptu connecting time, it just seems so much more natural and uncontrived – it’s real. I love real (even though sometimes I hate real too).
Off we went to a Starbucks (the ‘city people’s’ coffee place) and I guzzled my Tall (which is actually small – strange) Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccino (sp?) (it’s liquid crack), and leapt ‘off the wagon’ with my extra huge Double Chocolate Chunk Cookie (my first in a while – I need to do some more confessing later). It was good … oh yeah and we talked. It was one of those conversations that you wonder how and where it got started, you end up bunny trailing into places you have to retract from for now and remind each other you will HAVE to revisit later, and you find yourself pouring and pouring out your story. Now, Sista and I had had a couple of these conversations before during ends or overlapping shifts (we never actually work together on the same day – weird). Since working together we have found out that we know waaaaaay too many of the same people and had similar experiences with them (which has been great confirmation for me, but that’s another story), it’s been interesting to say the least. We’ve shared parts of our stories but never like really filled in the gaps.
I have to say in the past several months I feel like when I’ve met people a lot of the talk has surrounded my story, hopefully less because I’m a narcissist and more because people hear mine and Wally’s current situation and they want to know more (about why we went back to school, sold our house and moved to the city). I have to admit, it feels good to share, to know that someone could possibly be interested in ‘our story’, as simple as it is. This time it was different, I still shared parts of my life and experiences and stuff, but I got to hear someone else’s story and it was eye opening.
Sista had told me general parts of her story before, big general parts, enough for me to feel ‘in on it’ a bit. But last night I got to really hear the emotions behind her experiences and the incredibleness of God through it. I won’t share what I learned but let me just say ‘Wow!’ - that’s what I said several times during the visit. My ‘Wow!’ wasn’t ‘God’s so cool, isn’t that great, I bet you’re glad He allowed you that experience’ kind of ‘Wow!’ Rather, it was more like ‘Wow! I can’t believe you went through that, lived through that, came through on the other side, that’s so personal, life altering, heartbreaking, humiliating, I want to cry for you, but girl you lived to tell, you’re going to be ok, fought through the bitterness, truly are better and I still can’t believe you went through that’ kind of ‘Wow!’
Though I don’t wish on anyone tragic life experiences, I have to say I love hearing and relating to people that have lived to tell their own. It grounds me, humbles me, takes me with them through their pain, gives me hope, and reminds me that I’m a survivor of my own story too. Have you ever gone a long, long time before hearing a ‘big’ story? I think we begin to float into a false world of security and disconnect. I think we become less feeling and human because ‘it didn’t happen to me’. By listening to each other and digging deeper with people we learn more about our humanity, about the fact that we are not that different from one another after all and we indeed NEED to keep connected through sharing these experiences. I say that realizing though that unfortunately not everyone wants to listen so when doing this you do need to use wisdom and discretion for sure. That actually came up in our conversation – just how sometimes people don’t want to know our hurts because they don’t want to ‘go there’ with us – I’m guessing they don’t want to feel the pain too.
I hate trying to end a post like this; admittedly I don’t often know how to do it. I like perfectly tied shoelaces, but just don’t always want to perfectly tie them. Let me try though…
Completely #18 on my list has taught me a few things…
It’s great to write a list and try to complete it, but it’s even better if you just let it happen.
We need to keep listening to each other – we ALL have a story worth telling.
The only things you really need to ‘connect’ are two willing people.
Sharing is healing - God is the Healer
There are certain acts of betrayal after which I don’t know if I could ever learn how to trust again – I’m not talking infidelity
I’m human and I love meeting other humans
I don’t think I will ever get tired of hearing the heart of someone’s story
I am still in love with Double Chocolate Chip Frapaccinos, seriously …
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A couple of things...
Just to let you know I do respond to some of the comments posted, but usually I comment where ever the comment was posted (like in the comments for that post - so check there for a response.
Another thing ... 'Cuz' you need to make up your own name (it's more fun for you)and I did respond to your comment on the post you commented on. And I checked my e-mail and there aren't any e-mails in there that haven't been responded to. I don't get e-mail addresses from comments posted on this blog so don't expect e-mailed responses from comments made :)
Another thing ... 'Cuz' you need to make up your own name (it's more fun for you)and I did respond to your comment on the post you commented on. And I checked my e-mail and there aren't any e-mails in there that haven't been responded to. I don't get e-mail addresses from comments posted on this blog so don't expect e-mailed responses from comments made :)
Adventure Day 16 - 100 things I am thankful for
Adventure Day 16 - #27 – Write down 100 things I am thankful for in one day
1. My health
2. My husband
3. My parents still being married to each other
4. Marshmallow – and that he loves me
5. Mini marshmallow – she’s just too cute
6. I have a job in my field of work
7. My co-workers
8. Our apartment – I love it
9. Being able to go back to school
10. Getting to learn how to be happy without having kids
11. Our car
12. I can see
13. I can smell
14. I can hear
15. I can feel
16. I can think
17. I can touch
18. I can taste (although sometimes I hate this too)
19. We have all of our needs met and then some
20. My aunt
21. Learning the lesson of how fragile life is (even though it was very painful)
22. My country
23. The sun
24. The moon
25. Stars (I don’t look at these enough)
26. Brand new babies
27. Brand new puppies
28. Air conditioning
29. New friends
30. Old friends
31. Health care
32. My home church
33. Butterflies
34. Fall
35. Snowflakes
36. Trees
37. Photographs - I LOVE pictures
38. Music
39. Portable music
40. Grace
41. My glasses
42. Second chances
43. Laughing
44. A good sleep
45. The beach (even though I never really go)
46. My dogs
47. Chicken
48. Plasma donation
49. Alone time
50. That I have people that love me
51. That I have people I can be real with
52. That I can love others
53. My in laws
54. The relationships I’ve developed seemingly out of nowhere that run deep and teach me lots
55. Airplanes
56. I can walk
57. I can breathe
58. I can try new things
59. Reading
60. Writing / blogging
61. Our spare bed - it's my favourite
62. That I can buy clothes that I like
63. Grocery shopping
64. Pianos
65. Singing people
66. Thankful people
67. Books
68. Jesus
69. People that live love (and don’t criticize me for waiting until 68 to be thankful for Jesus)
70. People that aren’t like me
71. People that reach me
72. Gentle spirits
73. Determination
74. People that listen
75. People who know when to be quiet
76. Grandparents
77. That God can turn my scars into something that looks like it should have been there all along – and it’s beautiful
78. People that are dispensable by everyone else's standards – though in reality are the ones whom show us a glimpse of true life
79. Peace
80. Restaurants
81. Parks
82. Gravel roads
83. Countryside
84. Water
85. Zoos
86. Museums
87. Forgiveness
88. The wind on a hot day
89. No wind on a cold day
90. Porch swings
91. Memories
92. Old recipes
93. Christmas
94. The ability to cry
95. Real hugs
96. Quilts
97. Hope
98. Change
99. Cleanliness
100. This minute
1. My health
2. My husband
3. My parents still being married to each other
4. Marshmallow – and that he loves me
5. Mini marshmallow – she’s just too cute
6. I have a job in my field of work
7. My co-workers
8. Our apartment – I love it
9. Being able to go back to school
10. Getting to learn how to be happy without having kids
11. Our car
12. I can see
13. I can smell
14. I can hear
15. I can feel
16. I can think
17. I can touch
18. I can taste (although sometimes I hate this too)
19. We have all of our needs met and then some
20. My aunt
21. Learning the lesson of how fragile life is (even though it was very painful)
22. My country
23. The sun
24. The moon
25. Stars (I don’t look at these enough)
26. Brand new babies
27. Brand new puppies
28. Air conditioning
29. New friends
30. Old friends
31. Health care
32. My home church
33. Butterflies
34. Fall
35. Snowflakes
36. Trees
37. Photographs - I LOVE pictures
38. Music
39. Portable music
40. Grace
41. My glasses
42. Second chances
43. Laughing
44. A good sleep
45. The beach (even though I never really go)
46. My dogs
47. Chicken
48. Plasma donation
49. Alone time
50. That I have people that love me
51. That I have people I can be real with
52. That I can love others
53. My in laws
54. The relationships I’ve developed seemingly out of nowhere that run deep and teach me lots
55. Airplanes
56. I can walk
57. I can breathe
58. I can try new things
59. Reading
60. Writing / blogging
61. Our spare bed - it's my favourite
62. That I can buy clothes that I like
63. Grocery shopping
64. Pianos
65. Singing people
66. Thankful people
67. Books
68. Jesus
69. People that live love (and don’t criticize me for waiting until 68 to be thankful for Jesus)
70. People that aren’t like me
71. People that reach me
72. Gentle spirits
73. Determination
74. People that listen
75. People who know when to be quiet
76. Grandparents
77. That God can turn my scars into something that looks like it should have been there all along – and it’s beautiful
78. People that are dispensable by everyone else's standards – though in reality are the ones whom show us a glimpse of true life
79. Peace
80. Restaurants
81. Parks
82. Gravel roads
83. Countryside
84. Water
85. Zoos
86. Museums
87. Forgiveness
88. The wind on a hot day
89. No wind on a cold day
90. Porch swings
91. Memories
92. Old recipes
93. Christmas
94. The ability to cry
95. Real hugs
96. Quilts
97. Hope
98. Change
99. Cleanliness
100. This minute
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Adventure Day 15 – It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
#28 – Have a ‘couple’ date with people we’ve never gotten to know before
That was the item I struck off of my list on Day 15. Wow, it sounds like it was an obligation, which certainly was not the case at all!
Since moving to the city Wally and I haven’t really acquired many, strike that – any, couple friends. We have lots of helter-skelter friends (like his group of peeps from school, and for me my home church people, a friend or two at school and now the people I’m getting to know at work), but not couple friends. I’m not sure what everyone else’s experiences are but for us, not having kids has definitely put us into a whole other sect of people.
You see when we were first married meeting new couples to hang out with was pretty easy because they were all getting married too, so we all had loads in common. I’d say we had at least 3 or 4 sets of couples that we could hang out and have fun with. And then it happened … The one thing that no one could seem to avoid. They all had kids. This wouldn’t have been a problem for us as we were really expecting to be in their situation soon too. However, time kept passing by and our ‘situation’ never turned into their ‘situation’.
You see we had every intention of joining the parenting ranks soon after we married, I think I’ve mentioned how that changed, the thing is our friends’ lives didn’t – they all kept reproducing (and some still are) without regard to our needs – how dare they. Didn’t they know we needed them? Didn’t they know we no longer related to their lives? Didn’t they get that we weren’t really interested in having segmented conversations, interrupted game nights and evenings that only further enlightened us on how we weren’t going to parent? No, they were oblivious. And we were selfish.
Now, let me clarify something. Wally and I still have friends that have kids, we would never actually cut people off for this reason (well … no we wouldn’t), but in the past 2 ½ years it has become glaringly obvious that we are living very different lives than our friends with kids. Initially I was NOT ok with this fact. When our friends that got married after us began their little families I really struggled watching them get to experience the miracle of life, mom’s staying home raising their children while I was out scrubbing other people toilets to make ends meet. Our friends were picking out baby names, taking kiddos to preschool and setting up education savings plans while Wally and I were applying to College. Something seemed very wrong with this picture.
It took me a couple of years to truly accept (and now completely LOVE) the place our life was going and now that I do I wouldn’t change a thing. Well maybe one thing … where do you find good friends that you mesh with, who understand where you’re at and can stand with you rather than watch you? Well, to be honest I don’t’ have the answer for this, all I can say is that you have to be open and sometimes step out and make the first move – kind of like dating.
This is where #28 comes in. As I mentioned before finding a couple to ‘date’ isn’t easy. In fact it’s twice as difficult than regular dating, as there are twice as many personalities involved, not to mention the fact that each has to tolerate the mix of 3 other people at the same time – it’s very complex. Generally it’s the ladies who get along and chat, while the gents go do something (or watch something) together. However for #28 I stepped out a bit and took a risk. The people we invited over for a ‘couple’ date I knew but Wally didn’t, and really I didn’t know the gallie very much at all. I invited Bro from work and his wife Smiles. At first I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I find crossing work and personal life weird, who wants to make work awkward with whatever info you’ve accidentally let out the night before? (And I have to admit this I do often). Also, Smiles had interviewed me for my current job and as far as I knew she would be doing it again in the future for whatever contracts that arose, isn’t it weird to be yourself with someone you wouldn’t be yourself with later? I’m just not that kind of a person. Once you get to know me there’s no going back, no faking it, no lying about how you are – I’m me, like it or leave it.
However this time I made the exception. In part because, as I mentioned in Day 12, I had felt that our work team had a ‘family feel’ with no need to fake things and I was accepted. Also because I’d heard rumors that Smiles was a genuinely smiley person, not the fake kind - I like that. Those two things made it ok for me to safely pursue this possible friendship. (It also didn’t hurt that Bro and Smiles had been married for 6 years, were kidless and in a similar situation as Wally and I – wanting kids, yet glad for how things have turned out. Oh, and Bro had a PS3 like Wally).
Once I’d made my list I couldn’t wait to make the invite (actually I think we talked about getting together sooner but it just hadn’t happened). We made a date and last night was it. They came over for dinner and some games. As always the beginning was a bit quiet and awkward (I never let that go on for long), but as we hung in there we chatted along and shared more of each of our own stories. It was going very and I was thinking ‘Yay!! kidless friends with our kind of take on life – does it get any better?!’
I soon found out that it does. How you ask? Well about halfway through our evening we were chatting and Smiles looks at me rather anxiously (probably after I’d remarked about how great it was to have new friends that ‘got it’) and said something about having to tell us something. I’m thinking ‘This is weird. This is only our first date, how could she possibly have anything to tell us that she’d be nervous to share?’ I knew it had to be something big. To be honest I was sure it was going to be ‘We’re pregnant!’ then I would have had to hate them and act all happy on the outside – I hate acting.
Smiles knew this was what I was thinking, as she and Bro had experienced the same anticipation from people as Wally and I had when sharing any exciting news with others (that never was about babies). She quickly spit it out, ‘We’re moving at the end of the month. I got an awesome job as a nanny …’ I’m not really sure of her exact words as I tuned them out after a while. I was stunned, shocked and seriously trying not to cry – my reaction actually surprised myself. ‘What?!!’ I thought. ‘You can’t, it’s our first date. We like you; you are the perfect people for us, there aren’t any others out there you know?! Do you realize how hard it is to find fun kidless people who actually like kids but don’t go to them to fill their every inner need? Seriously, the job cannot be that perfect!’
Ok so my reaction was a little on the selfish side (ok a lot on the selfish side). And it wasn’t entirely about finding our perfect couple friends. Admittedly, just as much of it (maybe more) was to do with my newly acquired family at work, my new brotherly type. Bro is the responsible, level headed, calm one who everyone likes and respects. Our house at work supports two fellows that need good male role models, our house has (had) two and now we were going to be down to one (full time anyways). How could this happen? It really does feel like a family being tugged apart.
Don’t get me wrong I am truly happy for our new friends and their adventures. The fact that they have sold their home and almost everything in it to follow dreams and whatever else God has for them inspires me completely to keep running after life, but it’s so hard to let go at the same time. I really cannot truly rationalize why I feel so at a loss when I think of my new friends leaving, but I do. It’s funny, I always pride myself on being able to let go of people without a problem because I know God’s never going to stop moving in life and we should always be prepared to say good bye – whether it’s through death or change. Why is it that this situation seems so difficult then? Why do I feel like the creepiest person on earth for getting so attached so quickly to people many would classify as strangers?
How would you feel if you were looking for a very specific thing? Let’s say the perfect little black dress (for the ladies) or that one of a kind movie you loved but have never been able to find (for the men - I’m grasping here)? Once you find it you know it immediately. You don’t have to wear it for days to see if it’s ‘right’, or rip it out of the box immediately to make sure, you just know the second you find it that it’s what you are looking for. I guess that’s how I feel about Smiles and Bro.
It’s not that we don’t have lots of friends (especially since moving and expanding our life), but it’s rare to find couple friends that you can ‘click’ with. Now I have to stop myself and say. As couple friends we only met once and really there wasn’t this miraculous clicking or anything like I may be making it sound. But there was potential and hope. And I have to admit that as I grow older in life I’m learning that it’s rare to find people that share the same kind of take on life as I do (as Wally and I do) and sometimes that’s hard. However, I’m also learning that you have always got to leave yourself open to meeting new people too because if you constantly look for ones that fit your mold, timing and surroundings you will indeed miss out on some great travel opportunities.
We plan on visiting our new friends in their new city for sure! (They aren’t getting rid of us that easily!)
That was the item I struck off of my list on Day 15. Wow, it sounds like it was an obligation, which certainly was not the case at all!
Since moving to the city Wally and I haven’t really acquired many, strike that – any, couple friends. We have lots of helter-skelter friends (like his group of peeps from school, and for me my home church people, a friend or two at school and now the people I’m getting to know at work), but not couple friends. I’m not sure what everyone else’s experiences are but for us, not having kids has definitely put us into a whole other sect of people.
You see when we were first married meeting new couples to hang out with was pretty easy because they were all getting married too, so we all had loads in common. I’d say we had at least 3 or 4 sets of couples that we could hang out and have fun with. And then it happened … The one thing that no one could seem to avoid. They all had kids. This wouldn’t have been a problem for us as we were really expecting to be in their situation soon too. However, time kept passing by and our ‘situation’ never turned into their ‘situation’.
You see we had every intention of joining the parenting ranks soon after we married, I think I’ve mentioned how that changed, the thing is our friends’ lives didn’t – they all kept reproducing (and some still are) without regard to our needs – how dare they. Didn’t they know we needed them? Didn’t they know we no longer related to their lives? Didn’t they get that we weren’t really interested in having segmented conversations, interrupted game nights and evenings that only further enlightened us on how we weren’t going to parent? No, they were oblivious. And we were selfish.
Now, let me clarify something. Wally and I still have friends that have kids, we would never actually cut people off for this reason (well … no we wouldn’t), but in the past 2 ½ years it has become glaringly obvious that we are living very different lives than our friends with kids. Initially I was NOT ok with this fact. When our friends that got married after us began their little families I really struggled watching them get to experience the miracle of life, mom’s staying home raising their children while I was out scrubbing other people toilets to make ends meet. Our friends were picking out baby names, taking kiddos to preschool and setting up education savings plans while Wally and I were applying to College. Something seemed very wrong with this picture.
It took me a couple of years to truly accept (and now completely LOVE) the place our life was going and now that I do I wouldn’t change a thing. Well maybe one thing … where do you find good friends that you mesh with, who understand where you’re at and can stand with you rather than watch you? Well, to be honest I don’t’ have the answer for this, all I can say is that you have to be open and sometimes step out and make the first move – kind of like dating.
This is where #28 comes in. As I mentioned before finding a couple to ‘date’ isn’t easy. In fact it’s twice as difficult than regular dating, as there are twice as many personalities involved, not to mention the fact that each has to tolerate the mix of 3 other people at the same time – it’s very complex. Generally it’s the ladies who get along and chat, while the gents go do something (or watch something) together. However for #28 I stepped out a bit and took a risk. The people we invited over for a ‘couple’ date I knew but Wally didn’t, and really I didn’t know the gallie very much at all. I invited Bro from work and his wife Smiles. At first I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I find crossing work and personal life weird, who wants to make work awkward with whatever info you’ve accidentally let out the night before? (And I have to admit this I do often). Also, Smiles had interviewed me for my current job and as far as I knew she would be doing it again in the future for whatever contracts that arose, isn’t it weird to be yourself with someone you wouldn’t be yourself with later? I’m just not that kind of a person. Once you get to know me there’s no going back, no faking it, no lying about how you are – I’m me, like it or leave it.
However this time I made the exception. In part because, as I mentioned in Day 12, I had felt that our work team had a ‘family feel’ with no need to fake things and I was accepted. Also because I’d heard rumors that Smiles was a genuinely smiley person, not the fake kind - I like that. Those two things made it ok for me to safely pursue this possible friendship. (It also didn’t hurt that Bro and Smiles had been married for 6 years, were kidless and in a similar situation as Wally and I – wanting kids, yet glad for how things have turned out. Oh, and Bro had a PS3 like Wally).
Once I’d made my list I couldn’t wait to make the invite (actually I think we talked about getting together sooner but it just hadn’t happened). We made a date and last night was it. They came over for dinner and some games. As always the beginning was a bit quiet and awkward (I never let that go on for long), but as we hung in there we chatted along and shared more of each of our own stories. It was going very and I was thinking ‘Yay!! kidless friends with our kind of take on life – does it get any better?!’
I soon found out that it does. How you ask? Well about halfway through our evening we were chatting and Smiles looks at me rather anxiously (probably after I’d remarked about how great it was to have new friends that ‘got it’) and said something about having to tell us something. I’m thinking ‘This is weird. This is only our first date, how could she possibly have anything to tell us that she’d be nervous to share?’ I knew it had to be something big. To be honest I was sure it was going to be ‘We’re pregnant!’ then I would have had to hate them and act all happy on the outside – I hate acting.
Smiles knew this was what I was thinking, as she and Bro had experienced the same anticipation from people as Wally and I had when sharing any exciting news with others (that never was about babies). She quickly spit it out, ‘We’re moving at the end of the month. I got an awesome job as a nanny …’ I’m not really sure of her exact words as I tuned them out after a while. I was stunned, shocked and seriously trying not to cry – my reaction actually surprised myself. ‘What?!!’ I thought. ‘You can’t, it’s our first date. We like you; you are the perfect people for us, there aren’t any others out there you know?! Do you realize how hard it is to find fun kidless people who actually like kids but don’t go to them to fill their every inner need? Seriously, the job cannot be that perfect!’
Ok so my reaction was a little on the selfish side (ok a lot on the selfish side). And it wasn’t entirely about finding our perfect couple friends. Admittedly, just as much of it (maybe more) was to do with my newly acquired family at work, my new brotherly type. Bro is the responsible, level headed, calm one who everyone likes and respects. Our house at work supports two fellows that need good male role models, our house has (had) two and now we were going to be down to one (full time anyways). How could this happen? It really does feel like a family being tugged apart.
Don’t get me wrong I am truly happy for our new friends and their adventures. The fact that they have sold their home and almost everything in it to follow dreams and whatever else God has for them inspires me completely to keep running after life, but it’s so hard to let go at the same time. I really cannot truly rationalize why I feel so at a loss when I think of my new friends leaving, but I do. It’s funny, I always pride myself on being able to let go of people without a problem because I know God’s never going to stop moving in life and we should always be prepared to say good bye – whether it’s through death or change. Why is it that this situation seems so difficult then? Why do I feel like the creepiest person on earth for getting so attached so quickly to people many would classify as strangers?
How would you feel if you were looking for a very specific thing? Let’s say the perfect little black dress (for the ladies) or that one of a kind movie you loved but have never been able to find (for the men - I’m grasping here)? Once you find it you know it immediately. You don’t have to wear it for days to see if it’s ‘right’, or rip it out of the box immediately to make sure, you just know the second you find it that it’s what you are looking for. I guess that’s how I feel about Smiles and Bro.
It’s not that we don’t have lots of friends (especially since moving and expanding our life), but it’s rare to find couple friends that you can ‘click’ with. Now I have to stop myself and say. As couple friends we only met once and really there wasn’t this miraculous clicking or anything like I may be making it sound. But there was potential and hope. And I have to admit that as I grow older in life I’m learning that it’s rare to find people that share the same kind of take on life as I do (as Wally and I do) and sometimes that’s hard. However, I’m also learning that you have always got to leave yourself open to meeting new people too because if you constantly look for ones that fit your mold, timing and surroundings you will indeed miss out on some great travel opportunities.
We plan on visiting our new friends in their new city for sure! (They aren’t getting rid of us that easily!)
Recap of Adventure Days 13 & 14
I have to say, sometimes keeping track of what day is what is a challenge! Oh well, I’ll keep trying to keep up.
Day 13 was a pretty average day, nothing too exciting going on. I went into work for my fifth day in a row (this is good stuff for a relief worker!). Nothing too out of the ordinary from that, but I did get a couple of good ‘funnies’ to share:
I was standing a couple of feet into Guy’s bedroom to say goodnight and stuff when he came (sort of charging) at me with his arms wide open – he wanted a hug. As I mentioned before there are policies and stuff on that kind of thing so we have to really watch stuff. Besides that I will remind you that I’m not a hugely affectionate person (physically). So I took several steps back. He quickly takes the hint and says: “Why don’t you want a hug?”
I say: “Remember, I’m not that into hugs.”
He asks: “How do you love your husband then?”
I say: “I cook for him.”
He looks confused and says: “That’s not loving.”
I say: “It is in my house.”
Another time through out the night when I was apparently being ‘too curious’, Guy reminds me of the ‘curiosity killed the cat’ saying and says: “You should be careful Eva, about being so curious. God’s not always going to save you!”
Day 14 – Did not hold all that much excitement in it. However I did complete one of my items on the list and pursued another one.
I finished up my 7 days of no t.v. (or other stuff like it). I sort of cheated though. Sunday morning (that day) I woke up and plunked down on the couch and turned the t.v. on, without any regard for my resolve. I didn’t give two hoots about 7 days of whatever. The funny thing was I didn’t even care about what I was watching. Since it was Sunday morning there were loads of televangelists on t.v. or speakers of sorts. I suppose in my mind I wasn’t breaking any commitments since I wasn’t actually enjoying what was on t.v.
I kind of think that mentality is funny. I seem to carry that around a lot with me on this 40 day adventure. If it’s not something I care about or feel in my heart drawn to do, then it doesn’t really matter if I do it and break my own rules. I wonder why I do that? It has actually caused me to totally ‘cheat’ on myself several times.
For example Friday night Wally and I went to a movie together (we do this maybe once every year or two) – um, hello, did we have to do this on my week off of media? To go along with that we also bought some snacks for the movie (Swedish berries and a huge Twix bar – did someone forget the other rule?). We did have a giant ‘reasoning’ discussion before and I honestly don’t feel I was doing it out of an internal need for it. It really just seemed wrong to do this ‘special event’ without doing it right – with snacks. That was all well and good until the next day when Wally and I were out for a nice hot beverage (to a place we’d been to before) and I was longing desperately for a baked good (like pleading for some rationale). I didn’t get one, but I did get a larger size drink to make up for it. There’s something wrong with the ‘spirit’ of that activity I think.
Later we decided to go out for lunch and indeed picked a new restaurant and I indeed picked something new to me. It was all good and we definitely felt the spirit of adventure (slight though it was). Then in the evening we had a craving to try something new (at a restaurant that of course I’d been to). It was an ice cream shake type thing. We went and tried and it really is only occurring to me now how ‘off base’ it was for us to convince ourselves this was within the ‘rules’ to do.
Let me address two things with all of these breaking of the rules. First, we don’t normally go out that often (we’re super frugal) but I had my first day off in a while and it was the most we’d seen each other in a week so outings like these seem to be how we roll. The second thing is that I sound wrapped up in my ‘rules’, yet totally unwrapped at the same time.
Here’s the deal: as I write about my ‘adventure’ I’m realizing that putting things to do in the ‘negative’ like: don’t watch t.v. for 7 days, and don’t eat blah, blah, blah, (and though I didn’t put it this way in the list) don’t go to any restaurants that aren’t new to you, we tend to look for ways around them or are naturally pulled to go against them. Even when they are worded positively, if we are not truly desiring something different we are going to find a way around it. Don’t get me wrong I really do want to change and try new things but some days are definitely easier to be in that frame of mind than others.
Even though perfection is far from me at this point I am learning more about myself and those around me by doing this experiment. I’m learning about resolve, motives, commitment, how difficult and even sometimes impossible it is to be ‘perfect’ all the time and always abide by whatever rules are laid down. I am understanding so much more about my faith (that sounds weird I know) but I’m talking more about the foundation of my Christian faith, about how following rules is just not how Jesus rolled. He was so much more about living by the Spirit and many times that meant breaking the rules. This is where things get tough though. On our own we can never really know when to ‘break the rules’, our natural desires are going to always justify the things we want. To really know when it’s better for us to ‘break the rules’ we need to truly seek direction – and that’s not easy, at all.
The world, and the religious system, is all about rules and following things by a line. There are laws to protect us, there are scientific rules by which the physical world lives, we hear all about what the moral way to do things is, but what about when those laws cannot be followed, understood or upheld? Sometimes we stick to them anyway, even if it hurts others or ourselves. Other times we do away with the whole system and live by our own school of thought. But every so often we actually stop and think about whatever it is we are struggling through and we look deeper, we ask questions we were always too afraid to ask and we leave ourselves open to debate. Do we always get the answers? No. Do we always need the answers? I don’t think so. Does it always matter if we go through this process only to find out we made the wrong decision - we trusted too much, we didn’t feel enough or we just made a stupid choice? No, and to be honest I don’t know that I really believe in the idea of making a mistake IF we learn something in the process and become better for it.
With all of that being said, I’m continuing my journey and perhaps at some point may try to truly follow the rules by the strictest of standard and write about it, but for now I’m going to continue to teach myself how to keep my resolve (re-reading them has been a big help) without constantly going from one extreme to another. We’ll see how that goes!
Day 13 was a pretty average day, nothing too exciting going on. I went into work for my fifth day in a row (this is good stuff for a relief worker!). Nothing too out of the ordinary from that, but I did get a couple of good ‘funnies’ to share:
I was standing a couple of feet into Guy’s bedroom to say goodnight and stuff when he came (sort of charging) at me with his arms wide open – he wanted a hug. As I mentioned before there are policies and stuff on that kind of thing so we have to really watch stuff. Besides that I will remind you that I’m not a hugely affectionate person (physically). So I took several steps back. He quickly takes the hint and says: “Why don’t you want a hug?”
I say: “Remember, I’m not that into hugs.”
He asks: “How do you love your husband then?”
I say: “I cook for him.”
He looks confused and says: “That’s not loving.”
I say: “It is in my house.”
Another time through out the night when I was apparently being ‘too curious’, Guy reminds me of the ‘curiosity killed the cat’ saying and says: “You should be careful Eva, about being so curious. God’s not always going to save you!”
Day 14 – Did not hold all that much excitement in it. However I did complete one of my items on the list and pursued another one.
I finished up my 7 days of no t.v. (or other stuff like it). I sort of cheated though. Sunday morning (that day) I woke up and plunked down on the couch and turned the t.v. on, without any regard for my resolve. I didn’t give two hoots about 7 days of whatever. The funny thing was I didn’t even care about what I was watching. Since it was Sunday morning there were loads of televangelists on t.v. or speakers of sorts. I suppose in my mind I wasn’t breaking any commitments since I wasn’t actually enjoying what was on t.v.
I kind of think that mentality is funny. I seem to carry that around a lot with me on this 40 day adventure. If it’s not something I care about or feel in my heart drawn to do, then it doesn’t really matter if I do it and break my own rules. I wonder why I do that? It has actually caused me to totally ‘cheat’ on myself several times.
For example Friday night Wally and I went to a movie together (we do this maybe once every year or two) – um, hello, did we have to do this on my week off of media? To go along with that we also bought some snacks for the movie (Swedish berries and a huge Twix bar – did someone forget the other rule?). We did have a giant ‘reasoning’ discussion before and I honestly don’t feel I was doing it out of an internal need for it. It really just seemed wrong to do this ‘special event’ without doing it right – with snacks. That was all well and good until the next day when Wally and I were out for a nice hot beverage (to a place we’d been to before) and I was longing desperately for a baked good (like pleading for some rationale). I didn’t get one, but I did get a larger size drink to make up for it. There’s something wrong with the ‘spirit’ of that activity I think.
Later we decided to go out for lunch and indeed picked a new restaurant and I indeed picked something new to me. It was all good and we definitely felt the spirit of adventure (slight though it was). Then in the evening we had a craving to try something new (at a restaurant that of course I’d been to). It was an ice cream shake type thing. We went and tried and it really is only occurring to me now how ‘off base’ it was for us to convince ourselves this was within the ‘rules’ to do.
Let me address two things with all of these breaking of the rules. First, we don’t normally go out that often (we’re super frugal) but I had my first day off in a while and it was the most we’d seen each other in a week so outings like these seem to be how we roll. The second thing is that I sound wrapped up in my ‘rules’, yet totally unwrapped at the same time.
Here’s the deal: as I write about my ‘adventure’ I’m realizing that putting things to do in the ‘negative’ like: don’t watch t.v. for 7 days, and don’t eat blah, blah, blah, (and though I didn’t put it this way in the list) don’t go to any restaurants that aren’t new to you, we tend to look for ways around them or are naturally pulled to go against them. Even when they are worded positively, if we are not truly desiring something different we are going to find a way around it. Don’t get me wrong I really do want to change and try new things but some days are definitely easier to be in that frame of mind than others.
Even though perfection is far from me at this point I am learning more about myself and those around me by doing this experiment. I’m learning about resolve, motives, commitment, how difficult and even sometimes impossible it is to be ‘perfect’ all the time and always abide by whatever rules are laid down. I am understanding so much more about my faith (that sounds weird I know) but I’m talking more about the foundation of my Christian faith, about how following rules is just not how Jesus rolled. He was so much more about living by the Spirit and many times that meant breaking the rules. This is where things get tough though. On our own we can never really know when to ‘break the rules’, our natural desires are going to always justify the things we want. To really know when it’s better for us to ‘break the rules’ we need to truly seek direction – and that’s not easy, at all.
The world, and the religious system, is all about rules and following things by a line. There are laws to protect us, there are scientific rules by which the physical world lives, we hear all about what the moral way to do things is, but what about when those laws cannot be followed, understood or upheld? Sometimes we stick to them anyway, even if it hurts others or ourselves. Other times we do away with the whole system and live by our own school of thought. But every so often we actually stop and think about whatever it is we are struggling through and we look deeper, we ask questions we were always too afraid to ask and we leave ourselves open to debate. Do we always get the answers? No. Do we always need the answers? I don’t think so. Does it always matter if we go through this process only to find out we made the wrong decision - we trusted too much, we didn’t feel enough or we just made a stupid choice? No, and to be honest I don’t know that I really believe in the idea of making a mistake IF we learn something in the process and become better for it.
With all of that being said, I’m continuing my journey and perhaps at some point may try to truly follow the rules by the strictest of standard and write about it, but for now I’m going to continue to teach myself how to keep my resolve (re-reading them has been a big help) without constantly going from one extreme to another. We’ll see how that goes!
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