I'm back to my list. Well sort of.
I finally read and finished my first book in months. I've began reading several but completing them seems to be the challenge for me. I seem to get half way through and lose interest. Leaving me with several books scattered through out our apartment with book marks in them (ok so I never seem to use book marks, usually just receipts or subscription cards from magazines).
The last book I read was just after Christmas. I mentioned it on here and totally loved it. So much so that I felt as though I could've written it.
This was the first time I've ever experienced this feeling. I remember getting to the end and feeling so sad to say good bye to my book. It seemed a part of me. It seemed to be actually connected to me, and I didn't want to lose that connection.
I didn't think it was really possible for that to happen again. It's kind of like a kindred spirit. You can't plan on someone being that to you, and you can't really look for it, it just happens.
Well, I've been fortunate enough to find yet another kindred book spirit in my recent read from my retreat 'Eat, Pray, Love'.
I just finished it on the weekend and I had the exact feelings of sadness when I was finished. Not really about the story but about the fact that there were no more pages to read.
As I said, this is a new experience for me to have. I've never been so tied to a book, or in this case books. Note these were both memoir type books not fiction - fiction is a different ballgame altogether. I don't find it difficult at all to become addicted to the story in a fiction novel. I mean everything seems to run together and flow so well. All the characters are perfectly placed with drama popping up at the perfect times. There's usually sacrifice, heartbreak, recovery and at some point love - romantic or otherwise.
Memoirs however don't generally seem all that alluring. I mean you already know the ending to a degree. If the author is writing they obviously lived through whatever happened. You even get to skip ahead to the end where they have a blurb about them and update where they are now, who they are living with and how many cats are prowling around their newly acquired abode due to the success of the book that is in your hands.
These two books though took me somewhere real. They took me on a journey with, in one case a man, and the other a woman, who were searching for meaning in their lives.
Both made huge sacrifices in order to find what they were looking for. Both realized the spiritual aspects of living a life of meaning, yet also knew the humanity behind it too.
Though the Donald Miller book was a while back and I can't remember every detail I know that he along with Elizabeth Gilbert opened themselves up to learning. They opened themselves up to being wrong, but taking the time to figure out how to do things better. Maybe not perfectly but better.
Certainly this is what drew me to both books and resonated with me. I love adventure. I love risk. I love a good story. Yet, like anyone else I want all of these things to happen while I'm in the comfort of my own home.
Can't I have a good story and still have a regular job? Sure. Can't I create a telling tale from my 7 story apartment? Why not. Can't I experience excitement in life while doing the same thing I always have done? That's (in my opinion) a no. Sorry.
I think it's funny that we all (or at least most or many of us) want a fantastic life story. We all want to be proud of what our lives look like. This may look completely different to each person but that's a good thing. However I don't think many of us want the key ingredient: sacrifice.
We want to hang on for dear life to the things that we know: where we live, with whom we live, our friends, our jobs, our hobbies even. I'm guessing this is just our overall human response, because it is natural for all of us to do this. I know that for both writers giving things up and changing their lives wasn't easy at all.
Why do it at all then? Why not just live happily ever after in the same spot for the rest of our lives? Tell me: how would you feel if your life stayed exactly the same for the next however many years you have left?
I think as much as it is natural for us to keep comfortable, there is just as much of a desire to grow and experience life. I'm by no means saying we all need to sell our homes and travel around the world for a year to 'find ourselves' because to be honest if I did that I'd likely end up losing my mind, my luggage and most of my hair.
I guess these reads reminded me, as I am at a point when I am expected to 'settle' into a 'normal' life, that I'm never going to be done. I'm never going to be finished searching, or learning or experiencing.
I have a 75 year old grandmother that is a testament to 'it's never too late to ...', as she got her ears pierced at the age of 72, got her first boy friend in 60 years and still wants to someday ride a motorcycle.
Though it's not always easy to step out and shock people (because to be honest I think it's other people's opinions that trap us into monotony more than anything else), but sometimes it necessary.
Speaking from the point of view of someone who, if she didn't have an anchor of a husband, probably would be a floating willy nilly crazy person hopping here and there and everywhere yet not ever getting grounded in the lessons available. It isn't just the act of moving about that gives you experience, it's the act of thoughtfully living out what you are called to do and be.
I often wonder if my challenge in life is learning how to grow in a stationary position, where many people's challenge would be to grow by being stretched to move. We need to constantly be aware of what we ourselves are being asked to do and stepping out and doing it.
I think I've written about this before, I clearly need reminding.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I read a book. Front to back. I feel like I made another friend and learned another lesson.
Now ... to write my own.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sleepless dreams ...
Once again I find myself over exhausted yet awake and up in the middle of the night.
I have an array of thoughts swirling about in my mind.
A long upcoming shift with Lady who, so far, I've had good times with but as of late has been having meltdown after meltdown with different staff (no fault of her own in my opinion, nor am I blaming her staff, just a lot of change). Putting me in a nervous position for our upcoming time together, as I have only actually worked one on one with her once.
I also continue to think about a few of the accusations thrown my way as of late regarding my blog and myself. They bother me but not for reasons some may assume. Which brings me to my sleepless dreams ...
I had a discussion yesterday with someone whom I am closely tied but I don't often chat deeply with. When I do it's generally very beneficial, for both of us. But when I don't our relationship seems to hang in the balance. Doubts about me seem to arise and assumptions seem to be made. I suppose a logical thing to happen when communication breaks down.
As I chatted with this person yesterday there were several concerns that were brought up regarding Wally and I's new life. By new life I mean post school, no large financial responsibilities and general freedom as we do not have any children to care for either.
This person had expressed their thoughts on the fact that we seemed to be having no problem enjoying our new financial abundance (I have to insert that everything is relative - we don't make all that much more than we did before we went to school really but we also don't have a house to look after and we are fortunate to love our jobs which definitely all adds to our abundance). They had no problem with that really but they were a bit worried that we were forgetting what it was like to be 'poor' (I guess).
People have seen us enjoy the benefits of a trainer, something I have talked about a lot here and how it was a big deal for us to go ahead with one as we weren't raised to spend our money on such things and to be honest even now we don't have an excess of cash that makes having a trainer 'no big deal'.
We have bought a new (yet used) car. We did need a second vehicle and have always been the type of people that realized our limited abilities with cars and fixing them ourselves so have always purchased ones with little need for major repairs (at least in the first few years until they are paid for). To us this is just a protective measure.
I have spoken openly to people about the fact that, after 9 years of marriage it is nice, for probably a short period of time, to enjoy the freedom to do a little of what we want. By doing so for the first time ever we have not worried about saving up for a house (which of course is delaying things on that front quite a bit), paying a mortgage or renovating a house. All things we've spent most of our marriage doing up until this point, leaving us with no availability to do anything else with our lives previously.
I try not to speak about these things with an 'I'm better than you because I can do blah, blah, blah' pride but I could definitely see how some may feel that way. To be honest I feel as though the years of unemployment, self employment and doing seemingly menial and not always loved jobs has earned us the right to have some fun. That is, as long as we share. Which we have been doing.
The one thing I was called out on though I was not expecting. I heard the words: 'Eva, when you got married to Wally you said you'd be happy in a mud hut in Mexico doing missionary work. What happened to that dream?'
I literally laughed out loud and replied 'I married Wally!' Meaning: 'That was/is my dream, not his!' It struck me a little funny that it was me that was the concern but I had to let that go and it wasn't all that hard as ironically during my time at the gym with my new friend that very morning was spent talking about the fact that if I were a single woman who had never gotten married I would be living in a mud hut somewhere else in this world caring for orphaned children - there's no doubt in my mind.
This absolutely shocked my questioner, which kind of shocked me but I had to laugh it off as clearly we were reading two different books.
I'm not sure what happens when you are young and in love as Wally and I would both claim not to have really experienced this feeling. I was anything but a welcomed item initially in his life but as I've mentioned before over time that changed (for the most part). We were so blissfully poor when we got married I can't imagine why we ever thought it was a good idea. But I am so glad now that we did.
Our apartment was full of rag tag hand me down furniture, and to be honest much of it is now, we've just gotten so much of it through the years we've been able to match it up a bit. It's funny, I used to tease that whenever someone who knew us was getting rid of a couch they'd just call us because we'd take anything. At one point we had 6 couches in our possession, because you know, we needed six couches.
I don't exactly know why I allowed myself to compromise my hopes of going abroad and running an orphanage for the idea of marriage. Probably because at the time it seemed as though having my own family with the expected man of my dreams was much more anticipated (by everyone including myself) than running off to no man's land.
With that said I'm not so sure I did even compromise my dreams but rather, at the time, traded them in for ones that matched my mate a bit better. If you know Wally you would be aware that he's not exactly the type to get excited about sleeping on a dirt floor just to get to hold a little brown baby. And why should he, he has other dreams and good for him.
I have pressed him several times (especially lately) about moving abroad and getting an IT job somewhere I could do mission work. He has been patient and understanding and when I shared my dream of visiting Thai Thai he expressed his desire to share that with me. A big deal for a man who would prefer his own bed at night.
Marriage is about helping eachother reach your goals and dreams not only what's right for you. I am proud of the fact that I have been able to play a part in seeing Wally reach dreams he wasn't even aware of and I know that my dream of giving a home to children who need it will too be realized. It may or may not happen abroad (though Thai Thai will be a wonderful flavor to taste), but I believe it will happen. I have accepted and am excited that however these things play out they will be for a reason and in their own time.
Though yes, being in a different place in life than that of when I was barely 21 and freshly married, has it's benefits - it cannot change my deepest desires or who I really am.
I won't lie. It is something I think about, every once in a while worry about, and often have to keep in check, while living in North American culture, which has a way with suffocating thoughtfully lived out life. But I have been very fortunate to cross paths with amazing people that challenge me in this area. People that are willing to share their dreams with me and believe in mine when I share them.
My new gym friend Glow shared her excitement about Thai Thai with me (her eyes seriously lit up when she spoke of it), she also sent me a link to blog about a couple that adopted 4 or 5 African children and live there running a home for orphaned and sick babies and children, often reuniting children to their parents when they are well again. Ironically, the husband was in IT and it was a forever dream of the wife.
Hmmmmm ... you never know.
Sleepless dreams can be the best.
(Now I am going to pursue some dreamless sleep!)
I have an array of thoughts swirling about in my mind.
A long upcoming shift with Lady who, so far, I've had good times with but as of late has been having meltdown after meltdown with different staff (no fault of her own in my opinion, nor am I blaming her staff, just a lot of change). Putting me in a nervous position for our upcoming time together, as I have only actually worked one on one with her once.
I also continue to think about a few of the accusations thrown my way as of late regarding my blog and myself. They bother me but not for reasons some may assume. Which brings me to my sleepless dreams ...
I had a discussion yesterday with someone whom I am closely tied but I don't often chat deeply with. When I do it's generally very beneficial, for both of us. But when I don't our relationship seems to hang in the balance. Doubts about me seem to arise and assumptions seem to be made. I suppose a logical thing to happen when communication breaks down.
As I chatted with this person yesterday there were several concerns that were brought up regarding Wally and I's new life. By new life I mean post school, no large financial responsibilities and general freedom as we do not have any children to care for either.
This person had expressed their thoughts on the fact that we seemed to be having no problem enjoying our new financial abundance (I have to insert that everything is relative - we don't make all that much more than we did before we went to school really but we also don't have a house to look after and we are fortunate to love our jobs which definitely all adds to our abundance). They had no problem with that really but they were a bit worried that we were forgetting what it was like to be 'poor' (I guess).
People have seen us enjoy the benefits of a trainer, something I have talked about a lot here and how it was a big deal for us to go ahead with one as we weren't raised to spend our money on such things and to be honest even now we don't have an excess of cash that makes having a trainer 'no big deal'.
We have bought a new (yet used) car. We did need a second vehicle and have always been the type of people that realized our limited abilities with cars and fixing them ourselves so have always purchased ones with little need for major repairs (at least in the first few years until they are paid for). To us this is just a protective measure.
I have spoken openly to people about the fact that, after 9 years of marriage it is nice, for probably a short period of time, to enjoy the freedom to do a little of what we want. By doing so for the first time ever we have not worried about saving up for a house (which of course is delaying things on that front quite a bit), paying a mortgage or renovating a house. All things we've spent most of our marriage doing up until this point, leaving us with no availability to do anything else with our lives previously.
I try not to speak about these things with an 'I'm better than you because I can do blah, blah, blah' pride but I could definitely see how some may feel that way. To be honest I feel as though the years of unemployment, self employment and doing seemingly menial and not always loved jobs has earned us the right to have some fun. That is, as long as we share. Which we have been doing.
The one thing I was called out on though I was not expecting. I heard the words: 'Eva, when you got married to Wally you said you'd be happy in a mud hut in Mexico doing missionary work. What happened to that dream?'
I literally laughed out loud and replied 'I married Wally!' Meaning: 'That was/is my dream, not his!' It struck me a little funny that it was me that was the concern but I had to let that go and it wasn't all that hard as ironically during my time at the gym with my new friend that very morning was spent talking about the fact that if I were a single woman who had never gotten married I would be living in a mud hut somewhere else in this world caring for orphaned children - there's no doubt in my mind.
This absolutely shocked my questioner, which kind of shocked me but I had to laugh it off as clearly we were reading two different books.
I'm not sure what happens when you are young and in love as Wally and I would both claim not to have really experienced this feeling. I was anything but a welcomed item initially in his life but as I've mentioned before over time that changed (for the most part). We were so blissfully poor when we got married I can't imagine why we ever thought it was a good idea. But I am so glad now that we did.
Our apartment was full of rag tag hand me down furniture, and to be honest much of it is now, we've just gotten so much of it through the years we've been able to match it up a bit. It's funny, I used to tease that whenever someone who knew us was getting rid of a couch they'd just call us because we'd take anything. At one point we had 6 couches in our possession, because you know, we needed six couches.
I don't exactly know why I allowed myself to compromise my hopes of going abroad and running an orphanage for the idea of marriage. Probably because at the time it seemed as though having my own family with the expected man of my dreams was much more anticipated (by everyone including myself) than running off to no man's land.
With that said I'm not so sure I did even compromise my dreams but rather, at the time, traded them in for ones that matched my mate a bit better. If you know Wally you would be aware that he's not exactly the type to get excited about sleeping on a dirt floor just to get to hold a little brown baby. And why should he, he has other dreams and good for him.
I have pressed him several times (especially lately) about moving abroad and getting an IT job somewhere I could do mission work. He has been patient and understanding and when I shared my dream of visiting Thai Thai he expressed his desire to share that with me. A big deal for a man who would prefer his own bed at night.
Marriage is about helping eachother reach your goals and dreams not only what's right for you. I am proud of the fact that I have been able to play a part in seeing Wally reach dreams he wasn't even aware of and I know that my dream of giving a home to children who need it will too be realized. It may or may not happen abroad (though Thai Thai will be a wonderful flavor to taste), but I believe it will happen. I have accepted and am excited that however these things play out they will be for a reason and in their own time.
Though yes, being in a different place in life than that of when I was barely 21 and freshly married, has it's benefits - it cannot change my deepest desires or who I really am.
I won't lie. It is something I think about, every once in a while worry about, and often have to keep in check, while living in North American culture, which has a way with suffocating thoughtfully lived out life. But I have been very fortunate to cross paths with amazing people that challenge me in this area. People that are willing to share their dreams with me and believe in mine when I share them.
My new gym friend Glow shared her excitement about Thai Thai with me (her eyes seriously lit up when she spoke of it), she also sent me a link to blog about a couple that adopted 4 or 5 African children and live there running a home for orphaned and sick babies and children, often reuniting children to their parents when they are well again. Ironically, the husband was in IT and it was a forever dream of the wife.
Hmmmmm ... you never know.
Sleepless dreams can be the best.
(Now I am going to pursue some dreamless sleep!)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Finding the joy
Well, I'm finally back. Not that that is earth shattering news, I'm just sayin'.
*Sigh*
I feel like there are a hundred and one things I could blog about today but to be honest there's only one thing on my mind and I am trying hard to fight off the urge to write about it but I'm not winning.
Someone hates me.
For some reason I thought I may be immune to being hated. I'm not sure why I think I'm so great that I couldn't possibly be hated but I have quickly realized I am most definitely not so great.
People generally respond with 'oh they don't hate you, don't be silly', however I am fairly certain I get the honour of being someone's hated.
When I first realized this I immediately did my best to apologize for my wrong doing (as I honestly saw my wrong doing - it did occur). It was unfortunately not exactly met with gushing 'oh I forgive you, I love you, let's dance in a field of daisies!' as I hoped. Instead the hating was only confirmed (along with a few others things).
Anyhow, I proceeded to cry my eyes out. And as I write this wonder how many times I myself have hurt someone to the point of them sobbing themselves to sleep. I am not so arrogant to think this is impossible as I am as human as the next and have my admittedly evil moments (unfortunately). It's now I send up a prayer of contrition hoping that I am forgiven for these past deeds and plead for help never to do it again. However I also know I have a lot of life to go and it may not be possible. I will do my best.
Sleep was lost, my heart confused and obviously hurt - yet not angry. I awoke to the day with a somber feeling. What to do? What to do?
I had no intention of wasting my day getting angry or feeling heart broken over something I can't really fix, other than what I do onward from my apology.
I can't fix how I am perceived. I can't fix if people don't like me (they have every right not to). And I can't fix their response.
The only thing I can fix is me, my attitude and how I move on.
As I contemplated yet again closing down my blog as it is seen as a self absorbed thing to do (obviously it is, I am writing solely about my life - how much more self absorbed can you get, other than expecting people to read it?).
I think of the fact that I pretty much purposefully stand in front of people naked, practically asking them to judge me in every way possible. Pouring out my biggest insecurities, sharing my deepest secrets, and thinking that I have a shred of thought worth absorbing.
Why do I write? Why do I ask people to see me in these ways? Why not quit?
#1 - I write because I get things out of my head, in turn I learn a great deal how to do better when I screw up (which is often), I get feed back from people that helps me realize my mistakes and am shown how to look at so many things from different perspectives. I connect with not only myself but have made much deeper relationships from unexpected people, people I never would have met this way if I didn't have a blog.
To sum it up: I'm selfish.
#2 - I have invited many to read, and I've been asked by many to read. I have given out my address carefully and thoughtfully putting a large amount of trust in those who peer in. My greatest desire is for people to see my humanity and to feel in some way connected to that. Often we feel alone in our feelings, we feel guilty about them and think we are terrible people. Instead I want to be honest about my faults (or maybe even my good points) and celebrate the fact that together we can learn and do better, and accept each other. If I died tomorrow I'd want people to know the real me, that in person takes a long time to get to. I guess this outlet is a bit of a short cut to my heart. No promises you'll love it, but the maps there if you want it.
To sum it up: I'm selfish
#3 - Now this number is a challenge I'm sure I'll wrestle with again and again. I'm going to continue to write for the above reasons and because I've been asked to keep writing by people, which makes me believe (and hope) I write for others too.
Ultimately though: I'm selfish.
Once I figured these things out I let go a little bit and went upon my day.
So, I met a new friend from work (that I connected with through my blog - kind of funny) at the gym to do some cardio.
We had never had much of a real conversation so I was excited to get to know her better. We hopped onto a couple of machines and chatted away for the whole hour. We shared a bit about our lives here and there and then she told me of her trip to Thai Thai a while back when I mentioned going next year. She was full of excitement when sharing and told me stories that sparked my joy.
By the time we were done our hour I was inspired to concentrate on the opposite I was feeling. Love.
I decided that the rest of the day would be dedicated to spreading the love. So I did (or at least I tried).
I sent off a few e-mails saying 'Hey, just wanted you to know I love you!' to people who will likely fall off of their chairs when they read it. Then I went to Wal-Mart and got some of Vivvie's pictures developed. I decided to get creative and make a photo collage for her with the highlights from the trip (it turned out great by the way!!). While I waited the hour for the photos I treated myself to a small chocolate milk, and my newly formed play list as I began to write some love notes.
I think I wrote maybe eight or nine. Some had a specific purpose, some were just to say 'You're great!'. By the end I was feeling ... joy.
Though I did not get through my 'to do' list for the day I did get something important accomplished.
I kicked out the hate and I welcomed in the love.
Does this make me perfect?
Clearly not.
Does this help me cope?
Absolutely.
And sometimes that's all you need.
Finding the joy in today! (Hmmmmm ... sounds familiar eh?)
It really is simple.
*Sigh*
I feel like there are a hundred and one things I could blog about today but to be honest there's only one thing on my mind and I am trying hard to fight off the urge to write about it but I'm not winning.
Someone hates me.
For some reason I thought I may be immune to being hated. I'm not sure why I think I'm so great that I couldn't possibly be hated but I have quickly realized I am most definitely not so great.
People generally respond with 'oh they don't hate you, don't be silly', however I am fairly certain I get the honour of being someone's hated.
When I first realized this I immediately did my best to apologize for my wrong doing (as I honestly saw my wrong doing - it did occur). It was unfortunately not exactly met with gushing 'oh I forgive you, I love you, let's dance in a field of daisies!' as I hoped. Instead the hating was only confirmed (along with a few others things).
Anyhow, I proceeded to cry my eyes out. And as I write this wonder how many times I myself have hurt someone to the point of them sobbing themselves to sleep. I am not so arrogant to think this is impossible as I am as human as the next and have my admittedly evil moments (unfortunately). It's now I send up a prayer of contrition hoping that I am forgiven for these past deeds and plead for help never to do it again. However I also know I have a lot of life to go and it may not be possible. I will do my best.
Sleep was lost, my heart confused and obviously hurt - yet not angry. I awoke to the day with a somber feeling. What to do? What to do?
I had no intention of wasting my day getting angry or feeling heart broken over something I can't really fix, other than what I do onward from my apology.
I can't fix how I am perceived. I can't fix if people don't like me (they have every right not to). And I can't fix their response.
The only thing I can fix is me, my attitude and how I move on.
As I contemplated yet again closing down my blog as it is seen as a self absorbed thing to do (obviously it is, I am writing solely about my life - how much more self absorbed can you get, other than expecting people to read it?).
I think of the fact that I pretty much purposefully stand in front of people naked, practically asking them to judge me in every way possible. Pouring out my biggest insecurities, sharing my deepest secrets, and thinking that I have a shred of thought worth absorbing.
Why do I write? Why do I ask people to see me in these ways? Why not quit?
#1 - I write because I get things out of my head, in turn I learn a great deal how to do better when I screw up (which is often), I get feed back from people that helps me realize my mistakes and am shown how to look at so many things from different perspectives. I connect with not only myself but have made much deeper relationships from unexpected people, people I never would have met this way if I didn't have a blog.
To sum it up: I'm selfish.
#2 - I have invited many to read, and I've been asked by many to read. I have given out my address carefully and thoughtfully putting a large amount of trust in those who peer in. My greatest desire is for people to see my humanity and to feel in some way connected to that. Often we feel alone in our feelings, we feel guilty about them and think we are terrible people. Instead I want to be honest about my faults (or maybe even my good points) and celebrate the fact that together we can learn and do better, and accept each other. If I died tomorrow I'd want people to know the real me, that in person takes a long time to get to. I guess this outlet is a bit of a short cut to my heart. No promises you'll love it, but the maps there if you want it.
To sum it up: I'm selfish
#3 - Now this number is a challenge I'm sure I'll wrestle with again and again. I'm going to continue to write for the above reasons and because I've been asked to keep writing by people, which makes me believe (and hope) I write for others too.
Ultimately though: I'm selfish.
Once I figured these things out I let go a little bit and went upon my day.
So, I met a new friend from work (that I connected with through my blog - kind of funny) at the gym to do some cardio.
We had never had much of a real conversation so I was excited to get to know her better. We hopped onto a couple of machines and chatted away for the whole hour. We shared a bit about our lives here and there and then she told me of her trip to Thai Thai a while back when I mentioned going next year. She was full of excitement when sharing and told me stories that sparked my joy.
By the time we were done our hour I was inspired to concentrate on the opposite I was feeling. Love.
I decided that the rest of the day would be dedicated to spreading the love. So I did (or at least I tried).
I sent off a few e-mails saying 'Hey, just wanted you to know I love you!' to people who will likely fall off of their chairs when they read it. Then I went to Wal-Mart and got some of Vivvie's pictures developed. I decided to get creative and make a photo collage for her with the highlights from the trip (it turned out great by the way!!). While I waited the hour for the photos I treated myself to a small chocolate milk, and my newly formed play list as I began to write some love notes.
I think I wrote maybe eight or nine. Some had a specific purpose, some were just to say 'You're great!'. By the end I was feeling ... joy.
Though I did not get through my 'to do' list for the day I did get something important accomplished.
I kicked out the hate and I welcomed in the love.
Does this make me perfect?
Clearly not.
Does this help me cope?
Absolutely.
And sometimes that's all you need.
Finding the joy in today! (Hmmmmm ... sounds familiar eh?)
It really is simple.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Vivvie's Reunion
I'm trying so hard, the morning after our great adventure, to avoid sitting in this chair to write this story. I determined early that I would do the dishes, ironing, and some relaxing reading before even trying to articulate the experience I got to share over the past two days.
I want it to be perfect.
I want it to be right.
I want it to convey the emotion and complexity mixed with simplicity that it is.
But I know that I will wait forever for these things to all happen and I can only do my best and hope that it will succeed in taking you, in some way, to where I was. And feeling, in some way, what I felt.
Here it goes...
Last Friday I was out with a couple of co-worker-friends for lunch. I had most of the day off and was excited to be able to share a couple of hours with people I am enjoying getting to know better.
During the visit we chatted about our lives, a little about our dreams and probably too much about work. Not really about work in a bad way, just in a way that is inevitable when you have lunch with co-workers. Mostly I got to hear fun stories of past experiences with people I now know and support. It was really nice.
At one point in the conversation my co-worker Chi Chi was sharing how Vivvie (whom I've shared about before and spoken of how she has captured my heart in her own sassy way). Chi Chi said that Vivvie had mentioned to her very recently that after not seeing her twin brother Vaughn for over 20 years she thought she might be ready to see him once again.
This was a very big step as she had done her best to keep separated from him because of his drug addiction and alcoholism throughout the years, along with all of the baggage those activities carry.
I believe much of the preparation to get to this point of readiness lies in the fact that Vivvie, only a few weeks ago, was reunited with many of her other family member after years of being disconnected.
The reasons? Well Vivvie has 4 siblings and they grew up with parents that sounded less than nurturing. Their mother struggled with a drinking problem and I'm not certain that their father was the picture of perfection either. A few of the kids fell into this which, as we all know, can lead to other ill behaviours that in turn lead to sneakiness, lying and well ... back stabbing.
I've mentioned before that Vivvie was hit by a drunk driver when she was five years old (a story I will tell more of as we go). Leaving the one side of her body rather useless to her and the other doing it's best to figure itself around. Vivvie can't speak words but has her very own system of communication that can seem to take forever to master. Vivvie is, in all ways, one feisty lady. My guess is that she had to be to make it through this thing we call life.
Through the years she became removed from most of her family as she was being cared for by one of her sisters who did not seem to get along with the rest of the group. This sister cared for her for a time but in the end left Vivvie. In her life Vivvie has lived on the streets (which I can't even understand as she is dependent on her wheelchair - I guess I don't think 'outside of the box' very well), in nursing homes, scary apartments and currently is living on her own with the help of support care on a daily basis for her basic living needs.
When I met Vivvie last September she had no contact that I know of to any family at all. She shared lots with me about them but wasn't too sure if seeing them would be good or bad.
Now I have to tell you about Chi Chi. She is my co worker who has been supporting Vivvie for several years, and through reading this you have to keep in mind she is 27 years old (important to note as she is oozing characterat this young age). Vivvie wasn't exactly a sweetheart when they met. Chi Chi has shared that she's been kicked out of Vivvie's place, called the devil (apparently lots of her staff have), and just not always been loved to death.
Through all of this Chi Chi stuck it out long enough to see Vivvie through some rough times and better times.
It was a day several months ago that Chi Chi was helping Vivie go through some old addresses and found one that peaked her interested. She asked Vivvie who this person was and she was told it was her sister Val. Chi Chi suggested writing a letter to Val and just seeing what the situation might be.
At this point I'm not sure what went about. I'm guessing they received another letter back and I know Chi Chi began corresponding with Vivvie's grown niece (Val's daughter) and very quickly a relationship was formed. Christmas cards were mailed and pictures were e-mailed back and forth through Chi Chi and Vivvie soon had the beginnings of a family again.
A trip was planned for Chi Chi to take Vivvie to finally see her lost family again. Apparently there were many tears and much joy shared that day a few weeks ago. Val had not contacted Vivvie due to the fact that sister Vicky had sort of cut all family ties and she had Vivvie (which remember can't pick up the phone to chat, nor can she read). Val and the family took some comfort in knowing that at least Vivvie was ok because she was with a sister that apparently had always liked taking care of her.
When Val learned, upon correspondence, that Vicky had left Vivvie and that she no longer had ANY family near her she was heart broken. She cried and cried over the injustice.
Now, getting back to Friday's lunch ...
Chi Chi had said that just days after Vivvie shared her desire to see her long lost brother they got news that Vaughn had serious heart issues and wasn't expected to live long at all.
As soon as Chi Chi found out she bolted into action asking for approval to take Vivvie up to see him early the following week. From what I have learned it is this kind of thing our agency lives (or used to live) to carry out. These are the types of circumstances 'run of the mill' agencies neglect because of whatever reason, maybe money, maybe staffing, maybe time. When Chi Chi shared the situation she was not at all prepared for hearing the following words.
'I can only approve for you alone to go, and for one day only.'
I forgot to mention that Vaughn lives 7 hours away. With Vivvie requiring two people to lift her to change her and give a break from her wheelchair due to her back, not to mention the asthma treatment she requires three times a day, this seemed like an absolutely ridiculous notion. Oh and Chi Chi would have to drive straight there and back with no sleep, by herself, on the highway in a sketchy wheel chair van.
How much sense does that make to you?
Now that you know the situation though and what a dedicated worker Chi Chi is, you can only guess that during lunch she also shared that she had every intention to do this trip on her own. She had no reservations.
Interestingly the rest of our table did. We immediately told her she was nuts to consider doing this alone but that this still had to happen. Come one people - Vaughn was dying!!! And Vivvie was finally ready to see him!!!
We continued to chat and I told Chi chi that I had Monday off so that day I was free. I had an overnight to get covered and then realized the shifts on Tuesday were movable or easy to 'figure out'. In that moment we realized that we might be able to make it happen!! (Without Chi Chi dying of complete exhaustion or getting in an accident).
The place Chi Chi was told to call to get assistance helping Vivvie while visiting Vaughn confirmed that they could not do anything to help without several days notice (and we did not have several days), so Chi Chi took this as another prodding for us to take matters into our own hands.
I did e-mailing, Chi Chi did calling and though we had many moments of 'Eek! This may not happen!', through a string of little miracles it all got ironed out.
When did we know for sure we were going to make the trip on Monday? Sunday evening around 7pm. A huge sigh of relief and excitement was made and we agreed to meet the next morning at 7:30am.
I have to admit the night before I barely slept at all. I was up twice to write blog posts and my veins were filled with anticipation. I'll be honest it wasn't all to do with Vivvie either. You see Chi Chi never got approval for a second staff, nor did she get approval for herself to go a second day. We could get in trouble for this. I suppose we could have potentially gotten fired. But at this point we didn't care. We thought really, Chi Chi had exhausted all other possibilities and this was the best we could do. Vivvie would pay for gas and our hotel room, we'd pay for our own food and if worse came to worse we'd split the one day they would pay for and she'd take vacation and I banked hours for the rest. So really we should just get a stern talking to. It would be worth it.
It was Monday morning and we pile into the van and go to pick up Vivvie.
I have to mention that it looked like town meeting when we arrived at her apartment. There were 3 or 4 support staff already in her living room saying their good byes, having already packed her overnight bags for us, her nebulizer (sp?) for her treatments, they even remembered her lunch! (None of these things are in their job descriptions but that tells you the pull Vivvie has on people's heart strings). While waiting they had received a call form the office. Chi Chi and I looked at each other in terror. Chi Chi made the call and had a big sigh of relief - nothing to do with our trip.
I watched as the one staff bent over to say goodbye to Vivvie and Vivvie was in tears holding her worker. They embraced for a couple of minutes and words of comfort were shared about the grandness of this day. Everyone there knew exactly what meaning would be held in this day.
We scrambled into the van and got situated, filled up the tank and were on the highway by 10 -o-clock. On the way up we only stopped once to get more gas and for Vivvie to do her treatment.
We (actually Chi Chi) had driven through pouring rain, when it wasn't sprinkling it was overcast. We got to a sketchy gas station with no sign and found a plug outside for Vivvie to do her treatment under a threatening sky. While we relieved ourselves on a toilet I was sure I would catch a disease on. (Chi Chi figured one of those diseases form the 1800's that were supposed to have been rid of).
We were back on the road and by 4:30pm had found the town we were looking for. We drove past it then remembered Vivvie's desire to share a birthday cake with the numbers 5-6 on it as her and Vaughn's birthday was coming up in another month and they hadn't shared their birthday together in years and years. So we turned around and looked high and low for a cake. Small town bakeries and grocery stores need to step it up because we had to settle for an apple pie and no candles. Oh well, we had something!
We headed next for the home some of Vivvie's family as that's where we thought the action was going to take place but soon learned that Vaughn was in the hospital which indeed would be a much better meeting place.
We followed Vivvie's family there and were met by Val and her husband, their grown daughter, Vivvie's cousin and her husband and their two teen grandchildren. It was a shower of hugs and tears of joy already!
They told us that Vaughn didn't know about Vivvie coming and that it was a surprise. At which point Chi Chi and I looked at each other and wondered if that was the best surprise to be giving a person dying of serious heart issues. Oh well, I guess we'd see what would happen.
We waited with much anticipation and within ten minutes a wheelchair came down the hall. It was Vaughn.
This decades long drug user and former alcoholic was anything but hardened today as he laid his eyes on his twin sister. A person that shared his exact hair colour, eyes, facial features and spunk for life. The years of heart ache and hurt, the memories of separation and disappointment, were instantly melted away with one look.
He broke like a crystal vase hitting a ceramic floor, and willingly let the pieces fall. He got out of his chair and held Vivvie with his head nestled into her neck. She held him with the only free hand she had and they cried.
Chi Chi said that if a year ago you would have told her this would happen she'd never have believed it because Vivvie had no desire to see her brother, but today, after some tilling of her heart field over the past year she was more than prepared to let go of the past and had room to grow forgiveness and love.
We spent the next two hours at the hospital taking many family photos capturing many shared looks, hand holding and even more hugs. Right before my eyes I saw a family melded together once again. Vivvie and Vaughn shared their birthday apple pie with her cousin holding a light cigarette lighter for them to blow out while Happy Birthday was sung (I think it was sung). We captured the memory of Vaughn and Vivvie cutting the pie together and eating it as well.
There really aren't words to properly convey what happened. I myself know little of Vivvie's history and the hardships she went through. However Vaughn shared during our quick morning good bye visit the story of Vivvie's accident and I was reminded of Vivvie's incredible strength as a person.
He said they were five years old and in a locked fenced in yard. They were playing and both decided they wanted to cross the street and go to the park. Apparently Vivvie being the stronger one hoisted Vaughn up to unhook the latch to the fence and he looked both ways and ran across the street. Out of what seemed like no where a large Cadillac appeared driving across the curb at a fast pace. Vaughn had assumed Vivvie had seen the car coming and gone back to the house. After wards he went back home and looked all over the house for her. In all the little cubbies and closets, in all of the hiding places they loved to play in. He could not find Vivvie. Not long after a police man came to the door with a familiar blue dress in his hands.
Vivvie was not in it.
She had been dragged under the car of an impaired driver for over a block until an on looker told the neighbour he had something under his car. The something was Vivvie.
Vivvie was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital but they got her breathing again. She fell into a coma and remained in one for 16 months.
That is as far as Vaughn went as we know where Vivvie is today. His story only confirmed her strength.
I can't explain how difficult it was the following morning to go back to the hospital and see Vivvie say her good bye's to Vaughn. Vaughn spoke with determination and fight that he would indeed be down to see her when he was allowed to. Things were left with a convincing hopefulness that this would indeed happen.
After the past two days who am I to say anything different. Miracles happen. This one did.
Vaughn's prognosis: he is currently only able to use 30% of his heart. He's waiting for his specialist appointment and will likely be put on a heart transplant list.
That is if he can live long enough for this to happen.
Vaughn's waiting for a heart transplant. Vivvie and her family are hoping upon hopes that he gets one.
I believe he has already had one.
In the mean time I sit overwhelmingly thankful to have witnessed the miracle at hand, one I don't feel at all worthy to have taken part in.
But I did. Because it was a story I couldn't resist. Find a story you can't resist. And get a good part. It may not be the main part but it can still be a good part. No auditions are necessary. Thank goodness!
I want it to be perfect.
I want it to be right.
I want it to convey the emotion and complexity mixed with simplicity that it is.
But I know that I will wait forever for these things to all happen and I can only do my best and hope that it will succeed in taking you, in some way, to where I was. And feeling, in some way, what I felt.
Here it goes...
Last Friday I was out with a couple of co-worker-friends for lunch. I had most of the day off and was excited to be able to share a couple of hours with people I am enjoying getting to know better.
During the visit we chatted about our lives, a little about our dreams and probably too much about work. Not really about work in a bad way, just in a way that is inevitable when you have lunch with co-workers. Mostly I got to hear fun stories of past experiences with people I now know and support. It was really nice.
At one point in the conversation my co-worker Chi Chi was sharing how Vivvie (whom I've shared about before and spoken of how she has captured my heart in her own sassy way). Chi Chi said that Vivvie had mentioned to her very recently that after not seeing her twin brother Vaughn for over 20 years she thought she might be ready to see him once again.
This was a very big step as she had done her best to keep separated from him because of his drug addiction and alcoholism throughout the years, along with all of the baggage those activities carry.
I believe much of the preparation to get to this point of readiness lies in the fact that Vivvie, only a few weeks ago, was reunited with many of her other family member after years of being disconnected.
The reasons? Well Vivvie has 4 siblings and they grew up with parents that sounded less than nurturing. Their mother struggled with a drinking problem and I'm not certain that their father was the picture of perfection either. A few of the kids fell into this which, as we all know, can lead to other ill behaviours that in turn lead to sneakiness, lying and well ... back stabbing.
I've mentioned before that Vivvie was hit by a drunk driver when she was five years old (a story I will tell more of as we go). Leaving the one side of her body rather useless to her and the other doing it's best to figure itself around. Vivvie can't speak words but has her very own system of communication that can seem to take forever to master. Vivvie is, in all ways, one feisty lady. My guess is that she had to be to make it through this thing we call life.
Through the years she became removed from most of her family as she was being cared for by one of her sisters who did not seem to get along with the rest of the group. This sister cared for her for a time but in the end left Vivvie. In her life Vivvie has lived on the streets (which I can't even understand as she is dependent on her wheelchair - I guess I don't think 'outside of the box' very well), in nursing homes, scary apartments and currently is living on her own with the help of support care on a daily basis for her basic living needs.
When I met Vivvie last September she had no contact that I know of to any family at all. She shared lots with me about them but wasn't too sure if seeing them would be good or bad.
Now I have to tell you about Chi Chi. She is my co worker who has been supporting Vivvie for several years, and through reading this you have to keep in mind she is 27 years old (important to note as she is oozing characterat this young age). Vivvie wasn't exactly a sweetheart when they met. Chi Chi has shared that she's been kicked out of Vivvie's place, called the devil (apparently lots of her staff have), and just not always been loved to death.
Through all of this Chi Chi stuck it out long enough to see Vivvie through some rough times and better times.
It was a day several months ago that Chi Chi was helping Vivie go through some old addresses and found one that peaked her interested. She asked Vivvie who this person was and she was told it was her sister Val. Chi Chi suggested writing a letter to Val and just seeing what the situation might be.
At this point I'm not sure what went about. I'm guessing they received another letter back and I know Chi Chi began corresponding with Vivvie's grown niece (Val's daughter) and very quickly a relationship was formed. Christmas cards were mailed and pictures were e-mailed back and forth through Chi Chi and Vivvie soon had the beginnings of a family again.
A trip was planned for Chi Chi to take Vivvie to finally see her lost family again. Apparently there were many tears and much joy shared that day a few weeks ago. Val had not contacted Vivvie due to the fact that sister Vicky had sort of cut all family ties and she had Vivvie (which remember can't pick up the phone to chat, nor can she read). Val and the family took some comfort in knowing that at least Vivvie was ok because she was with a sister that apparently had always liked taking care of her.
When Val learned, upon correspondence, that Vicky had left Vivvie and that she no longer had ANY family near her she was heart broken. She cried and cried over the injustice.
Now, getting back to Friday's lunch ...
Chi Chi had said that just days after Vivvie shared her desire to see her long lost brother they got news that Vaughn had serious heart issues and wasn't expected to live long at all.
As soon as Chi Chi found out she bolted into action asking for approval to take Vivvie up to see him early the following week. From what I have learned it is this kind of thing our agency lives (or used to live) to carry out. These are the types of circumstances 'run of the mill' agencies neglect because of whatever reason, maybe money, maybe staffing, maybe time. When Chi Chi shared the situation she was not at all prepared for hearing the following words.
'I can only approve for you alone to go, and for one day only.'
I forgot to mention that Vaughn lives 7 hours away. With Vivvie requiring two people to lift her to change her and give a break from her wheelchair due to her back, not to mention the asthma treatment she requires three times a day, this seemed like an absolutely ridiculous notion. Oh and Chi Chi would have to drive straight there and back with no sleep, by herself, on the highway in a sketchy wheel chair van.
How much sense does that make to you?
Now that you know the situation though and what a dedicated worker Chi Chi is, you can only guess that during lunch she also shared that she had every intention to do this trip on her own. She had no reservations.
Interestingly the rest of our table did. We immediately told her she was nuts to consider doing this alone but that this still had to happen. Come one people - Vaughn was dying!!! And Vivvie was finally ready to see him!!!
We continued to chat and I told Chi chi that I had Monday off so that day I was free. I had an overnight to get covered and then realized the shifts on Tuesday were movable or easy to 'figure out'. In that moment we realized that we might be able to make it happen!! (Without Chi Chi dying of complete exhaustion or getting in an accident).
The place Chi Chi was told to call to get assistance helping Vivvie while visiting Vaughn confirmed that they could not do anything to help without several days notice (and we did not have several days), so Chi Chi took this as another prodding for us to take matters into our own hands.
I did e-mailing, Chi Chi did calling and though we had many moments of 'Eek! This may not happen!', through a string of little miracles it all got ironed out.
When did we know for sure we were going to make the trip on Monday? Sunday evening around 7pm. A huge sigh of relief and excitement was made and we agreed to meet the next morning at 7:30am.
I have to admit the night before I barely slept at all. I was up twice to write blog posts and my veins were filled with anticipation. I'll be honest it wasn't all to do with Vivvie either. You see Chi Chi never got approval for a second staff, nor did she get approval for herself to go a second day. We could get in trouble for this. I suppose we could have potentially gotten fired. But at this point we didn't care. We thought really, Chi Chi had exhausted all other possibilities and this was the best we could do. Vivvie would pay for gas and our hotel room, we'd pay for our own food and if worse came to worse we'd split the one day they would pay for and she'd take vacation and I banked hours for the rest. So really we should just get a stern talking to. It would be worth it.
It was Monday morning and we pile into the van and go to pick up Vivvie.
I have to mention that it looked like town meeting when we arrived at her apartment. There were 3 or 4 support staff already in her living room saying their good byes, having already packed her overnight bags for us, her nebulizer (sp?) for her treatments, they even remembered her lunch! (None of these things are in their job descriptions but that tells you the pull Vivvie has on people's heart strings). While waiting they had received a call form the office. Chi Chi and I looked at each other in terror. Chi Chi made the call and had a big sigh of relief - nothing to do with our trip.
I watched as the one staff bent over to say goodbye to Vivvie and Vivvie was in tears holding her worker. They embraced for a couple of minutes and words of comfort were shared about the grandness of this day. Everyone there knew exactly what meaning would be held in this day.
We scrambled into the van and got situated, filled up the tank and were on the highway by 10 -o-clock. On the way up we only stopped once to get more gas and for Vivvie to do her treatment.
We (actually Chi Chi) had driven through pouring rain, when it wasn't sprinkling it was overcast. We got to a sketchy gas station with no sign and found a plug outside for Vivvie to do her treatment under a threatening sky. While we relieved ourselves on a toilet I was sure I would catch a disease on. (Chi Chi figured one of those diseases form the 1800's that were supposed to have been rid of).
We were back on the road and by 4:30pm had found the town we were looking for. We drove past it then remembered Vivvie's desire to share a birthday cake with the numbers 5-6 on it as her and Vaughn's birthday was coming up in another month and they hadn't shared their birthday together in years and years. So we turned around and looked high and low for a cake. Small town bakeries and grocery stores need to step it up because we had to settle for an apple pie and no candles. Oh well, we had something!
We headed next for the home some of Vivvie's family as that's where we thought the action was going to take place but soon learned that Vaughn was in the hospital which indeed would be a much better meeting place.
We followed Vivvie's family there and were met by Val and her husband, their grown daughter, Vivvie's cousin and her husband and their two teen grandchildren. It was a shower of hugs and tears of joy already!
They told us that Vaughn didn't know about Vivvie coming and that it was a surprise. At which point Chi Chi and I looked at each other and wondered if that was the best surprise to be giving a person dying of serious heart issues. Oh well, I guess we'd see what would happen.
We waited with much anticipation and within ten minutes a wheelchair came down the hall. It was Vaughn.
This decades long drug user and former alcoholic was anything but hardened today as he laid his eyes on his twin sister. A person that shared his exact hair colour, eyes, facial features and spunk for life. The years of heart ache and hurt, the memories of separation and disappointment, were instantly melted away with one look.
He broke like a crystal vase hitting a ceramic floor, and willingly let the pieces fall. He got out of his chair and held Vivvie with his head nestled into her neck. She held him with the only free hand she had and they cried.
Chi Chi said that if a year ago you would have told her this would happen she'd never have believed it because Vivvie had no desire to see her brother, but today, after some tilling of her heart field over the past year she was more than prepared to let go of the past and had room to grow forgiveness and love.
We spent the next two hours at the hospital taking many family photos capturing many shared looks, hand holding and even more hugs. Right before my eyes I saw a family melded together once again. Vivvie and Vaughn shared their birthday apple pie with her cousin holding a light cigarette lighter for them to blow out while Happy Birthday was sung (I think it was sung). We captured the memory of Vaughn and Vivvie cutting the pie together and eating it as well.
There really aren't words to properly convey what happened. I myself know little of Vivvie's history and the hardships she went through. However Vaughn shared during our quick morning good bye visit the story of Vivvie's accident and I was reminded of Vivvie's incredible strength as a person.
He said they were five years old and in a locked fenced in yard. They were playing and both decided they wanted to cross the street and go to the park. Apparently Vivvie being the stronger one hoisted Vaughn up to unhook the latch to the fence and he looked both ways and ran across the street. Out of what seemed like no where a large Cadillac appeared driving across the curb at a fast pace. Vaughn had assumed Vivvie had seen the car coming and gone back to the house. After wards he went back home and looked all over the house for her. In all the little cubbies and closets, in all of the hiding places they loved to play in. He could not find Vivvie. Not long after a police man came to the door with a familiar blue dress in his hands.
Vivvie was not in it.
She had been dragged under the car of an impaired driver for over a block until an on looker told the neighbour he had something under his car. The something was Vivvie.
Vivvie was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital but they got her breathing again. She fell into a coma and remained in one for 16 months.
That is as far as Vaughn went as we know where Vivvie is today. His story only confirmed her strength.
I can't explain how difficult it was the following morning to go back to the hospital and see Vivvie say her good bye's to Vaughn. Vaughn spoke with determination and fight that he would indeed be down to see her when he was allowed to. Things were left with a convincing hopefulness that this would indeed happen.
After the past two days who am I to say anything different. Miracles happen. This one did.
Vaughn's prognosis: he is currently only able to use 30% of his heart. He's waiting for his specialist appointment and will likely be put on a heart transplant list.
That is if he can live long enough for this to happen.
Vaughn's waiting for a heart transplant. Vivvie and her family are hoping upon hopes that he gets one.
I believe he has already had one.
In the mean time I sit overwhelmingly thankful to have witnessed the miracle at hand, one I don't feel at all worthy to have taken part in.
But I did. Because it was a story I couldn't resist. Find a story you can't resist. And get a good part. It may not be the main part but it can still be a good part. No auditions are necessary. Thank goodness!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
What I've learned ...
In the past 36 hours is:
* adrenaline is an amazing thing
* risks are totally worth taking
* love is stronger than past hurts
* people are more important than pay
* old wheelchair vans on the highway make me nervous
* don't under estimate the power of an hour
* so many emotions can be found in tears
* the spirit behind my job is of much more importance to me than my actual job, therefore I can do it getting paid or not getting paid
* there is something special about the family bond - like it or not
* knowing death is near changes even the toughest heart
* you can eat healthy during a road trip
* Vivvie is the cutest sleeping person I've ever seen in my life
* trying to interpret someone who doesn't have a formal language after 36 hours of being in and out of hours of driving and visits requires more focus and patience
* budgets don't make miracles happen
* people need to stop long enough to hear a good story because when they do they will want to be a part of it
* I have an Amazing co worker who went above and beyond her job description (and does everyday). I can only hope to be half the worker she is someday
* joy still exists
* I know the cure for the Sads
* I need to slow down in a grander sense than cutting out a few hours of work a week
* I am a truly privileged person
I learned all of these things because of a little adventure I went on in the past two days. I really hope to write about it soon but it was so overwhelming I want to absorb it first and write it well.
I am exhausted but full of joy in this moment for what I was able to witness. It was indeed an honour.
* adrenaline is an amazing thing
* risks are totally worth taking
* love is stronger than past hurts
* people are more important than pay
* old wheelchair vans on the highway make me nervous
* don't under estimate the power of an hour
* so many emotions can be found in tears
* the spirit behind my job is of much more importance to me than my actual job, therefore I can do it getting paid or not getting paid
* there is something special about the family bond - like it or not
* knowing death is near changes even the toughest heart
* you can eat healthy during a road trip
* Vivvie is the cutest sleeping person I've ever seen in my life
* trying to interpret someone who doesn't have a formal language after 36 hours of being in and out of hours of driving and visits requires more focus and patience
* budgets don't make miracles happen
* people need to stop long enough to hear a good story because when they do they will want to be a part of it
* I have an Amazing co worker who went above and beyond her job description (and does everyday). I can only hope to be half the worker she is someday
* joy still exists
* I know the cure for the Sads
* I need to slow down in a grander sense than cutting out a few hours of work a week
* I am a truly privileged person
I learned all of these things because of a little adventure I went on in the past two days. I really hope to write about it soon but it was so overwhelming I want to absorb it first and write it well.
I am exhausted but full of joy in this moment for what I was able to witness. It was indeed an honour.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Needs above wants
So ... yeah ... I can't sleep.
Of course that brings me here.
I don't know where to start really. I'm not going to give any more away about what I'm up to int he next couple of days just that it'll be a story worth hearing about when it's done.
As for now I'm not sure where to start, but what's new?
I guess I should go back to my recent infection of the Sads. It's funny, it feels so familiar that I really do feel like someone who can't seem to shake a bad cold. I started taking vitamin C, getting more sleep and washing my hands more but somewhere along the line I let my guard down and all of these habits melted away about as quickly as I developed them.
Now I feel like I'm back at square one but in a different place. With my first case of the Sads it appeared that I was the only one infected. Of course I quickly learned from comments here on the blog that I wasn't and I got some great advice.
I heeded the advice and tried my best to nurse my illness and it looked as if, for a while, things had cleared up.
However here I am a mere 2 months later (only 2 weeks after the vacation I took) with what seems to be an even more severe case of the Sads. How the heck did this happen?!
I suppose I could give a hundred reasons if I looked back, but at this point none are all that clear. I'm still working on it. One thing a co worker said of someone else in the field who was an amazing working stretched to the limit that just recently had to quit was that she was addicted to stress.
Initially I thought 'Wow, that would suck. that girl must need help.' And then I got thinking about my reoccurring Sads and thought 'What are you talking about you are addicted to something about being overworked!!'
Now I can't say at this point that I know what it is that I'm addicted to but it's there, something is attracting me to give up my life for work. Eventually I'll figure it out.
Obviously I have learned what I need to do (cut back on work), I pretty much know how to do it (say no!!) but for some reason feel a high out of taking on too much of it.
When I say I get a high out of it that is EXACTLY how I feel when I say yes to a shift most of the time. I don't know why because it's not always and I know it's not entirely the 'making people happy' part. But it's something about filling my day planner with names and times that just ... gives me energy.
that is until that date arrives and I completely dread the 10-12 hour day I've booked myself into.
Anyways, I don't know the why yet but I'll keep working on it.
In the mean time while I work to shake of my latest run in with the Sads I seem to have found myself no longer alone in it but rather completely surrounded by crowds of infected people.
I was talking to a co worker tonight on the phone who was a semester behind me in school and in every word she speaks regarding work she sounds like me (only I have to say she's more of a natural in this field that I am).
She's full of fear to say 'no' so she says 'yes' to EVERYTHING. She worked at least 10 hours of overtime last week (which, to be honest, is rare from what I know where we work because they try to avoid paying time and a half at all costs). Plus she's been pulled from scheduled shifts and put other places without being asked (not to mention pulled form more relaxed places and put into high stress situations).
I was talking to her because I was trying to find coverage for the scheme I'm involved in and she, of course, was willing to work. After speaking with her for a few minutes I was enraged and gave her a loud, compassionate, yet firm lecture on work. I told her never to worry about hours because I would promise her myself she'd be fine. I reminded her she WILL burn out within a couple of months (will). I told her she should not be putting up with being told she's being pulled from one place and put into another and she has every right to say no - I have. I know full well people are taking advantage of her newness, youth, and desire to pay the bills.
By the end of our conversation I had let her know to call anytime she was worried or questioned something. (Which is hilarious because I really am still too new to pretend I know much).
It took everything in me afterwards not to send an e-mail out to the managers telling them to stop pressuring new young employees to do all the crap work and making them feel trapped, stressed and like they have no other option but to comply (I'm not sure they do this completely intentionally but they do it). It's so interesting: we learn so much about teaching those we support to have a voice yet we strip eachother of it all the time.
Anyways, all of that to say the Sads are all around.
Lastnight, after my long Saturday of nailing jello to a wall day I was exhausted. When I arrived home to check e-mail, including facebook I see that I have not one but two messages from a young lady I support (who by the way has no clue what 'stop sending me 45 texts a day' means). It sent me over the top. I was angry. One place of my own was invaded.
Later when Wally and I were sitting in the living room my one dog was licking himself very loudly and I threw water from my bottle at him. A lot of it. Obviously he was fine as it missed and it was just water but I could tell Wally wasn't impressed. I went to bed.
I laid in bed before 9pm knowing that I had a whole day of work to face tomorrow and felt completely done. Kind of like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean with no air to be found. I just laid in my bed thinking 'There's no way out. I can't quit my job. But I can't get out of working what I've committed to this summer. How am I going to survive? What am I going to do? I don't believe in living for my day or weekend off, or my next vacation. It's over. I'll just have to be depressed for the next two months.' Then I proceeded to cry. Then I fell asleep.
When I woke up Wally asked if I was feeling better. I said 'The same as lastnight only with a bit of rest.' Which really meant 'Still sad'.
I went to work and during my first half hour everyone was still asleep. I decided to take the chance to read a few pages in my retreat book 'Eat Pray Love'. I LOVE this book by the way. It's a me book.
Remember back in the early part of the year when I talked about a book by Donald Miller that I said that I thought I wrote but he just stole it from me. Well, I feel the exact same way about this book. I could've written it.
Well, you know, except for the part where I haven't gotten a divorce, or traveled the world, nor am I a best selling author. So there are a few differences .... currently. (I do hope to stay married).
It's just another one of those books that I connect with in a way that goes beyond enjoying. I feel like as I'm reading I'm writing. Sounds weird I know, but it's true. I hear my own voice telling me a story in a tone that convinces me I've already experienced the words I am taking in from that page.
I'm not sure where my little epiphany came from but I suddenly realized that though I cannot change my schedule I can change other things that surround my schedule. (Wow! As I write this I'm thinking 'Duh, that seems like a no brainer').
Suddenly I felt my mind was no longer raining down tears of sorrow, instead I felt a little ray of hope peaking through the clouds.
Of course now the homework is the change that will occur (again!). I have some solid ideas on how I will attempt to handle this, but I prefer to hold on to them for a day or two before sharing. I can say they are related to how I will spend my non work time.
I generally profess to be a lover of learning. And generally I am. Right now I'm tired of learning. Right now I want to rest.
Sometimes what we want isn't what we need.
Sometimes we need to learn first and rest later.
Admit it you always rest better once you have exerted yourself.
I'm exerting so that soon I can rest.
Of course that brings me here.
I don't know where to start really. I'm not going to give any more away about what I'm up to int he next couple of days just that it'll be a story worth hearing about when it's done.
As for now I'm not sure where to start, but what's new?
I guess I should go back to my recent infection of the Sads. It's funny, it feels so familiar that I really do feel like someone who can't seem to shake a bad cold. I started taking vitamin C, getting more sleep and washing my hands more but somewhere along the line I let my guard down and all of these habits melted away about as quickly as I developed them.
Now I feel like I'm back at square one but in a different place. With my first case of the Sads it appeared that I was the only one infected. Of course I quickly learned from comments here on the blog that I wasn't and I got some great advice.
I heeded the advice and tried my best to nurse my illness and it looked as if, for a while, things had cleared up.
However here I am a mere 2 months later (only 2 weeks after the vacation I took) with what seems to be an even more severe case of the Sads. How the heck did this happen?!
I suppose I could give a hundred reasons if I looked back, but at this point none are all that clear. I'm still working on it. One thing a co worker said of someone else in the field who was an amazing working stretched to the limit that just recently had to quit was that she was addicted to stress.
Initially I thought 'Wow, that would suck. that girl must need help.' And then I got thinking about my reoccurring Sads and thought 'What are you talking about you are addicted to something about being overworked!!'
Now I can't say at this point that I know what it is that I'm addicted to but it's there, something is attracting me to give up my life for work. Eventually I'll figure it out.
Obviously I have learned what I need to do (cut back on work), I pretty much know how to do it (say no!!) but for some reason feel a high out of taking on too much of it.
When I say I get a high out of it that is EXACTLY how I feel when I say yes to a shift most of the time. I don't know why because it's not always and I know it's not entirely the 'making people happy' part. But it's something about filling my day planner with names and times that just ... gives me energy.
that is until that date arrives and I completely dread the 10-12 hour day I've booked myself into.
Anyways, I don't know the why yet but I'll keep working on it.
In the mean time while I work to shake of my latest run in with the Sads I seem to have found myself no longer alone in it but rather completely surrounded by crowds of infected people.
I was talking to a co worker tonight on the phone who was a semester behind me in school and in every word she speaks regarding work she sounds like me (only I have to say she's more of a natural in this field that I am).
She's full of fear to say 'no' so she says 'yes' to EVERYTHING. She worked at least 10 hours of overtime last week (which, to be honest, is rare from what I know where we work because they try to avoid paying time and a half at all costs). Plus she's been pulled from scheduled shifts and put other places without being asked (not to mention pulled form more relaxed places and put into high stress situations).
I was talking to her because I was trying to find coverage for the scheme I'm involved in and she, of course, was willing to work. After speaking with her for a few minutes I was enraged and gave her a loud, compassionate, yet firm lecture on work. I told her never to worry about hours because I would promise her myself she'd be fine. I reminded her she WILL burn out within a couple of months (will). I told her she should not be putting up with being told she's being pulled from one place and put into another and she has every right to say no - I have. I know full well people are taking advantage of her newness, youth, and desire to pay the bills.
By the end of our conversation I had let her know to call anytime she was worried or questioned something. (Which is hilarious because I really am still too new to pretend I know much).
It took everything in me afterwards not to send an e-mail out to the managers telling them to stop pressuring new young employees to do all the crap work and making them feel trapped, stressed and like they have no other option but to comply (I'm not sure they do this completely intentionally but they do it). It's so interesting: we learn so much about teaching those we support to have a voice yet we strip eachother of it all the time.
Anyways, all of that to say the Sads are all around.
Lastnight, after my long Saturday of nailing jello to a wall day I was exhausted. When I arrived home to check e-mail, including facebook I see that I have not one but two messages from a young lady I support (who by the way has no clue what 'stop sending me 45 texts a day' means). It sent me over the top. I was angry. One place of my own was invaded.
Later when Wally and I were sitting in the living room my one dog was licking himself very loudly and I threw water from my bottle at him. A lot of it. Obviously he was fine as it missed and it was just water but I could tell Wally wasn't impressed. I went to bed.
I laid in bed before 9pm knowing that I had a whole day of work to face tomorrow and felt completely done. Kind of like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean with no air to be found. I just laid in my bed thinking 'There's no way out. I can't quit my job. But I can't get out of working what I've committed to this summer. How am I going to survive? What am I going to do? I don't believe in living for my day or weekend off, or my next vacation. It's over. I'll just have to be depressed for the next two months.' Then I proceeded to cry. Then I fell asleep.
When I woke up Wally asked if I was feeling better. I said 'The same as lastnight only with a bit of rest.' Which really meant 'Still sad'.
I went to work and during my first half hour everyone was still asleep. I decided to take the chance to read a few pages in my retreat book 'Eat Pray Love'. I LOVE this book by the way. It's a me book.
Remember back in the early part of the year when I talked about a book by Donald Miller that I said that I thought I wrote but he just stole it from me. Well, I feel the exact same way about this book. I could've written it.
Well, you know, except for the part where I haven't gotten a divorce, or traveled the world, nor am I a best selling author. So there are a few differences .... currently. (I do hope to stay married).
It's just another one of those books that I connect with in a way that goes beyond enjoying. I feel like as I'm reading I'm writing. Sounds weird I know, but it's true. I hear my own voice telling me a story in a tone that convinces me I've already experienced the words I am taking in from that page.
I'm not sure where my little epiphany came from but I suddenly realized that though I cannot change my schedule I can change other things that surround my schedule. (Wow! As I write this I'm thinking 'Duh, that seems like a no brainer').
Suddenly I felt my mind was no longer raining down tears of sorrow, instead I felt a little ray of hope peaking through the clouds.
Of course now the homework is the change that will occur (again!). I have some solid ideas on how I will attempt to handle this, but I prefer to hold on to them for a day or two before sharing. I can say they are related to how I will spend my non work time.
I generally profess to be a lover of learning. And generally I am. Right now I'm tired of learning. Right now I want to rest.
Sometimes what we want isn't what we need.
Sometimes we need to learn first and rest later.
Admit it you always rest better once you have exerted yourself.
I'm exerting so that soon I can rest.
Quick blog post with husband looking over shoulder.
I want to write so bad but I'm in the middle of helping a co worker make a difference in Vivvie's life. (You remember Vivvie right?)
Will have tons to write about in a couple of days. Hopefully I will still have a job.
That's another story. One worth living though :)
It's helping me keep the Sads at bay for another day or two.
The last 24 hrs have been a roller coaster of emotion.
Pray for us.
Will have tons to write about in a couple of days. Hopefully I will still have a job.
That's another story. One worth living though :)
It's helping me keep the Sads at bay for another day or two.
The last 24 hrs have been a roller coaster of emotion.
Pray for us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)