Saturday, June 5, 2010

Nearly empty hourglass

So much to tell, so much to tell...

Last night I completed whatever number was my marble slab cake number and had it coincide with my late '30 and flirty' birthday party. Then today Wally and I went to our high school reunion, sort of.

I believe these are both separate posts, along with the egg post I have yet to write as well as my experience with Gelato I have not shared. So much to tell, so little time.

It's funny that I mention time. The thought just blazed through my mind as I typed the second last paragraph that maybe I should wish for more time. (Because apparently in my little mind there's a little wish fairy ready and waiting to grant my every whim and want).

Then I remembered all I've learned from the fact that my time is limited AND the amount left in my life and yours is a secret.

Do you ever think about that? I know if we spent all day wondering about how much sand was left in the hour glass of our life we'd go completely batty.

I've heard many times people comment or ask 'If this was the last day you would have left to be alive what would you do?' Then the other person answers with: 'I'd spend it with my love, my family and closest friends. We'd have a picnic on clouds. We'd tell each other how much we meant to one another, eat all the food we've avoided for years. Maybe let a snowflake melt on my tongue and treasure the sunlight on my skin' (you know 'cause apparently if you were given one more day you'd have a time machine to travel to and fro with).

You know what I think most of us would do if we were told today was the last day we had? Stay in bed hiding under a pillow shaking in our skin and ask whoever was with us 'Is it true? Am I gonna die tomorrow? I'm so scared! I'm so scared! I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!' I don't care if you have the peace of Jesus or not, you're still human.

That's what I'd think we'd do because we certainly couldn't digest the information fast enough to let it take effect. Which I think is why no matter where technology and science take us, I believe, we will never really know the exact time we have on earth.

My biggest lesson on time I've shared through my stories of grief within my family. Losing my aunt and several other family members taught me more than I could ever learn from a book. I am so thankful to have been given the chance to learn them first hand.

These lessons have taught me that wishing for more of most things is a very foolish mistake.

Time for example. If I wished for more of it with my aunt I'd never really have a chance to appreciate what we did have. Think about people in your life you love (or loved). They may have passed on or moved away. If you had them around every single day and talked deep and wide about all of life every minute, would you truly appreciate them and grow from them the way you do without them beside you?

Wally asked me last week when I was getting a little weepy over having to say goodbye to my aunt when I did, 'Would you trade in all that you've learned to have her back in your life like nothing ever happened?'

I knew the answer to that right away. It was a big fat selfish 'No'. I don't think I would trade anything in to have her back. I couldn't even dream of what or where my life would be had I not been taught that lesson right then and there. I am not someone that thinks 'It was God's plan to take her', I believe God is a bigger genius than we think He is and can do incredible things with our brokenness. So incredible we think He had it all planned out in the first place. He's cool that way - in my opinion.

Anyhow, what I was saying is that I learned that we each have a time line. We each come with an expiration date, if you will. We never know when, where or how life as we know it will end, we just really know we have this minute.

I often get caught romanticizing life. It's not abnormal for me to spend time thinking about if this is my last day, if I've said my piece to those I love, if I've lived true to who I feel I've been called to be. I think about if I am living full of life, full of gratitude, full of awareness of the gift we have in waking up everyday (especially in this country). Most times I'm at peace with things. Most times I sit and know that I've done my best to live loudly my lessons learned (even though there are always more to receive).

But there are times I am challenged to look deeper and check myself, my heart, a bit further. Times that challenge my inaction.

That's when I stop and really try to keep tabs on the random thoughts that go through my head telling me to ask that person out for coffee or spend $15 on cards just to put a smile on someone's face. Time's when I decide it's not ridiculous to save the message on my answering machine of my mom singing happy birthday to me on my 30th birthday and telling me she 'loves me lots' because we know it but rarely say it.

These times have made me e-mail people I only know through facebook and ask for a coffee date because maybe we'll hit it off, or maybe we won't and we'll just stay great internet friends. These times make me buy myself a great card and address it with an encouraging note because why the heck not.

Ultimately I've learned that really sometimes the less you have of something the better what you do have can be.

I really kind of love feeling and wondering if my time line may be coming to an end tomorrow (though I could never say I live everyday as if it were my last per se because if I knew it was I'd be running rampant like a chicken with my head cut off).

It makes me think harder about the things I plan on doing, the goals I set, the places I see, and of course how I spend my time.

If today was it for me (Lord willing it's not) I would be ecstatic about every painful minute I spent in the gym. I'd be proud of myself for going back to school. I'd be happy with the fact that I have been faithful to my husband, though with definite struggle to stay married at times. I would know that each person I love knows that I love them and that I did my best to live without too much concern for what people thought of my crazy parties and such.

I don't live perfectly but I do try my best to live within my time. Whatever that may be.

If you can, try and live today enjoying that you are. Even in the moments you maybe wish you weren't. Because at some point you won't.

I feel like someone needs a hug ... *hug*

By the way, try not to look at things you are forced to let go of as losses. Really try to find the gain.

I lost my aunt, but feel like I gained my life.

Sometimes it's easy to feel guilty when you gain something out of a loss, don't. It could be God's way of trying to give you the best gift you could imagine. Let Him.

1 comment:

Stacy said...

This was exactly something I needed to read today. Thank you