I'm pretty sure I've written on this topic before but it's in my head reteaching me something again so I'll let the thoughts come out ...
Thursday night was not great. We went to bed and I tried to settle into some much desired sleep. Unfortunately Sweet's little Itchfest (2011) had just decided to start up. Included in the performances were: 'Thump, thump, thump, thump' played on the hardwood floor, 'Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch' behind the ears at his sides and under his chin, not to be outdone by the serenade of the notorious high pitched cry of the 'Howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwl' that liked play on repeat.
By midnight Wally and I had gotten after him (which seemed entirely unfair but we'd had enough, didn't he know that he's an animal and he should be able to control himself?).
I got up and was in a state of Mad Ladyness. I raised my voice (ok so I yelled) at him asked if he realized I just needed to sleep. Also wondering, in my distraught state, if he could just stop scratching? I got out of bed and picked him up hoping to mildly shake the scratchies out (no I didn't hurt him or anything, we were just having a heart to heart).
Wally and I put the light on to discuss the matter.
Though we were both perturbed about the inconvenient Itchfest occurring in our room at ungodly hours (for us), we still both felt bad for Sweet's own pain.
I decided to take Sweet to the basement tv room and try and have us get some sleep (or at least muffle his thumping on the carpet down there).
I set up my makeshift bed on the couch and put the tv on and watched 'Cupcake Wars'. Obviously that's what you do when you are exhausted and need sleep.
Obviously.
Sweet continued to scratch off and on but seemed to settle a bit. I finally shut the tv off between 3 and 4 am. I tried to settle as well.
Then the thumping returned.
And continued.
I lost it.
I lept off of the couch and crawled to Sweet (who had moved over to the door to satisfy an itch) to plead for him to stop and once again give all the reasons why sleep was so detrimental to my sanity.
He needed no convincing.
It was there in the middle of our tv room I stayed just out of reach from my little Sweet. It was there on the floor I gave up the idea of a comfy re cooperating sleep that night while Sweet revealed a new rendition of 'Thump, thump, thump, thump' played now on the door that wasn't closed tightly.
Wally walked in and found me in this precarious position at 6:30am sleeping. He tried to rustle me awake but I refused. He came back 40 minutes later to say goodbye and remind me of my workday that was awaiting me. I told him if I could have I totally would have called in sick because madness caused by sleep deprivation had settled in. I could barely handle the thought of dealing with what I knew would be magnified annoyances.
I managed to get myself up to the kitchen when I remembered we were having company for supper after work and I needed to do some clean up before I left for work, yet I wasn't exactly displaying my speediness yet that morning. As I went to throw something in the garbage in my efforts to clean up I slipped and barely caught my balance in my sleepy stupor while noticing the pool of dog pee that caused a near fatal accident (fatal for someone).
As I grabbed tea towel after tea towel to through on the gigantic mass of liquid I notice I knocked over a cup full of dog food that has sprayed all over the kitchen floor as well.
I think at that point I may have had another meltdown and perhaps voiced my madness to the universe, perhaps in an inappropriately loud voice.
Then I went and had my shower and got ready.
By the time I returned tot he kitchen I gave up every ambition I had for the day and decided my main priority was to live through as quietly as possible.
I moved slowly and somewhat hazily through the next several minutes.
I made a shake, I gave up hopes of taking my usual healthy lunch and snacks and gave myself permission to eat whatever crap that landed in my mouth that day (and it did land very well).
Then I finally took sweet and Sour out for what seemed to be pointless morning constitutional just in the yard as I had taken too much time up already.
Then I decided that the next 5 minutes might be best used sitting in the lawn chair on our less than impressive patio in the quiet of the morning. So I did.
I listened to the birds, I closed my eyes, and I surrendered my madness to the day.
I may have threw up a few prayers as well but as I was pretty out of it at that point I don't remember.
It was there while sitting completely still and realizing and accepting those 5 minutes of nothingness as my pill of salvation for the day that I recharged.
Well, sort of.
I didn't hop out of the chair with any more energy than I displayed before but I did get up with a little more faith that I would make it to the other side of the clock that day.
I felt a peace about the imperfections that may continue to occur and that seemed like enough.
And ... it was.
When I arrived at my first shift at 9am perfectly on time (after 1/2 hr of driving through the city) I noticed that the door to the house I was going was shut and locked tight. I knocked. No answer. Yet their car was there.
I knew no one was awake and any further knocking was pointless. I vaguely remember possibly promising to call about something else before that day's visit. I never called so likely they never expected me. My bad.
I prayed they indeed didn't expect me and I went on to do some important paperwork that I'd taken on for that person so as not to waste any time.
As I left I thought about how I could've been sick and it wouldn't have mattered but what could I do now.
Instead I spent 1 1/2 hours alone in Walmart creating a sheet of estimations for some one's new apartment writing down items, UPC codes and price tags. I then was thankful for my mistake as it was a calm and quiet time that I would've had to do with the person I was with (who would've complained and sighed for the entire time). At least I was accomplishing something.
My day continued on to get better even though I was exhausted (and thought 'Oh my goodness how do young moms survive????!!!').
By the end of our day we had enjoyed a nice meal with a great couple despite my honest madness.
I'm pretty sure what got me through though were those 5 minutes that didn't seem all that affordable at the beginning of the day.
5 minutes that I would sit down and shut up.
Moral of the story: when you are having one of those days where nothing's going right, time is evaporating, and you find yourself in a near fatal accident caused by dog pee and over tiredness ... take 5 minutes to sit down and shut up.
To be taken as needed, with eyes closed, outside if possible.
Sometimes they can save your life, or at least your day.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Patio Time
Patio time.
It's good to get some patio time.
I have a good friend I met at work that invited me over for some as she's currently on a week of holidays. And though she's a couple of years younger than I she's got a wisdom about our job that I envy. She's been at it for 10 years (yes, and she's only 28!!!).
During our patio we talked about our pending adoption and her awaiting for the school year to come. You see she's going back to college to do something that she LOVES in horticulture. She is so excited and I am too for her.
I said so. Then I added 'I'm so jealous.'
To which she replied: 'Oh my goodness what are you talking about?! You have great things happening too!!'
I added 'Well, yeah'.
Of course I by no means meant that my life wasn't engaging in it's own great things but I was seeing her follow a dream and going after it with guts and gusto. I could see how happy she would be to learn and live out her dreams.
Though I am completely ecstatic about becoming a mommy at the same time I wonder how we will provide without me having to work (at this point we are looking for ways for me to just alter my schedule a bit rather than cut it out completely like we'd both prefer).
I feel like I'm inviting stress as well as the hopes and dreams I've had forever.
For the past couple of years I've just become at peace (or more just to terms) with the fact that I will have to work so I better get used to it and learn how to do it.
Yet as I sat on the patio and thought about it I realized that I wasn't really allowing myself to consider the possibility of not working. I'd given up on the idea of being a full time at home mom. And the possibility that I could ever find a job that I sincerely loved and felt fulfilled by. So much that I could actually enjoy working a bit AND enjoy being a mommy too.
Now when I think of my job while trying to raise my kids (no matter how much I have to do it) I think of it as purely a means of income, not enjoyment, fulfillment or a calling. It's like the whole idea of just doing what I love and as a result being provided for is possible.
I think I honestly need to allow myself the opportunity to believe in the dream of both. Will it be easy? No will it be without sacrifice? Absolutely not. Will it come to me on a silver platter? I doubt it but I'm still going to ask for a nice shiny one anyways.
If we don't allow ourselves the ability to believe something is possible than I doubt that it really is.
I'm not saying I need excessive amounts of money or a life without strife, just a chance to explore what brings me and my family the most joy.
I've always been one to believe in and encourage others to not settle for what makes sense or looks right to those around me (or them). However I haven't always been the best example of it.
Perhaps the best challenge for myself this summer is not something like 'Eat at 5 new restaurants' or 'have a Hawaiian themed dinner party' but maybe it's more like 'try to live on one income for a couple of months', or 'make a list of things you love to do and creatively look at how you could make a business out of them'.
Maybe the answer to my stressors (at least in my mind) right now about the future are the challenge I need to take up. It could be a lot of fun. It certainly would be an interesting challenge to explore.
If you have any thoughts or ideas on this please share!
It's good to get some patio time.
I have a good friend I met at work that invited me over for some as she's currently on a week of holidays. And though she's a couple of years younger than I she's got a wisdom about our job that I envy. She's been at it for 10 years (yes, and she's only 28!!!).
During our patio we talked about our pending adoption and her awaiting for the school year to come. You see she's going back to college to do something that she LOVES in horticulture. She is so excited and I am too for her.
I said so. Then I added 'I'm so jealous.'
To which she replied: 'Oh my goodness what are you talking about?! You have great things happening too!!'
I added 'Well, yeah'.
Of course I by no means meant that my life wasn't engaging in it's own great things but I was seeing her follow a dream and going after it with guts and gusto. I could see how happy she would be to learn and live out her dreams.
Though I am completely ecstatic about becoming a mommy at the same time I wonder how we will provide without me having to work (at this point we are looking for ways for me to just alter my schedule a bit rather than cut it out completely like we'd both prefer).
I feel like I'm inviting stress as well as the hopes and dreams I've had forever.
For the past couple of years I've just become at peace (or more just to terms) with the fact that I will have to work so I better get used to it and learn how to do it.
Yet as I sat on the patio and thought about it I realized that I wasn't really allowing myself to consider the possibility of not working. I'd given up on the idea of being a full time at home mom. And the possibility that I could ever find a job that I sincerely loved and felt fulfilled by. So much that I could actually enjoy working a bit AND enjoy being a mommy too.
Now when I think of my job while trying to raise my kids (no matter how much I have to do it) I think of it as purely a means of income, not enjoyment, fulfillment or a calling. It's like the whole idea of just doing what I love and as a result being provided for is possible.
I think I honestly need to allow myself the opportunity to believe in the dream of both. Will it be easy? No will it be without sacrifice? Absolutely not. Will it come to me on a silver platter? I doubt it but I'm still going to ask for a nice shiny one anyways.
If we don't allow ourselves the ability to believe something is possible than I doubt that it really is.
I'm not saying I need excessive amounts of money or a life without strife, just a chance to explore what brings me and my family the most joy.
I've always been one to believe in and encourage others to not settle for what makes sense or looks right to those around me (or them). However I haven't always been the best example of it.
Perhaps the best challenge for myself this summer is not something like 'Eat at 5 new restaurants' or 'have a Hawaiian themed dinner party' but maybe it's more like 'try to live on one income for a couple of months', or 'make a list of things you love to do and creatively look at how you could make a business out of them'.
Maybe the answer to my stressors (at least in my mind) right now about the future are the challenge I need to take up. It could be a lot of fun. It certainly would be an interesting challenge to explore.
If you have any thoughts or ideas on this please share!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Things I ponder ....
* Is it just me or is passing gas while wearing a thong weird?
* Why does Wally get so annoyed when I keep saying 'We need to get a compost?' (He corrects me constantly that it is a COMPOST ER - ie 'Just like a lawnmower is NOT a lawnmow and a hairdryer is NOT a hairdry ...'
* Is it possible for me to come up with enough material to actually write a book and have it be good? (I'm considering putting more efforts into my writing again. Yeah, it comes and goes).
* Why do I keep leaving my keys in the front door? It drives Wally nuts!!
* I keep losing stuff. My itunes gift card, my keys (that's when I find them in the dorr), my running jacket, my shoes, my book, my money, my mind. Why can't EVERYTHING come with one of those beeper things on them that helps you find them?
* What is the mysterious thing that has Sweet awake scratching his ass off in the middle of the night?
* Why does Sour think he has the right to have a snarling fight over the occupancy of Sweet's bed in the middle of the night, giving Wally and I both heart attacks causing us to nearly jump out of our skin?
* Why do I keep coupons for places that offer deals on combos I'd never buy in the first place?
* Why do I feel like I could barf up my bananas right now?
* Am I getting arthritis in my joints? And do you think it will stop me from running my 10 K?
* Why can't your hair get cut the same twice in a row?
* Why can't the spell check in blogger fix ot into to, if it can recognize fo as of? (It's crap, that's why).
A few other whys in a word:
Mullets, rat tails, Velveeta, tube tops, white pants over bright panties, woman who wear their boobs mostly on the outside of their bras, men who wear sweat pants, diet coke sold at fast food restaurants, expensive lingerie, hairless chihuahuas, cats, rats, fleas, people who drive crazy in parking lots (my biggest pet peeve), bloating after eating something healthy, the lack of promotion in human services, nursing homes ... to name a few.
I don't know the answers but I can ponder.
* Why does Wally get so annoyed when I keep saying 'We need to get a compost?' (He corrects me constantly that it is a COMPOST ER - ie 'Just like a lawnmower is NOT a lawnmow and a hairdryer is NOT a hairdry ...'
* Is it possible for me to come up with enough material to actually write a book and have it be good? (I'm considering putting more efforts into my writing again. Yeah, it comes and goes).
* Why do I keep leaving my keys in the front door? It drives Wally nuts!!
* I keep losing stuff. My itunes gift card, my keys (that's when I find them in the dorr), my running jacket, my shoes, my book, my money, my mind. Why can't EVERYTHING come with one of those beeper things on them that helps you find them?
* What is the mysterious thing that has Sweet awake scratching his ass off in the middle of the night?
* Why does Sour think he has the right to have a snarling fight over the occupancy of Sweet's bed in the middle of the night, giving Wally and I both heart attacks causing us to nearly jump out of our skin?
* Why do I keep coupons for places that offer deals on combos I'd never buy in the first place?
* Why do I feel like I could barf up my bananas right now?
* Am I getting arthritis in my joints? And do you think it will stop me from running my 10 K?
* Why can't your hair get cut the same twice in a row?
* Why can't the spell check in blogger fix ot into to, if it can recognize fo as of? (It's crap, that's why).
A few other whys in a word:
Mullets, rat tails, Velveeta, tube tops, white pants over bright panties, woman who wear their boobs mostly on the outside of their bras, men who wear sweat pants, diet coke sold at fast food restaurants, expensive lingerie, hairless chihuahuas, cats, rats, fleas, people who drive crazy in parking lots (my biggest pet peeve), bloating after eating something healthy, the lack of promotion in human services, nursing homes ... to name a few.
I don't know the answers but I can ponder.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
My name is Eva and I am NO longer a facebook-aholic.
Through a blip in my work evening I am back earlier than anticipated.
What's on my mind?
A lot but I'll narrow it down for you.
My new facebookless world!
A few weeks ago I decided that I would go off of facebook until I had completed my 10K run.
Admittedly The first week of my training I did check my facebook usually once or twice a day. A huge improvement from the countless times I went on before in a day.
I knew people weren't expecting me on there so I had to stay quiet (which is my main challenge with facebook .... and a lot of things). After a couple of weeks I decided enough was enough and it was time to hit the deactivation button.
I did so hastily one afternoon and have yet to wish it back.
I won't lie. I miss being 'in the know' and I miss people knowing all about my absolutely exciting life (cough, cough). I do wish I could've made the 'We're going to be parents!!' status update. I still may IF I go back on in the fall. All in all though I thought it would be much harder than it really was.
I miss exercising my sense of humour, the fun banter with people I rarely see in an everyday context (if at all). I did love seeing pictures of people's babies and hearing about people's adventurous trips.
But let me also tell you about what I LOVE about not being on facebook!
I love getting real e-mail (though it's still not often enough).
I love knowing there are a select few that go out of their way to keep in touch.
I love how less cloudy my mind feels. (I seriously feel so much less junk is up there).
I love not being in the middle of drama and using my status to make known my position.
I love not reading between the lines about different things people say
I love not getting annoyed by annoying people who complain about EVERYTHING.
I love knowing I am (at least on facebook) not annoying people myself.
I love not seeing people's drunken, slutty pictures.
I love that being off of it sort of feels like a semi vacation.
I love that my co workers don't know EVERYTHING about my life now. (Unless they are of the select few).
I love that life seems a whole lot simpler.
Pretty big list considering facebook is supposed to be a little virtual world of connection.
I do miss feeling the facebook love and knowing that people sort of 'get' me better when they know the facebook Eva, but is it worth it crowding my mind up with worry and wonder over what so and so said or did or whom I may have offended?
Nope. At least not for now.
For now I will enjoy my little made up contract to be facebookless until I run my 10K (possibly at the end of September).
For humour's sake though allow me to give you my would be current status:
Eva Robot is going to be a mommy through the miracle of adoption!!!! We're going to be parents!!!
I know, I know. It's nothing new if you've been reading but I want the pretend facebook thrill.
Feel free to humour me and 'Like' or Comment on it, (even though many of you have spoiled me already with wonderful wishes - We've been waiting 10 years to say these words, I'm going to milk it till it's dry!)
A couple hours after that status update I would post this one:
Eva Robot needs to cut back on the hummus. For many reasons.
What's on my mind?
A lot but I'll narrow it down for you.
My new facebookless world!
A few weeks ago I decided that I would go off of facebook until I had completed my 10K run.
Admittedly The first week of my training I did check my facebook usually once or twice a day. A huge improvement from the countless times I went on before in a day.
I knew people weren't expecting me on there so I had to stay quiet (which is my main challenge with facebook .... and a lot of things). After a couple of weeks I decided enough was enough and it was time to hit the deactivation button.
I did so hastily one afternoon and have yet to wish it back.
I won't lie. I miss being 'in the know' and I miss people knowing all about my absolutely exciting life (cough, cough). I do wish I could've made the 'We're going to be parents!!' status update. I still may IF I go back on in the fall. All in all though I thought it would be much harder than it really was.
I miss exercising my sense of humour, the fun banter with people I rarely see in an everyday context (if at all). I did love seeing pictures of people's babies and hearing about people's adventurous trips.
But let me also tell you about what I LOVE about not being on facebook!
I love getting real e-mail (though it's still not often enough).
I love knowing there are a select few that go out of their way to keep in touch.
I love how less cloudy my mind feels. (I seriously feel so much less junk is up there).
I love not being in the middle of drama and using my status to make known my position.
I love not reading between the lines about different things people say
I love not getting annoyed by annoying people who complain about EVERYTHING.
I love knowing I am (at least on facebook) not annoying people myself.
I love not seeing people's drunken, slutty pictures.
I love that being off of it sort of feels like a semi vacation.
I love that my co workers don't know EVERYTHING about my life now. (Unless they are of the select few).
I love that life seems a whole lot simpler.
Pretty big list considering facebook is supposed to be a little virtual world of connection.
I do miss feeling the facebook love and knowing that people sort of 'get' me better when they know the facebook Eva, but is it worth it crowding my mind up with worry and wonder over what so and so said or did or whom I may have offended?
Nope. At least not for now.
For now I will enjoy my little made up contract to be facebookless until I run my 10K (possibly at the end of September).
For humour's sake though allow me to give you my would be current status:
Eva Robot is going to be a mommy through the miracle of adoption!!!! We're going to be parents!!!
I know, I know. It's nothing new if you've been reading but I want the pretend facebook thrill.
Feel free to humour me and 'Like' or Comment on it, (even though many of you have spoiled me already with wonderful wishes - We've been waiting 10 years to say these words, I'm going to milk it till it's dry!)
A couple hours after that status update I would post this one:
Eva Robot needs to cut back on the hummus. For many reasons.
Always hungry
Ahhhhhh....
It's not quite 1:30 in the afternoon and I have just sat down (rather unlady like for a woman wearing a dress, but I'm home alone) from accomplishing a ridiculous amount of work and will choose to relax for the next hour before going to work for the afternoon/evening.
I just watched a little boy who I'm guessing is around 8 or 9 years old wheel by on his bike. He looked flushed from the heat, his blond hair was sweaty and he wore pop bottle glasses, and by the way was not using his hands.
The first thing I think is 'I wonder if he bathes everyday?' Do kids bathe everyday? I would hope if they're all sweaty. Hmmmm, I'll have to figure this out.
I have time.
I hate that when I finally have time to sit and write all of the topics that have rushed through my head in the past week have indeed gone through my head leaving only tumbleweeds behind...
Yesterday was the day I said my dreaded goodbyes to Glo. Shockingly enough I kept it together. We had lunch at an AMAZING burger place called Relsih. There aren't words and since I'm not a food blogger I won't go on, but I could, I really, really could.
We also picked up gourmet cupcakes (since I'd never had one officially) to celebrate her birthday which she'll be gone for in August.
We exchanged gifts of goodbye and hugged trying to pretend that we'd see each other next week at the gym. the pretending worked. Unlike the previous week of blubbering I had done in Wal-mart, Chapters, the grocery store and at home, I did not shed a tear. I think I've finally come to the place where I realize we will remain friends no matter how it may be lived out in the future. I needn't grieve without hope.
We decided to initiate our good bye date at the gym with my longest run yet, at least that was my hope.
It prevailed and I ran a comfortable 4 miles. I realized I could've either gone farther or quicker as I wasn't dying by the end, but I was happy with how I did anyway. Beyond happy. I'm 2/3rds of the way to 10 K.
I was just looking online for an actual 10 K race to do this fall, as that is my goal. I found one in a little town near my home town. I'm hoping by the end of the week to commit to it. That is a huge step for me.
I've also been browsing running clubs in my city. I still have a difficult time referring to myself as a runner. I'm not lean (I've gained 15 pounds since December of last year, but that's another blog post), I'm not fast, unless you conclude that 10:45min/mile is fast, and I'm not all that knowledgeable (or at all).
But I need to get my socializing out some how and I'm afraid with Glo gone I'll run away from the gym and my goals. Although today I went to the gym near our house alone for the first time, that's impressive for me. I did almost give up halfway through though seeing as I think all of the women in the women's only section were where I was.
I'm trying to figure out what new thing to explore this summer, what new experience I should have.
2 years ago I started this blog and went on my notorious '40 Day adventure' where I tried 40 mew things in 40 days (well I only got to 37 but 40 was the goal). It honestly changed my life.
Last summer I took a week off by myself which included 2 days and 2 nights at a B & B alone. If you were reading back then you'll know that's when I realized I was indeed called to be a mother. Almost exactly a year later Wally and I handed in our first round of paperwork for adoption. Crazy.
And still, I'm bored. Yes, there are always things to do, chores to accomplish and priorities to make but you don't always learn from those things or get excited by them.
I just want to do something different, meet more new people, once again experience something brand new. I'm guessing next year at this time I'll be very close if not already experiencing something new by hopefully becoming a mother ... we'll see.
What can I do now? What can I try?
I swear. I'm never satisfied.
It's not quite 1:30 in the afternoon and I have just sat down (rather unlady like for a woman wearing a dress, but I'm home alone) from accomplishing a ridiculous amount of work and will choose to relax for the next hour before going to work for the afternoon/evening.
I just watched a little boy who I'm guessing is around 8 or 9 years old wheel by on his bike. He looked flushed from the heat, his blond hair was sweaty and he wore pop bottle glasses, and by the way was not using his hands.
The first thing I think is 'I wonder if he bathes everyday?' Do kids bathe everyday? I would hope if they're all sweaty. Hmmmm, I'll have to figure this out.
I have time.
I hate that when I finally have time to sit and write all of the topics that have rushed through my head in the past week have indeed gone through my head leaving only tumbleweeds behind...
Yesterday was the day I said my dreaded goodbyes to Glo. Shockingly enough I kept it together. We had lunch at an AMAZING burger place called Relsih. There aren't words and since I'm not a food blogger I won't go on, but I could, I really, really could.
We also picked up gourmet cupcakes (since I'd never had one officially) to celebrate her birthday which she'll be gone for in August.
We exchanged gifts of goodbye and hugged trying to pretend that we'd see each other next week at the gym. the pretending worked. Unlike the previous week of blubbering I had done in Wal-mart, Chapters, the grocery store and at home, I did not shed a tear. I think I've finally come to the place where I realize we will remain friends no matter how it may be lived out in the future. I needn't grieve without hope.
We decided to initiate our good bye date at the gym with my longest run yet, at least that was my hope.
It prevailed and I ran a comfortable 4 miles. I realized I could've either gone farther or quicker as I wasn't dying by the end, but I was happy with how I did anyway. Beyond happy. I'm 2/3rds of the way to 10 K.
I was just looking online for an actual 10 K race to do this fall, as that is my goal. I found one in a little town near my home town. I'm hoping by the end of the week to commit to it. That is a huge step for me.
I've also been browsing running clubs in my city. I still have a difficult time referring to myself as a runner. I'm not lean (I've gained 15 pounds since December of last year, but that's another blog post), I'm not fast, unless you conclude that 10:45min/mile is fast, and I'm not all that knowledgeable (or at all).
But I need to get my socializing out some how and I'm afraid with Glo gone I'll run away from the gym and my goals. Although today I went to the gym near our house alone for the first time, that's impressive for me. I did almost give up halfway through though seeing as I think all of the women in the women's only section were where I was.
I'm trying to figure out what new thing to explore this summer, what new experience I should have.
2 years ago I started this blog and went on my notorious '40 Day adventure' where I tried 40 mew things in 40 days (well I only got to 37 but 40 was the goal). It honestly changed my life.
Last summer I took a week off by myself which included 2 days and 2 nights at a B & B alone. If you were reading back then you'll know that's when I realized I was indeed called to be a mother. Almost exactly a year later Wally and I handed in our first round of paperwork for adoption. Crazy.
And still, I'm bored. Yes, there are always things to do, chores to accomplish and priorities to make but you don't always learn from those things or get excited by them.
I just want to do something different, meet more new people, once again experience something brand new. I'm guessing next year at this time I'll be very close if not already experiencing something new by hopefully becoming a mother ... we'll see.
What can I do now? What can I try?
I swear. I'm never satisfied.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Bits and Pieces
What a beautiful day today!
The birds are chirping (which usually annoys the hell out of me), the sun is shining (at which point I usually wonder when I'll have to complain about the heat), and I have completed the 'must do' to do list and it's only 9:30pm. We have plans tonight after I'm done work (though late) with friends we haven't seen in a while. WE have plans with Wally's sister and her husband tomorrow to celebrate the holiday (and will FINALLY get to see fireworks for the first time in years!!!).
I feel good!
I sort of feel as though I have little to write about but I know it's not true. I have tonnes of thoughts in my head but little time alone to let them ferment into some thing great. Though working mostly afternoons wasn't great for the relationship I really miss it for the me time and the time I had to write a lot more. I would bet that if I was single I'd prefer afternoons over days I just feel like I have way more time and I get so much more done in the morning. I am a morning person.
Little new has been happening lately, other than Sweet being a Scratchasaurus every night leaving me with little sleep (I'm trying ot get it while I can over the next year or so).
The other night Wally an dI decided to take matters into our own hands and try Benadryl. Yes, for the dog. I've heard and read from many sources that it's an option for possible allergies and we are guessing that's what Sweet has. The other night he was chewing himself so much that he'd even cry out at his own biting.
So off we went to the drug store and got our stuff with the all important syringe to give it to him with.
Well let's just say we should've tried to think back to the last time one of our dogs had to have medication taken orally with a syringe. We forgot.
Instead we foolishly believed that two grown adults could overtake a nervous, un co-operative 18 pound Shi-Tzu (one of whom was wearing a silk nightie which doesn't give good grip against a furry little body .... wow, you could take that anywhere but I trust you get what I mean).
We were ready for bed and I coaxed little Sweet onto my lap and then hugged him tight, pried his mouth open and yelled for Wally to squeeze the liquid in, while my attire caused a slip and slide effect that was less than humorous at the time. After much wrestling and failed attempts we finally emptied half of the medication into his mouth (on us and the bed sheets and duvet). And then I was hit by a lightning of a thought.... When Sour had oral liquid medication a few years ago we've justs squirt it on a piece of bread and he gobbled it up.
I hate moments like that when you realize you already knew the solution but had to go through crap to remember that you knew. (Hmmmmmm sounds like a good sermon illustration).
Anyhow, needless to say all four of us slept like babies that night and it was amazing.
I looked forward to the same thing last night except I ignored Wally's ever present advice not to consume caffeine in the evening (hell, I'm not 85!!). I rarely even drink pop but I'd bought a case of Cherry Coke while over the border with Glo on Monday and felt my 13 hour day deserved a treat.
Let's just say I should've consumed my treat at noon rather than 6pm and I may actually be 85.
In other news my grandmother knows about our plans to adopt and is actually happy. Or at least she said she was excited for us when she was talking to Wally on the phone last week.
I had my parents share the news as I didn't know exactly how it would be received. My mom is being a little strange. No blatantly negative just ... strange and not overly exuberant so I really didn't know how my 7over 75 year old grandma might take it, especially since we may not get an infant (it's strange how people will accept an infant so much easier than an older child often).
Of course my fears weren't eased when my mama said 'We'll tell her in person' in an ominous tone when she agreed to tell our news. I was afraid maybe I had cancer and didn't know it the way she was talking.
It was weird I had a conversation with my mama later and she asked if I still wanted a picture I'd always admired of a woman holding her baby looking out a window. She's in a light cotton long night dress, sort of old fashioned. Its' a fairly popular piece of art ... I think.
I thought it was interesting that she remembered that AND that she asked if I still wanted it ...considering the situation (I think).
I was caught completely off guard so I said 'No, it's ok'. I don't know. I still love the picture, it says so much. After I thought about it I thought it might be still nice to have in our room. A mother's heart isn't just there when she has a baby. At the time though I was thinking about baby rooms and just figured it'd be ill fitting.
I'm trying to be understanding and know that it's not always easy when you dream of something for your kids and yourself and for it to turn out differently initially. Overall I'm sure it'll be fine but it's an adjustment. A lot of her way of expressing love is through buying gifts. She loves to do this with everyone. And because we don't know the age of the child or how many or the gender I think it's difficult for her to bond with the idea yet. I'll have to be patient.
On a very exciting note when we told Wally's family (which admittedly was more thoughtful and built with excitement) they were all very, very happy.
I bought I card that had a cookie on it (appropriate in so many ways) and said 'You deserve a cookie', on the inside it had 2 cookies and said 'Actually maybe you deserve 2'. Then I wrote: 'Because we just started the adoption process .... which means you're going to be grandparents!!!'
I couldn't have asked for better reactions. I actually feel a little bad for not doing the same thing with my parents but I didn't want them to think at any point the card was saying I was pregnant, nor didI want them to NOT be visibly excited while I waited for them to be. I decided to skip it to avoid any of my own hurt over what their reactions would be. All in all it's all ok and evens out.
I'll admit though I worry a bit about if I ever get pregnant later and telling people. I honestly would be sad if people were MORE excited about a pregnancy even though it would be great - to us this is JUST as great. Oh well worries for another day, or maybe never :)
Instead of buying clothes and such I've started expanding our children's' book collection. I think books are amazing and hope to instill this into our kids. It's hard though. I want to buy all of the Berenstien Bear collection, definitely Little Critter (I love him!), and you know, all of the great books out there.
Book stores to me are like bars to an alcoholic. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! How can you go in without getting a few?!
Anyhoo, speaking of books 'The Help' is calling for me to read it. It's really good. I only wish I had more time in the day!
Ciao
The birds are chirping (which usually annoys the hell out of me), the sun is shining (at which point I usually wonder when I'll have to complain about the heat), and I have completed the 'must do' to do list and it's only 9:30pm. We have plans tonight after I'm done work (though late) with friends we haven't seen in a while. WE have plans with Wally's sister and her husband tomorrow to celebrate the holiday (and will FINALLY get to see fireworks for the first time in years!!!).
I feel good!
I sort of feel as though I have little to write about but I know it's not true. I have tonnes of thoughts in my head but little time alone to let them ferment into some thing great. Though working mostly afternoons wasn't great for the relationship I really miss it for the me time and the time I had to write a lot more. I would bet that if I was single I'd prefer afternoons over days I just feel like I have way more time and I get so much more done in the morning. I am a morning person.
Little new has been happening lately, other than Sweet being a Scratchasaurus every night leaving me with little sleep (I'm trying ot get it while I can over the next year or so).
The other night Wally an dI decided to take matters into our own hands and try Benadryl. Yes, for the dog. I've heard and read from many sources that it's an option for possible allergies and we are guessing that's what Sweet has. The other night he was chewing himself so much that he'd even cry out at his own biting.
So off we went to the drug store and got our stuff with the all important syringe to give it to him with.
Well let's just say we should've tried to think back to the last time one of our dogs had to have medication taken orally with a syringe. We forgot.
Instead we foolishly believed that two grown adults could overtake a nervous, un co-operative 18 pound Shi-Tzu (one of whom was wearing a silk nightie which doesn't give good grip against a furry little body .... wow, you could take that anywhere but I trust you get what I mean).
We were ready for bed and I coaxed little Sweet onto my lap and then hugged him tight, pried his mouth open and yelled for Wally to squeeze the liquid in, while my attire caused a slip and slide effect that was less than humorous at the time. After much wrestling and failed attempts we finally emptied half of the medication into his mouth (on us and the bed sheets and duvet). And then I was hit by a lightning of a thought.... When Sour had oral liquid medication a few years ago we've justs squirt it on a piece of bread and he gobbled it up.
I hate moments like that when you realize you already knew the solution but had to go through crap to remember that you knew. (Hmmmmmm sounds like a good sermon illustration).
Anyhow, needless to say all four of us slept like babies that night and it was amazing.
I looked forward to the same thing last night except I ignored Wally's ever present advice not to consume caffeine in the evening (hell, I'm not 85!!). I rarely even drink pop but I'd bought a case of Cherry Coke while over the border with Glo on Monday and felt my 13 hour day deserved a treat.
Let's just say I should've consumed my treat at noon rather than 6pm and I may actually be 85.
In other news my grandmother knows about our plans to adopt and is actually happy. Or at least she said she was excited for us when she was talking to Wally on the phone last week.
I had my parents share the news as I didn't know exactly how it would be received. My mom is being a little strange. No blatantly negative just ... strange and not overly exuberant so I really didn't know how my 7over 75 year old grandma might take it, especially since we may not get an infant (it's strange how people will accept an infant so much easier than an older child often).
Of course my fears weren't eased when my mama said 'We'll tell her in person' in an ominous tone when she agreed to tell our news. I was afraid maybe I had cancer and didn't know it the way she was talking.
It was weird I had a conversation with my mama later and she asked if I still wanted a picture I'd always admired of a woman holding her baby looking out a window. She's in a light cotton long night dress, sort of old fashioned. Its' a fairly popular piece of art ... I think.
I thought it was interesting that she remembered that AND that she asked if I still wanted it ...considering the situation (I think).
I was caught completely off guard so I said 'No, it's ok'. I don't know. I still love the picture, it says so much. After I thought about it I thought it might be still nice to have in our room. A mother's heart isn't just there when she has a baby. At the time though I was thinking about baby rooms and just figured it'd be ill fitting.
I'm trying to be understanding and know that it's not always easy when you dream of something for your kids and yourself and for it to turn out differently initially. Overall I'm sure it'll be fine but it's an adjustment. A lot of her way of expressing love is through buying gifts. She loves to do this with everyone. And because we don't know the age of the child or how many or the gender I think it's difficult for her to bond with the idea yet. I'll have to be patient.
On a very exciting note when we told Wally's family (which admittedly was more thoughtful and built with excitement) they were all very, very happy.
I bought I card that had a cookie on it (appropriate in so many ways) and said 'You deserve a cookie', on the inside it had 2 cookies and said 'Actually maybe you deserve 2'. Then I wrote: 'Because we just started the adoption process .... which means you're going to be grandparents!!!'
I couldn't have asked for better reactions. I actually feel a little bad for not doing the same thing with my parents but I didn't want them to think at any point the card was saying I was pregnant, nor didI want them to NOT be visibly excited while I waited for them to be. I decided to skip it to avoid any of my own hurt over what their reactions would be. All in all it's all ok and evens out.
I'll admit though I worry a bit about if I ever get pregnant later and telling people. I honestly would be sad if people were MORE excited about a pregnancy even though it would be great - to us this is JUST as great. Oh well worries for another day, or maybe never :)
Instead of buying clothes and such I've started expanding our children's' book collection. I think books are amazing and hope to instill this into our kids. It's hard though. I want to buy all of the Berenstien Bear collection, definitely Little Critter (I love him!), and you know, all of the great books out there.
Book stores to me are like bars to an alcoholic. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! How can you go in without getting a few?!
Anyhoo, speaking of books 'The Help' is calling for me to read it. It's really good. I only wish I had more time in the day!
Ciao
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Changes
It's the end of a school year and though I have no kids I'm feeling the often unwanted pull of change in the air.
Several 'everyday' changes seem to be finding me (or will be soon) and it seems to be a lot at once but as I process them I hope I'm able to embrace the good they will/are bringing.
What, you may ask, are they?
* Glo's moving :(
Through life it's common to have people you meet and welcome into your life. Some are there for a short season, some a life time and some a mixture of both of these depending how the winds blows.
Glo and I became friends a little over a year ago and have grown steadily closer as time has gone by (as you may know if you've read my blog already).
We decided not to take the opportunity for this unexpected friendship for granted and in my opinion were able to mutually give and take so much from it.
Though excellent thoughtful conversations were a norm common interests we shared were surrounding health and fitness. Glo is a runner and I an aspiring one. I had recently discovered 'clean eating' (though constantly struggling to maintain a steady foothold in it), Glo was interested in learning more about it.
Glo had gone to Thailand for a month a couple years ago. I had been planning a trip to go there in several months.
Both of us had/have deep interests in being open to life and what it has to offer, opportunities, people, goals. We were/are a great match in friendship.
Let me not forget to mention our vast differences (pointed out often by those who knew us both).
Glo: genuinely happy, sunshiney, caring, wants the best for others, positive, uses a sticker chart to invoke success in her healthy lifestyle AND it works, type of person.
Me: must work at being content, a little grey cloudish (I like to think realistically so), honest to a fault sometimes (most times), want the best for myself (and will admit it), a wee bit on the negative side (or so I'm told), tried the sticker chart AND failed miserably at it.
We're a good match (or at least she's good for me) :)
But, my good match, my 3-4 times a week gym buddy and Thursday night hang out pal is soon to be on another continent nannying a 2 year old and possibly exploring some Dutch men on the side (ok so she'd never say that or actually actively do the exploring but hopefully she'll enjoy the possibilities).
This is a BIG change for me. Glo's the one person in my life in the past several months who has gone above and beyond what I've ever known as an available friend. Something people rarely get to give or share with others (seeing as I'm kidless right now and she was a student all these months, generally a mixture not found often but great for availability!).
So I am trying to figure out how best to live without my fitness life preserver and fun friend after being indulged by her attention over the past few months.
Another change ...
* Beginning the road to parenthood through adoption
Yes I've probably already used up my quotient of acceptable number of blog posts about the topic but they will likely only increase. It has taken so long to get to a point of taking the steps towards this journey so to absorb and mentally 'figure out' how we're feeling and learning what we need to know in this unusual area of parenting is a challenge.
(Yes, it's unusual - I tried to pick up some adoption-parenting books the other day and in a giant book store with thousands and thousands of books there were only 6 on the topic).
This is a wonderfully good change but an intimidating and unknown one to say the least.
It's one thing not to know the gender of your child but to also wonder if you will have more than one AND how old they will be is an altogether different story. My new way of dealing with the lack of preparation we are able to do is to buy children's' books. It is my new obsession. (I have enough to do a whole post on this I think!).
By the way, the other day we moved a couple of pieces of furniture into our future child's room. I quickly got the books I'd picked up over the years and put them on the bookshelf. There aren't words to describe how it felt to know that somebody would be hearing me read those books to them someday in that very room. Wow!
* My continued road to freedom (in regards to my body image and food struggles)
Yes, I've alluded to it before but I'm saying it plain now... I feel as though I've failed (though I know in my head I've just detoured which can then help me better understand where I'm at and where I need to go).
From a number perspective I've gained weight and my clothes are snug. From a much more important perspective I've fallen back into a very unhealthy food lifestyle that had lead me to have negative health symptoms that have reminded me why I went to clean eating in the first place, how much I really do love it and how easy it is to let your surroundings determine your success.
It's a journey, not a destination. I know that in my head beyond a doubt. I am so thankful that I do and that I feel that I've gained wisdom through out my own journey so far and I'm so excited to grow more (no pun intended!!). I no longer allow my 'in the moment' fears and frustrations of my faults in keeping on the clean eating straight and narrow (because it's not rules, it's a healthy lifestyle choice that I feel so much freedom in) to chase me to some fad diet. I believe I have truly accepted (or at least accepted that I need to accept) the fact that true change is gradual and every successful step in the right direction is to be celebrated. It's ok to struggle, it helps you learn how to do better.
This lesson is a difficult one when you feel as though your pants may indeed cut off your circulation in the mean time, but it is necessary to slow down, calm down and be real along the way.
I am not a failure just a life long learner :)
I look forward to where this journey is taking me.
* 10 K Training
Lastly I am continuing to train for my fall 10 K. Admittedly without Glo at the gym I wonder how things will go, I do know that I will do this one, even if I'm lonely at the finish line.
Though I was supposed to be on week 4 now I am doing week 3 over as I abandoned it mid way last week so I'm doing it over and embracing the challenge!
Never a dull moment in life is there?
Several 'everyday' changes seem to be finding me (or will be soon) and it seems to be a lot at once but as I process them I hope I'm able to embrace the good they will/are bringing.
What, you may ask, are they?
* Glo's moving :(
Through life it's common to have people you meet and welcome into your life. Some are there for a short season, some a life time and some a mixture of both of these depending how the winds blows.
Glo and I became friends a little over a year ago and have grown steadily closer as time has gone by (as you may know if you've read my blog already).
We decided not to take the opportunity for this unexpected friendship for granted and in my opinion were able to mutually give and take so much from it.
Though excellent thoughtful conversations were a norm common interests we shared were surrounding health and fitness. Glo is a runner and I an aspiring one. I had recently discovered 'clean eating' (though constantly struggling to maintain a steady foothold in it), Glo was interested in learning more about it.
Glo had gone to Thailand for a month a couple years ago. I had been planning a trip to go there in several months.
Both of us had/have deep interests in being open to life and what it has to offer, opportunities, people, goals. We were/are a great match in friendship.
Let me not forget to mention our vast differences (pointed out often by those who knew us both).
Glo: genuinely happy, sunshiney, caring, wants the best for others, positive, uses a sticker chart to invoke success in her healthy lifestyle AND it works, type of person.
Me: must work at being content, a little grey cloudish (I like to think realistically so), honest to a fault sometimes (most times), want the best for myself (and will admit it), a wee bit on the negative side (or so I'm told), tried the sticker chart AND failed miserably at it.
We're a good match (or at least she's good for me) :)
But, my good match, my 3-4 times a week gym buddy and Thursday night hang out pal is soon to be on another continent nannying a 2 year old and possibly exploring some Dutch men on the side (ok so she'd never say that or actually actively do the exploring but hopefully she'll enjoy the possibilities).
This is a BIG change for me. Glo's the one person in my life in the past several months who has gone above and beyond what I've ever known as an available friend. Something people rarely get to give or share with others (seeing as I'm kidless right now and she was a student all these months, generally a mixture not found often but great for availability!).
So I am trying to figure out how best to live without my fitness life preserver and fun friend after being indulged by her attention over the past few months.
Another change ...
* Beginning the road to parenthood through adoption
Yes I've probably already used up my quotient of acceptable number of blog posts about the topic but they will likely only increase. It has taken so long to get to a point of taking the steps towards this journey so to absorb and mentally 'figure out' how we're feeling and learning what we need to know in this unusual area of parenting is a challenge.
(Yes, it's unusual - I tried to pick up some adoption-parenting books the other day and in a giant book store with thousands and thousands of books there were only 6 on the topic).
This is a wonderfully good change but an intimidating and unknown one to say the least.
It's one thing not to know the gender of your child but to also wonder if you will have more than one AND how old they will be is an altogether different story. My new way of dealing with the lack of preparation we are able to do is to buy children's' books. It is my new obsession. (I have enough to do a whole post on this I think!).
By the way, the other day we moved a couple of pieces of furniture into our future child's room. I quickly got the books I'd picked up over the years and put them on the bookshelf. There aren't words to describe how it felt to know that somebody would be hearing me read those books to them someday in that very room. Wow!
* My continued road to freedom (in regards to my body image and food struggles)
Yes, I've alluded to it before but I'm saying it plain now... I feel as though I've failed (though I know in my head I've just detoured which can then help me better understand where I'm at and where I need to go).
From a number perspective I've gained weight and my clothes are snug. From a much more important perspective I've fallen back into a very unhealthy food lifestyle that had lead me to have negative health symptoms that have reminded me why I went to clean eating in the first place, how much I really do love it and how easy it is to let your surroundings determine your success.
It's a journey, not a destination. I know that in my head beyond a doubt. I am so thankful that I do and that I feel that I've gained wisdom through out my own journey so far and I'm so excited to grow more (no pun intended!!). I no longer allow my 'in the moment' fears and frustrations of my faults in keeping on the clean eating straight and narrow (because it's not rules, it's a healthy lifestyle choice that I feel so much freedom in) to chase me to some fad diet. I believe I have truly accepted (or at least accepted that I need to accept) the fact that true change is gradual and every successful step in the right direction is to be celebrated. It's ok to struggle, it helps you learn how to do better.
This lesson is a difficult one when you feel as though your pants may indeed cut off your circulation in the mean time, but it is necessary to slow down, calm down and be real along the way.
I am not a failure just a life long learner :)
I look forward to where this journey is taking me.
* 10 K Training
Lastly I am continuing to train for my fall 10 K. Admittedly without Glo at the gym I wonder how things will go, I do know that I will do this one, even if I'm lonely at the finish line.
Though I was supposed to be on week 4 now I am doing week 3 over as I abandoned it mid way last week so I'm doing it over and embracing the challenge!
Never a dull moment in life is there?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)