Yes this day was a full one for me – I jumped from one sibling in my family to another in Wally’s family, but I was all a go and ready to switch gears. I say that because it is much different going from one person to another in a matter of minutes - especially considering the kind of conversation I had with my brother.
Here’s some background … Pumpkin is Wally’s younger sister. She is 6 years younger than me and seven years younger than Wally. She’s the baby of the family, just like me. She is creative, talented in many things, strong willed and loyal to those she loves dearly – I’d like to think we are similar in those things too (nothing like building yourself up). Pumpkin and I have had our ups and downs. When I came on the scene she was just turning 12, a scary time for every one that age, (along with everyone around them). It was not an easy adjustment to have her brother fall for and become enthralled with another girl – I was the competition and to be honest I was winning. That is by no means to say Wally loved me more than her, obviously it’s totally different, but his time and thoughts were all about his new love and that wasn’t easy for Pumpkin.
Wally and Pumpkin, in my opinion, were/are quite close. I think she looked up to him (both literally and figuratively) and it wasn’t easy to watch his attention stray from home. I probably would have felt the same if I had that kind of relationship with my brother. Needless to say we had a strained relationship at the beginning, we’ve tried through the years to work on it and there have been good times and some rough times. We have just not clicked naturally – some people just don’t and that’s ok, but I want to at least be able to figure out something that will work out for both of us, because once again I think there’s potential. Thus the reason I put time with Pumpkin on my list.
Let me be honest, sometimes Pumpkin scares me – she’s not someone I would whip my opinions around freely with, mostly because with every opinion I have she has one too (as does everyone really). When ever you have two people with strong ideas you have a potential brawl. I like to avoid brawls if I can, so I do try to be careful of how much I say my true thoughts around her. I don’t want to intentionally offend her or unintentionally offend her. I care for her a lot and I want a good relationship with her. Whenever you try to be safe guarded like that (with anyone) it does produce a sort of wall between you. Sometimes that’s the best for everyone and sometimes it just plain sucks. By intentionally taking time to hang out and talk my hope was that we could continue to build on something.
I picked her up around 11am and she was ready for lunch (as she hadn’t eaten yet and had already worked the morning). We headed off to a fast food restaurant and I was saddened to miss out on some yummy grease, however the smells were quite fulfilling. I knew we wouldn’t have a lot of time to ‘connect’ in that restaurant or get conversation going so I offered to take her for some yummy ice cream, she was game.
After sitting we began talking about her pending marriage in October, the challenges that pre wedding stress produces, as well as regular relationship stuff. It was nice to have something in common to chat about and share together, I don’t know about her but I really enjoyed connecting. I’m not sure how it came up exactly but my blog was mentioned, as well as some of the items on my list. She started asking some questions like where I got the idea to do it, what had happened to change my outlook on life, what were some things on my secretive list? It was kind of weird, for the first time I feel like we were really talking and listening to each other – even though we’ve known one another for over 11 years.
Pumpkin never came out and asked me for the address to my blog but I knew deep down she wanted it. I didn’t blame her – with the secrets it holds and all (ok I’m just kidding). The whole thought of her being privy to my inward thoughts is scary because I know we don’t agree on everything and to be honest I don’t want to offend or hurt her with my honesty, or for her to take anything the wrong way (it’s easy to do when you can’t give tone to your voice). My first temptation is to sugar coat what I think so I won’t ‘get into trouble’, but I have promised myself to be honest and real on this blog and I am trying hard to do the same in life, and knowing that she’d be reading my deepest thoughts though intimidating it is freeing as well. At least then I wouldn’t be hiding, even though so often I’d like to hide what I think from others.
I knew I had a choice to make: either ignore the possibility of opening up my world to her, or just dive in and allow her the opportunity to hear my true thoughts in a safe venue for both of us - if nothing else unlock the possibility of her understanding me a little more.
I dove … welcome to my head Pumpkin. No matter what my thoughts are – know that this blog is my place to think things through, and challenge myself as well as others.
Most of all: always know that I love you.
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